Chapter Text
Almost always when Gerard had a bad idea, it was Mikey that got dragged along with him. The other half of the time, it was Ray, but Mikey wouldn't force Ray to deal with his dumbass brother for any longer than he had to. Although, he’d been becoming more and more convinced that Gerard and Ray were something but he couldn’t prove it. Normally, it was something fucking stupid that Gerard wanted him to do, but this was different.
But it was still stupid of course.
Crashing into Mikey and Frank's dorm just to ask him his opinion on what to do with his hair was something Gerard would do, and had done before when Administration got mad at him for it being too long. It was happening now, probably because Frank, as a junior, had managed to get a tattoo with none of the boarding school teachers figuring it out and with no one who would snitch on him finding out. So if Gerard wanted to do something that he shouldn't have been then it would be easiest to go through Frank.
“Don't- What?” Mikey managed to get out of his mouth, trying to figure out how the hell Gerard would think of this.
“Even if you don't go with me, I'll still go out and get it. I'll just convince Ray to go with me even if he's asleep.” Gerard said decisively, sitting on Mikeys desk, making it very clear that he didn’t want to go out alone.
“Fucking- Gerard, why do you want to sneak out to buy a wig?” Mikey asked. His brother had long hair already, sure Gerard trimmed it like once a month so it was the longest it was allowed to be without getting in trouble, but it still draped just above his collar. That was fairly long compared to every other guy that went here.
“Guess, I'm asking Ray then.” Gerard sighed dramatically, getting off his desk and walking to leave his room, presumably to go ask the same question to Ray. Why the hell had Gerard not asked Ray first?
“Hold on, aren't there wigs in the theater?” Mikey asked.
“I guess, but they all suck. I feel like I'd get lice if I put those on.” Gerard said, wrinkling his nose.
“Just…” Mikey hesitated, struggling with his words for a moment. “Fine. I'm going with you, but if we get in trouble this is your fault, okay? You bribed me.”
“‘Kay!” Gerard grinned as Mikey grabbed his wallet, and slipped it into his pocket. At least he'd changed out of his uniform so they'd get in less trouble if they got caught.
Listlessly, Mikey followed. He wasn't entirely sure why he was entertaining his brother with this, especially because they weren't supposed to be off campus right now, but it seemed like this was somehow important to Gerard, so he’d go with. They may be able to leave the dorms but they were not supposed to be in town looking at wigs. There was no part of Mikey that could even figure out why Gerard wanted to look at wigs, let alone buy one. He especially couldn't figure out where it came from, but he was a nice younger brother and just helped Gerard with whatever crisis he was going through that he'd rather take to Mikey before he took it to Ray.
Much like all of them, Ray liked to play video games so when they got back, and somehow hadn’t gotten caught, Mikey found a note from Frank saying that he was going to go play smash bros with Ray, highlighting that he'd been practicing with Kirby to finally win against Ray. It almost made him wonder when his friends became his brother's friends as well.
“Now, are you ready for this?” Mikey asked as Gerard unpacked the wig from the bag.
Opening the bag got Mikey a better look at it as he hadn't really been paying attention when Gerard bought it, and it honestly just looked like his hair but longer, just as jet black and straight, just longer for some reason. Which made him even more confused, but Gerard took out the wig and grabbed the hair brush that he'd brought with him because apparently that was something that Gerard just had.
“Psht.” Gerard said as he brushed out the wig. “I mean I'm sure it's nothing, I just wanna see y'know.”
“Question. What do you want to see? You still haven't told me what this is about.” Mikey said, as he put his feet up on his desk while his brother continued to mess with the wig in front of the mirror that was forcefully attached to all the dresser doors in every dorm. “Does it have something to do with Ray?”
“Ray is not my boyfriend, we've been over this.” Gerard said, rolling his eyes in the mirror.
“So you say.” Mikey muttered, picking up the spiderman comic he'd been reading.
“That is true.” Gerard muttered. “I'm not lying to you.”
“Uh-huh, and I completely believe you on that. Just like how I believe that Ray didn't bite a crayon in the back of chemistry.” Mikey said, flipping to the page he'd been on and beginning to read.
“Very much exactly like that.” Gerard said lying through his teeth, muttering something about wig caps and how stupid this was. Something about how stupid he was but Mikey didn't want to ask if Gerard was referring to himself or Mikey.
Wig caps seemed stupid. What the hell even were they? Something to go under the wig? Why would you need that? Well, maybe it wouldn't damage your hair if you wore those. Whatever, it was Gerards life even if his brother wasn't talking about it to his closest friend and was instead talking to Mikey about it. That had been happening less lately which is why Mikey had started to think that Ray and Gerard were dating even if they both denied it. Mikey knew the truth. It really did make him wonder if Ray had something to do with this stupid wig deal.
“Xenon!” Spiderman gasped. “You've got xenon and-”
Yet, while Mikey read there was an odd silence that started which made him furrow his brow, trying to hear what Gerard was doing. It was still completely silent though, which was not something that normally happened when Gerard was doing something stupid.
“Zinc in that rocket.”
A moment later, Mikey closed the comic and looked up, looking at Gerard who had put the wig on while he wasn't looking, or paying attention. He wasn't sure when that had happened but now he was watching his brother stare in the mirror like it was his saving grace while also looking incredibly conflicted.
But, Mikey saw that the wig went down to just below Gerards shoulders, jet black much like his hair and that he was using his hands to move some of the hair to the front like he'd forgotten that this was Mikeys dorm and that he was in here with him, using his mirror. Is that why Gerard wanted the wig? To look like that? Was that why he looked so shell-shocked but in a happy way? It was a little odd to see his brother like that. Yet, it was the happiest that he’d seen Gerard in literally weeks, maybe months at this point.
Clearly it must've been some reason but even as Mikey looked at him, the answer just in reach, the answer wasn't showing up. For some stupid reason, Mikey knew the answer to why Gerard wanted the wig, but it wasn't showing up. No one went out and bought a wig and looked that happy when they put it on. Something was still nagging at him trying to figure it out.
Definitely had to have a reason of some sort. This wasn't some spur of the moment thing. Gerard didn't sneak out to buy stuff without a plan and didn't buy shit unless he knew that he needed it, or wanted it to do something. That just wasn’t the type of person that Gerard was, almost everything he did was purposefully. Mikey knew that much about his brother. Now, why the hell would he want a wig that made him look like a-
Exactly then was when he realized.
Fuck, that would be a very good reason that Gerard would do something.
“Gee, you look like a girl.” Mikey said, watching Gerard snap out of his haze of staring at himself in the wig. He could see Gerard's face falling over whatever this was, and so he said, “Not that it's a bad thing, like… if you want to look like a girl.”
Here, for a moment, there was silence as Gerard continued to stare at himself, even if he wasn’t smiling anymore, Mikey could see Gerards eyes, looking over himself like he was actually seeing himself for once. A silence that was broken by Gerard suddenly moving.
“I'm going back to my dorm.” Gerard announced suddenly, taking the wig off and shoving it in the bag, disappearing before Mikey could ask anymore questions about it.
Just as Gerard was storming out of the room, Frank was outside the dorm room, about to let himself back in, but went in, glancing at Gerard leaving. He seemed almost confused at how quick Gerard was leaving and how upset he seemed. Mikey knew that he wasn’t actually upset though.
“Kick him out or something?” Frank muttered, looking defeated, and Mikey just knew that he’d gotten his ass beat at smash bros again despite doing his best to beat Ray.
“Left on his own.” Mikey muttered, picking the comic back up.
“Must’ve picked up on the fact that Ray got tired of beating me.” Frank huffed, tossing himself on his bed.
“No comment.” Mikey said, flipping the page.
Or maybe he should go after Gerard. Should he go after Gerard? That wasn’t like a small thing that he’d witnessed. That was his brother looking like he’d actually seen himself for the first time.
Pushing Gerard about it though would take a moment because he knew that his brother might not give him a straight answer if he didn’t want to talk about it. Not at first, and that might cause some tension because if Gerard stopped giving him answers again, he was going to get upset, and if he kept pushing it, Gerard would get upset, and they’d argue about it. But, Mikey was a nosy bitch and he knew it. He was going to get the answers from Gerard just by telling him one stupid fucking thing that he’d noticed.
Quickly, he put the comic back down and got up, going to go after his brother before he could get back up to his dorm. Maybe their dorm. Could Mikey call him his brother anymore? Either way, he walked down the hall towards Gerard.
Right there, fumbling for his stupid key was his brother, maybe not his brother. Someone that Mikey was related to and happened to be going to talk to right now just to say a few words so that Gerard knew what Mikey had seen.
“Shit.” Gerard muttered as he dropped his keys, picked them up and Mikey managed to get next to him, and his brother looked at him warily.
“That was the happiest I've seen you in a while, a long time actually.” Mikey said. “I just thought you should know that.”
Unfortunately, it seemed like Gerard was not up to talking about it because his brother stayed silent as his hand held onto the door, not responding and just processing the words in relation to the wig.
“Very happy.” Mikey emphasized and he knew that Gerard understood what he was getting at because his hand tightened on the door.
“Well, I think it was.” Gerard admitted softly, a quiet admission to Mikey that he wasn't going insane, that Mikey had seen that, before Gerard went back inside his dorm, ending all talk about the wig in his bag.
Xylophones would be easier to manage than how much Mikey hated seeing Gerard upset, but they knew now that Mikey had seen whatever that was. That Mikey had seen that and could be trusted with this knowledge, and that Gerard hadn't made a mistake by trusting him with that one moment, that one moment that was probably going to change everything. That really had been the happiest that Mikey had seen Gerard in a really long time, even if they'd looked almost conflicted by it, like it was something that shouldn't have been discovered now, but Gerard looked happy.
Yawning, Mikey turned back to go back to his own dorm, sure that in time, Gerard would tell him more about whatever the hell was happening.
xxx
The day that Gerard actually said anything was a few days later, when Frank had fucked off somewhere probably to do something stupid or maybe he had detention again because he seemed to constantly since he never wore his tie right. That was his own damn fault.
So he was a little surprised when Gerard let himself in, closing the door behind him and looking around like he was checking to see if Frank wasn't there. He had a bag with him again, and Mikey had a good idea of where this was going.
“Okay, Mikey, I had a really stupid idea.” Gerard announced, putting the bag on his desk while Mikey looked up from where he had actually been attempting to do today's Chemistry homework because he didn't want to do it later.
“You always have stupid ideas.” Mikey said, leaning back in his chair and spinning to look at his brother.
“No, no, it's even stupider.” Gerard said. “So, I wanna grow my hair out right, look like those cool rocker dudes.”
“Okay, but you can't do that because the school requires our hair to be short.” Mikey reminded him, and he didn't bother pointing out that Gerard was lying to him, they both knew why Gerard wanted to grow out his hair, but Mikey wouldn't say anything until Gerard did. Not on this.
“Exactly, so, I have this wig, right? What if, you help me cut the hair until it looks like mine right now, and then I just wear that during the day and get to grow my hair out in private?” Gerard said with a grin on his face.
“Well, if I was anyone else I would say wait 7 damn months until you graduate, but it doesn't sound like you're giving me much of an option here.” Mikey said, sighing and beginning to root around for a pair of scissors. He knew that he and Frank had one somewhere.
This probably wouldn't be something that Gerard would be able to hide for very long, but if it made him happy then so be it. Eventually someone was going to realize that he was wearing a wig but that day would come later and that wasn't Mikey's issue to deal with. Right now, Gerard had figured out a way to be happy and was trusting him with it, even if he was lying a little to him.
“Nope!” Gerard said, pulling the wig out and dragging Mikeys chair over in front of the mirror.
“Woah, woah, hold on.” Mikey said, as Gerard went back for the wig, and found a pair of scissors. “What are you planning on doing?”
“Well, I looked it up on the computers in the school library and it said that you gotta put the wig on a human head shape thing, but I don’t have one of those, but you exist and we can’t make it look like my hair if my hair is under the wig, so obviously, you get to wear the wig while I make it look like my hair.” Gerard explained as if this was a completely reasonable thing to expect from him.
“Uh, hold on. Do not take a pair of scissors to my hair.” Mikey said, as he watched Gerard adjust the wig behind him, clearly preparing to put the wig on Mikey. He knew his brother though and that might not be the case this one time, and Mikey wasn’t stupid.
“I’m not.” Gerard promised. “Just the wig.”
Mikey sighed and let Gerard put the wig on him, and then thought about something, “Hey, at least put something under the chair so you don’t get shitty plastic hair all over the floor.”
“I will, hold on.” Gerard said, looking around and eventually landing on one of Mikey’s jackets that he wore on the weekends when they didn’t have to wear their uniforms all the time.
“You’re an asshole.” Mikey said as Gerard put it down on the ground and his brother just hummed.
With that the wig cap was attached to his head, and it was just as uncomfortable as Mikey thought it would be. Then, the wig was put on and Gerard started to cut the hair, mimicking his own style, at least the one he had.
“So, how’s Ray?” Mikey asked.
“You see him literally as much as I do.” Gerard muttered, focusing on making the curtain bangs he had because cutting up this wig was the smarter idea compared to going out and finding another that looked like his haircut.
“Yeah, but I’m not the one in love with him.” Mikey grinned.
Gerard glared at him, and moved to the back of the wig, clearly trying to hide the fact that he was going red.
“You’re an asshole. I’m not in love with him, we’ve been over this, Mikey.” Gerard answered, the snip of the scissors playing over their conversation.
“It’s okay if you are.” Mikey said.
“I know, but we aren’t. We’re just friends.” Gerard said, decidedly.
“Uh-huh, friends kiss each other, sure.” Mikey said dryly, intending for it to be a joke about how close they were, but Gerard snapped his head up like Mikey had discovered some huge secret.
“How do you know about that?” Gerard demanded.
Mikeys jaw dropped and he turned to look at his brother, “You kissed him and you aren’t dating?”
“No- We-” Gerard groaned and buried his head in his hands, leaning against mikeys desk, and then he muttered. “It was one time.”
“One time still counts, you kissed him and you didn’t tell me.” Mikey said.
“I don’t tell you everything.” Gerard said, looking up from his hands, face stained pink.
“You told me about this instead of Ray.” Mikey pointed out, and Gerard faltered.
“This is different.” Gerard said quietly.
Mikey felt like he’d struck a cord somewhere and so he shut up about that, but did go back to teasing Gerard about Ray, “Y’know, you gotta tell me about this. When did you kiss Ray?”
Gerard rolled his eyes and stood back up, opening and closing the scissors threateningly while Mikey pretended to be scared of them.
“None of your business, Mikey. It just happened one day. We haven’t really talked about it or anything.” Gerard answered, starting to work on the wig again. “I mean Ray seems fine with how things are, but like I’m not a damn mindreader. I don’t know how he actually feels.”
“Well, you're going to have to tell me when he does get his shit together.” Mikey said.
“Oh fuck off. It's a small crush, nothing serious.” Gerard said, snipping the scissors dangerously close to his ear. “I have scissors in my hand, I will cut your hair and this wig.”
“Uh, no you won't because I'll tell Ray.” Mikey said.
“You wouldn't.” Gerard gasped.
“Oh, don't bet on it. I will tell him, your little boyfriend.” Mikey teased.
“He's not my boyfriend, oh my god.” Gerard said, snipping more of the hair off the wig. Then Gerard grumbled comparing himself and the wig before deciding that was good enough apparently and saying, “There, I'm done. Now, I don't have to deal with you.”
Gerard grabbed the wig, and started to leave while Mikey grinned, saying, “Tell your boyfriend I said hi!”
“Kill yourself, Mikey.” Gerard called back and Mikey cackled.
xxx
Gerard laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, silently wondering if he should get up and take melatonin or if it was too late for that. The clock over on Rays desk told him that it was almost midnight and he should be asleep but he couldn’t stop thinking. That was his damn problem, his problem was that he couldn’t stop thinking.
About everything, about Ray, about Mikey, about the stupid wig- God, why had they bought that fucking wig? He’d told himself that it would make things better because then he’d stop getting upset about having to cut his hair short, and see that if he grew it out it wouldn’t look good. Then, he’d just looked like a fucking girl.
He’d just looked like a fucking girl and Mikey had said that he looked like one and told him it was fine if he did, and he just.
Gerard flipped over and put his head on his pillow, screaming into it, not actually because he didn’t want to wake up Ray but why the actual fuck was he thinking about it. It wasn’t like Gerard wanted to be a girl. That was not what he wanted at all. He just wanted to get through the remaining year here at boarding hell.
He’d seen how people treated this one poor senior who had come out when he was a freshman, seen how all the other people treated him differently the moment that he said that he wasn’t a woman inside. He knows how trans people get treated here, and while Gerard is fine with trans people, he is not one of them.
Yet, he can’t stop thinking about the stupid fucking wig. The longest his hair had ever gotten before their parents had decided that it was better for him to cut it was his shoulders. That was the longest he’d ever seen his hair and it wasn’t even his fucking hair, but he’d liked it, and Mikey had said that he looked happy. Some part of his brain makes his mouth curl up, envisioning themself in the wig, with long hair, wondering what it would be like if it was his own, their own hair, in that mirror staring back at them. Their mind wandered to the wig that was sitting butchered in their backpack, knowing that it would probably get them caught within days.
Gerard huffed, flipping his brain around, trying to get it to stop, trying to get it to stop focusing on the fact that he’d liked looking like a girl, that he’d wanted to see what would happen if he put makeup on, and that it was being stupid, starting to use pronouns on himself that he didn’t even think to choose.
This was fucking stupid, he was never going to sleep if he didn’t take some melatonin but if he took it now he’d be asleep until first period because Ray would try and wake them- god damn it.
He’d never been more mad and frustrated with his own brain. He clenched his hair, thinking of the wig. Maybe he should just throw it away. It was a stupid idea anyways. It would only get him a couple weeks max before someone noticed and he had to cut his actual hair anyways. Why couldn’t he just fucking have long hair? Why were there rules on how short his hair had to be? Why was Gerard stuck with these stupid rules for boys?
There it was again.
His brain was so stupid. He wasn’t a girl. He didn’t want to be a girl. He was mad because he was a boy with stupid boy rules, but that sounded exactly like someone who wanted to be a girl, and that wasn’t what he was. Who fucking cared if Mikey said that in that wig was the happiest he’d seen Gerard in a while? Who fucking cared if Gerard hated looking in mirrors and hated being in the locker rooms and hated the hair on his legs and hated the way no matter how much he shaved within a few days he had evidence of a beard growing back? No one fucking knew that about him. No one knew that but Ray and Mikey and that was because they fucking lived with him.
Gerard rolled over and dragged his hands over his face. This was so fucking stupid. He just wanted to go to sleep but he was freaking out over his brain convinced that he secretly liked looking like a girl.
The problem was that he really liked having the long haired wig on. He’d really liked it and he didn’t know how to feel about it because it wasn’t like having long hair made you a girl. Plenty of musicians and artists were guys and had long hair. Yet, he knew that this was different somehow, because they liked the novelty of saying that they were guys with long hair. Gerard had looked in that mirror and actually seen himself and liked himself for the first time in years, maybe ever.
Why the fuck did Mikey have to point it out too?
Shit, Gerard needed to sleep.
He turned over, and forcefully put his head down on his pillow, putting one hand below it so he could try and sleep. He had to sleep, there was a test tomorrow. Well, today. It was today, wasn’t it? Jesus, Ray was going to kill him for not sleeping like he’d promised him he would try and do tonight.
Maybe if he stopped beating himself up, he’d be able to sleep.
So, Gerard stopped being mad at himself. It was just stupid fucking thoughts that he barely actually agreed with. He let himself try and sleep and so he didn’t stop his thoughts from straying because that would just lead to him waking up again and then he wouldn’t get to go to sleep, which would be bad.
So he let himself think about if he did have hair going just past his shoulders, let himself think about braiding it, and having a body that he liked enough to actually shower properly and not just stand under the water for a few minutes. He let himself think about wearing makeup and looking like he’d actually slept and looking pretty with it on too. Not looking like a guy wearing makeup, just looking pretty, and maybe a little soft too.
He let themself envision a future where they didn’t hate looking in the mirror because that wasn’t them. A future where Gerard had made peace with his brain and didn’t hate the way he looked, and the way he had to dress. A future where he got to wear the girls uniform with the skirt he found himself envying every other day and made himself stop liking even if it was only for the last few months of school. A future where his hair was grown out as well, and he got to just be.
They let themselves think about the war in their brain stopping, letting it all out, letting the girl inside their soul out and being able to see himself for the first time. Somehow, thinking of that was what helped Gerard finally fall asleep.
xxx
Ray had never seen Gerard look so irritable before. He was normally irritable and generally a little annoyed about things, but this was new. This was straight up pissed off at the world and everything around him. Hell, he wasn't talking to anyone about it, so now Ray was off to find the one other person who would know anything about it, because if he didn't know then Mikey would know. The problem was that didn't mean that Frank also knew and so sometimes talking to Mikey without Frank was difficult especially considering the four of them were each other's only friends, so if Gerard wasn't talking to any of them then naturally the three of them were together.
Luckily for him though, Mikey was sitting outside near a tree reading something, and Frank was in detention again, one of the few times that Ray didn't unintentionally join him. So, he sat next to Mikey.
Unfortunately, Mikey immediately said, “I don't have the answers you're looking for. I don't know what the hell is wrong with him.”
Ray groaned, “Do you at least have a guess so that I can talk to him about it?”
“I mean,” Mikey hesitated, looking out on the field where Gerard was normally playing croquet after school with one of them, but he wasn't out there today.
“Okay, so you do know something.” Ray said, looking at Mikey, who was slowly closing his book and glancing around them.
“Listen, Ray. I know a lot of things about Gerard but I don't know what the fuck he's doing right now. I have 2 guesses, one that I don't think I can tell you, like that would physically break any and all trust that Gerard has in me forever, and the other guess has to do with the fact that the two of you apparently kissed and nothing came out of it.” Mikey said, refusing to meet his eyes.
“Wait, you know about that? He told you?” Ray said, feeling almost confused.
Gerard had told him to drop it after they'd kissed. It had been something small, nothing more than a peck while they were sitting next to each other watching some TV show late at night. He'd wanted to kiss him more, but Gerard often was one to bottle up his feelings so when he'd pulled away, Ray had assumed that Gerard just didn't like him like that, and Gerard didn't want to talk about it.
“Well,” Mikey started again, “He didn't tell me. I made a joke about it and then he asked me how I knew, which I didn't before he reacted like that.”
“I mean, I don't think it could be that. That was ages ago before all this started, before he started being all weird.” Ray said, looking at Mikey who was looking down at the croquet area without Gerard on it.
“I see.” Mikey murmured.
“Does that mean it's the other thing?” Ray asked.
“Probably, but I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to him about that.” Mikey sighed, leaning back against the tree.
“Maybe I can.” Ray said as Mikey shook his head.
“I think he’d kill me if I told anyone. This is something so so different from what he normally tells me, I can’t tell you this. Only he can tell you and even then if it is bothering him, I’m not sure he will tell you. Technically, he hasn’t even told me but I know stuff, and he knows I’ve made like guesses as to whats going on, but he hasn’t directly told me anything.” Mikey spilled out.
Ray nodded slowly, “Is it anything that’ll kill him?”
“Probably not, but I just want to make sure he’s okay, and if he’s not, I want to help him with whatever this is, but I don’t even know how to ask him without getting a fuck you to the face.” Mikey said.
“I mean, has he ever gotten like this before? I mean, I’ve seen him like this before because we’ve been friends for four years now but he always talked to me about it. It’s a bit weird, having him just… refuse to tell me.” Ray admitted.
“I saw him get like this once, I think it might be the same reason, but he just like, shoved it down after a while and just kept living life as if it never happened but I don’t think he was ever the same after that. I don’t know though, it was when he started middle school, but at the time we argued a lot so I don’t know what that was about. It could be the same thing, it could be something different.” Mikey answered.
“Maybe it's just because of change and all that?” Ray suggested. “I know Gerard usually gets weirder when things change.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Mikey murmured, seeming to think. “I’m gonna give him another week, see if he figures this shit out on his own and talks to one of us before I go harass him about it. He’s gotta tell us what’s going on eventually.”
“He has to.” Ray agreed. “Because he’s just looked miserable lately.”
“Well…” Mikey started.
“More miserable than usual.” Ray corrected himself.
“Yeah, he has to tell us.” Mikey repeated, seeming like he was trying to convince himself of that fact. “And, y’know if he doesn’t, we riot and demand he tell us.”
Ray snorted, “Yeah, exactly like that.”
Mikey grinned, and picked back up his book, while Ray watched people play croquet. He didn’t enjoy it much but it was one of the few things they had to do. Damn, he hoped that Gerard was okay.
xxx
There were certain moments in life that Gerard really fucking hated, and this was one of those times. It wasn’t even just life, it was everything hitting him all at once. It was not sleeping, it was the fact that he couldn’t get the weight of it all out of his head, and the fact that no matter what he seemed to do, he always seemed to end up at the same conclusion.
That there was something wrong with him.
Here's the thing, Gerard has known for years that there is inherently something wrong with him. He’s known that since he was a kid. He’s known that since the first time he looked at a boy like he looked at a girl he liked. He’s known that since he started middle school and started growing and changing in ways he hated and had mental breakdowns in his room at night, trying not to let Mikey or his parents know that something was wrong.
Gerard knows something is wrong with him.
It just feels like something he’d been repressing was catching up.
God, how could he be so stupid? He really thought that he’d left all these stupid thoughts behind in middle school after he’d fucking buried them as deep as he could. Yet, they were coming back full force, the thoughts he’d shoved away, and reminding him why it was hell. Memories of stealing his mothers makeup when he was thirteen the night after his father had taught him how to shave, and looking at himself in the mirror, seeing the botched mess he’d made of his face, but feeling alive.
Feeling alive, and looking at himself and actually seeing himself, even if it was just some inner joy coming out. It was immediately washed off his face in the shower with the light turned off as he cried as silently as he could because while the water washed away some of the sound, he would start sobbing if he wasn’t careful. He was still way too loud that night and he wasn’t sure how no one heard him.
Gerard hated being reminded of thirteen, it was one of the worst times of his life, and he’s fairly sure that he never got over it. He’d just forced himself to get over it, ignoring it all, and crushing it all down inside. It had been easier to pretend that it was nothing, and just have this constant mellow sadness with him rather than the panic attacks.
Now, he just remembers.
He just remembers being thirteen and hating himself. Which is really what's happening now again, he’d never gone to his last class today, just walked away and ended up in his dorm. He knew that the moment school was over they were going to send him a note and a detention slip for skipping class, and that Ray was going to find him a wreck on their bathroom floor, staring at the wall and looking like he’d been crying over something that he’d never tell him.
He supposed that he had been crying. He doesn’t like to cry, it makes him feel horrible, and his father had drilled into him that crying isn’t manly and at this point, Gerard isn’t even sure what he thinks about that. He isn’t sure if he wants to stop crying because it isn’t manly or keep crying because it wasn’t like he was anyways, and his father had made him well aware of that. That’s why he and Mikey were here at a boarding school after all.
Gerard is well aware that there is something wrong with him, and it's evident in his life, his actions, and his constant detachment from what he truly looked like. When he stood up and wiped his eyes, turning on the sink and splashing water on his face, trying to make it look like he hadn’t been crying, Gerard caught a look of himself in the mirror, eyes red, and a scratchy look all over his face from the tear stains.
He really was a wreck but only over this one stupid fucking thing.
Gerard was not trans.
He was not one of those transgender people.
He didn't want to be a girl.
He just wanted to be fucking normal, and get these thoughts out of his head.
Yet, it was just memories in his head, playing out, being a little freshman in the dorms with Ray, talking to him about something stupid. Talking to him about how the trans man in their school, talking to Ray about him and agreeing that it was stupid that people were being mean to him, that honestly he was brave for coming out in this hellhole. That people hated him, and those same people would be so fucking awful to him if he ever fucking said anything about being more different than he already was. They'd be so fucking awful, but they couldn't be awful because Gerard wasn't trans. He wasn't a girl. He was a normal fucking person.
Yet, he can't stop seeing her in the mirror. Seeing her looking back and staring at him, a mass that his imagination made up, a mix of thirteen year old him wearing his mother's makeup and him two weeks ago when he'd bought that stupid wig.
He never should've bought it. He never should've cut it up and started doing this stupid plan, but it made a sick part of himself happy, and he knew he liked that it made him happy which is why he was even trying to grow out his hair in the first place. He wasn't supposed to like the hair, it was just something stupid to do with Mikey because he was bored and wanted to hang out with his brother, and maybe just wanted to see what he’d look like with long hair after all these years of having it short when it was long when he was a kid.
He wasn't supposed to be thrown back to being thirteen and hating himself for what he looked like. Back when he knew nothing about what it even could be and back when it was easier to push it down than to ever speak the words aloud.
He felt like he needed to scrub his skin raw from his stupid fucking thoughts but that just meant thinking more and so left the bathroom and climbed up onto his bunk, finding a random CD and putting in his cd player. Putting his ear buds in, he pulled out his sketch book and flipped to an empty page, starting to draw.
He started to draw, sketching out random things, trying to ignore his thoughts, ignoring the faroff sound of people in the hall and the sound of the door opening and Ray coming back in. He ignored how when he drew, he saw himself coming to life on the page, long hair and make-up on, looking almost happy, wearing a thin necklace that actually looked good and didn’t just look like a pathetic attempt to break social norms. There was something about staring at the woman on the page, seeing some sick part of himself come to life. Maybe it wasn’t sick. Maybe he just didn’t want to deal with it here where people would hate him more than they already did.
Whatever song he was listening to had grown quiet and he hadn’t realized so he got surprised when Ray suddenly said, “Hey, Gerard.”
He snapped his head towards Ray, pulling out one of his earbuds when he realized that he was trying to talk to him about something. Probably the fact that he’d skipped class.
“You alright?” Ray asked, from where he was sitting at his desk.
“I’m fine.” Gerard said, something irritated boiling up in his gut. He could barely deal with this alone, and he wasn’t going to try and explain what was going on in his brain to someone else, even if it was Ray because he’d barely be able to understand it. It was bad enough that Mikey was probably going to be able to figure out what was wrong with him, even with Gerard denying it.
It was stupid.
“Are you sure?” Ray asked, turning hesitantly to Gerard.
“I’m fucking fine, Ray.” Gerard said, unintentionally snapping, putting an earbud back in, tuning into whatever new song was playing. He still couldn’t even tell which one of the CD’s he’d burned this was.
Either way, Ray dropped it, seeing that Gerard wasn’t going to give him a straight answer. It was stupid. He needed to stop fixating on this. He wasn’t a girl. His brain had told him a lot of stupid things over the years, and this was just another one of those things.
Yet, he couldn’t deny envying the Girls in class. He couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if he was allowed to wear a skirt and mary janes to class instead of pants and dress shoes. Normally, Gerard did not draw what he was drawing now, normally his subjects were darker, there was more blood. Normally, he did not draw a portrait of a normal girl that looked almost identical to himself. At least what he would like to think that he looked like. God knows he didn’t look in the mirror often enough now or ever frankly to have a clear picture of what he actually looked like down to details.
Gerard closed the sketchbook, and took his earbuds out. He couldn’t concentrate almost fucking anything, and he was getting irritated with himself for thinking like this, for snapping at Ray like that. Every single thing traced back to that lingering realization in the back of his mind. He’d gotten rid of it for years, hidden it away for so long and now he was stuck facing this monster of feelings in the eyes again.
“I’m going to take a shower.” Gerard said, getting up, finding clothes to put on after.
“Okay, hey, Mikey and Frank wanted to know if you were going to be at dinner.” Ray said, basically asking if Gerard was going to be at dinner or if he was going to hole up in the dorm again.
“Probably not.” Gerard answered, grabbing his towel to slip into the bathroom.
“Hey, I-”
“Ray,” Gerard turned to Ray, who granted did have a worried expression on his face, and he knew that Ray was worried about him, he just didn’t want to deal with it, “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine. It’s nothing you can help with.”
“And what if I can?” Ray asked, giving him a look.
“Trust me, Toro. It’s fucking not.” Gerard barked out a laugh that he knew sounded incredibly fake, and slipped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Ray wouldn’t hate him, and Gerard wasn’t even sure why he even thought that because while that was true, Ray wouldn’t hate him if he was trans, Gerard wasn’t and that was a crucial bit in if someone would hate you or not. The rest of the school would hate him, yes, but they already didn’t like him. But he remembered how cruel other people can be and while he can deal with everything now, he’s not sure he’d be able to deal with that. That was an entirely different version of hate.
Gerard turned on the shower and stared at the water, honestly not even actually wanting to get in but he did need to take one, even if he didn’t want to.
He forced himself too, trying not to think too hard when that’s all he’d been doing for quite a few days now. He forced himself to wash his hair, fingers catching on the slowly growing hair. It was stupid that they had rules on how long their hair could be, most schools had gotten rid of that, with the exception of here and they actually enforced it too. Gerard had gotten written up once freshman year for refusing to cut his hair and gotten nasty sneers about the fact that he refused to for almost two weeks after he’d been forced to cut his hair.
It was stupid, the small burst of joy going through his chest at feeling his hair growing longer. It wasn’t like it was for any reason, it was solely to show how stupid the rule was, but that’s why he was going to hide it behind the wig because they could and would force him to cut it. It wasn’t because he wanted his hair just to be longer, although Gerard was well aware this was the second excuse that he’d come up with. He just liked the feeling of longer hair.
He can’t do this much longer, and so he washed the stuff out of his hair and turned off the shower, knowing that by now Ray probably would be gone for dinner. It wasn’t like he went to every meal. This was normal honestly. At least at this point in his life. Gerards probably gone a fair week or so without 3 full meals a day at this point. It’s just because he’s so damn annoyed that this was happening and that his brain was convinced of this all. He just needed to figure out how to repress it again.
As he dried off and looked at himself in the mirror, the thing was half foggy from the steam, but most of it had disappeared because of the fan, he stared, brain nitpicking tiny things. Nitpicking how his shoulders seemed too bony and his frame too boxy. Actually noticing what he looked like had been one of the first things that Gerard had noticed when he was twelve and went to middle school. It had been hell and a half, and every single other boy there could tell that there was something wrong with him.
Hell, Gerard knew it too, and half of them fucking hated him, and then they hated Mikey too, and so as much as they argued, it was easier to hang out in middle school because then at least someone there didn’t truly hate them. He hated that place, and he hated what he looked like then, but staring in the mirror, Gerard almost thought he looked worse now when arguably he looked much better than he ever had. He’d kept growing and standing at the height he was now, he almost wished he was shorter, like in middle school.
Somehow, this older, seventeen year old body was worse than his twelve year old one. Wasn’t it supposed to be the opposite? People always said it was. He knew that Ray liked more what he looked like now compared to Freshman year because he’d seen him get more confident since then. Yet, Gerard honestly couldn’t say he liked the way he looked.
Everything just seemed wrong, awful and distant.
Some part of him knew that it wasn’t normal.
That normal boys liked what they looked like.
This wasn’t something he could ask Ray or Mikey because they’d just get concerned about why he hated himself and he’d have to explain. He’d have to explain that his shoulders were wrong, that the only reason he liked to wear his tie right was because it hid the part of his neck with his adams apple, and that he didn’t like how thin his lips seemed. The only part of himself that he liked was honestly his eyelashes because they were long, and actually noticeable but Gerard knew that wasn’t something that normal people noticed.
This wasn’t normal.
Gerard wasn’t normal. He was well aware of that. Freakishly well aware of that.
The problem was he couldn’t deal with this until after he graduated, after he was out of this hell hole, and then he could fucking deal with this. Figure all this shit out without feeling like he hated himself and everyone would hate him.
Part of him really hoped that he’d end up figuring out that he was just really fucking depressed, and that he was desperate for a change just to feel better. Another part, some deep dark pit in his brain that he’d tried to smash to pieces years ago and had been rebuilding over the past week, told him that he was lying to himself, that he was lying to everyone around him, and that he really was a girl deep inside.
Honestly, maybe Gerard should put his damn shirt on and stop staring at the mirror in a mix of disgust and apathy. This wasn’t a normal fucking thing.
So, he snapped himself out of his thoughts, and pulled his clothes on because honestly, he’d spent so long staring at himself that he was half-convinced that he’d completely dried off by that time. He ran the towel over his hair, letting it try and soak up the water.
A passing thought made him pause.
What if he asked someone to use different pronouns?
His heart hammered at the idea, staring into the mirror again, hoodie hanging on his shoulders rather than seeing his pale chest. He wasn’t Trans, and if he really wasn’t, despite all these thoughts and feelings and hate for himself, then it wouldn’t mean anything. He couldn’t just ask anyone about that. That was personal, that could make someone hate him for life, but if he asked Mikey or maybe just Ray…
And, what if… what if she did?
What if Gerard did look in that mirror, and hear those words, and start crying?
“That’s fucking stupid.” Gerard muttered to himself, putting his towel up and unlocking the bathroom door, going back out into the dorm.
He ran his hand through his hair, trying his best to style it before deciding that he needed to cave, and that he was stressed enough that he needed to just smoke. The light outside was dim, and so somehow without him realizing, it had become sunset. That wasn’t really all that surprising, the further they got into the semester, the sooner sunset happened, and he needed to properly think. Not all this angsty shit.
Staring out into the natural world, outside, and thinking through every possible scenario. Good and Bad. Gerard reached under his mattress, digging around until he found the thing he was looking for and pulled it out, grabbing the lighter he had from his bottom desk drawer. He wasn’t stupid enough to keep both of them in the same place. He’d told Mikey weeks ago that he quit, and he had but he needed to think. Sit and truly think. Not beating himself up and running into every ounce of paranoia that he had type of think.
Lifting up the window, he crawled out onto the roof. He and Ray were in a really weird dorm this year, the turn of the hallway made it so there was a small slanted roof with their dorm and a few other dorms up here but as far as he was aware, he was the only one ever out here, and no one had ever caught him smoking yet, so that was a huge plus.
Sitting down, he closed the window almost all the way so he could still get back in without bothering Ray and also not let smoke into the room because then they’d both get into trouble and Gerard couldn’t do that to him, not while he was acting like a bitch. He fished out one of the cigarettes, and lit it, cupping the flame with his hand.
Taking a drag, Gerard stared at the forest at the edge of the property.
He needed to take an approach to this that he didn’t normally take, a factual list of experiences that affected him and whatever was wrong with him, because it was becoming more and more apparent that it wasn’t just because he happened to like men as well. There may be something else wrong with him.
Gerard wasn’t even sure if he had a concept of gender when he was a kid, in kindergarten, until she moved, one of his best friends was a girl who cut her hair off during recess and was still friends with him. He had his hair shoulder length or longer for most of his childhood because he would throw tantrums at barbers until around third grade when his father had decided that it should be shorter and he looked almost like he was in the military with the short hair he had until he complained and when he went into middle school he was allowed to grow his hair for a bit until he cut it off in a mental breakdown.
He had several mental breakdowns when he was thirteen because of the way he looked and the things that were changing because of puberty. The last time he truly felt like himself before putting a wig on that made him look like a girl was when he’d put on make-up from his mothers bathroom, and felt pretty. He wanted to be pretty. When he was a kid and his mom would paint her nails, he would insist on her painting his as well, and it wasn’t like they had a sister and Mom had wanted a girl so she would. Maybe that’s why his father had a small resentment towards him because he did shit like that as a kid.
His first interaction with a trans person had been that senior, in freshman year, and the boy talking to him like he was still learning. Gerard supposed that he was, even now. Actually it might be worse now because he had to figure out all this shit on his own without anyone to ask and nothing to consult but his own mind. Ray had liked the boy though, defended him in quiet. Gerard would never lose him if he was more different than he thought. The boy, god, Gerard can’t even remember his name at this point, but he’d been unfailingly nice at the question that Gerard asked even if he knew looking back that may not have been a good idea.
“Why are you a transgender?”
“Because I’m happier this way.”
That had been the only answer he got, and Gerard had respected it. It just sucked that no one else did. Well, Ray had, but then the senior left the school and Gerard had kept everything shoved down. It was a miracle that it took him this long to even think that that small conversation might’ve made something click in the very far depths of his mind. It wasn’t like people liked him anyways, so he was used to being miserable, he’d just never made the connection that this might be the reason.
Gerard had stolen a skirt from the theater once, put it on as a joke, intending to go show it to Ray as a joke, and found himself falling in love with it in the mirror and it was hidden in his middle dresser drawer behind the shorts his parents made him bring that he never wore. He snuck it in and out of his luggage every year, sometimes just staring at it, wondering what it would be like to wear it again. He almost wished that he had a dress after trying it on for the first time.
He had a thing of eyeliner that he insisted was just for halloween but on bad days, he put a thin line that no one could see but him on and it made him feel better about life. Sometimes he stared at the makeup sections of the CVS and wondered what it would be like to wear it again, before getting dragged off by Ray or Mikey or whoever he was with.
Gerard was snapped out of his thoughts by the window opening behind him, and someone shuffling around. He took a drag of the cigarette and glanced to his right to see Mikey making his way out of the window, clearly having been let into his room by Ray. He should apologize to Ray after this and try to explain it all to him, even if it would make no sense.
“I thought you quit.” Mikey said, as he carefully closed the window behind him.
“Well, I did, and then I didn’t.” Gerard muttered.
“You shouldn’t smoke on an empty stomach.” Mikey said, holding out a small box of food for him. That wasn’t how cigarettes worked.
Gerard did take it but glanced at Mikey and asked, “You do know how cigarettes work, right?
“Just eat the damn food, Gerard.” Mikey said, rolling his eyes.
Gerard snorted but put out the cigarette on the roof, letting it lay there, and opening the box. It wasn’t a lot of food, evident of how well his brother knew him, knowing that Gerard would refuse to eat a full meal but might eat a small portion being offered to him. Then, they’d talk, Gerard would realize he was hungry and then it would be revealed that there was more food in case that happened.
“I’m sorry for being such a bitch lately.” Gerard said, picking up the fork, and grimacing at the texture on it, finding the napkin and wiping it off.
“First off, you’re always a bitch, and second, It’s fine, I just want you to talk about it instead of moping around and being all depressed when you have friends to talk to.” Mikey snorted, as Gerard took a bite of whatever the hell this was.
It tasted like shit, but Gerard knew that was mostly due to the fact that he had just been smoking, something he shouldn’t have been doing, but he didn’t care enough.
He ate a few bites before Mikey asked, “What made you pick one up?”
“Thinking too hard, I’ve been thinking way too much lately, too emotionally, and like- really irrationally. I think I spent like 20 minutes staring in the mirror earlier realizing that I needed to stop because I was either going to spiral into wanting to kill myself or start repressing shit again which is a much easier solution. I just- I needed to logic it out and I couldn’t concentrate on anything.” Gerard admitted, taking another bite. It definitely didn’t taste like shit just because of the cigarette. This just tasted like shit. “Are these your leftovers?”
“Yes, oh my god, dinner tasted like shit tonight.” Mikey groaned. “I managed to get out of eating most of it because I said I was going to bring it up to you.”
“Yeah, I thought that it tasted like this because I was smoking, but this just- this just tastes like shit.” Gerard half-laughed, yet took another bite to satisfy his brother.
“It definitely does.” Mikey agreed.
There was silence while Mikey looked up at the stars that had started appearing and Gerard set the food down after another few bites, holding his knees as he looked out at the practically gone daylight. The sunset had looked nice and the cool breeze reminded him that autumn had been here for a bit now.
“So, what’s been going on?” Mikey asked.
Gerard mulled over what to say for a moment, thinking if he should deflect. He knew that Mikey would harass him about it later no matter the answer and he should say something. Yet, he could feel his heart begin to race at the idea of actually facing this feeling, this feeling of living in the wrong world, in the wrong body, and under the wrong identity. There had to be a way to see if the way he was feeling was just normal and he was being dramatic.
“Do you ever feel like… do you ever look at yourself and just, like, hate your body?” Gerard asked, not wanting to look Mikey in the eyes.
“I mean, maybe like in middle school or freshman year.” Mikey replied. Not the answer he really wanted.
“But you like your body now compared to then?” Gerard asked, wishing he never put out that cigarette.
“I mean, it’s fine, I like how I look, I don’t mind much, but I don’t hate it like I did in middle school.” Mikey answered, and he could hear the confusion in Mikey's voice while Gerard nodded his head. “Why? Do you?”
“I think- people always say that you just hate the way you look in middle school ‘cause everyone does and I was- I was thinking today, and- I think I just hate myself more. I grew, sure, don’t look like a freaky gangly thing, and I look like a normal person, but I- I don’t like it. It’s worse somehow. I look worse.” Gerard admitted.
“I think if we didn’t go to this school, you’d have people that liked you. I know Ray does.” Mikey said, a half grin in his voice.
Gerard rolled his eyes and he felt like he couldn’t speak, “It’s not like that, Mikey.”
Even if he wished it was, he'd told Ray that it wasn't a good idea because he couldn't be with him like this. With something like this just hiding from Ray when he had never known this despite living with Gerard for the last four years.
“I figured.” Mikey said. “Ray wanted to know what was wrong with you. He's really worried, so I told him my guesses, except this one though. I figured you’d kill me if I did that.”
“I wouldn’t kill you. I might be really fucking pissed off, and never tell you another secret ever again, but I wouldn’t kill you.” Gerard said, pausing for a few moments, trying to process what he should tell Mikey. “The wig wasn’t supposed to mean anything. I thought it was stupid and just wanted to see what I looked like. Then- then, it looked nice.”
A pause before Mikey asked, “So, are you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe but this isn’t the place for that.” Gerard said.
“People already hate you.” Mikey offered.
“Thanks so much, Mikey.” Gerard said sarcastically. “You’re so helpful.”
“I mean, they already do. What is one more thing about you going to change?” Mikey asked.
“You weren’t there. They become a new type of awful. God, Me and Rays freshman year, there was this guy, he came out and all that, tried to transition or whatever and they were just fucking awful to him. It’s genuinely so, so different to what this type of awful is. People don’t harass you to your face like this.” Gerard said. “I don’t know if I want to figure this out before I graduate because that would mean facing them.”
There was silence before Mikey said, “I saw you putting on moms makeup when you were thirteen.”
Gerard snapped his head towards Mikey, “You saw that?”
“Yeah,” Mikey wouldn’t meet his eyes, “I didn’t want to say anything though because then I could hear you crying in the shower.”
Gerard stared at Mikey, that had been one of his best kept secrets for years. He’d really thought that he was crying quietly but apparently he had been crying loud enough that Mikey knew he was crying, and why he was crying.
“Why didn’t you say anything when I bought the wig?” Gerard asked.
“Because, I didn’t remember at the time. I mostly forgot about it because you forced yourself out of whatever was going on, and so I thought that things were back to normal. Which I guess isn't true anymore. I was a stupid eleven year old.” Mikey said.
“You’re fucking weird, Mikey.” Gerard muttered and looked back out at the horizon. The sun had basically abandoned them.
“Not as weird as you.” Mikey said. “You don’t gotta figure this shit out right now, but stop being an outcast and hiding from your friends. It’s freaking Ray the fuck out.”
“Is it? Shit.” Gerard groaned, running a hand over his face. He really hadn't meant to make Ray upset. He didn't like making Ray upset.
“Yeah.” Mikey said.
Gerard stared ahead, debating the consequences of it all and then said, “Mikey, I need you to do something. I need you to not ask questions, and never tell a soul about this if nothing comes of it, and never ever mention this to our parents.”
“Okay.” Mikey said.
“I need you to just talk, just talk about me, and- and-” He couldn’t force out the words, but Mikey snorted, seemingly understanding in an instant anyways.
“Cool, okay, so this is my sister, Gerard. She’s really fucking stupid sometimes and she refuses to ask for help when she needs it and it scares the shit out of her friends, but I’ll help her anyways because I’m a wonderful brother like that, and she’s cool even though she’s stupid as fuck. I think that she and Ray are both secretly really in love with each other and refuse to admit it but I can't force her to admit her feelings. Either way, she can still be really stu- are you crying?” Mikey said, stopping suddenly.
“Sorry.” Gerard managed, wiping his eyes with his hoodie sleeve.
This was stupid. He’d told himself that this was going to happen if he asked someone to do this, and he had been right because it felt nice. It felt nice, and he’d never felt more like he was an actual human being and Gerard never wanted it to stop, but this wasn’t the place to be trans. She’d- he’d seen how it ended for that senior, he wasn’t allowed to wear the pants despite it all, still had to follow all the rules for girls, and he’d watched him nearly have a mental breakdown one day before moving schools mid-year.
“No, no- it's fine?” Mikey said, hesitantly, almost like he'd done something wrong.
“This is stupid.” Gerard barked out. “I can't- I can't do shit- and I think this is the second time I've cried today. I feel all over the place.”
“Well, happy or sad crying?” Mikey asked, waiting for the penultimate answer.
There was silence for what felt like ages and Gerard wished that his hair hid her face so that she wouldn't have to have her expression shown to Mikey. Maybe this could be the one thing he had- she had in private, just amongst her friends. No one else had to know. Just years of repression building up and being let out in one simple phrase.
“Happy.” Gerard said softly. “This time at least.”
If Mikey nodded, she didn't see it, and there was something that she didn't recognize, fluttering around her gut, maybe something almost like giddiness. Like she'd finally found something that made her happy. Like this is what had been wrong the entire time. She’d spent years denying it only for it to be true and for her to actually like it, and maybe Gerard could be happy this way.
“You got a name?” Mikey asked.
“Mikey, I barely let myself acknowledge that this is a small private thing I can have with my friends right now, and have spent the last two weeks beating myself up over it.” Gerard deadpanned.
Mikey snorted, “Yeah, I guess that's true, and years of repression-”
“I’m going back in, you’re being fucking annoying now.” Gerard muttered, which made Mikey laugh again as he- she lifted up the window. Was it possible to misgender herself? She guessed it was also something that she was getting used to. It had been like, what two minutes since she'd actually admitted it to herself even if it had been something lingering in the back of her mind forever and ever.
Gerard crawled back in the window and saw Ray pretending like he was working on something while Frank also sat in their room, not even pretending that he was doing something, clearly just waiting for whatever the answer was. Gerard wasn't sure what to make of Frank sometimes, but Mikey was pretty good friends with him so she'd been fine with him being around. He was nice enough and She was pretty sure she'd seen him drink chemicals once and be fine.
“You could at least pretend like you weren't listening.” Gerard noted, half praying that Frank hadn't been listening, dropping the lighter in her desk drawer and going to put the cigarettes under her mattress again.
“Ah, no. I'll be taking those.” Mikey said, snatching the pack out of her hand, presumably to dispose of later.
“I wasn't listening.” Frank denied.
“Uh-huh.” Gerard said, shutting the window before the smell of old cigarette smoke could make its way inside.
“I really wasn't. I was just here to also see if you were okay.” Frank said.
“Well, I'm fine.” Gerard said, catching the frown on Ray's face that told him that he knew that she was lying. “Fine enough.”
Frank looked at Mikey who shrugged, and said, “Gerard will talk eventually, it's not anything you need to worry about. C'mon, Frank.”
Frank protested, but Mikey left, apparently satisfied with the conversation and getting Gerard to talk to him. Gerard climbed up onto her bed, and sat down, half hating the fact that she'd caved and smoked a bit because now her hands itched to hold one again, but that was fixable by just grabbing her sketchbook again, and opening to the page that she'd been on before all this. She looked like him. Well, she looked like her, she supposed. This was weird, even in her internal dialogue, it sent another shot of giddiness through her.
“I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier.” Gerard said before Ray asked about what she and Mikey talked about.
“Just, let me be worried for you, Gerard.” Ray sighed, turning in his chair to look at her. “You’ve been my best friend all throughout high school, and literally, two weeks ago, out of the blue, you got really weird and refused to talk to anyone, and I am worried for you. I'm worried something happened or that I did something wrong-”
“Ray, You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not something to be worried about.” She said, softly, turning to look at Ray, so that they were facing each other head on, even if Ray was at his desk, and Gerard was on her bed. She needed to try and explain this to him. “It’s… just something that built up, and I kept denying it and thinking that I was going insane over something that everyone felt when it turns out that this isn't normal and I am in fact the odd one out and that crushing down misery builds up.”
“Crushing down misery?” Ray repeated, looking at her with a raised brow.
“I- I’ve basically been in denial that I was trans since I was like twelve,” She admitted, looking down and away from Ray, “And it just got really obvious recently even though I’ve been repressing it ‘cause I thought it would be a great idea to wear a wig and Mikey was there when that happened, so he knows, and even then, I've barely admitted to myself. I don't think I could ever come out to anyone here except you, Mikey, and like Frank, just like a small thing between us because I don't think I could deal with them.” She knew that logically, it would be fine, Ray was her best friend of like four years and they’d kissed like once before. Which they should still talk about, but that wasn't a conversation for now.
“Gerard, you do know, I’m trans, right?” Ray said.
Gerard blinked, looking at Ray who was looking at her almost confused, like he couldn't understand why Gerard would ever be worried about saying this to Ray, or talking about feeling like she hated herself and what she looked like.
“What?” Gerard asked, fully processing what Ray had said.
“Yeah, I'm-” Ray pointed to himself, “I'm trans. You know that right? I told you that, right?”
“No, no, you never told me that.” Gerard said, half panicking that she'd been misgendering Ray the entire time that they'd known each other.
“Yeah, I am.” Ray said. “Have been for like, years, which is why I'm actually allowed in the boys uniform and the boys dorms ‘cause all my legal stuff is updated.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that.” Gerard said, looking at Ray.
“Yeah, I… I really thought I told you that.” Ray half-laughed, almost awkward because this was a little awkward. Gerard had barely accepted that she was trans and Ray had thought that she knew that he was trans the entire time. She wasn’t sure that would’ve changed anything though. “So, uh, She and her and all that?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Gerard said. “That’s kinda what I was talking to Mikey about. I don't know- it's complicated. I was in denial for years and then I- I decided I get to have one nice thing between me and my friends rather than telling everyone else at school, y'know?”
“Yeah, I get how you feel.” Ray smiled softly, seeming much calmer now that he knew what was going on and that Gerard truly was okay, and she’d just been in denial over things. “Do you need help with names?”
“No, I'll figure that out later.” Gerard said, dismissively. Honestly, her name was fine, but she'd never felt too attached to it. Maybe a better one would show up, but she was fine with waiting.
“That's fine.” Ray said. “You don't have to tell me all the details, I'm sure I'd probably get it more than Mikey though.”
Gerard snorted, and picked at the sketchbook, “Probably. When you were a kid, did you ever hate your parents trying to mess with your hair?”
Ray nodded, “I didn't really like it. It was more curly at the time, but they never really cut it, so it just kept growing but I didn't like it, and when I was like five, I found a pair of scissors and cut off my hair. I got short haircuts after that. I think it would be nice to try growing my hair out again, just differently, y’know?”
“Yeah.” Gerard smiled softly, faintly a girl he’d been friends with who’d done something like that before she moved away.
“You ever deal with that?” Ray asked.
“Oh, yeah. I had my hair long for a while because I would cry when I got my hair cut when I was a kid.” Gerard snorted. “I hated it and would throw tantrums. One of the times though, my Dad just made me cut my hair and I don’t know, I guess I gave up caring after that because it wasn’t worth it.”
“And now you’re secretly growing out your hair to look like a rockstar.” Ray said, half a grin on his face because he knew the truth. He understood even if a bit differently.
“Well… that’s what I was telling myself.” Gerard said, “But, we both know that's not true.”
Ray turned back to his desk as he said, “Yeah, when I was a kid, apparently I told my mom that I wanted to look like Dad and she was very, very confused for a while until I finally figured out the right words for it.”
“Interesting.” Gerard murmured. “I don't know why I never knew this.”
“I seriously thought I told you.” Ray admitted.
“It's alright.” She said.
“Would you have been more accepting of yourself if you did know?” Ray asked, silence stretching out into the room.
Part of her wanted to say yes, but others didn't know. This was something that was just another part of Ray, but one that others didn't know.
“I don't think so.” Gerard admitted quietly, pulling her legs up to her chest and holding them. “Freshman year still happened and that- that really made me push it down, further than I had in 8th grade, and really all of middle school. If that didn’t happen, I think I would’ve tried to figure it out sooner, I don’t know, be more willing to figure it out.”
Ray nodded, “Yeah, they really were awful to him. That doesn't have to happen to you.”
“I know, just a little thing between the four of us. Nothing anyone else needs to know.” Gerard said.
“You happy?” Ray asked, looking her in the eye.
“Happier, yes.” Gerard agreed. “Sorry again for being a bitch the last two weeks.”
“It's fine. Things happen.” Ray shrugged. “Trust me, I do not blame you.”
She looked away from Ray and back down at her sketchbook, seeing herself on the page. One small private thing between herself and her friends. She was allowed to have that. No one else had to know, and no one else would ever have to until she let them. Gerard was trans, and she was a girl despite the attempts at repressing it and pushing it down for years. It wasn't normal for boys to like wearing skirts that much, but it was okay. It was okay, and Ray and Mikey knew. They knew and She knew, and that was good enough for her.