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As Jinx approached the familiar brick house at the end of the street, she struggled internally (as she had so many times before) with the urge to turn around like a wounded animal, run away, and hide somewhere.
The sidewalk she walked on was swept clean, the lawns in front of the identical houses were mowed short, the front gardens neatly trimmed. The streetlamps, now unlit but still unmissable, glistened as if the city sent someone every day just to polish them. And the air. It wasn't that it was polluted, saturated with chemicals and fumes, quite the opposite – it was disgustingly clean, the kind of clean you wouldn't find anywhere in Zaun.
But the worst – the absolute worst, the thing that kept her awake at night and made her roll her eyes just thinking about it – was the fact that Vi lived in this definition of the perfect Piltovan suburban life. Her Vi.
Jinx felt like throwing up.
In her patched pants and with her hair cut short, Jinx felt almost out of place as she walked toward the house. She almost expected an angry Piltie to run out at any moment with a bucket of ice water and throw it at her like a stray dog.
She knocked on the door and after a moment she heard footsteps approaching behind the walls. The door opened, and Caitlyn Kiramman in all her glory appeared. She was wearing some fancy pantsuit, adorned with jewelry that Jinx didn't even want to know the price of. When she saw Jinx, her eyes widened slightly in surprise.
"Hi, Kiramman," Jinx smiled awkwardly. "You look like- a crystal chandelier."
Caitlyn quickly glanced down at her outfit before giving her a tight smile. "Jinx. You're... early."
"You can call me Powder, actually. I changed it," Jinx lied.
"Oh," Caitlyn looked taken aback, her eyes widening. For a while she didn't say anything and just stared at Jinx, visibly thinking about something. "I apologize, Vi didn't tell me."
Jinx smiled brightly. "It's alright. You're gonna let me in?"
One could almost see the tension between them. Heavy and awkward and wrong from every angle.
Caitlyn blinked, as if she hadn't realized she was blocking the door until now. "Of course, sorry. Come inside, Ji- Powder."
Jinx squeezed past her and, once she was standing in the hallway, shouted. "Violet! Your wife just deadnamed me!"
"What?" Caitlyn's muffled voice echoed, but by then Vi had appeared from around the corner, dressed in some hideous formal attire. Jinx didn't know how she'd managed it, but she'd tamed her wild pink hair enough that at least there was no danger of shocking any Pilites.
Seeing Jinx, a look of relief appeared on Vi's face for some reason.
"Jinx!" Vi threw her arms around her before Jinx could even defend herself. "You're here early."
Jinx snorted, but she didn't try to break free from the tight embrace. "Time is relative, isn't it?" There was something special about Vi's presence. A strength and stability that Jinx found difficult to find in other people. And if she didn't count Ekko (because the knowledge that she now considered him a stable part of her life still scared her a little), Vi was the only person who had always been there.
Vi still didn't let go, instead pulling her even closer. "You promised you'd stop by for breakfast yesterday," she said quietly into Jinx's hair, her voice too heavy and strangled for Jinx not to feel guilty.
Jinx flinched almost imperceptibly. "I didn't promise anything."
Technically, that was true. She had strongly implied that she would come, but she had been careful not to make any promises. She knew herself too well. She couldn't be trusted. And Jinx thought that Vi would be used to it by now.
To be honest, Jinx visited Vi quite often. At least twice a month for sure, but even so, Vi was strangely anxious every time Jinx declined an invitation. It had been two years since Jinx had returned home and revealed that she wasn't actually dead. And well – If Vi had been overly protective all those years ago, Jinx didn't know what to call her behavior now. She tried not to think about it too much.
"Whatever," Vi finally let her go. "But just so you know, I made your favorite blueberry pancakes especially for you. So, I hope you at least appreciate what you missed."
At the mention of pancakes, Jinx's mouth began to water, but she refused to let it show. Instead, she just shrugged. "Sorry. I was busy."
There was a meaningful cough from across the room. Vi and Jinx immediately turned their heads in that direction.
Caitlyn raised her eyebrows. "Just to be clear, I'm still supposed to call you Jinx?" she asked Jinx.
Jinx blinked innocently and, feigning confusion, quickly glanced at Vi as if seeking an explanation before turning back to Caitlyn. "What else would you want me to call you, silly?"
Caitlyn gave her a tight smile. "Right."
Vi sighed. "Stop making fun of Cait, please."
Jinx blinked in confusion and mockingly placed her hand over her heart. "Me? I would never do that."
Vi took a breath to say something else, but Jinx interrupted her. "By the way, where's that troublemaker? That's why I'm here, isn't it?"
"Matilda? Your aunt is here!" Caitlyn called into the hallway, but got no response.
Caitlyn sighed and Vi chuckled. "We gave her a new coloring book to keep her busy, so she's been lying there with pencils for like twenty minutes now. We were hoping it would at least keep her entertained while you were babysitting her, but she's progressing faster than we expected."
Jinx snorted. "As if I needed advice on how to entertain her. Please, we'll have plenty of entertainment anyway. Kids love me."
Vi laughed briefly, but it was Caitlyn who spoke. "We know."
Jinx turned to her sharply. Caitlyn's words were dense, heavy with meaning that none of the three missed. An oppressive, awkward silence fell over the room. Jinx quickly looked away.
She swallowed thickly. "Well, you two finish up. I'll go say hi to my niece," she said, turning her back to them and quickly slipping into the hallway before the conversation could turn to a topic Jinx definitely wanted to avoid.
As it turned out, she didn't have to go far. Tilly was lying on the living room floor, surrounded by several colored markers and crayons, with a thick notebook open in front of her. She was holding a purple crayon in her hand and coloring a dinosaur in the picture with furious zeal. It seemed that she was using the lines she was supposed to color in only as a rough guide. Her dark purple hair fell loosely over her shoulders, a little wild after a day of running around the garden and rolling around who knows where.
Jinx cleared her throat and grinned. "So, you didn’t even bother to come to the door to say hello, huh?"
Tilly looked up. When she noticed Jinx standing in the doorway, she squealed and quickly scrambled to her feet. "Auntie!" Tilly threw herself around her legs, and Jinx bent down to spin the four year old around in the air. Tilly laughed loudly in a squeaky voice, and Jinx couldn't help but smile too.
"Oh, I missed you, kid," Jinx laughed before setting Matilda back on the floor.
Jinx felt like the little girl hadn't changed at all in two years she knew her. When she decided it was time to go home, finding out that Vi had become a Kiramman, but more importantly, a mom, was surprising to say the least. But it turned out that Tilly was the best surprise she could have asked for.
Even now. With a striped T-shirt stained with some kind of sauce and dirty from the sand, dried snot under her nose and on the back of her sleeve, and wild hair, the texture of which she had unfortunately inherited from Vi.
The little girl giggled, and when Jinx knelt down to her level, she threw herself around her neck again, clinging to her like a leech. "Moms said you'd be here with me today."
"Yep," Jinx nodded. "It'll be fun, right?" She grinned wildly. "And I promise you can be as naughty as you want, and we won't tell your parents. Sounds good?"
"Yeah!" Tilly squealed, and in the next second, her attention was elsewhere. "Do you want to see my coloring book? There are dinosaurs in it!"
Jinx snorted playfully. "Girl, who do you think you’re talking to? Of course I want to see them."
With the typical clumsiness of a small child, Tilly rolled off Jinx's lap and stood up. She pulled Jinx by the hand and led her to the coloring book spread out on the floor.
Jinx sat down on the floor and let Tilly explain the names of the different types of dinosaurs and what exactly was typical for them. Jinx pretended that she didn't miss a word of the child's babble, even though she sometimes had to pause to figure out what exactly the child was trying to say.
Matilda clumsily turned page after page, her wide blue eyes, which she had inherited from Kiramman, watching to see if Jinx was listening attentively.
Jinx grunted approvingly when Tilly turned to the next page, where another dinosaur was stretched out, this time colored bright pink. "It's the same color as your mommy's hair."
Tilly frowned. "No, it's the same color as my socks," she said, lifting her legs in the air to prove her point. "Mommy's hair is nicer. And do you know what that dinosaur's name is?" Tilly looked at her expectantly, seeming unable to wait to tell her aunt.
Jinx pretended to think hard. "Hmm. Is it Stinkosaurus?"
Tilly burst out laughing. "No! No!"
Jinx sighed loudly and furrowed her brow thoughtfully. "How about Pizzasaurus?"
Tilly must have found the names incredibly funny because she laughed again. "No, Auntie! Pizzasaurus doesn't exist, you silly!"
"Ha!" Jinx said triumphantly. "I've got it. It's Tillysaurus, right?"
The little girl laughed again, even louder this time. "I'm not a dinosaur!"
Jinx grinned. "Really? I thought you were."
Tilly was still giggling when she climbed onto Jinx's lap to cover her mouth. "I'm a human, not a dinosaur. Don't you know?"
Jinx sighed resignedly and shook her head in disappointment. "I'm sorry, kid. I really messed up, didn't I?"
"Yeah! You're the biggest mess ever. You're worse than Granddad. And Mommy. And Mama. And Ekko."
Jinx snorted. "Oh, I beg you pardon? No one's more of a mess than Ekko. Not even me."
Tilly giggled, but before she could continue the absurd conversation, a cough from the doorway interrupted them. Jinx and Tilly turned to see Caitlyn standing there. She appeared to be ready. Her hair was twisted into a complicated bun, and her face was covered in fancy makeup, which was only interrupted by an eye patch that somehow also looked expensive.
Caitlyn smiled tightly. "Vi is still looking for her shoes, but otherwise we're ready. We'll be out in a second."
Tilly exhaled, and her eyes widened. "Mama, you're beautiful!" she exclaimed and ran towards Caitlyn. Caitlyn picked her up in a practiced movement and sat her on her hip. Tilly giggled and reached for one of the earrings hanging from Caitlyn's ear. "It's shiny," she whispered, almost enchanted.
Caitlyn smiled and turned Tilly so she could see her face clearly. "Darling, mommy and I are going to be gone for a few hours and we'll be back late in the evening, just like we said, okay? You don't have to worry about anything. Your aunt will be here with you."
Tilly nodded emphatically. "I know. I remember." Her restless fingers now reached for the eye patch and began to examine the elastic band stretched around Caitlyn’s head.
Caitlyn sighed and turned to Jinx. "I hope we'll be back at a reasonable hour, but if not, could you put her to bed by seven at the latest?"
Jinx saluted mockingly. "Of course, Commander."
Much to Jinx's annoyance, Caitlyn's remark didn't seem to provoke her. Instead, she just smiled wearily, and for the first time that evening, there was something sincere in it. "Thank you, Jinx. Really."
Jinx's relationship with Caitlyn was... surprisingly good? Although good wasn't really the right word. No, it really wasn't, because the word "good" didn't capture all the dead parents and grief-stricken desire for revenge. But at least they weren't trying to kill each other anymore. Caitlyn allowed Jinx to be in her home, to spend time with her daughter, and in return, Jinx didn't remind her of anything from her past.
After all, when you got right down to it, neither of them had much right to blame the other. They had both done terrible things.
At least they had that in common.
Jinx felt something that was too close to uncertainty. "Nah. It's fine. I like spending time with this little animal," she said, winking at Tilly.
The little girl laughed again and pressed her head against Caitlyn's neck. "Auntie thought I was a dinosaur, mama."
"Oh, did she now?" Caitlyn raised one eyebrow amusedly. The next moment, triumphant laughter rang out from the hallway.
"I've got them!" Vi hopped into the room on one leg, tying another shoelace while standing.
Tilly laughed at the sight. Vi finally straightened up and grinned wildly at her daughter. "You're in a good mood, huh?"
Tilly nodded. "Yeah! Auntie said I can be as naughty as I want, and we won't tell either of you."
Caitlyn and Vi shot Jinx a sharp look. Jinx sighed in exasperation. "Tilly, it's called a secret for a reason."
Matilda frowned in Caitlyn's arms. "It's still a secret. They just know now."
Jinx couldn't argue with the logic of a four-year-old.
"Tilly, we're going," Vi sighed, realizing there was no point in arguing with Jinx. "Just don't do anything dangerous with your aunt, okay?"
The little girl nodded eagerly. "I promise."
Caitlyn put her down, and Tilly quickly hugged both her parents.
Jinx cleared her throat. "One more quick question. Where are you going again?"
Vi and Caitlyn turned to her in disbelief. "I told you just a week ago," Vi said, somewhat offended. "Weren't you listening?"
Jinx shrugged. "Not really. I just heard 'watch my kid' and that's all I remember."
Vi rubbed her face, and finally it was Caitlyn who spoke. "It's a fundraising event organized by councillor Shoola."
"Thanks, Caity," Jinx nodded. "See, Vi? Was it so hard to just tell me?"
"We'd better go," said Caitlyn, noticing that Vi was about to respond to the comment and delay their departure.
After saying goodbye to Matilda at least ten times and reminding Jinx at least five times not to do anything dangerous, the door closed behind them, leaving Jinx and Tilly alone.
Jinx grinned. "So, pixie. How would you like to have something from Jericho for a snack?"
Tilly squealed.
***
After the greasy, filling bomb Jericho called a "side dish," Jinx was glad for the opportunity to walk around and let her food digest. It wasn't that far from his stall to Vi's house. Vi might have lived in Piltover, but relatively close to the bathysphere. The walk took a just about twenty minutes. Tilly, on the other hand, wasn't so thrilled. After about three minutes of whining and complaining that her "legs were going to fall off," Jinx took pity on her and sat her niece on her shoulders.
Miraculously, Tilly suddenly calmed down completely.
It was still unusual for Jinx to walk through both cities without fear of being recognized. However, it turned out that people have short memories. All it took was the information that Jinx – a dangerous terrorist to Piltover and Silco's daughter to Zaun – was dead, and a few months after the war, no one gave a damn about her anymore. And when she finally reappeared after several years, not many people recognized her. The girl with the characteristic long braids was long gone. Jinx's hair was now short, shorter than after Isha's death, shorter than during the battle. Her face had also become rougher, more mature. It was hard to say if it was because she had finally grown up or if it was just the weight of everything that had happened.
It wasn't that no one knew her identity. Vi knew, of course. Then Caitlyn and Tilly. And Ekko, who subsequently told her roommates because "it wouldn't be fair to them otherwise." And Jinx had a strong suspicion that some other Firelighters had found out as well. So yes, she wasn't completely dead to everyone. But she felt that way anyway.
She had become a ghost in the city that had once been at her feet. And surprisingly, she didn't mind.
Jinx climbed the steep stairs leading up past the residential buildings. She was a little worried that Tilly would fall off her shoulders, but when she tried to convince her that it might be better to walk, Matilda started screaming.
Now she was happily swinging her legs as Jinx continued to carry her up the stairs. Jinx snorted. "Your parents must really spoil you, huh?"
Tilly didn't answer. Instead, she asked, "You live around here somewhere, right?" Jinx looked around. She was honestly surprised that Matilda recognized the place. A short distance away was a tunnel that led directly to the Firelight base.
She wasn’t sure if "live" was the right word. Technically, yes – she had been living here for over two years. She had her own room in one of the shared apartments, she had roommates who were slowly starting to trust her, and she had a place to come back to every day.
Still, it felt temporary.
"Shh, bug. You can't say that too loudly here. Ekko really doesn't want any bad guys finding a way to the hideout."
"What bad guys?"
Damn kids and their nosy questions. "Well, people who have bad intentions. They might want to hurt Ekko and his friends."
"Why would anyone want to hurt them?"
That was the question, wasn't it? What would Tilly do – what would she look like if she found out that Jinx was responsible for half the deaths of the people depicted in bright colors on Ekko's mural? Would she cry? Would she be horrified? Would she regret being related to a murderer?
Jinx knew that Vi wouldn't hide anything from her daughter. No, secrets in the family only create more complications, twisted relationships, and sudden mistrust. Jinx knew all about keeping secrets. What she knew, Tilly already knew some basic information about Caitlyn’s time as a commander and knew that her other mother had spent several years in prison.
So it was only a matter of time before she found out what Jinx had done.
(Jinx remembered when Vi first brought up the subject.
"I don't want her to despise you or anything. But I also don't want her to grow up with half-truths and unfinished sentences. And, well, you know. With Cassandra being her grandmother, questions are bound to come up."
"Just tell her, Vi."
"I'll explain that it wasn't your fault and that she can't blame you."
"But that's the problem, isn't it? You say it wasn't my fault, but that's just another lie."
"It was never your fault, Jinx. It was always mine."
Vi never stopped excusing her. It made Jinx want to scream.)
"Some people are just evil, Tilly," Jinx replied after a moment in a quiet voice. "They want something and they don't care how many people they hurt to get it."
Tilly was unusually quiet. Then she anxiously grabbed Jinx's hair with her fingers. "I don't want anyone to hurt you or Ekko."
Jinx squeezed her calf reassuringly and tried to laugh. "Don't worry, you little rascal. I won't let anyone else get hurt."
When they arrived back in Piltover, Jinx was sweating profusely and immediately downed a glass of ice water in the kitchen. Unfortunately, Tilly didn't give Jinx any time to rest and immediately demanded that Jinx go with her to the garden to dig up "dinosaur bones." This consisted of digging in the dirt in the fortunately shady garden and pretending that the sticks they found were part of a dinosaur's spine.
It was a repetitive activity, so Jinx was able to switch off her brain for a while and concentrate only on the dirt under her fingernails and the few earthworms they accidentally dug up.
Unfortunately, Tilly managed to get her T-shirt even dirtier than before. Before, the small stains could at least be ignored. But now, the situation was critical. When Jinx looked at her own T-shirt, she realized that it looked pretty much the same as Tilly's.
Tilly found it all incredibly funny. "Mama is going to be so mad at you," she giggled and, with continued enthusiasm, threw dirt from the hole she had decided to dig with her palms.
"Tss," Jinx playfully narrowed her eyes. "You mean because I dug up her garden? Because not to ruin the mood, but you're responsible for most of that."
"No! I don't mean that!" Tilly laughed again as if it were incredibly funny. "Because I ripped my trousers. Look!"
Jinx thought she might jump into one of those shallow holes and let Tilly bury her when she saw the hole in the girl's pants. But she quickly recovered. "Nah. You have to see it in a broader context. This, my dear, is a fashion statement."
"In a broader context?" Tilly rolled the unfamiliar words around on her tongue.
"Actually, forget what I just said," Jinx quickly added, scratching her neck. She sometimes forgot she was talking to a four-year-old. "Just tell your parents it's cool and everyone wears it like that."
“I am cool,” Tilly declared with complete seriousness after thinking it over carefully.
"Hell, you are," Jinx grinned. "You're a famous dinosaur bone hunter, after all."
Tilly smiled indulgently at her aunt, as if she were completely stupid. "It's called a paleontologist, Auntie. Not a dinosaur bone hunter."
How Tilly knew the word 'paleontologist' but not 'context' was completely beyond Jinx.
When Jinx finally managed to convince Tilly to move inside, she changed her into clean clothes and threw the dirty laundry into the corner of the laundry room, where she hoped it would remain unnoticed for as long as possible. She tore off her dirty T-shirt and threw on one of Vi's tops, which had the sleeves cut off at home. The T-shirt hung a little on Jinx, but the moment she pulled it over her head, Vi's scent hit her nose.
She stood there for a moment, trying to remember when she had stolen a piece of clothing from Vi for the first time. She remembered the cold evenings in Fishers. The winter was uncompromising and biting. She woke up in the night and... No, now she wasn't sure. Did she wake up that night? Did she really get up, take Vi's only warm sweater, and lie back down in her bed?
Now she wasn't sure. She didn't remember. The only image she could clearly see in her mind was Vi falling asleep wearing the sweater and Jinx waking up in it in the morning.
As a child, it hadn't occurred to her to question it or try to find out how it had happened.
Would it be worse or better to admit that Vi had given her the sweater willingly? Would that make Jinx a worse or better person?
Even now, she didn't have the energy to give it her full attention.
She returned to Tilly, who had meanwhile brought a box overflowing with dinosaur figurines of all sizes into the middle of the living room with her tiny arms. It was almost unbelievable that one child could own so many toys. All she had to do was mention the word "dinosaur" in front of her parents and they were willing to buy her an entire dinosaur-themed amusement park.
"Oh, great," Jinx rubbed her hands together excitedly. "Let's play dinosaur war!"
Tilly looked horrified at the idea. "Dinosaurs don't fight. Dinosaurs have a farm where they take care of pterodactyls, protect their eggs, and then sell them to other dinosaurs."
"Okay. So let's take care of the eggs."
Tilly didn't really hear the rest of what Jinx said. Instead, she began systematically placing the dinosaurs in their designated positions. Jinx didn't dare interfere.
Tilly pushed her figures into her hand. "You'll be Mr. and Mrs. Spinosaurus," she said, looking at Jinx as if she were handing her an immense responsibility. "And you'll protect the eggs from the smugglers."
Jinx was a little confused by the game, because Tilly was constantly changing the tasks of the individual dinosaurs, and the rules of the sale also changed according to her mood. But she managed to find a fun in it anyway.
"Tilly, watch out!" Jinx screamed. "The smugglers are sneaking up from behind."
Tilly's eyes widened. "No! Go away!" She swung the stegosaurus at the three allosaurus figures. "These aren't your eggs!"
Jinx grabbed one of the villain figures. "Oh, but I don't care. I'll eat them all!"
"No!" Tilly shouted and knocked the figures to the ground. "No eggs for you!" Her stegosaurus began to throw the smugglers energetically across the room, where they fell behind the couch. "And don't you dare come back!" And because she was so pleased with her victory, she laughed again. For some reason, Tilly laughed almost all the time at that age. It didn't even matter how funny the situation was.
The biggest surprise Jinx encountered with children was how much they differed from year to year. A few years ago, she would have sworn that a nine-year-old and a five-year-old couldn't be that different, but the more she surrounded herself with them, the clearer it became that she was wrong. Suddenly, even her own... experiences playing with children didn't matter much with a four-year-old.
She noticed this with the children who lived at Firelight Base. After the war, it was as if a floodgate had opened, and Jinx felt like she was regularly tripping over three different little ones just trying to get back to her room. But even though it was difficult to avoid the children completely in that place, Jinx was careful not to let any of them get too close.
With Tilly... With Tilly, it was different. Jinx wasn't afraid that she could hurt her or put her in danger. In the back of her mind, she knew that Vi and Kiramman would never let anything happen to their daughter. And so Jinx accepted her role as an aunt. She let herself be pulled along by those dirty little hands, the excited laughter, the stories about dinosaurs, and the idea that this little girl would grow up without ever knowing death or hunger.
Jinx picked up a small dinosaur, which Tilly had placed in the middle of her imaginary egg farm, but left it standing motionless throughout the game. "What about this one?" Jinx turned to Is- Tilly. "Is he too lazy to take care of eggs?"
Tilly giggled at the remark about laziness, but a second later her face grew serious. "He just doesn't want to."
Jinx paused for a moment before realizing that she should probably respond to that comment. "Why not? He could cook breakfast for the other dinosaurs. Or tell everyone jokes to cheer them up."
Tilly shook her head. "He doesn't want to. He's very sad."
Jinx raised her eyebrows. "Sad? Why?"
Tilly shrugged. She looked at the dinosaur Jinx was still holding in her hand for a moment, then looked at Jinx. "Are you ever sad?"
Sad? The emotion sounded so terribly simple. Yet Jinx realized she was seriously considering Tilly's question. Had there ever been a moment in her life when sadness had disappeared? After all, sadness was woven into everything else she felt. Into fear, grief, and even that awful guilt she had never been able to shake off.
She remembered last week. How she had tripped over a discarded miner's helmet and, looking at it, her throat had suddenly tightened and she couldn't breathe, no matter how hard she tried.
She also remembered the strong hands that brought her back to reality. Ekko's calm but firm voice that managed to bring her back to the light. Because, of course, it was Ekko who was there with her. The one who knew.
Jinx was taken aback by the question. Tilly had never asked about anything like that – not because she lacked empathy or concern for others, but simply because little children were mainly interested in their own experiences.
"Sometimes," Jinx decided on the simplest answer. "But you know, if you or this dinosaur," she held up the figurine, "feel sad, that's okay. Everyone has the right to feel unhappy sometimes."
(Jinx knew she was being hypocritical. She considered every hint of sadness in herself to be further proof of her own weakness.)
Tilly frowned anxiously, as if it took immense effort to admit what she was thinking. "I think I made mommy sad yesterday."
The answer surprised Jinx. "How come?" she asked cautiously.
Tilly got up and climbed back onto Jinx's lap, as if she needed physical closeness to overcome some kind of mental barrier. "She left a blueberry pancake in the kitchen after breakfast. I ate it," Tilly admitted, her voice trembling slightly. "When she saw me eating it, she started crying. I didn't know she wanted it," Tilly added quickly, perhaps afraid of being misunderstood. "No one had eaten it in the morning, so I thought it was left for me."
Jinx's heart sank. Suddenly, she felt like her head was underwater, and her mouth went dry. "Did you—," she cleared her throat. "Did you ask your mama about it?"
Tilly nodded. "She said mommy wasn't mad at me. She said she was sad about something else. But mommy looked at the pancake before she started crying. So I know it was because I didn't let her have it."
Jinx really felt like she was drowning in all the fucking guilt. It was as if it was growing with every second, and every decision she made – no matter how stupid – only added fuel to the fire.
"Well," Jinx rasped when she recovered. "I think your mama is right. And your mommy was actually sad about something else entirely."
Tilly didn't say anything else. She just pulled her hands away from Jinx's neck and said, "I don't want to talk about it anymore. Can we go back to playing?"
"Yeah," Jinx exhaled and shook her head to shake off the awful feeling creeping into her mind. "Yeah, sure, bug."
Her chest remained strangely tight for the rest of the day. She couldn't stop thinking about that stupid pancake. Tilly had long since abandoned the thought – when Jinx ran her bath, she threw bath foam at Jinx carefree and couldn't stop laughing. Jinx tried to lose herself in the moment too. She created a decent beard out of the bubbles on Tilly's face, but no matter how loudly her niece laughed, Jinx's guilt didn't subside.
Maybe she really shouldn't have come back. It wasn't the first time that thought had crossed her mind, but today was the first time she had considered it more carefully. Wasn't that the reason she left in the first place, to avoid exactly this? Didn't she want to leave Vi alone to live her stupid Piltovan life without constantly worrying about her?
Jinx couldn't help feeling a kind of irrational anger towards Vi rising inside her. She had her own family. Her daughter, for fuck's sake. Shouldn't she concern herself with them? Why was she putting so much energy into integrating Jinx into a world she clearly didn't belong in? This was Vi, of course. Her fucking self-sacrifice, playing the martyr, her disgusting lack of ego.
Jinx didn't even know how to tell her sister that the idea of her still considering her part of the family made her stomach churn at night. How she would have loved to cut their relationship down to barely speaking, just so that Vi could finally move on.
She felt it almost like physical pain, as if with every breath she took, another knife blade was being stabbed into her chest. The worst part was realizing that Vi would never really let her go. That no matter how hard Jinx tried, Vi would always find a reason to excuse her behavior.
She had this in common with Ekko. They were both so quick to forgive that it was unbearable. As if taking Jinx back was the easiest thing in the world. Jinx didn't understand that. Everyone else knew that Jinx was a monster. A disgusting creature who didn't deserve to be called a human being. She saw it in the looks of the Firelights, who, even though Ekko hadn't confirmed anything, watched her with disgust. She didn't miss how they quickly hid their children from her—behind them, somewhere safe. Which was probably sensible.
After all, the name Jinx wasn't chosen at random.
It was almost impossible to understand why Ekko and Vi were so blind to this.
After changing Tilly into clean pajamas, Jinx went to check the kitchen, where she pulled a yogurt she knew Tilly liked out of the fridge and prepared it with some sliced fruit for her dinner.
Jinx had a hard time figuring out what constituted a nutritious meal. Years of starvation and half-eaten meals had skewed her idea of how to eat properly, but she hoped this would be enough for Tilly.
She sat down opposite Tilly and, while watching her eat, devoured half of the apple left in the fridge. Although it was getting late, the summer sky was still bright. It was strange to imagine that some people lived their whole life in a city bathed in sunshine.
Jinx threw the dirty dishes into the sink. It wasn't her house, so she didn't bother washing up. She could leave that to someone else. Tilly yawned loudly and Jinx turned and chuckled. Tilly rubbed her eyes, her hair already tousled again, even though Jinx had combed it just a few minutes ago. "Come on, you little rascal," she said, picking Tilly up in her arms, her voice still slightly shaking. "Let's go to bed."
Tilly settled into her embrace and giggled. "But I'm not sleepy at all."
Jinx pretended to examine her closely. "Oh, really?"
Tilly nodded vehemently and yawned again. "I'm going to stay up all night."
"You're very ambitious," Jinx snorted and carried Tilly upstairs to her room.
Tilly's bed in the corner of the room wasn't particularly large, but Jinx was slim enough to fit comfortably next to Tilly. She covered the girl with a duvet featuring multicolored brontosaurs and turned on a small lamp. When Tilly seemed to be lying comfortably, Jinx looked at her expectantly.
"So, my lady? What bedtime story would you like?"
Tilly turned on her side and pressed her palms firmly against Jinx's forearm. "The one about the girl with eyes like the sun?"
Jinx found it difficult to pretend she was surprised by the choice. "Hmm, I don't think I've heard that one before."
"Auntie," Tilly admonished her and giggled again. "I know you know it."
Jinx playfully rolled her eyes. "Well, okay. Are you really sure you want to hear that one again?"
She was teasing Tilly a little, but the girl just nodded. "Yeah!"
"Well, okay," Jinx smirked, and Tilly squealed with excitement. "But you'll have to try to fall asleep, okay?"
Tilly nodded again. "Okay."
"Alright," Jinx leaned the upper half of her body against the wall behind the bed. She looked back at Tilly, who was watching her expectantly, and began. "Once upon a time, there was a little girl whose eyes were the color of the sun and whose hair was the color of brown smoke."
As soon as Jinx uttered the first sentence, something inside her slowed down. It was almost as if her whole world had stopped and suddenly nothing else existed but this moment in this room with Tilly lying next to her. Only silence surrounded them.
"The little girl was a child of the weather – the daughter of cold winds and morning mists and rays of sunshine that shone through even the darkest clouds. She was a child of summer rains. And one day, she fell from the sky."
Tilly's breath hitched, as if she hadn't heard the story a hundred times before, and Jinx snorted.
"And what happened to her?"
"Her fall was slowed by an old and disgruntled raven that was walking down the street below her at that very moment."
"And she didn't crush him?" Tilly asked, as she had several times before, and Jinx grinned.
"Of course not. That raven was huge. His body was solid, and even though several of his feathers were missing and his wings were battered, he still seemed indestructible. As if nothing could ever hurt him."
Jinx unconsciously ran her finger over one of the many scars on her arm, the origin of which she no longer remembered.
"That raven was bitter and evil. A big grump."
Tilly giggled at the words.
"And so when a little girl with eyes the color of the sun fell on him, he didn't want anything to do with her at first. Until..."
"Until they became friends," Tilly interrupted, as if she couldn't wait any longer.
"Yes," Jinx nodded. "More or less. But it didn't happen just like that. At first, the raven tried to run away from the girl. But in the end, he realized that no matter where he went, those sun-colored eyes were watching him from the shadows. And when the little girl risked her life for him one day..." (Jinx never went into too much detail about this part because, well, the details were a little awkward), "...the old, bitter raven realized that he would be terribly sad if anything really happened to the little girl."
"And that's how they became friends," said Tilly.
"And that's how they became friends," Jinx confirmed. "And the raven realized that with the little girl around, he wasn't as bitter and mean as he used to be. He suddenly noticed that he was smiling more than before. He didn't feel like crying anymore and began to think that there was a world where he could be happy. Because of the little girl, the raven decided to find his family again – his sick father and his sister. And when they were all reunited, they set out to find a new place where they could all live together and the raven's father could recover."
Tilly snuggled closer to Jinx, her tiny fingers digging firmly into Jinx's skin.
"They found that place, and for a while, everything seemed perfect. But then a pack of wolves attacked the little girl, the raven, his sick father, and his sister," Jinx paused and stared at the stars Tilly had stuck to the ceiling of her room. Jinx exhaled. "The raven was terribly frightened. He was afraid that his father would never recover, that the new home they had found would be destroyed, and that the little girl and his sister would get hurt," she swallowed. "And the little girl noticed."
Jinx felt her heart racing and her stomach churning. One would think that with each retelling, the story would become easier. Jinx had not yet figured out how to achieve that.
"And the little girl with eyes the color of the sun noticed how afraid the old, bitter raven was. So she saved him. She asked her aunt, the storm, to send a bolt of lightning down to her. And with that lightning, she drove away the pack of wolves," Jinx finished in a quiet voice, and a heavy silence fell over the room.
The story wasn't perfect. It was full of gaps and embellishments. It left out all the dead who had fallen during the story, and Jinx didn't even believe that the raven had ever really become a good creature.
But it was a fairy tale. And in fairy tales, there was always the possibility of a second chance and a happy ending. Jinx hadn't yet figured out a better way to tell the story.
Tilly began tracing the outline of Jinx's tattoo with her fingertip. Jinx turned to her and smiled. "There. Are you happy now?"
Tilly continued to examine the blue clouds on Jinx's arm. "Yeah."
Jinx hummed. "What are you thinking about?"
Tilly looked up, almost shyly. "I think I'd like to be friends with her."
Jinx raised her eyebrows. "With the girl with eyes the color of the sun?"
"Yeah," Tilly turned onto her back and also gazed at the fluorescent stars hanging from the ceiling. "It must be really interesting. Being a child of the rain. I'd like that too. I'd like to be able to do that with lightning. She sounds so cool."
It was like a punch to the gut. For a second she allowed herself to imagine - imagine Isha as the older cousin, being with Jinx and Tilly right now, entertaining Tilly before sleep.
It wasn't fair. It so wasn't fair and Jinx didn't care how immature this thought always made her seem because frankly it was the only thing playing on repeat in her head when thinking about Isha.
It just wasn't fair. Jinx never deserved better but Isha did. Isha deserved everything.
Jinx's stomach clenched painfully. "Trust me, the lightning thing wasn't that interesting. It's way too dangerous," she paused for a moment. "There were many more interesting things about the little girl than her lightning trick. She wore a silly helmet on her head and could sneak up on you without you even noticing. You wouldn't believe how many times she scared me."
Tilly's eyes widened and she gasped. "You knew that girl?"
Jinx hesitated, but when she looked into those blue eyes staring at her in utter amazement, she finally nodded. "I did."
Tilly sat up, and any previous attempt to put her to sleep was gone. Curiosity was written all over her little face, her eyes slightly wide, her mouth open. "What's her name?"
"Isha," Jinx breathed.
She didn't know what she expected to happen when she said the name. Maybe it had been so long since she had spoken about Isha that she was afraid it would be worse when she started again. But suddenly it felt nice. To have her name on her tongue again, to say it like some complicated Latin name for a herb growing in front of her house.
Isha.
She would be a teenager now. Almost adult, no doubt perpetually annoyed and with an opinion on everything.
Jinx felt the wound in her reopen. The consuming knowledge that Isha would never get the chance to became an adult almost swallowed her whole as it always did.
Except there was a difference between when her thoughts wandered to Isha now and when they usually did.
Because now she decided to talk about her. And as unimportant as that little detail might have seemed, it did make a difference. A big difference.
"What happened to Isha? After she chased away those wolves with the lightning?"
Jinx hesitated for a moment, unsure if answering was the right thing to do. But when she looked back at Tilly's face, she decided to try anyway. "Did your parents ever tell you what... death is?"
She didn't want to be the one to break the ice. She knew she had no right to – she wasn't Tilly's parent, and it wasn't her place to decide when her niece would learn about death. But if Vi or Caitlyn had already discussed it with her...
Tilly nodded, her face suddenly serious. "That's what happened to Grandpa Connel and Grandpa Vander. And Grandma Cassandra and Grandma Felicia. And Uncle Mylo and Claggor and Jayce."
There were so many names. Jinx felt sick at the thought that most of these people had died long before they ever had a chance to realize that someone like Tilly would ever exist.
Most of those deaths were my fault, her brain began to scream. I killed them.
"Look!" Tilly wriggled out from under the blankets and pointed to a picture hanging next to the door. "That's them. Mama and mommy told me what they looked like, so I drew them like this. All together."
Jinx couldn't see the stick figures very well in the dim light, but she could feel her hands begin to tremble slightly.
"Well, and..." Jinx looked at Tilly again. "Did your parents tell you what happens to people when they die?"
"Mama said she doesn't know. But she hopes they're somewhere peaceful. And that they're not in pain anymore. Mommy said she thinks they're with Janna now. That they're all together and she's protecting them from everything bad."
Jinx ran her hand through her short hair. "You know, Isha is with them now. With Janna, too."
Tilly blinked a few times in confusion before her eyebrows knitted together thoughtfully. "So we can't be friends now?"
"No. But maybe one day."
Tilly walked back to the front of the bed and Jinx lifted the blanket so she could crawl back under it. Jinx stretched out next to Tilly so she could look at her face.
Tilly reached out again, her fingers touching one of the many small scars on Jinx's face. "Mommy said she used to think you had gone to be with Janna, too."
Jinx licked her dry lips and forced a smile. "I'm sorry I disappointed you. As you can see, I'm still here."
Tilly didn't let go of her hand. "She also often tells me about the best days of her life. Do you want to know what they were?"
"Sure. Bring it on, you little troublemaker," Jinx whispered and smiled conspiratorially.
"She says the happiest day of her life was the day I was born."
Jinx couldn't help but grimace slightly. "I bet you could have screamed your lungs out."
Tilly frowned. "I don't cry. Ever."
Several memories of Tilly's seemingly endless crying came to mind, but Jinx knew there was no point in arguing with children. "Okay. Sorry. And the second happiest day?"
"Mommy says it was the day you came home."
Jinx froze and stared at Tilly's face, which was settled in blissful ignorance. Tilly probably couldn't fully understand what Vi meant by her words, but she must have heard them so often that she knew them by heart.
And Vi—of course she would say something like that. No matter how hard Jinx tried to shake her off her shoulders and let her live her life without feeling any responsibility, Vi... well, Vi was just Vi. And she never let go of anyone. Whether they were alive or dead.
Tilly snuggled closer to her. "But you're not going anywhere, are you? You're not going to Janna?"
Jinx held her tightly, breathing in her scent, and when she spoke, she knew she meant it. "No. I'm definitely not planning on joining Janna right now."
Maybe running away and hiding in seclusion would be the easier option. The one without the pain that would inevitably come and without the guilt that haunted her at every turn. But Jinx had responsibilities. She had people who could be hurt.
And suddenly she knew she was going to stay. She was going to try to work on herself so she could honestly call herself a good raven. And she hoped that when Tilly would find out the truth one day—about what Jinx had done, how many people she had sent to Janna—she wouldn't become part of the cycle. And if she did, that Jinx would be able to help her overcome it.
She fell asleep with Tilly. Her niece was breathing quietly beside her, covered with a blanket with colorful dinosaurs and fluorescent stars above them.
***
Jinx was awakened by a slight shake on her shoulder.
The first thing she noticed was her aching back and her left leg, which had gone numb under the weight of the right one. She opened her eyes only to notice Tilly's hair spread across the pillow they shared. Jinx sleepily rolled onto her back and saw Vi standing over them, barely holding back a grin.
"Did you enjoy your sleep?" Vi whispered, her lips in a smug grin.
Jinx groaned and sat up carefully so as not to wake Tilly. "Fuck off," she muttered, rubbing her face.
She looked around the room. It was still dark. The lamp on the nightstand was on, the curtains drawn. Vi had already taken off her jacket and was left in just a plain turtleneck, the sleeves rolled up to her forearms. Her hair was also much more tousled than when they had left.
Jinx carefully moved her legs from the bed to the floor and stood up. She didn't have a clear idea of what time it was, but she knew she felt as if she had slept for only a very short amount of time. "How long have you been there?" she yawned and stretched. "Four working days? A month? Another hour and I'd expect some kind of monetary reward."
"It's only nine, you idiot, and—hey!" Vi furrowed her eyebrows and glared at Jinx. "Are you wearing my shirt?"
"Whaaat?" Jinx quickly crossed her arms over her chest to cover any ugly logos that might be on it. "You're probably hallucinating again, sis. Don't worry, I don't blame you – it runs in the family."
Vi narrowed her eyes. "Oh, you know damn well-" Tilly suddenly rolled over on the bed, and both sisters realized they had switched from whispering to speaking in hushed tones. Vi froze and then nodded toward the door. "Let's go outside."
They both tiptoed out into the hallway, and Vi took one last protective look at her daughter before quietly closing the door to her room. They went downstairs. The hallway was already lit, and the shoe rack was littered not only with the dirty sneakers Jinx had thrown there during the afternoon, but also with Vi and Caitlyn's shoes, which they hadn't bothered to put away yet.
Jinx yawned again and looked at Vi, who was carefully descending the stairs behind her. "Where's your lady?"
"Cait went straight to bed," Vi explained, running her hand through her hair to free it from the elastic band that held it in place. "She's been getting migraines since the war. The neurologist explained that it's related to her eye injury, and today was a tough day and... well, it was just shit. Nothing but ass-kissing and forced pleasantries that made you want to spike the champagne with cyanide."
Jinx snorted.
"What about you?" Vi raised her eyebrows. "Cait and I saw the mess you left all over the house, so I assume Tilly was happy?"
Jinx shrugged nonchalantly and smirked. "Oh, come on. You know how it is. We dug up a few triceratops skeletons in your backyard and saved the dinosaur capitalist paradise from smugglers. Just another day."
Vi chuckled, but her expression softened strangely. Jinx grimaced at the look. "What?"
Vi quickly shook her head. "Nothing."
Jinx looked a little scared as Vi's eyes began to well up with tears. "Please, tell me you're not going to cry."
Vi snorted a little indignantly, even though her eyes were already completely glassy. "Of course not, I just—oh, just come here, you idiot," she said, pulling Jinx into a tight hug instead of explaining.
Jinx snorted with laughter but returned the hug. Vi sniffed and pulled her even closer. "It's... nice seeing you getting along so well. I'm just happy. That's all."
"More like sappy. Are you pregnant again, or what?"
Vi scoffed. "Never again. That was hell. Next time it's Cait's turn."
Jinx sighed dramatically into their hair. "Too bad. I missed seeing you fat the first time around. I was hoping I'd get that chance again at least once."
Vi finally pushed her away, but her expression was still annoyingly affectionate. “Thanks. You always know how to cheer me up. And by the way, you’re being overly dramatic. I didn’t cry that much.”
Jinx smirked. "Yeah. Just wait until I start hanging out with your wife, then you'll never stop crying."
Vi grinned. "You can bet on it."
They remained standing in the hallway, an awkward silence settling between them. Jinx could have left, but something inside her wanted to stay with Vi. At least for a while. In her big house with its messy garden and dirty dishes in the sink.
"Thanks," Vi said after a moment of silence. "For watching her. I know you don't really like coming here, so this means a lot to me."
Jinx shrugged. "It's Tilly."
Vi smiled. "It's Tilly."
They stared at each other silently for a moment before suddenly trying to speak at the same time.
"Anyway, I think I should-."
"Will you come with us to town tomorrow for lunch?"
Jinx blinked in confusion and looked at Vi, who was now waiting for her answer with uncharacteristic uncertainty. "What- what did you say?"
"If you'd like to go out for lunch with us tomorrow," Vi repeated. "I thought, well, we could try that new Ionian restaurant. Cait's dad recommended it, and he said the food is good and-," she looked nervously at Jinx and scratched her neck. "Well, I just think Tilly would like you to come."
"Um." Jinx cleared her throat, trying to pretend that despite how this shouldn't be awkward at all, she felt incredibly awkward. How did they manage this? That as sisters, they were now afraid to plan a lunch together as adults? "You know, I—" She thought for a moment, then the conversation with Tilly flashed through her mind.
She looked at Vi again. "Actually, yes. I'd love to." And then she added, "I promise."
***
She took the half-finished beer she had left over from lunch out of the fridge and walked out the door. The night air was warm and pleasant on her skin. The sky was cloudless tonight, so the moon lit up the entire Firelight hideout without Jinx having to turn on any lights. Tiny fireflies disturbed the evening silence with their buzzing.
With the beer in one hand, she climbed down the ladder and silently prayed to Janna that she wouldn't slip, and when she was only a few inches above the ground, she jumped down. She finally reached the lower level via the winding bridge. She hummed a tune without thinking – she had completely forgotten the origin of the song, but it remained somewhere in her head, its notes serving as a necessary comfort.
As she approached the mural, the various faces began to take on more defined contours. Vander and Benzo's kindness radiated from the scenes. Mylo and Claggor were forever captured in moments of their childhood, as if they were about to set off with Vi and Powder to explore the city. As she had done so many times before, she stopped in front of it and let herself be drawn into the scene before her.
Jinx liked coming here. The voices in her head took on a clear face, at least for a moment.
She was torn from her thoughts by a pleasant, familiar voice. "Didn't know you came back already."
Jinx turned her head in that direction and couldn't help but smile slightly when she saw Ekko sitting on a bench by the railing. She raised her eyebrows. "Was I supposed to come tell you? Did you set a curfew for me or something?"
Ekko rolled his eyes and tapped the empty spot next to him. Jinx sat down without thinking, her legs grateful for the relief after a long day.
When she glanced at Ekko out of the corner of her eye, she saw that he was looking directly at her. She shifted uncomfortably and frowned uncertainly. "What?"
Ekko quickly looked away. "Nothing," he said quickly and paused for a second before continuing. "How was Topside? It looks like... everything went well?"
"Same as always," she shrugged, thoughtlessly twirling the neck of the bottle she was still clutching in her other hand. "I didn't lose Tilly anywhere, and I didn't flood Vi's house. I'd call that a success."
"You didn't even set it on fire?" Ekko couldn't resist the remark, and Jinx snorted indignantly before weakly nudging him.
"Shut up. That never happened."
"Maybe not in Vi's house. But I don't need to remind you of your attempt at central heating last year," Ekko's voice was smugly enjoying the situation. Jinx wanted to slap him for it.
Instead of responding, she just scoffed, and Ekko chuckled. For a moment, there was silence between them, but neither felt the need to fill it. Jinx leaned against the railing and buried her gaze once more in Vander's calm expression as he looked ahead. She wondered how Ekko had managed to capture his essence in this way. Vander looked as if his vision of Zaun was already within sight.
"No, seriously," Ekko broke the silence again, and Jinx turned to him curiously. "You look... different than usual. More relaxed, I guess. I don't really know what word to use. But there's something about you that reminds me of a contented calm and… balance? I don't think I've seen that in you before. At least not since..." He quickly trailed off and looked away from Jinx's face to the mural.
Jinx rolled her eyes amusedly. "Geez, you don't have to beat around the bush. I do feel better." She followed his gaze and couldn't help but smile when she saw Benzo's portrait. "Not like extremely better, but I'm more at ease," she paused, trying to decide if she wanted to continue, but finally overcame herself. "I told Tilly about Isha."
Ekko looked at her in surprise. "Wait- really?"
She nodded. "I didn't plan to. I never really talked about Isha, you know except for-," she looked meaningfully at Ekko, and he smiled understandingly.
(She hadn't planned to talk about her. In the seven years since Isha's death, she had barely mentioned her name. But during a particularly difficult bout of hallucinations shortly after her return, Isha was suddenly everywhere around her. And Ekko was the one who was there.
And so Jinx told him. She told him about the little girl with eyes the color of the sun.)
"I think about her all the time when I'm with Tilly," she whispered. "It's not like- concious decision and I usually fight it every time it happens but today was just different. And- ugh," she groaned and glanced at Ekko. "It just makes me wonder when I'm with Tilly, you know? About what family Isha could have had, what future would await her. And it sucks."
She swallowed the lump in her throat and felt her heart speed up considerably, the sound of it now loud in her ears. She didn't know what made today feel so different. Why she was talking about Isha today of all days.
"You say you think about her all the time," Ekko quietly said. "But... you don't really mention her. At least not to me."
The silence that followed sounded almost accusatory, though Jinx knew Ekko didn't mean it that way. Still, her throat tightened with guilt.
"I thought it would be worse if I said her name," she said aloud, ashamed of almost every breath she took. "It was better to talk about her as some mythical creature, but today I said it, and- well, actually, a huge weight fell off me, one I didn't even know I was carrying," she exhaled. She raised her hand with the beer to her mouth and took a sip of the cold liquid. It flowed through her body like ice.
"You don't talk about a lot of things," Ekko said quietly, and Jinx turned to him, a little offended.
"Excuse me? I talk all the time. I've spent all day talking about dinosaurs. I'm literally talking right now."
"Yeah, maybe. But you never talk about things that really matter. Not to me, anyway, and I doubt it would be any different with Vi," he looked at her, and she could have sworn she saw something like a challenge mixed with kindness in his eyes. Those eyes... She didn't know what it was about them, but every time she looked into them, she felt dizzy. It was hard to look away.
They were the kindest eyes in the world.
Jinx wanted to argue with him. To tell him that no one asked for his opinion and he could shove it up his ass, and that maybe it wouldn't hurt if he cared about something other than her for just a second.
But in the end, she said nothing. She swallowed thickly and quickly looked away from him and his big stupid eyes. She looked back at Vander again, as if she could ask him directly: Do you see this? Do you see what I'm forced to endure here?
"I'm not running away anymore," she murmured after a moment of silence.
Ekko tensed and turned to her in surprise. "You wanted to leave? Again? But- you just-."
"Nooo," Jinx groaned and hid her face in her hands. "I didn't mean it like that. Just metaphorically, just..." She sighed in exasperation and looked back at Ekko, who was still watching her warily. "Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with Vi, Kiramman, and Tilly. Vi invited me."
Ekko blinked in surprise. "So... you're not running away."
Jinx snorted. "Nope. I just used some stupid metaphor. Sorry."
"Okay," he breathed, and Jinx looked at him cautiously. His frightened expression was replaced by relief, which was now visible on every inch of his face. She couldn't get used to the fact that... he wanted her to stay. That he had accepted her so easily into his home.
"You can come with me," she said after a while, and Ekko looked up in surprise.
"Like... go with you to some posh restaurant that Caitlyn picked out?" His voice was still confused, but not dismissive.
She shrugged. "Sure. Vi won't mind, Tilly will squeal with delight, and I'll be glad for—," she waved her hand awkwardly between them. "For a friendly face. I'd love for you to come with us."
She waited for his answer with anticipation, holding her breath. She had just thrown out the invitation, but she realized that his answer mattered to her now. A lot.
Ekko opened his mouth uncertainly, but as if he had changed his mind at the last moment, he shook his head. "You know what? Sure. But I'm not paying."
Jinx smirked. "What else do I have a rich sister in law for?"
Ekko smiled, almost conspiratorially, like when they were little kids and were figuring out the best way to pick the pockets of Piltovan tourists. That smile held their shared history, all the times before Silco and all the times after the war. And Jinx hoped that he would give her that smile at least once more in the future. She turned back to the mural.
Tomorrow she would go with Ekko, her sister, her sister's wife, and their child who always made Jinx happy at lunch. She would have fun and try to be happy. And after lunch, she would promise Vi that she would stop by again sometime. Not just to babysit Tilly, but for her. For her sister.
Then she'd go back to the Firelight hideout with Ekko, and Jinx would get out her spray paint and colors and make Ekko hold the stool for her while she paints Isha's face next to the other dead people. If she has time, she'll try to paint her parents too, and she'll ask Ekko what his parents looked like. She'd paint them too.
And then, day after day, she would try to learn how to live her life again. Without running away from those who love her and chasing them away. She would learn to live with her guilt and accept that it will probably never completely disappear.
And most importantly she would watch over Tilly. Because she couldn't fuck it up this time. Jinx would have to be here - every day amd every minute. Just to make sure that this girl would grew up. That she would have a chance to start her own life, follow her dreams (or whatever the expression was that people used) and most importantly that she would live.
But Jinx had time for all that. She wasn't going anyway and the future wouldn't escape her. So she leaned against the railing and rested her head on Ekko's shoulder. Her back still hurt, the sweaty beer bottle cooled her, and Ekko's body warmed her.
Jinx was just a step away from learning about peace.