the five stages

by spaceisfun

Summary:

What is wrong, and what is right?
“Mafuyu, study well and have a nice, prosperous family. Much like ourselves. Never forget that.” Simple, harmless words, yet Mafuyu has never been more unsure of who she is and what she wants.

Chapters of Mafuyu navigating her feelings, and whether she'll be able to accept them or not.

Notes:

hello!! kanamafu angst we love to see it hope anyone reading this has a good day!!!

Chapter 1

To Mafuyu, colour was akin to taste; dull and never quite fulfilling. While her hunger would subside after a long day, the action would bring little to no joy. While Ena’s warm and cold undertones would perfectly capture a feeling, Mafuyu would not understand the sentiment. Lie after another lie, a futile attempt to try and find a feeling that would never appear.

“I’ll save you, Mafuyu.” A few months ago, Mafuyu had felt something. Hope, happiness, or admiration that someone was willing to go that far for her. Whatever it was, Kanade had invoked some sort of feeling in her. With late night meetings and Kanade’s voice wrapped in a gentle cloud, a hum that came somewhere from the softness, Mafuyu felt all the more convinced she could be someone capable of feeling.

It hadn’t been any different once Mafuyu had moved in with Kanade, barring the fact that her pull towards Kanade had increased more than Mafuyu had realized. She was dependent on Kanade. Dependent for the little sprouts of feelings and the small, different twitch of her muscles as she would smile at whatever the composer had to say. Kanade would smile back, and Mafuyu would decide she needed to see more of it.

 

---

 

“Kanade, does this feel alright?” Mafuyu held the lyrics written in her notebook up to Kanade, who took her time reading the words. She could simply glance over the re-written parts, but every single time she read each word separately. Mafuyu would smile again, if not cut off by Ena’s sudden voice. “Hey! Show it to us, too!” Mafuyu would later do that, of course, but Kanade’s verdict mattered first to her. It wasn’t fair to Mizuki and Ena, and Mafuyu had felt bad about it, but still. Something compelled her to act the way she did.

“Alright alright, calm down, Enanan.” Mizuki’s voice called out, and Ena seemed to calm down with a small huff. “You stop taking Yuki’s side, Amia.” Mizuki only gave a small gasp to that, pretending to be hurt. They had been like this recently. Ena would listen to Mizuki, say a retort back, but listen to her nonetheless. She almost seemed…softer, towards Mizuki. “How nice.” Mafuyu thinks to herself, envious of their expression of feelings towards each other.

In the meantime, Kanade finishes reading through the lyrics. “Mm, it’s good.” She tilts her head up to meet Mafuyu’s eyes, smiling as she speaks. Mafuyu nods back, giving her own small, satisfied smile. This is fine. These moments are all she wants, and she won’t ask for more.

 

---

 

Time spent at school seemed to have gotten easier somehow. Mafuyu already knew why that was. The things she knew she’d get at the end of the day were what made her spend the day with her mask so easily. She had to pretend, but at the end of that pretending came the same unspoken melodies and soft hums late at night.

Going home to her mother meant the same questions and the same answers, an uncomfortable routine. Nothing would wait for her at the end of her lies. Now she had a friend. A friend who allowed her to be something.

“Asahina-senpai, you look happy lately!” Emu Ootori, the same cheerfulness as ever, unwavering.

“Hm? What makes you say that?” Mafuyu questions, rummaging through her day, wondering if she let the mask slip somewhere, scurrying for an answer on what she did wrong, asking if-

“Your smile seems to be nicer! It’s not the…creepy one…” Emu mumbles the last part, excessively shaking her head as if to shake away the words. Mafuyu isn’t sure what to say in return. Seldom is Mafuyu at a loss of words, and now was one moment. To think Emu would say something that would leave Mafuyu baffled.

Oh, um…Thank you?” Is the response Mafuyu settles on, not wanting to say anything further, lest she reveal something even more.

 

The whole walk back home she tries remembering where she may have “smiled nicer”, as per Emu’s words. It had been an uneventful day, no meetings or any upcoming event where she might have to interact with people. So where? She had smiled countless times when talking with classmates and teachers. It was probably impossible to figure out at this point.

Her thoughts come to an end as she realizes she’s already in front of Kanade’s doorstep. Time seemed to pass a bit faster. Maybe because Mafuyu had been immersed in thought the whole time.

Just as she takes a step forward, Kanade opens the front door, keys jingling in hand. “Oh, Mafuyu. You’re back.” Mafuyu nods, taking a step forward.

“Were you going somewhere?” Mafuyu asks, head tilted a bit to the right in question.

“Mhm, we’re almost out of milk, and I needed more noodles.” Kanade takes another step outside, standing a bit closer to Mafuyu. She resists the urge to smile at the composer close to her, tightens her muscles as to not let it slip again at a seemingly mundane moment. “You can go inside, the bath should warm up in a bit.”

“Can I come with you?” Mafuyu speaks before she can think to herself, but she doesn’t mind. Not when Kanade smiles that same dazzling smile, her skin crinkling just a bit on the corner of her eyes. Mafuyu thinks she might lose all power in her legs, but she keeps herself up as Kanade speaks.

“Sure.”

 

None of them talk on their way to the store. They both walk slowly. Or rather, Mafuyu keeps her pace slow to match Kanade, who takes it upon herself to hum a song they have been working on. It’s still in the works, but it’s definitely getting somewhere.

They both stay close to one another. Mafuyu pushes a bit closer to Kanade as passersby walk along. Her hand glides along Kanade’s, fingers lingering on the back of her hand for a moment. There’s a small jolt in Mafuyu, something akin to shock or shame. It feels wrong to want something from Kanade when she is already giving so much. She has already taken too much. Kanade’s living space, her smiles, her words, her songs that were meant to be heard by only herself, her affection. It’ all too much.

Kanade doesn’t seem to think so. Her fingers meet Mafuyu’s hand, waiting, as if asking for permission. Mafuyu looks down at their hands so near, a single movement apart. She shouldn’t ask for more.

Her hand moves on its own, entangling itself with Kanade’s fingers. They’re more calloused and rough than she had thought, and yet they still manage to bloom something in her heart. It’s so soft and warm. It’s friendship, admiration, need. It’s something she shouldn’t want, something that goes against what she has been taught.

“Mafuyu, study well and have a nice, prosperous family. Much like ourselves. Never forget that.” Her mother’s words echo in her mind once again. She’s an indispensable part. Mafuyu can’t run away. She envies Mizuki for suggesting running away so easily, envies Mizuki for being able to run away from her feelings. People have what she doesn’t.

Her focus goes back onto the hand holding hers, and eyes glance up to that enchanting face, that same dreamy smile, this time much gentler. It’s all so warm and nice. It makes Mafuyu happy. She hadn’t felt this happiness before Kanade. This moment is nothing but them in this world. The world’s colours are nothing like she has ever seen before. It’s all so blindingly bright. It’s all so wrong. Mafuyu is wrong. She’s wrong and she knows it.

“Mistakes will not be tolerated, Mafuyu. If you want to get ahead, you have to be right.” Right. She had to be right. She couldn’t be wrong. Nothing was wrong with her or this warmth. This was simply her first time feeling appreciation towards a friend. Mafuyu wasn’t putting on a mask, so why did she feel dread? She want pretending to be anyone right now, so why did everything feel so unknown?

They both come to a halt and Mafuyu is pulled out of her thoughts as the convenience store door opens. They step inside, and Mafuyu’s hand is burning hot, probably sweating buckets.

Kanade picks up a basket with her other hand, walking them towards the instant noodle section. She lets go of Mafuyu’s hand to reach for the packets, and Mafuyu can already feel her heart drop. She misses the comfort. She doesn’t miss the dread. She wants to hold Kanade’s hand again, but hopes they don’t. “I’ll go get the milk.” Mafuyu almost mumbles, voice almost too quiet. Kanade doesn’t notice anything and lets her go.

 

Mafuyu looks at the expiration dates on the cartons. She feels the condensation drip down her fingers. She pretends to ignore the tremble in her hands. The expiration date is too close on this one. She puts in back in the fridge and reaches for another shelf farther back. The cold air hits her face, and she pretends to ignore the heaviness in her eyes, the dampness gathering in them. She quickly swipes her sleeve against her eyes before she can acknowledge their existence any longer. Asahina Mafuyu does not weep for needless matters.

 

The store bell rings and they exit with Mafuyu holding the bags. She doesn’t close into Kanade. Mafuyu’s other hand is free, yet it never wanders far from her own body. If Kanade notices, she doesn’t say anything.

It takes long for them to return back home, or at least Mafuyu seems to think so. Every car passing by felt like a jolt, and Kanade would giggle when Mafuyu would suddenly gain consciousness, breaking away from her thoughts. Mafuyu would suppress a smile, but ultimately fail. She was the one making Kanade giggle, she was the subject of Kanade’s joy. How could Mafuyu suppress anything?

Kanade’s hand brushed past Mafuyu’s again, and then it begins again. Something so perfect was wrong. It was wrong. Why was Mafuyu so worried about it being wrong? She wasn’t experiencing it, no. Never. It could be right, or it could be wrong; Mafuyu did not care either way. She didn’t.

Notes:

everytime i listen to kanade it feels like she's surrounded by a little cloud and somewhere from that cloud we hear her small voice. idk if that makes any sense but yeah. hope anyone reading this enjoyed!!!!

Chapter 2

Notes:

New chapter haa hahh haha hahaha
Totally didn't wait like 50 days

The screen flickered as a message popped up into the group chat. Mafuyu leant forward in her chair, taking a better look at the message.

‎Amia: are you guys free tomorrow?

‎Mafuyu did a quick mental run of her schedule. Aside from an early morning committee meeting, she didn’t have anything else planned out.

‎‎Yuki: I’m free.

‎‎K: Me too

‎‎Enanan: same with me

‎‎Amia: ok then!! i got some tickets for a movie from a friend of mine so we can all go watch it!!

‎‎K: Sounds good

‎‎Enanan: Let’s meet up at the crossing?

‎‎Yuki: Sure. 

‎‎The others follow in giving their answers, deciding on a time to meet up. Mafuyu wants to ask what the movie is about, but decides it’s probably better to be left as a surprise. 

‎‎“Mafuyu, you have a committee meeting tomorrow, right?” Kanade spins around in her chair to face Mafuyu sitting on the bed. Mafuyu nods. “Mm, I do. I’ll be back in about an hour, so you don’t have to worry about the plans being disturbed.”

‎‎Kanade shakes her head, a smile on her face that never seemed to leave nowadays. “I wasn’t worried. You always make things work out one way or another.” She lets out a small chuckle, barely heard if Mafuyu wasn’t paying close attention. Kanade spins her chair back to face her computer, her fingers immediately working away. 

‎‎Mafuyu wants to call out and tell her she’ll always make everything work out, that she’ll spend multiple lifetimes bending things to her will if it makes Kanade smile. Of all times to lack courage, this was the worst. She opens her mouth to speak something, but Kanade’s back is turned. Maybe if she had seen and questioned what Mafuyu wanted to say, then maybe, just maybe, she would have said something. She turns off her laptop and gets up from Kanade’s bed.

‎‎“Sleep soon, alright?” Mafuyu speaks, and Kanade nods, not looking away from her screen, which was probably a sign she wasn’t going to be sleeping soon. 

‎

‎The room feels warmer than usual even with her blanket pushed aside. The AC whirrs, maybe a bit louder than usual. Mafuyu isn’t sure. She tosses and turns, hoping to find a good position to lay in. She needs to wake up early for the meeting, but her chest burns with something she can’t name. It’s not pleasant. The feeling doesn’t resemble what she felt when Kanade held onto her hand. No, it’s the complete opposite.

‎‎Mafuyu never seems to know what she’s feeling these days. Her feelings had gotten a bit clear ever since being near Kanade, but now it’s as if they’ve taken a complete turn.

‎‎Trying to sleep wasn’t working. She picks up her phone, hoping to mindlessly scroll through social media, which always seemed to help her fall asleep. 

‎‎Ten minutes pass and she feels her eyelids get heavy. The room had also gotten a bit colder, and the AC had quieted down. A small distraction was all she needed, and the phone had served a better purpose than she had thought. It turns off with a small click, and Mafuyu closes her eyes once again, this time drifting into sleep.‎

‎

---

‎

‎Mafuyu's dreams never last long. And even if they do, she doesn't seem to remember, holding onto a vague memory that soon dissipates as the day passes. This time she dreams about laying in bed with Kanade sitting on its edge. She holds Mafuyu's hand and speaks something, but she can't seem to understand, almost as if the words aren't reaching her.‎

‎"And then..." Kanade continues to speak, but Mafuyu doesn't catch the words. She frees her hand from Kanade's and sits up, only to be jolted awake by the sudden movement. She's still laying in the bed, Kanade not on the edge, and her alarm phone blaring louder than ever.‎

‎Committee meetings were troublesome, and so was waking up for them. But she'll probably forget about it later.

‎

---

‎

‎"Heyyy!! Mafuyu, Kanade!" Mafuyu hears Mizuki's voice from somewhere in the crowd, quickly finding her and Ena standing in a corner. Kanade leads the way, looking much more excited than usual. 

‎‎"Geh. What are you grinning for?" Ena stands next to Mizuki, one hand on her waist, the other holding Mizuki's hand. Mafuyu quickly realizes she really is smiling, and wipes it off like it was never there.

‎‎"I wasn't grinning."

‎‎"You definitely were."

‎‎"It was a smile. Not a grin."

‎‎Ena looks a bit disgusted at Mafuyu's statement, as per usual. She rolls her eyes and turns her attention to Kanade, letting go of Mizuki's hand who looks like she's been abandoned. 

‎"How lucky." Mafuyu thinks. To be able to express themselves towards one another, truly how lucky. She's happy for them. Somewhere in her heart, Mafuyu knows she's happy for them and wishes them whatever good wish there is. How extremely lucky.

‎‎Kanade and Ena take the lead, with Ena talking constantly, Kanade nodding along and replying with her own little sentences. Mizuki -next to Mafuyu- still looks like she might cry. "I've been forsaken...by my own girlfriend...." Mafuyu holds back a little chuckle, never failing to be intrigued by Mizuki's antics.

‎‎"Hey! Nothing's funny about this!" Mizuki lightly punches Mafuyu's arm, who in turn does let out a chuckle. Not because she was intrigued, but maybe because she was genuinely happy about Mizuki being here. Thankful for the courage she got because of her. 

 

‎They all get popcorn and drinks, barely missing the beginning of the movie as they all awkwardly rush to their seats. Even in the dark, Mafuyu sees Mizuki grin at Ena, and Ena gives a small flick to her forehead. They giggle, and let their attention be diverted by the opening scene.‎

‎Kanade on the other hand, seems already enamoured. Mafuyu knows it's because of the background music, and not because of the man and woman immediately presented to them, kissing like there's no tomorrow. It's a bit awkward to watch. Mafuyu can't help but glance over to Kanade, wondering how she can watch it with so much ease. She knows that's not what Kanade's focus is, but still. It's a mystery.

‎

‎The plot turns out to be a basic romance. Though it was advertised as rom-com, Mafuyu had yet to see any comedy in it.

‎‎Childhood lovers forced to separate because of time cut short. The woman lays in a hospital bed, and Mafuyu can hear Ena release silent sobs at the scene, with Mizuki comforting her, squeezing her hand whenever the sob would get a little too loud.

‎‎Her gaze goes over to Kanade, who looks a little somber herself. Mafuyu feels her heart speed up just a bit as she looks over back at the screen, watching as the hospital room slowly falls into panic, how the man kneels at the edge of the bed, comforting his dying lover, how the doctors and nurses scurry from one place to another. But in the end, all falls silent, save for a thin, constant beeping sound.

‎‎Mafuyu's heart isn't beating as fast now. It's all over, and after about 20 more minutes, the lights will come back on. Once again, her eyes land on the two lovers next to her, comforting each other like they're the ones in the situation. Something in her aches. Her fingers feel restless and her face too hot. She also wants to experience that. Not the loss, but the comfort. The comfort of a lover, the comfort of a song, the comfort of...

‎‎"Mafuyu." Kanade whispers, and Mafuyu sees the slight redness, her eyes soaked more than usual, but never leaking out. Mafuyu shakes her head. She should be the one comforting Kanade, not the other way around. She's the one who has lost more than Mafuyu. Her mother, and then her father... Everything is unfair.

‎‎Roughly ten more minutes, and the lights will come back on. Once the funeral ends, the man will be forced to move on, whether he likes it or not. It really is unfair, how her eyes never fail to glance over at Kanade, who looks like she relates all too well to the man. Fully moving on was never possible.

‎‎Kanade's hand is on the arm rest, lightly balled up into a fist. Mafuyu's own travels up to it, and her palm fully covers the weak one below. Kanade's hand had never felt this fragile, but Mafuyu felt as though she needed to protect it in this moment.

‎‎The back of Kanade's fingers have small bits of salt on them, and Mafuyu gently runs her fingers over them, wiping away anything that tainted something so pure and perfect and imperfect. She doesn't look back at Kanade's face this time. She doesn't have to. Not with the way Kanade's balled up fist relaxes, her palm below Mafuyu's.

‎‎The end approaches faster than Mafuyu realizes. Lights open without warning, blinding her for a second before she regains her vision. Ena and Mizuki have finished wiping the last of their tears, standing up and stretching their legs before reaching for any trash. 

‎‎Mafuyu follows, picking up the two boxes of popcorn, stuffing them with two bottles of juice. She clears her throat as she briefly looks at Kanade's hand, relaxed at her side. Mafuyu doesn't have to worry for now.

‎

---

‎

‎The sun hits her too bright and too fast. All of them -im almost unison- shade their eyes from the blinding rays.

‎‎"Mizuki, you could have at least warned me it would be a sad movie." Ena pinches Mizuki's cheek, who dramatically squeals in pain. 

‎‎"Heyy...it wasn't that sad. He found closure at the end, I'd say that's a pretty happy ending." Mizuki still isn't safe from Ena as that response just seems to annoy her more.

‎‎"I wouldn't exactly call it a "happy" ending. It was... bittersweet." Kanade chimes in.

‎‎"Yeah! Bittersweet! I couldn't remember the word." Mizuki replies enthusiastically, almost proud as if she was the one who said it.

‎‎"Don't go around calling things happy if you don't know the correct words." Ena scolds lightly, but takes Mizuki's hand on her own nonetheless. Mizuki leans closer, pressing a swift kiss to Ena's cheek.

‎‎There was that same unbearable ache again. She was eternally thankful for having friends that helped her break out of herself. Mafuyu would always be grateful, then what was this feeling? It constricts her heart, makes her hands clammy, makes her lose the ability to think straight. It makes whatever she has feel like it's not enough. Like it would never be enough.

‎‎Jealousy. That's what it was. As much as Mafuyu hated to admit it, she was envious. Envious of her only friends she could be someone with. How despicable.

‎‎This feeling was filth. All of her feelings were filth. Everything about her was filth.

‎‎Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth Filth. 

‎‎That is what she would always be. Filth and anger and jealousy and utter misery. Even if she achieved her long forgotten dreams, no true happiness would wait at the end of it. All because of these unnecessary thoughts towards the softest person in the world. All because of these despicable thoughts towards the people who helped her most. ‎

‎"Mafuyu?" Kanade speaks, and it seems far away again, like Mafuyu is dreaming again. She's still in her bed, and suddenly she'll be jolted awake. But Kanade's voice becomes more clear as she speaks more.

‎‎"Mafuyu...?" She places a hand on Mafuyu's arm, and she's not dreaming anymore.

‎‎"Y-yes?" Mafuyu stutters and she immediately clears her throat, repeating her response without the stutter. "Yes, Kanade?" 

‎‎Kanade continues to look with concern. When was the last time Mafuyu had stuttered over simple words? Certainly not recently. "Is everything alright?"

‎‎No. It's not. It's never going to be alright. As long as Mafuyu harbours these thoughts, nothing will be alright. 

‎‎"I'm fine. Sorry for worrying you." Mafuyu smiles as she replies, and she knows Kanade must have noticed. When she does notice, she doesn't say anything.

‎‎

---

‎

‎The AC is unbearably loud again. Mafuyu's blanket is on the floor this time. Her head is clear, and a voice from somewhere in the emptiness screams at her. It reminds her of the unavoidable future. It reminds her that if God had wanted to, she would have been made right the first time. But she wasn't. And this was the only life Mafuyu was getting, so what's done was done.

‎

Notes:

English isn't my first language and I wrote this on my phone so please forgive any inconsistencies 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Chapter 3

Notes:

new chapter!!!! this time a lot earlier everyone be proud of me

Routine on days off never changed for Mafuyu. It was the same cycle of chores and studying and N25 and going back to sleep. Mafuyu didn’t mind it all that much. Today would be the same as Mafuyu currently stood in the kitchen, watching as the water slowly comes to a boil.

Her attention shifts to Kanade’s closed door as she hears a muffled thud. “Kanade?” Mafuyu knocks, waiting for a response. “It’s fine. You can come in.” Mafuyu opens the door, finding Kanade crouched down on the floor, picking up a stack of papers—which she figures was the reason for the thud.

“Are you alright?” Mafuyu asks, immediately shuffling towards the composer, crouching down herself to help with the pickup process. Kanade nods, replying with a small hum. “Mm, accidentally tripped on some stuff.” Mafuyu looked around the room. Maybe she should put the homework on hold today and help with some tidying up. Mafuyu doesn’t say anything on the subject, knowing it would probably be forgotten within five minutes. Instead, she asks: “Do you want tea?” Kanade nods again, a smile on her face.

Mafuyu places the small stack on the already overflowing table, fearing it might just fall again. Kanade looks content enough, so she doesn’t bother pressing the issue much.

The first cup of water has come to a boil, and Mafuyu adds another one in, waiting for it to start all over again. It eventually does its job, and Mafuyu pours them into the cups, letting the tea bags soak into the hot water. She brings the other cup into Kanade’s room, placing it on a spot the composer had cleared out.

“Careful, it’s ho-“ and right before Mafuyu can finish her words, everything goes dark, the only voice heard being a small “Oh.” from Kanade.

Mafuyu turns on the flashlight, making her way over to the curtain and pulling them apart, noticing the other houses and streetlights turned off. “Seems like a blackout.” Mafuyu says, letting go of the curtain and pointing the flashlight towards Kanade.

She looks around for a bit, looking for any solution they could find, but nothing came to mind. “Should we go to the Sekai?” Mafuyu asks, the tea steaming against her flashlight. Kanade gives it some thought for a moment before speaking up. They had always gone to the Sekai during blackouts, maybe this time it should be a bit different. “Do you want to go to the roof?”

 

Truth be told, Mafuyu was completely unaware that they could go to the roof.

Kanade opened a door just next to her own room, and immediately Mafuyu could tell it hadn’t been opened in a long while. A scent penetrated her nose, a scent different from the rest of the house, like this room had been left untouched since the previous owners.

The curtain was open, and Mafuyu could see dust particles dancing along in the ray of moonlight, making use of whatever illumination they found. “I used to play in this room. When I was…younger.” Kanade states, her tone a bit gloomy but not letting it take over her completely. Mafuyu wants to ask more. Did she play with her mother? Did her father also join? What did they usually do? Kanade moves away from the flashlight and towards a steep ladder, and Mafuyu catches a glance of the forlorn smile that crosses her lips. She does not know what to do to help.

“We can climb from here. I can go up first to open the door, and you can then hand me the tea?” Kanade faces Mafuyu, flinching a bit from the sudden harsh light. Mafuyu points it to the floor. “Of course.” Mafuyu says as she goes into the next room to get the cups of tea, placing them in a small tray to make carrying them a bit easier.

Mafuyu points the flashlight at the ladder as Kanade holds onto either side, placing one foot on the first step, hoisting herself up onto the second. Mafuyu places the tray nearby, just in case Kanade needs catching from a fall. Thankfully though, she doesn’t fall. The small trapdoor opens with a creak and Kanade walks through, settling herself on the roof and leaning down, signaling for Mafuyu to pass the tray. Mafuyu does just that, and then makes her way up.

Her head pokes through the trapdoor, and she can already feel the relief from how stuffy the house had gotten. She settles herself next to Kanade close to the trapdoor, the tray of tea resting beside the composer. Mafuyu wipes the sweat off her forehead, letting herself enjoy the small whispers of wind, cooling her off.

“The weather is nice. I’m glad we came here.” It wasn’t often that Kanade showed appreciation for the weather, so it definitely came as a nice surprise. “Yeah.” Mafuyu replies, her voice barely audible, carried away by the wind.

It’s all dark. And so quiet. Mafuyu can hear cats meowing in the distance, hear the paws of dogs as they run through the alley, chasing some critter. It’s so quiet that she can hear Kanade breathing next to her, a bit ragged from the prior climbing. She hears Kanade shuffle against the hard surface and looks over to her.

Kanade shifts and rests her back against the surface, laying down on the roof, her face towards the sky. The tea must be getting cold, but Kanade looks comfortable, and Mafuyu wants to join in on that comfort. And Mafuyu does exactly that. She lays her head next to Kanade’s, a safe distance away to not make her uncomfortable.

The moon hides behind the clouds, and it’s too dark to make out what kind of expression Kanade is making. Does she miss her parents in this moment? Is she content with just Mafuyu next to her? The questions plague and eat away at her mind, questions she would never voice out, thoughts that would forever stay behind the clouds. She looks up at the sky. It’s much more enchanting now. The stars glint against the dark background, and that glint gets covered by oncoming clouds. Small gusts of wind, and the stars reveal themselves again. The moon remains covered, but this sight is enough for now.

Mafuyu’s hands lay on her chest, and inexorably her eyes go towards Kanade. She’s still looking at the sky, hands on her sides. Mafuyu could hold them. Kanade’s hands were probably cold, and she could warm her own with Kanade. They could both be warm. If only Mafuyu could move, they could both find more comfort.

“Don’t lose focus. Your life is in reach.” Her mother’s words echoed once more. Mafuyu might go a day or two without hearing that voice, but it comes back nonetheless. It comes back and it reminds her what she’s stepping into. It gives her the grim reminded that she has fallen in too deep. Your life is in reach? What she wanted to reach was right next to her. The thing she’d spent her life looking for was right next to her. So what else was there to reach for? Her mother wasn’t wrong, but neither was she correct. Even if she was correct, it all fell onto Mafuyu.

She keeps her hands on her chest, eyes looking back at the abyss staring at her.

“Kanade.” Kanade turns her head towards Mafuyu, and Mafuyu feels the small shuffle. Mafuyu continues to speak. “Do you think it’s okay to love?” What kind of question even was that? It wasn’t the normal kind of love she was talking about. Even if Kanade did ans-

“I think it’s okay.” Mafuyu can feel it; Kanade’s eyes on her face. “Loving someone is never wrong.” Mafuyu finds herself relaxing. The stars look a bit brighter, a bit distorted. She blinks, and the stars get more distorted. She blinks again, but it doesn’t seem to get better. Kanade must have noticed it too as she slides a bit closer to Mafuyu. She can feel Kanade’s warmth on her arm now, and the world only seems to twist more. It’s almost like her mother is here, pulling her away from what feels right. She’s still whispering and it’s twisting everything more.

“It’s fine, mom. I won’t give in to anything.” Mafuyu thinks, her mother hovering above her.

“Let go of it, Mafuyu. You have already strayed, don’t let it continue.”

“Yes, mom.”

Kanade’s gaze on Mafuyu’s face doesn’t waver, and suddenly it’s as if the stars are piercing her eyes with their shine. Mafuyu turns to face Kanade, and the clouds move aside, revealing the moon and its light. The silver hair shines brighter under the illumination, way above any star. They both lay there facing each other, not saying anything. This was the norm for them; staying in a place for hours without the need of a single word.

Mafuyu wonders if Kanade is happy right now, or if she’s thinking of something more. Her face heats up and the world seems a bit less distorted now—Mafuyu’s eyes drier than a moment before. Kanade moves her hand, grabbing onto Mafuyu’s before getting a bit closer as her breath brushes past Mafuyu’s nose.

This could be what Mafuyu wants. This is what she has been searching for, and she knows for certain now. Kanade is so close to her, and once Mafuyu makes up her mind, they can be even closer. One simple step, and Mafuyu fails at it. She sits up with a jolt, her breath ragged and uncertain as if she can’t pull air into her lungs. Her heart doesn’t slow down and doesn’t show any signs of doing so. The world starts to twist again in unbearable ways. Kanade sits up as well, her expression full of concern as she looks at Mafuyu.

“Mafuyu?” Mafuyu looks at Kanade, not bothering to hide herself this time. “You’re crying.” Kanade’s voice falls. She reaches for Mafuyu’s shoulders, hoping to provide some sort of comfort.

“No…please.” Mafuyu speaks through gentle streaks of tears. She can’t find it in herself to say Kanade’s name. She doesn’t want to taint the pure name with her sin. How seamless it all seemed a couple minutes ago, and then came trouble. Trouble she couldn’t help but fall into, trouble she had to force herself to walk away from.

The wind gets a bit louder, drowning out the louds thoughts, but not letting them die. Mafuyu stands up on the roof, and the world lights up again. She squints as the streetlights suddenly come back on and all the houses light up.

“We should get back down.” She holds in a sob, walking over to the trapdoor, holding it open for Kanade.

Kanade doesn’t protest against it. She doesn’t question the tears, knowing she can ask about it later when all is calm. She goes down first and Mafuyu picks up the tray, the tea gone completely cold. She hands it to Kanade once she gets to the bottom, and Mafuyu follows suit.

 

Mafuyu stands in the kitchen, heating up the tea. It must have lost some of its flavour, but they weren’t fond of wasting tea bags. She occasionally hears the clack of keyboard stop at intervals, knowing it was Kanade checking up in her own way. She won’t ask right now, Mafuyu knows. But she also knows she can’t keep running away.

Notes:

i wrote this in middle of class breaks and my words keep slurring cuz im so sleepy. there were definitely some mistakes in this so my sincerest apologies for that
im fighting the urge to make them kiss so badly rn..........