Chapter Text
Edward Elric found himself pretending far more than he'd anticipated on his first day teaching. Students in his homeroom came up to him and asked where their first period classrooms were, and he pretended to know, while in reality, he barely knew where the bathroom was (and ended up holding his pee for way longer than he should have). He pretended to know when to sit and when to stand for the prayers that were incorporated into the morning and afternoon announcements, and he pretended not to feel too butt-hurt when he had to repeat for the hundredth time, ‘No, I’m not twelve. I’m twenty-two. I pay taxes.”
Despite being grown, Edward found he wasn't immune to the first-day-of-school jitters. Nerves led him to bite the fingernails on his left hand down to stubs, and if he had fingernails on the right one, he surely would have done the same. But after the Khaki and Plaid Brigade was dismissed for the day, and Edward finally sank into the chair behind his desk, he was overcome with relief and exhaustion, yes, but also with a great sense of self-satisfaction.
While he reviewed his lesson plans for the second day, the hallways became ever more quiet, save for the distant click of a fellow teacher’s high heels against the tile floors, and the plastic rustle of trash bags as a janitor made his rounds cleaning out the waste bins.
About two hours later, Edward shut his laptop and packed up his things, slinging his messenger bag over one shoulder as he stood to his feet. Habitually, he patted his pant pockets, checking that everything was there, only to freeze upon realizing that something most certainly wasn’t. In a state of shock and disbelief, he patted his empty pockets again while swiveling his head left, right, down, and then up, as if the missing object had floated off to the heaven he didn’t believe existed. His messenger bag was swiftly turned inside out, and desk drawers were flung open. Of course, it was while in this state of disarray that he heard a polite knock of knuckles against the open classroom door.
Knock-knock-knock!
Edward somewhat recognized the untimely visitor (although he did wonder how long he’d been standing there).
During the school assembly that morning, Edward had seen the man go up on stage to introduce himself and briefly promote the chess club, of which he was an advisor. Edward snuck out of his classroom during lunch to microwave a sad cup of ramen in the teacher’s lounge, and on the way, he caught sight of him again, chatting with Sister Hawkeye by the stairwell.
Mid-thirties, with a shock of jet-black hair, Roy Mustang looked young enough to make both teenage girls and their teachers giggle amongst themselves when he passed by them in the hallway. With black shoes, black pants, and a black long-sleeve dress shirt, his so-called ‘uniform’ was not intended to draw the eye, but it did, and a plain black belt sat just so at his hips, highlighting a notably trim figure.
Edward was relieved that his heathen ass was not required to attend confession. While he was strong, he didn’t believe himself strong enough to survive the awkwardness of confessing to checking out a priest to the priest he had been checking out.
“You’re ‘Ed’, isn’t that right?” Roy said questioningly, a white Roman collar moving slightly against his neck as he spoke. A teasing smile touched his lips as he casually crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned a shoulder against the doorframe. “You aren’t staying late grading papers, are you? We wouldn’t want to work the kids too hard on their first day…”
Subconsciously holding his prosthetic arm behind his back, Edward awkwardly sprang to attention. “Oh, n-no, Father!” he blurted out, “I just, uh, I… I just lost my keys somewhere.”
The chaplain’s smile fell with seemingly genuine concern. “Well that isn’t good… You know, I could check the lost and found for you,” he offered. “Should I be looking for something in particular?”
Edward felt his cheeks grow warm. He rushed his way through the embarrassing detail. “They’ve got a uhhhh… Hello-Kitty-keychain-on-it! But I’m pretty sure it’s just hiding around here somewhere,” he muttered, closing the bottom desk drawer with his foot.
To his surprise, Roy didn’t bat an eyelash at the keychain part. Instead, he asked a question.
“Have you tried praying to Saint Anthony?”
Edward’s eyes narrowed with confusion. “Huh?”
Realizing that explanation was necessary, Roy offered Edward an apologetic smile. He wandered into the empty classroom. “You pray to Saint Anthony of Padua for assistance when you lose something. He’s the patron saint of lost items… as well as lost other things,” he added cheekily. “I could say a prayer on your behalf, if you’d like.”
Edward didn’t see how in the world that would help, but he supposed it wouldn’t hurt either. If Roy wanted to send a metaphorical Bat-Signal up to God for his aid, he might as well let him.
“Sure. Knock yourself out.”
Edward looked on in surprise as Roy turned slightly to face the crucifix that hung over the chalkboard. After making the Sign of the Cross, Roy pressed his hands together and began to pray aloud.
“O Holy St. Anthony, gentlest of Saints, your love for God and charity for His creatures made you worthy, when on earth, to possess miraculous powers. Encouraged by this thought, we implore you to obtain for us Ed’s Hello Kitty car keys,” he said, looking to Edward with a knowing smirk. He quickly rattled off the rest of the obviously memorized prayer. “...whisper my petition into the ears of the sweet Infant Jesus, who loved to be folded in your arms; and the gratitude of my heart will ever be yours. Amen.”
Edward skeptically opened a drawer he could’ve sworn he’d checked a dozen times before, and sure enough, there it was, hiding beneath an unopened pack of yellow number two pencils.
“Holy shit, that actually worked!” Edward exclaimed. Realizing his slip of the tongue, he quickly backpedaled. “Fuck! Sorry, Father…”
Seemingly undisturbed, Roy dismissively waved Edward off as he sat against one of the laboratory benches. “Oh, no worries.”
Edward had to wonder though… “Is there a saint for everything?” he asked. While he didn’t know who Saint Anthony was, he was aware that people prayed to specific saints for specific reasons.
Roy shrugged and gave a non-committal nod. “Yes, pretty much.”
Edward slipped the keyring onto his finger, spinning the keys as he walked to the front of the desk and perched himself upon it. “So if I were religious… and I did pray… who would I pray to in order to get an extra inch or two?”
Dark eyes flicked down and then back up again. “In what way?” Roy asked.
Once again, Edward’s cheeks grew hot. “Height, Bastard! Height!” he shouted, snatching up the keys in his hand. “Who knew priests had such dirty minds…”
Roy ignored the comment. “You would pray to Saint Jude Thaddeus,” he calmly answered.
“And he’s like, the patron saint of height?”
“The patron saint of lost causes,” Roy smirked.
Edward didn’t want Roy to see him bristle. “Ha-ha, very funny...” he sarcastically sang. “You know, you might be in the wrong profession, Father. You should be a comedian.”
“I moonlight at the comedy club downtown,” Roy quipped. “You really haven’t seen me there?”
Edward wasn’t sure if the man was still joking. In the end, he responded with honesty. “Never been. I just moved here, actually.”
“Oh, I see,” Roy hummed. “The job brought you here then?”
“No, not exactly,” Edward answered. He could hardly contain the pride which then swelled within him. “You see, my little brother is having a baby,” he grinned. Realizing he’d misspoken, he quickly corrected himself, “Well, my brother’s girlfriend is having a baby. I just figured I’d get a job nearby. That way, I can stick around and help out and stuff.”
Luckily or unluckily for Edward, the only school hiring science teachers at the time was the Catholic middle school at the edge of town.
“Not my first choice, to be honest,” Edward admitted, “But I figured, if no one else is gonna teach these chuckle-fucks about evolution, I might was well do it!”
“That's very admirable of you,” Roy smiled.
Edward had been expecting at least a little pushback on that last part. “You’re a priest!” he exclaimed. “You’re telling me you don’t believe in Adam and Eve, and the snake that hands out pesticide-free apples?!"
Roy shrugged. “Of course I don’t! Snakes don’t have hands. They couldn’t hand out fruit even if they wanted to.”
“What the fuck are you on? A snake could carry an apple in its mouth!” Edward argued. “Anyway, if you were taught about evolution, you’d know that snakes had hands too, up until about one hundred fifty million years ago. The ancestors of modern snakes were lizards, and a shift in habitat and method of movement eventually led to a loss of these hands that were theoretically capable of distributing produce to said unwitting nudists.”
For a moment, Edward worried he had taken the topic too far, that is, until the priest let out a light chuckle of amusement. “Well, you learn something new every day!” he laughed. “I do believe in evolution though. I just think that while man’s body was developed from these previous biological forms… forms that may or may not have possessed hands… man’s soul was perhaps a unique creation by God.”
Edward pursed his lips and shifted his eyes, his gaze falling upon the pile of classroom decorations still needing to be hung. “Well, I don’t know about that,” he hummed. “But since you do have hands, why don’t you lend me them, hm?”
Roy was more than happy to help hang the posters, and he offered to walk Edward to his car afterward. The latter was a gesture that Edward’s still directionally-confused self silently, but greatly, appreciated.
With it being the early days of September, the air clung tightly to what remained of summer, the heat hitting them hard when they stepped out the double doors. Side by side, they hurried across near-molten asphalt to Edward’s car, which sat by itself beneath the shade of a tree at the perimeter of the practically abandoned lot. As they approached, Edward pulled out his keys and unlocked his doors from afar, the beater car chirping a cheerful ‘beep-beep’ in response.
Roy eyed the pink keychain as it was replaced into Edward’s pocket. “If I may ask… why ‘Hello Kitty’?”
Edward opened the driver’s side door and then maneuvered the strap of his messenger bag over his head. “I kept forgetting to take my keys when I left the house,” he answered honestly. “But I figured that Hello Kitty is stupid. She’s a cat that wears clothes, ya know? And if something is stupid, you'll remember it, since you’ll always be thinking about it.”
“Well it looks like you'll be thinking of me for a long time then,” Roy sang softly.
Edward fumbled with the bag in his hands and hurriedly clutched it to his chest. Hoping Roy didn’t take much notice of the small incident, he stooped over to toss the bag onto the passenger seat. “Well, I mean, I... I- I don’t know if you’re stupid…” he stammered as he stood upright, “But you’re certainly the weirdest priest I’ve ever met. Actually, you’re the only priest I’ve ever met, but I guess the point still stands.”
“Yes,” Roy chuckled, “I suppose it does!”
With a tired grunt, Edward plopped down sideways upon the driver’s seat, his legs outstretched above the hot pavement. Pivoting slightly, he pressed the buttons to roll down the windows.
Meanwhile, Roy observed the harsh scratches and deep dents in the back driver’s side door. “I’m surprised your car isn’t Hello Kitty themed too,” he thought aloud.
“Yeah, well I wouldn’t forget my car,” Edward scoffed. “I’m not that dumb.” Resting his prosthetic arm upon the steering wheel, he turned and found the priest smiling gently down upon him.
“That you aren’t,” Roy answered softly. “I read your resume and the paper you submitted with your application. You come to us academically accomplished, and not to mention, highly recommended.”
Something about that gave Edward the suspicion Roy had more to do with the hiring process than he let on.
Against the backdrop of the cloudless blue sky, Roy calmly leaned up against the side of Edward’s car, tucking his hands into his pants pockets. He opened his mouth, only to close it again soon after. If words were spoken, their sound was lost amid the chirping of birds in the branches above and the rustle of leaves which blew about in the lightest of late summer breezes. In the end, Roy looked at him and took the chance, voicing his answer to the question which Edward had only barely begun to formulate in his mind.
“Many would consider this impertinent of me to say,” Roy carefully began, “But at times, I do believe that those who act kindly without the hope of heaven or the fear of hell, are in fact more aligned with God. They perform these good acts in the absence of self-interest,” he remarked.
With a small frown, Edward silently processed Roy’s words. After a few moments, he hesitantly asked a question in return.
“And do you perform good acts in the absence of self-interest, Father?”
He was met with empty air.
With a wry smile, Roy pushed himself away from the car. Giving the hood two firm pats with the palm of his hand, he then turned to leave. “Later, Elric...”
Edward blinked his eyes, surprised not only by the suddenness of the chaplain’s departure, but also, by the lack of decorum. “That’s it?!” he shouted to Roy's back. “No like, ‘peace be with you’ or something like that?”
Still smiling, Roy looked over his shoulder as he continued to walk away. “‘And also with you’, or something like that!” he jokingly responded. “I’ll pray to Saint Christopher to ensure your safe drive home!”
Edward watched Roy for a short while before settling into his seat and closing the car door behind him. He checked his cellphone, and realizing he had a missed call, he redialed. He tucked the phone between his ear and his shoulder while he used his free hands to roll up the windows and buckle his seatbelt.
The phone was picked up after three rings.
“Hey, Brother!” Alphonse answered cheerily.
With a little frown, Edward adjusted the phone beneath his ear and turned the air conditioning up as high as it would go. “Sorry I missed you, Al, I was just…”
Edward’s eyes narrowed with thought. What would you even call the interaction he just had?
If Alphonse noticed his hesitation, he didn’t mention it. “It’s alright, Brother; I figured you were busy! I just wanted to check in and see how your first day went!” Over the phone, Edward sensed his younger brother’s playful grin. “You aren’t Catholic now… are you?” Alphonse asked teasingly.
Edward huffed a breathy laugh. “Ha, no, not in the slightest.” Taking the phone in his hand, he sank back into the driver’s seat, eyes falling closed as he pleasured in the steady rush of cool air.
Not being there himself, Alphonse interpreted the short stretch of silence as a negative sign. “So it was that bad?” he quietly concluded.
Edward blinked his eyes open and looked through the windshield. In the distance, Roy walked toward the church atop the grassy hill just behind the school. As if having sensed Edward’s gaze upon his back, Roy looked over his shoulder and smiled warmly, offering a gentle wave goodbye. Edward hesitantly lifted his hand over the dashboard, giving the smallest of waves in response. The priest then turned and stepped over the cracked concrete curb, his all-black attire contrasting sharply with the field of bright green clover that he crossed with a newfound skip in his step.
“It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be,” Edward finally answered. “Actually, I’d say it was pretty good!”
Alphonse gasped in pleasant surprise. “Oh! Well then I suppose miracles really do happen!”