Arrested Development

by Bryxobryx

Summary:

Once upon a time, a depressed teen from Brooklyn fell down a well and befriended the lonely prince of a dark empire. And as far as Luigi is concerned, the story ends there. Bowser doesn't recognize him at all and he could not be more over his goth phase.

Then they get trapped in a cave-in together, and Bowser starts acting a little too familiar.

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Notes:

I got stalled on my long-form fic, and heard that working on multiple projects could help with writer's block, so I decided to write a little one-off bottle episode based on this bunch of Tumblr posts: https://batneko.tumblr.com/post/787491195177828352/i-drew-this-yesterday-but-i-was-too-sleepy-to

But all that happened was I got writer's block on two projects.

Luigi slowly opened his eyes. His head was spinning, his back was throbbing, and his limbs felt loose and watery. None of his parts really seemed to be on the same wavelength, so he decided to close his eyes again and wait until he was back in sync with himself. 

Then he opened his eyes again, because he realized that he couldn’t actually tell whether they were closed. He was in total darkness. And he was upside-down, back and legs splayed up against a wall of some kind? When had that happened?

With some persuasion, his legs were convinced to move, sluggishly, until his body eventually unbalanced and slid down the wall. Now he was lying on his side, a definite improvement. Stresses and tensions he hadn’t noticed he’d been feeling eased. Then he felt cold, stinging fire wrap around his body, a sign that blood was trickling back into all the important places. He must have been out like that for a while, though not nearly long enough, considering how tired he still felt. 

The floor was stone. Smooth enough, and warm , too. A little dusty, but right now Luigi was too tired to care. He curled up and closed his eyes.

It really was very dusty, wasn’t it?

And it smelled funny, too. The dust.

It smelled like ash. Volcanoes.

It smelled like Bowser’s Castle.

Luigi wouldn’t fall asleep in Bowser’s Castle, would he?

When had he fallen asleep? Once again, he opened his eyes to the black and racked his brain. It was a challenge, more so than he expected. Was he really that tired? This felt… different…

He sat up.

“Welcome back, Greenie.” 

He fell over.

“Whoa! Easy, there!” Bowser’s voice came from somewhere very close by. “I ain’t in any condition to stomp ya, if that’s what you’re worried about.” His voice did sound a little strained. “Wasn’t expecting that much of the ceiling to come down. Sorry ‘bout that.”

The adrenaline from that little scare was helping to clear Luigi’s head. “B-bowser…? Right, we wele fighting… Mario grabbed the princesth and you roalled… rooarrlled… roared ,” his tongue felt too big for his mouth. He tried to stand and got as far as one knee when his head started to throb. He grabbed it with a hand as unnatural rainbows danced across his empty field of vision.

“Take it easy, I said!” came the testy rumble from nearby. “I thought I sa- saw you jump clear of the rocks, but it looks like you still got a knock on the head.” It was hard to pinpoint where it came from, exactly. The stone around them seemed to rumble in sympathy with the almost impossibly deep bass. Or maybe that was just because Luigi’s head was spinning off without the rest of him again. “You got a concussion or something?”

He took a deep breath and the spinning stopped. His neck felt swollen, too. “I… think I’m fine. I mean, it doesn’t feel great, but I’m pretty sure I’m just woozy from the blood pooling in my head.” Both hands came up to rub his temples. “How long was I out?”

“Like ten minutes?” A note of unease. “Don’t you need extra blood flowing to the wound for your body to fix it without magic?”

“To and away,” Luigi replied absently, trying to delicately feel around for his head injury. That flash of pain when he’d tried to stand, had it come from - fuck! Nope, right here. It was a bad bump, but a bump was all it was. A tiny bit of blood in his hair, too little to be flowing from an open wound. Probably not falling debris, then. Knowing himself he’d tripped and hit the wall wrong.

“...Oh. Uh, sorry.” Two apologies in less than a minute. Did Bowser have a concussion?

“Why are you sorry? You can’t see how I’m lying down.” 

“...”

“Do you… do you have night vision?”

“Well, yeah, but that’s for low light, not no light.” He must have some kind of head problem. He was being way too calm. “I can see your position from your body heat, though. You’re like a… fuzzy little green shadow.” 

“That’s… pretty cool. And, uh… no apologies necessary. You didn’t know better.” It was weird to be having a civil conversation with Bowser. In all the years Luigi had lived in the Mushroom Kingdom, they’d never been in a position to do so. They’d never been alone together, except a few memorable fights, and those weren’t great moments for deep conversation.

“Thanks.” Not that this was deep conversation. 

“So… still green, huh?” It was as awkward as Luigi remembered.

Bowser chuckled warmly, “Heh. Always.” 

Luigi blushed in the dark. Awkward and occasionally very confusing. Exactly like he remembered.

“You overheating now?”

“Yep!” Luigi responded immediately. “The heat coming off the rocks is a little too much for me.” After all, Bowser had never shown any sign of recognizing Luigi at all, and it was very much better that way. Leave the past where it was buried.

That particular chapter of it, anyway. He couldn’t handle the embarrassment of seeing it resurface.

“It’s not that warm, is it?” Bowser asked. “I was gonna give us a little light, check out my new redecorated throne room, but if yer gonna faint on me…”

“Better not to use fire. We don’t know if we’ve got any fresh air coming in.”

Bowser scoffed, “Kamek’ll have us outta here before we run out of air. Kinda surprised he hasn’t done it yet.”

“Still, let me get the lights. Lightning burns the air too but, less. And slower.” He held a hand out in front of him. Tiny lights started to flicker in his palm, like blue fireflies. They coalesced into a glowing ball at the center of Luigi’s hand that whirred and pulsated strangely as it grew. 

With a flourish, he snapped the fingers of his right hand past the gathering thunder in his left and pointed skyward as the energy began to discharge. He had no clue why, but the pose helped him control the release a little better. He raised his left hand, and gaped at the rubble around him, cast in blue.

The tiny cave was about twice as long as it was wide, and half as tall. The walls were piles of stone. The slabs of cracked masonry that formed the ceiling overlapped each other slightly like the shell of an armadillo, or a pillbug, from the shape. The pillbug’s head was chopped off by the wall Luigi had been propped upside down on. At the other end, apparently comfortably wedged into the corner, looking around in approval-

“Kamek does good work,” Bowser said, meeting Luigi’s eyes with a smile. The lightning went out at that moment. “Hey.” In the renewed darkness, his voice was a bit more tentative.

“H-hey.”

“I didn’t… spook you just now, did I?”

He sounded so dejected Luigi couldn’t help blurting out, “Oh! Oh, no! It just doesn’t last long! The lightning, you know?”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Yeah. Or, no, we’re actually pretty well trapped in here.”

“Oh. Yeah. Not cool.”

“And I can’t hear any digging or fighting from outside, either.”

“Me neither. Must be a lot of shit on top of us. You better thank Kamek when we get out.”

“You mentioned him before. What did Kamek do?”

“Huh? Saved us from getting crushed? How’d you think a perfect little bubble of rubble like this formed around us?”

“One of those freak miracles of physics?” Luigi had actually been a little awestruck by the sight of it. He started to blush again.

A scoff in the dark. “Grow up.”

Luigi didn’t say anything.

“Uh, sorry, that was mean.”

He looked back up and squinted into the darkness. Curiosity finally won out over caution. “Okay. You’ve apologized to me three times in the past eight years and they’ve all been in this cave. What is going on? I haven’t heard you speak this calmly since-” he stopped. The lingering lightheadedness had loosened his tongue.

“Since when?” Bowser sounded surprised.

“...”

“Since when ?”

“Since… ever. What gives? Did you get hit in the head too?”

“I don’t need to be punch-drunk to be calm!” It was hard to tell, but the air smelled a little smokier.

Luigi put up his hands, hoping Bowser could see them. “Sure! Sure, sure…!” There was an annoyed huff, but nothing else. “It’s just… you looked a little cramped, sitting there in a corner. Are you… alright?”

Bowser seemed to remember something. “Ah, right! I’m, uh, kinda stuck.”

“Stuck?”

“Yeah, I waited out most of the collapse in my shell; pulled my spikes in in case something harder than a rock fell on me. When everything stopped, I came outta my shell and sat up. Didn’t realize I was in the corner until my spikes shot into the walls.”

“Oh.” That didn’t sound like stuck. “Can’t you just retract them again?”

“I ain’t tryin’ anything until I hear someone above me digging us out. Something… rumbled when the rocks got skewered."

Luigi looked up instinctively as he gulped, not that there was anything to see. “You think you might be… load-bearing… right now?”

“Like I said, not trying a thing.”

Luigi swallowed again. “L-let me take a look.”

Bowser growled, “You aren’t messing with anything until-”

Luigi held his hands up again. “I won’t mess! I just want to look! I know a little practical engineering. Here, let me spark up again-” He gathered power for a moment.

“You really don’t have to-”

“Close your eyes for a second.”

Snap!

<<CRACKLE>>

Luigi’s eyes popped open. Bowser was regarding him with an expression that was hard to read in the dancing blue light. It looked familiar, but from the bad old days, not the last eight years. Luigi had never been able to figure out what it meant back then, either. 

He stepped forward and raised his left hand as he looked at the rubble around his shell. Quite a few spikes were definitely wedged in there, in holes and cracks between stones. One or two just disappeared into the rock, with barely a crack around the entry point. Luigi knew from painful experience that Bowser didn’t keep his spikes as sharp as he could. He wondered how hard they were, and how much force they ejected with…

“Have I ever told you how badass it is that you can do that now?” Bowser asked.

Luigi jumped a little and blushed again. Had that expression been… admiration? It took him a second to remember his sparkling palm and realize Bowser was referring to the Thunderhand.

“I don’t think you’ve ever been in a position to see it up close, except when we’re, uh, fighting. Kind of an awkward time for… small talk.”

“HAHAHA! Good point!” Bowser tried to lean back in his shell. It didn’t work, thanks to the wall spikes, so he just stretched his legs out as he grinned. “Man, when was the last time the two of us had any time to chat like this?”

Sixteen years. Literally more than a lifetime ago, from the perspective of the thirty-somethings in the cave. One of them, anyway. “I think… two years? There was that Double Dash grand prix where we got teamed up. Mario had Peach. Boy, that was an awkward waiting room, huh? You were so surprised when we beat them-” The lightning went out as Luigi babbled, but he saw the warmth leave Bowser’s smile before it did.

“Hah, clever answer.” He did not sound appreciative of Luigi’s cleverness. “But that’s not what I’m talking about, and I’m startin’ to think you know what I am talking about.”

Fuck. Maybe he could still bluff his way out of this? “I-I-I’m not… one-hundred percent sure I know. Could you maybe… jog my memory?” And give me a better idea of how much you remember?

“Sure I can,” Bowser replied, faux affable. “Anything for my best pal, Lucifer!”

Luigi flinched. That stupid fucking name . He’d never had the courage to actually ask anyone in the human world to call him that, yet he’d confidently introduced himself to a fire-breathing dragon prince as-

“I can see you cringing over there, Greenie. In case you were thinking of being an asshole and denying it.”

He took a deep breath and let it out as he tried to accept that this was happening. “How long have you known it was me?”

“Been sure for about a month. Been wondering for a lot longer, though. Your eyes are so much bigger without all that hair in the way. And your clothes are… you used to dress a lot more, uh…” with unusual tact, Bowser trailed off and approached the topic from another angle, “What happened to your awesome collar?”

“I… outgrew it,” Luigi said, rubbing the back of his head, wincing as he found his bruise again. “It wasn’t really my style anymore.” He remembered who he was talking to. “Um, it’s a really good look on you, though!”

“Hah! Sure is!” Bowser preened. “Don’t sell yerself short, though. You were the trendsetter. Let me send you home with one of my spare wristbands. That’s probably about the right size for your neck if you cinch it up all the way. Trust me, they go with everything .” This last sentence was spoken with utter conviction.

“Heh, I mean, if you insist…” the green plumber responded weakly. Mama had been very strict with the brothers about this. You had to wear any item of clothing given as a gift at least once, in the gifter’s presence. 

But that was just basic survival instinct in a big Italian family where small grievances could spread like wildfire. Did the rule also apply to nemeses? Could a future boss battle count as the one time or would he have to wait for another intra-kingdom sporting event? Because people filmed those, and-

“So, how ‘bout you?”

“Huh?”

“How long have you known I was me?”

“Oh, eh… a while…”

“You recognized me right away, didn’t you?”

“Pretty much immediately, yeah.”

“Why didn’t you SAY anything!?”

Luigi was thrown by the force of Bowser’s query. Backing away, he sputtered, “W-w-well, you were in the middle of some p-pretty serious war crimes when we met! I was terrified! And you were…” really fixated on Princess Peach, he would never, ever say out loud. “...a lot more…  intense, than when we were kids. I wasn’t sure if I’d be treated better or worse if you recognized me.”

 “What do you MEAN? Of COURSE I would have-” Bowser paused mid-rant and took a deep breath. Luigi saw a flicker of faint red light in the shape of his open mouth, then it faded. Almost mournfully he admitted, “I guess… it wasn’t the best second impression I could have made…” Luigi was momentarily stunned by this display of patient introspection, but Bowser’s voice immediately rose again, slightly more plaintive than before, “but you’ve been here for almost a decade now! You know I’ve mellowed out since then. I’ve got kids, I don’t cheat at board games anymore, I’m occasionally doing politics that don’t involve conquest! I mean, we’ve golfed together, for stars’ sakes!” he said incredulously. “Fucking golf , Lucifer!”

Luigi winced again. “Please don’t call me that. It’s… embarrassing to think about that time of my life.”

“Embarrassing.” All emotion fled Bowser’s voice.

“Yeah?” Luigi continued, uncertainly after the change in tone, “I mean, I-”

“No, NO! I get it,” A dangerous edge was creeping back from the emptiness. “That’s probably why you never bothered to tell me you met me when we were teenagers, right?”

“I mean, yes, but also-” 

Bowser wasn’t waiting for Luigi’s answer. “Of COURSE you’d be embarrassed. Seeing this guy, everyone thinks he’s this big, tough, badass king of a Koopa and nobody but you knows what a geeky weirdo he used to be.”

“What?” Luigi tried to flip his brain around. “Hold on, I’m not-”

The glow was back in Bowser’s mouth, strong enough now that Luigi could see his silhouette as he started to ramble, “-probably all it ever was back then. I mean, you were this tough street smart big-city kid. You meet some lanky loser of a shut-in and decide to pity him for a few days cuz, I dunno, maybe your dad’s a piece of shit too, but then you get bored and as soon as you see a way out-”

“HEY!” Luigi’s hand sparked and flashed in front of Bowser’s face. Bowser shut up. Good. Listening to him project so hard was starting to make his skin crawl. He tried to remember if Bowser had ever been so obvious about his insecurities. If he had when they were kids, Luigi had been too wrapped up in himself to notice. 

He shook himself back to the present and pulled his hand back to fix a stunned Bowser with the sternest look he could muster. He tried to put on a “reassuring older brother” voice like Mario used when he was spiraling, “Listen, I was not embarrassed by you, Bowser. I thought you were the coolest, when we were teenagers. I’m embarrassed of me. The way I… was when we hung out that time.”

Bowser’s incredulous expression stretched further. “That’s… but that was YOU! YOU were the coolest!” He said it more like he was reciting trivia than paying a compliment.

“Whah?” Luigi looked back with a similar face to what Bowser was showing him. The lightning fizzled out. “Wh-What are you talking about? I was just some miserable punk-ass nobody who whined at you for a weekend while you ran a castle and built submarines! I know you liked my fashion, but really, think about it. Wasn’t I just… annoying, clinging to you like that?”

“No? I was the clingy one! You were cool! And it wasn’t just your clothes, it was your whole vibe. You were just so… defiant.”

Luigi snorted at the admiration in Bowser’s tone. This was surreal. “It’s easy to be defiant when nothing is hard to defy. It was actually meeting you that helped to give me some clarity on my situation. You had real shit going on in your life.”

“You had real shit going on, too!” Bowser protested. “The way you talked it was like your whole world had collapsed!”

“But it didn’t, Bowser,” Luigi sighed. “It hadn’t. It just felt that way. I felt so… defeated by such stupid little things that don’t even matter now…”

“Your whole family turned against you! And one of your closest friends humiliated you! All because you wanted to fuck a man!”

Luigi buried his face in his hands. “Ugh, that is not what happened. What happened is I came out as bisexual, and I got a bad reaction from a kid I’d known for all of six months, plus a couple of relatives who I… thought I liked a lot.”

“Uncle Tito called you ‘Fairy Princess Tinkle-bell’ in front of everyone!” The telltale glow made Bowser’s outrage clear. “And your mother didn’t even uninvite him from the Thanks Gifting!” 

Luigi sighed again. “And that hurt. She didn’t ‘turn against’ me, though. Nobody did, aside from Tito. They weren’t perfect at it, but they loved me and always did their best to support me.”

“That didn’t include sending you to college,” Bowser pointed out. He had a very good memory for these things, didn’t he…?

“Yeah, well, we weren’t rich. And Mario and I had a trade lined up. I don’t know why I felt like it was the end of the world. I think there was a teacher who was an asshole about it? Or maybe that was a stress dream. I vaguely recall this doom lecture about our futures.”

“Mr. Henckley,” Bowser growled.

“Probably,” Luigi responded absently. “See, I don’t even remember the details now, that’s how little it all mattered.”

“What mattered was how you felt ,” Bowser said hotly. “You felt trapped. You felt alone.”

“But I wasn’t!”

“Doesn’t matter. Not to your feelings. Take it from me, Luigi, you can’t steer your heart from your head.”

He was probably trying to sound sage and fatherly. It didn’t suit him. Luigi smiled, wondering how his kids reacted to that voice. “Everything really is just that simple to you, isn’t it?” He chuckled, “I always liked that.”

Bowser didn’t respond right away. Had something happened to him in the dark? Luigi was about to charge the Thunderhand again when he finally said, bitterly, “If you liked me so much, why haven’t you reached out?”

Oh god. “It… it’s like I said before. I was embarrassed. I’m a different person now than I was then. You’re a different person, too. I mean, it was three days sixteen years ago, Bowser. I honestly didn’t think you’d care that much.”

“WHAT!” This was accompanied by a small gout of fire that hung in the air for a second. Luigi fell back and stared up at Bowser’s face lit by the flames. His eyes were stretched wide in disbelief, pupils juddering pinpricks as he glared through him. “You didn’t think I’d CARE? About YOU? You were my first real friend! Nobody had ever actually listened to me before you. They just nodded and said whatever they thought would make me happy cuz they were scared of my dad ,” he snarled derisively. “Like HE actually gave a shit!”

Luigi found it hard to speak as he stared up at the Koopa King, heart twisting in his chest. He’d been afraid, at that first outburst. Now he was just… dumbfounded. “...Bowser-”

“You actually took me seriously! I showed you all my stupid gadgets and you looked at me like I was the kingdom’s chief combat engineer. And you showed me music that put words to feelings I didn’t even know I was feeling,” the flames died in Bowser’ throat as his voice grew more distraught. “You changed my life in those three days, Luigi, and then you- and I just-” he took a low, shuddering breath, and let it out slowly.

Luigi waited. He genuinely couldn’t think of anything else to do. 

“I thought I killed you.”

That snapped him out of it, a little. He managed to stammer out, “You didn’t- how did you-”

“I shoulda just hid you in a closet or something, but I panicked when I heard Pops coming in. I just- I knew he would torture you if he found you, and the window was right there- I looked for you for hours after he went to sleep. When I couldn’t find you I- I mean, I always hoped you had found the warp pipe back to your world but when you never came back to visit again I thought maybe you broke your leg and got trapped in a pit somewhere, or fell in lava, or, or you ran into a hungry Chain Chomp or…” he finally lapsed into silence. Luigi heard a strange raspy snort that might have been a giant Koopa’s version of a sniffle.

The plumber sat there in quiet amazement, and no small amount of shame. One of the worst things, he mused, one of the absolute worst things about depression, was how blind it made you to other people. Bowser had been so much to him as a kid: the coolest new friend a baby goth teen could ask for, an excellent shoulder to cry on, a much-needed dose of perspective, awakener of tendencies that Luigi didn’t learn there was a name and online communities for until two weeks before he and his brother were sucked down the pipe…

He’d never once considered that he might have been anything to Bowser other than a fleeting curiosity. 

“I’m sorry, Bowser,” he said. His voice came out small and ashamed. He tried again, “I’m sorry. I really didn’t think- If I had known… I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything.”

Another probably-a-sniffle. “Thank you, Luigi,” Bowser’s voice quivered, then firmed up. “I’m… sorry I threw you out a window.”

Luigi laughed awkwardly. “Aw, it was only the second floor. I barely felt it.”

“Oh, uh, good, heh.” From the dark, a deep chuckle, rivaling Luigi’s for awkwardness.

Uncomfortable silence fell.

Luigi broke first. “Do you… still play electric guitar?”

There was a hint of a growl in Bowser’s reply, “Outgrew it. My hands got too big to move along the neck smoothly.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

“It’s not a big deal. I got really into the piano afterwards.”

“Oh. That’s a… nice change of pace. *Awkward silence* …Big hands don’t get in the way of that too?”

“Not with these babies,” Bowser said. “Ah, right, you can’t see me. My claws. They help a lot with, like, precision… Those Linkin Park songs you transcribed for me transposed to the piano really well.”

Luigi laughed outright. “I bet. I’d love to hear one sometime.”

Bowser laughed too. It was light, for him. “You’ll have to figure out a way to evict Ludwig first. That’s been ‘his’ music room since he was big enough to reach half the keys.”

Luigi tilted his head in surprise. “You’re a pretty good dad, aren’t you?” 

“Why do you sound so surprised!” he snapped.

That would have put Luigi off at the beginning of this conversation, but without any light, wrapped up in Bowser’s nostalgia, he couldn’t help picturing the awkward, gangly prince he’d known in the past. It was harder to be intimidated by that. “Well, the only time I really get to see them is right after… Mario( coward ) is finished beating them to get past the fort you sent them to guard.” “Harder” wasn’t “impossible.”

Bowser gave a laugh that was more properly Bowser . “BWAHAHA! Beating ? You two scrawny plumbers couldn’t give them a beating if you tried!” More seriously he added, “And I know you’re not trying.”

“Well, yeah, I mean, obviously we’re not gonna try to hurt children, even giant turtle wizard children . But… sometimes they… they wouldn’t go down unless we really-”

“Aww, they like to play up the drama to make you feel bad for ‘em, bless their twisted little hearts,” Bowser said, fondness in his voice. “Trust me, Greenie, the worst you’ve ever done is leave them a little sore and too tuckered out to move for the rest of the day. It’s better than daycamp. Unexpected fringe benefit of fighting righteous types.”

He was still laughing, but Luigi decided he had pushed his luck on unsolicited parenting advice for the day. From where he’d started, Bowser was moving in the right direction. That was what mattered. “So, no piano recital?”

“Hang on, I played last time. You still owe me a song on your bass.”

Ah, Right. “I, uh, didn’t actually play bass.”

“What?”

“I just wanted you to think I was cool, so I… said I played the bass.”

“Seriously? That’s adorable!” Luigi blushed as Bowser laughed again. “Do you play any instruments? You knew how to write sheet music, so-”

“Yeah, the, uh, the flute.” In high school band. “I might be a little rusty.”

“Hey, that’s perfect! A flute is way better accompaniment to a grand piano than a bass! Green Shell From Planet Hell’s still got a chance to rock the world!”

Luigi couldn’t help but giggle at that, “Oh god, that was what we were going to call ourselves, wasn’t it?”

“Oh no, no ‘was.’ And no ‘we,’ either. That masterpiece was all you, Greenie.”

“I really don’t mind you changing it to something else.”

“Not a chance.”

“It doesn’t even mention me, though.”

“Sure it does! You’re Green and I’m Shell!”

“Your shell is already green, though. Y’know, like most Koopas? Besides, I wasn’t wearing any green when I- oh, yeah. Heat vision.”

“Yup.”

“But normal Koopas don’t have heat vision, do they?”

“Good thing you wear green now, then.”

“It just seems a little… generic.”

“Fiiiine, we can change our band name. But you have to be the one to come up with it.”

Luigi smiled. “I’m actually completely okay with that.” It was ridiculous, but the conversation was at least helping to keep his mind off being trapped under tons of rubble that was barely being held in place by a few wedges of keratin. “Let’s see, we might want to go for a different vibe, if it’s just going to be flute and piano. Still can’t believe you went from electric guitar to that. It’s an interesting pivot.”

“Yeah, well,” a hint of growl was back in Bowser’s voice. “Wasn’t really my first choice.”

A little more uncertainly, Luigi went on, “You couldn’t get a custom extra-large guitar made?”

“Pops and I weren’t really on the best terms after you left,” Now Bowser was just straight-up growling, but Luigi could still hear a smile. “Piano was built into the room. It used to turn into an organ, but something in the organ part broke before I was born. It was the only thing he couldn’t totally smash or throw away.”

“You sound… happy about being on the outs with your dad?”

Bowser let out a harsh bark of a laugh. “Why wouldn’t I be? I sure as hell wasn’t ever gonna earn his approval .”

“That’s… I’m sorry.”

“Why are YOU sorry? It’s ‘cuz of you I stopped kowtowing to that evil old bastard.”

“Wh- me?”

“I already told you,” Bowser explained slowly, as though to a child. “You changed my life. Didja think I was just talkin’ about getting me addicted to bad romance novels?”

“B-but, I never even met your dad! What did I do to ruin your relationship?”

Bowser scoffed, “You still don’t get it. There was no relationship to ruin. Ninety percent of the time he was gone, and those were the good days. There was no chance I’d get my ass beat.”

Luigi went cold. “He… he beat you? You never said anything about-”

“Well, he didn’t call them that, and I didn’t start thinkin’ of ‘em like that until after he was gone. But yeah, whenever he thought I disagreed with him, or messed up something he told me to do, he’d ‘challenge’ me. To an ‘honor duel.’ Never held back, either. Always said he was teaching me a lesson, but I knew sometimes he’d make something up just ‘cuz he was in the mood to fight.”

“I hated it. Got it into my head that I could spare myself if I was just… good enough at everything else. Stupid. I was never gonna be good enough for that piece of shit, but I was ready to break myself trying. I thought I didn’t have any other choice. He was my dad, after all, and the king. He was the strongest. He was in charge. That was just how it worked, and I just had to stay down and accept it.”

“And then you showed up, and you didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone . The whole world was against you and you were gonna keep going just to spite it.”

“But I wasn’t -”

“I don’t care , Luigi. I don’t care if your problems were peanuts next to mine. That’s probably how you knew what to do. Because you weren’t as fucked up as I was. You were exactly the friend I needed, and I need to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, because you saved me. You saved me from that monster.”

“But- but…” Luigi stammered. “All I did was whine and complain.”

“Exactly! I never knew that was an option!” Bowser exclaimed. “I thought my options were: piss off Pops and get my ass kicked, OR, do everything perfectly and get my ass kicked when something else pisses him off. He was never gonna stop, and I was never gonna be big or strong enough to stop him, and it was killing me.”

“But you- yes, little old you, Lucifer- taught me that it didn’t matter. Even if I couldn’t win in a fight, I didn’t have to just… submit. I could refuse his orders, talk back, just ignore him. It didn’t matter that he was bigger. It didn’t matter how much he hurt me. If I could just defy him, even a little, if he didn’t break me, then I still won .” The pride in Bowser’s trembling voice was a razor blade; sharp, savage, and so very flimsy.

Luigi slowly remembered to breathe. It was difficult. His heart ached for the koopa he’d known. He had no idea what to say. He knew he should say something , but his mind was stuck on Bowser’s words, imagining the life he’d described, the hopelessness of it all. So he let the quiet drag on for a bit. The king didn’t speak, but didn’t appear to be waiting for a response, either. He was probably stuck in his head too. Luigi really wasn’t a fan of silence, at least not this kind. He tried to pull himself far enough out of his empathy to formulate a question.

“So… when did your dad finally…?” It felt a little too… normal as a follow-up to all that , but it was better than just sitting there thinking about it.

“Not too long. A few years after you left. In battle, obviously. Somewhere on the Eastern border.” Bowser snorted. “Best 18th birthday present EVER, lemme tell ya. Everyone was happy he was gone. The party went on for a week . It was a wild time.” He sighed, misty, “I wished you were there so badly.”

“I’ve never been great at parties,” Luigi said conversationally. “Depending on the company, I either melt into the wall or get so swept up that I make a complete ass of myself.”

“Is that why you never came back?” Bowser murmured.

Luigi slumped. Guilt settled on his shoulders like a lead shawl.

“I guess I can understand why you never bothered telling me after you moved here permanently. I didn’t recognize you, after all, and I had… other priorities,” he said gloomily. “But… you found the pipe you came in from, right? You should have been able to come back any time you wanted, and you never did.” A long sigh, into his hand from the way it sounded. It was hard to tell exactly what Bowser meant by it. “It- it was dangerous, right? The lava fields and the wild monsters? You were probably scared of Pops too.”

“Huh? No, that’s not why I never came back,” Luigi said, confused. Was Bowser trying to feed him an excuse?

“Was it… because of the window?”

Luigi stifled a giggle at the scolded child’s tone Bowser was using. “No. You made it clear that it was better than the alternative. It would have been nice if we were a little closer to the ground, but-”

“So WHY?” he cried suddenly. “I thought we- I know you didn’t think I cared much but-” he swallowed, then went on, “What- what exactly was I to you?”

Bowser was afraid , Luigi realized. He’d probably thought about this a lot already and imagined all the best and worst responses he could receive. Luigi was familiar with this type of overthinking, but it might be new to the confident Koopa.

“Bowser, I… you… were exactly the friend I needed at that moment in my life. I was just so… done, with everything. Nobody understood me. I didn’t understand me either. People wanted to help me, but they didn’t know what I needed, because I was just too goddamn despondent to tell them how bad it was. And I blamed them for that. Again, I really wasn’t facing anything… materially devastating. But of course that was the last thing I actually needed to hear from anyone.”

“And then, a miracle. I fall down a well and into the arms of the first person who takes me and my piddling little problems completely seriously. He does this even as he’s juggling royal politics, learning an instrument, and massive engineering projects for a Class-A nightmare of a father. Watching you just… handle everything that was going on in your life, it was inspiring.”

“Handle? Everything was two seconds away from falling apart. I was a fucking spaz,” Bowser muttered.

“And you didn’t ever let that stop you,” Luigi insisted. “You never let anything stop you. And I thought to myself, ‘if he can do all that when he’s barely any older than I am, what excuse do I have?’ When I got back to Brooklyn, I stopped withdrawing from everyone, stopped being too proud to look for help. I learned better ways to deal with my emotions. And it was all thanks to you, Bowser.”

“Then seriously, why didn’t you ever-” Bowser started again.

“It wasn’t my choice,” Luigi cut him off. “Although it was… kind of my fault.”

“WHAT? What does that mean?”

“So, the pipe I found was at the bottom of an unused well in my world, just one of those weird leftovers from older times you find in cities that have been around for a while. This one was in a random alley between apartment buildings.”

“Okay…?” Bowser said, not following.

“I came back the next day to visit again-”

“The next day?” He sounded surprised and delighted. “Really?”

Luigi blushed, yet again. “Yeah, well, I already told you-”

“Sure, sure, but… you weren’t scared of the lava, or the wild monsters? My Pops?”

“Oh, I was terrified , but you were worth it.” He cringed. That had sounded a lot less cheesy in his head. He was surprised by a deep, deep giggle. It stopped abruptly, like Bowser was surprised as well. Emboldened, he went on, “I was going to sneak up to the back of the castle and throw a rock at the window of your little workshop-”

“Awww-uh-hmmmph!” Bowser pretended to cough.

“But when I got back to the alley, I found a construction crew and a few police officers. Apparently somebody in one of the apartments had seen someone- me- climb out of the well just after sundown the previous night. They filed a complaint with the police, and I guess they were really annoying about it, or threatened to sue the city or something, because they decided to fill in the well with concrete.” 

Luigi hung his head in shame. “I never even thought there might be other warp pipes in my city. Ever since we found our way back to this world, to you- it’s been one of my biggest regrets, you know? Just giving up like that. Sometimes I still wonder how different things might have been if I hadn’t.”

“Luigi…” Bowser said, trailing off. “You really… n-no apologies necessary. You didn’t know better.” He sounded as sincere as he ever had.

“Heh, thanks.” Luigi smiled.

The silence returned, more comfortable this time. Luigi let it linger for a moment. Bowser seemed mollified. It felt like the two of them had come to an understanding of sorts.

It was Bowser who broke it, in a tone that was most likely meant to sound nonchalant. “You wanna know one of my biggest regrets?”

“Hmm?” Luigi asked. He’d been thinking about that giggle. He never thought Bowser was capable of being cute . “Sure?”

“Not kissing you when you asked me to.” Bowser’s voice was low and quiet. Carefully devoid of strong emotion.

Luigi’s brain froze over, completely. So did his arms. His legs, his shoulders. In a single moment it seemed that all the heat in his body had migrated to the surface of his skin. Slowly, a thought chipped through the wall of ice to reach Luigi’s consciousness: Bowser hadn’t just said that, had he? Bowser had not just said that , had he???

As the ice melted, Luigi noticed the silence had taken on a different texture. This time, Bowser was waiting for a response. What the hell was Luigi supposed to say to that? What did Bowser mean by that? What was he expecting to happen ? 

…Did Luigi want something to happen? 

No! Absolutely not! And Bowser was still in love with Princess Peach, after all. They’d just rescued her from his clutches. He wasn’t coming on to Luigi. He was just reminiscing! Wasn’t that what they’d been doing this whole time? It had just caught him off guard. He hadn’t realized Bowser was… that Bowser had a crush on him, too. Back then. Back! Then! It was just surprising! He was Luigi! Everything startled him! He was just a little startled right now. Everything was fine and he needed to fucking say something right now!

Despite his worries, that brief flash of panic had taken him all of five seconds to process. Armed with the certainty that Bowser was NOT flirting with him, he managed an almost-natural sounding giggle. “Do you remember how I asked you? I’d probably have been concerned if you responded positively to an approach like that.” Bowser laughed back, that light-ish chuckle Luigi wasn’t used to. “Anyway, it would have been terrible. I was not a good kisser back then.”

“Well, obviously THAT goes without saying. We were teenagers. I thought you were supposed to start by sticking your tongue out, before you even got close, and just… forcing it through the other person’s lips.”

“Oh. Oh, dear,” Luigi pictured it, and couldn’t help giggling again. “We might have actually had compatible approaches. I thought you were supposed to start with your mouth open, as far as it could go. My first kiss was more like I was sucking on the girl’s nose.”

It was a moment before Bowser spoke. “Well, either way, you woulda been a more sympathetic first kiss than the girl who eventually got mine,” he grumbled.

“I would have been…?” Stop, before he gets the wrong idea. “What girl was this?” Fantastic, sounding jealous is much better.

“Daughter of a rival clan of noblekoops. It was like an… arranged marriage, sort of.

“Oh.” Luigi said. “So is Junior…”

“Huh? Oh! No! No, no, no! We were only married for a few minutes! Turned out Pops just agreed to it to get all the rest of the noble families in one place.”

“Oh?”

“So he could slaughter them.”

“...Oh.”

“Honestly that kiss was so awkward I was kinda grateful there weren’t any witnesses.”

“...Sure?”

“What’s with the tone!”

“Nothing! Nothing. It explains why you call yourself a kingdom, at least. I always thought you ran it more like an empire.”

“Yeah, that's Pops' fault. First Emperor Wart the Merciless. He thought he was a big history-maker. The stuffy titles were gone on Day One of my rule.” Bowser snickered evilly. “And we’re a generation away from the end of absolute rulers.”

Eyebrow raised, Luigi asked, “What do you mean by that?”

“Have you ever noticed that my kids are the only Koopas in the kingdom with spikes on their shells?”

“Well, they’re your kids, right?”

“They’re all adopted. ‘Cept for Junior.”

Luigi’s other eyebrow went up. “Wowie. Seriously? They all look so much like you! Well, more like you than other Koopas.”

“Nobility are a lot like cockroaches, it turns out,” Bowser said. “You can’t stamp ‘em out completely. I scoured the kingdom to find the survivors of Pops’ massacre of the noble bloodlines and came up with those seven. And thank the stars I did. Wart had a long reign. After all the civil wars and honor killings, most of the country looked at spike-shells like a bad omen. I found Ludwig begging on the outskirts of the capital. He was two . And Morton -” He stopped as his voice began to waver.

Luigi decided that Bowser probably wanted him to ignore it. “So, you took them in, as part of a plan to dismantle your father’s empire?” he prompted.

“Right.” Bowser composed himself, and went on, “As soon as they’re all old enough, I’m splitting the kingdom into districts, giving them each their own castle and full governing power second only to the throne. When Junior’s ready to lead, he’ll have a proper council of lords to help him, not an all-powerful yes-man and his nagging older sister.” Despite the insults, his voice went soft when he spoke of Kamek and Kammy. “And on the day I abdicate to retire- to my private floating death fortress where I can support my children’s conquests with heavy artillery- I will stand in the doors of this castle for the last time and say one last resounding ‘FUCK. YOU. DAD.’ GWAHAHAHA!”

Luigi tried to laugh along. He didn’t know if Bowser heard over his own guffaw. “You’re framing it like you’re just getting back at your father, but all I hear is a good dad trying to be sure his kids’ futures are as secure as he can make them.”

“Yeah, well,” Bowser grumbled, suddenly self-conscious, “It’s all ‘cuz you taught me that dads shouldn’t be assholes to their kids.”

“I couldn’t completely change who you were in three days,” Luigi said. He stepped closer. “You’ve always been a caring person.”

“Hey! None of that! You tryin’ to start something?” the royal koopa exclaimed in an offended tone of voice that Luigi was about 75% sure was an act.

“I’m serious! I like the caring Bowser! Why haven’t I seen more of him these past eight years?”

Slow and sullen, he replied, “He thought he killed the first friend he cared about and learned not to let it show.”

“Oh, Bowser…” Luigi’s heart twisted in his chest. He held out his hand. “Gimme a second, I want to look you in the eye…” Power flickered in his palm. He didn’t bother with the snap and just let it rip when it was ready. Bowser was watching him intently as he took a few steps forward and looked up into those big red eyes. “I really am sorry about not saying anything. That was very wrong of me. I wish I could make it up to you.” He scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “To tell you the truth, I guess, after everything that happened, I kinda thought that you might end up-”

“Do you wanna make out?” Bowser’s expression didn’t change.

Luigi’s expression did. He blushed to his roots as he exclaimed, “WHAT?”

A small smirk. “You seemed embarrassed about that before. Now we’re even.”

“Oh,” Luigi sighed and smiled in relief. “Well, uh, thank you for the offer, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet,” he said, repeating Bowser’s response from sixteen years ago.

Bowser’s smirk became a crooked grin. “But seriously, would you kiss me?”

Luigi’s expression went back to shocked. “I- y-you… I- k-k-k-”

“Just once. To make it up to me.”

The lightning went out again as Luigi stuttered, “Wh-wh-why d-do you w-wa-want that?”

“I wasn’t kidding when I said not kissing you was one of my biggest regrets. I’ve spent so many years wondering what it would have been like. Now that we might die soon, I want to know.” A second later, he added, “It sounds like you were pretty curious, too.”

“I- well, I mean, yeah , I was the one who asked you , but- sure, I thought about it a lot when I was a kid , but-” Luigi’s brain caught up with the rest of Bowser’s words. “What do you mean, ‘we might die soon’?”

“Kamek hasn’t dug us out yet,” Bowser said grimly. “He should have been able to reach us ages ago. I’m startin’ to get worried something happened to him when the room collapsed. And if that’s the case, our chances of surviving this go way down. You didn’t see any airholes, did you?”

Luigi had been so caught up, he’d almost forgotten their situation. He practically felt himself shrink as the weight of the predicament settled back onto his shoulders. “M-maybe Kamek can’t help us, b-but M-M-Mario’s out there, too. He w-wouldn’t stop digging until he saved me.”

“Maybe they haven’t come to get us because they’re fighting each other,” Bowser mused. “But even if your brother won, would he know how to shift the rubble without collapsing this little cave on us?”

“He would,” Luigi said, but he knew it sounded weak.

“Please, Luigi.” Bowser spoke softly. “Just one kiss, before we go?”

“S-stop talking like that! We’re not going to die!” Luigi shouted. “If I kiss you, will you stop being such a pessimist!”

Bowser seemed to hesitate before responding, “Do you… want to kiss me?”

Luigi blushed for the umpteenth time. “I… I already admitted that I was curious too.” He took another tentative step forward. “Just one kiss, though.”

“One kiss.”

“And no tongue. We are NOT making out.”

“Aw, really?”

“Bowser…”

“One kiss. No tongue. Promise.”

Luigi took one more step forward. He could feel Bowser’s body heat nearby. In the dark, a large paw found his shoulder and caressed it. He put a hand out and found Bowser’s fleshy jaw. He ran it down his face and neck until he could brace himself on smooth plastron.

“I can’t see you in the dark,” Luigi warned.

“Don’t worry,” Bowser said. “I won’t miss.”

Time seemed to slow down. In the perfect stillness of the moment, Luigi was suddenly acutely aware of the sound of his breathing. Bowser’s too. Everything, in fact, suddenly seemed louder. The rustling of his clothes as he leaned in, the clicks and clacks of rubble settling, even the distant gloop gloop of the castle’s flowing lava was-

When had he started hearing the lava?

Suddenly he felt pressure on his hand as Bowser abruptly jerked forward. He automatically jumped backwards a little as he pushed Bowser back. “Whoa! Hey, I said we’re not doing that!”

“It-it’s not me, I-” Bowser sounded strained, then appeared to realize something. “Oh, fucking- not NOW!”

Out of nowhere, Luigi’s Luigi senses started going nuts. Trusting his instincts, he hopped to the side of the cave and hugged the rubble as Bowser was dislodged from the corner with a violent POP! Faint light immediately followed, in which he could see the Koopa King do two full somersaults before splatting onto the wall, Vitruvian Bowser-style. Luigi closed his eyes and braced for the collapse-

…which didn’t happen.

Luigi opened his eyes. Where Bowser had been sitting was a round hole just small enough to have been neatly blocked by his shell. Dim red light filtered into the small cave, and silhouetted in that light was-

“Fratellino!!!” Mario ran forward and scooped up his brother in a crushing bear hug. “I was so worried about you!”

“Mario?” Luigi felt tears of relief gather in his eyes. “Maaarriooooo!” he cried as he clutched at his beloved twin.

Mario gently out Luigi down without breaking the hug. “Hey, heeyyy , I gotcha bro, that tartaruga can’t threaten you anymore. How are ya doing? Are you hurt at all?”

Luigi calmed down as Mario gently rubbed his back. “J-just a scratch and a headache. And it wasn’t B-bowser I was scar-”

“Ugh, Mario ,” grumbled a voice behind him. He turned to see Bowser, sitting against the wall, with a scowl that looked much more at home on his face than any of the expressions Luigi had been seeing intermittently for the past few minutes. “ Always Mario. Where’s Kamek ?”

Mario pulled back from Luigi to scowl at Bowser. “Your insane lackey is right behind me, jackass. Why do you always feel the need to start destroying your own tacky castles? Think of your poor overworked construction crews, if the safety of the so-called love of your life and my brother aren’t a priority!”

“I SAVED your brother from falling rocks, jackass!” Bowser snarled back. “Maybe I was a little too enthusiastic, but a tiny bump on the head is still better than a split skull!”

Luigi turned back to Bowser. “You didn’t say the bump on my head was your fault,” he said slowly.

Bowser started slightly and rubbed the back of his own head. “Yeah, well, now you know why I was apologizing so much,” he muttered.

“Ha!” Mario laughed without humor. “You apologized ? Did you get hit in the head?”

“No, but hold on, that doesn’t make-” Luigi began. 

“Are you okay, Lord Bowser!” Kamek bustled into the cave and started fussing over Bowser.

Mario pulled Luigi to the side and pointed accusingly. “ That guy is crazy , Luigi. First he traps you two in a dome of rubble, then another dome made of weird black stuff, then he tried to drag me and the Princess back to the Mushroom Kingdom though a portal. Peach is already home, by the way.”

“A dome? We… weren’t trapped under a mountain of rubble?” Luigi asked.

“No? It was only the ceiling that fell in,” Mario said.

“WE WEREN’T BURIED!?” Bowser roared. “KAMEK! EXPLAIN YOURSELF! RIGHT NOW!” his voice climbed in pitch with each exclamation mark. It almost sounded like he was… nervous?

“I… I was possessed!” Kamek declared dramatically. “By a mysterious magical orb which I had procured to power you up, Your Perniciousness.” He waved his arms and wailed, “But it was curséd! By a most dreadfully malfeasant spirit which drove me to such awful mischief! My…” his beak twisted slightly, “ p-praise ,” his face wrinkled, “to Mario, for…" he shuddered and grimaced, "beating it out of me.”

Mario narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t see anything like that while I was kicking you,” he said. “Luigi, something weird is going on. It’s not just Kamek. Peach said Bowser didn’t visit her at all while she was waiting for us. The only time she saw him was when she was brought in and when we came to rescue her.”

“I- I was cultivating an air of detachment! To make her want me more!” Bowser tried to stand and hit his head on the cave ceiling. He fell back on his tail and groaned, “Thanks for ruining my momentum.”

Mario ignored this and went on, “Apparently Bowser only said one thing to her the whole time she was here, Luigi: ‘You sit tight, and wait for your savior, Princess, while I-’.”

“While I what?” Luigi asked, lips pursed in thought.

“I don’t know, that’s when Mr. Magic over there went berserk. Still didn’t see any magical orbs, by the way,” the red plumber called to the Magikoopa.

“Silence, you impertinent buffoon!” Kamek hissed.

While they traded barbs, Luigi thought. It was hard, through the headache. He looked at Bowser, still rubbing his head. A crack had appeared in the ceiling where he’d hit it and light was coming through. Their cave really was just a shell of rock. 

He looked at the entrance Mario had come through. It didn’t look like a hole that had been smashed through a wall of stone, it was perfectly round, with rubble packed tight around it. It looked like a door that had been there the whole time, if only Bowser hadn’t accidentally blocked it with his shell. 

Accidentally?

His shell. He hadn’t spent the whole collapse in his shell. He’d saved Luigi from the falling stone. And lied about it, for some reason.

What had Peach said Bowser said to her? “You wait for your savior, while I-” wait for mine?

You saved me from that monster, Luigi.

That sonuvabitch…

“You sonuvabitch,” he said quietly.

Bowser looked up and cracked an eye, “Huh? Greenie, you say somethin’-”

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Luigi shouted at Bowser. “This was a kidnapping, wasn’t it!”

Bowser blinked and sat up straighter, “Huh? Uh, yeah it was a kidnapping. You rescued the princess less than half an hour ago. Dude, how bad was that bump-”

“Shut up!” Luigi yelled. “You know what I’m talking about! Peach wasn’t the victim! She was the bait . For me. You kidnapped me!”

Bowser’s eyes darted around frantically, as though looking for a distraction. He found none. Mario and Kamek were both silent, lost for words as they goggled at the furious Luigi. “I… I didn’t kidnap you! Your brother was ten feet away! He was practically chaperoning!”

“So you admit this was on purpose!”

“YES! I mean, NO! I mean-” Bowser babbled.

“I can’t believe it,” Luigi muttered. “I can’t fucking believe it. This whole time I’ve been feeling bad for you, thinking you might actually still be decent somewhere deep down, when this whole goddamn time you were fucking Peaching me!”

“No! No no no nononono!” Bowser said frantically, holding up his palms and shaking them from side to side. “This wasn’t anything like Peach! I needed to know how you felt about me, and you weren’t saying anything, and-”

“You’re right.” Luigi said. “This is worse than what you normally do. At least when you kidnap Peach you’re upfront about it! But you lied to me! You made me think we were going to die. This whole time I thought you actually cared, but you were just manipulating me!”

“I DO care!” Bowser screamed. “I did all this because of how MUCH I care about you!”

“Oh my god.” Luigi’s face fell as he realized he was in exactly the position he’d always been afraid of ending up in. He put his head in his hands. “Oh my god oh my god oh my ghhYYYYHAAAHHHH!!” He ran his hands over his face and through his hair as he screamed through his teeth, whipped his head up and stared at Bowser with a manic smile that didn’t reach his furious eyes. “You want to know the real reason why I never said anything to you, Bowser? It’s because of shit like this ,” he swept his arms around in an expansive gesture to their surroundings. “Because this is the kind of shit you pull when you like someone. No meeting up in a cafe, no- no walk in the park! No, the first idea that comes to your mind when you want to be alone with someone is to just fucking grab them and damn the consequences!”

“I- I’m sorry you got hurt!” Bowser stuttered slightly as he said it. “I just… My feelings for you were so-”

“You know how normal people express their feelings?” Luigi demanded. “Flowers! Candy! Love notes! Not...  head injuries ! Not traumatizing someone into ki-” he cut himself off, distantly aware that they still had an audience.

“I- I- I’m s-” Bowser’s face was a mask. He looked totally devastated. He looked small and alone and afraid. He looked like-

He looked like something Luigi really didn’t need to see right now. “You hurt me today, Bowser. And I’m not talking about my head. Goodbye.” He looked at Mario, who was staring with his jaw slack. “Let’s go, bro.”

“Hold on, what the hell was all of that!” Mario exclaimed. “What did you mean when you said-”

“Later, Mario, please,” Luigi said tiredly. He took a step towards the exit. “I need a shower. Maybe two.”

“W-w-wait!” A pathetic voice rang out. “NO! Come BACK, Lucifer! I can’t LOSE you again!”

And Luigi stopped. He didn’t understand why. He’d been abused, deceived… practically assaulted by the owner of that voice. He’d probably been the one to put him upside-down against the wall, too. He could have actually done permanent damage with this little stunt.

And yet, when he spoke like that, all Luigi could see was an awkward, goofy beanpole of a Koopa, sitting alone in his room for days at a time, waiting for a savior that couldn’t come back…

He didn’t know if it was that koopa he turned around for, or if he was doing it for the confused little boy who was inspired to save money to take a mechanical engineering course at CUNY, and also spent way too much of his free time imagining the best angle to approach and kiss a muzzle that was twice as large as his mouth.

It definitely wasn’t for the benefit of either of their present selves that he marched straight up to Bowser, climbed onto his lap, braced his arms against his shoulders, leaned in, and pressed his lips roughly to that same muzzle.

He wished he could honestly say that he hadn’t updated his calculations since seeing the adult version, but he absolutely had. His lips fit perfectly against Bowser’s. He worked them slowly, leveraging an opening for his tongue to dart in and play around Bowser’s inner lips and fangs. He tasted just a little ashy, but not like a smoker. More like smoked meat. He could just barely get in far enough to brush the man’s own unresponsive tongue. He was probably too surprised to respond. 

Luigi decided that was a good thing. If he had actually kissed back, he might not have had the resolve to pull away. He did so now, blushing as he looked at Bowser’s face. It was frozen in disbelief. However, glacially slow, his features began to shift. Luigi could see a smug smile threatening to overtake everything else…

He slapped Bowser as hard as he could. Then again with the other hand. He waited until Bowser’s shocked eyes met his again to say, as sternly as he could manage with his lips tingling like that, “And that … is what you’re missing… until you STOP BEING A FUCKING CREEP!” He jumped off Bowser’s lap harder than necessary and landed next to his brother, who was looking ten times as shocked as Bowser. “Alright, we can go.”

“Wait! WaitwaitWAIT! Hold the fuck on!” Mario shouted. “Forget about later, you’re gonna tell me what the fuck is going on RIGHT NOW! What happened while you were alone in here? Why did he call you Lucifer? WHY DID YOU JUST KISS BOWSER!?”

Luigi sighed and put his arm around his brother’s shoulder as he steered him towards the hole’s exit. He wasn’t going to spend any more time in Bowser’s Castle than he had to. “Okay, you remember how I ran away for a weekend, that one time we were teenagers? What actually happened…”

Their voices trailed off. Kamek, forgotten in the ruckus, looked at his king. Bowser was rubbing his jaw, a thoughtful expression on his monstrous features. “My apologies, Lord Bowser. I could not delay Mario for long enough. I take full responsibility for the plan’s failure.”

“No,” Bowser sighed. “Nothing ever stops that red pain in the neck when I’m about to seal the deal. And it was a stupid plan to begin with…” he slumped where he sat, dejection in every line of his body.

“Did you at least… get some answers, Your Graciousness?”

“I did…” Bowser said, slowly raising his head. “And I think I already got the beginnings of the next big plan hatchin’ up here.” He tapped it with a claw.

Kamek was taken aback. “So soon, Lord Bowser? Should we not give him some time to cool down?”

“Can’t give ‘em time to forget about you, Kamek,” Bowser said. “Strike while the iron’s hot!” He grinned. “And my man is hot when he’s angry.” 

“Of course, Your Hastiness, but… how will you stop him from being angry?”

“That’s easy. Luigi made himself very clear. He wants to be wooed, and he deserves the very best. So!” Bowser clapped his hands and rubbed them together eagerly. “First thing’s first: flowers!”

Notes:

I'm a sucker for the "our chance encounter in childhood dictated the entire trajectory of both of our adult lives" trope.

A few bits of lore from the cutting-room floor:

Mama Mario didn't uninvite Tito from Thanksgiving, but she did force Luigi to make the pies that year, 'to get your mind offa that grim music you listen to," and casually let this fact be known around the family. When he heard who would be responsible for his beloved lemon meringue, Tito uninvited himself. Luigi never figured it out, but Bowser admires Mama's diplomacy.

Bowser's Fury was a month ago here. He's actually known about the Ultra-Powerful Black Goop of Undisclosed Origin and Purpose for years, but wasn't actually stupid enough to try and use it to conquer the world until it finally hit him that, while he definitely hadn't killed his teen crush, said crush didn't care or disliked him enough to spend eight years pretending he didn't know him. He got a little frantic.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Summary:

Luigi visits the castle to get the Princess' advice on how to deal with Bowser. She is of limited assistance. To Luigi.

Notes:

I wasn't planning on continuing this very silly story, but some people seemed interested in seeing more, and I had half an idea. While I’m not entirely happy with the direction it took, it did give me an excuse to write for Princess Peach, who I love. She's such a consistent, well-realized character in the games. I could gush about it for pages.

Thank you for all of the kudos and comments. I'm absolutely terrible at receiving compliments (and giving them, come to think of it), but I deeply appreciate everyone who enjoys what I make enough to tell me so.

I don't know if I'll add any more to this. I don't have any more idea-pieces and I'm not sure I like the dynamic I’ve given Bowser and Luigi for a long-term relationship.

“... and that’s roughly it,” Luigi concluded, setting down the pale pink teacup as delicately as he could, “from sixteen years ago to last week.”

“Oh, dear,” Princess Peach said, showing no more surprise than was polite. It was difficult. She was very, very surprised. Only years of dry etiquette training kept her face from betraying the lingering shock from Luigi’s tale. “I suppose… this explains a few things…”

“It explains everything , Princess,” he put his chin in his hand and stared gloomily into his half-empty cup. There was a delicate band of deep pink glaze around the inside patterned with stylized red rosebuds. Their tiny green leaves stood out against the reds and pinks surrounding them. Easy to target. He muttered, “The spikes, the attitude, the attachment issues, it’s all my fault he’s like this.”

Peach resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Only Luigi. “I think it’s very clear who the villain of that story is. King Wart was insane and a tyrant. To be frank, I’ve always wondered how Bowser didn’t grow up to be worse than he did. From what you’ve told me, I think it’s fair to say you played a significant role in steering him off the trajectory his father had planned for him.”

“But what did I replace it with? God, how did it never click that he was just an overgrown moody teenager? I used to be scared of that!”

Peach stifled a small snort. ‘Moody teenager’ was an accurate descriptor, especially when Bowser was in lovesick mode. “And how do you feel now?” she coaxed gently.

“Now? Now I just feel… bad for him. I was at my worst, when we met, and he liked me anyway, and then I just abandoned him, apparently leaving him with the lesson that you can face down monsters with nothing but backtalk.” From his hands, where his face was buried, he muttered, “I should have gone back for him.”

“Based on your story, that wasn’t an option,” the princess said patiently.

His face shot back up. “Then I should have been more careful leaving the well! Or I should have found the pipe that Mario and I found eight years ago!”
“The one that broke as soon as you fell through it?”

He bristled. “M-Maybe it wasn’t so busted back then!”

“Even so, you would have arrived here in the Mushroom Kingdom, not the Darklands. You know exactly what a trek from one to the other on foot looks like. Could you have made that hike as a child? Not to mention, if you happened to be brought before my father or me, I guarantee that we would not have allowed you to attempt the journey, especially if we knew your goal was to visit Wart’s son.”

“Still,-”

“No, Luigi,” Peach said firmly. “No ‘still.’ You are you, and Bowser is Bowser, and the events in your lives occurred in the only way they possibly could have. You are not singlehandedly responsible for every twist and turn his personality has taken over the years, especially after such a short period of acquaintance.” She softened a bit. “ I certainly don’t blame you for all the things Bowser has done, so please, stop searching for a way to blame yourself.”

Luigi looked up at the Princess, eyes wide and tender. “I… guess you’re right,” he slowly admitted. “Um, thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome,” she gave him a gentle smile. “At any rate, when I said that your story explained a few things, I was only referring to some compliments I’ve received in the past. Bowser would occasionally compare my eyes to those of his first love. I had no idea this ‘Lucifer’ he gushed over was you, Luigi.” The smile became more playful. “Now that I do know, I’m quite flattered by the comparison.”

Luigi had never had etiquette training. He groaned, once at the words “first love” and again, much louder, at “Lucifer.” As he groaned, he turned his head up, covered his eyes with his forearms, and slid halfway down his chair. “Ple-heaaase don’t call me thaaat,” he whined.

Peach closed her eyes and dabbed at her lips with a napkin as she took a small breath. She respected the younger Mario a great deal, but she had very little patience with his occasional penchant for whining. A bit stiffer, she went on, “I looked it up once, in our Encyclopedia of the Human World. It’s a name for the last and brightest star to fade in the morning sun. It’s a lovely name.”

Luigi chuckled with very little humor. “Your encyclopedia needs some additional context.”

She relented. He was clearly distraught. And Peach knew, from personal experience, that he had very good reasons to be distraught. She cast about for a bright spot. “Tell me, how has Mario been handling all of this?”

The next chuckle was genuine. Luigi uncovered his eyes as he said, “How d’you think? He passed up on the chance to visit with me today. You know he’d never miss seeing you if he thought he could help it.”

Peach looked down into her teacup and sipped to hide her slight blush. She smiled as she lowered it. “I see,” she said shyly, then continued, “and what urgent matter is occupying his time instead?”

Luigi sat up. “Guess.”

Princess Peach put on an overly serious expression and pretended to think. 

“And ‘Bowser-proofing the cottage’ isn’t specific enough.”

She wrinkled her nose, “Boo.”

“I have to make it a little hard for you,” he shrugged.

“Let me see…” she tapped her chin with a finger. “I would guess, he’s either rigging up an elaborate system of alarms around your property, or sitting at his workstation obsessively iterating on designs for some kind of Bowser-Trap.”

Luigi smiled. “He’s already had to go out twice for more drafting paper. The Koopalarms, on the other hand,” he added with a breezy wave of his hand, “have been up and running for a coupl’a days now. So far he’s run out screaming bloody murder at: the mailkoop, my favorite traveling teaseller, and our new neighbors, the Shellstons, who had brought us a pie. A pie which was thrown up in the panic and promptly turned Mrs. Shellston into a kart-racer’s worst nightmare."

Peach giggled, “Truly, I was only going to guess blueprints, I don’t know why I hedged my bets. I’m assuming you took it upon yourself to make the Shellstons another pie?”

“Oh, I made it, but Mario’s the ‘patz who’s gotta give it to them and apologize. It’s his favorite, too. I hope they don’t offer him any,” he said fiercely. Then he sighed and the fight went out of him. “I keep telling him that it’s not that big of a deal.” And Mario not believing that is making it very hard for me to believe it, was left hanging in the air just below vocalization. 

“It really isn’t,” Peach tried to reassure him. “It’s more of an… occasional annoyance, than anything.”

Luigi sighed ruefully. “I’d still hoped to avoid this particular ‘annoyance.’ I don’t know how you deal with it, knowing it could just… happen, at any given time.”

“I ignore it,” Peach said firmly. “Worrying yourself into a nervous wreck won’t change anything. And you can tell Mario I said as much.” She got the smile she was hoping for, though it was small. “That’s the other thing that keeps me from worrying too much. As long as Mario’s around, I know I won’t be… annoyed for very long.” Luigi’s smile grew with her own. 

“You’re right… Of course you are.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “And this is good. This is part of why I asked to visit with you today. You’re the expert, after all.”

“My hard-earned expertise in the field of being kidnapped is at your disposal,” Peach steepled her fingers under her chin with a sage expression. “What is it that you wish to know, my pupil?”

Luigi flashed her another, more nervous smile, before his eyes slid to the side. He rubbed the back of his head and said, awkwardly, “Well, uh… I guess, just, what can I expect… roughly?”

Peach smiled, “A proper guest room, for one. The cage is only for when someone shows up for a rescue.”

“That’s a relief, at least.”

“Mine was very… personalized. I’m sure you’ll get your own, as well.”

“Yeesh. I hope he doesn’t go by my tastes when I was 14.”

“And he’ll never hurt or force himself on you. He insists upon consent; sexually, at least.” She paused, before going on, “Manipulation and coercion are not off the table, however, as you’ve learned firsthand.”

“What an exciting definition of ‘consent,’” was Luigi’s sardonic response. “It’s so flexible.”

“Well, he is Bowser,” she said matter-of-factly, and took another sip of tea.

“Maybe he wouldn’t have been if only I’d…” Luigi muttered, just low enough that Peach couldn’t politely admit to hearing him. He raised his head and looked her in the eye. “So… is there anything I can do…? To… discourage him, or-”

“If there is, I’ve yet to come across it, and not for lack of trying, either,” the Princess replied mournfully. “The best you can do is to not actively encourage him. State your boundaries clearly and stand your ground when he challenges or ignores them. Make it clear that you do not want anything to happen.” and here she stopped and focused on Luigi’s face. Pretending it had just occurred to her, she added, “You… don’t want anything to happen, correct?”

He immediately went a few shades pinker than the teacups. “Wh-whaat?” he sputtered, his eyes darting around the room. “No! Of course no- what would make you think I would ever want Bowser to- I mean, he almost gave me a concussion last week! Why-”

Peach held up a hand in mercy. “I only ask because… you did mention that you had a mutual crush when you were younger.”

“When I was younger , not now . Not when he’s like… that , I mean…! And-”

“Of course, of course… but… please, Luigi, I still don’t quite understand, perhaps you can explain it to me… why exactly did you kiss him?”

“I…” Now Luigi’s blush was pinker than the trim on the inside of the teacups, rapidly approaching rose-red. “I also slapped him, you know!”

“Yes. That’s normal. That’s what I would have expected to happen. The abnormality is the kiss. Please explain the kiss.” Peach’s gaze was level, calm, gentle. It rammed into Luigi’s darting eyes like a freight train.

Finally reaching a true scarlet blush, he looked away and mumbled out, “he just sounded so pathetic, you know?”

“I have heard Bowser’s pathetic voice many times before,” The princess said, slowly, as though to herself. “It‘s never compelled me to kiss him.”

“Well, you didn’t hear it when you were just a kid,” The mumble became a grumble, though he still wouldn’t meet her eyes, and he still looked like a steamed lobster. The Princess had her answer. She saw no reason to continue torturing the poor man.

“In fact I did,” Peach told him. “My father and I attended the first half of the first day of Bowser’s coronation party just a few months after my fifteenth birthday. He gave quite a heartfelt speech to open the festivities. He even teared up apologizing to all of the unfortunate souls who did not survive his father’s reign of terror to see him end it.”

Luigi looked up as his face slowly desanguinated. “Awww, that’s so sweet! Why can’t he be like that more often- wait, why only the first half of the first day?”

“It was… a very… exuberant celebration,” she said carefully. “Understandably, the Darklands’ population, and Bowser himself, were all giddy from relief. I think my father saw something that unsettled him in the crowd as the party began to escalate, because he bustled me out of the ballroom very suddenly.”

“He did say it was a wild time…” Luigi said, half to himself.

“Indeed. We were told that only the Jungle Kingdom diplomats were able to survive the full week, and with them there was apparently a drunken altercation over some food that prevented any treaties from being signed.” Peach allowed herself to sigh, recalling a coda to this tangent that might help to drive home the point she was trying to make to her dear friend whose taste in men was apparently so much worse than his taste in women. “Several years later, when my father passed and I took the throne, Bowser hadn’t made much progress gaining allies.” 

Luigi looked at her suspiciously as she continued, “Recalling the earnest desire for change he had expressed in his coronation speech, I sent him an offer of alliance with the Mushroom Kingdom… and a small homemade cake, as a gesture of goodwill.” She sighed. “I received my first proposal a few days later.”

“See? It’s that voice! It’s too sweet to be coming out of that rugged monster’s face! You can’t help but let your guard down around it!“

“Yes, Luigi, you’re right,” the Princess said gravely, noting and ignoring the ‘rugged.’ “I felt sympathy for Bowser, I showed him kindness, and this past decade I have been given many, many reasons to regret doing so.” Luigi’s brows knit slightly. Most people wouldn’t have noticed it. Luigi probably didn’t. “I’m not saying that I completely regret being as openhearted as I was. Only that I have good reason to.” A relaxing of the brow and sideways twitch of the mustache meant ‘fair enough.’

She went on, “And on the subject of openheartedness, you, Luigi, are one of the kindest individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of calling my friend.” Luigi blushed and veiled his eyes. “If I could shield you from some of my regrets, I would, but the truth is, I have very little advice for navigating Bowser’s clumsy advances in the intention of actually pursuing a relationship with him.”

“WHAT!”

Peach ignored Luigi’s flabbergasted outburst and said, “I can give you my insights into his personality, but I doubt there’s much you don’t know already. Bowser is quite an open book.”

“Now hang on just a minute!” Luigi put his hand out in protest.

“Actually, I’d say my advice for dating Bowser is much the same as it is being kidnapped by him. Stand your ground, set boundaries. And restate them when Bowser inevitably fails to respect them.” She tilted her head and tapped her chin thoughtfully with a silk-gloved finger. “It’s possible that actually reciprocating his affections might make it easier to convince him to curb some of his worse ‘romantic’ impulses.”

“At no point in this entire conversation -” Luigi brought the pointer fingers of both hands together and slowly pulled them far apart for emphasis.

“Of course, we know that relationships built around one partner fixing the other rarely work out, but if Bowser truly cares enough to attempt change, I can honestly think of nobody more suited to the task.”

“-because no matter what we might have been as teenagers, we are different people now. There’s absolutely no guarantee we’d even-” Luigi moved as though lifting an imaginary box from his left and setting it down on his right, presumably to illustrate the immense gulf of time between himself and Bowser as teenagers compared to them now.

“That being said, your patience and your selflessness also put you at risk of being taken advantage of. You need to remember to check in with yourself, and make sure you’re with him because you want to be, not because you feel obligated to him.”

“And it’s not like his crimes stop at kidnapping! He’s a violent expansionist plunderer! The idea that I could even consider getting romantically involved with him, it- it- it’s- I mean, it’s- I…” Luigi finally ran out of steam. He seemed to recall where he was.

She took another sip of tea while regarding him coolly. “I know you have a weakness for grand romantic gestures. Those are Bowser’s specialty. Don’t allow yourself to be swept up or distracted, remember your boundaries. And be prepared for a lot of work.” She set the empty teacup down. “I don’t have a problem with work. Work is good for you. But you need to love it, Luigi. You must be constantly reevaluating whether the joy you get from your work is worth the time and energy it takes to go through it. Sometimes we don’t get a choice in the work we must do, but in a relationship, that choice is always there. Don’t forget about it.”

Luigi drew in a breath, looking like he was about to start ranting again. Then he closed his eyes, held it, and let it out in a long, slow sigh. He pressed his palms before his lips, then leveled them at Peach as he spoke, “Princess, I… appreciate that you are trying to help me, but this is not going to happen. Bowser doesn’t love me, he loves the moody teenager that tried way too hard to make ‘sad’ look like ‘edgy.’” His hands found their way into his lap. He looked down at them, thumbs twiddling absently. “Everything else aside, and that is a lot of everything to put aside… I’m not you , you know? This is going to be two or three kidnappings, tops, before he gets tired of me.”

Peach smiled sweetly. “Would you believe I had a similar timeline in mind for you and Bowser?”

“Huh? What was all that about starting a relationship?”

“My timeline is measuring how long it will take you to admit your feelings for him.”

“Did you not hear a word I was saying!?”

“I’m sorry, dear, I was rather distracted. Your face was so red as you spoke, I was considering whether to send out for a doctor.”

Luigi pouted. “That was out of frustration.”

Peach twinkled her eyes back at him. “I never claimed it was anything else.”

“I… you…dj’ughhh,” Luigi crossed his arms and looked away. “It’s never gonna happen,” he muttered resolutely, apparently to himself.

Peach giggled. “One other thing I should probably warn you about, expect him to turn up sooner rather than later. Bowser’s plans weren’t always such elaborate affairs, with months of planning in between. Back when he still thought there was a chance of ‘wearing me down,’ as he described it, he would scoop me up for dates practically every other week-”

With the sort of timing that frequently accompanied Peach’s conversations with either Mario brother, a Toad guard burst into the small tower solar Peach and Luigi were taking tea in. They were clearly terrified, their shiny decorative shield and spear were clattering against each other in their shaking hands. “P-p-p-p-Princess! Uh, uh, Honored Guest! I-i-it’s B-Buh-BOWSER!” After a second, it added, “I think!”

Peach and Luigi unfroze. Peach gave the Toad a very small frown while Luigi’s face displayed the exasperation she was hiding. “Bowser is not someone anybody would mistake, guardsshroom,” she said. Her tone chilly, she added, “Certainly nobody employed as a guard in this castle.”

The Toad gulped, suddenly more afraid of their Princess than the uncertain Bowser. “M-my apologies, your h-highness! It-it’s, it was almost the right shape for one of Bowser’s airships and the engines sounded the same, but it looked… weird! Like it was-”

They all became aware of a soft shwpshwpshwp noise coming from the small open doorway to the balcony at the other end of the room. It grew louder and louder until there was a slight breeze rustling the curtains that framed the empty arch. There was a brief screech of feedback, then, unmistakable even through the wind and speaker static, Bowser’s voice raised in a cheerful bellow. “I HAVE COME FOR YOU, MY LOVE!”

Luigi abruptly raised his hitherto-disregarded tea and tossed it back like a shot. He set the cup down with a thunk that made Peach wince for her new china. With a determined expression on his face, he got up from his chair. “Alright,” he sighed. “Let’s do this,” and turned to head for the balcony. 

The Toad also turned, for the door, but Peach hurried to stop them, with a gentle hand on their cap. “Hold a moment, guardsshroom.” She leaned down to whisper, “Tell your captain I said to give the order to stand down.”

Forgetting themselves, they goggled at Peach like she’d lost her mind. With the Toad-like instinct for gossip, they whispered, “But Princess, Bowser is-”

“Not here for me,” Peach said firmly. With a quirk of the head she indicated Luigi. Upon noticing that the Princess wasn’t following him his confident facade had quickly crumbled and he was dithering at the curtains, occasionally pretending not to glance back anxiously as he waited for the Princess to finish giving her orders.

“Him?” The Toad gave Luigi a professionally brief once-over in their periphery. “ Seriously? I thought Bowser had taste !”

Peach frowned at them. “Luigi is a keeper!” she said severely. “Bowser doesn’t deserve his luck, catching the younger Mario brother’s eye!”

The Toad backed up. “O-Of course, your highness! It just kinda seems like a downgrade from- wait, that’s Mario’s brother? Won’t he-”

“I will inform him myself,” Peach said, looking them in the eye. “Spread the word. Nobody will speak of this to Mario until I have decreed they might do so.”

“U-understood, Princess!” The nervous guardsshroom rushed off to do as they were told.

Peach sighed as she stood to join Luigi on the balcony. That guard would probably keep their mouth shut, but she couldn’t glare at every Toad in the castle in the next ten minutes. She had maybe a day and a half before all of Toad Town knew. All Mario would need to do is step outside and he’d get the news from about ten random bystanders.

“Thank you for waiting for me, Luigi,” she smiled at him.

“I, wasn’t waiting, I just, wanted to make sure these curtains were drawn all the way,” he said. “You know, in case he… breathes fire through the door.”

“Of course. Well, thank you all the same. Shall we?”

Luigi sighed again. “Might as well.” They walked out onto the balcony side by side.

When they caught sight of the small airship they understood why the guards had trouble getting a definitive ID. It looked like a floating topiary, or a parade float. Flowers and greenery festooned every surface. It wasn’t haphazard either. Most of what was covering the outer hull were flowering vines, likely kept alive by magic. A lot of wisteria, hanging in fluffy bunches (Bowser refused to accept that purple and white weren’t good colors on him), cabled by bright pink bougainvillea which almost kept the whole thing in the shape of an airship, instead of a weeping purple cloud. Moonflowers wound around the bowsprit, the jacksprit, and all of the rigging. Honeysuckle clung to the masts. The sails were walls of simple green ivy. 

The decks were covered with more traditional floral arrangements; lilies, carnations, chrysanthemums… no roses, oddly, but a great deal of potted Piranha Plants in a dazzling array of colors (the stuff-spitting varieties were gently muzzled), with Goomba attendants keeping them comfortable. There was one clear, purple-carpeted path through the plants, and it led to the stateroom doors, which were flanked by rare Albino Prickly Piranhas(purple and white again).

All in all, it was quite tasteful, thought the woman who furnished every personal room in wall-to-wall pink. Luigi certainly seemed impressed, from the way his jaw was hanging. She discretely elbowed him. “I believe you told Bowser that flowers were an acceptable method of showing one’s feelings?”

He snapped out of it to hiss, “I meant, like, a small bouquet as a gift , not a theme for a kidnapping!” 

“Be grateful! This is further than he went for our wedding,” she said with false envy.

He shot her a sidelong glare. “Did you come out to back me up or just roast me? Because I’d rather get burned by Bowser’s fire breath.”

“It’s a bit too late for that, I’m afraid. He’d never burn a hair on your tender-” Peach stopped in the face of the look, though she continued to smile. “My apologies. I know you’re nervous. But you don’t need to worry. I’m not usually in this position, so I’m a little unfamiliar with my duties…” Luigi began to settle, almost placated, “... but I promise you that I will do my very best to be an effective ‘wing’ man for you, Luigi.”

“That’s not-!”

The airship had continued to adjust its position and elevation as they bickered. Now perfectly level with the balcony, Bowser chose this moment to throw the stateroom doors wide and step out onto the deck. He hadn’t gone for the full suit today. He wore a bowtie of dark purple velvet in place of his usual collar, but apart from that he had nothing but a freshly waxed shell and a little oil on his scales.

He strolled down the carpet with a regal smugness, only looking directly at Luigi and the Princess when he was as close as he could get to them. He grinned with all his teeth.”My glorious morning star! I am blessed to see your shining face!”

Luigi had been a little dazzled when he first saw the sun glinting off of Bowser’s oiled muscles, but at this he recovered with a groan. “That isn’t the only thing Lucifer means! Who wrote that encyclopedia!”

Bowser ignored his outburst and turned to Peach, presenting her with a measured, cordial smile. “What a nice surprise, running into the two of you together like this. What’s the occasion? Gossiping about me? “

Peach matched his smile, adding not an ounce more warmth than he offered her. “As a matter of fact, I was just giving Luigi a spot of advice regarding some of the challenges he can expect to face while you two are attempting this relationship.” Luigi gave a wordless cry of outrage, pinching his fingers together and shaking his hands beseechingly at the Princess.

“GWAHAHA! What challenges ?” Bowser laughed. “Everyone knows I’d lay the world at my love’s feet! Don’t go spreading jealous rumors just ‘cuz you missed your chance to ride the Bowser Train!”

“That particular train has been waiting for me to board for ten years, Bowser,” she said levelly. “I’ve asked you to remove it from my station numerous times, and I thank you for finally departing.”

Bowser gripped his chest theatrically and pretended to swoon. “Ouch! Such an ice queen!” He tutted and shook his head. “We never would have worked. How did I go so long without seeing it? I’m a spitfire,” and here he spread his arms wide and grinned at the sky like he was about to burst into song, “and I need a man with PA-SHEE-OH-NAY! ”

Peach raised an eyebrow and looked at Luigi, who gaped at Bowser with an expression that was mostly shock, a tiny bit of cringing over pronunciation, and more than a tiny bit of interest. “Uh… when, did you learn that word?”

Bowser made a pshaw -ing motion, clearly satisfied with the reaction. “Just overheard your brother flirting with the princess one time while I was sinkin’ in the lava. Dunno why it stuck with me, maybe just because the meaning was obvious.” He waggled his eyebrows at Luigi, “I’d love to learn more, a-more.”

Luigi sighed, spell broken. “When you say it like that you’re speaking French, not Italian.”

“Noted. So…”

“Don’t think you’ll be able to kidnap me without a fight!” Luigi yelped determinedly. “The Toad guards are already alerted, and me and the princess can stop you before Mario even hears about it!” His every word was slandered by Peach gesturing next to him, not that he noticed.

Bowser also seemed to have tunnel vision. His eyes never left Luigi’s face. “Kidnap? Who said I’m here to kidnap you, Green Bean?”

Peach stifled a smile at ‘green bean.’ That was a new one. It suited Luigi, who had sputtered in the face of Bowser’s query and was too busy working to catch up again to comment. “So… so why are you here then?” he asked lamely.

Bowser’s grin got a little smaller. This and a slight hitch as he took a breath to speak were all that alerted Peach to the nerves behind his bravado. “I’m here to ask if you’d like to accompany me on a lunch date to Neo Bowser City. The Empire Building Building had a brand-new extension added that makes it juuust taller than the volcanic smog. They opened a rooftop cafe and I hear it’s like being on an island in the clouds.” 

Something in Bowser’s tone as he described it made Peach think ‘brand-new’ meant ‘commissioned and built in the last week.’ She leaned over to the stunned plumber. “I did tell you it was only dates at the start.” 

“You said he scooped you up!” Luigi whispered back, to which Peach only offered another smile. Though it was still odd for the date to take place at a restaurant, rather than his castle. She wondered if it was because Bowser had matured or if Luigi had also said something about cafes when he’d told him off. Luigi looked up at Bowser, reddening as he met his eyes. “I-”

“HE BLUSHED!” Bowser cheered and punched the air. “HE’S INTO IT! POSITIONS, EVERYONE!”

“The limits of implied consent and nonverbal communication should definitely be one of the first things you bring up with him,” Peach advised Luigi.

He looked at her incredulously. “ You’re one to talk, Madame Wingman! I’m starting to think the reason you two didn’t work is because you’re tooOOOOOOOOOO-” As they bickered, the ship’s Bowser figurehead, almost lost in the riot of greenery covering the ship, had split open to reveal a comically large gloved hand at the end of a magically flexible accordion arm. In a split-second maneuver that could only tactically be described as a yoink , Luigi was scooped up, raised over the ship, and dropped into Bowser’s waiting arms, where he sat bridal style.

Bowser leaned over and smiled down into his deeply unimpressed face. “Hey Kisses.”

Luigi crossed his arms. “I distinctly remember saying you wouldn’t get any more of those if you kept acting like a creep.”

“What am I doing that’s creepy!”

A lot of things, Peach thought, though she wasn’t surprised when Luigi went with the most recent one, “You’re. Holding. Me. I didn’t ask you to.”

Bowser smirked. “So get down, then. I’m bending over, in case you didn’t notice.”

You shouldn’t have grabbed me to begin with! was how the Princess had scolded Bowser before in a similar situation. Instead of doing that, Luigi blushed again and said defensively, “I-I’m getting to it! I needed a second to recover from being manhandled !”

As Luigi swung himself into a sitting position and hopped down off of Bowser’s palm, Peach managed to catch the Koopa King’s eye for a second. She gave him an encouraging smile, then flashed an M sign with her fingers and mouthed the words, ‘You have twenty-four hours.’ Bowser rolled his eyes at her, then went back to smiling at the scowling green bean in front of him. “So, how ‘bout it? Are ya ready to go?”

Luigi sighed. “If I refuse to go with you, are you going to take me anyway?”

“Ya know, I never really plan for the refusal?” Bowser said airily. “Feels too much like askin’ for failure. I just react based on how I feel in the moment.”

Luigi grimaced. “Yeah, we’re gonna need to work on that.” With suspicion he went on, “And… this date… will be ending at-” he left it hanging.

“Your place.” Bowser said promptly. “You’ll be snoozing in yer own bed by sundown.”

“... alone, right?”

“You think your brother would let me stay over?” Bowser asked, too eager to be serious.

In spite of himself, Luigi snorted. “And you do not have a personalized room waiting for me at your castle right now?”

“Not yet ,” the Koopa promised. “I need to know more about you first. We can hash the details out over lunch if you want. Please tell me you like more than just green. I had to learn the names of more’n a hundred different shades of pink when I was making up a room for that one.” he jerked his head over at the Princess, who bristled. 

“Excuse me? I don’t recall asking for perfect color-coordination in my prison cell.”

“Guest suite!”

“Uh…” Luigi looked conflicted about something.

“What is it, Green Bean?” Bowser asked, all harshness replaced with concern.

“It’s just… uh…” he fidgeted with his hands. “I’m kind of surprised you didn’t just make a room based on what you already knew about me.”

“You mean when we were kids? Thought about it, I still have our old band posters. But… you were right, you know? When you said we’re different people now than we used to be.” Bowser smiled, “And you know what? That’s kinda exciting. ‘Cuz I turned out awesome . But everybody already knows that. I can’t wait to get to know you all over again.”

“I… oh.” It was hard to describe the expression on Luigi’s face. Maybe worry. Maybe fear. Maybe embarrassment. It wasn’t a positive expression, whatever it was. “Look, Bowser… I… I didn’t expect you to- um, this is really… I’ve… got to be honest. I don’t think this is going to go the way you want it to.”

“You haven’t actually said the word ‘no’ yet. This is already going better for me than it ever has before.”

“I’m not talking about the kid… uh, whatever this is. I’m talking about us. Me. I’m not a- It’s not just that we’ve grown up, it’s… I don’t think we have anything in common anymore.”

Bowser burst out laughing. “THAT’S what’s got your overalls in a bunch? How much did we really have in common when we were teenagers? Depression music? Spikes and the color black? Didn’t stop me from falling in love then!”

“You’ll be tired of me before we’ve even ordered our food!” Luigi insisted stubbornly.

“Huh?” Bowser seemed put out. “You think it’ll happen that fast? You think I’ll give up on you that easily? Have you met me, Luigi! I’m not some quitter !”

“Well I’m not a princess!” Luigi shouted. “I’m not Lucifer, I’m not a rock star, I’m not even enough of a hero for the Toads to remember my name! This isn’t real , Bowser! You never fell in love with me ! You fell in love with a bunch of memories of a sad little kid who, by the way, was also putting on an act! This isn’t going to go anywhere, and you’re gonna figure that out five minutes into this, so just… stop looking at me like that!”

Bowser was staring intently at Luigi, eyebrows drawn as he gazed directly into the man’s pupils. He didn’t say anything, but he took hold of both of Luigi’s hands with one massive paw and used the other to tilt his head so he couldn’t look away. “This date,” he growled finally, “is now mandatory.”

“What!” Luigi started to struggle.

“I was on the fence about letting you go if you actually refused,” Bowser explained, “but after that, you’re not going anywhere until you’ve been showered with all the affection and adoration you deserve.”

“Let- Let me go, Bowser!” Luigi struggled as Bowser picked him up again and gave the signal to shove off. “I’m not kidding, put me down!”

“Not until you take back what you said about yourself.” The airship began to pull away from the tower.

“ I’m not the problem here!” Luigi shouted. He caught sight of Peach as Bowser turned back towards the stateroom doors. As the airship rose higher and higher he shouted over the wind and engines, “Princess! Get Mario! Tell him I’m okay but I need him to be ready-”

Peach waved back with a smile, pretending not to hear him. “Have fun on your date, Luigi!”

“No! Listen, I’m telling you-” he kept shouting, but the ship was moving fast. In another few seconds he was out of earshot.

Peach watched them go for a few seconds, then turned and walked back into the solar. The teapot was still warm, so she poured herself another cup and took it with her as she walked over to a corner that was out of view of most of the room.

The Princess was a workaholic. Mario, who was also a workaholic, knew this, and had incorporated these little writing nooks into every room he could in the blueprints for the new castle. Being walled off from the rest of the world like this touched something primal in her. Like she was swaddled in her favorite childhood blanket. She sighed in gratitude as she sat at the writing desk, letting the feeling wash away all the discomfort she’d been hiding being so close to Bowser.

Toadsworth, who was very much not a workaholic, still made sure the staff kept every desk fully stocked with freshly inked pens and blank correspondence formatted to fit nearly every official and unofficial occasion, even in small rarely-used rooms like this. She took some simple lined paper out, and started to write a wedding toast. It began, “Six months ago, when Luigi first told me he kissed Bowser,” After some thought, she amended it to a year.

Once she felt her writing hand was sufficiently warmed up, she began outlining a rough draft for a peace treaty with the Darklands. Whenever that became tedious, she would go back and spend a few minutes on the toast. The first two words were crossed out and replaced many more times.

Briefly, she toyed with writing an obituary, but immediately discarded it for being a tasteless joke, not to mention inaccurate. Questionable diet aside, Mario got too much exercise to get a heart attack from a little bad news.

Thinking of Mario, Peach supposed that she really ought to inform him of Luigi’s predicament. It had happened while he was under her care, and it had… sort of, technically, ended up being a kidnapping after all. Even if Luigi was clearly interested, he’d never actually agreed to the date, and that was important.

A few lines into the letter, she realized her tea had gone cold. She stretched in her seat and yawned. Time for a quick break.

Notes:

Some folks seemed to be under the impression that Bowser had changed his ways after Luigi slapped him. But I just have too much of a soft spot for the abject failure of a manchild we know from the games to let him be that good at introspection. At least he seems eager to learn, right?