It's Not A Secret…Is It?

by MircusClown

Summary:

Bucks not out as transgender to a single soul, that doesn’t exactly make his job easy, though. He works in close quarters with his coworkers, and it becomes even harder as his coworkers turn into family, especially as one grump melds into his life, like he was always there.

Notes:

This is my first fic! It isn't completely accurate. I'm transgender, not a firefighter. I relate to Buck so much, and since it's impossible to find good trans representation, I created my own. Buck has some insecurities but don't worry the 118, specifically Eddie, help him learn to love all of himself. This is just the first chapter and there is much more to come, don't worry guys^^ This was largely inspired by the idea of Eddie helping Buck apply his trans tape!

Chapter 1: No One Has To Know

Buck doesn’t feel like it’s a secret. Sure, they don’t know, but frankly, it's nobody's business. And it’s not like it’ll ever affect them. He’s a man now; just because he wasn’t always doesn’t make him less of one now. Not that it’s always easy to hide. He’s been on testosterone since the second he turned 18; it would have been sooner, but he knew his parents wouldn’t support, so he didn’t tell them. They never paid attention to him anyway. He just started his transition and let them figure it out for themselves. Not that that didn’t turn into a whole thing itself. Maddie had always supported him, though. She's the only person in his life right now who even knows he's trans.

Buck had always been a tomboy and started going by Buck at a young age, with no one batting an eye. Buck had never really felt like a girl, but he didn’t even know what that meant until he was 13. He had a sit-down talk with Maddie about it, but made her swear not to tell anyone. He wasn’t ready and didn’t know what his parents would do. She gave him his first gender-affirming haircut then and there. His parents were outraged, but Maddie told them that she was just trying to give him a trim and had messed up.

Eventually, Maddie left, and he was old enough, so he ran away and started his transition on his own.

Now he’s at the 118 with a whole new family of his own, and Maddie happily back in his life. The only person besides Maddie who knows is his boss, is Bobby Nash. When he came to the 118, he knew he was going to have to tell his boss. This line of work is dangerous, and if he needed medical attention, they were going to need the proper information.

Everyone is sitting down at lunch when Buck enters the loft. “Uh, hi. I’m…” Buck isn’t sure what to introduce himself as. He can’t use his deadname; everyone will know then. But he’s sure Bobby’s confused seeing him instead of who would usually have such a girly name. “Umm, Buckley. New recruit? I was told to report to Captain Nash?”

Bobby stood to shake his hand, then raised an eyebrow in confusion. “I’m Captain Nash, you’re the new recruit? I was under the impression our new recruit was Em-” “Buck!” Buck hadn’t meant to interrupt him; he just hated hearing that name. Not about him, at least. Bobby looked a little taken aback. The whole team seemed so as well, with a woman and a man snickering to themselves in the corner. Buck would later learn their names, Hen and Chimney.

“Sorry, sorry. Umm, it's Buck, from Buckley.” Buck was nervous enough before the very confused look on Bobby’s face.

“Okay,” Bobby drew out the word for longer than was necessary. “I think I have some paperwork for you to fill out in my office.” Buck was sure he had signed everything he needed to, but followed him silently.

“So you said you had something for me to sign?” Buck said once in the safety of Bobby's office. “Hmm? Oh, no. I just had a feeling there was something you wanted to tell me. In private.”

 

“Yeah, um, the name you have is my legal name, from before I transitioned. I know it’s inconvenient right now. I haven't gotten a chance to officially change it.” Buck felt himself starting to ramble and gave Bobby a look like he was willing him to understand. His face was all scrunched up, so Buck just came out and said it. “I’m transgender.” He braced himself for a negative reaction. Bobby stood for a moment and then made a face like someone had clicked. “Oh. Oh. We can um, accommodate that! I’ve never had a trans firefighter before, but I’m sure it's no problem.” Buck let out a breath of air that he was very aware he was holding. Despite Bobby’s prior confusion, he seemed perfectly fine with the situation. “And I'm sure the team-” “I’d rather not tell the team.” Buck didn’t mean to cut him off again, but he’d gone through this whole conversation a million times in his head. “I see, I’m sure we can figure it out. I’ll introduce you to the rest of the team as Buck, but I warn you, they’re going to be calling you probie for a loooong time.”

Buck chuckled as Bobby clapped him on the shoulder before heading out onto the floor again. Bobby, although confused, didn’t seem to care, and no one else knows. This could actually work out.

 

Buck was mostly right. He got some weird looks about showering and changing away from the others; he didn’t have top surgery, and even if he did, he wouldn’t want them seeing the scars.

“Hey man, not to sound like a total weirdo,” great way to start a sentence, Chimney, “But why do you always shower and change away from the guys? We're not gonna bite, y’know.”

“Umm, I hadn’t thought about it. I guess I just like my privacy,” Buck had not been looking forward to these kinds of questions. “Heard you on that!” Hen pipped in. “Can’t say you're gonna get a lot of privacy around here, though, Buckaroo. We’re basically one weird, awful family.”

“Aw, come on, you don't mean that, Hen.” Chimney was joking, but was making the saddest puppy dog face. “Oh, I fully meant that, the men here are gross! I’d keep doing what you’re doing, Buck, keep yourself safe.” Hen gave Buck a mock salute, which Buck happily reciprocated.

Buck grew close to his coworkers, who were becoming more like family. And didn’t receive too many more questions about some of the things he did because he was trans. That was until almost 2 years in, when they got a new recruit, Eddie, “Eight pack,” Diaz. Eddie and Buck just seemed to love pushing each other's buttons.

“So is your full name Eduardo?” Buck didn’t know why he decided to ask such a question; maybe he just wanted to get off the topic of the hot firefighter calendar. He wanted to be in it, not just because it was for charity, but also knew he looked good. But he couldn’t; what if he had to take his shirt off? Everyone would see his binder. Not only would they all know, but that wouldn’t look hot. At least he didn’t think so. But now this hot new firefighter gets to walk in and pose for it just like that? Not fair. Not only is this just some new probie, but Buck wanted to be able to show off. Not that he was going to admit that to anyone.

“No.” Eddie all but waved him off. “People ever call you Diaz?” Well, at this point, Buck just seemed like he was trying to poke a bear. “Not if they want me to respond.”

“Something's got to give. We got… we got Cap, Hen, Chimney, Buck, we can't just call you Eddie!” Buck kind of knew how he sounded. He couldn’t help being a little jealous of this guy waltzing in here and fitting right in. No questions about where he changes or showers, no having to pretend he wasn’t having the worst cramps of his life, and being able to just pop his shirt off and pose for this hot firefighter calendar. Although Buck can’t complain too much about how he actually looked without his shirt on. That wasn’t the point, though. This guy just got to have it so easy. He didn't earn any of it like Buck was having to.

“I can't tell if his being serious or not?” Eddie said, looking around at the rest of the group. “I like to always operate under the assumption that nothing he says is serious.” Chimney was clearly just joking around, and everyone seemed amused, but amused is not what Buck was going for.

 

They’ve finally got some downtime at the station, so Chim, Buck, and Eddie are all working out in the gym. Buck hates trying to figure out what to wear. He can't wear a tank top because everyone will see the tape he uses to make his chest appear flat. And he can't wear a tight top because he's scared someone will see the lines of the tape, or notice it doesn’t look “natural.” his worries are mostly that little dysphoria voice in his head. So he just wears a black t-shirt that's a size or two too big on him. It's gotten him some odd looks, but no one's commented on it, until Eddie Diaz.

“Yo, what's up with the uh,” Eddie gestures up and down Bucks' torso with his hand, “big ass t-shirt, man? I thought you were about to work out, not take a nap.”

Chim not so subtly side eyes them, but doesn’t stop his workout.

“It’s just what I’m wearing, dude. You got a problem with it?” Buck puffed out his chest. No one could tell if he was trying to look aggressive or start a mating ritual. What is he supposed to say, though? Oh yeah, I’m a closeted transgender man, and don’t want anyone to notice that my chest is basically “fake.”

“Look, man, I’m not the one with the problem. From the second I got here, you’ve been trying to turn everything into a giant pissing contest.” At this point, Eddie is just limply throwing his hand around while arguing with Buck; maybe he’s taking the mating ritual route, too.

“Come on, I don't have a problem. Although I can’t say I'm thrilled about you just coming up here and settling in, like you know us. You have to earn your place. Like me- I mean us. All of us! And y’know I don’t appreciate the prodding questions about my outfit, frankly, it’s none of your business.” Damn, it really did sound like Buck was trying to start a pissing contest.

Eddie put his hands up near his head in mock defeat. “Whoa, didn’t expect to hit a nerve there. I’m not trying to get in on anyone's territory here, I’m just doing my job.”

“Yeah, well, do it better.” Buck knew how petty he sounded. He couldn’t bear to be in the same room with Eddie, so he just skipped the gym. Partially out of annoyance with the man, but partially out of embarrassment for his actions.

 

Buck can’t be too mad at him for long; he doesn’t really have much of a chance. He finds himself stuck with Eddie in the back of an ambulance, trying to remove a live grenade from a man's leg. Of course, Eddie is a US Army medic vet, so he’s the first choice to handle it. “Silver Star Diaz,” saving the day. And Buck, well, Buck is just reckless. He’d like to think he’s badass, though.

Once the bomb is diffused, they leave it in the container in the ambulance and get the man to safety and into the hospital. “You're badass under pressure, brother.” Okay, so Eddie is capable of complimenting people. “Me?” Buck knew he was talking about him; he just wanted to hear it again. If it made his ears turn a little pink, well then, that was his own business.

“Hell yeah, you can have my back any day.” Whatever sass Eddie had earlier seemed to have completely dissipated at this point. “Yeah. Or y’know you could… You could have mine,” Buck could feel himself smiling as he said it, completely forgetting the grimace he had earlier. Buck gives him a solid handshake, hanging on for maybe a second too long. “Deal!” Eddie said, despite the chuckle creeping through his lips.

“Nice work, fellas. I’m glad you both made it out of there.” Buck had hardly noticed Captain Nash creeping up on them. “Guys a professional, Cap. I was never really worried.” Right as Buck finished his sentence, the grenade detonated, blowing up the whole ambulance. Luckily, with no injuries.

The three looked at the destruction before Buck and Bobby turned to look back at Eddie. He waited a second before saying, “Dairy Queen closes in 10 minutes,” before walking off in search of his sweet treat.

Buck stared after him, admittedly very confused, before giving Bobby a shrug and running after Eddie. Bobby stays back, thinking about the force of evil he’s just created.

Chapter 2: Who knew a haircut could do all that?

Summary:

Buck and Chris convince Eddie to go to the aquarium with them! Buck and Eddie both start realizing some things, respectively. After Eddie plays with Bucks hair and suggests a haircut Buck goes to the barbershop, who gives him a bit more than a haircut.

Notes:

This chapter has more original work than the last one! The last chapter was just kind of a set up for what's going on right now. This chapter is more Buddie heavy, but still features transmasc Buck^^ It also features Chris being ADORABLE! I'm putting chapters out pretty quick right now but I'm leaving for college at the end of the month so things might slow down a *little*!

It's not long before Eddie is completely integrated into the 118 family, despite Buck's original protests. As a matter of fact, Eddie is closest to Buck out of the whole 118. Suspiciously close. They’re the constant butt of jokes, especially from Chimney. It’s a lot of sly looks whenever they are working on rescuing a couple. Or comments like, “hmm, that reminds me of two certain someones,” directed towards Hen, despite looking at Buck and Eddie.

But their relationship is platonic, not that Buck hasn’t looked. But despite Buck being a fully realized bisexual man, Eddie is straight. Buck doesn’t care, though; he’s happy having Eddie in his life in any capacity. As well as his son, Christopher. Buck swears there has never been a cuter kid. And just maybe he used that to his advantage against Eddie.

The three of them are gathered in the Diaz living room, having just finished Buck’s near-perfect rendition of Bobby's lasagna. If that was a part of the pair's plan to butter Eddie up, then that was their business.

Eddie plopped down on the couch with a hand on his stomach, knowing he had eaten way too much. Who could blame him, though? Buck’s cooking has always been delicious, but it seemed like he had nearly mastered Bobby’s recipe. “Why do you two look like you’re scheming something?” Eddie squinted his eyes as he gestured between his son and best friend.

Buck mock offended, “Us?:0 Never!” Eddie fixed his posture and leaned forward, then gave the pair a questioning look as if to ask what the proposition was. Buck made eye contact with Chris.

“It’s more like a suggestion!” “Yeah, Chris! A suggestion! A very well-poised, convincing suggestion! And you wouldn’t want to disappoint us <:[“ Buck and Chris gave Eddie puppy dog eyes.

“Guys, I don’t even know what your,” Eddie used air quotes for the next part, “‘suggestion’ is. Are you going to tell me so I can shoot it down or-?” “Woooooow Dad! At least give us a chance!” Chris rolled his eyes. He really is his father's son. “Okay, okay, go on?”

“So,” Buck started pointedly. “We were thinking it would be really fun,” “Yeah, really fun!” Chris interjected. “Exactly, really fun! If the three of us went to the aquarium this Saturday! I know you have work off, and let's be real, you don’t have anything going on. And could you really say no to these faces, Eddie?”

Eddie sighs as Buck and Chris look at him sadly for the millionth time that night. “Guys, I don't know-”

“PLEAAAAAASE!!” Buck and Chris had chanted in unison, and how could Eddie resist his boys? Oh. His boys? Well, that’s something he’ll have to come back to, because right now he has to deal with this mess.

Eddie ran a hand down his face. “Hmmm, fine. But! Only if you,” Eddie pointed to Christopher, “finish all your homework, and do well on your science test Friday," Chris nodded enthusiastically. “And you,” Eddie gave Buck an intense look, “You have to A, make this lasagna again, and B, get a damn haircut, Buck.” “What? I like this haircut, Eddie:[“ “Buck, you’re starting to look like a poodle, and I’m worried you’re going to get hair in my lasagna.” Chris chuckled at his dad's and his Bucks' argument. “Yeah, and you're acting like you don’t love dogs! Poodles are adorable!” Eddie stood and walked to Buck, ruffling a hand through his hair like he would Chris’. “Yeah, well, this poodle is shedding all over my house and clogging my drains.”

Buck could feel the red spreading across his face, hoping to all things good in this world neither Eddie nor Chris would notice. Swatting Eddie's hand away, he says, “Yeah, yeah, you love it! It’s like I'm leaving little reminders of me all around your place.>:D” “Buck, that is the last thing that I want.” Eddie was hoping no one would see through his lie. “Mhmmm. -_- I’ll think about maybe getting a trim.” “Good, if you don’t, I’m shaving it off in your sleep.” Buck mock gasped. :0 “Me too! Let me help!” Christopher chimed in. “Not you too! Chris, I thought you loved my hair! Heck! We basically have the same hair!” Eddie may have noticed that before, how much Buck looked like his son. He looks like he could be his father. “Exactly! This is my signature look, Buck! It’s the Christopher special!” Chris giggled, obviously enjoying the little mock fight going on.

“Why I oughtta!” Buck jokingly scoops Christopher up into his arms and spins him around as Chris giggles. Eddie couldn’t help but lean back and admire how good Buck was with his son. Not only did Christopher look so happy, but Buck looked right at home. He looked like he had pure love radiating off him, and it was oh so contagious. He took a deep breath in, knowing he needed to get Christopher ready for bed, but never wanting this moment to end.

“Okay, guys, I hate to end your bonding time, but it’s time to get Chris ready for bed.” “BOOOOOO!” Buck stopped spinning Christopher so they could yell at Eddie in unison. “Come on, you have school in the morning, bud,” Eddie kneeled to where Buck had set Christopher down, who was now pouting. “Ah, I think he’s right, bud, it’s getting late:/” Buck ruffled Christopher's hair, knowing he must be all tired out, because Christopher let out a big yawn and leaned into the touch.

“Well, I guess it’s my turn to scoop you up,” Eddie gently picked Christopher up, "I'm gonna go get him ready for bed, you wait here, and we can watch a movie, yeah?”

Buck nodded and wished Christopher goodnight before taking his seat on the couch, immediately getting lost in his thoughts. Should he tell Eddie he’s transgender now? Part of him hates hiding this part of himself from his best friend. Buck doesn’t know why, but he wants to be as close to Eddie as possible. He wants to know everything about him, and vice versa. But it's so scary. He doesn’t think Eddie would be transphobic necessarily. But what if he’s mad at Buck for keeping this secret? What if he suddenly accidentally starts misgendering him, or gets mad that he “brought that around his kid.” Buck can’t lose Christopher. Buck can't lose Eddie. What if things get messy? What if-

“Hey, Buck? You okay?” Apparently, Eddie was back, and startled Buck back to reality. “Yeah, I was uh, thinking, y’know.” “Thinking about…?” Eddie sat down in his seat, sitting much closer to Buck than he needed to. If Buck wasn’t so caught in his head, it would have been nice. This could be his chance to tell him.

“Oh, nothing really, you know me! Brain always running a thousand miles a minute!” Buck flashed one of his award-winning grins, which could probably make Eddie believe anything he said.

“You’re right! I do know you. Which is how I know you want to watch that new documentary on penguins.”

“Eddie Diaz! You hate documentaries! You really do love me.:0” There's a silence as Buck realizes what he’s just said. He stiffens and waits, sure he’s just made everything awkward. But Eddie just gives him this look, like he wants something. Eddie’s face has gone soft, the original look of confusion gone now. Then he seems to snap back to reality, “I uh, I just want to know what's going on when we’re at the aquarium. Can’t have you show me up in front of my own son!”

Buck settled back into his seat, and so did something in his stomach. He can’t name the feeling, and it’s kind of scary. But it's also…Nice.

—

Buck nearly barreled into Bobby’s office, closing the door behind him. Bobby looked startled, but before he could get a word out, Buck started on his word vomit. “I think I need to tell him. Not everyone, just Eddie. Like, I think I owe it to him? We’ve been friends for 2 years now, so really, I should let him know. But what if it wigs him out? I’d have to transfer stations, Bobby. I can’t deal with that, but it would be worse if he found out by accident! Because I want to be a part of his life for-” “Whoa, Buck, slow down. I have no idea what you're talking about. Take a breath, son.”

Buck took a deep breath and sat down in front of Bobby's desk. “I think I should tell Eddie I’m transgender.” Bobby nodded, taking a seat himself. “Why is that?”

“I just feel like I’m hiding such a big part of myself. I was with him and Chris last night, and it felt like there was a blockage, like I wasn’t fully myself. I partly feel like I owe it to him. But it’s really scary, Bobby, I can’t lose them.” Buck felt silly, spilling his guts like this to his captain. But who else does he go to that knows about him, and also knows Eddie?

“Buck, when it comes to your gender, you don’t owe anyone anything. It's okay if you want to tell him, but don’t do it just because you think you have to. I can see how much Eddie…cares for you, I don’t think he’d see you any different just because of who you used to be.” Bobby’s voice was calm, but it felt like there was something he wasn’t saying.

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Cap, I guess I have some thinking to do.”
“Don't you always, Buck?” Bobby chuckled. He loved the kid, but he seemed to be missing what was right in front of his eyes.

—

It’s Friday evening, and the trip to the aquarium is tomorrow. Buck couldn’t be more excited! Or nervous. He remembered what Eddie said about his hair as he walked into the barbershop.

“Hey, uhh, Buck for 6:30? I think my barber is Krista?” It had been a minute since Buck had gotten a proper haircut. Don’t get him wrong, he took great care of himself. But he had been trying to grow out his curls. He used to just gel it all back, but he was trying to embrace more of himself. Be more of who he really is. And if he also wanted to impress Eddie, well then, that was his own business.

“That’s me! Come on, I’ll get you set up at my station.^^” Krista seemed nice enough, heavily tattooed with a cheery demeanor. Buck sat down in the chair, and she started running her hands through his hair. “So, what’re we looking for today?” “I’m not quite sure? Something cleaner that looks good with my curls. I’ve just kind of let them lose, trying to be more… authentic.”

“Mhmm, I can bring it tighter on the sides and the back, and trim the top! Any reason for the sudden change? Big event coming up?” Krista started wetting Buck's hair and chatted away.

“Not really, I just want to feel nice, y’know? To look nice.:]” Buck had always felt at home in a barber's chair. He loves talking to people, and there's something about sitting in one of these chairs that just makes opening up so easy.

“Ah, I see. So, who are we trying to look nice for? Got a first date coming up?” Buck thought he was going to choke on nothing. “Wow, you’re getting straight to the point, aren't you?” “It’s like my job, man. We barbers can get anyone to open up about anything. It’s like a special power.:0 Soooo, tell me about this date?”

“Well, it’s not a date-” “But there’s someone!” Buck swore Krista was trying to be a therapist instead of a barber. “I mean, they’res someone who suggested I cut my hair, and I thought maybe he’s right. We’re going to the aquarium with his son tomorrow, and I want to look nice, not for him or anything… Just, in general.”

“Mhmmm,” Krista was squinting at Buck in the mirror. “Honey, that sounds like a date. And with his kid? Kind of sounds like you’re already part of the family.”

Buck hummed to himself, not sure what to say. “Cat got your tongue? Any extenuating circumstances that are turning this not date date into a really not a date date?”

“Well, first off, that sentence was very confusing,” Buck had scrunched his face up in thought, while Krista chuckled behind him, trimming his curls. “And it’s not like that. I mean, first off, he’s straight.” “Okay, and first off, to you, that wasn’t a denial of feelings. Secondly, who told you that? Because from the few things you’ve told me, that is not very straight behavior. Him being in charge of your haircut and going on family trips to the aquarium."

“I don’t know! It can’t happen, so there's no reason for me to even question if I have feelings. And I guess I just assumed he was straight, I mean, he has a kid.” Buck would have been throwing his arms in the air if Krista hadn’t brought out the trimmers.

“You know what they say about assuming right? It makes an ass out of you and me! And gay people can have kids?? I have a kid from my first marriage, and I am currently married to a woman. Also, even if you think he doesn’t have feelings for you, that doesn’t invalidate your feelings!” Krista was so focused on the haircut and said everything so casually.

Buck didn’t say anything for a moment. “Hmm…” “Yeah, Bud, hmm.” They sat in silence for a little after that, Bucks’ thoughts racing a million miles a minute.

“Y’know this haircut is doing you a great service, not that you didn’t look good before.” Krista was just smoothing things out, connecting the sides to the top of his hair seamlessly. “Yeah, I guess I do look pretty good.” Buck couldn’t help but smile to himself. He knew he was a good-looking guy, but he thought, maybe, Eddie would think so now, too.

“You know I can tell you’re thinking of him right now.” Krista and her all-knowing wisdom, back to save the day. “Huh, uh, maybe…” “mmm, whatever. Just promise to invite me to the wedding, yeah? Us barbers know things, we’re the ultimate matchmakers, y’know.”

“Yeah, you sure as hell gave me a lot to think about, I’ll say that much.” Buck stood and wiped himself off before walking to checkout. “You look fresh, my friend! I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but I'd say it’s worth it to take a look at this relationship of yours, yeah?”

Buck chuckled to himself, despite the growing nerves in his stomach, “Yeah, I’ll uh, I’ll think about it. Thank you.” Buck and Krista nodded to each other. Buck left, feeling like he had a whole new world opened up to him.

Notes:

Thanks for reading you guys! Next chapter we get to see the aquarium trip!! More adorable Christopher moments, and Buck spewing random facts! It will also feature more of Eddies feelings realizations instead of Bucks' :D

Chapter 3: Woah...

Summary:

Buck, Eddie, and Chris take their trip to the local aquarium, and it takes all of their breath away. Chris is somehow obliviously instigating Buck and Eddie to flirt as they drift through the enclosures and see the sights. Stolen glance after stolen glance. And when the stolen glances start coming from people who aren't Eddie, he gets jealous. But Buck gets dysphoric, thinking everyone can tell he's transgender, (they're just ogling him like CREEPS.(yeah, I see you guys)) featuring Eddie wearing Bucks cardigan and them all being disgustingly adorable.

Notes:

Here we go! This chapter is a decent amount longer than the last two, as I've started to fall into more of a rhythm. We see Buck get pretty dysphoric and uncomfortable here, and he gets really overstimulated. I head canon him as neurodivergent and we see some of that here. Also don't worry, Buck gets more comfortable in his gender expression and gets much more confident with the help of his 118 family!^^

Eddie was finishing cleaning up breakfast when he heard knocking at the door. “Coming!” He swings the door open, already knowing it's Buck. But what he didn’t know was how good Buck was going to look. It’s not that Buck doesn't usually look good, but whoa...

His hair was brought in a little tighter on the back and sides, with his curls set loose on the top, some of them spilling down on his forehead. Eddie wanted to reach out and smooth them up. He was also wearing a light pink cardigan that perfectly matched the color of his birthmark, both complementing each other. He noticed that the cardigan was big on Buck and wondered if he could fit himself in there as well.

But the most astoundingly beautiful thing was his smile. Eddie felt it could light up a pitch-black room. The way his eyes crinkled up in the corners, and how the blue sparkled in the sun. It almost seemed like this smile was reserved just for Eddie.

Eddie realized he had just been staring at Buck, but who could blame him? “Whoa...” “Sorry, what?” Buck chuckled as he asked. Not only was Eddie embarrassed by staring at his best friend, but he was also whispering “whoa” at his best friend like an idiot. But he was also sad he didn’t get to stare at Bucks' smile anymore, now replaced by an, albeit amused, look of confusion.

“Uh, whoa! It's bright out!” Eddie pretended to shield his eyes from the not-so-bright sun. Buck spun around to look at the sky behind him. “Oh yeah, it is sort of bright out here, there's such a nice breeze though!”

“Mhmm, uh, you can come in? We’re just finishing breakfast!” Eddie feels flustered and hopes he doesn’t look it as he runs a hand down his face while leading Buck to the dining table. If Buck notices, he doesn’t say anything.

“Buck!!” “Hey, Superman!!! Are you ready for today?:0” “Of course I’m ready, Buck!” Christopher playfully rolls his eyes, “We’ve only been scheming this for weeks!”

“Weeks?? Wow, you guys are committed, aren’t you?” Eddie would never admit it, but he loves that Buck is so close to his son and enjoys spending time with him. He loves how perfectly Buck fits into his family.

“Of course! It’s not our fault you’re so grumpy, you never want to do anything fun,” Buck can’t help but playfully tease Eddie. “Hey, don’t push your luck! I can still cancel today!”

“Mmmm, no, you can’t, I already bought the tickets!" Buck said, holding up the set of three tickets. "And I didn’t say this, but I WILL kidnap your son.” “It’s not really kidnapping at this point, Buck, you’re basically my other dad.” Christopher has no idea what he’s just said. Or at least, that’s what Buck and Eddie tell themselves.

Buck averted his gaze while scratching at the back of his neck. It wasn’t really his place to say anything, and he was terrified of what Eddie’s face might be doing right now.

But instead of being upset he just went to ruffle Christopher's hair, “Yeah, I guess he is.” Buck finally met Eddie's eyes. He was giving Buck the softest smile, something that could only be described as adoration. It felt to Buck that Eddie’s baby deer brown eyes were boring into him, and he could feel his face heating up.

“*Ahem* Uh, but no worries because I *suppose* I can put up with going today,” Eddie said, trying to smooth out the tension, making Buck chuckle.

Christopher looked back and forth between the two, “You guys are weird. -_-” He dropped his bowl in the sink and headed for the door, “You guys coming or do I have to drive myself?”

Buck finally tore his eyes away from Eddie. “Nope, we're coming! That's a terrible idea, Chris!” “Mmmm, you’re just getting upset because I’m growing up so fast!! I’m almost double digits now, y’know!”

Eddie chuckled as he closed the door behind them. “Come on, kid, let me enjoy the next 6 and a half years before you can drive and are all angsty.” “Yeah, Superman! You’re just our little man right now! Let us enjoy it!:[“ Buck started teasing Chris, and ruffled his hair before he took his seat in the car. Which Chris pretended not to enjoy.

Eddie couldn’t say he had been paying much attention since Buck said, “Our little guy.” Sure, Eddie had just said Buck is like another dad to him, but Eddie didn’t- Eddie wasn’t- That was different! Eddie just appreciated how good Buck was with his son. Just like he appreciated Buck’s hair, his smile, his arms- Eddie shook himself back to reality, feeling if he didn't, he'd have to take a serious look at his life.

“Get this, Chris, your dad watched a whole documentary with me for this! Although he fell asleep halfway through, basically on top of me at that point. What a sap!” Chris giggled in the back seat, “I knew you cared! You’re all, ‘I’m Eddie and I’m a massive GRUMP!’” Chris straightened his back and used the deepest voice he could. “But you’re a softie!>:D”

Buck laughed, but Eddie was, once again, distracted. He fell asleep on top of Buck? Buck didn’t seem to care, as he so casually brought it up in front of their- his(?) Son. But the worst part was that he didn’t even remember! He got to fall asleep snuggled close to the 6’2 ray of sunshine of a man, and he didn’t remember it? And Buck let him?! He wonders if Buck put his arm around him, too. He remembered wakung up in his bed with Buck sleeping on the couch, and just assumed he must have stumbled to bed at some point… and tucked himself in neatly…and placed water on his bedstand... It now seemed more likely Buck had carried him AND tucked him in.

“Eddie, you know we’re just joking, right? You’re a perfectly adjusted adult who is just quiet sometimes.^^” Buck nudged Eddie with his elbow, snapping him back to reality again. “Trust me, I am very well aware. The two of you can't take anything seriously for the life of you.” Eddie easily slipped back into their rhythm of jokes. The boys both feigned offence; but knew he wasn’t wrong.

“Whatever, big man, you’re still not gonna know as much as me at this thing!” He was right, but Buck’s always right. “Good. That just means I'll get to sit back and let y’a- Uh, my boys chatter away. Education with a view!” Eddie was hoping Buck wouldn’t know the view he was talking about wasn't the aquarium.

Buck looked over at him, perfectly silhouetted by the sun. His smile was soft, but it looked like it held all the love and joy the whole world had to offer, just for Eddie. Eddie felt almost as if he could want. He could want Buck, want him to be “one of his boys.” The more they said it, the more right it felt. But it felt different every time he said it, like it settled deeper into his chest. One of his boys, his Buck.

Eddie had to finally pull his eyes away from Buck, to his dismay, when they arrived at the aquarium.

The aquarium looked nice, it appeared to be 2 floors, and the outside was a light concrete covered in paintings of aquatic animals. Eddie kind of wondered why they didn’t come here more.

“Whoa! Look at all the paintings! They’re all so colorful!:0” Chris seemed like he was ready to jump out of the barely moving car, and Buck didn’t seem far behind. “You’re right! We gotta get an upclose look!” Buck hopped out of the car and walked towards the building with Chris, Eddie trailing not far behind.

Chris immediately reached up, trying to touch one of the paintings, but too short to reach. “Want a hand there, bud?” Chris nodded, and Buck scooped him up and let him reach out to touch the paint. “Whoa.” Chris breathed out the word. “Yeah, that’s a jellyfish! Did you know that jellyfish don't have a heart, brain, or bones?:0” Buck chattered on, and Chris nodded along from where Buck held him on his hip.

Eddie leaned back on the car, aware of how much staring he’d been doing that day, so he decided to capture the moment on his phone. He took some candid photos before calling out to them, “Hey, guys! Spin around for me, I want to get a photo!” Buck looked over his shoulder before turning around, posing with Chris. Chris pointed back at the jellyfish with a huge grin on his face, and Buck held him up and made the same face.

“Come on, get over here, Eddie!” “Yeah, come on, Dad!” Eddie chuckled as he walked over to him. He slotted in next to Chris, putting his arm behind him and around Buck’s waist. He held up the camera and noticed how well they all fit together. Chris leaned back against both Eddie and Bucks touching shoulders, slotted between them. Eddie took a few photos before an employee walked by on her way into work. “You guys want help taking a family photo?”

Buck and Eddie looked at each other with wide eyes before Christopher chimed in, “Yes, please! Dad, hand her your phone!” Eddie let her take the phone from his hand and tried to act normal. “Aaaaand big smiles!” She snapped a photo, then looked down at the photo. “C’mon, Dad #2! You’re looking a little grumpy!” Eddie turned his head towards Buck, mostly out of shock that he’s dad #2!? Buck looked at him like he was doing his best to hold back a laugh and choked out, “Yeah, Dad #2! Give us a smile!” Now that Eddie was looking at Buck, who was looking at him like that, he couldn’t help but smile. Chris let out a giggle between them, obviously enjoying the girl's commentary.

“Perfect!” the girl walked over to hand back the phone, “You guys make an adorable family!” “Thanks-” was all Eddie could get out before she walked away, and Chris let out a content hum. Eddie carefully looked up at Buck, whose face was sporting the same shade of red Eddie feared his own was. Buck didn’t look upset, though, maybe a bit bashful. Bashful... Like being part of Eddie's family was a compliment, just one you weren’t expecting anyone to give.

Eddie watched as Buck put Christopher down and set him up with his crutches, anticipating all his needs. Then Eddie put a hand on Christopher’s shoulder and the other in the small of Buck’s back, who leaned into the touch.

The outside did not do this place justice. Buck did a slow spin while walking in, trying to take in everything there was to see. The walls were tall, and the lighting was faint; blue and white light danced across the walls as it was being refracted through the water. Buck looked back at Chris and Eddie, who had been momentarily distracted by a tank of Comet fish (a popular goldfish), and was sure he’d never seen anything more beautiful.

Chris was giggling and smiling wildly as Eddie puckered his lips and did his best impression of the fish. Despite the ridiculous look on Eddie's face, Buck was still sure he was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Despite all the beauty in that very room, Buck couldn’t tear his eyes from Eddie. After a moment, Eddie looked up and met Buck’s gaze. He didn’t look startled that Buck was pretty much staring at Eddie; he just smiled at him. A soft smile that didn’t need to be any bigger to express his joy. Such a small smile that still said so much.

Buck walked over to where Eddie was crouched next to Christopher and placed a hand on Eddie's back, thumb smoothing up and down Eddie's neck. Eddie flinched in surprise before leaning into the touch, as he so often did.

“This place is just, wow.” Eddie’s voice was barely above a whisper, and he was conveniently staring up at Buck as he said it. That seemed to be going around today, looking breathtaking. “Yeah, wow.” Buck echoed back quietly. “Yeah! Wow! This place is amazing!” Eddie chuckled and, once again, messed up his son's hair. “Ahhh, Dad! You’re gonna mess up my look!” “Your look? Well, aren’t you a fancy little man!” Eddie stood as he spoke to his son, and Buck's hand stayed where it was in the air, trailing down Eddie's spine as he moved, and eventually resting in the small of Eddie's back.

“Yes! The fanciest!” Chris beamed up at Buck and Eddie, looking very proud, and Eddie felt something inside of him melt.

“Can we go check out the penguin exhibit?:0” “That sounds perfect, Chris! That's what the documentary me and your dad watched was about! Although I can’t say sleepyhead is going to remember much.” Buck shielded his mouth from Eddie when he said the last part in a whisper, making Chris giggle. Buck led Eddie, hand still on his back, as Christopher started his march towards the penguin exhibit.

There was a circular railing, decently high above the enclosure, to look down at the penguins from. They had a little island for them that was surrounded by crystal blue water. Chris leaned against the railing to peer down, while Buck placed a hand on his shoulder to make sure he didn’t fall. “Y’knooooow,” Buck dragged it out as he said it, “Penguins actually drink a lot of salt water! But to keep themselves from dehydrating, they have something called a supraorbital gland, which filters the sodium from their bloodstream! This way-” “Buck, I doubt he understands a word you’re saying. Besides, I’m pretty sure this is the fact that put me to sleep.” Eddie jested, seeing the confused but focused look on Chris’s face.

“Hardy har! Chris is plenty smart! It’s clear he takes after me instead of you!” Chris giggled to himself, “Yeah!>:D I love you, Dad, but My Buck is waaaaaaay smarter!” Eddie dramatically put a hand to his chest, “Gasp! Betrayed by my own blood?!” Buck blinked slowly in response, “Eddie, did you just say the word ‘gasp’? I think you’re proving our point.”

“Touche, Buck, Touche.” Eddie raised his hands in defeat, despite chuckling to himself.

The three of them stayed at the penguin exhibit for a bit, breathing in the moment. They watched the penguins run around, and Buck continued rattling off facts about penguins. Chris looked like he was taking mental notes, and Eddie looked like he was taking mental photos. As well as some real photos. He got photos of Chris making his signature thinking face, enamored by all of Bucks' fun facts, and photos of both of them laughing when a penguin flailed itself into the water. Eddie loved watching the penguins, too, but he already had such a great view with his boys in front of him.

“Hey, uh, you guys wanna check out the tunnel? You walk through a glass tunnel surrounded by all kinds of fish!” Buck was clearly very excited by this, and Chris’s face somehow got even happier at the sound of the tunnel. “Yes! We have to go right now!”

Eddie chuckled, “Okay, bud, lead the way!” Buck fully jumped up and down for a moment before bouncing off in the direction of the tunnel. Eddie scooped up Chris in an attempt to keep up, and Chris threw his arms in the air with a, “Yippee!!”

The three stood right outside the tunnel; there were no lights actually in the tunnel itself. Instead, there were lights above the water, shining and refracting down onto them. It was still sort of dark, but dark like it is when all the stars are shining down on you through a clear night sky. Buck and Eddie slowly spun around with Chris still in Eddie’s arms, the three of them taking everything in. “Well, would you look at that,” Eddie breathed out before looking over at Buck. Buck had stopped spinning and was just staring at Eddie.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful,” Buck whispered while still looking at Eddie, like Eddie was the beautiful thing in this room. As if Eddie even compared to what he was surrounded by. Buck looked utterly starstruck.

“Yeah,” Chris said quietly. It seemed this room had even rendered Chris breathless.

The three of them walked down the tunnel slowly, quietly. Buck slinked his arm around Eddie's waist and pulled him and Chris closer. Chris grew still in Eddie’s arms, the quiet of the tunnel momentarily lulling him to rest in his father's arms, head resting on Eddie’s chest.

“Looks like little Superman is taking a little break over there,” Buck chuckled as he said it. “Yeah, you know how he is, he’ll be up and running around in no time. Just wait until he hears about,” Eddie pauses before whispering, “the touch tank.”

“Wait, they have a touch tank here? Like, I can go and just touch the fish? And-” Buck playfully gasps, “Eddie Diaz, you scoped the place out! I knew you were more excited than you let on!” “I wasn’t scoping! I was preparing! I know how you two are, you’re going to want to hit every attraction they have, and I had to see exactly what I was getting myself into.” Eddie gestured around him with his free hand, the rest of his arm still in use supporting Christopher.

Buck hummed in response, “Yeah, yeah, are we going to check out some of the other stuff or just stand here and wait for Chris to wake up?” Buck didn’t bother waiting for Eddie’s response and simply dragged Eddie by his arm to look at some of the quieter exhibits.

They walked around like that for a while, standing close while Buck read the summary of all the fish tanks out loud to Eddie.

“You look cold.” Buck's soft words pulled Eddie's attention away from the tank of jellyfish in front of them. He, of course, was wearing a simple black Henleys with jeans, which’d usually be good for the spring months, but it was cold inside the aquarium. “Hmm? No, I’m fine, really, Buck.” Buck lifted an eyebrow, “Fine, Christopher looks cold. You wouldn’t want our little Chris to catch a cold, would you, Eddie? <:[“ Buck joked as he took off his pink cardigan and draped it over Eddie and Chris.

Then Buck pulled his shoulders forward and crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn’t cold, necessarily, but he felt dysphoric without his oversized cardigan. But looking at Christopher nuzzle into Eddie as Eddie himself slumped a little forward, clearly comforted by the fabric, he didn’t care as much, and just smiled to himself.

And as for Eddie, Eddie was a grown man. He didn’t need his best friend draping a cardigan over his shoulder. He’s grown, and he totally isn’t melting into the warmth of the fabric, or the lingering smell of Buck that had started floating around him. He couldn’t help but let the feeling settle over him. Is this what its supposed to feel like to have a family? He’d loved Shannon, heck, he still did. She was one of his best friends after the divorce. But it had never felt like this. But if this is what family felt like, what does that make Buck? Before Eddie could spiral anymore he felt Chris start to wake in his arms. He grabs at the fabric and tugs it around himself, humming.

“Well, good morning, sleepy head,” Buck says quietly, smoothing the curls off Chris’s forehead. “Mmm, I’m hungry,” Chris said while nuzzling into Eddie. “Hey, little man, can we try a please?” Eddie hated to be that dad, but he had to start teaching him manners at some point. “Can we *please* go to the food court so you two can spoil me with some munchies. <:[“ And who could say no to that face, so Eddie placed Christopher on the ground so they could take a break in the food court.

Despite Chris being out of Eddie's arms, Eddie kept the cardigan on. In fact, he pulled his arms into the sleeves and pulled it tight around him. He couldn’t help but hum at the comfort it brought him.

Buck couldn’t help but watch Eddie from the corners of his eyes. He just looked so comfortable, and Buck loved that it was he who had made Eddie so comfy. He had Bucks sweater pulled tight around him like he was in the middle of a freezing storm and was slouched forward, despite Buck knowing it wasn’t that cold in here.

“You guys get settled at the table, and I’ll go grab the aforementioned munchies for us!” Normally, Eddie would have protested at the idea of Buck going and grabbing something for them while he just sat there, but he had Chris with him, plus he was just so damn comfy. Eddie just hummed in response and gave Buck a soft smile.

Buck was suddenly aware of the unfamiliar eyes on him. He crosses his arms across his chest again; he could feel the dysphoria creeping up his neck. His walking gets quicker, wishing he could simply disappear. Nothing gets Buck more in his own head than the feeling of dysphoria. He’s waiting in line and trying not to look "clockable," or like he’s about to have a meltdown. He knows cisgender people wouldn’t understand, but god, it's distracting. It’s finally his time to order his food, and the cashier keeps staring at his arms, which Buck starts to absent-mindedly scratch at while putting his order in.

~

Eddie looked up from where he was sitting with Chris, noticing all the prying eyes looking at Buck. He immediately felt his face begin to heat up. There was no reason for him to get jealous, if that's even what you’d call this, Buck wasn’t his or anything. But he sure as hell wasn’t theirs either. Looking at him like he’s some piece of meat. Yeah, Buck looks great in that slightly too-tight shirt that hugs his biceps just right. And yeah, maybe Eddie’s been staring at him extra since he took his cardigan off, but that’s cause he’s Eddie. He has some sort of right to, doesn’t he? And Buck is so much more than good looks. He's Buck for Christ's sake!

He watches as Buck finally puts his order in, and he can’t help but glare at the cashier. She’s clearly making Buck uncomfortable. She was looking at him through her eyelashes, and at one point reached to touch Buck's hand that he had been resting uncomfortably on his bicep, causing Buck to flinch, but not totally pull back, Buck's too nice for that. It made Eddie wish that Buck wasn't so nice.

Eddie knows that Buck didn’t necessarily need his help, but Buck really wasn’t that far from where he was sitting with Chris. So he could still keep his eye on him and could just go over and let Buck know he wanted a juice instead of water this time. That was the only reason he was going over there, right? Yeah, he just wanted some juice.

“Hey Chris, are you good if I go tell Buck to get us something extra? I’d be right over there.” Chris looks up from the little zine about lemon sharks he had picked up, “Extra food? I’d never say no to that!” Eddie chuckled as he got up, Chris had clearly started to wake up at the thought of food.

~

Buck flinched at her touch; he didn’t want to be rude and pull away. But was she trying to feel if he was a ‘real man?’ Like how someone might go up and poke a hose with a stick, checking to see if it was a snake? He grew more dysphoric and uncomfortable as she laughed and didn’t let go of his arm. What was she looking for? Buck just wanted to get his damn food and-

He felt someone wrapping a soft fabric around him, and flinched before he looked over his shoulder and realized it was Eddie returning his cardigan. “Hey, uh, you looked cold, and I wanted to get a juice this time instead,” Eddie helped Buck slip his arms into the sleeves, and after didn’t remove his hands from where they landed on Buck's waist, moving him closer to himself. Eddie knew he must look crazy jealous, covering Buck up like this, but he didn’t care. This cashier, Cynthia, didn’t have the right to be looking… to be *touching* Buck. He smiled at her tightly before looking over to Buck's face, who looked grateful but still very uncomfortable.

Cynthia had long since stopped touching Buck’s arm since Eddie moved him, but kept trying to flirt, clearly not getting the hint. “Wooow,” She drew out the word lazily, “Y’know pink really is your color.” She gently pushed the pink fabric lying against Buck's chest, causing Buck to move back and cover his chest with his arms.

Eddie kept an arm around Buck’s waist to anchor them together. “I know.” Eddie could hear petty irritation bleeding into his words, but he couldn’t help himself. And from the looks of it, he wasn’t the only one being put off by her.

~

He looks good in pink? Then she touched his chest?? She definitely knew. She was obviously making fun of him. Buck felt almost as if he could cry. The only consistent thought in his head was, *I don’t like this I don’t like this I don’t like this.* He felt the panic creeping in and started noticing every tiny thing that was making him uncomfortable. It was too bright in here, and too loud. And people were looking. But then he felt his feet touch the ground again as Eddie tightened his grip on his waist and moved him closer.

“I know.” Eddie had all but sneered at the girl, who looked taken aback. He knows? Was he agreeing that Buck looked like a girl? Buck went to move away, but Eddie reached out and rested Buck's face in his palm before running his hand over Buck's pretty pink birthmark. Eddie repeated himself softly, just for Buck, “I know.”

Eddie wasn’t meeting Buck’s eyes, just staring at the birthmark he had been smoothing over. “Oh. *oooohhhhhh.* Sorry, I’ll uhh, I’ll have the food right out for you.” Cynthia’s face had turned from a flirty pink to an embarrassed pink as she left to finish their order.

Eddie hummed happily to himself, clearly satisfied at scaring the girl off. And Buck could slowly feel the panic leaving him as Eddie ran a soothing hand up and down the length of his back. Buck felt himself lean into Eddie; he felt greedy, but he needed the comfort that Eddie seemed so ready to offer.

Cynthia guiltily slinked back over with their tray, now avoiding eye contact. “Umm, sorry again, I didn’t-,” She looked up, catching Eddie’s eye, and quickly looked down again. “Anyway, I threw in a shake with two straws, on the house.”

‘That was nice.’ Buck thought to himself. Now that he’s thinking, a lot of this interaction didn’t make sense. Why did Eddie seem mad at her? Did he already know Buck was trans and was trying to defend him? Why wouldn’t he have said anything? Why-

Buck's thoughts are cut off by Eddie talking, “3.” “I’m sorry?” Cynthia now looks more confused than embarrassed. “3 straws, one for our son.” Eddie nodded back to where Christopher was sitting, still reading through the little zine book. “Oh, right, yeah.” Cynthia quickly threw an extra straw in the shake, now looking fully ashamed, before leaving to take the next order.

‘Wait a minute-’ But before Buck could form a single thought, Eddie’s hands had left his waist to grab the tray, and he began leading them back to the table.

“Is that a chocolate shake?:0” Chris asked, already reaching for the drink. “Yes, but don’t go and drink it all before Buck and I get any!” Chris was already loudly sipping down the shake. “First come, first served, Dad!”

“Y’know, technically, those are the rules, Eds.” Eddie playfully rolled his eyes as he jabbed Buck with his elbow before taking a seat across from Chris. Buck felt the rest of the tension leave his body, now covered by his large cardigan and surrounded by the quiet laughter of the Diaz boys. Which got not so quiet when Eddie pretended not to know how to drink a shake, effectively getting it all over his face. He made dramatic, confused faces and acted like he had no idea what they were talking about.

“Oh my goodness, Eds,” Buck playfully rolled his eyes and picked up a napkin to wipe Eddie's face, then turned the napkin over to show Eddie what had just been smeared across his upper lip and nose. “How’d that get there?! Are you magic?” Chris giggled at his dad, and Buck knew Eddie was just trying to keep his kid entertained, but he found it so endearing, seeing Eddie being all goofy. Despite poking fun at him, Buck knew Eddie wasn’t a grump. Eddie just… protected his peace.

Eventually, they finished eating their food, with Eddie forgetting how to use his napkin at least 2 more times. Buck stood and wiped off any crumbs that may have fallen onto his lap as he ate. Eddie stood as well and helped him clear away all the garbage. “Hey Chris, there's one last thing we wanted to check out,” Buck said, squatting down to Chris’ level. Chris just tilted his head as if to say, ‘go on.’ “They have a touch tank here! If we wash our hands, we can go down and touch the stingrays!” Buck said it as if he were just a kid himself, ready to run down and befriend all the stingrays, as only Buck could.

“Stingrays?!:0 Wait, won't they like, sting me?” Eddie couldn’t lie; he had thought the same thing as Chris. “No, no, no! There's an instructor there, and they’re gonna teach us exactly how to pet them! It's perfectly safe!” Buck was quick to reassure him. “Mmm, okay, if you say so, Bucky! If they sting me, I’m making Dad divorce you.” And with that, Chris got up and walked to wash his hands, leaving Buck and Eddie frozen in place. When Buck stood and turned around, he noticed Eddie had finally learned to use a napkin, as he was wiping juice off his shirt, clearly having choked when his son said he was going to make him divorce his best friend.

“That kid-” Eddie muttered under his breath. “Tell me about it…” They both stood for a moment, watching Chris wash his hands at the designated station. “Speaking of that kid, we'd better follow quickly before he decides to jump into the touch tank to literally swim with the fishes.” Eddie nodded in agreement, and they did a light jog to catch up with Chris.

“Dad, Buck, look! There’s fish too! Can we do that instead?:0” Chris pointed over to a pond full of fish swimming around. “Awesome! I don’t see why not!” Buck looked at Eddie, who rolled his eyes fondly and nodded them forward.

Buck walked up to the information board. “Guys, look at this! They’re called Oscars Fish! Their scientific name is Astronotus Ocellatus!” He continued reading the board aloud to Christopher, as Eddie just watched on fondly.

After washing their hands and getting their instructions, they all sit on their knees in front of the shallow tank. “Just let them come to you,” Buck whispers, despite shaking from excitement and looking like he's going to grab the first fish he sees and keep it as a pet. The three each put a hand in the water and wait for a fish to come by. One comes and rests near Eddie's hand, then another, then another. “Look at Mr. Popular over here! Seems like they’re drawn you to!” The instructor called from his vantage point, watching over the fish. “I’m sure that’s not the only thing you attract.” He sent Eddie a sly wink. Well, great, another random guy saying more inappropriate stuff to them. Do employees at aquariums just not have boundaries?

“Eddieeee!” Eddie’s pulled from his thoughts, assuming it must be his 9-year-old son calling out to him, because there's no way a grown man is whining for his attention right now. But he turns his head, and of course, Buck is looking at him from the other side of Christopher, pouting because he’s the only one a fish hasn’t come up to yet. “They don’t like me.:[“ “Buck, it’s not that they don’t-” But Eddie couldn’t get through his sentence, because Buck was looking at him with those sad, baby blue eyes. “Pleaaaase!<:[“ “Buck I-” Eddie ran a hand down his face before standing so he could sit next to Buck, patting Chris’s shoulder on his way past him. Chris barely seemed to notice though, he had become fully enamored by the fish swimming around his hand.

Eddie sat on Buck's left, bringing his arm around his back to grab Buck's right hand, intertwining their fingers with his hand atop Buck’s, with Buck's hand still open. He all but rested his head on Buck’s shoulder before whispering, “You gotta stop shaking your hand, they’re getting scared off.” “I’m not scary!” Buck tilted his head towards Eddie, speaking in protest. Eddie felt his face heat up; their faces were almost touching. “Buck, you’re a 6’2 beefy man jittering around, even I’d be a little scared.” Eddie couldn’t see because of how close he was, but Buck’s ears had begun to turn pink.

Buck took a deep breath and willed himself to be still. A fish tentatively comes up to Buck's hand. “There ya go, see, you just had to be still.” Eddie tilts his head towards Buck and can’t help but smile at how happy Buck seems. Eddie could probably let go of his hand now, not that he cares, because he continues to hold on.

Buck gasps as the fish come to him, one by one. “Whoa…”

“Yeah, whoa.” When Buck turns his head, he sees that Eddie is staring at him, and not the fish. Their faces are inches away, and this time, neither of them looks away. All of Eddie’s features had gone soft in a way Buck had never seen before; he looked so entirely content. Content just sitting with and looking at Buck.

And Buck- Buck looked surprised, but not put off. His lips were slightly parted, and he was searching Eddie’s face. Not for anything specific, he just liked looking at it. They both took in the views as the sound of the world dimmed around them. Eddie’s eyes flit from Buck’s mouth to his eyes, then back to his lips, almost as if asking a question. He begins to lean in and-

“Dad, look!” Eddie's eyes fluttered open, and he nearly fell on his ass from where he was crouched, just catching himself with his hand behind him at the last second. He wipes himself off and stands to his feet, leaving Buck staring, shocked, at where Eddie had just been next to him.

Christopher had moved a couple of feet away and had both his hands planted on the bottom of the tank. His hands were surrounded by fish. “Oh uhh, wow, bud! Looks like you're the newest animal whisperer!” Eddie patted Chris’s head, clearly still distracted by what just happened. “You know it!>:D But this animal whisperer is tired again. Prepare for boarding, Buck, I’m hoping on your shoulders!” Buck had still been sitting with his back turned from Christopher, collecting his thoughts.

“Whoa there, Superman! Ya gotta give me a little more of a heads-up next time!” Buck quickly put his hands behind Chris’s back, stabilizing him on his shoulders as he stood. Eddie chuckled at the sight.

“Yeah, um, let's get out of here,” Eddie says as he leads the way to the car. Buck and Eddie drive home in silence, not Chris, though. “That was awesome! There was so much color! And I can’t believe I got to touch the fish!” and on, and on he went. Buck and Eddie just occasionally hummed and nodded their heads. There was now a thick, awkward tension, apparent only to them.

Buck pulled into the Diaz driveway and got out to walk them to the door. He knelt to Chris’s height to say goodbye for the night. “Hey, thanks for helping me convince your dad for this, bud! I had a great time with you guys today!” “I had a great time too, Bucky! Thanks for all the fun facts!” Chris threw his arms around Buck’s neck and held tight for a moment. “Okay, Chris, it’s time to stop choking Buck now. Why don’t you head inside and put on some pajamas?” Chris stood and faux saluted his dad, heading inside to get comfortable.

“So umm…” “Yeah, uhh, thanks for dragging me to this, I uh, I had a good time,” Eddie kept his gaze averted from Buck. “Yeah, yeah, of course. Seemed like Chris had a great time too.” There's a beat between Bucks' words. “Oh, and so did I!” “Of course, of course, have a safe drive home, yeah?” “You got it.” Buck scampered back to his car, and usually Eddie would have waited on his doorstep to wave Buck off, but instead, he just wanted to get inside and take care of Christopher so he could proceed to spiral and rethink his life.

~

Maddie is folding laundry when she hears a knock on her front door. “Coming!” She stands and walks to open the door, finding Buck standing there looking a little disheveled. “Oh, hey Bu-” “I think I’m in love with Eddie.” Buck hands her a bottle of wine as he walks past her, making a beeline for the couch. “You don’t say,” Maddie mumbles, following after her oblivious little brother.

Notes:

Once again thank you for reading! All Kudos, comments, and bookmarks are really appreciated! I have a decent number of chapters planned out, spanning past when Eddie and Buck get together!

Chapter 4: It's your apartment???

Summary:

Buck runs to Maddie for support, and, as the wonderful sister she is, she immediately provides it. Eddie, on the other hand, turns to Bobby, who seems to be over the drama and more so tells him to deal with it than asks. So, they talk about it! well... they *start* to talk about it. Maddie's got her work cut out for her this week.

Notes:

This one's kinda juicyyyyyyyyy! There's a little more angst than usual but don't worry there's a happy ending after this chapter! I had fun writing this one, despite putting my boys through agony D:

Buck plops down on the couch, Maddie not far behind. 

“So like okay, I thought it was just a regular friendship, right? And like maybe it is to him I don’t know, but I’ve been noticing things. Okay, maybe these are just my things, like my feelings? Also, if I ever in some universe wanted to pursue my straight best friend, then I’d have to tell him I’m transgender, right? Should I anyway? I mean, his such a big par-“ 

“Buck!! Slow down the word vomit, okay? I didn’t catch a word of that,” Maddie’s brows began to sew together. Despite being used to Buck’s 100-mile-a-minute talking, she couldn't quite understand  it.

“C’mon, breathe in and out, Buck, take a minute.” Buck breathed deep, letting the air rest in his lungs for a moment before releasing. 

“So, I think I realized something today.” 

“Okay, Buck, that’s a little too slow. I picked that much up.” Maddie chuckled at her brother's ability to go 1-100.

“Right, yeah. I guess this isn’t the first time I realized, more like the first time I acknowledged it?” 

“Acknowledge…?” Maddie was going to make Buck explain every little thing; that’s probably the only way Buck will fully process what he’s thinking. 

He gave her a look like a deer caught in headlights. “That I’m in love with Eddie.”

“Hun, I think you're the last one to acknowledge that,” Maddie gave Buck a sympathetic look. She knows this must be hitting him like a train. Such an oblivious little man.

“What?? You’re telling me everyone knew?? You knew and didn’t tell me?? Maddie, this realization has implications!” Buck's voice cracked on the last word, clearly getting more and more upset by Maddie's nonchalance. 

“And what are these said ‘implications’?” She mimicked the squeak in his voice.

“Oh my god, Maddie. One, I don't sound like that,” Maddie playfully rolled her eyes as he talked, “And two! There are so many! Not the mention that he’s straight, would never be interested in me, and we work together! But also! I’d have to tell him!”

“That you love him? Yeah, that's kind of how that works, Buck.” Maddie was surprised, Buck was putting the pieces together very slowly, even for Buck.

“Wow, okay, sassy…” Buck started before rushing into his next sentence. “But no! I mean, yeah, but that's not what I’m talking about. Maddie, if I get into a relationship with Eddie, I’d have to tell him I’m transgender.” Buck looked genuinely scared, and it broke Maddie’s heart a little to see him like this.

“And you don't think he’d accept you?” She reached out and put a hand on Buck's shoulder, trying to soothe him. “I don’t know Maddie… It's too big a risk, though! Even if he's somehow interested in me, finding out I'm trans could ruin everything. He wouldn’t want to be friends anymore, let alone let me see Chris. And what if he told the whole team? And they all got upset, I’d have to transfer! Or full on quit! Maddie, I can’t lose all of them. And what about you and chimney, I can't make you choose between us-!” 

Maddie cut Buck off and pulled him into a tight hug. “Oh, Buck…” He began quietly crying into her shoulder, sniffling as silent tears ran down his face. They sat like that for a moment, Maddie rubbing a soothing hand up and down his back.

She pulled away and cradled his face in her hands. “Buck, none of that is going to happen. And you need to know I will always choose you over anyone.” Buck nodded slowly, but didn’t say anything. “And Eddie… Buck, I think Eddie will love you just the way you are. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And if for some reason he doesn’t, then he isn't good enough for you anyway. You don’t want someone who doesn’t fully support you as your friend, yeah?” 

“But if it’s Eddie-” “No Buck! I don’t care who it is. I’m not saying you have to tell him, but maybe it’d be worth a shot? When you’re ready, that is. You deserve someone who will love you in your entirety. I want that for you.”

Buck sat like that for a moment before slowly nodding his head. “Yeah, uh, I guess you’re right.” She released his face and nodded, “Aren’t I always?”

Buck chuckled and wiped his tears. They soon fell into their regular rhythm of chatting, such as Maddie talking about her most recent date with Chimney, and Buck even providing details of the aquarium trip from earlier that day.

—

It’s Monday morning, Eddie's next shift, and he all but falls through Bobby’s office door. “Bobby, I need to talk to you about-” “No! No, you don't. You need to talk to him. ” Bobby interrupted Eddie using his captain's voice. “Wha-?” “Eddie, I’m not blind. And I’m your captain, not your therapist!” It sounded a little cruel, but Eddie knew he was right.

“You’re an adult, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and have an adult conversation. And I’m sure after there’ll be paperwork and a lovely dinner I’ll host, but for now, just talk to him .” Bobby put extra emphasis on the last part. It was good to know he would support them, but jeez, did he seem done with the drama. 

“Right, yeah. Uh, thanks, cap…” “Mhmm, go get ready for your shift, Eddie. And don't let whatever's going on in your brain affect your work today.”

“Of course,” Eddie said, standing as straight as he could before slinking out the door. 

You probably wouldn’t catch Eddie saying this any other time, but luckily, Buck wasn’t working the same shift as him. He’d have to go to Bucks' loft that night. That's the most responsible thing to do, right? Christopher is at a sleepover with Denny, so they'd have time to talk, or for Eddie to spiral if all goes awry.

The rest of his shift goes pretty much as usual, despite the pit growing in his stomach about tonight's conversation. If Buck didn’t reciprocate, everything could crumble. But there’s another feeling, not in his stomach, though. It’s in his chest. It feels like something is trying to break free. It’s a little scary, but it also feels… good? It feels like a little cocoon, and… maybe, it's about to crack open and release something beautiful. 

 

—

 

Buck finally has some time to clear his head. He’s, for once, glad he's not working the same shift as Eddie. He didn’t want to have to work a whole shift looking at those beautiful brown eyes, having to think about how he might lose them. He knows he has to talk to him, or all this tension would just build and come crashing down on both of them, with no chance of salvaging anything. 

He’s mainly baking, as one does anytime they're stressed… totally normal. He’s dressed in comfortable clothes, his sweatpants and an oversized shirt with no binding. He hates not binding, but it isn’t safe to bind 24/7, even if it's just tape. He learned the lesson the hard way and had 2 bruised ribs to prove it. Dysphoria aside, if he doesn’t take a break, he’ll be stuck not binding for longer. It kind of feels good, physically. It's a pain to always have tape or a binder on. It's sweaty and uncomfortable, not to mention it doesn’t actually look as good as he'd like.

Despite all that, he was almost enjoying the baking. He was making one of Eddie's favorites, of course. Chocolate chip protein cookies, he didn’t know if Eddie really liked them or if he just liked Buck baking. Either way, he knew Eddie would wolf these down. Maybe they could soften the blow of his best friend lying to him for years and also being in love with him.

He puts the cookies in the oven to cook and starts cleaning up when he hears a knock at the door. He walks over and looks through the peephole and… Oh god.

It's Eddie standing, clearly nervous, right outside his door. Not only did Buck not know it was already 7, but he didn’t know that Eddie was coming over. He can’t let Eddie see him like this. The shirt is big, but not that big. 

He scrambles for his dysphoria hoodie he has by the door; no time to go put a binder on. 

“Umm, you okay in there, Buck?” Buck swings the door open as Eddie says it, leaning against the door frame. “Hey, man! Didn’t know you were swinging by!” 

“Yeah, uh, neither did I,” Eddie walks past Buck into the apartment. “Hey, I want to talk about-” Eddie stopped mid-sentence and began to sniff the air. “Are those… my favorite chocolate chip protein cookies? You sure you didn’t know I was coming over?” Eddie chuckled as he talked. “Oh, uh, are they? Your favorite, I mean. Because of course I know what I’m baking, I put all the ingredients together and-” 

Eddie cuts him off, “Whoa, it's hot in here, Buck. Why are you wearing that hoodie? Are you feeling okay?”

Fuck. It's not that Buck should have rushed to put a binder on instead; it's that he should have jumped off the fire escape and ran away, never to be seen again.

 

Eddie took a step closer to check Buck’s forehead, which Buck clumsily dodged. “No, uh, I’m fine! It’s just such a comfy hoodie, y’know! And all my laundry is in the washing machine right now, so…” 

Eddie leaned to the side to peer past Buck and into the living area, “And that fresh basket of laundry is…?” 

“Jeez, Eddie, you know how I feel about being questioned about what I’m wearing. Can we just leave it?” Buck crossed his arms across his chest, but not in an angry way, in more of a wanting to run and hide but not being able to way. 

 

“Right, right, look, I’m sorry. Actually, I think there are a couple of things I have to apologize for.” Eddie began to look almost… bashful.

 

“Oh?” That was all Buck could get out before Eddie grabbed his arm and led him to the couch. They sat close as ever, before Eddie began what he had to say.

“Look about the other day, at the aquarium when we-” “No, Eddie, it’s fine, we don't have to-” Eddie promptly cut Buck off, “Buck, I need you to listen! Cause I need to talk about this, okay? If I don’t, I know it will keep building, and it will destroy me. So just let me get through this before I lose my nerve, yeah?” Buck gulped hard before nodding and letting Eddie continue.

 

“I hope I didn’t- I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I mean, you mean so much to me, and to Christopher! And I never want to jeopardize any of that, for any of us! But when I looked into your eyes, much like I’m trying to do now,” Eddie chuckled as he went, trying to lighten the mood. Eddie had been searching for Buck's eyes, but Buck had never been the best at eye contact, especially when he was feeling emotional. So, he sat there, staring at the laundry he needed to fold, with his jaw set closed. But Eddie knew Buck was listening to him; he knew Buck.

 

“But umm, when I looked into your eyes, I don’t know, Buck. I just felt there could be something... For us? And I understand if I’m wrong, we can go back to normal, I swear, but I have to tr- hmph!” 

 

Eddie didn’t know what was happening; heck, Buck barely knew what was happening. But the second he looked up at Eddie, he couldn’t help himself anymore. He cut Eddie off with a kiss. Well, it was more like smashing their faces together, mouths still closed. It was still everything he’d ever wanted. He felt his heart settle in his chest, finally resting right where it's supposed to be.

Buck had pulled Eddie in with his hands on his face, and soon Eddie’s hands found Buck's waist. It took Eddie a moment to catch up, but he began to feel the cocoon in his chest breaking open. He felt something begin to make its way out of it, and as he did, he tried to deepen the kiss and opened his mouth, pulling Buck closer. Buck reciprocated until- BEEEEEEEEP!!!  The alarm for the cookies went off.

 

They pulled apart, with Eddie jerking his head around to look at the oven. “Damn cookies-” He began muttering under his breath before looking back at Buck, but Buck had this look on his face that made the little butterfly crawling its way out into Eddie's chest freeze.

 

His face was shocked, scared even. But the worst part was the lingering regret on his face.

Buck snapped out of it, jumped up, and began muttering instructions to Eddie about taking the cookies out of the oven.

 

“Wha-? Buck, what's going on? Talk to me.” 

 

“I have to go.” Buck began gathering a few things from around the loft. “What are you talking about? We should talk about this, please.” Eddie heard how he sounded, like he was begging, but he couldn’t help himself. He was in the middle of professing his love, Buck kissed him , and is now trying to run away? 

 

“It’s uh, it's getting late, I should really head out.” 

 

“Head out? Buck, it’s your apartment!” At this point, Eddie was entirely bewildered.

 

“Not anymore! Gotta go!” Buck began to run out the door, and Eddie followed, standing right outside in the hallway. 

“Not anymore-? What are you talking about? Buck??” Eddie called after him, but Buck just waved a hand behind his back and kept running.

 

Eddie ran a hand down his face before heading back into Buck's apartment. He took the cookies out of the oven as requested and all but threw the tray down on top of the oven. He put them all into Bucks Tupperware but snatched one out and took a big bite.

 

Fuck . It was good, and it reminded him of Buck. Buck, who just ran out on him, leaving Eddie in his apartment. He sure as hell didn’t want to drive home right now, and he had quickly begun to miss Buck.

 

He pulled out his phone to send Buck a text, rewriting the message a million times before landing on, “Please be safe.” No question, no push, just the thing he most needed Buck to do. To stay safe. 

 

He began walking up the stairs to Buck's bed. If he couldn’t be with Buck right now, then he was going to take advantage of the fact that it seemed like Buck had forgotten this was his apartment. 

 

He stripped down to his boxers before collapsing in Buck's bed, pulling the covers tight around him. He breathed in the smell of Buck all around him, still wishing he was here. And he couldn't ignore the feeling in his chest.

 

The cocoon had started to crack, but not all the way. So the butterfly was halfway out, crammed in an uncomfortable position. What was going through Buck's head? Did Eddie just make a huge mistake? Did Buck… regret it? He couldn’t help but feel a little upset at Buck. Buck had kissed him , then ran out? It hurt, but he couldn’t stay mad for long, because he soon started drifting off. It didn’t feel like sleep; there wasn’t any peace or dreams. Just the dark unknown.

 

—

 

Buck frantically knocked on Maddie's door for the second time in the past week. To his dismay, Chimney opened the door. 

“Hey Buck, here for Maddie, I assume?” Chimney looked confused, but he always respected Maddie and Buck's relationship, especially when Buck looked so upset.

 

“Oh god, you're here? What’re you doing answering the door?” Buck knew he sounded mean, but he could not deal with this right now.

“Ouch, Maddie and I were just watching movies on the-” 

“Movie nights over Chim, goodnight.” Buck moved around Chimney and nudged him out the door before closing it. “Uhh, Buck?” He could hear Chimney calling through the door.

 

“Hey, Chim! Who was it?” Buck followed Maddie's voice to the living room. “Buck? What’re you- Where’s Chim?”

 

“He left.” 

 

“Left? Buck, what is going on-?” “I kissed him…”

“Wha- you kiss Chim??” 

“What? No! I kissed Eddie1 Then I panicked, told him I was moving, then drove here.”

 

“You told him you were moving?? Buck, are you okay?” Maddie moved closer to her brother, who was now sitting next to her, and put her arms around him.

 

“Maddie, I can't tell him- I’m not ready yet.” He began to cry in her arms. She combed her hand through his curls and tried comforting him as much as she could. Eventually, he grew quiet and seemed to have fallen asleep. She ran her hands across his forehead, pushing his curls back. She hated seeing him like this. 

 

She texted her boyfriend an apology and offered a raincheck. Chimney had already texted, not at all upset, just asking if she and Buck were okay. She texted him for a moment before dozing off herself.

Notes:

Thanks for reading guys! Kudos, comments, and bookmarks are appreciated as always! I expand this story past Buck and Eddie's relationship, and into Buck's other experiences as a transman. There's a lot of fluff/comfort to come!!

Chapter 5: I just feel like lyin’ down

Summary:

Tensions are high at the next shift with the 118. But tensions are even higher when they arrive at a 2-story house fire with a missing 6-year-old girl. Buck and Eddie run in to search the second floor and manage to save the girl, but will Eddie be able to save his family, and Buck?

Notes:

Angsty, very angsty. And lots of medical inaccuracies. I AM NOT A DOCTOR, JUST GAY. I keep planning to have a specific plot point in new chapters but then I end up writing more than I planned so I have to split it up. OOPSIES! Anyways, thank you for the support! I hope you enjoy!

Eddie takes a deep breath in and stretches awake, the sun shining through the window onto him makes him scrunch up his face as he does. He’d almost be comfortable if it weren’t for the train of information he was soon hit by.

Buck kissed him. He kissed Buck. Buck ran out of his own apartment. And now Eddie is half naked in Bucks’ bed. Last night, he would have loved that… At least he would have if Buck were here with him.

“Mmmm…” Eddie rubbed his eyes with his palms. He stretches again before grabbing his phone to check the time.

“Oh shit.” Eddie overslept; he has no time to run home to grab fresh clothes for his shift. 

 

His shift. His shift, which also happened to be Buck’s shift. Eddie groaned and fell back onto his back. “Fuck.”

Eddie jumped up and, reluctantly, put on some of Bucks’ clean clothes that he never got around to folding. 

 

Why had Buck lied to him about that? Buck and Eddie didn't have secrets; they told each other everything. Buck had always been avoidant when talking about what he was wearing, which Eddie thought was weird, but maybe it was just insecurity? He didn’t know what Buck had to be insecure about, though.

 

And now Buck was straight-up lying about stuff. About laundry?? Eddie didn’t have much time to think about it, though, because he had to get to work.

 

As Eddie drove to work, he couldn’t help but get mad. Buck lied to Eddie. Eddie confessed his love. Buck kissed Eddie. Eddie kissed Buck. Buck frantically ran out of his own apartment and left Eddie there. Eddie doesn’t call that communication. He put himself out there, and Buck was careless .

 

He knew it was an… emotional situation. But it isn’t fair to him. God, he’s a grown man complaining about fairness . 

He pulls into the station and after parking he slams his head down onto the steering wheel. 

 

He hopes no one notices the fact that he's literally wearing Bucks clothes, and he even smells like Buck at this point. Plus, he looks completely disheveled; he didn’t have his hair gel or anything. 

 

He ran a hand down his face, then the other through his hair, before jumping out of the car. Thank goodness he at least had his gear for the day in the back of his car.

 

“Eddie… what are you wearing??” Chimney leaned over the railing at the top of the loft, clearly looking forward to making fun of Eddie. 

 

Eddie stopped in his tracks. “Wha- I don’t know what you’re talking about…” 

 

“Come on, Eddie, those clothes do not fit you,” Hen scoffed as she poked her head out of the locker room. Of course, thing one and thing two were going to make today hell.

 

“They’re just old, I’m uh, doing laundry.” Eddie echoed Bucks' lie from last night. He’d feel guilty, but this is Hen and Chim; it’s different with Buck. Speaking of, where is Buck?

 

“Mhmmmm,” By now, Hen had joined Chimney by the railing, and the two of them shared a knowing look. “Anyways…” Hen draws out the word, “Buck’s in the locker room getting ready for his shift.” 

 

“Yeah! Maybe you could return his clo-” Hen cut Chim off with an elbow to the ribs. “Ow! Okay, okay!” 

 

God, today was going to suck. Maybe he could run out of the building and say he got sick? No, that would just egg Hen and Chimney on. He’s gotta man up and walk into that locker room and not have a breakdown.

 

He catches Buck's eye as he walks in, but Buck quickly looks away. He looked scared, almost. What does he have to be scared of? He’s the one who put Eddie on an emotional roller coaster on loop. Eddie couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he put his stuff into his locker and changed his shirt. He sees Buck headed for the door and swerves around him to get out first. He knew he was being petty, but he couldn’t help himself.

 

Tensions are high when the four of them are together in the loft. Buck and Eddie are fiercely avoiding each other. Eddie is clearly frustrated, and Buck just seems… small. His shoulders are slouched, and he seems like he wants to curl in on himself. He won't look anyone in the eyes.

 

Hen and Chimney clearly catch onto the vibe, but when Chimney turns to Hen to make a joke, she immediately shuts him down. Hen is the one person at work who can convince Chimney that it is not the time to be obnoxious. 

 

Call after call comes in, and things are… a little rough. Eddie being angry and Buck being sad is not working out well. Eddie’s anger is just encouraging Buck’s timidness. They get through it, but boy, is it awkward 

At least, it's going okay until the most recent call.

 

It’s a two-story house fire, nothing they haven’t seen before. Whatever tension between Buck and Eddie immediately melted away with the fire. They didn't have time to let whatever this is keep them from saving lives. 

 

“Buck! Eddie! I want you on the second floor! We have two adults out and safe; they're being taken care of by Hen and Chim. But we have a little girl missing! Her name’s Angie and she's six years old! Top north room! Hop to it!” Cap immediately called out instructions when they arrived on scene.

 

Buck and Eddie nod at each other before running through the front door. This is their job; they leave their baggage at the door. 

 

“Buck!” Eddie calls out to him and nods to the stairs before heading up, Buck following suit. 

“Angie! Angie!” Buck and Eddie began their search on the top floor, quickly making their way to the girls' room.

 

“Eddie! Check the closet! I’ll check under the bed!” Eddie doesn’t respond, just runs for the closet. 

 

Cap’s voice crackled in through the radio, “You’re running low on time, boys! I want you out in the next 5 minutes! No matter what!” 

 

“ Shit ,” Buck grumbled under his breath. They couldn’t find the girl, and Buck was not going to leave without her. “Angie!!!” Buck was losing his voice, but he didn’t care; we would scream until he couldn’t speak anymore. Because he was finding this girl.  

 

“Buck! We’re running low on time!” Eddie sounded like he was going to lose his voice too; all this smoke and screaming was taking a toll on them. 

 

“I know, I know! We have to find her! I’m not leaving without her!” 

 

Eddie didn’t say anything to that; he just nodded. Neither of them were going to leave without her.  

 

Buck scanned the room over again before he saw it. The window was open, and the roof was jutting out from there. “ Shit .” Buck ran for the window and shoved his head out of it. He found her pretty quickly. “Angie! Hun, I need you to crawl over to me!”

 

“I can’t! I’m too scared!” 

 

“Come on, sweetie! Just skooch a little closer!” Buck was hanging out the window at this point, his arm outstretched towards her. 

 

“But that’s where the fire is!”

 

“I’ll keep you safe! My friend and I are here! You have to trust me, though, Angie, just give me your hand!”

 

The girl gave him a preemptive look, but Buck leaned out farther, as much as he could, and whispered a please to her. 

 

Finally, she reached out and took his hand. “I got her, Eddie! I got her!” He pulled her in through the window and held her as carefully as he could. “Okay, sweetie, we’re getting out of here.”

 

“Good timing, this place is crumbling around us!” Eddie gestured around them, like Buck couldn’t see what was going on around him, like he didn’t feel like he was going to melt or that his legs were going to give out under him. He couldn’t say he wouldn’t feel like that if he weren’t here, though.

 

They run out of the room and make their way down the hall. Angie was gripping tight to Buck’s turnout. “Boys, you need to get out, NOW!” Caps’ voice came crackling through the radio again.

 

Buck’s hands were full, so Eddie radioed back, “We’ve got Angie, We’re making our way out, Cap.” 

Eddie surges towards the stairs, but then he realizes, he can’t hear the loud stomping behind him. Buck’s a bulky 6’2 man, covered in heavy gear and carrying a six-year-old. He’s been walking loudly. But that’s stopped now.

 

Eddie turns around and sees Buck standing frozen, the wood flooring beneath him has begun to give. “Eddie, I need you to take the girl.”

 

“Buck, I-”

 

“Eddie, don’t fight with me here. If I move wrong, or if we wait too long, the floor could give way and take all three of us. I need you to take Angie, and lord willing, I’ll follow after you. But for now, take the girl and get a move on!” Whatever shyness Buck had earlier was gone, replaced by a hard exterior, yelling commands at Eddie.

 

Eddie was the opposite. He looked so scared. 

 

There was so much Buck wanted to say… if this was the end. But there's no time. He gently reached out his arms, forcing Eddie to take Angie.

 

Eddie took the girl in his arms and held her close, and slowly began to back away from Buck. The floors groaned beneath them; the shift of weight from moving Angie caused them to begin to break. 

 

But then the creaking stopped. Buck and Eddie looked at each other as Buck let out a sigh of relief. 

 

And that’s what did him in, the floor gave out beneath him. “Buck!!”

 

Buck grabbed onto the surrounding floorboards. Eddie shifted his weight forward desperately, eliciting a loud groan from the house.

 

“Buck! Eddie! Report in NOW!”

 

“Eddie, Eddie, look at me. You need to get out of here.”

 

“Buck, I-”

 

“No! It’s about to give. Save the girl, and tell Chris I love him. And Eddie. I love y-”

 

The floor gave out, and Buck fell. “Buck!!!” Eddie’s scream ripped through the air. He probably would’ve given up then. Fallen through the hole himself and hopefully landed near Buck. He would have been okay with that.

 

“I’m scared.” Eddie was pulled back to reality and looked down at the scared little girl in his arms. She was gripping onto him as tight as she could, tears streaming down her face, matching Eddies. He sucked in a deep breath and headed for the stairs. He ran down them, trying to be careful. 

 

Eddie crashed out the front door. “He’s over there!” Eddie coughed furiously as Hen took Angie from his arms.

 

“Where’s Buck…? Eddie, where's Buck?!” Cap shook Eddie by his shoulder, and Eddie gave him the most terrified look the man had ever seen. “Eddie-” 

 

“I’m going back in.” 

 

“Eddie, you can’t!” Cap tried holding on to Eddie’s shoulder, but Eddie pushed him off, maybe harder than he should have. Cap stumbled back, but Eddie didn’t have time to worry about that. He ran back into the crumbling building.

 

“Buck! Come on, man!” Eddie’s throat hurt from all the screaming, but he didn’t care though, he’d give anything to be able to find Buck and get him out of this mess.

 

He tried figuring out where Buck would have fallen through, running fast as he could. “Buck! Buck-!”

 

And there he spotted him, lying crumpled on the floor. Eddie walked forward towards him and almost lay down beside him. It would be so easy. He could put his head against his chest and pull Buck’s arm around him. Run his hand through his curls one last time.

 

He kneeled next to Buck's broken body and took Buck’s hand. He removed the glove from Buck's hand and brought it to his face, using it to wipe away his tears. He was ready to lie down. Until he felt it.

 

He was gripping Buck’s wrist to hold his hand, and he could feel Buck’s heart beating. It was weak and thready, but there was a chance. 

 

He stood and threw all 6’2, 200-something pounds over his shoulder with a groan. With all his gear, Buck's gear, and Buck on his shoulder, he was barely managing to step one foot in front of the other.

 

Big, fiery slabs of wood fell around him, and he was so tired. He wasn’t doing this for himself, though. He was doing it for Buck. He didn’t understand what happened between them, but that didn’t change that this was Buck. His Buck.  

 

And not only Buck, but Christopher. He wasn’t going to leave Christopher, not again. These two were the only things pushing him forward. Step after step. Buck and Chris. Another step forward. Buck and Chris . One more step closer to the door. 

 

And forward and forward. He finally stumbled out the door. He stood for a moment. Buck was slung across his back, and at some point, his helmet had fallen off, causing his hair to fall into his face. He was hunched over and breathing raggedly.

 

“Dear god, Eddie! You disobeyed a direct order! Is Buck-?” Cap began.

 

“Stop. Hen! Get me a stretcher! Now! ” Eddie was basically barking orders at the crew; he’d do whatever he had to do to save his family. 

 

Hen ran up with a gurney, clearly terrified. “Eddie, you should really let me check you out-” 

 

“He’s in bradycardia, heavy smoke inhalation, weak and thready heartbeat.” Eddie moved the gurney as he spoke, heading to load him into an ambulance.

 

Hen reached out and grabbed Eddie's shoulder, “Eddie, you need to let me check you out.”

 

“Get off! You can check me once Buck is okay. Don’t get in my way, Hen.” Eddie looked like a dog who was about to bite someone. Until he looked back at Buck, who was currently being loaded into an ambulance, and Eddie followed suit. 

 

“Hen, go with him in the ambulance. Keep a tight eye on things, and please… get Eddie checked out.”

 

“You got it, Cap.” There wasn’t much else for Hen to say; everyone was being short with each other because everyone was scared.

 

Hen jumped in beside Eddie and closed the door behind them before banging on the front of the truck, the signal to get a move on.

 

Eddie threw off his turnout jacket before taking Bucks off. “I’m going to administer CPR; get me the cardiac monitor.” Eddie didn’t even look up at Hen, but he heard her working. 

 

He threw a leg over Buck's hips so he could administer CPR. He began ripping the fabric of Bucks’ shirt so he could hook him up to the cardiac monitor when he noticed something…odd.

There was…tape? Across his chest. It seemed to be pulling his skin away from the center. 

 

“What is…? Oh- ” 

 

“I don’t know, Hen. And I don’t care. Give me the machine.”  Eddie didn’t have time to think about what it was; he could think about it later.

 

Eddie placed the stickers down so they could get an accurate reading of what's up, and quickly started CPR.

 

He quickly slipped into humming one of Buck's most recent favorite songs that matched 110 BPM. He’d picked it up back when he was working on a ranch, and recently got back into it. Eddie began to hum the song as he thought the words in his head. 

 

“You gotta help me, baby. I can't do it all by myself. You gotta help me, baby. I can't do it all by myself.”

 

He looked up and checked the monitor. Hen had begun administering medicine through an IV, but Buck showed no signs of improvement, so he kept thinking of the song.

 

“If you don't help me, daddy, gotta find somebody else.”

 

Buck had loved playing this song and dancing around Eddie’s living room. He was no good at it, but he did a little two-step and always managed to draw Eddie in. He’d pretend he was fishing and reel Eddie in, and they’d clumsily dance around while the music played a little too loudly. God, Eddie would kill to go back to one of those moments right now.

 

“Put on your night shirt, baby. Hand me my morning gown. Put on your night shirt, baby. Hand me my morning gown.”

 

He kept up compressions and looked at the monitor. He wasn’t sure if he’d gone crazy, but it looked like his pulse was going back to normal. He began to slow down compressions; he didn’t want to, but his body was so tired. 

 

He thought of the next line of the song, “Don’t feel sleepy, I just feel like lyin’ down.”

He felt his body give out, and he heard Hen call out, “Eddie? Eddie!” He couldn’t answer, though, he let go of his body, and everything went dark.

Notes:

Thank you for reading! As always, kudos, comments, and bookmarks mean a lot to me! I really hope you guys liked this! The next chapter is comfort! At least that's the plan ^^

Chapter 6: In And Out

Summary:

One at a time Buck and Eddie awaken in the hospital. After so much avoiding each other all either of them wanted was to be close to the other.

Notes:

Don't worry, guys, this one is very comforting minus one smaaaaaall part. Just a liiiiiiiitle hurt!

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep

There’s a steady rhythm of beeping coming from somewhere nearby. Everything was still dark for Eddie, but he felt himself fighting through the haze and fog. He’s so tired, but he knows there's something he’s fighting for. He just can’t quite remember-

 

Oh god. Buck.

 

Eddie was immediately flooded with panic as his eyes flew open and he jerked upwards.

 

“Buck!!” 

 

Eddie tries steadying his breathing, but his thoughts were going a million miles a minute. He could feel his heart beating in his chest; much too fast. His vision had already become pinholes again from the lack of oxygen. He needed to steady himself, he knew he did. But he just couldn’t. Not when Buck could be…

 

He couldn’t process anything going on around him, but he could tell he was being moved. He was pushed back down onto the cot and could feel the energy moving around him. Someone poking him there, checking his pulse here. They were saying something to him. What about? He had no idea.

 

The last thing he remembers is someone shaking his shoulder as everything goes dark again.

 

—

 

The first thing Buck feels is a steady flow of air, in and out of his lungs. Slow, steady breaths. In and out. The more time that passed, the more of his senses that came back.

 

He felt a hand holding his own, and hushed voices muttering around him. He also noted the sound of… machinery? Loud beeping and the sounds of mechanical movements. He sat in it for a moment, everything still muffled.

Until.

Buck bolted upright, sucking in all the air he could, until it felt like his lungs would explode. 

“Where- What? What’s happening?”

 

Buck’s breathing started to calm as Bobby placed a strong hand on his shoulder; his other hand tightly clutching a rosary.

 

“Woah, Buck, you need to breathe. In and out.” 

 

Buck was making eye contact with Bobby now, and felt his breathing start to slow. In and out.

 

His eyes had begun to dart around the room, taking in his surroundings. He’s in the hospital, again. He can’t really remember what happened to get him here. He could infer from all the pain he felt in his body, though.

 

His whole body was aching, especially his back. And he was all bandaged up, absolutely covered in burns. There were even some on his face.

 

As he checked his body, making notes of all his injuries, he realized they had un-binded his chest. He wouldn’t expect any different, but that doesn’t negate the bit of panic crawling up his neck.

 

He looks around worriedly, checking who’s in the room. Just Bobby and Maddie, thank goodness. The two people that know about him. The two that-

 

Oh. Eddie. He wished Eddie were here so bad, but Eddie doesn’t know, so he can’t. And that stupid…fight? He didn’t even know what it was anymore, or what they were. He wanted Eddie by his side, knowing Eddie would readily hold his hand, and kiss his forehead. But he can’t tell Eddie because-

 

Wait. Where’s Eddie? How’d he end up here anyway?

 

—

 

It all comes rushing back, muffled and distorted.

 

“Eddie, I need you to take the girl.” 

 

The creaking of the floorboards.

 

“Buck! I-”

 

The look in Eddie’s eyes as he pleaded with him.

 

“Don’t fight with me! Take the girl!”

 

Bobby’s voice crackling through the flames as the floorboards gave way below him.

 

“Tell Chris I love him! And Eddie, I love you.”

 

—

 

Despite immediately needing to throw up, Buck remembered something else. He was sure he wasn’t supposed to though.

 

—

 

Pain. All throughout his body. He felt as if everything inside him was broken, and could feel the flames licking at his flesh. 

 

He was dying.

 

He could feel it with every sense of his being. God, he regretted so much. One of the biggest; not telling Eddie. Maddie was right. She always was. Sadly he didn’t have much time to think about that. He was so tired. 

 

He didn’t want to die, but everything hurt so much. He wanted it to be over already, there was no saving him. He couldn’t think of anything but the pain racking every inch of his body.

 

He was ready. But then he heard it. 

 

“Buck! Buck!”

 

Eddie? 

 

He heard Eddie gasp, then his heavy footsteps making his way to him. 

 

Buck pulled himself back to his body, he could go through a little more of this, for Eddie.

 

He heard a loud thump as Eddie fell to his knees besides Buck. He heard Eddie’s sobs, how he tried to hold them all in, and how it made them all the more heart breaking; tearing through his throat. 

 

And now he felt him. Eddie had picked up Buck’s hand, and was holding it to his face now. Buck was okay if this was the last thing he felt. Why had he run away from this? From Eddie?  He would have fought for this so hard, but instead he ran.

 

And it all led him here. Laying broken, and dying. 

 

He wanted to fight now, but he was so empty. He was hanging on by a thread, but he was holding tight. 

 

He started drifting when he felt a firm grip on his wrists as he was pulled up and over Eddie’s back. 

 

Eddie had him now, he had nothing left in him. He just hoped Eddie would forgive him. For everything.

 

—

 

It was dark now. Buck must have gone back under. There was no sign of Maddie or Bobby anymore. They must have left by now, it seemed to be the middle of the night.

 

There was so much going on inside his head, he couldn’t think.

 

So he didn’t.

 

He lay there with his eyes closed, simply breathing. In and out.

 

He heard the beeping of his heart monitor, much steadier than earlier. There was the sound of someone walking outside his door. The sound of someone in the room over who had left their tv running. And-

 

The sound of someone breathing in rhythm with him. 

 

Buck opened his eyes again and took another good look around the room, and then he saw him. Eddie.

 

Eddie clearly was not supposed to be in Buck’s room. It was most likely he had snuck out of his and into Bucks after the night rounds.

 

But there he sat, IV drip and all.

 

Eddie had pulled up a chair and was resting his head on Buck’s stomach, his hand reaching across Buck to hold his hand.

 

He was holding on firmly like Buck could slip through his fingers any second. He was being tender, too, but it still felt like he was bracing himself to tether Buck to his world.

 

He’s alive.

 

Buck didn’t know what was out there in the universe, but he thanked whatever had brought Eddie back to him. 

He lifted his free hand and placed his hand on Eddie’s head, working his fingers through his hair. Despite being out cold, Eddie immediately nuzzled his head forward into Buck’s hand.

 

Everything has gone so wrong lately. But here, in this moment, Buck almost felt at peace. Everything still wasn't right, but he was still somehow able to find comfort with Eddie.

 

It didn’t take him long to peacefully drift away.

Notes:

Thank you thank you! All the love and support I get from you guys means so much to me! I appreciate your patience with me! College has been a little all consuming but I'm doing my best for you guys! Follow me on tiktok @macwiththefacts for 9-1-1 fanart and fanfic updates!

Notes:

Oh Mer Ger thank you for reading! Y'all can leave comments with suggestions for this/future chapters^^ I'm open to all feedback :D I had fun writing this and creating a little safe character for me and all my trans siblings^^