we fall in love til’ it hurts or bleeds or fades in time

by love_from_ri

Summary:

Summary changed 15-09-2025

“Alex, you fell asleep on the floor of my bedroom. If that constitutes fun for you, I’m slightly concerned.” Alex almost took offence at that, but then his sleep-addled brain caught up to him and he realized Sebastian was joking. “But yeah, I had fun too.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian agreed, and, waving, he turned to go home.

Alex watched him leave, and as he walked through the door into the kitchen, he sent Haley a text.

To Haley <3: hey so i think i have a crush

_________________________________

so alex likes sebastian
and its all a bit h o m o s e x u a l
i suck at summaries. im sorry.

Chapter 1: this town is fake, but you’re the real thing

Notes:

Hello!
Was thinking the other day that it’s pretty suspicious how Alex is always walking past Robin’s, so I wrote a thing about it.
Hope you enjoy <3

P.S. Work title is from State Of Grace by Taylor Swift, and chapter title is from Clara Bow, also by Taylor Swift.

Alex decided he hated winter. It wasn’t just the cold – although it was cold, stupidly so, like the air had some sort of personal vendetta against him – it was the stark emptiness that dulled the usually colourful aura around Pelican Town.  

It was deathly silent apart from the sound of his beaten-up trainers crunching through leaves crusted in frost. The ground was covered in a light dusting of snow, not nearly deep enough for Penny to let Vince and Jas off for the day, but the sprinkling of snowflakes meant he had to do his daily workout in the gym by the railroad.  

Well, technically, he could lift weights and junk in his room, but he liked the walk past Robin’s house. No you don’t, his stupid traitorous brain whispered.  Which was a lie. He did like the walk. More exercise. You don’t like the walk, you idiot, he thought. You like Se – NO. No he didn’t. He liked Haley. Really, he did. He wanted gelled black spikes long, soft, shining curls that tumbled past her shoulders, pink skirts and lip-gloss and black painted fingernails - 

 

His phone beeped in his pocket. 

From Haley <3: Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Come over? 

To Haley <3: sry, cant rn, off to the gym. ttyl? 

From Haley <3: Okay! We’ve not hung out in agesssss, I miss you x 

 

Alex exited messages and sighed, his breath misting in the air and hanging for a moment before dispersing in the wind.  

Haley was wonderful, she really was.  

Alex had known her since they were six – she was the one who used to let him copy her homework in school when he had forgotten, the one who made him laugh when he knew he was about to cry, the same girl who had stuck by him through thick and thin, who held him when the voice got too loud, when he wanted to curl up in bed and never get out again. 

He didn’t just like her – he loved her. Always would do. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind over that point. But. When Alex thought about it, thought about kissing her perfect pink lips, something inside him recoiled. 

It wasn’t that she was ugly – nobody could ever accuse Haley of that. She wasn’t and had worked very hard to make sure of that fact. Alex himself had often sat on her bedroom floor and watched her gently tease her golden hair into loose ringlets that framed her heart-shaped face, watched in amazement as she photoshopped her skin using only a few plastic containers filled with what Alex could only assume was witchcraft. She insisted it was just makeup, but he knew her sister would wear the odd bit of makeup when she visited the desert, and the effect was nothing like the magic Haley could do. 

Alex had taken trips to Zuzu city with her, all dedicated to updating her wardrobe with the latest trends while still sticking to her signature colour palette (blue, pink, yellow – the shades of spring), and he knew that Haley did just as much exercise, if not more than Alex, to keep her looking healthy and young. 

She was, by all accounts, attractive. Very. 

So why wasn’t Alex attracted to her? 

He clicked back into messages again and was in the middle of writing out a reply when he collided with something. Or rather, someone. He toppled to the floor. 

Shit. 

“ Shit, ” He said aloud as he looked dumbly ahead at the pair of Converse in front of him. They were scuffed up, but not in the way Alex’s were. Alex had owned the same pair of trainers for years, and time had, understandably, taken its toll on the poor things. These, however, were artfully worn out, with a faded effect on the canvas that Alex could tell wasn’t achieved by sun, but rather a complicated process in manufacturing that Sebastian had doubtlessly paid double the price for. 

“Um,” the voice belonging to the shoes said. “Are you alright?” 

No. No, Alex was not alright. He was stuck sitting on the frozen ground with the snow seeping through his trousers and out of all the scenarios he’d wistfully imagined thought about on occasion, this was not the way he thought they’d meet. He realized that the voice was probably waiting for an answer. 

“Yeah,” Alex lied.  

“...”  

“...” 

“Do you, um,” Sebastian said. “Do you need a hand there?” Alex finally forced himself to look up and meet his eyes. They were nice eyes – dark grey, like the sky before a storm, but Alex looked closer and noticed flecks of gold that seemed to dance around the abnormally deep pupils. 

“Yeah,” He said again. Yoba, he heard his inner voice chide. Those extra vocabulary lessons they gave you really didn ’ t help, huh? Oh for – he didn’t need this. Not now. Guess there ’ s no cure for stupidity, the voice continued. You were always bound to end up a failure.  

Sebastian reached down and clasped Alex’s hand in his own, chasing away the darkness that had begun to cloud his mind again. He pulled Alex up from the floor with surprising strength, but as Alex got to his feet he stumbled, pitching forward again. He was only stopped from rocketing to the ground a second time by Sebastian placing a hand on his chest. 

“Thanks,” he muttered, brushing the snow off his jeans. He stared at the ground like it held the secret to his existence, as his cheeks flushed. From the cold. 

Definitely the cold. 

“No problem,” Sebastian replied, the ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. “Sorry for ambushing you.” 

Alex just shrugged, overcome with embarrassment. He could no longer feel the cold on account of the fact that it felt as though every part of him was burning – the mortification was eating him up from the inside. 

They both stood there in silence for a while, Alex scuffing his feet against the floor. He wanted desperately to fill the silence, but all he could think of were questions. Questions upon questions upon questions. 

Is your hair naturally that colour? Do you dye it? If so, do you do it yourself? Is it hard? Why am I so fixated on your hair? Do you like guys? If you do, what’s your type? Do I fit? Why do I even care? Why do you make me feel like Haley should make me feel?  

“Where are you headed?” He blurted before clapping his hand over his mouth.  

“Just to the lake,”  

“Nice.” 

“How about you?”  

Alex picked up his bag from where it had fallen beside him and sort of awkwardly waved it in the air. “Uhh... up to the gym.” Oh god, why had he said that? Maybe because it ’ s the truth, you idiot? Yeah, but now Sebastian would think he was just another dumb jock. Why the fuck did Sebastian’s opinion suddenly matter to him? What was happening?   

“Sounds cool,” Alex was jolted out of his spiral by the half smile he could hear in Sebastian’s voice.  He looked up, meeting those dark grey eyes again. Yoba, those eyes . Alex could probably drown in them. “Well, don’t let me keep you, Alexander.” 

“It’s just Alex,” He muttered. 

“Shame,” Sebastian responded, properly smiling now. “I prefer Alexander.”  

“...” 

“Well Alexander, I’d better be off. You know how it is. Cigarettes to smoke, existential crises to have.” He smiled wryly to himself and began to turn. Alex realized that for whatever reason he didn’t want Sebastian to go – the thought of watching his converse leave footprints in the snow as he walked away filled his head. The thought of watching those footprints fill with the snowflakes tumbling from the sky, erasing any evidence that this conversation had taken place at all. He knew it shouldn’t, but imagining it hurt. 

“Wait!” The word tumbled from his lips, louder than he’d intended. He hadn’t really intended to say it at all, if he was honest. 

Sebastian turned his head over his shoulder slightly. “Hm?” 

“Um, I,” He struggled to think. “Do you have a pen?” 

“Uh, yea, I should do,” Sebastian responded, checking the pocket of his black jeans. “How come?” 

Alex didn’t answer, just darted forward and snatched the sharpie Sebastian had managed to produce. Luckily, he had his number memorised, or it would have been a lot harder to scrawl it on Sebastian’s hand. He briefly debated adding a heart at the end – why did he debate that – but instead settled on a smiley.  

“Don’t call, text,” He managed to get out before the realization of what he’d just done hit him. He’d given a boy his number. A boy he didn’t even properly know. A boy who was now looking at him with his head tilted slightly to one side, and, unless Alex was mistaken (which was very likely), a hint of a blush.  

“Yea, no, I don’t like phone calls either,” said boy replied. 

“Okay then.” 

“Okay.” 

“Yeah.” 

And without another word, Alex ran away walked off toward the gym in a calm and controlled manner. 

Thinking about blonde hair and pink skirts. 

About blue eyes that sparkled with hope. 

Haley. 

It would only ever be Haley. 

Could only ever be Haley. 

Still. 

He couldn’t put the notion away... 

Notes:

Hi again!

I really enjoyed writing that, so I hope you enjoyed reading it too!

Kay byeee xx

P.S. I will be updating at least once a week (hopefully)

Chapter 2: my god, don’t look at your phone

Summary:

Alex meets up with Haley, and gets his first message from the cute guy in the mountains. Oh yeah and cookies.

Alex put the Tupperware container filled with freshly made cookies on the doorstep next to his feet and rapped his knuckles against the cherry wood door. The noise seemed to echo through the town, the hollow sound bouncing between buildings, growing until it was all he could hear in the frigid air, pressing in on all sides.  

He knocked again and was rewarded with a shout of “Hold on! I’m coming!” from inside the house.  

He wasn’t kept waiting much longer before the door opened to a five-foot bundle of blue hair and unbridled energy who immediately flung her arms round Alex’s neck, knocking him back a step.  

“Alex!” Emily squealed.  

Alex pulled away. “Hi,” he waved awkwardly.  

“Oh, it’s good to see your face!” She was beaming from ear to ear, motioning him into the living room. “Come in, sit down! Haley’s not here right now, but she should be back soon. Would you like a tea?” Alex did as he was told, taking the Tupperware container with him, as Emily boiled the kettle despite Alex not having answered.  

“How have you been, Emily?” He asked as he settled the container on his lap and pulled out his phone.  

To Haley <3: hey im at urs rn, ur sistr is ambushing me with tea - where u at?  

The response was almost instantaneous.  

From Haley <3: Sorry! Just on my way now. Looking forward to seeing you :)

To Haley <3: u r the only person ik who types “on my way” instead of omw  

From Haley <3: I like it when people can actually read my texts. Sue me, I guess!  

To Haley <3: *ig  

Alex smiled to himself and pocketed his phone again as Emily replied.  

“Oh, so-so,” she smiled, placing a mug on the table in front of him, then seating herself on the sofa. “I have a date with Sandy tomorrow, so that’s something to look forward to. You?”  

Alex flopped dramatically back in his seat and wailed, “I haaate winter! It’s so cold !”  

“Well, that is what it tends to be like in the winter, Alex...” Emily giggled teasingly.  

“I guess, but not thi -” His complaint was cut short by Haley flinging the door open and chucking her earmuffs across the room with such force that they hit Alex in the head. Hard.  

“Oops!” she giggled. “Sorry about that.” She flipped her head upside down and shook out her hair – a scattering of half-melted snowflakes drifted out of her golden curls to land on the doormat.  

“Yoba, Haley,” Alex said, rubbing his forehead. “That hurt . You really should consider taking up gridball.”  

At this Haley let out a very unladylike snort of derision. “As if! Hey, what’s that in the box?” She asked, even though she had already snatched the Tupperware from Alex’s hands.  

“Evelyn made cookies again, I thought I’d bring some round.”  

Haley squealed excitedly and tore the lid off. “Oh, Evie makes the best cookies,” She said between bites. Alex smiled slightly at the grin on her face. Yoba, she was fucking radiant . Her cheeks were flushed from the walk, her eyes shining, happiness emanating out of every pore in her beautiful face, and Alex wanted to cry. You won ’ t ever be enough for her, the voice told him. She deserves someone who ’ ll actually love her the way she deserves to be loved. For once, Alex agreed with it.  

Any normal  boy would propose to her on the spot, just seeing her like this. Alex was starting to realize that, for worse or for better, he was not normal.  

He wanted to cry, to break down and hug Haley like the world was ending; to tell her how much she meant to him.  

Instead he simply laughed. “ Evie?” Haley giggled and just shrugged.  

Emily stood up, laughing, and made her way to the door – not before grabbing a few cookies for herself – and opened it. “Well, it’s almost twelve, I’d better be off to the Saloon,” she said as she stepped outside. “Just a reminder that I don’t wanna be an Auntie yet!” she called, shutting the door. At this, Haley smiled a sad kind of smile, shaking her head infinitesimally, so small Alex wouldn’t have noticed if he didn’t know her so well.  

“What’s wrong?” He asked.  

“I, uh,” she paused like she was going to say something but thought better of it. “Nothing.”  

It obviously wasn’t nothing, but Alex didn’t push – that never ended well with Haley. Instead, he changed the subject expertly like years of practice had taught him.  

“Where were you then?” He asked her, grabbing her arm and pulling her on the couch next to him.  

“Oh, um,” she stuttered. That was the first real sign that something was off. Haley never stuttered – she was so confident in herself. Some people called her shallow and self-obsessed, but she would always come back and laugh that they were insecure and projecting. Haley didn’t stutter. Ever. “Nowhere, really, just up by Heather’s,” Alex noted with curiosity that the tips of her ears turned pink. “Taking pictures of her farm for a feature that Lewis is running in the newspaper.” The mayor of Pelican Town ran a local paper that was severely lacking in the news part, essentially just serving as a source of gossip for the town.  

“Oh, nice!” Alex smiled. He didn’t know the farmer very well, but Heather seemed nice from the couple of times he’d spoken to her. A little shy, but kind. Her and Haley were close, and the three of them hung out at events a lot. She had a nice cat too, which in Alex’s opinion was very important. “How’s Heather then?”  

“She’s doing really well,” Haley smiled, reaching for another cookie. “She was planting some Powder Melons when I showed up, which I didn’t even know were a thing! They’re really cool though; she told me all about them. They’re like normal melons but they grow in the winter too, and they taste sort of like vanilla? She let me try a jam she made as well, and I got some really cute photos of all the animals.” Alex had missed this. Had missed the way Haley would talk for hours about anything and everything, her energy bouncing from subject to subject while he listened with half his mind, her words loud and fast enough that they silenced any residue of the voice that thrived off cutting him down.  

As Haley carried on rambling, Alex’s phone beeped. Haley stopped mid-sentence and tilted her head. “Who is it?”  

“Um...” Alex checked. “Unknown Number.” He opened the text.  

From Unknown Number: hey, this Alexander? I really hope it is, bcz if its not, I might just give up lol  

Alex’s heart leaped with hope. It had been a day since he gave Sebastian his number, and he’d been beating himself up over evry second he hadn’t texted. You don ’ t even know it ’ s him , came the predicted chiding. After all, why would he text you ? He didn’t know the answer to that, but he silenced the voice and shot back a reply, both to maybe-Sebastian and Haley. “It might be Sebastian,” he muttered to her, already typing.  

To Unknown Number: depends, who r u?  

From Unknown Number: ah shit, sorry, its just seb :)  

To Just Seb: in which case, ye, its ALEX. y were u gonna give up??  

“Sebastian? Like, the weird guy who lives in the mountains?” Haley responded.  

“He’s not weird,” Alex borderline snapped at her. Haley looked hurt.  

“You were the one who started calling him that,” She whispered sadly.  

He looked up from his phone. “Oh, Yoba, Haley,” Alex clapped a hand to his mouth. “I know, I know, Yoba, I’m sorry. I don’t know why it came out like that,”  

She smiled. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. He’s the one who hangs out with Sam and Abby, right?”  

“Uh, yeah? I think so? Like, Abigail with the purple hair?”  

“How many Abigails do you know?” Haley responded.  

“Good point,” Alex snorted, returning to his phone.  

From Just Seb: your handwriting is utter shit, I ended up texting 3 numbers before u. 1 of them thought I was a prostitute...  

Alex laughed out loud, and Haley looked at him curiously.  

To Just Seb: WTF im dying T-T  

“What’s going on?” Haley asked, trying to sneak a look at Alex’s phone over his shoulder.  

“Nothing!” He squealed, turning away from her. “Nosy little hedgehog,” he said under his breath.  

“What was that? Hedgehog ?”  

“I said what I said.”  

Haley laughed. “You sure did. Why’s he texting you anyway?” Well, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Why is he texting a loser like you?  

“Um, I wanted to buy something from his mum,” Alex lied.  

“Yeah, right,” Haley rolled her eyes. “I’ll dig it out of you eventually.” He wished she would, because he sure couldn’t.  

“I don’t think you will,” Alex muttered, locking his phone and throwing at across the room when all he wanted to do was lie down and reread the measly six messages they’d shared. Best not examine why that was what he wanted. “Anyway. You were telling me about you and Heather’s theory? Marnie and the Mayor?”  

“Right!” Haley exclaimed. He knew she would bring it up again later, but for now she respected his subject change. “We think they’re actually hooking up...”  

Notes:

Thanks for reading!
Hope you enjoyed xx

P.S. chapter title is from crush culture by conan gray

Chapter 3: half my mind, you're still occupying

Summary:

In which Alex brings YET MORE COOKIES over to Sam's house, for reasons he isn't ready to admit to himself.

“Another batch, dear?” Evelyn repeated incredulously. “What happened to the one I made you on Thursday?”  

“Haley ate them all,” Alex responded, and Evelyn’s face immediately softened. She had always had a soft spot for Haley – Alex suspected it was the fact that Evelyn thought Alex was going to marry her someday. He didn’t blame her – until about a week, he’d thought the same.  

“So, who are these ones for?” She asked, doing her best to sound disapproving even as she reached into the cupboard for the sugar, and began chopping the chocolate bar into chips. She always said that the pre-bought chocolate chips were ninety percent sugar, nine percent milk and one percent actual cocoa, so it was best to cut your own from proper chocolate bars. “Given that I’ve never seen you eat more than three at a time.”  

“Uh,” Alex stalled, knowing that telling her the truth would result in a relentless torrent of Whys that he couldn’t even answer himself. He settled with, “Haley’s neighbour and his friends. They’re doing band practice, and I thought it would be nice to bring them something to eat.” It was the truth, technically , although they weren’t really for Sam. Still.  

“Alright, dear,” Evelyn sighed, indulging him. “You go enjoy yourself, they’ll be ready in about forty-five minutes.” Alex hugged her tightly, whispered thank you in her ear, and retreated to his room.  

He shut the door, connecting to the Bluetooth speaker Haley got him at a bargain for his sixteenth birthday. He pressed shuffle on his playlist, hoping the first song was one he wanted to hear right then. I think he knows, Taylor Swift. He let out a twisted laugh and lay back on the red duvet covering his bed. His eyes fell on the shit Artex occupying his ceiling. What a joke, he thought, that someone had put effort into making the ceiling look nice when everyone ended looking down at their phones instead. Speaking of...  

To Just Seb: can u send me a pic of ur ceiling I want 2 check smt  

From Just Seb: is ceiling a euphemism for something I dont know about bc thats a rlly random thing to want to see  

Alex laughed out loud.  

To Just Seb: no i wanna know if u have artex on yours as well  

From Just Seb: [1 attachment] nah I live in a basement, how come?  

To Just Seb: honestly no clue just boreddd out of my mind  

From Just Seb: relatable  

“Finished, Alex!” Evelyn called from the other room. Smiling, he tucked his phone in his pocket and walked through.  

The kitchen smelled like home. Alex just stood there for a second, a wave of bittersweet nostalgia hitting him like a wall – the warm vanilla floating through the air reminded him of the perfume his mum would wear when her and Ian went out to dinner. Delicious, reminding him of a time that was somehow both happier and sadder than today.  

Hey, Evelyn, he thought about asking. Did you ever notice that something might be off with my mum? Did you suspect? Did she seem a bit more... sad? Or was it all normal? Was the note a surprise?  

Instead, he just thanked her again and packed the freshly made cookies in a box, lining the container in kitchen roll and putting them in carefully. He kissed George on the cheek and opened the front door into the biting air, taking a moment to acclimatise to the cold before stepping out into it.  

The box warmed his cold-bitten fingers as he trudged toward Haley’s neighbour’s house. Why was he doing this, he asked himself. What was he hoping to achieve? A smile? A “thank you”? He wasn’t sure, but that didn’t stop him lifting his hand to knock on the dark sienna door. He was waiting for someone to answer it when Haley stuck her head out her window and yelled his name.  

“Alex?” He whipped his head round to look at her. “Why are you at Sam’s?” He tried to formulate a response, words forming on his lips, but they were immediately interrupted by Jodi opening the door.  

“Alex! Oh, come in, you must be freezing , come in, come in!” He shot a helpless glance back at Haley as he was pulled in by the arm. He was standing in the centre of Jodi’s kitchen awkwardly when Sam opened poked his head in, the open door providing a clear view into his room. A keyboard and drum kit were set up on the wood panelling of his floor, and a blue guitar was positioned haphazardly on the bed, like it had been thrown down carelessly.  

A girl with shocking amethyst hair was seated at the drum kit – she wore a black T-shirt with a denim vest secured by a black leather belt, and boots that looked like they could kill a fully-grown man. Her stance was relaxed, and Alex felt a little intimidated by how cool she seemed. Huh, he thought. I didn ’t know Abigail played drums.  

Alex looked over at the keyboard, behind which stood Sebastian. His black painted fingernails rested on the white keys like they belonged there, his storm grey eyes focused on the sheet music in front of him as he bit his lip. Alex did his very best not to look at his mouth. He inevitably failed. When he dragged his eyes back up, he realized the other boy was looking at him with an odd expression on his face. Alex cursed himself, and, blushing, looked away hurriedly.  

“Mum!” Sam shouted, and Alex jumped at the noise. “Who was... oh, hey, Alex,” He trailed off.  

“Hey,” He responded awkwardly, holding out the box of cookies like an offering. “Evelyn sent these, she thought you guys would like them,” Jodi, who he’d honestly forgotten was even there, made a sound that he chose to interpret as delighted, although Haley would probably have called it ‘tortured’.  

“Isn’t that sweet ?” She exclaimed, beaming at Sam.  

Sam shrugged apologetically at Alex before replying with, “I guess so,”  

“Vince will love these,” Jodi sighed. “I don’t suppose they’re sugar free?”  

“Uhm,” Alex said. “I don’t... think so?”  

Sam rolled his eyes again. “Don’t mind her, she’s on some kind of sugar free diet. I’ll take some though,” He grinned, gesturing Alex into the room.  

“Don’t make too much noise, Sam, Alex doesn’t want to go deaf,” Jodi called as the door closed.  

“OoOoH, are those chocolate chip?” Abigail piped up from the drum kit.  

“Use your eyes, Abi,” Sebastian told her.  

“Oh, go stick your head in a blender,” she muttered, hair swinging around her waist as she walked over to grab a cookie from the box on the bed. “These are good, ” she told the group. “You can sit down, you know,” she told Alex. “It’s okay, I don’t bite.”  

He did as instructed and sat next to her on the edge of Sam’s bed, taking off his shoes and crossing his legs. “So, um, what kind of music do y’all play?” He asked.  

“This and that,” Sam said from his spot on the floor. “Mostly covers, but sometimes Seb comes up with some lyrics and, y’know, we just go with the vibe of that.”  

Alex did not, in fact, know, but he nodded anyway like he had any idea of what it was like to be remotely artistically talented in any way. “Who sings?” He asked.  

Sam raised his hand. “Me,” He added as if he hadn’t just made that clear. “I do.”  

“Cool,” Alex replied. It sounded fake, but it was cool. He didn’t play an instrument, although he wished he did. He’d asked his parents when he was younger, but Ian had always told him it was a waste of time, given that he was too stupid to learn, and when he left, they were too poor to afford lessons, so he never brought it up with his mum. Sometimes he wondered what he would choose to play if his dad wasn’t such a dick, but he never thought about it for long. What was the point? He was happy as he was. Well. Maybe happy wasn’t the right word.  

They sat in silence for a while, and while Alex supposed it was technically what classed as an awkward silence, it didn’t feel awkward. Sebastian unplugged his headphones from the keyboard and moved over to take a cookie.  

“Before Abigail eats them all,” He explained, sitting on the floor and leaning against the bed. Alex froze. He was suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that, if he wanted to, (which he definitely, definitely, didn’t) he could reach out and touch Sebastian’s blue-black hair. What a weird thing to think about. He mentally shook himself and tried to recollect the lists of conversation starters he’d seen in Winter Star crackers over the years. Somehow, he didn’t hold out much hope for what ’ s your favourite colour working.  

“What’s everyone doing after, well, this,” Alex gestured vaguely at the instruments laid out across the room.  

Abigail sighed. “Probably going home and failing at Prairie King  for a couple hours,”  

“Oh, you play that game too?” Alex turned to her.  

“Yeah! You do?”  

“I used to,” he confessed. “But I got rid of it because I couldn’t beat level nine.”  

“Level nine!” Abigail repeated incredulously, almost falling off the bed. “I’m still on level one,” she admitted sadly.  

He smiled. “Do you... do you want tips? Like, I really don’t want to mansplain to you, but if you wan-”  

“YES, yes please, yes,” Abi nodded emphatically.  

He excitedly shared the tips and pointers he’d collected from years of playing, and every now and then he would look down at the floor and see Sam and Sebastian talking about some other subject. They all seemed so happy together, and Alex was hit by a feeling of sadness, almost akin to mourning, for his younger self. He wondered, for the first time, what it would have been like if he actually had friends when he was small. He hadn’t had any problems making them – he was sporty, and pretty up to date on all the clothing trends – but it was harder keeping them. His broken mess of a family had always been moving about, so he never stayed at a school long enough to establish himself into a friendship group, or move past the initial, surface level bonding: “Oh look, we have the same backpack,” type of thing.  

These three though... they’d clearly all been friends since before he’d moved to the valley, and it showed in every interaction they had, in the way Sam would reach over and fix Sebastian’s hair (were they an item , wondered Alex), in the affection he read in Abigail’s eyes as she threw a cookie at Sam’s head.  

He wanted that.  

It had been an hour or two, and the conversation had moved on. Abigail was asking him if he played an instrument, and Alex had laughed.  

“No,” he responded. “I’d like to, but I just don’t think I have the patience to commit.”  

“Fair enough,” she responded, opening her mouth to say something else. She was, however, cut off by Sebastian from the floor.  

“I could teach you,” He offered. “To play keyboard. That is,” he paused. “If you wanted?”  

“Um,” Alex was shocked. He thought for a second, and was surprised to find that he did, in fact, want. “Yeah, I,” he looked at his lap. “I’d like that.”  

Sebastian smiled his gorgeous normal-looking half smile. “Cool,” he said. “I’ll text you.” And went back to his conversation with Sam.  

“How does he have your number?” Abigail looked confused.  

Alex didn’t think it would come to it, but oh well... “Abigail, what’s your favourite colour?”  

“Uh, purple? Isn’t it a bit obvious?” She tugged on a strand of her hair.  

“Maybe,” Alex replied, “But my hair’ s brown. Brown isn’t my favourite colour.”  

“What is?” she asked. And so they resumed conversation for about fifteen minutes, when Alex’s phone beeped with a text.  

From Granny: Hey there dear, I’ve made lunch if you want some. I hope you’re having fun! Love, Evelyn.  

To Granny: Okay, just coming! Thank you xx  

“I’ve got to, go, but it was nice talking,” Alex stood up. “See you again sometime?”  

“Sure,” Abigail smiled. “If you want to help with Prairie King anytime, I’d love that.”  

Alex nodded and mouthed will do.  

“Tell Evelyn thanks for the cookies,” Sam said, and smiled. “They were really good.”  

Sebastian just waved.  

As Alex walked home, he didn’t feel the chill of the air, just a warm glow in his chest that lasted all through the day until he went to bed.  

And when he slept, he had the best night’s sleep he had had in a long time. He could just ignore the fact that his dreams were filled with rain-coloured eyes and a smile that wasn’t all there.  

If he didn’t acknowledge it, it wasn’t real.  

Right?  

Notes:

I think I might be craving cookies.

Hope you enjoyed :)

p.s. chapter title is from cool by gracie abrams

Chapter 4: i can't pretend it's okay when it's not

Summary:

SO! There is a kiss scene! Probably not what you're expecting, but we'll see how it goes....

Notes:

EEeeeEEEe so i was not planning on doing this but oh well, Haley wanted to so i ahd to listen to her (yk how it is)

if ur reading this tysm!!!
i hope u enjoy <3

From Haley <3: Hey Alex, saw you yesterday at Sam ’s –  I was wondering what you were doing there?  

From Haley <3: Alex?  

From Haley <3: Alex, it’s been an hour?  

From Haley <3: I know you aren’t always the quickest to answer, but three hours?   

From Haley <3: Are you okay?  

From Haley <3: Alex, I’m worried. Please text me?   

From Haley <3: I can see you typing.  

  Alex deleted the letters he was writing, and felt the guilt rise in him. He hated himself for making Haley worried, yoba, he could see the look on her face as she sat in her room with her phone in her hand.  

  At one point she would have decided that enough was enough and march right over to Alex’s, fist pounding on his door until he opened it to a crushing hug and probably a slap across the face as well.  

  It broke his heart in about seven different places that she clearly didn’t feel able to do that anymore. He didn’t really know how or when it had happened, but him and Haley were gradually drifting apart. That ’ s a fucking lie, the voice in his head whispered. You ’ re the one pushing her out. Why? Because you know , deep down, you can never be good enough for her. That fucking voice. He hated it. Despised it. Loathed it. You ’ re pushing her out so she doesn ’ t get the chance to push you out. He hated it because while it was callous and hurtful and cruel, it was right and he hated that.  

  And then there was the question of what the hell Sebastian was.  

  How the fuck could he explain to Haley why he was at her neighbour’s when he didn’t even know himself? You do know, said the voice. You just won ’ t admit it to yourself. He sighed and threw the phone across his room in anger. It bounced off the wall with a satisfying thud and landed on the floor with a not-so-satisfying sound.   

  He sighed again and picked it up, almost throwing it again. He wanted to, but that seemed like something Ian would do.   

  Alex was not his father.  

  He looked at his phone – there it was, a crack in the centre of the screen, seperating the top half from the bottom. His messages now read like this:  

From Haley <3: I can see y... read more  

  And then a crack, and beneath it:  

From Just Seb: hey, so i w... read more  

  What a nice metaphor. Two halves of his conciousness, each populated by a different person. He knew that one was just a friend and the other was... decidedly not . He just didn’t know which one was which.  

  He shook his head at himself and pressed on the second contact down. The whole message read:  

From Just Seb: hey, so i was thinking about what we were talking about yesterday and im free tomorrow or monday if u want to come over?  

To Just Seb: tmw is good for me :)  

  Sebastian’s reply pinged through.  

From Just Seb: sure :))  

  He wiped the stupid grin off his face and opened Haley’s messages.  

To Haley <3: fuck haley im so sorry ill be over in like 2 mins  

 

  He knocked on the door and was confronted by the sight of Emily’s usually carefree expression looking significantly not carefree.  

  She looked ready to commit arson. “I don’t know what in Yoba’s name you’ve done to my sister, because she won’t tell me,” Emily began. “But if you don’t go in there right now and fix it then I will kill you, slowly and painfully, and I will make sure you’re buried in this town so that I can cover it in sugar and your afterlife form will be forever unhealthy while it shovels coal into the fires of Hell as a punishment for hurting my beautiful little sister.”  

  “Emily, I –” She cut him off with a wave of her hand, pushing him in the door with the other.  

  “I don’t want to hear it, Alexander.” The use of his full name made him bristle with annoyance. “Just go get back together so I can stop planning your funeral.”  

 He lifted his head from where he was staring forlornly at his shoes. “Emily, we’re not together,” he said in surprise.  

  “That’s the problem,” Emily rolled her eyes angrily.  

  “No, that’s not –” Alex laughed nervously and immediately cursed himself for it. “We never have been.”  

  But Emily had dramatically waltzed out the door while he’d been talking, and now that she wasn't bombarding him with death threats and incorrect assumptions, he could clearly hear the heart wrenching sound of Haley trying to hold back her sobs float through her bedroom door.  

  He felt the shame rise within him again, half-running, half-stumbling to fling open the door and pull her into a hug. “Haley,” he whispered into her hair. “It’s okay, we’ll be okay,” he reassured her. Well. Himself.  

  “It’s not okay, though, Alex,” She cried, looking at him with such sadness in her eyes that Alex wanted to cry too. Don ’ t be stupid. Not. Now. Boys don ’ t cry, Alex. You really should know that. “It can’t be,” she continued, quieter now, almost to herself.  

  And then she did something that really surprised him. She wiped away her tears, laughed wryly to herself, and then she  

  Leaned in  

  And kissed him.  

  It wasn’t bad , per se. Not that Alex had much experience with kisses in general, but he thought that as far as they went it was fine. Pleasant, even. He wasn’t quite sure what do with his hands. Or his lips. Or his eyes.  

  Haley’s were closed, so he figured that would be a wise move. He thought briefly that she tasted of ice-cream, and wondered why, given that it was freezing outside.  

  Vanilla. That was it. Not ice-cream. Vanilla and caramel, which was an odd combination, but it was sort of nice. It would make a nice cake, actually. He ignored the fact that it felt fundamentally wrong to kiss her and leaned into the side that felt vaguely nice, slowly opening his mouth and tangling his hands in her hair.  

   It felt curlier than he had expected, somehow. Longer, too. He was surprised by the way it wove in between his fingers rather than slipped straight out of his grasp. Strands of it tickled his neck, and suddenly, he was being strangled by it.  

  And when he realized that he realized that her nails were too long, that as they dug into his shoulders he was suffocating, that the caramel-vanilla taste of what must have been her lip-gloss was too strong and too sweet and too much , and it didn’t taste enough of cigarettes, and when he opened his eyes, he saw that hers were open as well, and the blue of them wasn’t grey enough, and her hair was definitely much too long, not nearly dark enough –  

  He pulled away, cursing. “Haley, I can’t do – that is, I don’t really feel like that about you.” That was true, he now realised. He didn’t, and he had been lying to himself the whole time when he thought he did. “I’m sorry.” And that was true as well. He was sorry, for her and himself, because it would be infinitely easier if he did. For both of them.  

  “Alex, don’t be sorry,” She laughed. “I don’t either.”  

  Now he was seriously confused. “What? But you just kissed me!”  

  She laughed again, and it was so happy that he smiled a bit himself. “Can I tell you something?” She asked.  

  “Of course,” He responded. “So long as you haven’t murdered anyone, because I wouldn’t be able to hide that,” He amended quickly.  

  She snorted. “Do you really think I could kill someone?” She raised her eyebrows when he nodded. “Alex, I... I figured it out just now,” She looked frightened suddenly, like she thought he would react badly to whatever she was going to say. Her arms curled around herself and she began to blush. “I don’t think I like boys,” The words came in a rush, and she looked shocked, like she couldn’t believe she’d said that out loud. “I... um... I think I prefer girls.”   

  Alex smiled. “Okay,” He told her. “You know I love you no matter what, right?” She made a face. “Not like that, obviously, but...”  

  She nodded and leaned in to hug him again. “Thank you,” She whispered.  

  “Does Emily know?” He asked.  

  “No, I wanted to wait to tell her,” Haley responded. “Not that she’d have an issue with it, given Sandy,”  

  Alex laughed in agreement. “Hey, thanks for telling me,” he said. “It really means a lot that you felt comfortable sharing.”  

  “Of course,” She smiled. “Now, want to watch a trashy chick-flick?”  

  “Well, duh !” He put on an exaggeratedly high voice, flicking imaginary hair over his shoulder. Haley erupted into giggles, and he knew in that moment that they would be okay, now and for the rest of his life.  

 

  When Emily came back that night after her shift at the bar and found Haley asleep on Alex’s lap in the living room, she grinned smugly and turned to face Alex with her hands on her hips.  

  “You listened to me,” She smiled.  

  “Yeah, we fixed it,” Alex returned.  

  “So, you’re finally dating, huh?”  

  Haley looked up sleepily from lying down. “No?” She answered.  

  “No, Emily,” Alex laughed.  

  “But you’re in love!” Emily protested.  

  “Haley,” Alex said between laughs. “I’m, uh, going to leave now,” She nodded at him, turning to Emily, and as Alex shut the door, he heard Emily squeal excitedly and knew she was hugging her sister at that moment.  

  He was so happy for her.  

  He hated himself for not being brave enough to tell her the truth.  

   Well, Alex, it ’ s good she likes girls, the voice laughed cruelly, Because you clearly don ’ t.  

  Yeah, he thought sadly. That about sums it up.  

Notes:

so yah.

um.

i hope you enjoyed!!

P.S. chapter title from death by a thousand cuts by THE taylor swift

Chapter 5: scares me to death, how i want it

Summary:

sebastian teaches alex keyboard. that is all.

Notes:

hahahahaha "updates once a week" i said. yeah noooo that did not go as planned because apparently past me forgot school was a thing.

but you might get another update soon because YAY! i have COVID!!! so no school ig.
anyway enjoy x

Alex was nervous as he walked up the path that led to the railroad gym. He had to say, it wasn’t a feeling he was accustomed to. Anxious, sure. Scared, definitely. Ian had made sure of that. 

   It turned out that nervousness was an altogether different creature – it had the same symptoms as anxiety; heart beating faster than was probably healthy, slight shortage of breath – the usual culprits. But there was something else there as well, under the utter panic, waiting patiently. It felt a little like hope. 

   It was nice, Alex thought. He could get used to being nervous, but more than that, he could get used to being hopeful. 

   Although he was following the path to the gym, there was no heavy bag of equipment in his hand – because he wasn’t going there today.  

   Alex had spent about an hour getting ready that morning, using pretty much an entire pot of hair gel, styling it differently to how he usually did before ending up hating it and washing it all out. He’d tried on three (and a half?) different outfits, eventually settling on the one he was wearing the day he first properly spoke to the boy whose house he was currently standing outside. 

   Haley would be laughing at him. “Oh my – just go in already, Alex,” she would sigh. Probably shove him in the door herself, actually. But Haley wasn’t here, she was at Heather’s again (which Alex had an opinion on, but every time he brought it up Haley would change the subject), and that meant he would somehow have to dredge up the courage to go in. 

   Before he could stop himself, he was standing in the entrance to Robin’s carpentry shop.  

   “Alex!” She called from the desk. It was more of a yell, really, which was absurd because Alex was standing right there. He didn’t say that, obviously, just smiled and gave her a one-handed-finger-wave.  

   “Hey,” He said. “Um.” He hadn’t ever really spoken to Robin before – she seemed nice and all, but he just didn’t have a reason to talk to her. “Is Sebastian home?” 

   “Yeah, he’s just in his room,” Robin leaned over her desk and pointed down the stairs before Alex. “Just go straight in, he’ll have headphones on so won’t hear you if you knock.” 

   Alex forced a smile through the butterflies in his stomach. Although, butterflies felt very cute and gentle. He felt more like he was being repeatedly punched in the gut. “Thanks,” he told her over his shoulder. She didn’t respond, already absorbed in the sketches on her desk. 

 

   Sebastian hadn’t looked up from his computer. Alex was stood in the entrance to his room – probably looking a little creepy if he was honest with himself – watching him type furiously and squint at his screen every now and again. As Robin predicted, Sebastian was wearing his headphones, probably turned up to full volume given that he hadn’t seemed to notice Alex repeatedly saying his name. To be fair, he wasn’t saying it very loud.  

    He figured he should go over there and tap him on the shoulder. Yeah. He should definitely do that. 

   Needless to say, he was still standing there like Edward-fucking-Cullen. Just... watching Sebastian. He probably shouldn’t be. He was sure his father would have something to say about it. Most likely something starting in F and ending in T.  

   Alex had heard the slur come out of Ian’s mouth enough times over the course of his life to know how his father felt about boys who liked boys. Honestly, Ian hated the entire queer community with a passion he clearly hadn’t felt for his wife. Hence why Alex didn’t believe in love – no matter how strong it was, his entire childhood had taught him that hate would always be stronger.  

   “Oh!” He was shocked out of his spiral by Sebastian’s voice. “Shit, I didn’t see you there,” Sebastian continued. 

   “Yeah, I was wearing my invisibility cap,” Alex replied. It was an awful joke, but the other boy laughed anyway. “So, um, is that your keyboard?” What a stupid question, of course it is.  

   “Nah, I stole it,” Sebastian responded deadpan. “Still wanna play?” 

    Alex nodded, giggling slightly at the joke. That was weird. He didn’t know if he’d ever giggled before. Like a lovestruck schoolgirl. He ignored the thought, pushing it to the back of his mind to deal with later. 

  “Okay, so you –” Sebastian looked over at Alex and sighed. “Look, you need to actually be standing behind the keyboard if you’re trying to play,” 

  “Oh, uh, yeah,” Alex choked out. How was he supposed to explain that he couldn’t stand behind the keyboard because Sebastian was standing there and moving even an inch closer would most likely cause him to spontaneously combust? Short answer: he couldn’t explain. So he didn’t. He just moved into place like he was told, and was rewarded by Sebastian leaning over him to point to a key in front of him. 

  “Now,” He said, and shit did he even know the effect this whole ordeal was having on Alex? It felt like his lungs had suddenly decided nope, breathing is too hard in the vicinity of this man, here’s my two weeks' notice – see you never. “This is C,” he continued, and Alex decided that, yes, Sebastian was clearly fucking oblivious as he pointed out the key to the left of the two that matched his nails – which, by the way, Alex noted were now slightly chipped. “And next to it, that’s D – y’know, like the alphabet – and E, F, and it ends at G before starting at A again.” 

  Alex pressed each key individually, repeating their names to himself. “Okay, so how do you read all the little dots on the lines?” 

  “You mean... sheet music?” 

  “Yeah, that,” Alex replied, a little embarrassed, but Sebastian just smiled. 

  “Well, what do you want to play?” He asked, and Alex was so busy not being distracted by the movement of his hair over his eyes and that fucking half-smile that he forgot how to talk for a second. 

  “Um, something by Taylor Swift? I don’t know, really,” he managed to say after about five seconds. Was that a long time to not-stare at someone? Alex really had no idea. It was probably normal, right? 

  “Taylor fan, huh?” Sebastian muttered, eyebrows raised as he pulled something up on his phone and placed it on the keyboard in front of them. 

  “Um, yeah?” Alex was well aware that having Taylor Swift as his most-listened-to-artist on Spotify every year without fail was a bit odd, especially given the fact that he was literally the walking stereotype of a sports jock.  

  “Cool. So, this is State of Grace – you  know that one?” Alex nodded in response. He seemed to be doing a lot of nodding lately. “Right. To read the dots,” at that Sebastian broke into a grin that was gone the second it had appeared. “You have to count from the bottom up, like this... so this one means E, and if you see that, you press the corresponding key...” 

  Alex nodded along (again with the nodding?), and when it was his turn, he tried to play the first line – very badly – and, looking up once he finished, he noticed the other boy had an odd expression on his face – almost like he was blushing. But then  
Alex blinked and Sebastian was just shaking his head slightly (at himself or at Alex?) and smiling.  

  “That was good,” he said from his spot on the bed. “Now try that and the next line.”  

  So Alex did. And when, after what felt like hours of trying – and failing – Sebastian stood up and gently nudged Alex out the way to play it himself. Alex stood there awkwardly, wondering if it would be weird to sit on the floor, before deciding screw it and folding his legs under himself as he watched Sebastian’s fingers move across the keys. It was mesmerizing, and he didn’t know how long he stayed there. 

  It was long enough for the song Sebastian was playing to slowly evolve from Taylor Swift’s happy songs to Illicit Affairs to something that sounded like Heather, and that made Alex wonder how the actual Heather was, and if Haley had gotten up the courage to just ask her out already. He made a mental note to ask her when he got home. 

  It was long enough for Alex to decide that sitting was too much work, and instead lay on his back and stare at the ceiling – it was in reality a different colour from the picture Sebastian had sent him, although to be honest, Alex had been more focused on the three pixels in the corner of the photo that might have been Sebastian’s face than the actual ceiling.  

  It was long enough for him to be gently shaken awake by a boy who was clearly trying incredibly hard not to laugh. He was mostly failing. 

  “You need to go home, Alex,” Sebastian shook his head. “You need to sleep in an actual bed.” Alex looked up sleepily. “Oh my – come on. I’ll walk you home.”  

  As he was pulled up, Alex vaguely thought about how that was twice now that he’d been helped off the floor by Sebastian. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been in that situation, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s funny that it happened twice, right?  

   

  True to his word, Sebastian did in fact walk Alex home, and while neither of them said much – Alex on account of being half-asleep, Sebastian on account of being Sebastian – it was nice.  

  “Well, this is my house,” Alex said when they got to the house that was in fact his house. “Um. Thanks. For today. I had fun.” 

  “Alex, you fell asleep on the floor of my bedroom. If that constitutes fun for you, I’m slightly concerned.” Alex almost took offence at that, but then his sleep-addled brain caught up to him and he realized Sebastian was joking. “But yeah, I had fun too.” 

  “Okay.” 

  “Yeah,” Sebastian agreed, and, waving, he turned to go home. 

  Alex watched him leave, and as he walked through the door into the kitchen, he sent Haley a text. 

To Haley <3: hey so i think i have a crush 

Notes:

so honestly idrk how keyboards work - i, like alex, do not have the patience to commit to learning an instrument, so. i got everything in this ch from google (google is a writers best friend fr) so yeah apologies to anyone who does play an instument and notices anything wrong with this.

p.s. YES i am aware that in the actual game the keyboard lives in sams room but that just doesnt work for me so i changed it DEAL WITH IT.
p.p.s. ch title from nauseous by conan gray. i legitimately haven't stopped listening to wishbone since it came out, its just so freakin amazing. im sorry. ill shut up now.