She really Loves me, She really Loathes me

by RiaSpooks

Summary:

It was certainly a lapse of judgement on her part, but Pomni figured she could be forgiven for feeding into Jax’s shallow, deflective melodrama just this once.

“I’d move on”

And yeah, sure, she wasn’t self-important enough to consider her comparatively short stay in the circus and even shorter stint as Jax’s so-called ‘partner in chaos’ to be in the same ballpark of whatever friendship Ragatha had unintentionally alluded to, but Pomni had still stupidly allowed herself to think Jax would respond to her obvious prod with anything other than a strike aimed to sting.

“And probably forget about you.”

-

Another "Pomni turns the gun on herself" fic, with some extra steps.

Notes:

Episode 6, huh?

Chapter 1

It was certainly a lapse of judgement on her part, but Pomni figured she could be forgiven for feeding into Jax’s shallow, deflective melodrama just this once.

 

“I’d move on”

 

And yeah, sure, she wasn’t self-important enough to consider her comparatively short stay in the circus and even shorter stint as Jax’s so-called ‘partner in chaos’ to be in the same ballpark of whatever friendship Ragatha had unintentionally alluded to, but Pomni had still stupidly, stupidly , allowed herself to think Jax would respond to her obvious prod with anything other than a strike aimed to sting.

 

“And probably forget about you.”

 

She hadn’t been her teenage self for almost a decade - easily wounded, easily driven to an emotional outburst. But something about the absolute stagnation of this circus, the lack of meaning, the lack of anything to keep her sane but the interpersonal connections available to her, had cracked through the hardened apathy of an unfulfilling adulthood in those crucial few seconds.

 

That ‘real’ Pomni, who would have walked away from the unnerving chill that stretched between the two to lick her own wounds and make a level-headed decision, seemed to crumple at her feet.

 

And so, Pomni stood with the gun clenched in her fist and tore her eyes away from the vacant grin that had stretched itself across Jax’s face - an obvious mask, but one unnerving enough to counteract any indignation she felt

 

“Okay...okay, ” she had taken a moment to pause and register the rejection, arms limp at her sides.

 

“I understand.” She turned from him.

 

The following silence rang just that much louder with the absence of the laughter and excited breathing it had been filled with for the past hour, maybe even the past few weeks - Pomni couldn’t bring herself to think back to it. 

 

And that was when she made the split second decision, staring at the barrel of the gun in her hands. Screw it. If Jax wanted her to play by the rules of his desperate coping mechanism, then she might as well commit fully. 

 

A scoff and a chuckle spat through gritted teeth reached Pomni’s burning ears. It didn’t sound genuine, nothing he said or expressed on that plasticy face of his was.

 

“Jeez, you really can’t take a joke, can you?”

 

A joke? The attempt at a backtrack was almost embarrassing, and Pomni seriously considered hurling the gun at his face - considered verifying whether he’d fight back or not if she gave him the beating he was asking for. It was probably the better solution for the both of them, but also the least self-destructive. Right then, she needed an outlet.

 

Jax cared, that much was clear to Pomni, it was obvious in the way he refused to see anyone as anything other than a character- knowing full well that his little ‘funny guy’ persona would crumble under the weight of his past actions, in the way his eyes would blow wide whenever someone got too close, in the way it felt like he was seconds away from considering stepping forward and putting a hand on her shoulder.

 

Fuck him, honestly. He’d forget about her, huh? Perhaps the only thing worse than her current position was the abject horror of disappearing even from this digital Hell only to be forgotten, never having been known in the first place - Jax had really prodded too far this time, maybe she really should just beat him at his own immature game.

 

It’s not like she would die, not now anyway. Might as well mess with the damned rabbit.

 

Pomni’s accelerating heart rate sent a shock of tainted excitement through her system as she turned back to face Jax, raising the gun.

 

His brows were knitted, tired lines having appeared under his eyes while he waited for her to move. In an instant, his face moved to shift into its default, smug, grin as he registered the gun pointing to him.

 

His mouth hadn’t yet had a chance to expand to its full range when the line of aim was no longer pointed at him, instead settling neatly underneath Pomni’s own chin.

 

Another jolt of pleasure ran down her spine as his pupils shrank to half their size in an instant and his smile froze mid-movement - a hand subconsciously rising from his side to reach out.

 

The shock only lasted a second, though, and he quickly clenched his teeth in a grimace.

 

“Oh here we go. Here we go!” Jax spat, “Because I didn’t fawn over you like some sort of newborn chick, you’re going to threaten me with your own life?” He ran a hand over half of his face, twisted into an incredulous smile

 

“You think this is going to prove that I secretly care about you? You think I’m going to try to talk you out of it? You think I haven’t seen a bit of fake blood before? Not going to happen. So just put the fucking gun down.”

 

Pomni could only stare at him, gaze growing increasingly distant as the automatic [BLEEP] rang out. His voice was grating, both too intense and too restrained at the same time. Her finger tightened around the trigger, and she tracked Jax’s line of sight until he focused on it.

 

“Oh I get what’s going on,” Jax almost laughed, chest heaving, “you’re just so desperate to have someone who cares about you - and you’ve convinced yourself that that person just has to be me because you can’t handle the fact that maybe not everyone is as much of a mess as y-”

 

“You’re a coward, Jax.” Pomni finally responded.

 

Jax flinched, almost opening his mouth to argue back, then deflated.

 

“Just put the gun down, Pomni,” his voice was suddenly tired, “there’s nothing more you can get out of me. Just give up.”

 

“Stop lying to me!” Pomni exclaimed, hand trembling harder, “I get it! Maybe I’m not the person you want to talk to, but I know you’ve had people you cared about down here. I won’t pretend to not notice how you react to certain things, and I won’t pretend to not have known people like you out in the real world. I just wanted to- I just wanted to-”

 

“Don’t you fucking dare act like you know who I was! Like you knew any of them! You- you’re acting just like he did!” Jax was shouting now, leaning down condescendingly and stepping towards Pomni, a hand already preparing to snatch the gun from her shaking hands.

 

Pomni flinched, automatically moving back to avoid his grasp, finger spasming before she could think to loosen her grip on the trigger.

 

A sharp pain tore its way through her jaw, fading almost instantaneously into a blinding white. The last thing she saw beforehand was the ground slipping from beneath her feet and a blur of purple, frozen in front of her.

Chapter 2

All things considered, ‘death’ within the digital circus was rather pleasant. The initial blinding white was replaced with a deep, blanketing black. The peace only lasted a second, though, as she felt herself pop back into existence, feet landing on a cool polished floor.

 

“The Loser Corner” was a set piece Pomni would have usually taken some time to appreciate - the glow of the aquarium was a soothing balm to her racing heartbeat. 

 

Right…heartbeat. 

 

Not dead, then, thank goodness.

 

Her blank canvas of a mental state was instantly bombarded with the chaos of everything that had happened in what was realistically the past few minutes, but already felt strangely distant. The echo of pain which Pomni could swear was still emanating from her jaw was quickly dwarfed by the gravity of what he’d said - what she’ d said back, what she’d done.

 

Accidental or not, Pomni had just blown her brains out in front of Jax, the adrenaline of it flooding back into her newly regenerated veins. Something of her mixed emotions must have shown on her face as the next thing she truly registered was a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 

“Pomni? You feeling alright?” Ragatha’s voice was apprehensive but not unwelcome as Pomni glanced up at her.

 

“Um, I think so?” she responded.

 

Looking past Ragatha’s concerned eye, Pomni’s gaze landed on the others - all dead-silent and somewhat awkwardly removing what seemed to be cat-eared headbands. The sight was ridiculous, not more than what was ‘normal’ within the circus, but enough to make the edge of Pomni’s mouth twitch humorously for a moment.

 

Perhaps the twitch looked more like a wince to the others, as Zooble gently handed their headband to Gangle’s outstretched ribbon and knitted their eyebrows.

 

“I’m sorry that asshole betrayed you,” Zooble said, “just…try not to take it to heart, he’d have stabbed anyone else in the back much sooner.”

 

Pomni couldn’t think of anything she wanted to talk about less in that moment, letting one arm raise to wave at the air around her.

 

“Ah, no no, it’s not that,” she looked away in what she hoped was a convincing portrayal of bashfulness, “I just wasn’t expecting in-game deaths to hurt like that, that’s all.”

 

“Oh yeah, first time, huh?” Zooble seemed to back off, “though, I mean,  if the pain is lingering, it might be a good idea to talk to Caine - there can be issues with resets sometimes.”

 

Pomni laughed somewhat uncomfortably, “Haha yeah..I think I’m alright, thanks.”

 

A bit egotistical, no? They’d all been through the exact same thing, by her hand, no less. She allowed a half-hearted apology to form on her lips.

 

“Sorry for shooting you guys, by the way.”

 

Ragatha tilted her head to one side and smiled, “No hard feelings, Pomni! You were just playing the game,and who would’ve known you were such a sharp shooter!”

 

Something about Ragatha giving her a compliment over her ability to quite literally tear her apart made Pomni feel a bit squeamish, but before she could open her mouth to apologise again, Gangle’s squeaky voice rang out through the room.

 

“Speaking of games…shouldn’t this one be over, then? I kinda wanna go back to my room”

 

“What’s over??” A sharp yelp came from Kinger’s corner as he turned from staring at something only he could see.

 

“I don’t know, maybe Caine’s still busy with his whole “character awards” thing.” Zooble groaned, crossing their arms and rolling their eyes, slightly out  of sync with one another. “He couldn’t even be bothered to give us any proper guidelines for this one.” 

 

Pomni distantly registered a small “pop” from behind her before a video camera clattered to the ground, surrounded only by soap suds.

 

“Uh, was tha-”

 

-

 

Pomni’s view of the dimly lit aquarium was replaced with the obnoxiously bright shapes and colours of the circus’s expansive main hall in an instant - floating above them, Caine sat back leisurely, watching bubble chase its own figurative ‘tail’ with one gloved hand outstretched in a completed snapping movement. 

 

Seeing that his summon had worked, he broke into his usual overly-animated ringleader shtick.

 

“Great work this game, teams! You provided some truly riveting content for The Council to take into consideration!” he boomed.

 

Hovering just above Ragatha and Kinger and pointing his cane towards them, he continued. “Gut wrenching heart-to-hearts!” He turned to Gangle, avoiding Zooble’s pointed glare “mildly entertaining philosophical discussions!”

 

Finally, he turned his attention towards Pomni, who was standing with a conspicuously Jax-shaped empty space at her side.

 

“Well then Pomni! Your little stunt had me searching high and low for my rule book,” a leather-wrapped, epic of a book appeared in his hands as he shoved it into her face, only drawing back to reasonable distance to rapidly flip through the dusty pages, “Here on page 492 of section 3: ‘FUN and GUNS!’ it states that Jax would have won on a technicality! You have my deepest sympathies - you’ve missed out on the special winners celebration I had planned…”

 

Pomni looked askance, avoiding the burning stares she could practically feel sizzling into the back of her latex suit, and knowing the absurdity of the circus well, she was about 60% sure the burning plastic she was smelling was real.

 

“My bad,” she scratched the side of her face, “But uh, where exactly is Jax?”

 

The tips of her fingers tingled with the distinct sensation of not wanting to know, but perhaps a part of her habitual, more reasonable, self had returned, and she felt somewhat obligated to offer some care.

 

“Why, enjoying his prize, of course! But enough about our resident bunny boy.” Caine crossed his arms and straightened his posture. “The Favourite Character Awards ceremony will begin in..” he checked his watch, “a reasonable amount of time, so enjoy some well-deserved pregaming in the meantime!”

 

No answer, then.

 

And with that final proclamation, Caine’s form blurred and disappeared to who-knows-where, leaving only four mock-martinis in his wake, Kinger alone moved to catch his - the rest falling to the ground with a wet squidge.

 

“You gonna explain any of that, Pomni?” Zooble questioned, probably already predicting her answer.

 

“Um…no thanks.”

• - 

The ceremony would begin after an hour or so of bed canopy-staring on Pomni’s end of things. Before hastily entering her room in hopes of escaping any other possible questions, Pomni had cast a doubtful glance at the door opposite her own - the toothy grin staring back at her seemed more 2D than ever as she shut the door behind her.

 

If Jax was in his room, there had not been a shuffle to be heard from within.

 

Presently, Pomni was pushing herself up onto the plush red velvet seats of the ceremony venue beside Ragatha. She felt reassured, having already scheduled a conversation with her for after the show.

 

While somewhat anxious about what Ragatha wanted to say to her, she was cheerful at the idea of a genuine conversation between the two of them. Ragathas coming forward must have meant something to the effect of a conversation deeper than the usual “Don’t worry about it!” which had pushed Pomni away in the first place. Pomni herself had more than a few questions for Ragatha.

 

Jax was an asshole, that was for sure, but he wasn’t an unfeeling one. Pomni didn’t enjoy the thought of cutting Jax off completely - not that she could in such a confined space anyway - and she sure as hell wasn’t going to let him make his mask a permanent fixture. Maybe if she could contextualise his actions… maybe then she could figure something out. The whole situation was shrouded in uncertainty, but Pomni had never been particularly afraid of the bizarre - only the dark.

 

“Hey Pomni?” Ragatha said quietly.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Well, I was just thinking that since, you know, none of us have seen Jax since the game…” she looked somewhat nervous, “do you think he’ll leave us alone a bit longer?”

 

A pit was forming in Pomni’s stomach, and while she could more than understand the others taking pleasure in his absence, her knowledge that she was responsible left her feeling more than a bit sick.

 

“I’ve got no idea,” she answered absently as she twisted round in her seat, eyes scanning the aisle and entryway.

 

Her gaze locked on the approaching purple silhouette at the very end of it, and she quickly spun back into her chair, suddenly anxious.

 

Ragatha threw her a questioning glance and Pomni subtly gestured over her shoulder; Ragatha’s mouth formed a slight ‘O’ shape before she nodded rather solemnly in understanding.

 

A few seconds of staring at, but not really seeing the curtained stage later, the sounds of Jax’s footsteps were uncomfortably heavy against Pomni’s conscience. Half-hoping he’d sit beside her or Ragatha, Pomni inwardly sighed as she heard shuffling from just behind her - he’d chosen the seat next to Zooble instead. 

 

The show started shortly and Pomni allowed herself to sink into the absurdity of it - who was actually voting on these categories? Unimportant. Who was winning? Also meaningless, but mildly entertaining all the same. 

 

The relative peace lasted until there was an abrupt rustle from the seat Jax had been in, Pomni looked back in time to see him turn away from the rest of them as he somewhat hurriedly made his way back down the aisle, taking a right towards what she assumed were the bathrooms. 

 

She tried her best to quell her tumultuous thoughts - although their digital bodies ensured that bathrooms were never a necessity, they could still feel the phantom echoes of thirst or take comfort in the, perhaps false, privacy of such places. Maybe he was just bored…and maybe it was something else.

 

If she was being honest, Pomni had no idea what she’d say to Jax anyway; an apology seemed to rest on the tip of her tongue, halted only by the still tender bruise of his confirmation of her worst fears, but predicting how he’d react to another prod at a real conversation was arguably more volatile than the literal bomb he’d placed on her desk.

 

The thought made her want to sigh again - the prospect of a friendship with Jax had been strangely exciting back then. He was so unavailable to everyone else, preferring to let every interaction with others turn into another cruel joke or straight up punch to the literal gut, but she had managed to get around that barrier. She wasn’t quite sure how she’d done it, but Jax didn’t seem to want to play with her in the same way he did with everyone else - probably due to their lack of a complicated history, something she could quite easily guess he had with each remaining member of the circus.

 

After all this though, she’d probably be grouped in with the rest, and the thought made her feel unreasonably hollow. Even worse that she couldn’t even blame him completely, she was really coming to regret allowing the melodramatic facet of her personality to breach the surface, she’d thought it long gone.

 

-

 

Minutes passed and Jax hadn’t yet returned. 

 

Pomni was on the precipice of going off to find him herself, having chased her own thoughts into a corner when he finally made another appearance. He’d apparently decided to keep his distance this time as he went to sit on the opposite side of the aisle, enough rows back to obscure the expression on his face. Pomni guessed she wouldn’t have been able to glean much truth from it regardless.

 

Caine had finished up his final speeches, rather deflated after the whole “Ming” fiasco, and the others were finally able to rise from their seats and leave the venue.

 

Pomni walked by Ragatha’s side, a hand reaching towards the main doors which would lead them back to the main circus when she heard a cough from behind her.

 

“Sorry to disturb you again, Pomni, but did you really not notice anything strange back there?” Zooble said.

 

“Uh, not really?” Pomni’s mind only supplied her with Jax’s extended bathroom visit.

 

Zooble leaned towards Pomni, needlessly quiet seeing as Jax had already left.

 

“I’d be extra careful of Jax for a while,” their brows drew together, “he was staring right at you the whole time he was next to me, creepy stuff if you ask me.”

 

An involuntary shiver made its way down Pomni’s spine as she frowned instinctively, “What do you mean?”

 

“He was barely even blinking. I’ve never seen him look so…” Zooble trailed off.

 

“Scared.”

Notes:

We'll get back into the more Jax-centered content next chapter, don't worry!

In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this one. :)

Chapter 3

Notes:

Wrote the first scene in a "I'd Rather Sleep - et aliae Remix" fueled haze, just as finding songs with a suitable vibe often induces.

“Jax!” 

 

That lighthearted, laughing voice snapped Jax from his daydreams just as it had countless times over the past months. 

 

How long had it been now, a year? Two? Jax shook the thought from his head and turned to his friend, a comfortable smile automatically worming its way onto his face at the sight of him.

 

Ribbit had been so…himself that evening; wide grin and wide eyes taking up the majority of his face. His hand was raised as if he were hailing a cab as he ran towards him, cheeks flushed just a bit more red than usual from the effort of it.

 

“What? Can’t keep up?” Jax teased before turning away again and continuing his stroll towards the map’s fairgrounds

 

“Not my fault your legs are so freakishly long!”

 

“Eh, maybe you should try hopping next time, froggy,” the insult had no bite to it, and Jax slowed enough to let Ribbit catch up.

 

Clutching at his knees and gasping for air for a second once he reached him, Ribbit turned his head towards Jax.

 

“You know, when you asked if I wanted to come out here with you I wasn’t expecting you to hit the ground running like I was going to bite your tail off.”

 

“Again.” Jax rolled his eyes, crossing his arms.

 

“Hey, that was one time! And I was just trying to prove a point!"

 

“Yeah yeah, funny cartoon bodies and all that, right?”

 

“Uh-huh! As I said, no use getting all worked up over a body that doesn’t even really belong to you…” Ribbit trailed off, straightening up and letting his already mischievous smile curve along his face at an even sharper angle, obviously ramping up towards something 

 

 “...is what I would say if mine wasn’t totally cooler than yours!”

 

At that, Ribbit smacked Jax’s shoulder lightly and sprinted past him, straight towards the central ferris wheel of the circus’s open-air fair grounds.

 

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Jax yelled back, making a run for it before he could register giving himself the command.

 

He caught up with Ribbit almost immediately, grinning down at him with a competitive eyebrow raised. Stupid as it was, pointless little games like this were the most fun he had in this place, hell, maybe even the most fun he’d had since the last traces of childhood fat and innocence had left his face back in the real world.

 

Ribbit narrowed his eyes in concentration as he grabbed onto Jax’s shoulder mid leap, propelling himself upwards and bouncing off of Jax’s head towards the moving carriages of the Ferris wheel overhead. 

 

Using the circus’s cartoon physics to his benefit, Ribbit somersaulted midair and landed on a support beam with gymnast level-ease, slipping himself into a carriage and turning back to stick his unusually long tongue out at Jax - who had quickly righted himself from his loss of balance at the impact.

 

Jax placed his gloved hands on his hips and tilted his pelvis to one side.

 

“Show off,” he sing-songed up at him, waiting for Ribbit’s compartment to reach ground level so he could join him.

 

After a few seconds, Ribbit leaned over the edge and reached out a hand; Jax took it and let himself be pulled up and in by his side.

 

It had been a clear, starry night on the circus grounds, and Jax could’ve sworn he heard the phantom echo of a brood of cicadas from the plastic trees and bushes they were now so far above. 

 

He hadn’t often left the main tent during his first few weeks, but when Ribbit and Ragatha had introduced the idea of spending the occasional night outside, if they weren’t too worn out by the day’s adventure, that is, he’d grown to take comfort in it.

 

Perhaps its quiet left too much room for thought, though, and Jax and Rabbit had gradually fallen out of the habit in silent agreement.

Jax broke the silence after a few moments, bending over at the waist to lay his folded arms across the edge of the carriage, resting his head atop of them.

 

“You think Rags is going to be a drag about earlier today?”

 

Ribbit snorted, gazing with eyes half-lidded at the slowly rotating scenery, “Dunno, man. Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you ripped her seams out.”

 

“Well maybe I was ‘just trying to prove a point’ too” Jax’s ears mimicked the movement of air quotes as he parroted Ribbit’s earlier words back at him.

 

“C’mon Jax, you know the rest are more sensitive than we are.”

 

Jax had never been especially considerate of people’s emotions in the real world - he hadn’t felt like they deserved it. All their whining, nagging, their instant dismissal of him when they realised he had nothing to offer but a jaded world-view and a faulty emotional-regulatory system.

 

He’d still missed them for a while, though.

 

“I just don’t get why the girls never let loose, I mean, what’s the point of treating this place like it has any consequences?” Jax shrugged, “Makes this dumb circus almost worth the trouble.”

 

Ribbit looked down at Jax, a trace of disappointment brushing past his face, “you’re not having any doubts again, are you?”

 

“Huh?” He looked over.

 

“We enjoy it here, don’t we? We couldn't be further from the pressures of a normal life…” Ribbit trailed off

 

“So why should we let someone who hasn't realised that yet shove us back into that box?” Jax continued for him.

 

He smiled at Jax, “A bit extreme, but yeah pretty much.”

 

Sometimes it felt like Ribbit was the only other sane one in the circus - the others, at least those who were lucid enough to control themselves, all acted so normal that it made them strange against the absurd backdrop of the circus.

 

Ribbit was the one who had brought Jax back from the dangerous precipice that was first being dropped off in the circus, confused, torn from normalcy, suddenly so, so stagnant. He’d identified what Jax needed - not to be coddled, not to meaninglessly grieve a life he hadn’t even really wanted to live, but to recognise the circus for the escape it could be. All the needless emotions which had bogged him down in the real world could finally be drowned out, anyone trying to hold them back now could be punched down without consequence.

 

“I don’t want to go back.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

“Good.”

 

And back then, somewhere just below the surface, Jax could have still recognised that he was a walking contradiction; 

 

a man who wanted this world to be real, a man who didn’t want to treat it like it was - an innocent, twitching rabbit with sharp, yellow teeth.

• - 

That was the last time he and Ribbit spent an evening together outside and looking back, Jax should’ve guessed that Ribbit was a hypocrite from the beginning.

 

Ribbit had been younger than him when he got sucked into the circus - barely 20 years old, but he’d been there for a long while before Jax arrived. It had seemed to him that Ribbit had everything figured out: this new world’s routines, ways to distract yourself from the existential dread of it all, the best way to keep moving forward.

 

Jax himself had only been 22 when he was torn away from everything. He shook with the anger of it for a long time - he was too young for something like this to happen to him, and sure, his life had been a self-declared shitstorm, but it had still been his. The cosmic gods, be that Caine or some other similarly wide-grinned entity, must have had a great laugh before deciding to pull the rug from under him.

 

But Ribbit seemed to understand all of that - the utter desperation that came from having your life turned upside down before it could ever really start, and so he taught him his own methods: put simply, erase whatever remained and convince yourself that things are better the way they turned out. It had been unavoidable, inevitable

 

Maybe he’d never really believed his own advice, or maybe something had finally snapped and recoiled deep within him - just as something had cracked the oh so fragile pane of sanity that everyone clung to down here for so many others before him.

 

Either way, Jax noticed the shift. Exactly when Ribbit’s desperation to leave made its first appearance, he wasn’t sure – was it after Kaufmo joined the cast? After Ragatha had stopped finding their teasing funny? Guesswork, he figured.

 

Though to be fair to himself here, it was starting to get harder and harder to be introspective considering the position he was in.  At present, Kaufmo’s voice was increasing in volume with each word that tumbled from his ridiculous, painted mouth, and Jax was getting really tired of letting speckles of spit fly at his face as Kaufmo held him by the straps of his overalls.

 

Kaufmo gave Jax one last shake and threw him to the ground of the otherwise empty circus hallway - Jax could practically feel the others listening in through their doors - before sighing, pressing one oversized hand to his forehead in frustration.

 

“For the last time, asshole, just what exactly did you do to him?” Kaufmo’s voice was always annoyingly thick, like he had something stuck in his throat.

 

Jax’s face twitched as he pushed himself upright.

 

“Jeez, you really are a clown, aren’t you?” he let his arms wave wildly about his head as he continued, incredulous, “If anyone here bothered to use their brains they’d be blaming you! Ribbit was fine before you started going on and on and on about ‘exits’ and your ridiculous fantasies of finding ‘family and friends’.”

 

“This is what I’m talking about, Jax! You are cruel, just far too cruel.” Kaufmo was shaking his head again, “I knew Ribbit was going to pull you aside for a conversation, for God’s sake he was the one who told me he was planning to! And look what happened - he hasn’t left his room in days!”

 

“Only because you changed him,” Jax could feel himself beginning to stutter - anger and something that tasted of vomit rushing to his head, “I act this way because Ribbit and I both know that it’s – it’s how we-”

 

Jax didn’t want to call it a ‘coping mechanism,’ that pathetic word for people who needed help. He didn’t need help, and Ribbit hadn’t even wanted it until now.

 

“Ribbit was trying to help you in any way he knew how - but you, there’s something rotten inside you - you took it too far.” Kaufmo was looking at him like he was a glass of spoiled milk.

 

Jax’s chest was heaving, his thoughts running fast enough to make him dizzy - he wanted to talk to Ribbit - to laugh with him like they always had. But Ribbit wasn’t talking to him right now, and shit, he might never again. 

 

He was already regretting what he’d said, and even more so now that Kaufmo was calling him out with so much ease. What the Hell did he know about their friendship? How much had Ribbit told him? Why was he being left all alone again? 

 

The circus was supposed to be different. 

 

And if it wasn’t… if it was just like the real world, with all its coming and going, gaining and losing, then what was the point of sticking around?

“You know, if you’re so desperate to get out here, there’s more than one way to leave the circus.”

Jax had never seen Ribbit look at him the way he had after that - no smile, no frown, no wide eyes, no half-lidded eyes either. Expression like a flatlining heart-monitor, Ribbit had turned away from Jax and replied with a crackling voice.

 

“You don’t really mean that.”

 

Jax had scoffed, nonchalant. Ribbit was hurt by the implication. Good.

 

“You told me not to joke around anymore, I’m just listening to your advice.” 

 

A pause.

 

“Get out.”

 

“Oh? I thought you wanted comfort,” that last word was said in a mocking disdain - just another ‘fuck you’ to top off of the rest of the argument.

 

“I told you to get the fuck out!” 

 

Ribbit had never yelled before. 

 

Jax grinned, pupils blown, and shut Ribbit’s door on his way out.

Jax was faintly aware that he was taking too long to respond to Kaufmo’s provocation. He didn’t care.

 

He felt sick - he was going to be sick - what was wrong with him? What did he care about what Kaufmo thought about him? What anyone in this place thought about him?

 

He needed to get out of here.

 

“There's more than one way to leave the circus.”

 

He wanted to claw the sound of his own voice out of his head - scratch until the rubber of his body tore and his insides pooled out all over the floor.

 

Turning on his heel, Jax tried his hardest to slow his breathing as he walked away.

 

“You’re a coward, Jax,” Kaufmo’s voice chased him down the narrow corridor, twisting and distorting with it.

 

Jax picked up the pace.

 

• - 

“You’re a coward, Jax.”

 

“You’re a coward, Jax.”

The voices seemed to overlap in his head - one deep and thick, the other high and sweet.

 

Whose voice was that?

 

Maybe the circus had finally turned whatever remained of his brain to mush; his mind’s eye provided him only with images superimposed upon one another in a sickening attempt at patchwork.

 

Large, round eyes, blushing cheeks, an airy laugh, a comforting presence – a friend.

 

Friend?

 

Right, Pomni had never been his friend.

 

Pomni had blown her brains out.

 

Ribbit was long gone.

 

Jax threw up all over the black-and-white checkered floor.

Notes:

I'm personally not a huge fan of the idea that either Jax or Ribbit are responsible for the "corruption" of the other, so I wanted to make their relationship a tad more ambiguously co-dependent.

Back to the present for the next chapter!

Notes:

I've been watching TADC on the sidelines for a while, but episode 6 really got into that interpersonal drama that I love so much. Never thought I'd end up attached to a jester and her unruly purple rabbit, but here we are!