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Kaoru knew that he was being ridiculous…
It was an absurd concept, really… To be told by your boyfriend that he was leaving for America the very next morning and still expecting him to show up to your usual meeting spot of an abandoned diner in the dead of night as the winter chill set in.
Perhaps Kaoru just didn’t want to believe it, that after all the time they’d spent together, all the love they shared, Ainosuke was willing to throw it all away without so much as a day’s notice, without even bothering to end things between them…
Perhaps deep down, Kaoru wanted to believe that Ainosuke still loved him just as much as he loved Ainosuke. That this entire thing hadn’t been a figment of his imagination where he’d just been stringinging Ainosuke on for the ride.
Kaoru let out a sigh as he took a long drag from the cigarette perched between shaky fingers, hoping that the nicotine would at the very least serve to dull the aching pain and raging anger that burned in his chest. It didn’t, of course, but it was a small distraction nonetheless.
Everything just felt… Surreal.
Kaoru had woken up that morning happy, in love, with an incredible boyfriend… And now here he was.
Ainosuke had dropped the bomb that he was leaving out of the blue, when Kaoru and Kojiro earlier that day had finally mustered up the courage to get him alone outside the abandoned diner and talk to him, to share their mutual concerns about the way he skated, the way he hurt people, the way he had little regard for his own friends so long as they put up a good fight.
Kaoru had seen the way Ainosuke had changed over the past few years, witnessing him going from his and Kojiro’s closest friend to something unrecognisable. He’d become a creature that wore the face of his boyfriend and stopped at nothing in an attempt to ascend to godhood, to find someone who put up enough of a fight for the chance to become his equal.
Kaoru hadn’t expected Ainosuke to be so… Dismissive of their concerns.
Of course, Kojiro was oblivious to Kaoru and Ainosuke’s relationship, their rare displays of affection having manifested in silent, stolen kisses behind the graffiti-covered ramps in the dead of night whilst Kojiro was too busy perfecting his own skating skills with the rest of their peers to even notice their absence.
Ainosuke had insisted it was for the best to shroud their relationship in the shadows from the very beginning, and Kaoru hated to admit that he agreed. He wasn’t exactly oblivious to Ainosuke’s heritage, more specifically, his family’s prestige when it came to politics and the bright future that awaited Ainosuke in helping to lead the country.
A bright future that could crumble and be reduced to a pile of rubble in an instant if anybody ever found out about the two of them.
In the eyes of society, Kaoru and Ainosuke were wrong. Two boys daring to love each other, daring to show each other the affection and devotion that their very bones ached to feel..? It was too far, too much for the world to handle.
In politics, Ainosuke would quickly become overshadowed by his rivals, disregarded as a pervert trying to spread his own agenda rather than the bright, brilliant, charismatic mind that he truly was.
Kaoru couldn’t be responsible for that.
Kaoru couldn’t allow himself to contribute to the end of Ainosuke’s career before it had even begun, even if hiding something so significant from Kojiro felt wrong…
He wished he’d confronted Ainosuke alone, he wished that he had allowed himself to scream at Ainosuke, to wail and cry and plead with him to stay rather than having to keep everything bottled up in front of Kojiro for the sake of Ainosuke’s reputation. Perhaps then, Kaoru wouldn’t be sitting here shivering on the counter of the abandoned diner where he and Ainosuke regularly rendezvoused away from the prying eyes of the world, offering up his last shred of dignity by believing that Ainosuke was going to show up.
Perhaps then, Kaoru wouldn’t be convincing himself that Ainosuke was going to give him the goodbye that he deserved.
Would Ainosuke have even told them that he was leaving if they hadn’t asked to meet him..?
Would he have simply left Kaoru wondering what happened to the boy that he loved that disappeared off of the face of the earth without a trace?
Kaoru felt his very soul begin to wither at the mere thought of such cruelty from his boyfrien- Ex-Boyfriend. He quickly took another, final drag from his cigarette before stubbing it out beside him on the countertop, tossing the cigarette end to join the several others that had accumulated on the tiled floor. Kaoru wasn’t entirely sure how long he’d stayed sat there in the dimly moonlight-lit building. But he knew that he’d stopped counting how many he’d smoked after his fifth cigarette.
This was pathetic… Ainosuke clearly wouldn’t show. Why would he? When he didn’t even have the decency to tell Kaoru he was leaving in the first place. Clearly he didn’t care. Clearly he didn’t give a single fuck about Kaoru, or their relationship. Hell, maybe he never even loved him to begin with!
As the rage began to grow in Kaoru’s heart and he was finally about to give in to his own pride and call it a night, the loud, familiar sound of the rusty door behind him howled out in the silence, sending an icy chill through his veins.
Kaoru didn’t turn around at first, didn’t dare to let himself dream. He was smarter than this, he knew better than to believe that Ainosuke, the spineless coward, would show up. He knew better than to believe that he would ever see his stupid, handsome face gaze at him one last time as he uttered an apolog-
“Blossom…” Ainosuke’s voice came softly, a light tremble in his tone that Kaoru tried to convince himself that he imagined.
“You don’t get to call me that anymore.” Came Kaoru’s retort, harsher than intended but he couldn’t mask the anger and betrayal that bubbled in his chest. “You’re not exactly my boyfriend anymore, are you?”
Kaoru didn’t turn around, didn’t give Ainosuke the opportunity to look at him with those pretty red eyes that would surely hypnotise him into forgiveness. He wouldn’t give Ainosuke the satisfaction of seeing just how heartbroken he was.
“Blossom, don’t be like th-”
“I mean it! Don’t fucking call me that!” Kaoru snapped, feeling the bite of tears beginning to sting at his eyes as he kept them fixed on the grime-ridden tiles that adorned the wall in front of him.
There was a beat of silence before Ainosuke let out a soft, almost inaudible sigh. For one moment, Kaoru thought that he was going to leave, going to leave Kaoru to rot in his misery for good and leave whatever words he had to say unspoken forever.
But then came the cautious footsteps, growing louder as he crossed the threshold of the abandoned building. Kaoru felt his heart pounding harder with each one, silently pleading with his own body to take back the tears that were already brimming his eyes and threatening to slip down his cheeks.
There was a brief pause as the footsteps came to a stop behind him, and then, a zipper, the hesitant rustle of fabric… And before Kaoru could even open his mouth and demand to know what Ainosuke was doing, he was distracted by the warmth and weight of Ainosuke’s jacket being wrapped around his shoulders, shielding him from the chill in the night air.
Conflict swirled in Kaoru’s heart. Part of him was outraged at the sheer audacity of this boy. For Ainosuke to dare to commit such an act of affection when he was the one that was abandoning him. When Ainosuke was the one that was being so cold and demonstrating how little he thought of his and Kaoru’s relationship by not even doing him the courtesy of telling him that he was leaving?
Kaoru wanted to reject whatever attempt at a peace offering this was, to shrug off the jacket and give Ainosuke hell for daring to even think that such a small gesture would be enough to make up for what he was doing…
And yet… The lingering smell of Ainosuke’s aftershave on the jacket cut through all the noise, all the rage that had built up inside of Kaoru in the past few hours dulling as he breathed in the warm, earthy scent that he’d grown to love so much…
As much as he wanted to let loose on Ainosuke and shoo him away before he could get into Kaoru’s head, he knew that he’d regret it for the rest of his life if he never got the closure that he desperately needed. This would most likely be the last time he ever saw Ainosuke. The last time he would ever feel his comforting touch, ever feel the affection in every lingering gaze…
Kaoru wrapped the jacket around himself tighter in reluctant acceptance, letting out a broken sob despite how hard he tried to stifle it.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me.” Came Ainosuke’s voice once again in that gentle tone that was reserved exclusively for Kaoru.
The words lingered in the air between them, filling the space between the tense silence and Kaoru’s sniffles.
Ainosuke stepped forward to close the gap between the two of them, wrapping his arms around Kaoru’s shoulders as he pulled him closer, his chest pressing firmly against Kaoru’s back like his very life depended on holding onto Kaoru.
Perhaps if Kaoru wasn’t so heartbroken, he would’ve been stronger, would’ve maintained that anger that he felt and at the very least pulled himself out of Ainosuke’s hold to at least keep some semblance of a backbone. But all he could focus on right now was the fact that his world as he knew it was shattering.
And the only one who he wanted to hold him and let him break in their comforting arms was the very boy who had destroyed it.
“Please… Just… Stay. Tell me you don’t have to leave...” Kaoru pleaded after what felt like an eternity, hating the way he sounded so desperate and pathetic. He’d always hated being vulnerable in front of people, and right now, he felt as though he was bleeding out in front of Ainosuke, putting his very soul into the other man’s hands if it meant that he could keep him for just a little longer.
“I wish it was that simple, my blossom…” Ainosuke sighed.
Kaoru didn’t flinch at the pet name this time, allowing himself to bask in the last few dregs of affection that he most likely would ever get from Ainosuke, even if it felt as though he was being stabbed in the gut.
“Were you even going to tell me..?” Kaoru was afraid of the answer, but he needed to know. He needed to hear from Ainosuke’s own lips that he wasn’t as cruel and cold as his actions made him out to be. “Were you just going to leave without saying goodbye..?”
“...You make it sound so easy.” Ainosuke chuckled bitterly, burying his face in the crook of Kaoru’s neck and tightening his arms around him a miniscule amount.
The words only served to stoke the dull embers of anger in Kaoru’s heart, once again sending them into a blazing inferno that thundered through every vein and blood vessel in Kaoru’s body. Kaoru was quick to pull out of Ainosuke’s hold, turning around on the counter to face him with tear-streaked cheeks and gritted teeth.
“I don’t care if it’s easy or not, Adam!” Kaoru snapped, smacking Ainosuke’s hand away as he tried to reach out and brush a strand of hair out of Kaoru’s face. “I’d believe it’s common decency to end things with your boyfriend before jetting off to another country.”
To Kaoru’s surprise, Ainosuke was quick to avoid meeting his eyes, instead averting them to the pink strands of hair that tumbled over Kaoru’s shoulder as if trying to commit them to memory. Spineless coward.
“Well I’d like to see how you’d handle being in my position! It’s not easy for me, Kaoru! It’s not just about you! I’m leaving everyone and everything I know behind!”
“Really? Well, I’d love to know how long they’ve known about this.” Kaoru sneered, shaking his head as he jumped down from the counter and stepped closer to Ainosuke. Ainosuke scoffed, shaking his head.
“Don’t be like that. I’ve barely told anybody else.” Ainosuke muttered.
“What about Tadashi?”
Ainosuke’s eyes widened slightly. Of course, Kaoru had always had a pinch of jealousy when it came to Tadashi. How could he not? When Tadashi and Ainosuke practically spent every waking hour together, they even lived together in the Shindo mansion, living a life of domesticity that Kaoru could only dream of sharing with Ainosuke.
The worst part was, Kaoru couldn’t even bring himself to hate Tadashi if he tried. Tadashi was the only man that knew about Kaoru and Ainosuke’s relationship, and whilst he often voiced his concerns, he’d been nothing but supportive. Tadashi was kind, polite, if a little reserved, but he always treated Kaoru with respect…
“...That’s an unfair comparison and you know it is.”
“Go ahead. Tell me. How long has Tadashi known?” Kaoru insisted, narrowing his eyes at Ainosuke.
Ainosuke sighed, looking as though he was going to stay silent, but then he finally opened his mouth.
“Three months.”
Kaoru felt like his heart had been gouged out.
Three months. Three whole months, Tadashi had looked him in the eye, had spoken to him like nothing was wrong when he was fully aware of the heartbreak that awaited Kaoru.
“...And how long have you known?” Kaoru’s voice came out hollow, a hint of accusation in his tone as if he already knew the answer.
A flicker of guilt passed over Ainosuke’s features as he took a deep breath, seeming to mentally prepare himself for Kaoru’s reaction.
“...My father and I discussed it as a possibility a year ago, but nothing was set in stone until six months ago.”
Kaoru could only stare at Ainosuke, his heart seizing in his chest as the colour drained from his face. Six whole months, Ainosuke had held Kaoru in his arms, kissed his lips, whispered his tender words in the dead of night, knowing that it would all be over in a few months… And he didn’t even have the balls to tell Kaoru until the last minute.
“Six months… You had six months to tell me..?” Kaoru’s throat ached with the sheer effort that it took to force the words from his mouth, his head swirling with an uncharacteristic animosity that had him considering ripping Ainosuke’s throat out with his bare teeth.
Ainosuke avoided Kaoru’s gaze once again, instead opting to become very interested in the thick layer of dust that had accumulated on the various knick-knacks that littered the diner walls.
“I wanted to tell you, Blossom. I couldn’t-”
“Bullshit! You’re a fucking liar!” Kaoru cut Ainosuke off. He had reached his boiling point, every single ache he’d felt since hearing that Ainosuke was leaving, every single white-hot rush of anger was beginning to manifest itself in the harsh words that erupted from his lips.
“Kao-”
“You were never going to tell me, were you?! You were just going to leave me here! You were just going to fucking abandon me without saying goodbye!” Kaoru stepped towards Ainosuke with a murderous glint in his tear-filled eyes, jabbing a finger into his chest accusingly. “You were just going to leave me wondering where you went, huh? Or leave Tadashi to do your dirty work for you!”
“I wouldn-”
“No wonder your mother left! Maybe she knew all along the spineless coward that you’d grow up to be!” The harsh words were bellowed into the frigid night’s air before Kaoru could stop himself.
A loud slap echoed throughout the abandoned diner as Ainosuke struck Kaoru around the face harshly, his cheek stinging with the sheer force of Ainosuke’s slap.
Time seemed to freeze around the two of them as the gravity of Ainosuke’s impulsive action weighed heavy in the air, seeming to compress and suffocate both of them in an unrelenting pressure that left it near impossible to draw a breath that wasn’t a desperate gasp.
For a brief moment, in Kaoru’s delusional mind, he told himself that he saw a flash of guilt cross over Ainosuke’s features, told himself that the boy that he had fallen in love with would never raise his hand to him without at least feeling some sense of remorse about it… But as quickly as Kaoru saw that flicker of shame behind Ainosuke’s eyes, the blue-haired boy averted his gaze to the weathered floor tiles beneath them as his fists clenched at his sides.
“Don’t… Don’t talk about her…” Ainosuke’s voice came out quiet, laden with an emotion that Kaoru couldn’t quite put his finger on.
For a second, Kaoru’s anger was replaced with his own sense of shame.
Flashes of that night filled Kaoru’s mind, the night that Ainosuke had entrusted Kaoru with a part of him, of his childhood that he hadn’t dared to share with anybody else lest they see him as a human rather than the skateboarding god act that he put on.
It had been a long night. One that had been spent skateboarding, laughing amongst themselves and drinking wine stolen from Kojiro’s parents’ collection with their shared company until the early hours of the morning. One by one, their party had peeled off, until Kaoru and Ainosuke sat beneath that overpass alone, gazing out into the moonlit ocean as a single lit cigarette exchanged hands with lingering touches.
Something about Ainosuke had been different that night. Despite the laughter, despite the wide smiles and shameless showcase of skateboard skills, Kaoru could see it as clear as day.
Ainosuke had been lonely, even in company.
It had been the little details that Kaoru had managed to pick up on that night. The way Ainosuke’s smile faltered ever so slightly whenever he thought nobody was watching, the silent longing in his eyes as he watched Kaoru and Kojiro playfully bicker, the way his touch lingered on Kaoru for a second longer than either of them dared to showcase in front of their peers lest they find out about their obscured relationship…
So when the two of them found themselves alone that night, it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Kaoru when Ainosuke interrupted their comfortable silence with an invitation that he knew he shouldn’t dare to extend.
An invitation for Kaoru to come home with him.
Being teenagers in a secret relationship, Kaoru and Ainosuke had been no strangers to nights spent in love hotels together. After all, Kaoru’s parents were always home and the staff in Ainosuke’s house worked 24/7, always milling about the hallways in the dead of night.
But love hotels were one thing, this was different.
Ainosuke’s need for companionship and comfort had won over the risks of getting caught.
And so, Kaoru had found himself being led through long, lavishly decorated corridors, their shared clumsy, drunken footsteps echoing through the air in a way that made them sound ten times louder. At any moment, Kaoru had been convinced that some maid or butler would round the corner any second, would catch Ainosuke in the act of sneaking his boyfriend into his bedroom and put an end to their evening… To them. Full stop.
But instead, a strong, gentle hand grabbed Kaoru’s wrist, a genuine grin plastered on Ainosuke’s face as he led him through one final door and into the sanctuary of his bedroom.
Kaoru had barely had time to take in the decor of Ainosuke’s room before his boyfriend’s lips had descended upon his, but he remembered just how bare it felt… A room more fitting for a hotel guest than a teenage boy.
And as the two of them lay there, basking in the afterglow of their intimacy, Ainosuke had held Kaoru close, threading fingers through long, pink locks as the words tumbled out of his mouth.
Ainosuke spoke of his mother leaving, of the coldness of his father, of the expectations of his future and how his fate had already been decided for him… It was a vulnerable side of Ainosuke, one that Kaoru had convinced himself didn’t exist until that very night he poured his heart out to him.
It had been an honour to Kaoru, knowing that this was most likely the first time Ainosuke had spoken to anybody about all of these thoughts, all of these fears that thrashed about in his head like a storm-ridden ocean. He had reached out to Kaoru for salvation, to be the calm in the storm that threatened to consume him, and Kaoru happily met him halfway.
Kaoru had cupped his face, had kissed him softly as he uttered his own words of affirmation, thanking him for entrusting him with something so personal, vowing that he would take his words to his grave.
Ainosuke had trusted Kaoru. Ainosuke had trusted someone for the first time in his life…
And Kaoru had betrayed that trust, had twisted his burdens into a weapon in his anger.
Kaoru wished he could justify it, that Ainosuke leaving him warranted such a cruel retort, but even he knew that the two things were incomparable.
“I’m sorry.”
To Kaoru’s surprise, Ainosuke was the first to breach the tense silence that had settled between them with a muttered apology. Finally, Ainosuke managed to meet Kaoru’s gaze, and for the first time that day, Kaoru could see the deep, all consuming sadness behind them as tears brimmed in his crimson eyes.
From that look alone, Kaoru finally understood. The heartbreak on Ainosuke’s face mirrored his own, the pain reflecting back at him in a way that he didn’t even think Ainosuke was capable of. Ainosuke had been avoiding this, avoiding the argument, avoiding seeing Kaoru in pain that he himself had inflicted upon him, avoiding being the one to break Kaoru’s heart until he had to.
“I wanted us to make the most of the time we had without an expiration date looming over us.” Ainosuke muttered, reaching out to Kaoru and tracing his fingers over the sore red flesh there in an apologetic gesture. “I thought… I thought I was doing what was best for us… For both of us.”
“I shouldn’t have said that.” Kaoru muttered after a few moments, reluctantly leaning into Ainosuke’s touch. “I’m sorry. I… I’m so sorry, Ainosuke… I-I just… Assumed that…”
Ainosuke gave Kaoru a weak smile despite the way the tears threatened to spill down his cheeks, putting on a futile attempt at a brave face which only served to make the moment even more bittersweet. Kaoru pretended not to notice the way his hand was trembling as it held his face so tenderly.
“I forgive you… I don’t think I could hold a grudge against you if I tried.”
The words came out near-inaudible as a stray tear finally freed itself and ran down Ainosuke’s cheek. Kaoru reached his hand out hesitantly, his dainty fingers gently wiping the tear away. But as soon as the tear was gone, another took its place as Ainosuke finally let go of the dam that was holding back all of his emotions for the sake of trying to make this easier for both of them.
Kaoru had never seen Ainosuke cry before, even when he’d laid his soul bare to Kaoru, he’d simply stared at the ceiling, stonefaced and emotionless. And now Kaoru understood why. Emotions were hard for Ainosuke after years of being punished for having them. It was easier to detach himself, to pretend that his experiences had no true impact on him.
But now, he was leaving. Now, he was moving to a strange place, leaving behind everyone who had ever cared about him, leaving behind his first love… There was only so much detachment that a person could take before the burden of keeping up appearances shattered them completely.
“I love-”
“D-Don’t…” Ainosuke was quick to cut Kaoru off, shaking his head as he gazed down at Kaoru, tears now freely flowing down his face as he swallowed back a sob. “Just… Never tell a man that you love him after he hit you. Promise me that, blossom…”
Kaoru tried his best to shove down the nausea in the pit of his stomach at the implication, that one day Kaoru would move on, that one day he would find another man that he loved who wasn’t Ainosuke… One day, Ainosuke would do the same, and they would be rendered to nothing more than an anecdote of their first love told to their children.
Kaoru cupped Ainosuke’s face with both hands, pulling him closer as he gazed into those beautiful crimson eyes one last time.
“I love you, Ainosuke. I forgive you.”
With that, Kaoru pulled him down into one final kiss, their tears mingling together on their cheeks as they crashed their lips together with a newfound desperation. There was an unspoken want, a need to memorialise their relationship, to engrain the other’s lips against their own lest they forget what it felt to be loved.
Perhaps Kaoru never got his verbal goodbye, but this was… Enough.
Knowing that Ainosuke was leaving, still hopelessly in love with him, that no matter how things ended between them, they left their relationship with an evenly split heart.
That was enough.
“I love you too.”