Band-aids for us

by lover_black9

Summary:

Everyone escaped the Amazing Digital Circus, but they can't escape the past...

Felix was stuck in the circus for a while, so returning to a normal life is practically impossible for him. His memories haunt him, his life feels too messed-up to fix, and he is losing hope.

But he then reunites with someone he thought he'd never see again. They both decide that perhaps they could put a band-aid on their wounds and heal themselves—and maybe even the people they both once knew, so that they all could start living normally again...

Chapter 1: The Return

Felix felt truly lost in his life for the first time in a while. He didn't even know how long he was stuck in the circus, felt like decades, but when he came back, merely a few years had passed. His world, once filled with vivid colours has been dimmed down into something that he knew was normal, but it was like his mind couldn't accept it.
At first upon returning, it was like he dissociated until he reached the place he felt was familliar. He found his old apartment building. His apartment was pretty much intact, nothing was stolen or broken, despite the shitty neighbourhood he lived in, and he quickly tried to piece his life back together.
Now, not even a week later, he felt like he made no progress at all. Or more yet, that being pulled out of the sweet order he worked so hard to build in the circus fucked him up so badly that he felt like giving up on this life already. The worst thing about this was how much he dissociated from the world. His life, his body...everything...felt like he was watching a TV show, but it was real and...he was having a hard time coping with it. Especially with his body. Everytime he looked in the mirror, he kinda expected that purple rabbit to show up, but instead it was... him. His freckled face with piercing blue eyes and bleached short hair with dark roots already growing out.
Yet there were some details about him he couldn't remember at first. One of which he stumbled upon taking a shower. On his arms were some white lines. He was confused at first, but then his body was wrecked with memories of how he got these scars. How he couldn't handle living anymore, so everytime he felt down, he just...doesn't matter. He swore to himself that day that he wouldn't be like that. Never again...

He woke up tired. He couldn't seem to get sleep due to his memories haunting him, even in his dreams. He wondered if everyone made it out safely. If they were all okay... No wait, why would he think that? He didn't care about anyone. He didn't care if they were all with their families happily reuniting, if they already moved on, if they went back to that job as an accountant for a supermarket chain. His mind wandered to Pomni. He felt his heart ache and he curled up on his couch, hugging himself. He missed her. He missed her so bad that she managed to sneak her way into his every thought.
He quickly pushed her aside with all mental power he had and got up. He had to get ready for his early shift at this café job he just managed to get. Despite feeling his life losing meaning, he decided he needs to keep on living and slowly get his shit together. And he needed money for therapy. So he got up, brushed his teeth (while avoiding the gaze of the man in the mirror), put some decent clothes he thrifted yesterday and packed his apron he got after his succesful job interview. He checked the time and saw that it was already 7:10 AM, he had 20 minutes to get there.
Getting to work was suprisingly easy. It was close, and walking through the morning city kinda managed to ground him a bit after something that was barely 2 hours of sleep. Upon arrival, he saw his now-coworker, he assumed, sweeping the floor. He was around his 30s and looking like he was about to death-sentence Felix. He didn't even bother to greet and just went ahead with the job.
„So, your job is making sure everything is clean and fuctioning. That means cleaning tables, serving tables, filling up coffee machines, ice mashines, whatever. So be a sweetheart and do that, mm'kay?"
Felix felt his eye twitch as his blood heated upon hearing that nickname. Sweetheart? What am i, his fucking niece? But he obliged.
First hour dragged. He done nothing but check every mashine and container, re-stocking it if it was needed, but other than that, nobody showed up for their extra early coffee. The man - nametag said Bruce - finished sweeping a while ago and was now scrolling on Instagram, and Felix would be damned if he tried small-talking with that dude.
The second hour was the time when people actually started showing up. Felix was just dissociating again when he heard Bruce honk at him.
„Oi, you..." he looked at his nametag, „Jax! Serve the customers!“
Felix froze. He looked at his nametag and saw he had accidentally written Jax instead of Felix.
„I'm actually Felix!" He yelled, but his calls were unaswered. Great, he was feeling like shit again. He didn't matter, his whole identity, the one he had just regained, was already swooped back and replaced with the one more familiar to him, yet not truly his.
He shook his head and went back to working. God knows he needs the cash, and making a bad impression on the first day was not ideal.
Felix just had a second to breathe among all these people having their morning coffee, until he heard that dreaded bell sound again and the door opened. In walked two women, one shorter than the other. The taller one had sun-kissed skin with red cheeks and blonde hair, loudly laughing at something. And the shorter one was...odd. Like a complete opposite of what one could assume was her friend. Her skin was unusually pale for the summer season, she had dark eyes and brown short hair with bangs. She looked extremely well-put-together, like she was about to give a business presentation. She was...kinda hot?
„I can't believe that happened to you, though!" the taller one chuckled.
„Yeah, you know my sense of orientation... Not the best...“ There was something familiar about that voice. Felix couldn't quite place it. He watched them place their order. Shorties friend ordered an iced matcha latté and Shorty herself just had black coffee.
Felix was soon called to serve them. He thought for a second. I haven't been in this world for a while, perhaps one of the things that could give me a breath of fresh air could be a date with a hot girl? He took his time bringing the order as he made up his mind. He approached them.
„One iced matcha and black coffee to match your eyes,“ he passed the drink to Shorty with a smile and a subtle wink. God, that was cringe. The taller girl beamed.
„Thank you, o' mysterious guy in a hoodie," she smiled.
„Name's-"
„Jax?“ The taller girl guessed off his nametag. I really need to change that. He saw how Shorties eyes slightly widened. „Odd name, but pleased ot meet you, Jax! I'm Bree,“ she stuck out her hand.
„Actually, i'm Felix. I just... Had a little blackout and wrote that...“ he chuckled.
„Well, no wonder! I would also black out in that hoodie.“ Bree hesitantly put her hand back as she saw that he didn't shake it. Felix stiffened a bit. He subconsciously started pulling at his sleeves, especially at the left one. He didn't feel too hot, cause he didn't have anything underneath. Anyway, he...couldn't take it off...
„Yeah...I'm naked under this, soo, nope, not the cause. Sorry ladies, i have to go.“ Felix ushered away. Well, that was one awkward conversation.
For the rest of the time, he was watching Shorty and her friend. He couldn't seem to take his eyes of them, especially from Shorty. He didn't even know her name, but the way she looked and sounded triggered something in him. She probably thought of him as some weird stalker, and that was no good. Besides, he could already hear that unbearable man Bruce yelling at him to do his damn job, so he quit looking and started working...

After something that could've been like 10 minutes, the café was nearly empty. Everyone rushed to work or other important events the had to get to. Only Shorty and Friend stayed behind, chatting. Suddently, they both got up, and Felix went right to cleaning their table.
Friend suddently appeared behind him. She leaned aganist the table.
„Soo, Felix... I was wondering... You're new here, right? I come to this place often, but i never saw you! But anyway, maybe i'd even rather see you more...outside of your work hours?“
Fleix stopped for a second. „Not interested. Your friend is hot though,“ he smirked gleefully. You're letting your inner Jax show, huh Felix? Maybe that was the real you all along...
Friend seemed kinda hurt, she looked back at Shorty, who stood wide-eyed. Shorty shot an angry glare at Felix, and then took Friend by her arm and went outside with her.
God, why do I fuck up everything?
„Jeez, you really do fuck up everything, huh?“ Bruce said, unamused. „Seriously, your first day, you get asked out by a pretty woman and not only you say "no" but you have the nerve to say that her friend is prettier. I would've slapped you in the face if I was that girl. All i can say, I thought you would be an asshole, and you are. Suprise, suprise.“
Felix rolled his eyes. Hate you too. I hate this stupid job and I've been here for not even three hours. I hate this place. I hate this town. I hate the people. I hate everyone around. I hate my body. I hate...
I hate how much I miss the circus.
Felix stopped wiping the table. He chuckled to himself a bit. Unbelieveable, he misses the thing that brought him so much suffering and arguably only worsened his mental health. He must be going insane, which kinda terrified him for a second, but then he realized that he couldn't abstract in the real world. He was stuck here. Unless...
He shook his head. No, he wasn't that kind of person. He wasn't gonna give up when he survived through the circus and escaped. He's just had a rough week settling in, no need to get destructive.
He went ahead and finished cleaning. He felt a sudden surge of energy, feeling ready to get through the shift and have absolutely no problem...

Notes:

My first tadc fic ayayayy-

Chapter 2: Christine

Notes:

I think we all know who Christine is ;)

He definetly didn't get through the shift with absolutely no problem. Bruce yelled at him so much that Felix already got used to him, a customer complained about "slow service" and apparently that was gonna be deducted from Felix's pay. He was at work the whole day, basically being nothing but the cleaning service. Now, it was 5 PM, and he still had to clean the whole café. Great. Bruce was in the back, doing god-knows-what, and Felix had to clean the counters, floors and some of the remaining cups and mugs. He was just about to sweep the floor, when suddently a little ding of the front door resonates through the room.
„We're closed,“ Felix announced.
„Well... I came to see you, actually!“ A nervous familiar voice made Felix look up.
In front of him was Shorty. The little lady whose name he didn't get and who was incredibly pretty.
„Hey... Why me? If you wanted my number, you could've just told me!"
Shorty pressed her lips into a thin line. „Actually, no, I came to tell you that you were awfully mean today. Bree isn't...she wasn't...happy...about what you said, obviously. Even if you don't want a girl hitting on you, that doesn't justify you making someone so upset, you hear me? Now, I hope you will apologize once you see her...“
Felix smirked. „Better quit my job then, cause I do not wanna see her again, Shorty.“
„Wha- What?! Don't call me that, I'm not your friend, I do not know you!“
„You sure? You seem kinda familiar to me...“
„I never met you!"
„You could meet me. Formally,“ Felix stuck out his hand, „My name is Felix, nice to meet you."
Shorty hesitated before taking his hand. „Christine. Nice to meet you too. Jax," she smirked, poking fun of how bad he fumbled to write an entirely differend name on his nametag.
Felix froze. His dissociation went full speed ahead, and soon, the world was a TV screen and Felix stood far away from it.
He shook his head and grounded himself. „Yeah... That... I... Need to change my nametag...“ he stuttered out, yanking his hand away.
Christine paused, staring at him with those dark, beautiful eyes. „I knew a Jax once... You remind me of him,“ she smiled and Felix's heart did a little flip.
And then they just stood in silence. Well, until Christine spoke up again.
„Any-hoo... I better get going... My...boyfriend will get worried if I... don't come home soon...“ her smile faded a bit as she looked away, clutching the strap of her purse, but when she looked back at Jax, her smile widened again - a little too forcefully. Jax knew that kind of smile. She has a boyfriend? That was the first thought that came into his mind, yet he quickly shoved that thought away. He was watching her short figure, fully aware of all the signs. The way her shoulders were tense, her nervous feet shuffling, how she rubbed circles onto the strap of her purse, while holding it like she wanted to strangle it.
„Right,“ Felix had a hint of concern in his eyes. „Hey...about the phone number, I wasn't really kidding, you know? Even if you're taken, you still seem like a nice person to talk to...“ He felt a pit in his stomach just from the way she talked about her boyfriend. Something was wrong, and he will do his best to help in any way he can.
„Oh...Well, thanks for the offer, but I really don't do...guy friends? Sorry...“ Christine smiled apologetically.
„Well,“ Felix insisted, „If...you need anything at all... My apartment is just a few blocks away, like... 15 minutes from here? You'll recognize it, it's the shittiest apartment building in the street and it's surrounded by those curvy pipes...“
„I think I know,“ Christine smiled, „thanks, Felix. See you later!“
And she walked off, leaving nothing but the scent of paper and flowers. It nearly made Jax dizzy, because he was inhaling the smell of coffee beans all day. Maybe except for the 2-hour lunch break.
Felix gazed around the café, the interaction with Christine leaving him warm on the inside. But he was still a little worried. The sun shone into his face, coating his skin in golden.
„My work's done, I'm clocking out!" That sentence reminded him of the fast food adventure, but this time, he didn't feel any negative emotions. He was just glad to be going home. Bruce just loudly said uh-huh, but Felix was already on his way.

By the time he got home, sun begun to set. He was absolutely starving. In his fridge, he found only a bit of food, so he decided to eat the block of cheese he stumbled upon. He turned on the TV and switched the channel to some telenovella, not even paying attention much, only carving away at the cheese with a knife.
He thought about Christine. He could've swore he saw her somewhere before, but the more he thought about it, the more he felt like his mind was playing tricks on him. He wouldn't forget such a beautiful face.
His eyes started getting all droopy and he felt sleepy. He mustered up the strength to get up and put the remains of the cheese into the fridge. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew he should take care of himself before bed. So he showered, brushed his teeth and changed out of his work clothes to sweatpants and a T-shirt.
He plopped himself onto his musty couch, curling up with a blanket. For the first time this week, he felt safe. He felt like he is doing a good job at getting his life together, and all those thoughts - the dissociating, feeling of worthlessness, even the thoughts of his act of weakness in form of self-harm - flew away like balloons. Before he closed his eyes, his mind once again wandered to Christine. He hoped she would visit him sometime. But he better not dwell, otherwise it'll hurt much more afterwards. His eyes fell heavy and he finally fell asleep.

Chapter 3: I know you...

Notes:

Guys...shit's about to get real. Brace urself

Felix woke up to the sound of knocking. It was persistent, yet slow and deliberate. He heard them at the other side of the door.
Felix got up and opened the door. „I swear, if this is about rent-" His eyes fell on someone he didn't expect to see.
The short hair, dark, teared-up eyes were unmistakable. The question was what the fuck happened to her face. Her nose was bleeding, her lip was busted, and there was a red patch on her cheek, slowly turning into a bruise.
„H-hey... Felix? Sorry to wake you, I do- don't know why i even came he- here. Ss...sorry...I'm sorry..." Christine put on a tired, broken smile, tears spilling on her cheeks. She sobbed, her voice raw, and Felix pulled her into a hug, not caring whenether he got blood on his clothes.
He knew who was behind this. He knew that... fuckass was responsible. His heart broke with every pained sound Christine made, yet getting filled with more and more rage.
„Shh... It's okay Chrissy... It's alright... Come in...“ He gently led her into his apartment. She sat down on the couch, still crying. He brought her some tissues and let her hold it to her nose. She was still muttering sorry all over again. It was almost unbearable to watch.
He went into the bathroom for some bandages and disinfectant. He came back and grabbed one of the tissues, soaking it with the disinfectant.
„This'll sting, be prepared...“
„I know....“ he voice sounded defeated.
„... He did this, am I right?" Jax asked quietly, watching her lip quiver as he cleaned it. „Don't say anything, nod or shake your head..."
Christine slowly nodded, tears welling up again. Jax put a small band-aid on her lip, then he went to the freezer and found a drink he saved for later. He gave it to Christine to cool down her cheek.
„H-he got angry... He accused me of cheati...cheating. It's cause I've been 'gone for so long'..."
Felix felt his curiosity gnaw at him. „You were...gone? What happened?"
Christine chuckled. „You'd never believe me. Nobody would. I was missing a few months...though it felt like years...“
Felix felt a pang in his stomach. This...was oddly similar to what Felix went through. He started to feel warm, tingly buzzing in his heart. Hope.
„I went missing too...a few years back,“ he looked away and contemplated. He then decided to test the waters. „I was stuck in a place that seemingly had no escape. But I managed to get out. Me and... some of the people I got to know there. Others...weren't so lucky...“
He felt himself slipping back to that awful place. World was one big TV show and a purple rabbit watched it from his room, clutching the bowtie left by the only person that seemingly didn't care enough to stay with him, no matter how much he loved him. He saw Christine's expression change, but it was like he couldn't focus on it - all he saw was the black abstracted shape and thousands of eyes with vibrant colours staring at him.
„How odd... Me t-“ Christine stopped mid-sentence. She put the cold drink down and stared into the air as if thinking. When she looked back, her eyes were full of emotions - hope, sadness, joy, fright. It made Felix snap back to reality. He stared into those deep brown eyes, until he realized the truth that had been with them the whole time.
„...Jax?“ she spoke softly, cupping his face with her hands.
„...Pomni?“ he asked back, a smile forming on his face as he shivered slightly at the touch of her cold hands. He cupped one side of her face, the side that wasn't hurt.
„Jax!“ Christine crashed into his arms.
„Don't be so formal, call me Felix...“ he exhaled shakily, gripping her shirt like she could dissolve in any minute. He felt her crying on his shoulder.
„Mmh-hm, Felix. I thought I lost all of you... I was worried you weren't even alive,“ Christine sniffled.
„I was worried too... God... I was worried...“ He wrapped his arms around her tight, feeling tears spill over his eyes. He felt so relieved and happy that he stumbled upon something familiar, better yet, upon Pomni. She was his friend, even though he refused to accept it at first. But he needed her more than she needed him. In any given circumstance.
He felt her tears soaking his T-shirt. They sat there, crying in silence, so much to unpack in between them. Christine spoke after a minute.
„I.... I'm glad I came... After all... that happened with me and...stuff...“ she lifted her head to speak, her voice heavy with guilt.
Felix pulled away, taking her face into his palms. „It's not your fault,“ he said, his tone flat, because he was just stating facts.
Christine looked away. „I know...“
„It's not your fault.“
„You just said that.“
„I don't think you fully believe it yet,“ he gently hugged Christine. „It's not your fault.“
Christine was silent. She didn't even cry anymore.
„Want to send him into a virtual digital circus game where he turns into a cat and eventually loses his mind?“
She chuckled and sniffled. „Why would he be a cat?“
Felix shrugged. „Because he's a pussy,“ he grinned, getting another laugh out of Pomni. „Anyway, do you need to take a shower or something?“ he pointed to the door on the left. „It might not be much, but it gets the job done i guess.“
Christine smiled, „Thanks, Felix.“ She was about to walk through the door, but then she stopped in her tracks, her eyes wide, her smile gone. She looked him in the eyes and then grabbed his left arm. Felix's heart dropped.
„Please, don't...“ he pleaded.
„I just wanna see, Felix,“ she said, her voice unbreaking. She grasped his arm and held it tight, despite Jax trying to get away.
„Don't look, please!“ No matter how much he begged, Christine continued inspecting his arm. He looked away.
He was far too exposed.
He felt his forearm tingle from how Christine stared at it. She slowly ran her fingers over the scars. Felix whimpered and tried to escape once more, but he was like an animal in a snare.
„These are...old...“ she concluded after a long thought.
„Yep from time before the circus, yep yep, can you let go?" he blurted quickly, trying not to cry.
She didn't let go. Her gaze shifted, despite him not looking at her face, he felt her staring at him. He wanted to look her in the face and see the emotions she's feeling. She's always been easy to read. But he knew he couldn't. It would just make him cry.
He felt her grip loosen and he instantly pressed his wrist to his side, as if hiding his biggest guilt and shame will make Christine forget it.
„Felix... Look at me,“ her voice was soft. Not teary, not demanding, not angry. How could he not obey?
His head slowly turned and their eyes met. Her lips were pressed into a thin line as she looked up at him, her eyes sparked with only one question. What happened to you?
Felix wiped his tears. „Leave it alone,“ he snarled. As he saw her face change to concern, he realized his tone might've been too harsh. He remember the fight they had in the circus, when he tried to push her away but she wouldn't back down. This time it wasn't so differend.
„Felix,“ she took his hand. „I know that there can be hard times. I mean, you can literally see it in my face right now. But hiding it isn't the greatest way how to go about it. It only causes more pain, no matter how long ago or how bad it was. I will never judge you for trying to survive through those bad times, nor if you don't feel safe enough with me to let me see those scars, but I am here. And I'm not leaving.“
She let go of his hand and slowly wrapped her arms around him. Felix thought of pushing her away like last time. But he felt like he wasn't that person anymore. He wasn't Jax. His name was Felix, he lived a shitty life in a shitty apartment and got stuck in a place where he almost went insane, but he got through it and now, he didn't want to start pushing people away again. It felt nice to let them be close to him.
After he mustered up the courage, he hugged her back, pressing her to him tightly. Her scent calmed him down, paper and flowers. So gentle and sweet and... so her. Felix enjoyed the warmth of her body, even though her hands were cold.
They stood there a long time, both unsure when to pull away. Felix was the first one that did.
„Aa-anyway... I should probably conjure up some late breakfast,“ he coughed out a chuckle. „Hope you're hungry for burnt water and frozen cereal!“ he joked, trying to lighten the mood. Christine gave him a smile, yet he knew that she didn't find it funny.
The doors closed behind her and he heard her lock the door. Felix felt his heart get heavy from their interaction. She knows. She's seen all through me.
His breath hitched, as if his lungs shrank. He stumbled to his couch and crashed onto it. His mind was fuzzy. Breathe, Felix, breathe... He held his breath and then slowly inhaled. When he tried to exhale, all came out was a loud sob. And then another, and another. Jesus, you're such a baby, Felix... Are you crying because of the thing that you did to yourself? If only you weren't so weak. He curled up on the couch.
He remembered this feeling. The feeling of hopelessness, that this life of his doesn't matter, that he has already made too many mistakes to fix things. The feeling of self-hatred. His stomach was sinking and his skin itched for pain. No... He promised he wasn't like that. He will not do anything. Not when Christine is literally in the next room. He didn't want her to worry, and him relapsing would be the most worrysome thing ever.
He ran his hands through his hair. Perhaps he should start making that breakfast, so that it doesn't look like he was mentally breaking-down a minute ago. His vision clouded a bit as he stood up on his wobbly knees, which didn't feel like his own. It was like running on autopilot, all emotions pushed aside as he focused on the task ahead. He went to the fridge and found eggs, despite him not remembering buying any. It didn't matter.

After a while, Christine walked out the bathroom, he hair still wet. Felix stood up and offered her the omelette he made. She took it with a smile and sat next to him on the couch. The silence was so heavy you could almost weight it.
Christine spoke first. „Hey... I know this might be kinda weird, but can I...stay here for a while? It's just because I don't feel safe coming back home... He would get mad at me again and...stuff...“
Felix turned his head to look at her. She stared into her plate and played with her food. „Of course,“ a soft, warm smile tugged at his lips, „but you'll help me foot the bills, alright?“
Christine turned her head to him. „I wasn't expecting any less,“ she took a bite of her omelette. „How did you even manage to keep this place? Weren't you gone a few years?“
Felix shrugged. „Yeah, well, this is one of the cheapest apartments in the area. The landlady told me that I'll get to keep it, but I'll have to pay more the next couple months.“
Christine slightly nudged him with her elbow. „Hey, don't worry, I'll help you. Roomie,“ she chuckled.
Felix snickered at the nickname. „Alrighty. Well, I should also put myself together. My hair's a mess,“ he ran a hand through his hair and headed for the bathroom. „If you need anything, just wait for me.“
„Okay,“ Christine chirped.
Felix closed the door and exhaled. It felt...weird to talk to her. Maybe it was because a few hours ago, he was absolutely willing to bang her. Or maybe because now she knew what he was hiding and didn't wanna accidentaly set him off.
He didn't know why she cared so much. He was mean to her all the time in the circus. One thing was certain, however. He had to hide his upsets from her, otherwise she'll be worried. He wasn't sure how he'd do it, though, because now they were roommates. And deep down, in his stomach, he felt a little butterfly flapping it's wings. A butterfly that he wasn't sure would leave anytime soon.

Notes:

My first TADC fic ayayayayy-