Chapter Text
*Text Conversation Titled: Ministry Hag*
Integration Liaison: Good morning, Mister Malfoy. The object in your hand is a mobile telephone. It is used as an instant messaging channel for any urgent communications regarding your welfare, integration into muggle society and general living needs. Please get in touch once you’ve been directed to your new accommodation.
Eight Hours Pass
Integration Liaison: You have been checked into your private courts for four hours and I’ve heard nothing from you.
Another three hours pass.
Integration Liaison: Are you well?
Integration Liaison: Do you not know how to use the phone? It’s really quite simple.
Integration Liaison: Do you need help?
Integration Liaison: Our systems indicate that your mobile device has bene damaged or lost. A replacement is on its way.
Integration Liaison: Mister Malfoy, I highly recommend that you comply as it will make things much easier for you.
An hour passes.
Integration Liaison Granger: Ministry Owl Officer Bennu has returned to base, well fed. The replacement phone has been delivered. Please open up the device and check in.
Draco: If I do will you shut the fuck up
Integration Liaison Granger: Mister Malfoy, finally. I was reaching the end of my patience.
Draco: YOU were running out of patience?
Integration Liaison Granger: Yes. Now that you’re here, please advise if you have received your first week of food supplies.
Draco: Yeah
Integration Liaison Granger: Great! And toiletries?
Draco: Yes
Integration Liaison Granger: Wonderful. You’ll be required to attend a job centre evaluation tomorrow at 3pm. Please dress smartly. Your wardrobe contains one suit, fitted to measure, and a selection of your personal clothing returned following inspection.
Draco: Where’s the rest?
Integration Liaison Granger: Many of your outfits have been confiscated due to the embedded enchantments. These are not permitted to be worn in muggle environments.
Draco: Give me my shit.
Integration Liaison Granger: Mister Malfoy, your sentence decreed you to live three years in muggle society to atone for your involvement in the war. You do understand what that means?
Draco: It means FUCK YOU
Integration Liaison Granger: Malfoy, might I remind you that I am in direct control of any leniency the Wizengamot might afford you. My reports will be based on your attitudes and progress and nothing else. So I suggest that you comply and listen to me.
Draco: You snapped my fucking wand
Integration Liaison Granger: I didn’t do any such thing.
Draco: You work for the fuck heads who did
Integration Liaison Granger: Your language is deplorable.
Draco: Oh my bad! Shit, that must be so fucking terrible for you
Integration Liaison Granger: Are you satisfied with your care?
Draco: Witch, go and suck Wizengamot dick
Integration Liaison Granger: Please report that you have everything you need for a comfortable night in your new (free) lodgings.
Draco: Are you STILL here?!
Integration Liaison Granger: I am unable to turn in for the night until you report you are safe, fed and acknowledge your job centre appointment tomorrow.
Draco: Yeah
Integration Liaison Granger: yeah, what?
Draco: If this phone buzzes one more fucking time
Integration Liaison Granger: Mister Malfoy, please confirm. It’s 2am and far past my clock out hour.
Integration Liaison Granger: Our systems indicate that your mobile telephone has been damaged or lost. A replacement is on its way.
*Text Conversation Titled: Ministry Hag*
9am the following morning
Integration Liaison Granger: Good morning, Mister Malfoy. Are you done throwing a temper tantrum?
1pm
Integration Liaison Granger: Mister Malfoy, your job evaluation takes place today at 3pm. Please respond.
2pm
Draco: What
Integration Liaison Granger: Please make your way to the address listed within your Welcome Home pack within thirty minutes. It is approximately a fifteen minute walk from your current location.
2:30pm
Integration Liaison Granger: Did you leave the house?
2:45pm
Integration Liaison Granger: If you’re not there now, you’ll have missed it. You need to arrive early to these things.
3:05pm
Integration Liaison Granger: Mister Malfoy, I regret to inform you that since you did not attend your scheduled job evaluation, you will not be permitted to receive messages from home. Your appointment will be rescheduled.
Draco: Granger you can tell your system that I won’t be getting messages from home anyway
Draco: I don’t give a fuck
Draco: Leave me the fuck alone
**Text Conversation Titled: Unknown Number**
?: I didn’t want to have to take this off the record but you really need to start bucking up your ideas, Malfoy.
?: I’m trying to help you. You don’t stand a chance of returning to the wizarding worlds and using magic again if you don’t just do what the ministry wants you to do.
?: I mean it, you’ll be there forever if you don’t check off the things they’ve determined to be essential to bring you back.
Draco: So the job shite
Draco: What else
?: Well the evaluation is just step one of the ‘job shite’. You need to show willingness to succeed in whatever job they thing you’re best suited to and I’ll warn you now, it won’t be well paid and it most likely will include physical labour.
Draco: Just send me to Azkaban
?: The court sentenced you to this instead since your crimes didn’t warrant a stay in jail.
Draco: This is WORSE
?: Worse than being Kissed daily?
Draco: I’m a fucking muggle
Draco: I won’t be kissed at fucking all
?: You have your freedom. Consider yourself lucky.
Draco: Remind me how I’m free
Unknown Number: You can work, you can earn, you can socialise, you can look after yourself. Most importantly, you can retain your soul and earn b ack your magical civilian status
Draco: I think you’re breaking some ministry rules by talking to me privately like this and I’ll report you.
?: I have to send all communications on the other phone to your case worker who compiles the evidence needed to end your sentence early or prolong it.
?: You have the freedom to choose which you’d prefer.
Draco: You think yourself so fucking mighty
?: Actually I pity you
Draco: That’s so much better
?: Just do as you’re told
**Text conversation titled: Ministry Hag**
Ten minutes pass
Integration Liaison Granger: Your appointment has been rescheduled for 12pm on Thursday. If you do not attend, you will receive a penalty of one additional month added to your sentence.
Draco: Will I really
Draco: Well isn’t that exciting
Draco: Thank you you miserable cow
Integration Liaison Granger: Foul and offensive language will not be tolerated. You have been switched to a censored vocabulary system.
Draco: What the fudge does that mean
Draco: Fudge
Draco: Are you shirting me Granger
Integration Liaison Granger: I am permitted to turn off the censored system at my leisure and will do so at a time that I believe you have learned your lesson.
Draco: You silly vainglorious birch
Draco: Silly
Draco: I can’t even say silly?
Draco: For fudge’s sake
Integration Liaison Granger: Please confirm your attendance to the rescheduled job evaluation.
Draco: If it gets you off my back
Integration Liaison Granger: It will
Draco: Fantastic
Draco: The sooner I never have to speak to you again, the better
Integration Liaison Granger: Better get used to it, I’m contracted to serve your sentence no matter how long it takes
Draco: What the fudge? Why?
Integration Liaison Granger: Confidential
Draco: But telling me so wasn’t?!
Draco: You’re saying that if I don’t comply and stretch out this sentence to ten years, you still have to work for me?
Integration Liaison Granger: For the Ministry on your case, yes.
Draco: What did you do?
Integration Liaison Granger: Confidential.
** Text Conversation Titled: Granger: Personal**
Draco: What did you do?
Draco: Granger
Draco: Why are you stuck with me?
Draco: Come on you daft bitch
Draco: Fuck yes
Draco: Granger, fucking talk to me
Draco: Why are you serving my sentence with me?
Draco: Come on, I have nothing to do and I’m so perilously bored, I might just jump from the apartment roof
Granger-personal: You know if you threaten things like that, I’ll be forced to have all your windows and doors locked and all sharp edges in your flat filed down.
Draco: Tell me what you did and I’ll behave
Draco: I’ll go to this shitty job thing
Granger-personal: It’s confidential
Draco: So you said and yet you raised it anyway
Draco: Will you get in trouble for even mentioning it?
Granger-personal: Yes, I’ve already received a warning
Draco: So, you’re panicking right now
Draco: Got it
Draco: Must have been something bad for them to be okay with you having the possibility of an unending sentence
Granger-personal: I just obstructed the course of justice
Granger-personal: There
Granger-personal: Now shut up about it
Draco: How?
Draco: On what case?
Granger-personal: No, you said you’d be good
Granger-personal: So fucking do it
Granger-personal: Keep an ear to the ground, do what they tell you and stop giving me shit.
Draco: You’ve got a mouth on you
Granger-personal: 🖕
Draco: Now you’ve done it
Granger-personal: Done what
Draco: Made yourself the most entertaining thing at my disposal
Draco: If you’re stuck with you, I may as well have fun with you
Granger-personal: Oh God
Granger-personal: What exactly does that mean?
**Text Conversation Titled: Ministry Hag**
Draco: I, Draco Malfoy, confirm my attendance to the job shite and do so attest that I’ll be on my best behaviour henceforth so that Granger doesn’t get into any more trouble regarding her secret crimes.
Automated Operator: Notice: This conversation is being monitored.
Draco: Now isn’t this interesting
Draco: Good morning Officer Operator
Integration Liaison Granger: Mister Malfoy, the Operator is a warning system.
Integration Liaison Granger: So be warned.
Integration Liaison Granger: Please.
Draco: look who’s finally learned some manners
Draco: Operator, the lady has been bullying me
Draco: I feel bullied and subjected to information against my will regarding this criminal’s aforementioned crimes
Integration Liaison Granger: Malfoy, stop.
Automated Operator: Notice: this conversation is locked for 24 hours.
Draco: What?
Message unsent.
Draco: Fudge off
Message unsent.
Draco: Ballsocks
Message unsent.