Chapter Text
Jiyeong's pov [two weeks after the games]
"Saebyeok, wait." she said, but the girl didn't listen. They sat in silence with Gihun for a while.
"You should talk to her. It's my fault that I cut off for two weeks, so she stopped trusting me, but you're still good, right?" he said, taking a sip of his white coffee.
"We're not... exactly talking. She's also cutting me off." Jiyeong said uncertainly, avoiding his gaze.
"But you live together."
"Yeah, but... I think she wants to run away from all this trauma and thinks it will go away."
"It won't."
"Oh believe me, I know." she muttered. She was escaping her father's abuse for years this way – drinking after school, exceeding her curfew. She never told anyone about what's happening in her home. She just ran away to alcohol, cigarettes and older girls at fifteen. But she never told a soul. She believed that this would help her escape from problems. But all this just made her father beat her more. And no one knew.
"You have to gain her trust again. She can't live alone, with all this trauma bottled up inside her. She needs a friend. You two were so close." Gihun said, in a warm voice.
They were close. But now Saebyeok started to built this wall between them and Jiyeong didn't know how to destroy it.
She couldn't figure out Kang. She hadn't spoken to her for two weeks (while sharing a room with her), and then suggested she buy an apartment in the same neighborhood. Supposedly because of her brother, who started liking her, but was that true? Jiyeong couldn't see Saebyeok's true intentions. Now she seemed delighted to hear that she had almost bought an apartment near hers.
But would she want to get closer again, to talk? Was Jiyeong reminding her too much of the trauma?
Jiyeong didn't want to lose Saebyeok. She'd never had someone she trusted so much, someone who became so important to her, so quickly.
But maybe she wasn't meant to have anyone after all. Maybe she was destined to be alone.
"I will try. I don't wanna lose her." she said from the bottom of her heart. She really didn't want to lose her. She had started to care about Saebyeok in a strange way.
But was she capable of doing anything? She also didn't want to invade Saebyeok's space. If her decision was to completely cut herself off in the end, then maybe that would be for the best. Jiyeong was also tormented by memories of the horrors of the games.
They talked for a while after that, but Jiyeong had to get going to meet with her estate agent. She said goodbye to Gihun, and they promised each other they would meet up from time to time. The three of them now had something in common. A terrifying secret that no one else would truly believe. And they would have to live with it for the rest of their lives.
She quickly caught the subway and headed to the real estate agency. All she had to do was fill out the final paperwork and deposit the money — and she would officially have her own apartment. Near Saebyeok.
Kang Saebyeok.
The girl wouldn't leave her mind. She constantly haunted them, and Jiyeong, despite being distracted by shopping and the internet, somehow still found herself thinking of her. Maybe once they were practically neighbors, their relationship would improve again.
But life was never easy like that for Jiyeong.
When she sat down across from the agent and greeted him, she immediately noticed that he had a rather uncomfortable expression.
"Ms. Choi Jiyeong..." girl shuddered at the sound of her father's surname. She hated it, hated that she had to use it, and that anything connected him to her. She felt as if he were laughing at her from the grave. 'Hey, you fool, you'll always have my surname. You're weak. You're a disgrace to this family, but you're too much of a coward to change it.' Jiyeong quickly pushed his voice out of her head and focused on the man in front of her. "I'm sorry, but the owner has decided to sell the apartment to someone else."
This sentence quickly brought her back to reality.
"What? But you said I was the first in line to buy it. I have all the money ready to transfer."
"Yes, but… the neighbors found out about your past. Some people don't want… problems in the neighborhood." he said, looking down at his desk.
"It must be a joke. I just want to buy an apartment. It's not like I'm going to kill anyone in the living room." she said, while fake laughing.
"I understand... but it's the owner's decision."
"I'm not a serial killer okay? I did this, because I had to. And I served years in prison for it. I'm not a danger to society." she spat out, getting more and more angry.
"I'm sorry. We can try in a different neighborhood. Maybe... In Eunpyeong-gu."
"Oh, just fuck off." she growled, pushed her chair back aggressively and left the room slamming the door.
She'd always thought it was all about money. Now she had more than enough, but she couldn't find an apartment because she'd spent few years in prison.
Does the landlord really care that much? Is he that worried about his reputation? Are there such stupid snobs living there? Are the neighbors so sanctimonious?
As she left, she kicked a bottle on the ground, trying to vent her anger.
She was pissed, but she had no choice but to return to the hotel.
While walking, she passed a church on her left. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands as she heard the church bells. When she glanced at the entry, she saw her father. Standing and smiling, as he always did before before forcing her to sit during mass and before abusing her after. She blinked. It wasn't him – it was another priest. He was smiling at her. She quickened her pace.
After entering the hotel, Jiyeong sat down on her bed and wanted nothing more, than just scream. She was so angry. Everything always had to be uphill for her.
She was alone in the room, but she could hear her father voice in her head. 'You're pathetic. You'll never live a normal life again. You should have died in the games. Or I should have killed you first.'
"Fuck!" Jiyeong screamed and threw a pillow laying nearby, at the wall. It helped a little.
She always had problems with relieving stress. In highschool she ran to drinking and smoking, but it wasn't that effective now – since it was legal for her.
But, lacking a choice, she pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her bag, which she'd recently bought on the spur of the moment, and stepped out onto the balcony. She carefully lit one and placed it between her lips. She inhaled the smoke, which taste she didn't even like. Jiyeong doubted anyone else did. But it did cleaned her head a little.
The cigarette made her stop thinking about church, but her thoughts came back to Saebyeok. It was getting annoying. She inhaled deeply the smoke, but Saebyeok was still there.
What is she doing even right now? Will she come back?
Jiyeong really tried to understand her. It was hard for her too, all these memories from the games. But some unknown force pulled her towards the girl and did not want to let go. Saebyeok was probably struggling with something similar. Her weak moments, when she was nice to her, crushed by fear, trauma and memories of games.
While exhaling the smoke, she took out her phone and opened a chat with Saebyeok. Girl ghosted her three hilarious tiktoks. She probably didn't even watch them.
'Hey sorry for reminding u of your trauma but its really not my fault so stop being a bitch' she wrote, but immediately deleted it. 'I like u so much but youre mean.' weird and too emotional. 'If an asshole why hot and saved my life.'
"That one was good." she murmured to herself and chuckled, but also deleted the last message.
Finally, she put the phone down without texting the girl. Putting her feet on the balcony railing, she finished her cigarette. And then another. Her anxiety had subsided, but she'd done it out of pure boredom.
After smoking, she went back to the room and started scrolling on her phone. But few moments later she heard, that somebody put a key in the keyhole.
She came back.
Saebyeok entered the room, looking very awkwardly, as always. She muttered a 'hello'. Jiyeong, however, only managed to utter a very quiet 'damn' as she stared at the girl who had decided to tie her hair into a ponytail. It fitted her. Damn.
Jiyeong knew from a very early age, that she was a lesbian. She had always felt quite disgusted by boys, but when she was twelve and saw two older girls making out aggressively in her catholic school bathroom, she knew. But she was stupid enough to leave 'Am i gay quiz' opened on a laptop, while she went to scissor her barbie dolls.
And her father saw it. She was first abused by him when she was twelve.
Saebyeok's expression became even more awkward. Jiyeong debated whether to start a conversation, but then she saw what the girl was about to do. Kang grabbed her bag and started packing things from the closet. I'm not starting small talk anymore. Bitch.
She was packing, as if nothing happened. Jiyeong really wanted to hate her for all this, but she couldn't. She was mad at her, but for some reason she couldn't hate her.
Eventually Saebyeok threw her packed bag on the ground and looked Jiyeong in the eyes.
"I will miss you."
She has to be joking now.
"Will you?" she replied with as much sarcasm as she could.
"Jiyeong... I'm sorry for earlier. But I really will miss living with you."
Okay, now she's making me really mad.
"Don't lie, Saebyeok. It wasn't living together, we co-existed at most. First day after the games was great, and then you suddenly started ignoring and avoiding me." she said on one breath. It was hard for her, to tell the truth to people. She was used to keeping everything inside. But now she craved communication with her. She wanted a long talk about everything they went through, about the bond they shared and about all the avoiding. But she wouldn't back down from this argument, because Saebyeok had hurt her. She could just hope this wouldn't be their last conversation.
"It's not like that..."
Maybe it was for good. The need for contact with her will subside after a while, and she won't have to deal with Saebyeok's attachment issues.
Jiyeong's thoughts shifted for a moment. What if she's the one with the issues, but is too selfish to realize that? And because of that, Saebyeok is distancing herself from her. The theory proves true again. The theory that Jiyeong is doomed by the universe to be alone.
"It is. I know you don't want to trigger your trauma, or some shit, but really, you don't have to cut me off like this. I thought we somehow connected during those games, that we became close." she said. She knew it was mean, but Saebyeok was mean first. All she wanted was an honest conversation, but she didn't know if she would ever get it from Saebyeok.
"We did, it's just not that easy..." Kang was becoming more and more abashed.
"But it could be, Saebyeok." after this, Jiyeong turned to the side and opened her phone.
Few moments of silence. Jiyeong silently wished that Saebyeok would now sit on her bed and start honestly talking about all of that. But it didn't happen.
"When are you moving into your apartment?"
Jiyeong bit her lip. Never. That was the real answer. Because she was a criminal and no one wanted her. She was basically homeless, she had to live in this hotel for no one knows how long.
"Soon." but she lied to Saebyeok. She didn't know why. She didn't want her fake pity. She was mad at her, for leaving her. She wanted to hate her, but she couldn't. So she finally decided that maybe Saebyeok's way would be best. They'd just distance themselves. Jiyeong had only know her for three weeks. It shouldn't hurt her.
Then Saebyeok left the room. And it did hurt.
Next three weeks were really shitty.
Jiyeong spent them in her hotel room. She tried contacting other real estate agents three times, looking for an apartment in the same neighborhood as before. The first one didn't sell her apartment for the same reason as the previous one. When he told her this, she threw down a vase of flowers in his office in anger. The second one probably got a tip from the previous one, so he gave up helping her because of her potentially aggressive behavior. The third one suggested her a flat, but it was really tiny, ugly and neglected. When she asked about a better building, maybe something more expensive, he said that the owner doesn't allow people with criminal records. After this conversation, she smoked almost an entire pack of cigarettes at once, out of anger and frustration.
So she stayed in the hotel. Staying there for that long was getting ridiculously expensive, but she had the money.
Zero contact with Saebyeok. She lied to her, that she was already moved in. She wanted to meet, but Jiyeong ghosted her. Saebyeok didn't press further. Jiyeong didn't want to reveal that she'd lied about the apartment. She didn't want to say why they hadn't sold it to her.
She tried to convince herself that it was a good thing they'd separated completely. She really did. But the bond she felt with her didn't weaken, and Kang haunted her dreams every night. She was dying in them, always while saving Jiyeong's life.
She sometimes regretted their fight. She thought of hundreds of scenarios in her head about how she could have handled this differently. But she never found the perfect version. Because most depended on Saebyeok. She was the one who ignored her and avoided her. She should have initiated an honest conversation. But maybe if Jiyeong hadn't been so mean back then, it wouldn't have been their last talk.
Saebyeok had probably long forgotten her and was living a nice life with Cheol. Maybe she lived happily in her apartment, was rich, had a boyfriend, and forgot about the girl whose life she saved long ago.
Jiyeong screamed into her pillow that night as she thought about it.
But one day, all the scenarios became real. But at the same time none of them matched what happened.
While Jiyeong was leaving her hotel, to go to some bar (at five in the afternoon, but who would forbid her), she heard her name. And she recognized the voice immediately.
She turned and saw Saebyeok, looking at her with confused expression.
"Jiyeong? What are you doing in the hotel?"
Jiyeong squeezed her eyes shut. People were passing by, but it felt like there were only two of them.
"I..." she couldn't come up with any sensible excuse. Kang came closer to her and said:
"Let's grab a coffee and you will tell me there." after that, she grabbed her wrist and, pushing through the people, began to lead her towards a cafe.
And those mood swings again. She's such a caring friend now, but after they talk, she'll got a silent treatment.
They found some coffee shop and sat down in the corner.
"So... Why were you at the hotel?" Saebyeok started, looking at her coffee.
"Well... I kinda didn't buy the apartment."
"What? Why? You told me you did." she asked confused.
"Yeah, because... I didn't want your pity. You don't care about me, so why should I tell you everything. And they didn't sell me the apartment, because I'm a danger to society in their eyes. Because of my criminal records." the words poured out of her mouth. And she regretted them, because they revealed a little too much, were too honest.
Saebyeok took a deep breath and frowned her eyebrows.
"What? It's so stupid. And I care about you, Jiyeong. The phone works both ways, you didn't text me either."
"Oh, don't fucking try to guilt trip me now, Saebyeok." she spat out, getting really angry. Kang got visibly embarrassed. "You started it. You ignored me, while living with me. And then you were mean, and then you randomly moved out. Yeah, maybe I was mean too, maybe I didn't want to meet with you. But why would I want to do that, if you literally hate me."
"I don't hate you." she said quietly.
"So what are you running from, if not me? What are you so scared of, Saebyeok? What do you see when you look at me?"
Saebyeok turned her gaze to the side and just breathed for a moment.
"It's complicated."
"Damn it!" Jiyeong said a little too loud, while banging her fist on the table. The plates jumped, making a loud noise. She muttered a sorry, to other guests, but then she shifted her attention again to Kang. "Talk to me! If you really care about me, talk to me Saebyeok and tell me what's happening. Because I can't read your fucking mind. And I wish I could, because maybe then I could hate you, if I knew what you think about me. But I'm stuck here, with your mood swings and I just can't forget about you. When you saved my life, it meant something to me. So now you mean something to me and I really wanna be friends with you, but I can't if you can't decide if you like me or not."
The flow of words continued unabated until Jiyeong finally said everything she wanted. Saebyeok just stared at her for a few seconds, speechless. The sadness in her eyes was so obvious that Jiyeong had to look away, to avoid feeling sad.
"Okay." she said eventually.
"Okay what?"
"I will explain everything. Just give me few minutes to to collect my words." she explained and went to the bathroom. Jiyeong just drank her coffee. She wondered if Saebyeok would come back.
But she did.
"Okay so... I can't stop thinking about the games. Everyday I stand in the shower and I think I'm covered in people's I've murdered blood. Whatever I'm doing, I'm disgusted in myself, for witnessing four hundreds fifty-three people death and winning a prize for it. And when I look at you, I see you dying in my arms. I know all of this is stupid, but my mind is telling me, that if I push all the memories or things connected to it away, it will also all go away. But at the same time I think about you, I want you safe and I really care about you. You're the first person I could ever call a real friend, and I pushed you away on purpose. I suck at relationships with people, I know it. It was confusing to want to be close to you in the same time as wanting to push you away. So I did the second thing, because that's what I'm best in. Pushing people away. I've always been alone. And maybe I'm destined to be, maybe I'm not suitable for making friends." she said really fast and quietly. But Jiyeong heard every word. "And I know I'm selfish, because you went through the same thing, you have the same memories and you probably hurt as much as I do. But it's just so hard for me. But now when I told you this... I really want to be your friend, Jiyeong."
After this, she grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently. Jiyeong felt as if a thousand sparks passed through her.
"Damn, that's more that I expected. But I'm happy you finally talked to me. How do you feel now?"
"Lighter."
Jiyeong smiled softly.
"And I feel these things too. I remember it all too well. But when we are together, it will be easier. I think it will get easier." she said warmly. "And I want to be your friend too. I don't want to lose you again. So can we promise each other, that we won't drift apart again?"
"Promise."
They sat in silence for a while. But it wasn't awkward.
"You should move into my apartment." Saebyeok said out of the blue.
"What?"
"You can't live in a hotel forever. I have a spare bedroom."
"No, you don't have to do that. I can find some flat in a poorer district. They won't care about my criminal record." she protested.
"No. You're rich, you should live in a decent place. It's really not a problem. We're friends, Jiyeong." Saebyeok said and smiled at her beautifully. Girl got quiet for a moment.
"Really?" she just asked.
"Really. Not a problem at all. Cheol will love having you all the time."
"You always make it about Cheol. But what about you, dumbass? You’ll also like having me around." she said playfully, with a wink. Saebyeok chuckled.
"Yes, of course I will love having you around."
Jiyeong didn’t respond to this, but butterflies started to flutter in her stomach.
Fuck.