a forest fire

by cafedanslanuit

Summary:

Sae’s scent is different. Whenever he’s close enough for Kaiser to notice, the only thing he can think of is the sea. Sae’s cologne smells like the sea, like a walk around the shore with the feeling of the sun softly your shoulders and the increasing heat on your cheeks. Kaiser is not particularly fond of the beach, but ever since the other man started spending several nights at his place, he’s wondered what it would be like to feel sand under his toes.

The first thing Kaiser notices when he opens his eyes, is Sae’s cologne.

It has a fairly distinctive smell compared to his. The one he uses is very masculine, strong, wood… something. He’s pretty sure the package said something about wood. He thinks it’s Hugo Boss, or Calvin Klein, or whatever brand sent him a bottle as a gift and he liked it enough to stick with it. He’s gotten compliments over it and it doesn’t make him sneeze, so it’s good enough in his book.

However, Sae’s is different. Whenever he’s close enough for Kaiser to notice, the only thing he can think of is the sea. Sae’s cologne smells like the sea, like a walk around the shore with the feeling of the sun softly your shoulders and the increasing heat on your cheeks. Kaiser is not particularly fond of the beach, but ever since the other man started spending several nights at his place, he’s wondered what it would be like to feel sand under his toes.

Turning on his side, the smell comes at him in a stronger wave, even if the other side of the bed is empty. He doesn’t react to this, knowing the other man should be around somewhere, given his shirt and pants are still on the floor from last night. This is both a common and a new experience for him. It’s not the first time he’s taken someone home and tossed their clothes on his bedroom floor as he undressed them, but it’s only with Sae he still sees them in the morning.

He doesn’t mean to play victim. It’s not that anyone hasn’t been willing to stay, he can notice in the way they linger close to his body during the aftershocks, or the way their half-lidded eyes look at him with their pupils enlarged and a soft smile on their lips. Of course he can tell. He acts quick, though, telling them the doorman will call a taxi for them whenever they’re finished dressing up. This is enough for them to leave, each at their own level of disappointment, leaving Kaiser to finally close his eyes as soon as he hears the door locking behind them.

He turns on the bed again, this time looking at the ceiling, Sae’s cologne reacting to his movement one more time. How long has it been since this has started, anyway? How many months before it transformed into the smell of sea in his sheets and the sound of his coffee machine turning on in the distance? He can’t quite remember, but he’s sure it’s been more than a year since the first time they hooked up, and if he remembers correctly, it had been at Sae’s place and not his. While he didn’t get the ‘taxi’ treatment from him, he knew his place and left as soon as they had finished. 

Should he even care about the timetable? Maybe. All he knows is that the first time Sae visited his penthouse, he wasn’t offered a taxi. And, in response, he didn’t make a move to leave once they were done. Quite the opposite, Sae asked him something that stopped him on his tracks, making him scrunch his eyebrows in both confusion and disbelief. If Sae noticed it, he said nothing, just waited for his response, not a hint of a feeling or a wandering thought in his aquamarine eyes.

After a long pause, Kaiser answered.

“I could eat.”

“Yeah, me too. What is good around here?”

Still dumbfounded but trying his best not to let it show, Kaiser spent the next minutes looking over Sae’s phone as he browsed his food delivery app, pointing out which places were gross and which were a good option. They finally chose a new Japanese restaurant nearby, that even though it was just starting, it already had pretty good ratings. Sae suggested a soup Kaiser had never even heard of before, but he assured him it would fit his taste. ‘How could he even know his taste?’ he wondered, but nodded begrudgingly, feigning nonchalance at Sae’s choice.

Sooner than he’d thought, he found himself sitting at the table, his tongue stinging as he drank the soup as if he hadn’t eaten all day. He wasn’t big on Asian food in general, but fuck if this tan tan veggie tempura ramen was his new favourite thing to eat. It was spicy, but not too much, the veggies were fried, but didn’t reek of oil. Holy fuck. It was so good he didn’t have time to wonder if he looked stupid using a fork to pick up the veggies and a spoon to drink the soup. That was the best thing he had ever eaten.

Kaiser doesn’t remember Sae’s order, but he does remember watching him use chopsticks as he ate in silence, much more slowly than he had. He didn’t force light conversation, but there was a hint of a smirk on his lips, knowing he had made a nice suggestion of food. Kaiser decided he would never let him have it, and also made the choice not to compliment his suggestion in front of him, even though he would be having another bowl the next night he was by himself at home.

They washed up in silence too, and without the awkward dance and lingering most people would’ve done by that moment, Sae let himself back into the bedroom and snuggled into the sheets, curling up on his side, so he was facing away from the bed. Kaiser followed him shortly after, cautionary steps as his surroundings felt both known and dangerous. He sat on top of his sheets for a few seconds, trying to collect himself, and it would’ve been longer if the thought that Sae would notice hadn’t troubled him. Soon, he laid on his back, his body warmer thanks to the food and the body next to him.

The next day followed as many other would in the future. In fact, just the way it was happening now; the coffee machine, his perfume, his clothes on the floor. Sae would still come over, they would still fuck, eat, and stay until the next day. Maybe, here and there they would talk a bit more, kiss a little longer or banter a tad more, but those were details. Sometimes they would also eat other something other than Japanese, and that didn’t hold any meaning, he tells himself. The details weren’t important.

And yet.

There’s a man in his kitchen, softly humming and, by the sound of it, opening and closing his cabinets, looking for something. Maybe it’s alright to wonder what kind of situation he has walked himself into. More than that, is this --whatever this is-- something he wants for himself? Can he even let himself want it? Is he terribly misreading the way Sae’s lips grazed his shoulder blades late into the night, a long time after they had both achieved release? Does he want to misread it? Is he looking too deep into it?

“Hey.”

Sae’s voice is so soft it wouldn’t have woken him up if he had been asleep. Kaiser’s eyes turn to the door, even if it’s halfway closed and he can’t see the other side. The coffee machine keeps on working in the background, but the apartment is silent enough for Sae’s phone conversation to be heard clearly.

It’s not the first time he’s been there when Sae takes a phone call. Although, the only other time it had happened he had found himself snickering at the unamused replies Sae gave his little brother, who seemed comically irritated given by how loud he was being, his voice banging against the walls of his apartment even if he wasn’t on speaker.

This is different, he can tell. His voice is warmer, softer. Makes him remember some early morning conversations they’ve had together.

"Yeah, mom, I did get your package. Thanks for the tea."

Well, he hasn’t heard that word in a while.

There’s this thing that happens to a specific group of football players that have three common characteristics. If they grew up poor, were abandoned by one parent and, due to their talent, eventually become successful and rich, ten times out of ten, the parent will reappear in local news. They have a prepared set of excuses on why they couldn’t be present, show good-enough-for-tv remorse, and ask for a second chance. When asked by the reporters, they swear that money doesn’t have anything to do with their decision to make amends, hoping someone will believe them.

Kaiser would never admit it to anyone, but he always kind of expected his mother to do the same. That she would put to good use her vast training as an actress and shed a couple of crocodile tears on a gossip tv show. She would say how sorry she is, use feminism to excuse herself from the way she left, and put all the blame on Kaiser’s father. She would say she did it to survive, and prayed every night for his son’s safety, and now that she sees him in billboards across Berlin, she can’t help but hope he’ll take her back.

And then, he’ll finally have his revenge. She’ll want him back, whether it be for his money or actual motherly love, but she’ll want him. And this time, he will say no. He will get the last laugh when the reporters eventually find him, probably after a game, and he’ll pretend he hasn’t seen the news, lie that there are not bad feelings between them anymore but that he doesn’t need her in his life anymore. That he wishes them the best with her future endeavours and that he’ll always keep her in his thoughts.

She never reached out, though. Not to him or to the local news, or even a lousy podcast show. By the time his father went to register his birth, she had already left, so there wasn’t even a paper trace that could link him to her. The few articles that tried to delve into his past were quickly buried by his manager, and whenever he was interviewed by the press, he made sure to divert any question about his childhood.

He doesn’t think he’s even said the word that falls so easily from Sae’s lips in the last twenty years.

Speaking of, how many times exactly has Sae already stayed over this week?

There was the time after the charity event, the semi-booty call that happened after one particular frustrating headache, the time they couldn't decide what to watch on Netflix and decided they would let a coin flip decide... It was Saturday. Or Sunday. He isn’t quite sure, but another question is more poignant: when was the last time Sae had actually slept at his own place?

"Ah, I'm not sure when I'll be back, mom. You know I'm always around, though."

Yes, always around, always around an apartment that wasn’t his, Kaiser thinks. What was he even doing wasting his time like this? If he had to be honest with himself, Sae wasn’t even the best fuck he had ever had. Not even close. He had never taken the time to make a proper list, but off the top of his head, he can remember a trip to Brazil for the FIFA Club World Cup where, after a couple of drinks and the high of winning the title, he found himself getting ridden to death by a gorgeous woman who moaned in Portuguese. She kept grinding her hips against his way after he had already come, and when he grabbed a fistful of his curly hair to force her to face him, the look on her dark eyes, cloudy with pleasure, paired with her parted lips, almost made him come again. He’s pretty sure he passed out not long after that. Most importantly, when he regained his senses again, she was long gone.

Now, that was a good experience. Not Sae and his barely above average handjobs.

Kaiser passes a hand across his face, exasperated. Why is he even getting involved in this? Surely there’s better ways to spend his time than thinking about all this shit. He could be at the gym. He could be watching past games, get ready for his next tournament, just like he would usually do on a day like this. Hell, he could even be at the sauna, even that would be more productive than the doomed narrative he had managed to get himself into.

It would never work. How could it, when the fucker’s getting tea from his mother, while he’s dreamt about choking his? Worst of all, is that he’s sure Sae thinks he’s getting somewhere. Of course he is. He could bet good money on it. That asshole must feel proud, as if he’s unlocked some sort of achievement when Kaiser hums into his neck as the other man’s fingers softly trace the back and the inside of his thighs, long after they’re done fucking. Oh, how that little fucker must rejoice at the fact Kaiser doesn’t tell him to fuck off when he pushes away some strands of blue hair away from his face, still drowsy and tired, before he kisses him in the morning. Does he think that accounts for something? Hysterical. If he does, then he’s truly stupider than he looks.

Sae has never seen the true Kaiser, and if he ever did, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Kaiser grabbed his phone from the nightstand and started scrolling down his notifications. He ignores all of them, none doing their job of catching his attention. If he wants to hit the gym, he’d rather do it in the private space he has at his apartment, he thinks. He’s not so sure about the sauna, though. Maybe his building has one? He’s paying quite a fortune for it anyway. If not, he guesses he could consider renting somewhere else. He’s getting quite tired of it anyway.

He types these inquires to his manager, and then hits him with several question marks to make sure the repetitive notifications grant him a sooner answer. He smirks when it does, and three grey dots quickly turn into confirmation that yes, the building does have a sauna for the penthouses and he can use it with no problem. Before he can ask if he can book them for a period of time so he makes sure no one else is in the premises, the door opens again, revealing a shirtless Sae wearing Bastard München joggers and a coffee cup in hand.

Sea breeze and freshly-ground coffee make Kaiser sick.

“Talked to the doorman, he’ll call you a taxi.”

Notes:

And I've been a forest fire
I am a forest fire
And I am the fire and I am the forest
And I am the witness watching it

-A Burning Hill, Mitski

Hi! Some words because I have a lot of love for this fic. For starters, I usually spend a couple of days writing a piece, however this was born during a long stay at my local coffee shop, not being able to stop. I edited a couple of hours later when I came home, and here it is. The idea had been in my mind before, though. I was thinking about how, when you go through certain experiences, especially as a child, it becomes difficult to relate to other people. This becomes a problem when you have a partner that has had a good childhood. On one hand, yay! They didn't go through a fuck load of pain! They're stable and good company! But also... there are things they'll never quite understand, right?

There's this special kind of sadness that recognises itself in other people. You may not have gone through the same trauma as your friends, but a part of you does understand it. The pain. It may have come differently to you and you might have reacted differently as well, but pain, through its several different mutations, recognises itself in different people. And, if you think about it, that can be beautiful.

Kaiser is one of my favourite characters as of now and, thinking about what I just mentioned, I realized he might feel that way if he ever found himself in a good relationship or even in something that feels like it could be good. He doesn't feel like he deserves it, he decides to sabotage himself, and he isn't even aware he is sabotaging himself. Once he realizes the difference in upbringing between them, he closes off, becoming more and more aggressive as his throughs progress.

I do want to take this opportunity to say this doesn't mean that you can't love or be completely loved by someone who hasn't gone through the same trauma (or any trauma). If anything, what Kaiser does is... well, wrong, lmao. Someone may not completely understand what you've been through or how your head feels, but love is the thing that will make them stay by your side and ask what do you need in that moment. As I said in a previous work (Save your love), your partner o friend's responsibility isn't to fix you, but rather to hold your hand while you try to figure it out yourself. You don't need to do it alone.

Oh, I'm also quite proud of this because my fics are usually very dialogue-heavy, and I really love that, but I wanted to try something different with this one. I hope you liked it!!! Let me know your thoughts, I love reading them! c:

Also I wrote this during PMS if that explains it any further.