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It’s so easy, Buck thinks, falling in love with Eddie.
It doesn’t come easy, recognising that he is falling in love with Eddie, though. No, it takes almost eight years, countless near death experiences, and a hell of a lot of pain, before he realises he’s been falling the entire time.
That’s why he thinks it’s so fucking easy. He hadn’t even noticed that he had always been Eddie’s. But now he had, it didn’t really change anything. It honestly just made him fall that much deeper.
He’s sitting in the truck, coming back from a quick medical call, zoning out while everyone else cracks jokes between themselves. He’s staring out the window, watching as they drive through the neighbourhood back to the station. He’s waiting to call Eddie back, having had to cut their call off earlier when the alarm went.
Buck had hung up the phone, sliding it into his back pocket, and jumped in the truck when the realisation first hit. That feeling of warmth every time he saw Eddie smile on the other side of the screen, the familiarity of his voice when he spoke as if nothing had changed, the heartbreak of being so far apart when they shouldn’t be, it all meant something more than he had thought before. It was so much more raw than he had thought.
He’d been in love with Eddie since the beginning. That very first shift, where Buck had felt so threatened and out of place. The shift where they promised to have each other’s backs. That was the beginning of it all. The seeing Eddie and Christopher together for the first time after the earthquake. The first time Buck had been invited for dinner, ending up cooking for them when Eddie burnt the first batch because he had been distracted watching Buck interact with his son as if they had known each other their entire lives. It had started then, snowballing each and every day since.
It was so obvious, now everything had clicked for Buck. He had always loved Eddie. He had always been there, had his back, like he had promised. He had stayed, had been asked to stay. They had become a singular unit.
Their codependency had always been a running joke between the 118 and their extended family. They were always BuckAndEddie, never just Buck or Eddie. Where one went, the other was following close behind. Buck had found it normal, not understanding why everyone made it into such a big deal.
He understood now. Silently, he had loved Eddie from afar and up close. He had been there for him when things got hard, worked hard to support him in his decisions, stayed close when Eddie was too afraid to ask. Silently, he had let himself fall into a routine, a family, that he loved.
It made sense now, why Eddie leaving for Texas had felt like a part of his heart had been ripped out of his chest. It was because his heart had been taken from him. He had unknowingly given his everything to Eddie, and had just watched him disappear with it.
Falling in love with Eddie had been too easy. Everything Eddie had done had pushed Buck deeper and deeper. His stupid smile whenever Buck handed him a coffee at the beginning of their shift, his messy hair when he jumped out of his bunk when a late night alarm went off, his arm thrown over Buck’s shoulder after a difficult rescue, it all had locked him in.
Buck knew he had been obvious with his infatuation with Eddie over the years too. The nights he spent at the Diaz household, crumbling the second Eddie offered him the couch. The late night calls when either Chris or Eddie had a nightmare and needed to hear Buck’s voice to prove he was okay. The gifts, small trinkets that reminded him of Eddie, or mundane things like groceries when he knew stock was running low.
He knew Eddie, as well. Knew him better than Buck knew himself. He knew that Eddie knitted his eyebrows and scrunched his eyes when he was keeping his emotions at bay, knew that he cracked his joints when stressed, knew that he needed to go on a run every morning or he would be in a weird mood that day, knew that he hated oranges but loved orange juice, knew that Chris was his everything in life.
He knows Eddie so deeply, so intricately, and he aches with his absence. Eddie is supposed to be there, opposite him in the truck as they near the end of their shift. He’s meant to be going home with him, waiting for Chris to come home from school so they can all sit down and work on his homework before congregating in the kitchen while Buck makes them all dinner. He’s supposed to be staring at Buck, silently asking if he’s okay, because the last call involved a kid and no matter the outcome, it shakes Buck in ways only Eddie is privy to.
He aches, knowing that he’s going back to the house that had once been a home for all three of them. He hurts, knowing that Eddie is near 800 miles away feeling more fulfilled than he had for months, now he was back with Chris. He burns, wanting to feel Eddie’s knee knock against his again, his head on his shoulder while they await the next call, his hand in his hair as he dozes off after their shift.
He’s been in love with Eddie for so long, that the realisation means so much yet changes so little. He realises that the reason his relationships have failed as they became more serious, is that they weren’t the person Buck had unconsciously been waiting for. The reason the days he spent alone at the loft felt so long, was because time spent with Eddie was so fulfilling and was meant to be forever. The reason Buck had crumbled when Eddie told him he was going to El Paso was because he unknowingly was losing the person he belonged to.
But nothing was changing. Buck was still going to be there, as much as he could be, for both Eddie and Chris. Eddie was still his best friend, his emergency contact, his partner. The sun was still going to rise and fall, the earth was still going to spin, life was going to continue as it was. Eddie was still in Texas, Buck was still with the 118, nothing had changed.
“Buckaroo? You okay?” Hen’s voice was soft, thinly veiled concern laced her words as she watched him stare at nothing.
“Hm?” He blinked back from his thoughts, realising that they were back at the firehouse, and by the lack of everyone else, they had been for a few minutes. “Oh. I zoned out, sorry Hen.”
She gave him a soft look, tilting her head to the loft. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Buck shrugged, pushing himself out of the truck. It was a rehearsed motion, something he had done thousands of times, but this time he felt heavier.
He needed to call Eddie, pick up where he had left off his explanation about otters and their hand-holding habits. He needed to let himself think about what this meant to him. He needed to tell Maddie, apologise for how dismissive he had been and tell her that she was right all those years ago and recently too. He needed to figure out how he was going to pretend that this life changing realisation hadn’t actually happened.
“Buck?”
He had stopped, staring at the locker that used to be Eddie’s, waiting for his return. The locker he used to steal hoodies from when it was cold, and leave sticky notes reminding Eddie of appointments or shopping lists. He was realising how cold it felt, how empty he felt now he hadn’t done either of those things in weeks.
“Oh.”
He didn’t even mean to say it, especially not with the way his voice cracked and eyes teared up. He didn’t mean for the memories of the last eight years to come flooding in, the ghost of small touches and soft words and sunshine laughter. He definitely did not mean to turn to Hen and fall apart, as if a small breeze had knocked him down like a vase on a ledge.
“Oh, Buckaroo.” Hen said sadly, wrapping him in her arms immediately. They had been here before, after rough calls and long days, after accidents involving one of their own, after the first shift without Eddie, even.
She waited patiently, let Buck pull away first. He was immensely grateful, giving her a small smile when he could finally breathe a bit easier. He didn’t look over at the locker room again, instead he wiped his tears and headed up the stairs to the kitchen. Hen followed, and glared at Chimney before he could ask why they had taken so long to join them for lunch.
Buck apologised quietly for making them all wait, being waved off by Bobby. He let himself get absorbed into the conversation at the table, laughing at Ravi when he spilled his drink, rolling his eyes when Chim joked about the chilli being only ‘acceptable’ since Buck had been the one to make it before the call and not the captain. It felt almost normal, enough for him to put aside his thoughts of Eddie for a few minutes.
After doing the washing up with Bobby, Buck sat next to Hen where she was reading the same book as the previous shift. She didn’t say anything, just moved slightly so he could throw his feet onto her lap as he scrolled on his phone. There were six messages from Eddie, and one from Chris. It made his heart jump.
Eds
Stay safe, Buck!
Call me back after you finish up with that call.
Hen said you’re being weird, is everything okay?
She said she’s worried about you, now I’m worried.
You okay, Buck?
Call me.
Superman
do u know why dad’s asking me to tell you to call him?
Buck looked over at Hen, kicking her lightly. “What did you tell Eddie?”
“Well you were silent on the way back to I told him you were being weird. Then you had a breakdown so I told him he should talk to you. Why?” she said, not looking up from her book.
“Apparently he’s worried and even Chris messaged me. He only does that when he’s really worried about something.” Buck sighed, rubbing at his forehead tiredly.
“Why don’t you call him? Weren’t you guys on call before the alarm?” she suggested.
“I can’t, Hen.” Buck sighed.
At that, she looked up and frowned. “Why not?” Buck just shook his head and threw his arm over his eyes. “Buck? Why can’t you call Eddie?”
“I can’t lie to him, you know.” He mumbled. It was true. Eddie always knew when he was lying, or keeping a secret. He had never been good with hiding things from Eddie. Not emotions or surprises or secrets.
“Lie to him about what?”
“About how in love with him I am.” The words slipped out of him before he could stop them. He immediately tensed, holding his breath. For a split second, it was like everything had stopped. Speaking the words into existence made it that much more real. That much more painful.
“Holy shit.” Chimney’s shock made Buck jump.
He had forgotten that it wasn’t just him and Hen there. Ravi and Chim were on the other couch, playing MarioKart together. Bobby was nearby, holding a mug of tea. Ramos and West were at the table, talking about their plans for the end of shift. For a split second, they all went silent, not moving an inch until Chimney’s outburst.
“Oh my god, it’s happening.” Hen whispered to herself. To Buck, she said, “You should call him anyway.”
“Hen-” he complained.
“No, Buck. Call him.”
“Wait, no. Are we not going to talk about this?” Chim protested. “This is major!”
“Shut up, Chimney.” Hen said. “Buck, seriously, go and finish your call from earlier.”
Buck shook his head. “I’d rather call him at the end of shift.”
“Buck,” Bobby chimed in. “I think you’ll do the both of you a disservice if you wait any longer. Go and call Eddie.”
Buck sighed and pushed away from the couch. His phone felt heavy where it was in his pocket, and his heart was racing. He knew that this wasn’t anything new. Hell, it was one of the only things in his life that had ever been a constant. Eddie. His love for Eddie. It had been there since the start, he just hadn’t realised it.
Walking down the stairs and towards the bunk room didn’t feel as heavy as he thought it would. He was anxious, but he wasn’t worried. Because he knew Eddie. He knew him better than he knew himself. He knew that no matter what, he would still be in love with Eddie Diaz, and Eddie Diaz would still have his back.
He entered the bunk room and collapsed on the bed in the back corner. He had claimed it during his probie year, preferring to be out of the way but able to observe. He gave himself a moment of simple breathing, inhaling and exhaling at a steady pace. He stared up at the ceiling, ignoring the fact that only a few months ago, Eddie had been in the bed to his side, sleeping soundlessly.
Before he could convince himself to back out, he unlocked his phone, clicked on Eddie’s contact, and waited for the facetime to connect. Because he knew it would. He knew that Eddie was at home, waiting for him to call back. Even if Hen hadn’t messaged him, he would still be at home, awaiting the moment they could continue their conversation and acting as if nothing had changed between them.
It took only to the fourth ring before Eddie’s blurry face took up the entirety of the phone screen. His hair was wet, meaning he had showered while they had been out on the call. He was wearing an old LAFD shirt, one that Buck knew to be the one that mysteriously went missing from his laundry basket the same month Chris had gone to Texas. His eyebrows were furrowed, meaning he was worried. Despite himself, Buck smiled. A true, honest smile.
“Buck!” Eddie said, the door to his room clicking shut behind him. “You okay?”
“I’m good, Eds. How are you?” Buck said, turning onto his side and propping the phone against the wall.
“C’mon Buck, what’s going on with you. Why did Hen say something was up? And Cap messaged me a few minutes ago, telling me that you’ve been quiet. You’re never quiet.” Eddie said.
He sounded so genuine, so concerned, as if Buck’s wellbeing mattered to him at the same level as someone like Chris, or Pepa. Buck let out a soft sigh, feeling his heart squeeze. He loved Eddie Diaz, and it was just so easy to.
“I miss you.”
He hadn’t said it yet. Not to Eddie’s face. Never to Eddie. He promised to himself that he would left Eddie do this. He wouldn’t be overbearing. He wouldn’t overstep. He would let Eddie do what he needed, without Buck making it about himself. He had promised that he would be there for Eddie and for Chris, and not make it harder for them.
Eddie’s face softened, and he looked down. “I miss you too.”
Buck felt himself cracking at the words. His body ached to be back with Eddie. He couldn’t stand the feeling of missing his presence, by his side and in his life, he didn’t like feeling so off kielter, he hated knowing that this was reality.
“I just- I see your ghost everywhere. Your empty locker, even though it has your name on it. The space next to my toothbrush where yours is meant to be. The rug by the door where your shoes were meant to stay but you would never put there. The seat in the truck opposite mine, that Ravi sits in now. The coffee mug in the kitchen that you hated anyone else on shift using but would never complain about.” Buck rambled.
He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes. “You’re in my head, telling me something I’ve done is reckless, or that you’re proud that I managed to sleep at my own place for the first time in weeks. You’re on the phone, having the conversations we used to have while we cleaned the windows or washed the truck or waited to pick up Chris from school. You’re everywhere but not where I want you to be.”
“Buck-”
“I know, Eddie.” Buck sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. I know you have bigger things to think about, to worry about. You have Chris, and the house, and your parents, and work. You don’t need me to remind you of the things you already know you left behind.”
“Buck.” Eddie said softly, but firmly. “I miss you too. I miss being there on calls, making sure you’re not about to do something stupidly dangerous. I miss sitting in the kitchen while you infodump about whatever rabbit hole you had gone down the night before. I miss seeing you everyday.”
He wasn’t proud of it. He was actually incredibly embarrassed by what happened next. Buck tried to breathe in, the air catching at his throat, and he dissolved into the tears he had been trying so hard to keep under wraps for weeks.
“I want you to come home.”
Something shifted. Eddie’s breath hitched, barely noticed through the speakers. The firehouse seemed to go silent, the world seemed to lag for a second. Everything felt like it fell into place.
“I want you to come home, to me.”
“Oh, Buck.” Eddie breathed. “What happened?”
He was asking the question as if it weren't truly a question. As if he knew the answer. As if he knew that this was just something Buck had been hiding. As if he knew that the only thing that had happened was Buck had finally accepted that he couldn’t hide away from Eddie anymore. And Buck knew that Eddie probably did know it all. Because Eddie knew him.
“You weren’t there to ask if I was okay.” Buck whispered, feeling stupid for being so emotional over something so simple. “A kid Chris’ age broke his leg climbing with his friends. He was fine. But you weren’t there in the truck. Then your locker was empty. Then you weren’t there on the couch after, either. You weren’t there. You aren’t here.”
“I want to be there.” Eddie said softly, his own voice betraying him slightly. He sounded hurt, worried, sad. When Buck blinked his eyes open, he saw how destroyed Eddie looked. It was the worst he had looked since he had moved, the exhaustion true on his face.
“I know.” Buck said, closing his eyes again. “And I know you can’t be.”
“What if I could?” Eddie asked, chewing at his lip.
“Eds, what-”
“Chris wants to come home. To LA. To you.”
The final piece of the puzzle clicked into place. For the first time, Buck felt complete. Falling in love with Eddie Diaz had been so easy, and loving him was worth everything.
“Come home.”
“We’ll be there for when you finish your shift.” Eddie replied easily. Because he knew Buck was on a 48. Because he had learned Buck’s schedule for the month. Because he wanted to know what days he could call and they could be alone and just talk.
The next words force themselves out of Buck’s mouth, without a single care. “I love you.”
Eddie smiled, cocking his head slightly to the side, eyes crinkling, just like he does whenever Buck tries telling him something he already knows. “I love you too, Buck. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The call ends, and the screen goes black. It’s silent, and the only thing Buck can hear is Eddie’s words on repeat. He’s coming home tomorrow. Chris is coming home tomorrow. Eddie loves him. Eddie, the man Buck is in love with, loves him back. And he’s coming back home.
Buck thinks this is why it has been so fucking easy. Eddie Diaz has loved Buck since the start, too. They have learned to love each other. They have fallen for each other over and over and over again, waiting for a time where it felt right. Eddie Diaz has found it so easy to fall in love with Evan Buckley, and Buck loves him impossibly more for it.