“New Phone, Who Dis?”

by ImJustMee

Summary:

A hashira group chat! Other characters will be mentioned and will appear

Notes:

All relationships are already established

Chapter 1: The Chaos Begins <3

Summary:

The group chat had started!!

Shinazugawa Sanemi has created a group chat

Shinazugawa Sanemi has added 8 people

Shinazugawa Sanemi has renamed the group chat to “They set him uppp”

Tomioka Giyuu: Ur joe king.

Rengoku Kyoujurou: Please explain the group chat name!!

Shinazugawa Sanemi: they set him up on that damn driver's test with those sharp ass turns like wtf even was that

Kochou Shinobu: Just watch the show..

Uzui Tengen: wtf are these names

Kochou Shinobu: They're our names?

Uzui Tengen: ts is NAWT it hold on

Uzui Tengen has changed 9 names

Wake yo ass up: stop fucking texting on here I was asleep.

Wake yo ass up: kys.

*Growling noises*: i made this wtf r u changing names for??

*Growling noises*: u better run when u see me

Lemme see ur other snake: ts was not tuff Sanemi

Lemme see ur other snake: I bet ur fucking pardon? Wtf is this user

The og Egirl: Let's watch our language! And Sanemi literally just put your phone down, I felt embarrassed when I read that.

The og Egirl: I'm going to conveniently not see my name..

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: lmao Sanemi tried to be tuff and lost the huzz while trying

Emo ass mf: ur user is a lie but alr

No.1TwiceFan: I think Tengen is pretty handsome!!

*Growling noises*: I-

My best friend ever: I agree! Tengen IS handsome, he has 3 wives after all!

Lemme see ur other snake: idk breaking the law ain't too handsome to me but I guess we all got diff types

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: real cuz wtf do u mean Sanemi managed to pull both Shinobu AND Mitsuri?? How??

My best friend ever: I was also quite shocked! Sanemi is handsome do not get me wrong but I didn't expect those three!

Wake yo ass up has muted the chat

The og Egirl: San is very handsome.

No.1TwiceFan: My boyfriend is very handsome!! The most handsome in the worldd

*Growling noises*: I'm handsome

Emo ass mf: how did they text that at the same time

No.1TwiceFan: we're all beside each other watching SpongeBob

Emo ass mf: oh wow.

Lemme see ur other snake: get a load of these guys bruh

handsome, amazing, AND flashy has changed 3 names

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: changed y'all's names since u guys r a little ult trio or sum

Dime: What?

Penny: huh

Nickel: wtf do u mean

My best friend ever: LMAAAOOOO!!!

Lemme see ur other snake: bro Kyo using the exclamation marks is killing me 

Nickel: wtf does the even mean

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: idk it's based off of ur heights?? Shinobu is tiny, Mitsuri is medium, Sanemi is tall

Nickel: the way Shin's smile just dropped

Tall asl: What happened to us talking about SpongeBob..

Emo ass mf: we dropped that

Emo ass mf: catch up.

Lemme see ur other snake: sybau

My best friend ever: brother, please be kind to my wonderful bf!!

Lemme see ur other snake: I forgot about that

Notes:

Nicknames:
Shinobu: The og Egirl (past) Dime (current)
Mitsuri: No.1TwiceFan (past) Penny (current)
Sanemi: *Growling noises* (past) Nickel (current)
Giyuu: Emo ass mf
Obanai: Lemme see ur other snake
Muichiro: Wake yo ass up
Tengen: Handsome, amazing, AND flashy
Gyomei: tall asl
Rengoku: My best friend ever

Chapter 2: “Guys I'm so boreddd”

They set him uppp

3:45 PM

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Penny: Guys I'm so boredd

Talk asl: Why don't you talk with Shinobu?

Penny: She's at work

Emo ass mf: Wut does she even do bruh

Penny: idkk sum with toxins and chemicals

Wake yo ass up has unmuted the chat

Lemme see ur other snake: welcome back

Wake yo ass up: ur name is deadass killing rn

Penny: I'm still bored

Wake you ass up: good

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: u literally have a bf and a gf 

Penny: my gf is busy n San is visiting him mum

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: oh

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: Shinobu is working rn?? Doesn't she get like a lunch break??

Penny: wait idk lemme go see

best of wives and best of women

3:49 PM

---

Nectar: heyyy..

Butterfly: Hello

Butterfly: It's not the best time right now.

Nectar: Why

Butterfly: Cause I'm at work so I have to go.

Butterfly: Love you

Nectar: </3

Nectar: luv you

They set him uppp

3:54 PM

---

Penny: she's doing toxicology stuff rn

My best friend ever: it's alright Mitsuri!!

My best friend ever: I will keep you company!!

Lemme see ur other snake: so will I ig im off today

Emo ass mf: y'all remember high school

Wake yo ass up: obv we do

Wake yo ass up: ts was terrible

Penny: real

Lemme see ur other snake: omfg do y'all remember Mr. Urokadaki that fuck ass math teacher

Lemme see ur other snake: fucking hated that guy

Penny: he made me sad

Emo ass mf: I still talk to him sometimes

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: wut

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: nvm you were one of his favs

Emo ass mf: I hear he liked Tanjiro too

Lemme see ur other snake: can't fucking stand that guy

Nickel: real

Penny: San??

Nickel: I'm still at my mom's

Nickel: just had to say that. im abt to come home tho

Wake yo ass up: yall are just jealous that he gets the huzz and you guys don't

Emo ass mf: ^^

Lemme see ur other snake: no??

Lemme see ur other snake: Sanemi literally has two gf

Emo ass mf: some how

Penny: WHAAA

Penny: San is lit so handsome but ok

Wake yo ass up: aight big bro

Penny: ANYWAY-

Penny: high school

Penny: Mr. Rengoku was so sternn

Penny: like aren't history teachers supposed to be chill 

Emo ass mf: I hate him

Lemme see ur other snake: real

Lemme see ur other snake: like how tf r u gonna target ur two sons mid class??

My best friend ever: father wasn't that bad Obanai!

My best friend ever: he brought in donuts once!!

Lemme see ur other snake: mom made him when she found out how depressed his classes were

Lemme see ur other snake: and he literally brought them in for the whole class we weren't special 

Wake yo ass up: nah

Wake yo ass up: you two are special

Wake yo ass up: REALLY special lmao

Lemme see ur other snake: sybau

Penny: who was u guys fav teacher??

Lemme see ur other snake: they all sucked

Penny: Oh

Penny: I liked Mr. Ubuyashiki

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: he wasn't even a teacher he was the principal??

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: but I agree

My best friend ever: Mr. Kuwajima the Gym teacher..

Wake yo ass up: hes hard on everyone

Wake yo ass up: I hear he's especially hard on Zenitsu

Penny: what?!

Lemme see ur other snake: cuz he's a fucking crybaby

Penny: Back the fuck up.

Penny: That's my brother.

Nickel: I just walked in and Mits looks like she's about to kill a child

Lemme see ur other snake: uhh

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: dude apologize

Nickel: Obanai why tf did u say that

Lemme see ur other snake: I was jokinngg Mitsuri

Lemme see ur other snake: ur brother is cool

Penny: k

Penny: don't say that again or else I'll slit ur throat <3

My best friend ever: I hope that's just a joke!!

Nickel: HOVFKPBFS MITS WHAT

Lemme see ur other snake: WHAA

Penny: all jokes 

Notes:

Always had the Zenitsu and Mits being siblings head canon and I figured this fic could be a good place to place to take this head canon out in the town 🩷💛

Chapter 3

Notes:

I fear my bias may be showing 😭🙏

My girlfriends are pretty

5:03 PM

---

 

This mf needs a bra: shinobu 

My girl: hi?? What is it Sanemi?

My girl: I will eternally cringe at this name

This mf needs a bra: I gotcha just wait

This mf needs a bra: watch this

This mf needs a bra has changed a name

This mf needs a bra: ur new name is lit so tuff

This mf needs a bra: like me

Insect killer: What?

Insect killer: This is not tuff.

This mf needs a bra: Yes it is

This mf needs a bra: cause you like insects

This mf needs a bra: and you kill. obviously. Catch up

Insect killer: Who have I killed?

So pretty and lovely: u used to kill ants Shinny

Insect killer: As a child

So pretty and lovely: r insects ants?

This mf needs a bra: 

This mf needs a bra: there's no way u just asked if insects are ants

So pretty and lovely: u know what I meant

Insect killer: all ants = insect. All insects ≠ Ants

So pretty and lovely: Shinny is so nice and helpful

So pretty and lovely: unlike San/j

This mf needs a bra: Im such a gentleman

So pretty and lovely: Yup!!

Insect killer: You are.

Insect killer: To some extent.

This mf needs a bra: ik

This mf needs a bra: and I'm so calm

Insect killer: Hm.

So pretty and lovely: depends

This mf needs a bra: I'm ALWAYS calm

Insect killer: Same man who was screaming on Dress To Impress..

---

They set him uppp

5:10 PM:

Wake yo ass up: reminder that Obanai used to crush on Mitsuri in high school 

Lemme see ur other snake: reminder that I can come to your place and slit ur throat

Emo ass mf: oh wow

My best friend ever: please calm down brother!!

Tall asl: Why did we need this reminder?

Wake yo ass up: I just woke up and I'm bored

Wake yo ass up: and that's the first think that came to mind

Tall asl: You just woke up? It's the middle of the afternoon.

Tall, handsome, AND flashy: shocked that Sanemi's cringey ahh ain't come in here like "Grrr back away from my kitten" or sum

Nickel: kys

Nickel: also I literally don't care if he crushed on her in highschool 

Lemme see ur other snake: most valid reaction I've seen from you

Nickel: alr lil bro 

Lemme see ur other snake: I'm just saying

Emo ass mf: we've all seen Sanemi when we play DTI

Nickel: what did you say.

Emo ass mf: nothing

My best friend ever: I'm sending conflict!

Nickel: there's no conflict I'm chill

Nickel: as always

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: u can TELL Shinobu or Mitsuri walked in lmao

Nickel: I'm not whipped like u

Dime: yeah I didn't walk in I'm literally asleep!!

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: girl..

Nickel: I—

Nickel: I appreciate ur attempt to prove him wrong ig

Penny: Mits..

Wake yo ass up: The jig is up lol bro 

My best friend ever: What!!

Dime: tbf i am in bed

Dime: don't say it Tengen

Nickel: Tengen ong if you say it I'll kill you

Penny: Tengen do not make a dirty joke

Notes:

Zhou Yu why r u petting your already underaged wife's head.. like big bro is NAWT beating the allegations 🐺❤️‍🩹 esp not with the terrible dlc him and Xiao have in dw7

Chapter 4: Bugs

Notes:

This is honestly just gonna be my one fic where I get to make the characters act out of character but also like I'm a way that's fannonly in character if that makes sense?? Cuz fanon acts like Shinobu is the devil incarnate lmao idk it's fun to write them all like they're goofballs or evil or stuff like that, I understand the appeal now (but this will be my only fic doing so)

They set him upp

2:10 AM

---

Emo ass mf: I used to eat snts

---

They set him up

11:39 AM

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: What a night time confession

Wake yo ass up: “snts”

My best friend ever: Oh!

Dime: didn't we all

‘Dime’ has changed 3 names

RedVelvet&Katseye: like I was saying

RedVelvete&Katseye: didn't we all?

TimmyToughKnuckles: sum of us were on sinister timing so..

RedVelvet&Katseye: cough* Shinobu *cough

Handsome, amazing AND flashy: LMAOOO THEIR GIRLFRIEND CAUGHT A STRAY

THE Egirl: False info. I was a sweet child.

THE Egirl: why's everyone convinced I was an Egirl?? We literally all went to the same highschool, I was normal??

Wake yo ass up: must we show the photo evidence?? Ur asthetic in hs said all we needed to know 

Lemme see ur other snake: “false info, I was a sweet child”

Lemme see ur other snake: something tells me that's a false statement 

THE Egirl: It's a true statement, I was a very kind girl.

Emo ass mf: u used to spray numbing spray on bugs and watch them die??

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: wait r we deadass

Emo ass mf: idk. Word on the street

Wake yo ass up: big bro said 'word on the street' like he didn't get it from her brother..

Tall asl: How unexpected..

THE Egirl: What is this slander? We all had a phase.

My best friend ever: Who is this “we” you speak of!!

THE Egirl: By “We” I mean “We.” *Gestures to everyone in the group chat.*

My best friend ever: that's is a you!! Not a we!! *Makes an X gesture with hands*

Wake yo ass up: WTF is this roleplay situation that's happening here

RedVelvet&Katseye: it's okay Shinny!!

THE Egirl: See? Mitsu had a phase too.

RedVelvet&Katseye: no no no THAT would be wild

RedVelvet&Katseye: if few things in this world are out of pocket: that would prolly be one of them

RedVelvet&Katseye: I was gonna say it's okay cuz you were just a kid and curious

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: wait yeah

Handsome, amazing, AND flashy: kids just be doing stuff man

Tall asl: That is true. As long as such behavior is purely out of curiosity and doesn't continue past a certain age everything is okay.

Emo ass mf: she was allegedly 14 when she used to do that 

Tall asl: Namu amida butsu..

Handsome, amazing, and flashy: oh wow

TimmyToughKnuckles: like I said, sinister timing.

Notes:

This is short but idk I only really update this when I'm bored lol Maybe in a few days or weeks i'll do a textfic where I characterize them right idk