Chapter Text
Felix woke up to the sound of knocking. It was persistent, yet slow and deliberate. He heard them at the other side of the door.
Felix got up and opened the door. „I swear, if this is about rent-" His eyes fell on someone he didn't expect to see.
The short hair, dark, teared-up eyes were unmistakable. The question was what the fuck happened to her face. Her nose was bleeding, her lip was busted, and there was a red patch on her cheek, slowly turning into a bruise.
„H-hey... Felix? Sorry to wake you, I do- don't know why i even came he- here. Ss...sorry...I'm sorry..." Christine put on a tired, broken smile, tears spilling on her cheeks. She sobbed, her voice raw, and Felix pulled her into a hug, not caring whenether he got blood on his clothes.
He knew who was behind this. He knew that... fuckass was responsible. His heart broke with every pained sound Christine made, yet getting filled with more and more rage.
„Shh... It's okay Chrissy... It's alright... Come in...“ He gently led her into his apartment. She sat down on the couch, still crying. He brought her some tissues and let her hold it to her nose. She was still muttering sorry all over again. It was almost unbearable to watch.
He went into the bathroom for some bandages and disinfectant. He came back and grabbed one of the tissues, soaking it with the disinfectant.
„This'll sting, be prepared...“
„I know....“ he voice sounded defeated.
„... He did this, am I right?" Jax asked quietly, watching her lip quiver as he cleaned it. „Don't say anything, nod or shake your head..."
Christine slowly nodded, tears welling up again. Jax put a small band-aid on her lip, then he went to the freezer and found a drink he saved for later. He gave it to Christine to cool down her cheek.
„H-he got angry... He accused me of cheati...cheating. It's cause I've been 'gone for so long'..."
Felix felt his curiosity gnaw at him. „You were...gone? What happened?"
Christine chuckled. „You'd never believe me. Nobody would. I was missing a few months...though it felt like years...“
Felix felt a pang in his stomach. This...was oddly similar to what Felix went through. He started to feel warm, tingly buzzing in his heart. Hope.
„I went missing too...a few years back,“ he looked away and contemplated. He then decided to test the waters. „I was stuck in a place that seemingly had no escape. But I managed to get out. Me and... some of the people I got to know there. Others...weren't so lucky...“
He felt himself slipping back to that awful place. World was one big TV show and a purple rabbit watched it from his room, clutching the bowtie left by the only person that seemingly didn't care enough to stay with him, no matter how much he loved him. He saw Christine's expression change, but it was like he couldn't focus on it - all he saw was the black abstracted shape and thousands of eyes with vibrant colours staring at him.
„How odd... Me t-“ Christine stopped mid-sentence. She put the cold drink down and stared into the air as if thinking. When she looked back, her eyes were full of emotions - hope, sadness, joy, fright. It made Felix snap back to reality. He stared into those deep brown eyes, until he realized the truth that had been with them the whole time.
„...Jax?“ she spoke softly, cupping his face with her hands.
„...Pomni?“ he asked back, a smile forming on his face as he shivered slightly at the touch of her cold hands. He cupped one side of her face, the side that wasn't hurt.
„Jax!“ Christine crashed into his arms.
„Don't be so formal, call me Felix...“ he exhaled shakily, gripping her shirt like she could dissolve in any minute. He felt her crying on his shoulder.
„Mmh-hm, Felix. I thought I lost all of you... I was worried you weren't even alive,“ Christine sniffled.
„I was worried too... God... I was worried...“ He wrapped his arms around her tight, feeling tears spill over his eyes. He felt so relieved and happy that he stumbled upon something familiar, better yet, upon Pomni. She was his friend, even though he refused to accept it at first. But he needed her more than she needed him. In any given circumstance.
He felt her tears soaking his T-shirt. They sat there, crying in silence, so much to unpack in between them. Christine spoke after a minute.
„I.... I'm glad I came... After all... that happened with me and...stuff...“ she lifted her head to speak, her voice heavy with guilt.
Felix pulled away, taking her face into his palms. „It's not your fault,“ he said, his tone flat, because he was just stating facts.
Christine looked away. „I know...“
„It's not your fault.“
„You just said that.“
„I don't think you fully believe it yet,“ he gently hugged Christine. „It's not your fault.“
Christine was silent. She didn't even cry anymore.
„Want to send him into a virtual digital circus game where he turns into a cat and eventually loses his mind?“
She chuckled and sniffled. „Why would he be a cat?“
Felix shrugged. „Because he's a pussy,“ he grinned, getting another laugh out of Pomni. „Anyway, do you need to take a shower or something?“ he pointed to the door on the left. „It might not be much, but it gets the job done i guess.“
Christine smiled, „Thanks, Felix.“ She was about to walk through the door, but then she stopped in her tracks, her eyes wide, her smile gone. She looked him in the eyes and then grabbed his left arm. Felix's heart dropped.
„Please, don't...“ he pleaded.
„I just wanna see, Felix,“ she said, her voice unbreaking. She grasped his arm and held it tight, despite Jax trying to get away.
„Don't look, please!“ No matter how much he begged, Christine continued inspecting his arm. He looked away.
He was far too exposed.
He felt his forearm tingle from how Christine stared at it. She slowly ran her fingers over the scars. Felix whimpered and tried to escape once more, but he was like an animal in a snare.
„These are...old...“ she concluded after a long thought.
„Yep from time before the circus, yep yep, can you let go?" he blurted quickly, trying not to cry.
She didn't let go. Her gaze shifted, despite him not looking at her face, he felt her staring at him. He wanted to look her in the face and see the emotions she's feeling. She's always been easy to read. But he knew he couldn't. It would just make him cry.
He felt her grip loosen and he instantly pressed his wrist to his side, as if hiding his biggest guilt and shame will make Christine forget it.
„Felix... Look at me,“ her voice was soft. Not teary, not demanding, not angry. How could he not obey?
His head slowly turned and their eyes met. Her lips were pressed into a thin line as she looked up at him, her eyes sparked with only one question. What happened to you?
Felix wiped his tears. „Leave it alone,“ he snarled. As he saw her face change to concern, he realized his tone might've been too harsh. He remember the fight they had in the circus, when he tried to push her away but she wouldn't back down. This time it wasn't so differend.
„Felix,“ she took his hand. „I know that there can be hard times. I mean, you can literally see it in my face right now. But hiding it isn't the greatest way how to go about it. It only causes more pain, no matter how long ago or how bad it was. I will never judge you for trying to survive through those bad times, nor if you don't feel safe enough with me to let me see those scars, but I am here. And I'm not leaving.“
She let go of his hand and slowly wrapped her arms around him. Felix thought of pushing her away like last time. But he felt like he wasn't that person anymore. He wasn't Jax. His name was Felix, he lived a shitty life in a shitty apartment and got stuck in a place where he almost went insane, but he got through it and now, he didn't want to start pushing people away again. It felt nice to let them be close to him.
After he mustered up the courage, he hugged her back, pressing her to him tightly. Her scent calmed him down, paper and flowers. So gentle and sweet and... so her. Felix enjoyed the warmth of her body, even though her hands were cold.
They stood there a long time, both unsure when to pull away. Felix was the first one that did.
„Aa-anyway... I should probably conjure up some late breakfast,“ he coughed out a chuckle. „Hope you're hungry for burnt water and frozen cereal!“ he joked, trying to lighten the mood. Christine gave him a smile, yet he knew that she didn't find it funny.
The doors closed behind her and he heard her lock the door. Felix felt his heart get heavy from their interaction. She knows. She's seen all through me.
His breath hitched, as if his lungs shrank. He stumbled to his couch and crashed onto it. His mind was fuzzy. Breathe, Felix, breathe... He held his breath and then slowly inhaled. When he tried to exhale, all came out was a loud sob. And then another, and another. Jesus, you're such a baby, Felix... Are you crying because of the thing that you did to yourself? If only you weren't so weak. He curled up on the couch.
He remembered this feeling. The feeling of hopelessness, that this life of his doesn't matter, that he has already made too many mistakes to fix things. The feeling of self-hatred. His stomach was sinking and his skin itched for pain. No... He promised he wasn't like that. He will not do anything. Not when Christine is literally in the next room. He didn't want her to worry, and him relapsing would be the most worrysome thing ever.
He ran his hands through his hair. Perhaps he should start making that breakfast, so that it doesn't look like he was mentally breaking-down a minute ago. His vision clouded a bit as he stood up on his wobbly knees, which didn't feel like his own. It was like running on autopilot, all emotions pushed aside as he focused on the task ahead. He went to the fridge and found eggs, despite him not remembering buying any. It didn't matter.
After a while, Christine walked out the bathroom, he hair still wet. Felix stood up and offered her the omelette he made. She took it with a smile and sat next to him on the couch. The silence was so heavy you could almost weight it.
Christine spoke first. „Hey... I know this might be kinda weird, but can I...stay here for a while? It's just because I don't feel safe coming back home... He would get mad at me again and...stuff...“
Felix turned his head to look at her. She stared into her plate and played with her food. „Of course,“ a soft, warm smile tugged at his lips, „but you'll help me foot the bills, alright?“
Christine turned her head to him. „I wasn't expecting any less,“ she took a bite of her omelette. „How did you even manage to keep this place? Weren't you gone a few years?“
Felix shrugged. „Yeah, well, this is one of the cheapest apartments in the area. The landlady told me that I'll get to keep it, but I'll have to pay more the next couple months.“
Christine slightly nudged him with her elbow. „Hey, don't worry, I'll help you. Roomie,“ she chuckled.
Felix snickered at the nickname. „Alrighty. Well, I should also put myself together. My hair's a mess,“ he ran a hand through his hair and headed for the bathroom. „If you need anything, just wait for me.“
„Okay,“ Christine chirped.
Felix closed the door and exhaled. It felt...weird to talk to her. Maybe it was because a few hours ago, he was absolutely willing to bang her. Or maybe because now she knew what he was hiding and didn't wanna accidentaly set him off.
He didn't know why she cared so much. He was mean to her all the time in the circus. One thing was certain, however. He had to hide his upsets from her, otherwise she'll be worried. He wasn't sure how he'd do it, though, because now they were roommates. And deep down, in his stomach, he felt a little butterfly flapping it's wings. A butterfly that he wasn't sure would leave anytime soon.