My Future

by IAmMOC

Summary:

"As it is, we don't know an awful lot about werewolves. Lots of them die within ten years of being turned, either by their own doing or by the transformations. The body of a werewolf gets torn apart during the transformation, you see. A lot of their bodies just.. give out, after a few years." The class was silent for a bit, Coates sweeping his gaze across the room.

"Ah well, I guess you could say that it's almost a self-solving problem, like that," Coates mused thoughtfully, seeming lost in thought. Remus could feel the shocked horror from his friends and wished the professor would stop there, but of course the man had to go on.

-

OR: It's near the end of their third year when the Marauders get their first lesson on werewolves. Hearing about the terrible, short future most werewolves have, James, Peter and Sirius do not find this okay. At all. Remus wishes they would just accept it.

Notes:

Hi, for if you didn't read the tags: this has brief mentions of suicide

Remus was nearly at the end of his third year at Hogwarts when the lesson he'd been dreading came along.

He'd already known the topic would be covered somewhere around this time, yet he'd never managed to get himself ready for it. His defense against the dark arts professor was also unaware of Remus's conflict with the topic, which ensured it would not be brushed over or told anyway else than all the books said.

The topic? Werewolves. Of course.

Professor Coates stood with his back to the class, the chalk squeaking as he wrote on the blackboard, in bold notable letters: werewolves. Murmurs sounded in the classroom, friends whispering to each other as pages turned to the first page about werewolves. Remus did so too, not wanting to act differently than he usually did.

His friends looked at him worriedly, knowing of his lycanthropy and his anxiety when werewolves were brought up. Remus knew it would be fine, though. He'd been lying his whole life, he knew no one would be able to tell that the lesson bothered him. Still, he also knew this would be an uncomfortable lesson. Listening to his teacher and classmates talk about werewolves, how they should all be put down, how they were inhumane and soulless.

But Remus was no stranger to such talk. He knew how to handle it, knew not to let it get to him too much. Parts of it were true, anyway. He wasn't human, and he was dangerous. But was he really deserving of death? Sometimes, when his friends looked at him particularly fondly, he didn't think so, but other times, when he'd snap at his friends and make them frown, he wasn't so sure. He'd hurt his friends plenty of times.. and sure, they had hurt him too, but that was different. He wasn't allowed to be mad at them, he thought. Not when they still loved him even though he was a monster. He owed them.

"Good afternoon, class. Please take a look at page 394 in your books." Professor Coates smiled pleasantly. For him it was just another subject to be taught, just another class.

Remus had already opened his book to the correct page, but he hadn't really looked at it yet, too lost in thought. He couldn't help but stiffen ever so slightly at the large picture of a werewolf on the paper. It was magicked, of course, and the wolf bared its teeth before pacing around and howling at the full moon pictured in the right corner.

Peter, who was seated next to him, put a hand on Remus's arm. Remus smiled faintly at him, shaking his head and mouthing 'it's fine'. He didn't want his friends to attract any unwanted attention toward him right now.

Peter looked hesitant, then nodded and turned his gaze back to Coates, who had finished jotting down the chapter and pages on werewolves. "Right, who can tell me something about werewolves?" he asked. A few hands shot up. Remus's did too, though he hoped he wouldn't be called on. He simply didn't want anyone to notice that this was the only lesson he didn't put his hand up.

Thankfully, Coates called on Ava Reeves, a girl from Hufflepuff. "Humans cursed with lycanthropy are called werewolves. They turn into a wolf, a bigger and stronger one than typical, on the full moon, and when they bite someone, the victim gets cursed, too. Oftentimes, the victims don't survive the vicious attacks. Werewolves are five X rated beasts, according to the ministry of magic, who wants them to register themselves."

Reeves was smart and objective, which was undoubtedly nice. She didn't truly slander werewolves. Alas, Remus knew that was still coming. 

"Very good! 5 points to Hufflepuff. Does anyone know how the registry works, and why the ministry made this system?"

Todd Barlow answered, a Gryffindor. "Because werewolves aren't ever fully human and are still beasts, even when in human form. The ministry wants to monitor them, to keep them from hurting anyone. When they register, they won't be allowed to be among humans, or at least not much. And when they don't register they can get executed or sent to a werewolf camp."

Remus could feel Peter shaking next to him. He understood, but Remus just let the words wash over him. It wasn't anything he hadn't heard before. So he dutifully took notes and occasionally put his hand up, praying he wouldn't get called on. He thankfully didn't, and the lesson dragged by as Coates told them about werewolves more in depth than the book did.

It was at a certain subject that Remus could feel his friends's worried eyes on him.

"There are a lot of unregistered werewolves. Some will never be found, but some get discovered when they try to appear regularly. At the end of the day, a beast stays a beast. Still, it is suspected that there are some werewolves who have lived among us without us ever finding out. Just a few years ago, a woman was found deceased in her apartment. She'd killed herself with a poison, but for months, no one knew what it was. Later, it was discovered to have been liquid silver. The woman had been a werewolf." Coates told them. Remus had heard the story before, from his father.

"It checked out. It is definitely not unheard of. Werewolves committing suicide, that is. The biggest percentage of werewolves die by their own hands, perhaps unable to live with themselves, though that would suggest a sliver of humanity left in them. As it is, we don't know an awful lot about werewolves. Lots of them die within ten years of being turned, either by their own doing or by the transformations. The body of a werewolf gets torn apart during the transformation, you see. A lot of their bodies just.. give out, after a few years." The class was silent for a bit, Coates sweeping his gaze across the room.

"Ah well, I guess you could say that it's almost a self-solving problem, like that," Coates mused thoughtfully, seeming lost in thought. Remus could feel the shocked horror from his friends and wished the professor would stop there, but of course the man had to go on.

"Still, they don't die quickly enough. In their lycanthropic time, they've often already turned a few people, and so the cycle continues." Remus could feel the horror radiating off his friends intensify and resisted the urge to groan. They never liked hearing him talk about his possibly short lifespan. Hearing it from a professor would surely upset them.

"In any case," professor Coates continued. "this means that there haven't been a lot of experiments and studies on werewolves. Not that any werewolf would want to." He continued his lecture, ending the lesson by giving them an essay on werewolves as homework. He told them some things they'd need to know for the test, too, and Remus wrote it down with a shaky hand.

Know for test:
-How to recognize a werewolf
-How to report a werewolf
-How to kill a werewolf (human and wolf form)
-What parts of a werewolf are valuable
-How does the werewolf registry work

At least he wouldn't have to study for it.

He already knew all of it.

---

"A self-solving problem? How- I'll kill the fucker, I swear it. I'll- I'll chop his bollocks off, or something!" James was ranting about the lesson, which had been expected, but it still caused a headache to form behind Remus's forehead.

"Prongs, any teacher would've taught about werewolves like that! You weren't complaining when Coates did that lesson on vampires and hags. He was just as negative about them as he was about werewolves." They were in their dorm and could speak freely about the topic, but Remus's voice was quiet anyway.

The lesson had bothered him and it had hurt to hear his professor say such things, but it wasn't Coates's fault. Of course it wasn't. If Coates had known about his lycanthropy and would have said those things still, Remus still would not have blamed him.

"I don't care about vampires and hags!" James exclaimed, and Remus rolled his eyes, turning back to his transfiguration essay. Peter and Sirius had both been quiet, and Remus hoped James would stop complaining if no one reacted anymore.

James continued, though, but eventually his voice softened. It wavered, but not with anger.

"And you're not allowed to die, alright, Moons? Coates doesn't know what he's talking about, you'll outlive us."

"James.."

Remus could hear his friend's anxiety, his fear and his sorrow, but he didn't know what to say. He wanted to comfort James, but what good would that do? It'd be a lie. He didn't think he would kill himself, but to be truthful, it wasn't like he hadn't thought about it before. Only briefly, sure, but still. And if he'd die on a full moon... he had no control over that, and realistically, it could happen every month.

"No, he's right. You're not going to bloody die." Sirius cut in brashly, and Remus sighed.

"You're not going to.. to.. y'know.. right?" Peter had pulled his knees up to his chest from where he sat on James's bed, looking at Remus from behind them with large, caring eyes.

Remus scoffed. "What, kill myself?" His three friends flinched and Remus laughed bitterly. "No, I don't think so. But I can't control how full moons go, and I don't want you to tell yourselves I'll always be here. Maybe I will die," when James and Sirius tried to say something at this, Remus ignored them and continued. "No, I've already told you this, and you never wanted to accept it, but it's just the truth and eventually you'll have to."

"We'll think of something to help with the full moons! We already told you we would!" James said, sounding stricken yet also determined.

Remus shook his head at his friend's stubbornness. "Some of the best wizards in history have tried, and none of them succeeded. There is no cure, James." As an afterthought, he added, "Except for silver."

"Don't say that. And I'm not necessarily talking about a cure, am I?" James was grinning mischievously. "Yeah, what if you still transform, but the wolf isn't too... aggressive?" Sirius was grinning, too.

Remus shook his head again, his heart warming at his friends' eagerness to help, but knowing it was fruitless. "Again, that is impossible." he raised his eyebrows. "Unless you're suggesting to set me free so I'll hurt humans instead of myself."

Peter squeaked. "No, of course not!"

"But what if you're distracted, or something? What if you can claw at something that looks human?" James suggested, but Remus's stomach churned at the idea. He would hate attacking anything that even hinted at being alive, but he supposed it would be better than tearing himself apart.

But... "How would you even go about making something like that?" Remus questioned, studying James, who rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well..." he began, but Remus cut him off before he could make a useless attempt.

"It would need to smell human, too, and it would need to have something in it, something that tastes and feels like blood. Otherwise, the wolf would just get even angrier, having gone through all that trouble without getting something for it. The same thing happens when it tears through the sofa in the shack. So, where exactly are you getting that much blood for each full moon?"

James groaned, throwing his arms up. "Alright, alright! So that won't work, but something will, and I'm gonna find it!"

Remus allowed himself a small smile. 

He was very aware the idea of him dying upset his friends—the idea of any of them dying made him sick to his stomach, too— but Remus had already accepted it, by now. It made his stomach flutter, though, to see his friends care. He hadn't ever imagined he'd get friends like them... 

Nevertheless, he did hope they would accept Remus's future before his final full moon would inevitably arrive.

---

Later that evening, Sirius sat down next to him whilst James and Peter were brushing their teeth.

"We will, y'know." he said, and Remus looked at him, confused. "Think of something to help you." Remus started to protest, but Sirius shushed him. "No, I will! I'm not going to let you die, not ever." Sirius's eyes were wet when he met Remus's stubbornly.

Suddenly, Remus hoped he would die after Hogwarts. By that time, he would probably be less close to his friends. After all, they probably wouldn't stick around that long. Not when school wasn't there to keep them together.

When he'd die then, his friends would mourn him less. It would hurt less for them. Because it seemed like they weren't even close to accepting Remus's fate. Sirius wasn't, at least.

But he didn't want to argue about it again, and Sirius looked so sincere, so scared.

"Alright." Remus whispered. Lied.

---

He ended up outliving them all, desperately wishing he hadn't.

Notes:

Yes, the title is from the Billie Eilish song bc I love her and also couldn't come up with anything else