Chapter Text
Sunday, December 24, 2028 (Christmas Eve)
Everyone, no matter how punctual they usually were, arrived at least five minutes late, save for Klavier and Eustace, who walked into Anywhere Cheap at 9pm sharp. They were already ordering some drinks by the time Phoenix and Athena showed up, and only five minutes after that did Miles join them. Apollo and Nahyuta turned up at 9:15 apologizing for their tardiness.
Simon didn’t grace them with his presence until 9:25, with nothing to say for himself but that he had to take Taka out for a walk, to which Eustace pointed out that that was a terrible excuse due to hawks not needing them. Without missing a beat, Simon replied something to the likes of “You wouldn’t know, though—you don’t have a hawk, now, do you?”
The bar was packed that night, as usual, and Mary barely had time to even glance their way except for when she brought them drinks.
Eight unassuming gift bags in Christmas colors—red, green, gold; some patterned—sat under the attorneys’ chairs like carefully wrapped little elephants in the room. The day after they had to man Anywhere Cheap, Athena proposed the idea of having a ‘Secret Satan’ on Christmas Eve, which was “like a Secret Santa except the gifts are ugly and ridiculous”, as she’d put it. This was quickly backed up by Eustace and Klavier, and they asked Mary if she could write all their names in pieces of paper, draw them from a hat, and let everyone know who they had to buy a Secret Satan present for. When she texted all the attorneys, some of them weren’t even aware the Secret Satan was taking place yet. Furthermore, when Athena informed them that everyone was to wear their presents that night after receiving them and on New Year’s, her phone flooded with complaints.
She answered none of the texts.
“So, the Secret Satan!” She suddenly bursted out in the middle of a conversation as soon as everyone had their drinks. “You should go first, Mr. Wright! And I’ll go next.”
“Huh? Why do I have to be first?” Phoenix put his hands up as if somebody were pointing a weapon at him.
“You’re so brave to break the ice, Herr Wright,” Klavier raised his voice. He finished his phrase with a playful smirk.
Seeing as everybody around the table was staring at him wide-eyed, Phoenix quickly accepted his fate. “All right. Let’s see; who’s my Secret Satan?”
They all sat still for a brief, expecting moment, then Miles finally reached for the burgundy gift bag under his chair, adjusted his glasses, and handed it to Phoenix. Klavier started laughing before the bag was even opened.
“Of course it’s you,” Phoenix faked a tired sigh and shook his head, yet accepted the gift with a smile on his face.
Athena, Klavier, and Eustace all leaned forward in curiosity, trying to catch a glimpse of it before it was taken out of the bag; and the three of them were practically laying on the table as Phoenix slowly unwrapped his present.
“Any day now,” Athena sneered, impatient.
The wrapping paper came undone at last to reveal a suit jacket and a matching tie—a bold, Steel Samurai-patternet suit jacket and an equally bold tie. Over a bright red background, the design featured many of the Steel Samurai franchise heroes: the Pink Princess, the Nickel Samurai, the Jammin’ Ninja, and obviously the Steel Samurai himself. It was so loud it truly hurt to look at. The other attorneys tried—and failed—to hold back laughter as Phoenix held up his gift trying to process it and Miles sat there with a satisfied grin on his face.
“Put it on!” Klavier instigated, and everyone else added in with more words of encouragement.
Phoenix gave in and took off his blue suit jacket and hung it over the back of his chair to make room for his stellar brand new outfit. “Ahh… Man, why did I even come…”
“The tie, too,” Miles reminded him.
“Of course.” Phoenix loosened then discarded his red tie—forgetting it along with his jacket over the back of his chair—and tied the Steel Samurai one around his neck. “Of course.” He repeated.
“Lookin’ good, Herr Wright!” Klavier took out his phone.
“Hey, no pictures until we all have our gifts!” Phoenix complained, putting a hand in front of his face.
“Too late,” Athena proclaimed, and Phoenix realized she’d already sneakily taken a picture of him.
Apollo leaned over the table, a smirk on his face. “Athena, let me see it.”
“Enough.” Phoenix grabbed her phone instead. “Didn’t you want to go next, Athena? Will her Secret Satan please come forward?”
“You can try to take our eyes off you, Wright-dono,” Simon chimed in, “but nothing will take away the fact that you look like those paintings on the side of carnival rides.”
This was the thing that finally broke Miles, apparently, as his silent satisfaction portrayed as an ear-to-ear smile turned into a laughing fit. He didn’t stand out much, though, given everyone but Phoenix began guffawing and didn’t stop for about half a minute. Nahyuta was hiding his face behind his hands as Simon repeatedly slapped his knee and the table, while Klavier and Eustace, both their faces bright red, were grabbing each other’s arms to avoid falling over.
“Very funny,” Phoenix said; and judging by the chuckle he was desperately attempting to hold back, he really did find it quite humorous. “But now, seriously, let’s see your gift, Athena.”
She wiped a tear of laughter that was rolling down her cheek. “Yeah, yeah, my gift. Who has it?”
Klavier took a couple deep breaths to steady himself and rubbed a hand over his ribs, which hurt from all the laughter, before handing her a golden gift bag. “That would be me. I hope you like it, Fräulein.”
“Sure will,” Athena side-eyed him as she took out the present and hastily unwrapped it. “What in the world…?”
“Turn it around so we can all see it,” Klavier indicated, doing a circular motion with his index finger.
Athena complied, her lips curving into a bewildered smile, and showed her colleagues a T-shirt with the words ‘Best Grandpa Ever’ written in a font that made it seem like the letters were on fire. A picture of an old man—that nobody recognized—wearing sunglasses and giving a thumbs-up was under the message.
“Whose grandfather is that?” Simon asked when he finished chuckling.
“It’s a stock picture from the third page of Google Images,” Klavier explained.
“‘Best Grandpa Ever’” Eustace repeated in stitches as he pointed at Athena’s present, a simple act that threw all the attorneys into the second but surely not last laughing fit of the night. Between cackles, Eustace finished his drink and raised his hand to order another one, paying no heed to Miles’ blatant side eye.
“Put it on!” Phoenix was now the one encouraging Athena.
Klavier grabbed the golden gift bag back and dug around for something else. “Oh, and don’t forget this.”
He handed Athena a Halloween scarf that sat on the bottom and had gone unnoticed. It was deep purple and had pumpkins, ghosts, and bats sewn all over it.
Although more brief, another round of laughter ensued.
“Wrong festivity.” Nahyuta smiled, amused.
“Funnier this way.” Klavier shrugged.
Still smiling, Athena wrapped her wooly present around her neck, then softly hit Simon’s shoulder with one of the ends.
“Simon, you’re up next.”
“Me?” His expression turned serious.
“We’re going clockwise around the table,” Athena pointed out, doing a wide circular motion with her hand.
Before she even finished saying that sentence, Nahyuta already had a Christmas-patterned gift bag out. Simon turned white upon seeing this.
“Absolutely not.”
“You would be so disrespectful as to turn down a present from a colleague?” Nahyuta batted his eyelashes twice.
“I would. And I think you know that,” Simon replied without missing a beat.
“I do, of course; but you must take it. Those are the rules.”
“C’mon, Herr Samurai, don’t be scared!” Klavier teased him.
“Shut your bloody mouth,” was the immediate response, and Klavier wondered whether Simon had ever directed a different phrase at him.
Frowning, Simon snatched the gift bag from Nahyuta’s hand, turned it downwards letting the present fall on the table, and tore the wrapping paper apart like he had a personal vendetta against it.
“Hilarious,” Simon sneered, as he unveiled a diadem with panda ears on the sides. He promptly put it on, not waiting a single second for his colleagues to start nagging him until he did so. “And… what is this?”
Harshly, he unfolded a striped sweater that was also in the bag; it had black and white horizontal lines, and something was written in it in a fancy font, the letters glittery-pink. Upon noticing the striking similarity between the pattern in the sweater and that of a prison uniform, the other attorneys went quiet one by one, holding their breath and displaying their best poker face, awaiting Simon’s reaction. Strangely, Nahyuta seemed calm and sure of himself.
“‘Looks CAN kill, that’s why I’m in prison…’” Simon read out loud, not a single hint of emotion in his tone or expression.
“Look at the back,” Nahyuta instructed.
Simon did as told. “‘... Just kidding! I was framed for murder.’”
There were some glittery red lipstick marks printed around the text.
Nobody dared move for a couple seconds—although it felt like they were all sitting still for several minutes—, all eyes on Simon.
Eustace, his face almost purple as he’d not fully stopped cackling since Phoenix opened his gift, accidentally let out a snort. This opened the gates. Simon belly-laughed so suddenly and earnestly it made everyone jump out of their skin before they followed with some nervous chuckles.
“This is terrible for my heart,” Miles said to himself.
“Sad Monk, when were you planning to tell me you have a sense of humor?” Simon asked in between chuckles.
Before Nahyuta could say anything in response, Simon gave him a ‘gentle’ pat in the back as a sign of approval that almost made the former’s right lung come out through his throat. Apollo winced on his brother’s behalf, seeing as Nahyuta stayed as straight and rigid as possible, trying to feign indifference yet instantly failing.
“Holy Mother…” Nahyuta managed, in a whisper. He inhaled deeply. “You are a brute-”
“Cykes-dono,” Simon continued, paying no mind to his colleague’s complaints, “this exchange is the best idea you have ever had. You always outdo yourself.”
“This is the best night of my life,” Eustace agreed while using a napkin to dry the tears of laughter rolling down his cheeks.
Athena, in turn, directed everyone’s gaze to the plain white bag she’d just taken from under her chair, afraid someone else might hurt themself or others if the attention remained on Simon’s gift. “Mr. Sahdmadhi, you’re next! And look, I’m your Secret Satan! Congratudolences!” She winked before handing it to Nahyuta, who quietly and reluctantly accepted it.
Simon was smiling with his teeth.
“Open it, Sad Monk!” He shouted, almost right in Nahyuta's ear.
“Are you sure this is gonna end up fine?” Phoenix whispered to Miles as the others also urged Nahyuta to open the gift. “I mean, Mr. Sahdmadhi has never been much of a jokester, to put it mildly. And Mr. Blackquill is pushing all his buttons like he’s trying to land a space shuttle without any previous training.”
“You’ve always had a way with words, Wright,” Miles said in return. “They will be fine… I hope.”
Nahyuta meticulously took the wrapping paper apart, folding it neatly on the table as everybody waited for him to acknowledge the present. He unfolded the black T-shirt in front of him; the bold, white text printed in it read ‘I <3 Peppers’ and, suitably, it was floating among many images of all sizes and shapes of the culinary vegetable. Out of the shirt fell a diadem with two springs on top: one with a bright red bell pepper attached to its end, and the other with a yellow one.
Apollo took it and placed it on Nahyuta’s head as the others giggled. “No way. This is amazing, Athena.” He placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder and held the shirt up with the other. “Try the shirt on, too!”
“Quit yelling,” Nahyuta replied dryly.
“Aw,” Phoenix said softly, “that’s almost endearing. Look at you, Mr. Sahdmadhi!”
“This is the life,” Simon commented, as he sipped on his drink then flicked one of the peppers on Nahyuta’s new diadem to make it move to the sides.
Nahyuta slapped his hand away. “Must I really wear this all night?”
“And on New Year’s!” Athena reminded him. “So we’re always with you. Isn’t that nice? Apollo, your turn!”
Nahyuta sulked. Simon kept flicking the peppers on his diadem. The music and chattering were too loud and the floors were sticky. It had been snowing for a while and his hands and feet were cold even though it was like a million degrees inside the bar because the heating was working overtime. Or perhaps because Nahyuta was simply in Hell.
“Here you go,” Phoenix handed Apollo a candy cane-patterned gift bag. “Gavin, make sure not to miss this, you’re gonna love it.”
“... What does that even mean?” Apollo stared at his present like it was a bomb about to explode.
Beaming, Klavier—who’d been watching from the sidelines for a while—straightened up in his chair. “Ja? Then, I won’t even blink. C’mon, Herr Forehead, I’m getting impatient.”
“I just grabbed the bag,” Apollo replied.
He took out the present with slightly shaky hands. The wrapping paper was purple. Oh no.
Hesitantly, he made a small hole in it so he could take a peek. Whatever was inside was also purple. A very particular shade of purple. Klavier’s eyes were glimmering. Oh no.
“Better rip the band-aid off.” Phoenix took a sip of his drink, then smirked. “Get it over with quickly.”
With no energy to think up a condescending answer to that, Apollo did as told. He tore apart the wrapping paper all at once and out came many merchandise items. Klavier Gavin merchandise items, to be exact: a shirt, a bandana, bracelets, sunglasses, pins—the whole nine yards. The look on both Apollo and Klavier’s faces was priceless but for very different reasons.
“No way,” Apollo muttered.
“No way!” Klavier exclaimed. “You are incredible, Herr Wright. You rock. Is this-?”
“- really necessary?” Apollo finished the sentence.
“I was gonna say ‘non-refundable’, hoping that it was.” Klavier laughed.
He then began tying the bandana around Apollo's forehead—much to the latter’s annoyance—and made him put on the G-shaped sunglasses. Nahyuta, grinning like a child in front of a candy store, started helping by putting the bracelets on Apollo’s arm.
“Stop. I said stop! I can’t even see with these! Why are the lenses dark purple?” Apollo complained before taking the shades off.
“You have to wear everything inside your bag,” Phoenix reminded him.
“Why are you two conspiring against me?” Apollo untied the knot and also took off the bandana. He turned to Klavier, frowning. “I should’ve gotten you something way worse than what I got you.”
“Herr Forehead, you’re my Secret Satan? Aw, let me see what you bought for me!” Klavier smiled wide, ignoring the rest.
Apollo practically threw a flashy, Christmas tree-patterned gift bag in his direction. “Here.”
The first thing to come out of the bag was a comically large, 3-tier-cake-shaped ‘Happy birthday!’ top hat, with candles on top accounting for orange LEDs on the ends that lit up. The table turned into a giggle-fest, and it got even worse when Klavier pulled out a cyan T-shirt that read ‘I got beat in court by the Wright Anything Agency several times and all I got was this stupid shirt’.
Annoyed, the patrons sitting at the neighbouring tables had been shooting the attorneys stern looks for quite some time now, but nobody except for Nahyuta seemed to be aware, let alone embarrassed. Mary kept glancing at them and laughing to herself every time a present was opened.
“Your birthday is today?” Eustace panicked. He was on his third drink now—nobody’d noticed him finishing the second one and ordered another—and Miles had given up on the matter completely.
“Nein, nein, what are you saying?” Klavier replied while struggling to balance the cake hat on his head. “You were at my birthday party just a few months ago!”
“I’m so confused.” Eustace rubbed his eyes.
“Herr Forehead, I feel honored,” Klavier put a hand over his chest. “This is one of the worst presents I have ever received—and yet, I will treasure it and wear the shirt as much as possible. Don’t know about the hat, though.”
Apollo didn’t reply—just averted his gaze and sunk into his chair a little. Athena was taking pictures of everyone but herself wearing their gifts. Simon kept playing with Nahyuta’s diadem and the latter was dissociating at that point.
“It’s my turn!” Eustace yelled as he slammed his drink on the table and rubbed his hands like a fly. “Who is it? Who’s my Secret Satan?”
Phoenix leaned over towards Miles. “Why are you letting him drink so much?”
“Why are you acting like I’m his father?” Miles replied. “He’s 27, and it’s almost Christmas. Let him do whatever he wants and regret it tomorrow.”
Amidst whispers, Simon handed Eustace a muted red gift bag.
“I didn’t have wrapping paper, so I used an old newspaper-”
In one ear and out the other. Eustace tore the makeshift wrapping paper apart in a blink and unfolded the T-shirt inside. Squinting, he stared at it for five seconds until he processed what was written in it, then bursted out laughing so hard he folded over the table.
“Show us!” Klavier took the shirt from Eustace, took a look at it, and held it up for everyone to see.
Although an unassuming gray, it had drawings of hearts, toilets, and plungers all over it, and a text which read “PLUNGER PRIDE” in bold, white letters. Underneath, a smaller text said “2002-2029”.
“I was trying to decide between ‘Since 2002’ or just ‘2029’, but I forgot to double-check what I’d written before I sent it to print,” Simon explained, “so it reads like you are going to bite the dust next year. I hope you don’t mind.”
And Eustace certainly didn’t—one could go as far as to say he absolutely loved it. He was out of air at that point, desperately coughing, and his contagious laughter made everyone around the table—save for Apollo and Nahyuta—lose it.
“... Is this some kind of inside joke we’re not a part of?” Apollo asked Nahyuta. “Does he moonlight as a plumber, or-?
“This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten,” Eustace claimed as Klavier helped him put on the shirt, on top of the clothes he was already wearing. “Mr. Blackquill… Give me your hand.” He extended his hand, palm up, over the table. Simon didn’t take it. “I love you. I love all of you. I’m so happy right now I could die.”
“OK, no more drinks for you, my Freund.” Klavier lowered Eustace’s other hand—he was already raising it to get Mary’s attention and order his fourth glass. “Why don’t you give Herr Edgeworth his present, hm?”
Perplexed, Eustace stared at his friend for a few seconds. “... How did you know I’m his Secret Satan?”
Miles answered instead. “Because I am the only one left without a gift, and you are the only one who has not given anyone a present, Eustace. Just hand me the bag.” He gestured with his hand like ‘Give me it’.
“Ohhh, of course!” Eustace hit his own forehead with his palm, then reached for the magenta gift bag under his seat and handed it to Miles.
After slightly bowing his head as a sign of gratitude, Miles noted how the present was neatly wrapped and even had a red bow as a cherry on top, and he in turn gifted Eustace a truthful, warm smile; it would be short-lived, however, because as soon as Miles unwrapped his present he came face to face with a fuzzy fuchsia sweater.
“What in the world…?” he muttered, puzzled.
Eustace suddenly guffawed as if he’d just remembered what he’d bought for his mentor. “Oh, you have to look at the front! Look at it!” He elbowed Klavier. “You’re going to think I’m so funny. Like, full of peas.”
“... ‘Full of beans’?” Miles corrected.
He unfolded the sweater, its front facing the other attorneys, delaying having to see it for as long as possible. Cackles ensued. Klavier, though, laughed so hard his hat fell off and landed in front of Nahyuta, who flinched like the thing was infected.
“I can’t believe this! Eustace, you’re incredible!” Klavier patted his friend in the back. His friend began coughing repeatedly again, thus Klavier patted him a bit harder so he could let it all out.
Miles sighed, then turned the sweater around. “Let’s see. What…?”
‘Too Prose-cute To Lose’, was what it said—in big, glittery black calligraphy.
“Hmph. You really liked that group name suggestion, did you not, Eustace?”
“Of course he did, it was amazing!” Klavier began pointing fingers at everyone around the table, still feeling betrayed. “And we should’ve gone with it for the Trivia Night! But, like I said back then,” he flicked his bangs, “they hate to see a handsome, talented man being also witty.”
“Yes, yes, whatever you say, Mr. Gavin.” Miles kept feeling the fuzzy, soft texture of the sweater. It seemed comfortable enough, yes, but it was extremely ugly. “Eustace, couldn’t you have picked a bolder color? My God…”
Eustace stopped laughing abruptly. “You wanted a different one? But that’s the color of your suit!”
“That is not the color of my suit.” Baffled, Miles held the sweater in front of him so the others could compare. “My suit is burgundy, see? There couldn’t be more of a striking difference between the shades. This is ridiculous.” He folded it and put it back in the gift bag.
“Ah-ah-ah. Not so fast.” Phoenix shook his head as he grabbed Miles’ wrist to stop him. “You have to put it on. Over your shirt.”
“Of course,” Miles replied, defeated, in the exact same cadence as Phoenix when the roles had been reversed minutes before. “How could I forget.”
·················🍸·················•
“Should we take a pic together?” Athena suggested when everyone had their gifts on. “We could ask Mary to-”
“Better if we do it on New Year’s Day,” Phoenix interrupted her, “so Trucy’s in it, too.”
“Oh, you’re right.” Athena put her phone back in her pocket. She turned to Miles. “What about your sister, Gumshoe, Ema, Eddie…? Are any of them able to make it?”
“It is unlikely,” Miles replied, “they all told me they already have other plans.”
“Who are those people?” Eustace took a hand to his forehead to check if he had a fever, then rested his head on Klavier’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around him. “Is anyone else hot? Klavier, I’m dying. I’m gonna die and you’re all gonna have to watch and wait until they take my body out on a stretcher, like, with a sheet covering me because I’m dead. I’m so sorry.”
“You know all those people I just mentioned personally,” Miles reminded him. “And I think it is time for you to go home. Grab your coat and wait for me by the car-”
“No! This is the best night of my life!” He released Klavier to cling onto Miles’ arm. “I love you, Mr. Edgeworth. I love everybody. I’m so happy.”
The long, tired sigh about to leave Miles’ lungs turned into something different as he looked down at Eustace, drunk and cheerful, the paths all the tears of laughter had left rolling down his cheeks still faintly embedded on his face as reminders of how much love there was around that table—as corny as Miles found this realization at first.
He looked up to his side and the warm orange neons on one of the walls and the blue neons of another both hit Phoenix’s eyes just right for just a second and it made them look like a starry night sky. Athena was showing him the pictures she’d taken that night and he was laughing wholeheartedly—at one point, his laugh was in sync with the music. Simon and Nahyuta were now arguing, and Klavier was trying to squeeze answers out of Apollo, who was stubbornly replying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to all of his questions. The biggest feeling of deja-vu overcame Miles. How many times had a similar scene played in front of his eyes? But now Eustace’s hands felt bigger as they wrapped around Miles’ arm, and Athena had surely grown a couple inches that year, and Phoenix had creases by his eyes and more smile lines around his mouth.
The snow and time were both starting to melt out the window.
A tired sigh turned a relieved exhale. An old, sticky table seated Miles’ whole world around it.
“Fine. We can stay a little longer.”