Work Text:
02/4
Greil,
The fact that I’m writing this at all is stupid. Not like any of these are going to go anywhere.
Some sort of “grief activity,” this. Writing letters to the deceased. Gatrie was the one who suggested it, because who /else/ would, but it’s a stupid idea. Why not just write in a /diary/ or something, Godssake. Why did I address this to you? I feel like an idiot.
02/20
Greil,
Gatrie found the first letter and pestered me about it nonstop. Fucking asshole. If you find this, Gatrie, I’m going to kick your chin so hard you’ll sink your bottom teeth into your brain.
I still don’t know what you’re supposed to write here. “You’re” as in the general “you,” not like /you/ “you,” because fuck me I’m terrible at this bullshit and I’m trying to clarify myself /in writing/ to a /dead man./ Again, Gatrie, if you’re reading this, I will show you what it means to find out when you fuck around. I am dead serious.
[Here sits a pea-sized hole lined with black ink. One might imagine the quill that rested there, contemplative, until its indecisiveness wore through the paper.]
Not a clue. Sorry.
03/25
Grall
I thoughtabout y ou again today. Thougt about you alot but today also incase you wanted to kow. Gatrie I should stoptalking about him in these .Its none of his business.
Rememberthat shitty taven you took usto after job s sometime? With that ale that gave people hang ovrs with one sip? that shit was terriblebut you liked it. SO I did to. I miss that tavern. Its gone now like youare. Funny how that works huh? Its not funny. Sorrry.
WEre at a different tavern today. Gatrie and me. I dont know where Gatrie wenthe was just here. Whatever. I needed to go outside so i figured why not try the writng thing again right? Since the last two ti mes didnt work out really at all. You know its hard knowingw hat to write sometime because it has to look r ihgt you know. It has to meansomething because why welse would i right it But I don’t know whats worth writing. Or if it needs to be written ata ll. Does any of this mean anything. Would you havje read it if you were still here Would you have told me if it was terrible
Imiss your smile. It was big and it always mademe feel weird when I saw it. Weird in the good way. Because your you were handsome. thats why. Everyone liked you and so did I because how couldnt I or anyone else. Why would anyone work for you if they didnt like you because wellhonestly the pay was shite sometimes and I couldve gotten better. Ha ha ha ha ha ha
I want you back
I want you back.Thers so much I still need to say to
04/13
Greil,
Getting easier to write these, I guess.
I don’t remember writing that last one but I’m going to keep it sealed. I reread it once and wanted to set it on fire, but Gatrie stopped me. Still thinking about burning it, but I guess there’s no point. You’re the only one who’s supposed to read it, and anyone else is free game for me to shoot.
Saw a blacksmith that looked a little bit like you. I knew it wasn’t you, but I still looked twice like a fucking idiot. I don’t have use for swords or axes or whatever like you did, but I still bought something from him, again, like a fucking idiot. Gave it to(alright, do I need to say it? The /only other guy it could be/). I might take it back from him when he’s asleep.
Mercenary work is repetitive. I’m getting sick of it but there’s nothing else to look towards. This or nothing. It was easier when you were here. It always was. I keep taking jobs and feeling nothing when I finish them. You at least made it feel like we were /doing/ something. Making a /difference,/ even if that shit didn’t matter as much to me as it did to some watery-eyed newbie. You’d pat our backs and treat us to dinners on good days and I always chose the seat next to you. Remember that? You never said anything about it, but you definitely knew, didn’t you, asshole. I would show up late and nobody would have taken that seat.
Look at me, finally writing something meaningful. I still feel stupid, but reading this back makes me want to walk into a lake less.
04/27
Greil,
I just felt the need to write down another memory.
Us three, you, me, and Gatrie, walking down some fuckoff dirt road because Gatrie had told us that we were to meet our next client there. That whoever-they-were was willing to pay us handsomely for our services(that he never asked for clarification for, apparently, according to Gatrie). You knew it was a scam from the offset but still humored him. We both did. I still don’t know why we didn’t just tell him.
And apparently Gatrie was supposed to come alone, so when the three of us were ambushed by a pack of amateur thieves, they all wet themselves when they saw you. You’d put your hand on Gatrie’s shoulder and said to them “Why don’t we all just get on with our night” and they all just left. Gatrie was amazed. I was [the ink here is smudged]. I t[the ink here is smudged].
Yeah, that was a good memory, wasn’t it? You used to tell people about it at whatever inn we were staying at. You’d usually do it if you saw a girl hanging off of Gatrie’s arm so she could get a hit of the Gatrie Special. She’d ask him if you were his dad, sometimes, and /fuck me/ if that wasn’t the funniest thing I’d hear every single time because Gatrie never looked any less horrifically embarrassed.
I miss how you commanded the room. How you commanded the air. You could have told the sun to stop rising and it would have. You could have told me to hold my breath and I’d have done it until I passed out. Nobody could top your presence but everyone liked you too much to even bother trying. That was /you./ That really was you.
Gods damn it.
05/4
Greil,
I’m starting to run out of space to keep all of these in. It’s not efficient to carry around a bunch of letters. I’ll drop them off where you might be able to read them finally.
I thought about that kid today.
I don’t have much to say but you probably already know that. You’ve always known that and you were patient with me anyways. I never deserved any of that but you gave it to me and sometimes I wonder why. But then I remember the kind of person you were and why exactly people were drawn to you so much and it makes sense. I think sometimes you treated me differently but that could also just have been me batting my giant fucking eyelashes at you and hoping you picked up what I was putting off(but only in the favorable way where you agreed and then[the ink here is smudged]).
Thinking about a lot recently. Who knows what I’ll end up doing with it.
Watch over me. Or don’t. Not that I would know if you were, but fuck it, I’ll at least ask.
- Shinon