Chapter Text
how much longer till the morning?
are my legs gonna last?
is it too much to ask?
is it too much to ask?
is it too much to ask?
is it too much to ask?
is it?
Sunlight streamed in from the gap in the curtains, illuminating the dust particles dancing in the air and falling on the face of the sleeping prince. He frowned, eyes still shut, and turned over to avoid the intrusion on his sleep.
He had been dreaming of him again, and although he knew it was wrong, although he knew that any second he would have to face the real thing and act like everything was normal, he was desperate to re-enter the dream and feel the peace he had felt just moments ago.
He lay in the semi-dark, the room silent save for a few twittering birds that flew past his window, and tried to will himself back to sleep. He had another reason for wanting to sleep, a reason he had told no one.
When he was tired, they would come. He couldn't stop them once they were there, but they would come. They were the only thing he couldn't fight.
It was no good, he was awake now, and there was no way that he was going back to sleep. Sighing, he opened his eyes and checked in with how his body was feeling, something that was second nature to him at this point. Satisfied with how he felt, he sat up and opened the curtains on his four poster bed.
He stretched and looked around, taking in how light the room was. Where was Merlin? He should have woken him up by now, the sun was far too high in the sky. He walked to his door with furrowed brows, and called down the hall for a servant to fetch his useless manservant.
Muttering to himself about Merlin's unreliability, he attempted to pick out clothes for the day and at least get near to dressing himself correctly. How hard could it be? If idiot merlin could do it, it would be a piece of cake for Arthur.
After several minutes a replacement manservant who introduced himself as George arrived and informed him that Merlin was otherwise occupied, before helping him finish getting dressed. Vowing to hunt Merlin down after training, Arthur made his way down to the grounds to begin the day's work training the prospective knights. With the stress of the disrupted morning and the change in routine, the clanging of metal on metal, the constant physical strain of fighting for hours on end, and the stress of commanding that many men, verbally beating them into submission to teach them to obey his authority, it was all taking a toll on his energy. He could feel himself being worn down by the strain.
Panting, he removed his helmet and put his weapons back, congratulating the men on a good day's work and reminding them to have a drink of water before they went on with their days. He himself took a large drink from a waterskin provided by George. He thought to himself as he drank that merlin would never have thought to bring a waterskin for him, and that he ought to tell him to do so in the future, before remembering that Merlin wasn't there to be told anything, and that Arthur had better go find where his was sooner rather than later.
Once all his armour was off and he had changed into some clean clothes, he marched over to Gaius' chambers to find out just where the hell Merlin had got to this time, hoping he would be somewhere that meant he would be back in time to bring him supper and prepare him for bed. He vowed to himself as he walked that if Merlin was in the tavern again he would make sure he didn't get a day off for several months.
“Merlin?!” he called as he climbed the stairs, taking them two at a time. Not waiting to knock, he burst into the physicians chambers and looked around, half expecting to see Merlin sit at the table or treating a wounded peasant. Instead, he was greeted by a grumpy looking gaius boiling some small vial and checking it against a colour chart Arthur couldn't care less about.
“Is something the matter, sire?”
“Merlin.” Arthur snapped, “where is he?”
“I sent him to collect rare and vital herbs in the woods, he may be gone a while” gaius answered, distracted by the vial in his hand.
“Right. Well let him know when he gets back that my armour needs polishing and the horses need mucking out.” Arthur huffed through his teeth, turning on his heel and storming out and down the stairs, all the way to his chambers. It was there that he finally collapsed into his desk chair and rested his head in his hands.
On his desk was a half written letter to his uncle Agravaine, inviting him to spend the week at Camelot. Arthur had tried to get his uncle to visit many times over the years, but had never succeeded in doing so. It always seemed his uncle had something else to do that was far more important than seeing his only nephew and allowing him to ask all the questions he was never able to ask his father regarding his mother. Arthur had decided that this letter was his last attempt at getting him to visit. After this one as its swift but certain apology for declining, he would simply not try again.
Picking up his quill, he searched for the right words, trying to keep the letter formal whilst still displaying his want to connect with his uncle, but still keeping enough decorum not to sound desperate. It took a while and a lot of energy, but finally by evening he had finished the final draft and was just sealing it when George, the replacement manservant from the morning, came to dress him for dinner with his father and morgana.
Dinner was quiet, his father distracted by a crop failure in an important supply village and Morgana angry at them both over some magic user Uther had executed that morning. Even Arthur himself was distracted, worrying despite himself about Merlin, if he was safe, if he was really doing what Gaius had so obviously been lying about, or whether he was actually in danger. Consoling himself that Merlin was too much of a coward not to take someone with him on a dangerous mission that Arthur was fairly sure didn't even exist, he tuned back into the conversation to catch the end of a question his father had been directing at him.
“..wouldnt you say, Arthur?"
“I'm sorry father, I was distracted, what was it you said?” Arthur asked, hoping his father would let it slide.
“Honestly Arthur, how do you expect to be king when you can't even hold a conversation at the table? I was suggesting that the best plan would be to put everyone on grain rations for a few months so that we have enough for this winter” Uther sighed, looking away from his son
“Right, yes, that sounds like an excellent plan, father,” Arthur gabbled, trying to sound like he wasn't filling up with dread inside. He made sure to pay extra close attention to the topic of conversation that night.
Once back in his room, George helped him dress for bed and closed all the curtains before bidding him a goodnight and leaving.
Finally in the comfort of his own bed, Arthur allowed his brain to go haywire, overthinking and hashing out plans for impossible situations, worrying over Merlin, panicking over his father, fretting about the growing distance between him and Morgana. Why did Gaius feel the need to lie to him? Did he think Arthur stupid enough that he didn't even need to lie convincingly? Did everyone think he was stupid? Did everyone think he was unfit to be king like his father did? What if he never lived up to his fathers image? What if his father disowned him and named a distant cousin crown prince?
What about those who did believe in him? What about when they found out the truth? What about when they realised that he was too broken to ever be king? How could he lead men into battle when he couldn't keep himself together? How would he ever find a queen that would put up with what happened to him if he just got tired?
All these thoughts and worries swirled round and round his head, and he felt the dark feeling fill him up, starting in his stomach and spreading to his fingers and toes, making him curl up into the fetal position. He shouldn't cry. He couldn't cry. He didn't cry. He shook. He shook and shook, his stomach convulsing, his eyes rolling, his body jerking and twisting, his fingers twitching, his body out of control.
When the convulsions subsided, he just lay there, staring at his bed curtains and watching the dust caught in the fabric dance in his breath in front of him until he fell asleep.
When he woke up the next morning, he couldn't move his legs.
He was used to it by now.
Notes:
thank you so much for reading! song at the begining is pool by samia
i may release an extended cut of this fic as another chapter or even a whole fic if this gets enough traction for me to feel like its worth it. let me know if you want more disabled arthur!
Chapter Text
Passed Alger Brook Road, I'm over the bridge
A minute from home but I feel so far from it
The death of my dog, the stretch of my skin
It's all washin' over me, I'm angry again
The things that I lost here, the people I knew
They got me surrounded for a mile or two
The car's in reverse, I'm grippin' the wheel
I'm back between villages and everything's still
The next morning he was woken up by Merlin like usual, and it took everything Arthur had left not to hug him as the curtains were clumsily wrenched open and a disappointing breakfast was laid out. Arthur had no idea how to explain that he couldn't stand, trying to get his legs to move. His left leg seemed to shake a little when he tried really hard, but just trying drained him.
“Where have you been?” he barked.
“Oh, ur, had to collect some herbs for gaius, very rare, had to travel far.” Merlin replied, not meeting his eye. Arthur rolled his eyes, seeing the limp that Merlin was sporting. Not that he was jealous or anything, Merlin could do anything or anyone he wanted, Arthur didn't care, what he did care about was Merlin doing it instead of working.
“Well since you like doing little chores, you can go and muck out my horses, polish my armour, clean my boots, wash my clothes, and fetch..gaius for me.” he tried to say it all with the same level of confidence but his voice wavered slightly on the last command, his mask of confidence slipping for just a second
“Gaius?” Merlin frowned, “what d’you need him f-”
“It is not your job to question me, it is your job to do as your told. My life is intensely complicated and far too intricate for you to understand now, fetch him at once before completing your chores.” It was a rant that Arthur had ready to go at any time in case Merlin caught him out.
“Yes, sire.” Merlin replied shortly, bowing and exiting the room to fetch Gaius.
Arthur dragged his body to the side of his bed and lifted his legs over the side, planting his fists either side of himself and attempting to lift himself to his feet and let momentum carry him to the table. He stood and was able to keep his balance for a second or so before his knees buckled and he fell, flailing, to the floor, sharp agony shooting up his legs, a sharp crack bouncing round the room.
He hissed in pain and shifted to sitting before dragging himself to the table and using all the remaining strength in his upper body to lift himself to the chair and sit down, before rearranging his legs to look like he was sitting normally. Looking at the food, it was hard to feel particularly hungry, and not just because the spread that merlin had prepared was sub par even for his standards, but the nausea that usually came after an episode like his one last night had taken hold, but he had to keep up appearances, and if he was to throw up he'd prefer there be something in him rather than bile.
He picked at his food and was just considering throwing some out the window to make it look like he ate it when there was a knock at the door.
“Come in” he called to Gaius who quickly entered, his medical bag in hand and a smile on his face.
“What is it you are in need of this morning, sire?” Gaius asked, clearly confused about the reason he was there but hiding it well with a smile and his ever confusing one raised eyebrow.
“What I am to tell you must stay between you and I, gaius, my father must not hear of this, nor must Merlin, nor anyone else. Do I have your word?” Arthur said with as much royalty he could muster in his voice
“Yes sire, of course, you have my word, what is the matter?” gaius said, becoming more worried about what the situation could be
“I… I woke up this morning lacking the ability to.. To move my legs," Arthur confessed, looking away from the physician.
“I see sire…may i ask how you got to be sitting at the table?”
“I don't see how that's relevant.” Arthur snapped, regretting reaching out for help instantly as he realised just how weak this whole thing made him seem.
“I only mean to ascertain the amount of movement that is lost and whether you may have accidentally inflicted extra wounds to your person” gaius said, calmly and slowly
“Right, of course… they do not move very much, the limit of movement is…well a slight shaking. I had to..” he paused, letting himself feel all the shame before he saw Gaiuse's disappointed face as he realised just how broken the crown prince was, “i had to drag myself over, i sent merlin away so he would not see.” he finished, sighing after and keeping his eyes on anything but the physician
“I see” Gaius replied simply, raking his eyes over Arthur and attempting to understand what could have caused such an injury “did you injure yourself at all yesterday? At training perhaps?” He asked carefully, placing his bag on the table and kneeling down to examine his legs
“No, although-” he stopped himself, cursing whatever part of him thought it was alright to open up about his episodes.
“Although what, sire? It is important that you tell me everything that could be relevant so I can administer the correct treatment”
“I have your word you will tell no one?”
“My word”
“There is this…” Arthur struggled to find the right words “this thing that happens, when I’m tired or feeling…stressed, it only happens when I am by myself, and I can't really stop it..its like” he paused again, looking at gaius at last “like I am not fully in control of my body, it clenches up and shakes, and there is nothing I can do to control it. My stomach compresses and aches and my body is shook by…whatever it is, until it is done.” he sighed and sat back, leaning against the back of the chair, un-tensing his muscles now he had finally said it
“I see sire. May I ask how long these…attacks have been happening?”
“On and off for…well for about the last year I suppose. It started when I noticed a pain in my back, just a twinge that I thought nothing more of..but it just carried on, getting worse every day. I've gotten used to it now, I um… the pain killers that I ask of you were actually for that, not for a battle wound..” he smiled sheepishly, “ but the…attacks started soon after. Sometimes I wake up and my hand is clamped shut. I can wrench it open but the pain…it doesn't feel worth it most of the time. This lack of control in my legs has happened once before, but I was able to play it away by saying I had a nasty cold and that I'd rather stay in bed and rest.”
Gaius nodded and smiled, silently affirming that he was listening and believing. “Why did you never bring this to me before?” he asked, opening up his bag and beginning to pick out the ingredients he would need
“I did not want to show my…weakness, the king would never hear of his son being so unreliable.”
“Uther is not so heartless as to disown his son for something like this” gaius comforted, but the words fell on deaf ears. Arthur knew his father, not as well as some, but enough to know he would never stand to have an heir so..broken.
“Im surprised you never told Merlin." Gaius mused as he mixed up a pain draught, “he out of anyone would understand.”
“What do you mean, gaius?”
“His pain, have you never noticed?” Gaius said as he handed the small bottle to Arthur, “small sips, don't take it in one go or you'll throw it back up rather quickly”
“Pain?” Arthur said, perplexed. In all his complaining, Merlin had never mentioned any pain. “what kind of pain?” he sipped at the yellow liquid, the chalky texture drying out his throat.
Gaius handed him a glass of water once he was finished, “a type of pain that cannot be healed, one he was born with”
Arthur had met peasants that had ailments and illnesses that had plagued them since birth, but they were usually deformed limbs or speech impediments, Merlin seemed to have nothing wrong with him, and yet Gaius said that it had followed him since birth? He put the matter to the back of his mind, vowing to talk to Merlin about it once he had the chance.
“What do you think could be ailing me?” he asked tentatively, hoping it was something simple that could be cured with a healing mixture and a nap
“Im not entirely sure, sire. I have heard of such conditions before, of course, but I do not believe that a cure has ever been found. It is possible that it could be something else, something new, possibly sorcery, but I will need time to consult my books.” her replied, getting out a small bag from his medicine bag and handing it over, “this here is a calming poultice, keep it under your pillow and the smell should keep the attacks at bay, if they persist we will try a sleeping draught so you may drift off before they have a chance to come.”
Arthur took the small package carefully and nodded his head in thanks. Gaius began to pack up his things, bidding goodday to Arthur and leaving. Arthur sniffed the pouch gingerly and suddenly found that the dark feeling that had been sitting in his stomach began to lift. The fizzing in his veins became muffled and he felt able to breathe fresh air again.
It was that moment Merlin chose to enter once more, trailing dirt from the stable in behind him and looking rather put out.
Arthur sat bolt upright and hid the pouch under some sheets of parchment. He cleared his throat and attempted to look bored.
“I have no idea what you do when you clean my horse's stables that get you quite so disgustingly dirty” he quipped, picking at the bread on his plate before pushing it to the side.
“Well,since you insist I do it rather than the stable staff, the stables get really mucky” Merlin replied, starting to clear up the trail of muck he had left without being asked. Now that Arthur was paying attention, there was a slight strangeness in the way Merlin bent over as he began to clear up the mud, like something was bothering, the faint flinch that only showed in his eyebrows, the way he preferred to lean his weight on his left, how he tended to move around different parts of the job rather than keep still, the limp that was still there from that morning.
“Is something the matter, Merlin?" he said kindly, softening his features and watching him work
Merlin paused, looking up at the change in tone and took in Arthur's worried expression. He smiled, not very convincingly, and shook his head.
“Im fine, arthur, theres nothing to worry about.” he said as he finished cleaning up the last part of mud. He stood up slowly, leaning on a pillar for support. Arthur frowned, drawing his eyes over merlin, a look of concern on his face.
“You are clearly in pain, I simply want to find out why.” he said, wishing he could get up and make merlin let him help.
“Tripped on a tree root while looking for herbs yesterday, nothing more” he said with a winning smile.
“Well make sure gaius takes a look at it, i need you in good health in time for my next hunting trip” he said, half hoping he wouldn't be so he could have an excuse to stay home in case his legs were not recovered in time. He realised he was still at the table which he was sure looked incredibly suspicious to Merlin. He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat, gearing himself up for what he was about to say.
“Look, i know about your secret, gaius told me you've had it since birth. I understand that it wasn't his secret to tell, but i just want to let you know that it changes nothing, okay? I… i experience something similar myself actually, and i suppose gaius thought that by telling me of your… affliction, it might give me the courage to ask you…for help” Arthur took a deep breath and waited for merlin to reply, every cell in his body tensed up in apprehension
“My- my secret?” Merlin stuttered, clearly terrified.
“Yes, your pain, gaius said you've had all your life, that you've learned how to cope with it” Arthur explained, feeling exasperated. The pain draught wasn't kicking in like it should have been by now. His knees had stopped throbbing, but his back was still on fire whenever he moved, every breath was punctuated with a pang of pain.
Merlin stiffened, and quickly gathered his cleaning equipment, "I have no idea what you're talking about, I need to go, I have chores to do” and he was out the door like a flash, leaving Arthur very confused and alone.
Notes:
thank you so much for reading! i dont really have a plan for this fic so if you have any ideas do comment them and you may see them appear in the story!
song at the beginning is the view between villages by noah kahan
as always, remember to drink water
Chapter Text
Every night
Think of things I can't do or haven't done
It doesn't make me weak, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe
Is that all you see in me?
Don't you wait for something more
I'll still be sinking to the floor
Oh, you can't help it no-more
Is it my doing? Is it my doing?
Outside it's getting colder
Why does it feel like I'm older than I ask to be?
But when you say my name
It all falls away so tenderly
Don't you wait for something more
I'll still be sinking to the floor
Oh, you tried to help me
Why do I feel so cold?
Is it my doing? Is it my doing?
By the time the hunting trip came just over a week later, Arthur had regained enough mobility to walk with enough control that he was pretty sure he would be able to stalk most prey he found. Luckily, he wouldn't have to, as this was a bird hunting trip rather than deer or other easily startled animals. On this trip, he could make as much noise as he wanted as long as he was able to keep proper princely composure.
His balance was still a bit off as one of his toes had decided to lock curled up, throwing him off a surprising amount. He had been practising his walking and quiet creeping in his room late at night, and had gotten to the point that unless you already knew something was wrong, you wouldn't notice a thing.
Arthur could feel it though, the pain of the disjointed movement with every step, having to overcorrect every movement. It was exhausting, and of course only led to more episodes of convulsions the more tired he became. It was a vicious cycle he could only break with Gaius' regular sleeping draughts.
Gaius was no closer to working out what it was, not that Arthur was surprised. He'd been living with it too long to have any hope that it could be fixed. He felt stupid for even bringing it up, even if the small but if support had been nice. He felt like he was wasting the physician's time, and that Gaius could be working on much more important medical emergencies. Damned Merlin teaching him sympathy.
He tried to be grateful that he was getting the treatment but he was all too aware that it was only because he was a member of the royal family and if he was any lower on the pecking order he would probably never have even had the opportunity to talk to Gaius about it, let alone receive treatment.
Despite all the special treatment Arthur had been receiving, it seemed there was no cure. All Gaius had been able to do was give him pain killers and false hope for a day or so. The pain killers were the only thing that had done him anything good.
Thankfully, they weren't on horseback for this trip, although Arthur was not looking forward to the next time he would inevitably have to ride. Normally it just caused him more pain than usual in his back, but when he had extra symptoms like digit cramping, it just made the whole ordeal unbearable. When he had been younger, riding had been one of his favourite pastimes, when he could escape being prince Arthur, heir to the throne of Camelot and just be… Arthur, just him and his horse plus whatever servant was on supervision duty.
They arrived at the start of their trail mid morning and Merlin joined the other beaters up front, stick in hand and a look of resigned, tired, determination on his face that clearly indicated he'd rather be anywhere but there. Arthur had his crossbow in hand and a servant next to him with a sling of arrows, but Arthur was struggling to keep his focus on the track, too distracted by his own pain and the pain he could so clearly reflected in the face of his manservant. Merlin seemed to be using his unusually long beating stick as a kind of crutch, the top naturally curved over so it fit in his hand and timed with every step of the opposite leg.
The beaters began to move, shouting and hitting bushes, scaring pheasants and other birds into the air. Arthur loaded his crossbow and fired as quickly as he could, reloading and aiming before the first bird had even hit the ground. He hit several before the beaters were on the move again and he had to refocus his attentions to walking, keeping his balance and appearing the self confident, cocky prince that he had worked so hard to keep up a front of for all these years.
There was a short break where everyone was brought refreshments and most sat down for a bit, a break that no one welcomed more than Arthur. As soon as it was called, he collapsed down on the nearest tree log, not caring what the people watching thought as he stretched out his legs and took a moment to scan his body for pains and aches. His foot was the most painful, having to compensate for the dystonic toe. He took some water with thanks and downed most of the water skin. The forest was muggy in the midday sun, and Arthur found himself whipping his brow on his sleeve.
The second round was soon called and the beaters were quickly up on their feet and moving again, leaving Arthur to scramble to his feet and quickly fix his appearance so he would appear to all as put together as he could be. They began walking again, following the beaters who were up front. Arthur watched Merlin less now, focused more on keeping his composure, but he still noticed how Merlin was leaning on his stick more than he was hitting bushes.
Arthur managed to shoot about 10 birds before the end was called and all beaters began circling back, leaving Arthur to lead the way back to the castle, all eyes on him. He focused as much as he could on making every step as purposeful as possible, willing his legs to work in the way he was telling them too, internally screaming when they didn't. Merlin must have sensed this because as they matched paces he discreetly slipped his beating stick into Arthur's hand and he lent on it gratefully, nodding at Merlin in thanks, the most he was allowed to do.
Arthur often wished he wasn't a prince, that he could live the life he wanted rather than the life that had been mapped out for him since before he was born, the life that had been mapped out three generations ago, that had been chosen for him before he had taken his first breaths, before he had even seen any of the world he was dedicated to rule someday. But in that moment, he felt that he would give his life to have five minutes where he was able to say all the things he wanted, needed to say to Merlin. He honestly would have traded his life in that moment to tell Merlin just how much he…
Back in his room, he practised using the stick like he had seen Merlin use it earlier that day. He wondered as he did what Merlin giving him the stick had meant to him? Had it been a peace offering for the other week? Was he recognising Arthur's struggle? Did this mean that Arthur could recognise Merlin's pain in the same way? Was silent support okay? Did it go both ways? All these hidden signals and smuggled meanings was doing Arthur's head in and he decided it was best to just roll with what happened between him and Merlin in the future.
It didn't matter what he would give or what he would do, he was a prince, so they could never be friends, he could never share what he truly felt, could never show anyone the thoughts he kept locked up deep inside of him, the thoughts that threatened to consume him whole if he let down his guard for more than a second, the thoughts that when they spiralled too far had him shaking and crying in his bed late at night, unable to stop the convulsions that wracked his body.
Complicated feelings were best avoided in general when it came to thinking about Merlin.
Notes:
as always, thank you for reading! sorry this chapter was a little shorter than usual,but hopefully i should have the next one out soon!
song at the beginning was sinking by clairo
Chapter 4
Notes:
i would like to give thanks and credit to @elb0ws for being my case study for FND this fic. i love you, and i hope that this fic, however outside of your fandom range it is, can provide small comfort to you.
i also hope that this fic provides some comfort to anyone else struggling with the same or similar conditions to Arthur, and i want to remind you that your struggle is real, and its okay to reach out, just as he does. it all turns out alright in the end.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Well all I want is to just be free
To live my life the way I wanna to be
All I want is to just have fun
And live my life like it's just begun
But you're pushin' too hard
You're pushin' too hard on me
The toll of the hunting trip had been big on Arthur. His entire body ached, his back on fire, sending shockwaves of pain all the way down to his fingers and toes. He could barely move the day after, curled up in bed, trying not to sob as pain wreaked havoc on his body and mind.
Merlin kept up his silent support technique, of course. Simply bringing him food, water, pain killers, and changing the sweaty bedding around him, careful not to touch Arthur's sensitive skin and to stay with him as he seized, the convulsions worse than usual in his weakened, tired state.
His father, however, was none the wiser to Arthur's state, and this came at a price to the prince when two days after the trip, Arthur was called to the throne room. Merlin carefully helped him wash and dress, taking care not to touch the painful areas more than necessary.
Arthur found it best to dissociate throughout the whole ordeal, however used he was to being naked in front of his manservant for getting dressed and bathing. Something about this new layer of duties for Merlin felt..dirty, like he was weak for even letting Merlin think that he would need the help.
He lent on Merlin's arm most of the way to the throne room, trying to store up all the energy he would require facing his father and whatever mission he would need to go on now.
As they approached the doors Merlin quietly let go of Arthur and stepped back to walk behind him, and the guards opened the doors. There Uthur sat on his throne, scroll in hand, a stranger knelt on the ground in front of him. Uthur looked up as Arthur entered, and Arthur willed himself to walk normally, screwing his face into a look of bored curiosity.
He bowed, slightly slower than normal, his back crying out at the movement. He took a moment as he raised up to take in the room, trying to work out what kind of errand his father wanted him to run now. His eyes were drawn down to the woman still kneeling at the king's feet, and he wondered who she was and what she wanted.
She was dressed plainly, her hair knotted and tied up in a messy ponytail. Her clothes were worn and cheaply dyed a bricky brown, clearly put together by herself or someone from her village. Her eyes were ringed with red, and occasionally her body would be overcome with silent sobs, but no tear fell down her face.
“Arthur,” Uthur began, “there is a creature attacking the village of Greenswood. I want you to take your best knights and slaughter the beast before it reaches camelot.” and that was it. No mention of what the beast was, how to slay it, nothing. Was the king testing him, seeing just how loyal and obedient he could be?
“What manner of beast is it?” he asked, mustering all his nobility.
“A creature of magic,” Gaius replied, stepping forward, “it will not stop until it reaches Camelot. I will supply you with information about the creature once I have concluded my research on it.”
“Thank you Gaius, you've been most helpful” Uthur said, and sat back down in his seat as Merlin helped the woman up and back to Gaius' chambers for a calming bowl of soup and a change of clothes.
Arthur bowed to his father, turned on his heel, and walked out into the corridor, trying to ignore his pain just long enough to slip round the corner and collapse to the floor, grunting and clutching his lower back. He hated to even think it but he wished Merlin was there to help, even if just to throw a quip at him to get him moving again.
Taking a moment to catch his breath, Arthur stood up once more and hobbled back to his room, sinking into his desk chair and clutching his head in his hands, exhaustion from the walk back to his room alone threatening to overwhelm him, not to mention the stress of having to pretend all was well in front of not only his father but the whole court.
He had only been at his desk a short while before Merlin was hurrying in, a stack of paper and scrolls in his arms. He walked over to where Arthur was sitting at his desk and unceremoniously dumped them down on the neat stacks of paperwork carefully organised on the wooden table. Arthur sighed, not even gracing the clumsy thoughtlessness with a witty remark, too focused on staying awake and stopping himself from screaming from the pain.
Merlin stepped back, the formality that had fallen between them sitting heavy in the air. Arthur looked up and tried to come up with a jibe that would clear the air, but his brain just wasn't kicking into gear. He sighed and began sifting through the paper and scrolls, trying to decipher the words that were clearly English but looked foreign and strange to his pain-addled brain. In front of him, Merlin cleared his throat quietly. Arthur looked up.
“The ur, the creature is known as a basilisk.. A giant creature that can kill just by looking at its victims. Its ur..eyes are deadly, see? So looking at them kills you.” Merlin paused here to sit down, stretching out his left leg discreetly, but Arthur saw. “I guess your best bet is trying to take out its eyes and then kill it, or get a massive mirror and make it look at itself, but i dunno how you'd do that.” Merlin finished, visibly concealing his pain that he insisted didn't exist.
Arthur sighed and forced a smile on his face, “thank you Merlin, you've been very helpful” he said, hating how much he sounded like his father talking to Gaius. He hated that his automatic script was imitating his father, however helpful and diplomatic it was. The very idea of becoming a mini version of his father made him feel sick and trapped for some reason.
Merlin nodded and began to tidy Arthur’s bed, taking off the sheets that had been sweated through and throwing them in the wash basket. He limped over to the basket and slowly picked it up, and Arthur noticed he was favouring his right leg a lot more today than the day before. Perhaps something had happened to him? The hunting trip had battered Arthur’s body, maybe it had taken a toll on Merlin as well.
Merlin left soon after, his limp no longer hidden as soon as he thought that Arthur wasn’t looking, and went off to wash the bedsheets.
Arthur worried for Merlin, and not just because he was too weedy to lift a sword, but because he was so damn stubborn. He would never tell Arthur anything directly about himself without Arthur cajoling him into talking. He wished Merlin would just tell him about his pain, rather than this halfway hiding it but recognising that he can help Arthur.
Arthur shook his head, vowing to think it over when he had the chance. He pushed aside the paperwork that Merlin had given him and began to plot out a route to Greenswood on his map, making up a list of knights to take and supplies they would need. He sent off letters to the knights with lists of provisions to prepare via a servant and took a pain draught before beginning his own preparations.
His first priority was making sure he would have enough supplies to deal with the pain of being on horseback and possibly sleeping outdoors. He wasn’t sure for how long they were to be gone, so decided that supply wise he would pack for three days, planning to sleep two nights and hoping for none at all.
Next came planning for how to defeat this new foe. He knew he could not look into its eyes, but how to kill it when it was in the knowledge that it’s eyes could kill was beyond him. He would have to try and do it without even looking at the creature, which would be hard enough without it trying to kill him at the same time. Perhaps crossbows were the way to go? Or perhaps Merlin’s idea of a giant shiny surface wasn’t so idiotic after all, if he exhausted all other options.
Replies from all the knights he had sent for flurried in like snow all afternoon. Most had agreed, although one or two had declined, stating that while they were honoured to be called upon, the risk to life was too dangerous when they had a wife and children to think of.
These refusals meant Arthur had to send for even more knights, which meant more letters and planning on top of his already overwhelming load of work. Thankfully, these summons were met with letters of acceptance rather than refusal, which lightened some of the stress Arthur was feeling, but not nearly enough to help him sleep that night.
His dreams, when he did finally drift off in the early hours of the morning, were filled with man eating snakes, battling faceless monsters that kept morphing into people he knew. First it became his father, then Morgana, at one point he was just about to strike the creature when it changed into the shape of Merlin. He jolted awake as the blade sunk into flesh.
The night of fretful sleep hasn’t done him any favours. The little amount of energy he had saved was reserved for coping with riding, and he had no idea how he was going to be able to fight such a foe as he was soon going to see, especially as he had yet to come up with a strategy for killing it.
His horse was waiting for him in the courtyard as he hurried down from a rushed breakfast, and he was happy to see Merlin was to be riding next to him. Although he hated the divide it had created between them, he was glad that Merlin was aware of Arthur’s struggles. At least he had one friend who could help him, however silently.
Arthur wondered as he mounted his horse and began to adjust his clothes and packs so he would be as comfortable as he possibly could be whether he would ever have the type of relationship with Merlin where they could just…talk about what troubled them. Merlin clearly had something that bothered him, some memories that hurt him, a secret that rotted him inside out. Arthur only wished he confided in him, rather than suffering in silence.
He supposed that Merlin had proper friends. Gwen for one, he supposed that she must know everything there was to know about Merlin by now, and Gaius of course, who was like a father to Merlin, always keeping him out of trouble. Gaius likely knew Merlin’s troubles, but perhaps not all, the way that Merlin acted reminded Arthur of himself at times, the wary way he acted with any conversation that even suggested probing Merlin’s personal story or feelings, the way that even when he opened up, there was clearly details he left out.
They set off as a unit as soon as everyone was mounted and packs were loaded. They were fast on the road, aware that the creature was moving from Greenswood to Willowdale. They mostly travelled in silence, all aware of the danger that lay ahead. Merlin kept his head down for most of the journey, but Arthur caught him sneaking worried glances at him every so often.
Arthur himself was struggling greatly with the riding, the constant bumps sending shockwaves through his spine and spreading his pain from just the bottom of his back all the way to his neck, and by the time they stopped in Willowdale the pain had spread down his legs, while his fingers were beginning to curl in involuntarily on his left hand where he had been holding the reigns while he kept his right hand free in case they had to fight any bandits on the road.
They paused for a while, taking their time to drink plenty of water and take a long rest. Arthur was anxious to get back on the road so they wouldn't encounter the beast around so many civilians, but the part of him he thought of as selfish felt glad for the long pause. He would have made it longer if he could have, but he cut it shorter than unplanned, ordering everyone back on their horses and continuing on towards Greenswood, hoping to intercept the beast on its way south to Willowdale.
They had not even gotten halfway to Greenswood when they were confronted with the basilisk.
Notes:
thank you for reading! the song at the beginning is "pushing too hard" by Patrick Cowley
apologies for the cliffhanger, but the next chapter is already written so dont worry it will be out soon! im trying to stay one chapter or two ahead so i can make sure i can release them more regularly
remember to drink water and ill see you soon in the next chapter!
Chapter 5
Notes:
this chapter is a bit angsty at the end folks, covering topic about difficulties with family, particularly around disability, so if that isn't your cup of tea skip from "They all went to bed rather early" to the end where i will leave a summery in the end notes
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Take me to the docks, there's a ship without a name there
And it is sailing to the middle of the sea
The water there is deeper than anything you've ever seen
Jump right in and swim until you're free
I will remember your face
Cause I am still in love with that place
But when the stars are the only things we share
Will you be there?
The beast was massive, its scaly skin undulating as it twisted and contorted itself on the ground, wriggling its way forward. The scales were green, with diamond patterns running down its back. The scales were shiny, giving it the effect of looking wet.
It stopped just in front of them, still swaying as it waited and Arthur made sure to avoid its eyes, shouting to his men to do the same. The basilisk hissed and snapped its jaws at the air around them, its great long fangs glinting in the sunlight, yellow and sharp. Its long, forked tongue lapped the air, and Arthur nearly retched from the smell of rotting corpses emanating from its mouth. The belly was fat with the snake's recent plunder, most likely the people of Greenswood.
The horses were wining and stamping their feet, clearly terrified of the giant snake but well trained enough not to bolt. Still, Arthur didn’t feel entirely safe on his steed. He gripped his reins a little tighter, looking at Merlin to see how he was doing. Merlin seemed to be muttering to himself, but luckily was keeping himself out of danger.
The creature didn't seem to be attacking them, more that it was hissing and flicking its tail in clear warning. Arthur looked around, trying to avoid the great snake's face, and tried to spot any landmarks that might help them. There, in the distance, he saw a large lake, and hatched a plan.
Arthur loaded his crossbow, trying to ignore the pain in his back as he lined up as best he could and fired aimlessly at the withering creature. He heard a cuthunk and risked a glance at the monster's hide and saw the arrow lodged in the flesh. That was good then, at least its scales were soft enough to pierce, they might have a shot.
He glanced at Merlin, before making sure his men were alright. they were firing arrows at the beast, but not many were sticking, their aim off from the lack of vision. Arthur loaded his crossbow, screwed his eyes tight shut, and fired. The arrow lodged itself in the snake's eye and all hell broke loose. The snake lunged itself at Arthur, and his horse startled and began to run, taking Arthur with it. He gripped the reins and pulled it back in the right direction, charging right at it, and stopped just in time to see sir Galahad swallowed whole.
Arthur's entire body froze, and he quickly looked away as that great eye turned on him. He looked to the lake, and quickly hatched a plan, rallying his men to him and pointing out the lake. He whistled for Merlin, and turned in his saddle to see Merlin trot over on his horse, when a sudden shoot of pain zipped up his back.
He flinched, smothering his yelp behind his lips, and tried not to double over. Merlin, who had just stopped next to him, rubbed his back subtly, and called out to the knights to continue firing at the snake. Arthur heard him mutter to himself, still resting his hand on Arthur's back.
Arthur grunted, feeling his back screw in and cramp up. He tried to keep quiet, but the pain was making him shake, tears welling in his eyes and threatening to fall. He clutched the reins tighter, desperate for some kind of control, and looked around desperately for Merlin, searching for some kind of comfort.
Merlin wasn't there. Oh fuck oh fuck why wasn't he there? had the basilisk got him? Was he hurt? Had he ridden off? He was there just a minute ago, when had he gone?
Arthur tried to take deep breaths, the stress of the situation making his head terrifyingly clear. Adrenaline pumped through him and forced him to zone in on the basilisk. He began to plan, the adrenaline of the moment numbing the pain and storing it in the back of his mind.
He ordered the knights to shoot at it, drawing it away and toward the lake. It was there that he placed himself as bait, aiming his crossbow and firing as rapidly as he could, still keeping half an eye out for Merlin and his gaze firmly away from the snake’s.
He drew it closer and closer to the water, still keeping it angry enough to follow but subdued enough to keep from snapping its terrible jaws at him. He dismounted, still keeping his gaze in the general direction of the snake.
He reached the shore of the lake, and turned quickly before beginning to wade in, trying to keep his pace as the water slowed him down. E could hear the snake heading toward him, and when he was sure it was in the water, he gave a cry, took a deep breath, and dived under the water.
His armour pulled him down, his clothes quickly becoming waterlogged and heavy. He turned around in the water as best he could, and averted his gaze as the snake looked down at the water, making eye contact with itself.
If Arthur had been able to look, he would have seen a flash of understanding, almost of surprise, before there was nothing at all, and the light in its yellow eyes dulled, and it began to fall toward the water. Arthur pushed through the water helplessly, trying to move away as the basilisk fell with an almighty SLASH, sending a shockwave through the water and propelling Arthur away.
He tried to push off the floor of the lake to reach the surface of the lake, but he couldn't reach the top, his fingers just brushing the skin of the water. He kicked desperately with his foot, but his boots were heavy and water logged and he was running out of air and his body was screaming out in pain and he was tired and he was running out of air and his lungs burned and he was running out of air and he was sinking and he was running out of air and he was out of air and-
There was a hand on his, holding it strong, although Arthur could barely register much at that point, his body shutting down.
The hand pulled, being connected to a body as it was, and soon the hand was joined by another hand, and another, until many hands were pulling and yanking and splashing and Arthur was in the air and he could breath!
He could breath and splutter and cough out all the water that had made its way into his lungs and he was being hugged and patted and somewhere in the distance of his water logged ears he could hear cheers and a muffled voice was telling him he was alright, and it sounded like merlin but he couldn't be sure and if it wasn't merlin what would that mean and he was so tired…
Someone was shaking him, trying to keep him awake, and his eyes snapped open as the world started to get clearer and his pain more acute. He grunted a few times and tried to move to make himself more comfortable, but just the small movement alone made the pain so great he couldn't help but cry out from it.
The knights around them, for they had gathered in their full remaining number, looked at each other uneasily. If the prince was injured, it would be on all of them to explain to their king how and why and when and who and they would all be punished most highly for it.
Merlin held Arthur tight, keeping him as still as humanly possible and then some. His own body was fraught with agony, but he held it all together for his prince, his Arthur. It was Arthur that needed protecting, needed comfort, Merlin could wait until Camelot, could wait until he was back with Gaius, who he trusted with almost everything that troubled him. He just had to go a bit longer.
They set up camp by the lake edge that night, and Merlin made sure Arthur was filled with as many pain droughts as were safe for one go, before taking some for himself. They sat by the fire together, Merlin having just finished building it and Arthur having just finished patching up the flesh wounds he had received.
They had only lost two of their men, and only one of the horses, so they had decided to take the body that had not been devoured back on its respective horse and leave the other to carry extra supplies. The body was laid out some way away, with coins over the eyes to keep them shut, and a cloak over the whole thing out of respect for the dead.
All was rather quiet that night. Many of the knights had known both of the fallen, some, like Arthur, having grown up with them. It made the loss all the more painful, it being personal to most of them, and for others still the loss of a comrade was not something that was taken lightly upon the heart, for it reminded you not only how easily a life was lost, but how much you owed the men around you, so willing as they were to lay down their lives for yours. It was a big concept to deal with alongside the loss of a friend, however close or not you were to them.
They all went to bed rather early, and Merlin helped Arthur down onto his bedroll, the pain still too much even dulled to move without assistance. Merlin lay his bedroll next to him, and set himself down as carefully as a mother does with a child.
Arthur watched him, wishing once again that Merlin was more open with him. He watched as Merlin turned himself onto his back and looked up at the cloudless sky, and Arthur saw his first smile of the entire trip as he gazed up at the endless stars. Arthur turned then to the sky himself, and sighed with wonder at the clear night.
Next to him, Merlin cleared his throat quietly and took a breath before speaking in a hushed tone, for Arthur's ears only.
“The pain began around the age of 11." he began, clearly having thought about this for a long time.
"I had always been an active child, running around, climbing trees, getting into trouble. But it seems the trouble caught up with me." here he smiled, and glanced at Arthur before carrying on
"It started in my left hip, and then my right knee became painful as well. Sometimes both my legs would be on fire, sometimes it would be just a twinge in my hip. Standing became a chore, and walking often meant pain as well. Running more or less was out of the question. My mother became worried, and got me the cane I have lent you to help me walk. It does help, mostly, but the thing I rely on most is the pain medication that Gaius makes for me every day.” he finished with a sigh, a weight clearly off his chest.
Arthur glanced at him and saw a tear slowly falling down Merlin's cheek. Embarrassed, Arthur looked away and back to the stars, recognising the constellations for his lessons back when he was a child.
“It didn't start until about last year," he began, still keeping his eyes on the sky and listening to Merlin's breathing, "but now I can't remember a moment without it. There is always pain, always, I can never escape it. Always somewhere aches, there is something stuck in an awkward position.”
He paused, trying to collect his thoughts, “It is exhausting, to tell you the truth.” he continued, “Having to hide it and deal with it at the same time. Hiding it from my father is the hardest thing. He expects so much from me, all the time. I am a prince, and I cannot show weakness, I know that." he took a shakey breath, he couldn't cry, not today.
"I just…i suppose i just wish he was my father some of the time as well, not just my king.” he too, ended with a sigh and blinked away the salty tears that threatened to fall.
He could feel a wave of energy welling up inside of him but knew it was different to the energy he felt before an episode. It was a wave of an emotion he had never quite been able to express that he felt whenever he was with Merlin.
He pushed it down, glancing at Merlin again before looking at the stars and whispering,
“Thank you, for telling me, for helping me, for everything. I don’t say it enough”
It was Merlin's turn to glance at Arthur before turning back to the sky and saying just below a whisper, “thank you” but to Arthur, it had been the return of the "I love you" he had sent.
Notes:
Thank you so much for reading! The song at the beginning is "Atlas hands" by Benjamin Francis Leftwich. I highly recommend you listen and if you like it, the whole album is amazing as well
summery of last section
Merlin and Arthur talk about their pain. Merlin shares that his pain starts at 11 and got worse, and the the cane was a give from his mother to help with it. Arthur shares that his disability only adds to the pressure to be the perfect prince for his father, and we learn that Arthur is in love with Merlin, but Merlin doesn't know.
Chapter Text
Some truths are gentle, forgiving and kind
Some truths are hard to define
Some truths are crooked, with rough edges too
But some truths wear like comfortable shoes
Some truths are loyal
As the shadows we lead
Some truths are stubborn as gravity
No matter what category you fit into
Truth's got its sight set on you
They awoke early the next morning, the yolky sun rising quickly and forcing the camping knights up. Most had had a terrible sleep, but more so than Arthur and Merlin, both kept up by pain and overthinking. They had ended up settling in for sleep soon after they had finished talking, but it was many hours before either of them began to drift off to sleep.
Merlin woke first, and began to make breakfast in the budding light.the sound of him moving about woke Arthur, who sat up slowly and began his usual body scans for pain and aches. He looked around before trying to stand up but giving in as his back protested at the movement.
Arthur tried to look as normal as possible, but the pain in his back was too much to ignore. His chest hurt as well, his lungs feeling waterlogged despite an evening of coughing and healing droughts, but he knew that was from the near-drowning he had experienced the day before.
Breakfast was porridge, hurried, and disappointing. Everyone started packing up as soon as they were done, all simply wishing to return home after an uncomfortable night on the hard floor. Merlin quickly washed all of their pots and bowls in the lake, trying to ignore the massive dead snake that was sticking out on the bank.
Arthur wondered how Merlin was doing, because surely saving him had taken a toll on his body? He glanced over to where Merlin was sat at the lakeside, humming something to himself as he soaked and scrubbed the porridge from the morning off the cooking pot he had used.
He reflected back on the conversation they had had that night, and he smiled to himself as he remembered how easily Merlin had opened up to him. Maybe they were making progress after all.
He had been aching for Merlin to talk to him more for a long time now, and he vaguely wondered if the trick to getting Merlin to open up was to act like you already knew what he was going to tell you. That was, after all, how Arthur had gotten him to open up about his pain.
The smile was quickly wiped off his face as the all too familiar and unwelcome feeling of butterflies started in his stomach. He frowned and tried to focus on something else that didn't make him feel so complicated. The thought of his father instead filled his thoughts, although he quickly dismissed this as it sent a different kind of jolt to his stomach, one not nearly as nice.
He wracked his brain for something pleasant to think about, but all he could think of was Merlin. He looked over to the lake where Merlin was washing the big pot and screwed up everything he had left in him to make himself stand up, leaning heavily on anything he could around him to keep himself upright.
He made his way over to Merlin and carefully put a hand on his shoulder, but quickly took it off when Merlin flinched so hard he dropped the pot! Arthur fired out a quick apology while Merlin took deep breaths
“Apologies, I didn't mean to startle you” he said, desperately watching Merlin's face for signs he was alright. Merlin forced a tight smile and stood up, ignoring Arthur's outstretched hand for support. And carefully picked up the cooking pot, Arthur watching as he balanced himself out. It was amazing, watching him work out every movement manually, yet as naturally as breathing.
“We should set off soon.” he said shortly, "Don't want to attract any more attention by lingering any longer” and he was off, tidying and packing and saddling horses. Arthur watched in wonder, before turning to look at the basilisk. Overnight, the head had slowly floated over to the bank, and Arthur wandered over, making sure not to look in its eyes, not trusting its power to be gone in death.
The head was rocking gently in the tiny waves that lapped around it. In the front of the gigantic mouth, two fangs dripping an oily black liquid stuck out like an unfortunate overbite. Arthur grabbed one and experimentally tugged and was surprised to see that it just popped out.
It seemed the decaying process was much quicker in giant snakes, which, he supposed, sort of made sense. The skin was already starting to shed, and Arthur really didn't want to stick around and find out what a decaying basilisk smelt like. He pulled out the other tooth and stepped back, admiring his handiwork. The fangs were long and sharp, but thankfully had stopped leaking that slimy, black liquid now they were disconnected from the mouth.
Arthur walked back over to the camp, feeling the pain killers starting to kick in with fantastic timing, and packed up his horses' saddle bags before mounting it and calling to his men to do the same. The knight at the back would be leading the horse with the fallen knight on it, and Merlin would be leading the riderless one.
Arthur led the group back up out of the sheltered area they had made camp in and onto the well ridden path back to Camelot. The path led them through Greenswood to Willowdale and then onto the citadel of Camelot. They hadn't even made it halfway to Greenswood when Arthur had to fall back to take another pain killer.
At least now he had the excuse of the drowning to take them in the open, rather than having to try and conceal the vials and gulping them down as quickly as he could. He started his pace back up again near the back of the group, right next to Merlin, which was fortunate, as it was Merlin that spotted the attacking bandits first.
They came out of nowhere, hidden in the trees and in bushes. Arthur was completely unprepared, and almost fumbled getting his sword out, but thankfully no one came near him in the time it took to get it out. He dismounted and began to fight, looking around when he could for Merlin, focused, almost solely, on making sure the helpless man was alright.
He finally spotted him, cornered by two bandits, but for some reason, one of them seemed to drop his sword and start screaming. It was then that Arthur noticed that the sword was glowing red hot, and had somehow been heated at an alarming rate to the point that it had burned the bandit.
The other one seemed to fall backwards even though he was standing still, staring at his friend. The force of the fall had sent him flying, however, and there was a bone chilling crack as he fell and moved no more.
Arthur continued to fight, but less about keeping himself alive and more about observing Merlin's actions. All of the bandits that seemed to come near him ended up with some freak accident that led to them becoming incapacitated or unable to fight anymore. And all without Merlin laying a finger on any of them.
Was someone helping Merlin out? Did one of his knights have magic? But no, just there, Arthur had seen Merlin's eyes glow, actually glow, gold.
Merlin had magic.
Merlin was using magic.
It couldn't be. Please, not him, anyone but him. Merlin couldn't have magic, that would mean all this time, all those secrets, all that trust…
Arthur fought with new energy, new rage, new desperation because it couldn't be him, it had to be someone else. Maybe it was a trick of the light but no, there it was again, unmistakable. The gold flash as Merlin broke everything they had ever shared.
A circle of dead bodies lay around Arthur as the melee finally stopped and all called out to check for wounds and casualties. Thankfully, no one had fallen, simply a few flash wounds that Merlin quickly patched up.Arthur simply mounted his horse again and waited for everyone else to do the same. He felt like his world was collapsing in on itself, and it was all he could do to hold the reins and not dissociate so hard he would fall off his horse.
He rode back to Camelot in silence, making sure he was at the front to keep him grounded enough to function, forcing himself to be present enough to know the way home.
He barely even registered how he got to his room. He vaguely remembered handing his horse over to Merlin and walking up what felt like millions of stairs to his room, but next thing he remembered he was seizing, not on the bed, but the floor. He had collapsed, he could feel it by the freshly blooming bruises along his side and back. His whole body shook for what felt like a terrifying eternity.
At some point it seemed like someone entered, but he could hardly recognise where he was, let alone voices or footsteps patterns. He could feel himself being lifted and cured in tighter, trying to protect his vital organs from whatever beast it was now, thinking half deliriously that Merlin could just levitate him if they needed to move him.
He must have passed out at some point because the next thing he remembered was a cool compress on his forehead and the soothing sound of Gaius’ voice telling him he was alright, that he had nothing to fear, that he was going to be okay. He drifted in and out of sleep and seizures for the next few hours, and remembered nothing more until the next morning.
As he awoke, the memories of the fight in the woods came rushing back, and it took everything in him not to shove away Merlin's hands as he dressed the prince to meet with the king. He felt disgusted, allowing this man who had played with so much deceit and lies to touch him, let alone suffer his company.
As soon as he was dressed, he hurried off as fast as he could, which, admittedly, wasn't particularly fast, but for Arthur, who was experiencing the painful consequences of it, it felt like a good statement to make.
In the council room,he was greeted by the smile that his father only gave him when he had acted just as Uther had intended. Arthur tried to look calm and collected, but he could hardly focus on a word his father said as he presented him with the fangs that he had taken from the snake. All he could see was Merlin. Merlin standing in the corner, Merlin watching the exchange, Merlin Merlin Merlin the traitor.
He ended up giving Merlin the afternoon off, claiming it was so Merlin could recover from the trip, but really it was so Arthur could work out what the hell he was going to do.
Notes:
thank you so much for reading! the song at the beginning is 'south' by Sleeping At Last
i just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who is leaving kudos and comments, you guys are who im doing it for, and your joy at the story makes it all worth it :)
i have a few chapters already written so you can expect pretty much weekly updates although this may slow down as im in my last year of school so exams will be creeping upon me lol!
dont forget to subscribe to the fic or my account to make sure you dont miss an update!
Chapter Text
Climb so high, don't hear a sound
Don't you forget what goes around, comes around
Climb so high, tell me how to feel
Call me when you're ready to be real
Black Madonna, hallelujah
Makes no difference here, so let's be real
Black Madonna, my black flower
Nowhere left to run, nowhere left to hide
Says it should be gone, at least it was this time
Call me when you're ready to be real
Black Madonna, my hallelujah
Arthur eventually had to let Merlin resume his normal duties when, tired and filthy from fighting and bed rest, he forced himself to order a bath.
Merlin drew the water quickly, all things considered. After all, a bath meant he had to carry bucket after bucket up from the kitchen to Arthur’s room.
This, in turn, was a little bit of revenge from Arthur, who knew just how taxing this would be on Merlin. He was probably using magic, anyway, Arthur mused as he began to undress behind the scene, taking his time to move slowly so as not to aggravate any injuries. He justified it by telling himself that Merlin had done it plenty of times before, no problem, and so what was one more time?
He had pulled a muscle in his shoulder when fighting the basilisk, and it had done nothing to aid his already unendurable back pain. He had to be very careful as he undressed, and hold his shoulder in a very particular way as he took his arm out of the sleeve so as to avoid further injury.
He stepped out, watching Merlin carefully avert his eyes, and stepped into the pleasantly warm water. He began to scrub the dirt off his skin, the water quickly turning murky as grease and mud were soaked off his arms and legs.
He started on his hair, dunking it under the water and making sure it was thoroughly soaked before reaching out silently for soap. As he took it, he glanced up and just caught a glimpse of gold in Merlin's eyes. Instantly, the water heated up ever so slightly.
Arthur had to stop himself from laughing at Merlin's stupidity. He was really willing to risk his life to prolong Arthur's bath? The selfless arsehole. Arthur mused over how many times Merlin must have done this for him, this little bit of mundane magic just to make Arthur's life a little easier.
He scrubbed his hands with the bar of soap in between and began to lather it into his hair. As he did so, he mulled over all the moments where he now realised Merlin must have used magic to pull through what had seemed like impossible scrapes.
It also made sense of his constant disappearances that Gaius had always said was the tavern, but Arthur had never found Merlin there the days he had checked.
Poor Arthur had been under the impression that Merlin was some kind of borderline alcoholic or had a fancy someone he was constantly escaping to.
Not that he had been fiercely jealous at the idea of the last one or anything.
Arthur hurried the rest of his bath, wishing only to be left alone to think and decide how best to confront Merlin. He quickly washed the soap out of his hair and rubbed soap over the rest of his body, kneeling in the tub to scrub the lower half of his body.
Once he had rinsed it all off and taken a moment to get his bearings again, he stood up very slowly, using the side of the bath as a support and motioned for Merlin to bring his towel over. He wrapped it around his waist before making his way back to the screen and waited for Merlin to bring him fresh clothes.
He changed slowly, listening to the sounds of Merlin at work. The sloshing of water, the little grunts that Merlin made as he carried the buckets over to the window before tipping them out.
By the time Arthur had stepped out from behind the screen, Merlin had discarded of all the bath water and was moving the bath back to where it was usually kept.
Arthur was dressed in his usual red tunic and trousers, although wearing one of his looser belts as he knew he would be sitting down a lot that day. He hadn't worn the belt in a long time, and loved the buckle that was on it. It had been a gift from Leon for his birthday some years ago, possibly as a cruel joke, but the ornate thing was too nice and Leon was too kind for it to ever be a joke.
scrubbing at his hair with a towel, Arthur ambled over to the other side of the room, leaning against the wall and watching Merlin mop up the splashes on the floor.
Arthur noticed as he watched that he was starting to get that funny feeling again, that one deep in his stomach that was a bit like anxiety but too hopeful to be that. It was like nothing else he had really ever felt before meeting Merlin. Warm and comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time.
He quickly snapped himself out of it, having enough wits about him to know the feeling wasn't a good one to have and sensing the need to sit down become overwhelming.
Arthur sat down at his desk and pretended to read some boring grain report while really trying to watch Merlin discreetly. Merlin seemed to be doing everything in his power to prolong his time in Arthur's room, tidying and straightening things that could be left well alone. He seemed, at least to Arthur, to actually be doing his job, for once.
Now that he had time to think about it, the amount of times Merlin had confessed to magic to the king was starting to make sense. Arthur had simply thought him foolish, but now he knew he was being incredibly brave, giving himself up time and time again to save the people he loved. He was also incredibly stupid, but still, brave and loyal to a fault.
Arthur sighed, and finally cleared his throat to get Merlin's attention.
“Merlin, yesterday, when we were attacked by those bandits, I noticed something.” Arthur was trying to stop himself just yelling why, but he had been thinking about this for long enough to keep his composure. “Something about the ones that tried to attack you.”
Merlin looked up, looking to all the world like a startled deer in the woods that doesn't know if it should run at you or away from you, in that split second of mutual understanding between hunter and hunted as both seem to comprehend the sin of bloodshed just before the arrow lands between its eyes.
“Yes?” Merlin said, adopting the formality he always put on when addressing royalty.
“All that seemed to approach you… well, impossible things just..happened!” Arthur stared, waiting for Merlin to confess everything, to beg for forgiveness, to offer up any explanation that wasn't that he was a sorcerer because there must be some other explanation, even though Arthur knew there wasn't.
“I know your secret, Merlin, a sword does not just start glowing with heat out of nowhere,” he continued, after it was clear Merlin was saying nothing, "I just want you to tell me the truth in your own words.”
Merlin was staring at him, visibly panicking. Arthur could almost see a golden glow around him, only visible out of the corner of your eye, as Merlin began to fidget and look around, almost as if looking for an exit.
“I-i don't know what you mean” he stammered, clearly panicking out of his mind. He was fidgeting with his hands, and he kept shifting his weight from foot to foot, although Arthur supposed that could be the pain from carrying all that water up the stairs.
“Merlin, I know you use magic. That you're a sorcerer. I just want to know why you never told me. I thought we…knew each other well enough” he was desperate now to get any kind of recognition from Merlin. Any kind of sign that he wasn't about to explode as he seemed to be about to do. or, indeed, explode Arthur.
“I-i ur” Merlin was stammering and stuttering but no actual words came out. He was getting more and more worked up,and the golden glow was spreading. Suddenly, he turned on his heel and ran. He ran and ran, and he didn't stop running all the way to his chambers. Servants and maids all sorts were jumping out of the way and exclaiming as they were pushed past.
Arthur stared at the spot where Merlin had been standing, and saw the golden sparks still floating in the air, barely noticeable unless you knew they had already been there.
Arthur stayed at his desk for a few beats, taking in what had just happened. Adrenaline suddenly surged in him and he stood up, bumping into his table and sending an inkwell flying.
All pain numbed to a dull throb as he raced after Merlin, still slower than him, but faster than he had ever been. He raced through the corridors, clinging onto walls to skid round corners, running as fast as he could to get to Merlin's chambers where he knew Merlin had hidden himself away.
Many of the people he bumped into had already been rudely shoved past by Merlin, and so did not take kindly to being bumped again. There were many grumbles that Arthur ignored as he raced down the last corridor and up the spiral staircase to where he knew Merlin would be.
When he got to Gaius’ workshop, however, he knew it was too late. Gaius had this look of annoyed empathy, if that was even possible.
Merlin's door was hanging open and one quick look in showed the entire contents had been hastily packed and carried off. There were a few items here and there, ones that Merlin had clearly decided weren't worth carrying wherever he had gone, or weren't of sentimental or survival value enough to take along.
Arthur sat on the bed, the sheets ruffled and messy, and felt the weight of the world sit a little heavier on his shoulders.
He ran his finger along a neatly stitched up hole on the bed sheet, wondering if Merlin had done it, and if so where he had learnt how to sew so well. It dawned on him as he sat there just how little he knew about his friend.
He wondered what he did in his spare time, if he even had any. Did he have any hobbies? Well, most likely learning magic is what took up so much of his time.
Arthur also began to wonder where and when Merlin could possibly have learned magic. Surely not in the little village of Ealdor, otherwise everyone would have known it back when they had visited, and it was his friend Will who had been the-
Arthur's trail of thought stopped cold as he realised Merlin had been the sorcerer back in Ealdor all that time ago. Will had simply been covering for him.
Someone in Camelot must have taught him magic. Maybe Gaius? But Arthur did not believe that he would betray the king like that. Uther trusted him too much for Gaius to simply go behind his back for no reason other than to teach a serving boy magic tricks that served no ultimate purpose than to endanger him when teaching him combat or sword handling would have been far more useful.
Arthur spent some time in Merlin's room, tidying up the mess he had left behind. As dusk fell, however, he decided it was best to get back to his chambers and try to sleep.
Sleep did not come. only terrifying thoughts that overtook his brain, pain unlike anything he had ever known, and seizures that lasted longer than Arthur could keep track of.
The next morning, Arthur could hardly open his eyes. But no one came for quite some time, because no one other than Gaius knew Merlin had left. It was only when Uther called for Arthur and the servant he had sent had found him delirious from pain and lack of sleep that Gaius was called upon, and Arthur was sent to sleep with a very strong sleeping drought.
Notes:
song at the beginning is 'black Madonna' by cage the elephant
dont worry, everything will turn out alright!! hang in there
dont forget to leave kudos and comment your favourite bit! i'm planning on re writing this fic from merlins perspective once i've finished this one but i need to find someone with eds to use as a reference point!
Chapter Text
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
And, baby, now you do
It had been two days since he had fled Camelot, and Merlin still hadn't returned. Three days of worry, pacing, seizures, and eventually so much pain Arthur didn't think he could live to feel it anymore.
Arthur had been bedridden, drugged up on pain medication so strong he was barely clinging onto reality. He didn't care anymore. Not about his father, not about the throne, not about magic, none of it. He couldn't string a sentence together.
In the few moments he was lucid enough to comprehend his surroundings, all he saw was a worried looking Gaius, and his even more worried father, although in that moment it was harder to see him as anything more than his king.
In the time he had had the chance to mull over Merlin's lies and deceit, he had had equal enough time to think about his fathers mindless hatred of all things magic.
How many innocent lives had been taken, how many people they had killed. All those things Arthur had done for him. In the name of the war against magic. Against evil.
But if magic was evil that made Merlin a villain, and he knew for certain that Merlin was no villain. So what did that make his father? His king? What did that mean for Arthur's legacy? What did that mean for the title, the responsibility he would one day inherit?
Day two was the worst day. Arthur was tired of being in pain, tired of being tired of being in pain, and was feeling nauseous due to both the pain and the pain killers.
His father had stopped visiting him, clearly overwhelmed with something although Arthur wasn't sure if it was guilt, pity, or embarrassment. Either way, it was clearly too much for the king, who had decided to ‘leave him in the capable hands of Gaius’ as he had called it.
Arthur just wished that Merlin was there, that Merlin was looking after him, that Merlin was talking to him and sitting next to him and calling a clotpole and telling him that he knew just how it felt and that this pain would also pass.
Of course, Merlin was doing no such thing. What Arthur didn't know was that at this very moment, Merlin too, was stuck in bed, being cared for, but for him it was his mother.
For when Merlin had panicked, when he had felt so unsafe he could not stay in Camelot, when he had felt at his most vulnerable, he had taken the horse that Arthur had gifted him and had ridden as hard and fast as he and the horse could manage to Ealdor, and had practically fallen from the horse with exhaustion at his mothers door.
Day three rolled around and still no sign of Merlin. Arthur was becoming agitated, worried that something might have happened to him on the road, that he could be wounded, possibly fatality, maybe that he was already dead.
Despite how ridiculous this spiral of thoughts seemed, especially as Arthur now knew Merlin could take care of himself just fine, he could not help but fear the worst.
What was even worse was that now that Arthur knew this extra part of Merlin that he had tried to keep secret for so long, Arthur now had countless new lines of worry to think about.
What if he used magic to defend himself and they captured him and brought him before the king and he was burnt for witchcraft? What if he returned but word had gotten out somehow, maybe someone had overheard Arthur and Merlin's conversation, and everyone knew and his father had him hanged?
Arthur couldn't stop himself imagining every which way the king could find out about Merlin's magic and have him killed in all the inventive ways Arthur had already seen him dispose of sorcerers, and more…
ways that Uther had only threatened, ways Arthur had only heard of in hidden whispers about the times just after Arthur had been born, the great purge and all the twisted ways that Uther had punished, tortured, and disposed of magic users.
The idea of it happening at all made him feel sick to the bone, and even worse was the idea of it happening to someone he held as closely and dearly as Merlin.
On day four, George, who had been standing in for Merlin when he had been allowed in the room by Gaius, politely informed him as Arthur was picking at his breakfast that Merlin was back, as casually as passing the time of day.
Arthur quickly looked up, any and all ideas of breakfast forgotten, and tried to swing himself out of bed. This, of course, led him nowhere except more pain, but he was determined to get to Gaius' workshop to see Merlin.
He reached out and grabbed the cane that Merlin had lent him and started hobbling toward the door. George had started to protest, claiming that Arthur needed to rest, but quickly got the message that Arthur was only going to stop when he reached Merlin, and it was best to help than hinder. Leaning on the cane and George, Arthur made his slow way to Gaius' chambers.
It took him a lot longer and a lot more embarrassment than Arthur would have liked to get to the physicians workshop, but all that melted away when he heard Merlin and Gaius speaking in hushed tones.
Arthur dismissed George at the door and pushed it open, leaning as heavily on the crutch as he could, his hand protesting but honestly the instant pain in his hand was a welcome distraction from both the constant mind numbing pain in the rest of his body, and the mental pain he had been feeling, as well as the new pain he felt as he saw Merlin meet eyes with him and see the panic appear in his face.
“Merlin” was all he could choke out before he was half collapsing into the nearest chair. He dropped the cane, too overwhelmed with relief and anger and confusion and…that funny feeling he had every time he thought of Merlin.
“ Arthur i…” Merlin trailed off, looking at Gaius who quickly stood up and exited, making up some nonsense about herbs that no one bought but Arthur was greatly relieved about.
“Where have you been? Why did you go? Are you alright?” Arthur asked, his words mixing together in the confusion to get them out, wanting to know and understand all of Merlin all at once and not knowing where or how to start
“ I went to visit my mother in Ealdor. I panicked, I thought you might…I mean, you still might… Anyway, I'm okay, I'm safe.” Merlin smiled then, but the brightness went nowhere near his eyes.
“ Are you sure you're safe?” Arthur asked, raking his eyes over Merlin's body, looking for any sign of injury or blood or pain or anything that would give Arthur's worries some base and validity.
“I..” Merlin took a deep breath and stood up, starting to pace. Arthur noticed he wasn't trying to hide his limp anymore.
“I have magic. I was born with it. I don't know why or how, but I was. I'm sorry I haven't told you, I wanted to, but I have seen your attitudes to magic users. I thought you might hand me into your father or just…I dunno, run me through as soon as you found out?”
“Merlin-” Arthur started, but Merlin cut him off
“Please, let me finish, I've been rehearsing this for long enough.”
Arthur nodded, keeping his mouth shut. These were the answers he had been looking for, after all.
“Only Will knew and my mother knew my secret growing up, and my mother knew that I was destined for bigger things than a small villager in Senred's kingdom. She sent me to apprentice under Gaius, and well, you know how that turned out." Here Merlin sat down, but still fidgeted. He kept glancing at his cane and Arthur got the message, picking it up and silently passing it to him.
Merlin accepted it gratefully and bounced it on the floor, the action clearly one that he was used to.
“I only ever used it for you, all for you, everything I do, it's all for you. I understand if you need to hand me in, but please maybe understand that I won't let that happen, that I will keep protecting you, even when I cannot be near you. If you just let me go, I will never return to Camelot, but don't think I will ever stop being loyal to you.”
“Merlin, you idiot, of course I'm not going to hand you in!” Arthur laughed, smiling warmly at Merlin. Merlin looked shocked, already starting to get watery eyes preemptively. He frowned, confused
“But…i thought you hated magic”
“I…am learning more and more every day how wrong my father is about many things, magic being one of them. There are both good and bad people in the world, and I do not think that magic makes you bad. It is simply another tool people use to be either good or bad.”
“Oh” was all Merlin could say, looking at Arthur in a way that made the butterfly feeling the only thing Arthur could ever imagine feeling again.
“while i'm not without anger,” Arthur continued, “as you have lied to me and deceived me for years, i would not dream of sending my closest friend to his death”
Merlin smiled, then looked confused again, “your closest friend?”
“Of course.” Arthur replied, “I… I have never told anyone else some of the things I have told you, not even sir Leon, and we have been friends since childhood. What I have told you about my father, that has fallen on your ears only.” Arthur knew he was slipping back into his diplomatic linguistics, but he couldn't help it. The more uncomfortable he got in a conversation, the more upper class he became.
Merlin simply nodded and fiddled with his cane. Arthur could see the golden aura he had seen four days ago starting to gather at the edges of Merlin's silhouette, only perceivable out of the corner of your eye.
“I hope you can forgive me for ambushing you like that in my chambers” he said, looking for a smile or a nods or any kind of sign really, but Merlin simply continued to fiddle with his cane
“Maybe…maybe you should show me some of your talents?” Arthur continued, not really sure what he was saying, “something simple, i dont know”
Merlin looked up at him, trying to see if it was a trick. Seeming to judge not, he tentatively put his hands together and looked up at arthur
“Do you like strawberries?”
“Sure yeah, of course”
Merlin brought his hands together and whispered something just quiet enough that Arthur couldn't quite hear, his eyes glowed gold for just a second, and he opened his hands. There lay a rose, and two strawberries
“Ah. Yeah. That can sometimes happen, a bit shaky with the pronunciation,” Merlin said, offering the flower and fruit to Arthur. Arthur took them gratefully, offering one of the strawberries on return. Merlin took it, careful to be slow in his movements.
Arthur looked at the strawberry, studying it. It certainly looked normal, but who was to say. Deciding not to ask if it would enchant him and simply trust Merlin, he took a bite out of the end.
It was the sweetest strawberry he had ever tasted. The inside was just as red as the outside, soft with a little bit of crunch. The thing was filled with so much juice Arthur was worried it was going to roll down his chin. He grinned at Merlin and ate the rest of it
“Wow. So do you make your cooking terrible on purpose then?” he cracked, trying to diffuse the tension
Merlin laughed, small and meekly, but laughter none the less
“Ill give you a day to rest from your travels but your back to work tomorrow,” Arthur stood up, wobbled, and reached a hand out for a tabletop. Some of his pain had dissipated with the conversation, but he still had a strong weakness in his legs, and they practically refused to hold him up
“Are you sure you don't need me today sire? I'm perfectly capable of helping you back to your chambers.”
“Yes, alright, if you insist.” Arthur sighed, accepting Merlin's outstretched arm gratefully.
Arthur felt a bit guilty for accepting the offer, but justified it by giving Merlin the rest of the day off.
Notes:
song at the beginning is 'video games' by lana del ray
the boys are talking again!!! wooo!! i told you it would all work out fine in the end. stay tuned for more stuff. might take a little longer to get the next chapter out but dont worry im gonna keep writing!!
Jess (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 09 Aug 2025 07:57AM UTC
Comment Actions
wanderingsilvercrow on Chapter 1 Sat 09 Aug 2025 10:39AM UTC
Comment Actions
AndromedaPendragon86 on Chapter 1 Sat 09 Aug 2025 08:55AM UTC
Comment Actions
wanderingsilvercrow on Chapter 1 Sat 09 Aug 2025 10:38AM UTC
Comment Actions
Delilah_Snow on Chapter 1 Mon 08 Sep 2025 11:19PM UTC
Comment Actions
elb0ws on Chapter 2 Sat 09 Aug 2025 11:19PM UTC
Comment Actions
wanderingsilvercrow on Chapter 2 Sun 10 Aug 2025 12:03AM UTC
Comment Actions
bone_seeking_cryptid on Chapter 2 Wed 13 Aug 2025 11:41AM UTC
Comment Actions
wanderingsilvercrow on Chapter 2 Wed 13 Aug 2025 01:50PM UTC
Comment Actions
elb0ws on Chapter 3 Thu 14 Aug 2025 06:01PM UTC
Comment Actions
bone_seeking_cryptid on Chapter 3 Sun 17 Aug 2025 10:02PM UTC
Comment Actions
wanderingsilvercrow on Chapter 3 Mon 18 Aug 2025 09:24AM UTC
Comment Actions
Unenlagia on Chapter 3 Wed 20 Aug 2025 05:50AM UTC
Comment Actions
bone_seeking_cryptid on Chapter 4 Sun 24 Aug 2025 12:16PM UTC
Comment Actions
Unenlagia on Chapter 5 Thu 28 Aug 2025 04:22AM UTC
Comment Actions
bone_seeking_cryptid on Chapter 5 Thu 28 Aug 2025 11:00AM UTC
Comment Actions
bone_seeking_cryptid on Chapter 6 Fri 05 Sep 2025 11:04PM UTC
Comment Actions
bone_seeking_cryptid on Chapter 7 Sun 07 Sep 2025 11:54PM UTC
Comment Actions
Unenlagia on Chapter 7 Mon 08 Sep 2025 07:04AM UTC
Comment Actions
bone_seeking_cryptid on Chapter 8 Tue 16 Sep 2025 10:49PM UTC
Comment Actions