Chapter Text
Kageyama Tobio has the ten commandments memorised in his head, like a song you sing to yourself when you get anxious about anything.
I am the LORD your God; you shall not have strange gods before me.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
Remember to keep holy the LORD’s Day.
Honor your father and mother.
You shall not kill.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.
You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.
He knew them all by heart, it was simple.
But there was one he never read out loud in all his knowledge of the bible.
“Do not look at a man the way you do a woman.”
The raven haired knew this as an unspoken rule, in all the churches, he could feel the uncomfortable atmosphere when such.. vulgar topics were brought up.
Tobio understood the ugly truth.
“Gay people were sinners, to be banished in the depths, for they have disobeyed the lord, the father.”
It was the sincere reality.
If so, why do they have to be so endearing?
Why do they have to have this shine in their eyes?
Why do their pupils dilate to a round, shallow black every time he does something stupid, or plain out simple?
Why is their hair the softest fabric he’s touched?
Why does it lace through his fingers like a velvet silk?
“Oi, Kageyama-kun.”
He looked at him, as the shorter continued to face onwards. Tobio concerned himself with his side profile, his messy hair had dried leaves tangled in it, as another leaf dropped from the large, autumn tree above them, falling in the side of his never ending curls.
The taller boy would never miss the way he had this light, humane upturn of his lips on his face whenever he relaxed his muscles, it was a simple sight that the setter wished he got to see more.
The boy averted his gaze to the hill across from them, where their teammates Nishinoya and Tanaka were arguing over who would get to carry Kiyoko’s bags for her, as the girl in question had an amused expression on her face, with Yachi watching alongside her, with an awkward, yet used to it smile.
It made Tobio sick, he felt an urge of discomfort deep in his throat, he felt the small hairs along his arms stiffening with tingles of jealousy.
“What, dumbass?”
He could barely find it in himself to lace his words with as much bluntness as usual, Hinata gave him a concerned, yet sarcastic look.
“I was always wondering, do you think of yourself as an honest person?”
“That’s a-lot deeper than I wanna go, what the hell’s up with you?”
“I-It doesn’t matter! Just answer idiot!”
Tobio looked to the sky, and back to the ginger as a strong gust of wind flew past, his hair ruffled in front of his face, swooping up and down through the wind.
But no, that’s not normal to think of, wait, what is he thinking?
This is completely normal, and he’s being completely honest, he’s just confusing his feelings up.
He gazed at the older boy’s somewhat anxious expression.
“I’d say I’m very honest, not much to lie about.”
He lied, there was one thing he did.
Whether he liked it or not, whether he admitted it was a lie or not.
He wasn’t attracted to Shimizu, well, maybe he is, he just can’t comprehend it properly and he’s just being very dramatic over this, he’s attracted to Shimizu, he’s just having a hard time realising it.
Yea.
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It was a pretty sight.
Michimiya-san was a pretty sight, why didn’t he feel anything?
Michimiya Yui shyly handed a gift to their Captain, as her friends cheered her on.
Sawamura took it, it seemed like some sort of souvenir or a safety card, but the raven haired didn’t care.
He analyzed their body language with each other, the female captain trembled slightly, and their consecutive counterpart looked flattered, patting his neck as he humbly took it.
Sugawara-senpai nodded in understanding, he looked so happy, but his eyes glossed over in the cascading sun, his lips trembled as he pushed Asahi away in a playful manner.
Tobio was sure it was only him who noticed.
Sugawara was the only person he even fathomed the idea of talking to his feelings about.
The older boy had a panicked expression on his face, when the younger described his intricate, innocent perspective of Hinata.
It was in the locker rooms, they were both generally calm people, so many moments of silence were split in between them, but it never felt uncomfortable, just heavy.
Now he knows his story, senpai doesn’t wanna confess and is convinced he never will, he prefers to shove his unnecessary feelings in a glass bottle that oh so wants to crack.
Tobio always looked up to him, mostly is aspects aside from general volleyball skill, he admired how easily his upperclassman connected with people.
He really admired his stability right now.
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Yachi let out a set of controlled giggles, which were the mischievous type you wouldn't expect to hear from her, as she was up behind Hinata,the boy in question crouched down a bit, as she tied his hair in a similar manner of hers, a side ponytail, yet she decided to throw in a ribbon to make for some extra support of his unruly locks.
Apparently, this was her payback for helping them review for the upcoming end of term exams, cause as cohesively described by Tsukishima, (That snobby imbecile..) they sounded like uneducated, spoiled cavemen who didn’t understand the concept of communication whenever they spoke English.
Kageyama hated him.
“Wahh!! I’m so jealous of how thick your hair is, Hinata-kun.”
Even though no one will outright mention it, everyone was happy that Yachi was coming out of her shell more, they were all relieved she finally understood that she truly belonged there, no one was putting merely up with her presence, she's finally starting to blossom her own sense individuality, she adds in her own opinions now, and in a strange turn of events, Kageyama was one of the happiest people for her, despite how, if you looked at the group of first years, you’d assume the girl and the scary looking one would be the least close, they had a fair connection.
As she grew more confident in herself, she came
out to Hinata and Kageyama as a lesbian, she liked women.
Kageyama wondered if something like that could be normal when it came to him.
He didn’t see Yachi any differently, he looked her in the face as her and Hinata bantered gently, watching as the young girl took out her makeup kit menacingly, mutely pushing the ginger haired to lean on the stairs outside the locked gym doors.
Tobio saw Yachi, as Yachi, a kind, anxious, smart girl, not as a weirdo who likes girls.
Tobio wondered if he deserved to have the same perspective on himself, maybe he should accept it.
No, he’s not like that, and he never has been.
The raven haired felt a roar creep up the edges of his stomach, the butterflies he originally felt below at the sight of his favorite boy with mascara on him crawling back up his throat like moths he can’t help but throw up.
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Tobio is 7, listening to his sister talk to an anonymous, cheerful voice
on her flip phone, the girl across the line had a sweet, tender voice, he was a mere eavesdropper yet he could practically hear the grin on his sister’s face and of the one across the signal.
Tobio is 9, watching his parents repeatedly scold his older sister, they kept bringing up the words “Fag” and “Disgusting” even young, illiterate Tobio understood these were not good.
Tobio is 10 when he hasn’t seen his sister in over a month, he’s repeatedly persuading his parents to let him know where she is, why she’s there, and when she’ll come back, it’s been long since he’s had someone to play with.
Apparently, she was at a camp for people who disobeyed the order of the lord.
Her mother gently spoke to him, explaining gently with a soft smile on her face as she fixed the picture on their shelf, she spoke as if she was talking to a toddler, it made him so, very, very uncomfortable, he gazed at the picture.
He couldn’t see his sister in it.
Tobio is 16 when he falls into the same rabbit hole he promised to his sister he never would.
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Tobio is 21 as he watches him, so naturally align with that piss hared freak.
Wow, “Piss hair?” he really is just as immature as he was in high school, maybe that’s why he never admitted it, maybe that’s why he was such a coward.
But maybe, in this moment, as he looks at his rival across the net, but maybe now of all times he’ll finally understand that he wasn’t just a coward, he was aware, he was already conscious about the type of freak he was, the disgusting person of nature he was, he knew if he were to ever accept hisself, it would make everything worse, it really would, does someone who grew up in a house of strict rules and expectations really gonna be a reliable person in a relationship?
Tobio was better than Atsumu at setting, he knew that he had better accuracy when aiming the ball, it’s not something he’d ever stray from.
But, there was one thing he beat him at.
Tobio let out a quiet, bittersweet laugh one of his teammates awkwardly laughing with him, asking what it was, as they looked in the same direction as the raven haired was.
Tobio really hasn’t changed.
Atsumu beat him to his own acceptance.
But maybe that as a thing is something he’ll actually accept.
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As their previous captain stood up to bring a toast, Michimiya gazed at him with a tender, gooey look in her irises, until now, she still has the same hairstyle as she did in her third year, even after maturing, she really is just the same as she was before.
“And now, i’ll give a toast to my best man.”
Tobio tensed in his seat at the words of the older, newlywed man, he dared himself to look up at the scene in front of him, if he were to blur out the duos which sat in front of him, on the silk, pearly avenue chairs.
The volleyball player didn’t see the grinning brown haired girl, with it reaching just past her chin.
He saw the message in his upperclassman’s eyes, how Daichi looked at the boy with silver hair, how he’d watch him recite his message mutely.
Koushi downturned his gaze, but as all those years ago, the orange sun, orange... it fell across his face, downsizing the tears in his eyes.
“And to you, Daichi, thank you, for allowing me to come on this journey, enjoy, marriage, man.”
The boy with the silver hair, let out a small, bitter, laugh, his voice so disgustingly tender in its sweet manner.
Daichi smiled.
“I’ll anyways be the grateful one.”
Koushi shallowly handed the microphone to Michimiya, no, Yui, his fingers tensed up as a shiver rushed to his knuckles, the brunette softly took it from him, a trembling smile on her face as her eyes shook its glossy tears, she passed it on to her maid of honour, the pretty lady’s slim fingers shook rapidly, as she attempted to pick up the piece of paper across from her on the pristine table with it’s eye sickening red cloth.
“Yui, I remember watching as you and D-Daichi-san interacted for the first time, it was such a funny, sight, all these years,I knew what..w-was to come, i’ve expected this for so long, yet..”
The girl paused, she averted her face downwards, her lips curving into a smile as a singular, salty tear fell down her face like reality slapping her with cold water, and somehow, she could still stay smiling.
Tobio was unsure of her general identity, he remembered her face and recognised the ashy brown of her hair from high school.
“I’m so, so happy for you, Yui, I cannot bare to express... the.... relief, that bubbles in my stomach right now, and, I’m having a hard time comprehending that, this is the last time i’ll ever know you as.. “Michimiya” And... you deserve this, so much, you deserve to live this future to come, and I can only imagine, how, good.. Sawamura-san will treat you.”
She placed down the papers, looking down at the brunette girl, she looked her in the eyes, with a gentle, accepting smile on her face, as the girl in question had a mildly confused expression at her use of emphasis, but still managing her signature chipmunk grin at her previous underclassman.
Koushi looked at the small interaction from across, he admired her courage to look her in the eyes, as this is the last time she’ll ever be able to dream of holding Yui close.
Despite his very generally mild relationship with the ashy gray stranded girl, the boy couldn’t help but observe the look of acceptance in her eyes, and before the main couple even stepped into the church, the two looked at each other knowingly, understanding the pain with one, simple, look, as they primly sat in their chairs, where the ones who got away would soon sit in between them, hand in hand.
“How sickening.” The envious boy in the avenue muttered.
The black haired’s calm, sharp features tensed ever so slightly at the last few sentences, “You deserve this.” Was this his punishment for disobeying the word of the all right lord? Having to listen to a stranger force themselves to smile, Having to listen to them yearn for a different outcome? Maybe if he never sinned, maybe if he never bottled up his wrongdoings, he’d never have to wish on about the universe he could have lived in, a universe, where maybe, God didn’t exist, and wasn’t watching over his every move, and maybe he wasn’t hearing his every thought, and as the church fell silent, everyone bowing their heads and making a wish for the couple, Tobio turned up his head, looking directly at the cross, he made his final prayer.
“Please, make me normal.”
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