Work Text:
Underworld Security Report: 271
By: Zagreus, Prince of the Underworld
Weapon: Coronacht, the Heart-Seeking Bow
Aspect of Zagreus
Hey, that's 271 escapes! Feels like it should be a special number.
I started this one as usual by jumping out of the courtyard window. After, of course, modifying the Pact of Punishment. What can I say, I like the challenge.
The first thing I saw was a Daedalus Hammer. And come now, for what I was trying to do that day-or-night, Point Blank Shot as my best bet. Took me a while to beat the Wretched Thugs near the House, though. Father likes to keep me on my toes.
The first Olympian for that day-or-night was Lady Artemis, and I picked her Hunter's Strike. "Keep a sharp eye out there, all right?" she said. Had been planning to do so anyways, Artemis, but thanks for the well-wishes!
Then Dionysus showed up. "Have to say, Zag, that little tune Orpheus cooked up, it's been a real hit on the surface here, man!" Couldn't really say anything about that, my mate Orpheus really ran with it there. To the good shade reading this report, I promise it's a joke.
I could've got Splitting Headache at Charon's shop after this, but Approvals Process put a stop to that. Tightening up border security, and all.
"Hrrrnghhhh."
"Good to knmow I have your sympathies, Charon mate."
But then I almost got mobbed by Numbskulls and Brimstones in the room after that. Probably not helped by the number of spike traps I stepped on.
(Do not tell Megaera. She will laugh at me.)
Didn't run into Sisyphus this time though. Hope he and Bouldy are all right.
The Fury Sisyer for that day-or-night was Tisiphone, and we exchanged our usual pre-battle pleasantries.
"Murrderrzerrr!"
"It's Zagreus! Can you say Zagreus?"
"Instead of yapping about, redblood, why don't you come fight us already?! That way we can get on with killing you!"
Oh, did I forget to mention Alecto? Meg's most charming sister?
I did run into a spike trap when Tisiphone's smoke blacked out the room, but all things said, I'd say I did pretty well. The Furies are more predictable once you learn how they move, I think. All those failed escape attempts have got to count for something!
Splashed water on my face from the fountain, swapped keepsakes, and sold off Dio's Drunken Flourish at the Pool of Purging. I could disable Underworld Customs on the Pact… But fear is for the weak. Besides, Charon likes the coin.
Speaking of Charon. I was almost at the gate to Asphodel before I remembered to check his Well.
"Agh! What's a few scratches for some extra obol, am I right?"
Asphodel was as fiery as always. (We should do something about that, can't imagine it's very comfortable for the Shades who have to live there.)
I jumped into the nearby Chaos Gate, and grabbed the Darkness they'd kindly left out.
"Son of Hades," their voice echoed in the abyss, "let me welcome your return here to my space within the Underworld, and bid you choose an alteration to the fabric of reality."
They let me pick one of three blessings as usual. Chose an increase in my speed in exchange for a weaker attack. Should work out well, I thought.
After that, I re-entered the Underworld proper into a chamber with Lady Aphrodite's sigil on it. Though the moment I got my feet under me, the air turned green, and from somewhere in the distance, a bell tolled. Guh-dong!
(Wait, can I write about Than here? I mean, my escape attempts are official now and all, but… Father wasn't very pleased, when he found out about Thanatos helping me. Wouldn't want him to get into any more trouble, on my account.)
Erm… so anyways, I beat back a horde of Bloodless and Inferno-Bombers all by myself. There definitely wasn't a contest that I won. Not at all.
(Thanatos: While I appreciate the attempt at discretion, Zag, could you try not to deny it so loudly? At this rate, even the wretches in the Temple of Styx will know.)
Then the Fates were kind enough to show me to Charon's shop, where I found a boon from Hermes. Luckily, it was my favourite: Hyper Sprint. "Don't spend it all in one place, mate," I muttered, resisting Lady Aphrodte's boon.
Had to fight off the entire Witch's Coven after that, though. Spent… an embarrassingly long time, in retrospect, zipping up and down the steps there trying to find the last Bloodless. Business as usual.
No Barge of Death, thank the gods!
Eurydice's island was a welcome reprieve. And hey, turns out Orpheus was on break at the time! They might be working on something new, I think. At least, that's what I assumed all the parchmentwork was.
It's nice to see Orpheus more cheerful, these days-or-nights. Doesn't hurt that the halls are filled with music more often than not, too.
As for Lernie, they brought put their green head this time. "Lernie, if you'd like me to kill you, hiss." And they did!
They'd like me to use Aegis, I think. They had a good time playing catch with it, that's for sure.
Had to sell off the Trippy Shot I got from Dio. Blood and darkness, I'd almost forgotten about Underworld Customs!
(Hades: Remember that the next time you change the Pact of Punishment, boy… Damn it! Zagreus.)
Elysium was all right. Not better nor worse than usual. Though the Longbows have been practising! One of them would've taken off a good chunk of my shoulder if not for Athena's boon shielding me.
(Hades: Hmph. And what of the traps?)
Asterisk and I had your usual cordial match to the death. Got Lady Aphrodite's Blown Kiss out of it. Meg would've had a good laugh, if she could've stayed till the end.
(Seriously, I haven't the slightest why Asterius and Theseus are friends, considering Theseus' general obnoxiousness… but they get along well, at least?)
A room of Splitters ate away a Death Defiance, so, erm… very effective deterrents, Father. (At this point, I'd pay a thousand Diamonds to never see a butterfly again.)
After that wonderful chamber, Patroclus was a sight for sore eyes, offering - no. No, I can't risk Achilles' contract.
The Champpions cost me another Death Defiance, what with Theseus joyriding in his chariot, and all.
(Demeter's not as over the whole hiding-away-in-the-Underworld thing as Mother claims she is, I don't think. Felt like she was being more vicious than usual, aiding Theseus.)
(Hades: The Queen will manage matters on Olympus. She is the most suitable for it, given the temperaments of all those who are involved. Though I believe we shall remain in Demeter's good graces.)
At the Temple of Styx, I had to hunt through all five tunnels for Cerberus' sack of satyr vermin. Dead this time, thank the gods.
And then it was out onto the surface… to face Father, once again.
(It's different now, without me escaping form hell to see Mother. It's been different, ever since Mother's returned home. And yet… Ugh, the only thing we can do is try, I think.)
Defeating Father never gets old though.
Then I tidied Mother's cottage up a bit. Watered her plants, caught a bass… Tried a bit of that prurple fruit growing by the entrance. It… wasn't meant for human consumption, now that I think about it.
(The old man had too much fun with that one.)