Chapter Text
Dennis is on the roof
He just let another patient die, this time a 27 year old firefighter, someone who saved people every single day. He took them away from the world with his incompetence.
Robby had tried telling him that it wasn't his fault, the patient hadn't responded at all to any of the live-saving procedures they attempted.
But Dennis didn't see it that way. Not at all. He knew it was his fault, he was going to be the reason that a fire next week wouldn't have enough firefighters to save the whole family. He was going to be the reason that a child has to grow up without their parents-
And oh. That's a funny thought. Dennis hadn't spoken to his parents for years before they'd died. He had come out as queer before leaving for college and was ordered to never contact them again, not that they had been very present in his life before then either, but Dennis didn't mind. At least, not at first.
He had learnt a lot from his childhood. About taking care of himself. About never asking for more than what he was given. About how to take care of others. About how to go without. But even while living with his parents, he had a roof over his head most nights, he couldn't say the same for once he made it to Pittsburgh.
-
As a student, he'd slept wherever he was allowed to. He knew when which librarian would be on shift at his local library on which day and who amongst them wouldn't mind if he took a nap. It was while at this library that he'd found his reason to switch his career path.
"Ill be taking these, thank you Deni," Robby smiled, his eyes crinkling as he bowed his head to the slightly younger woman.
Dennis had felt himself stir awake from where he was sleeping on one of the beanbags in the corner. He'd winced as he opened his eyes, having a persistent headache, most likely due to a lack of water, but he couldn't really fix that right then. He could've sworn he was back home again, being acknowledged for the first time in his life after telling his parents his plan to get a theology degree. His mother had called him "Denny" and he had felt happy with himself for once, validated in his choices but of course, he'd then ruined that by admitting his other secret. He'd tuned in to the conversation happening at the counter instead of dwelling on that for too long, he hadn't wanted his headache to get worse.
"Ah! Its no problem, Dr. Robinavich, you know we all love you here," she replied quickly, nerves doing most of the talking. Robby had been a regular at this library, it was close enough to the hospital as well as his house that he felt comfortable walking there, and the librarians all seemed to love him, which was always a bonus.
"You know I told you to call me Robby, Denise," he chuckled, amused by the woman's behaviour. She almost reminded him of a younger him in a way, so eager to please.
It was then that she noticed that Dennis had stirred awake and she glanced at him worriedly. She bit her lip, debating whether to bring him up but Robby had already decided for her, turning around and spotting Dennis still half-curled up on the beanbag. His hair was a mess, his skin was pale, he was way too thin and he had deep eyebags under his eyes that were currently staring at him.
"Who's this?" He asked, turning back to Deni with a small grimace on his face, trying to quiet down so that Dennis couldn't hear him.
"His name's Dennis, I think he's a student nearby based on the books he reads but.. he doesn't really come here to read much, we usually let him crash in an empty corner, or well, I do, I wish there was something more I could do for him but.." Deni explained, trailing off when the words became hard to profess.
"I see.. so you don't think he has anywhere else to stay?" Robby asked, already somewhat knowing the answer but it was better to ask than assume, Adamson often said that.
"No, no I don't.." she answered, a frown pulling at her lips.
Just then, Dennis tried to stand up and leave quietly before he could be questioned by this random man (that never ended well), but his vision went black and he toppled over, thankfully back onto the beanbag.
"Hey!" Robby called out, jogging over to the younger man.
Dennis groaned and rubbed his eyes until he felt stable enough to try standing again, beginning to walk slowly past the man and try to leave. Robby caught his wrist and Dennis panicked.
"Hey, get off of me!" He'd whisper-shouted, somehow remembering he was in a library despite it all.
Robby had let go as if the touch burned him. "Okay, okay, just please, I'm a doctor, let me help you?" He'd pleaded. Looking the man in the eyes.
Dennis tilted his head up, "Fine. But just know that I cannot go to the hospital. Even if I have cancer. I cannot go." Maybe it had been bit morbid but it definitely got the point across. Dennis had talked to far too many "well meaning" people who had brought him to the emergency room, only for him to be kept there like a lab rat and poked and prodded before being released with no answers and a constant reminder of medical bills he would never pay.
Robby nodded, getting Dennis to sit down again and beginning his exam. "When is the last time you ate or drank?" He asked, only half-expecting the calculating silence he got in response. He waited for a minute before going to speak- only to be cut off.
"Ate, was probably the banana yesterday? And drank.. well I managed to get a free beer from someone 2 days ago but if that doesn't count.. hm, I cant remember, sorry" he detailed, making Robby even more concerned about the younger man.
"Shit, kid, you know that's not okay, right?" He blurted, before realising that yeah, Dennis probably knew that this wasn't healthy, but what choice did he have?
"I'm not going to dignify that with a response," he deadpanned, a faint smirk pulling on the corner of his lips. He hadn't been offended at all but seeing the stranger falter under his words gave him a rush of something he hadn't felt in so long at that point- power. So damn him if he didn't take advantage a little.
"That's fair," Robby replied, an embarrassed flush spreading over his cheeks. He really hadn't meant to say anything like that but something about this person who he didn't even know made him want to protect him at all costs. Even against himself.
"Alright, you seem fine but.. you should come with me, let me buy you something to eat and drink, Dennis," he continued, his eyes crinkling once more as a smile crept onto his face.
For a moment, Dennis had thought that he would follow this man blindly no matter what he asked, then he snapped himself out of that stupidity and shook his head.
"I'm not going anywhere with you, I don't even know your name," he'd glared, almost offended that the other man thought he could be that dumb.
"Uh, I realise that might've come off wrong or-" Robby stuttered, something he hadn't done for a long time.
"I didn't think you were flirting with me old man, I thought you were trying to lure me out to kill me or something," Dennis drawled, his eyes conveying his bemusement.
"No, no no- Of course not, I just want to help you any way I can," he blurted, a blush overcoming his features.
"Relax, stranger, I don't believe you could hurt a fly if you tried," Dennis smirked, giggling a little at Robby's exasperated face. It was funny, okay?
"So is that a yes on letting me buy you a meal?" Robby had asked, hopeful eyes meeting Dennis's and he was powerless in his reply.
"Yes," He'd agreed, smiling up at him.
-
Dennis guesses that decision might've been the best or worst of his life. If he hadn't gone, who knows whether he would've ended up where he was today, although was that really a good thing? That he now had the power to hold lives in his hands? Why didn't he just become a fucking reverend and make his parents happy again. Now they're dead, just like his patient and its all his fault.
He steps closer to the barrier.
-
The diner Robby had taken him to was bright and Dennis could feel his headache worsen as he stepped through the door. He'd tried to ignore it though, the promise of an actual meal being too enticing.
They'd made their way to a table and sat down opposite each other. In another timeline, maybe they were on a date at this point, laughing and sharing a milkshake as if they were teenagers. But in this timeline, Dennis was in his twenties, homeless, surviving somehow and sitting with a well-meaning stranger who didn't know anything about him.
"So uh, Deni- Denise said she thought you were a student, what are you studying?" Robby asked, trying to break the tension that was slowly simmering in the air.
"Theology," Dennis had forced out from around the lump in his throat. He hated talking about his major. Don't misunderstand, he'd enjoyed his college, if only because it had given him somewhere to be during the day, and the lectures weren't that bad. He was excelling in all aspects of it but- was this really what he wanted to do? Did he want to preach something he wasn't sure that he had ever believed in? His parents had believed, maybe more than most, his brothers had too, and Dennis had gone to church and tried his hardest to pay attention and truly put his faith in His word, but it hadn't ever stuck.
He sometimes wondered if that was why his parents were so distant from him- or maybe that had stemmed from his affinity for his mother's makeup bag.
"Oh, that's, interesting," Robby had replied, trying to smile but it was hard to miss the grimace on the kid's face as he had answered.
"Hm," was all that came from Dennis in reply.
"I'm a Doctor- or well I told you that already," he blushed before continuing,
"I studied biology and then pre med and so on- I wasn't sure if I loved it at first either, you know? But I kept on going and one day, I met this man who became my mentor, he's great, I'm sure you two would get along, even if only because he seems to get on with everybody," he'd smiled, his overwhelming adoration evident in how he talked about the man.
"I just-" Dennis had begun, cutting himself off quickly as he'd realised that he was about to share something with a stranger that he hadn't told anybody. Or maybe he hadn't had anyone to tell.
Robby had looked at him with these eyes that seemed to carry the weight of the world but in a way that almost screamed "I want to carry this for you too." And once again, Dennis was powerless in his reply.
"I don't know why I'm even studying theology, I've never believed in any religion- and I don't want to either, I just wanted to make my parents proud of me, make them see me, but that didn't work out in the end anyways. I want to help people, like I used to back home. In school, I loved everything to do with science, the school lab was my safe space, but I especially loved biology. I used to hang out in the nurses office and watch as she treated anyone who came in, always knowing the right thing to do to help them. It felt like magic. She gave me these books to read when she wasn't there and I'd go sit in the lab when nobody was looking and just read and read all about these different illnesses, how they'd present and how to treat them. I read up on everything- from broken bones, cuts, blunt force injuries, almost every known illness, disease, infection, just everything that had been put in her medical textbooks," he paused to catch his breath, not daring to look at Robby yet. He needed to get this off of his chest.
"My parents hated doctors, or maybe they didn't see a need for them. If I or my brothers got hurt or sick, no matter how bad, they'd tell us that God would fix us, and if he didn't, then clearly we were sinners," Dennis ignored Robby's sharp intake of breath, continuing with his confession.
"I ended up 'fixing' my brothers quite a lot, actually. They were all older than me but I was the only person in their proximity who knew how to do it, or I knew enough. I really wanted to be a doctor, I just.. all of the years of not being any more than a spec of dirt in my parents mind, I wanted to do something that they would have wanted me to. But, they had already declared that I would be a sinner in their minds and.. I guess I confirmed it." He finished, looking up at the older man.
"Shit," he'd whispered, feeling an intense sorrow seep into his bones and nestle there. It wasn't new in a way, he carried things for his patients every day, but for some reason it had felt different with Dennis. It felt like he wanted to keep it, shield the man from anything else the world might throw at him. But he couldn't do that, not really. What he could do was call the server's attention and ask Dennis what he wanted.
"Oh I uhm-" He'd glanced at the menu, eyes frantically looking for the cheapest option before Robby stopped him.
"Kid, I make more than enough money, please just pick whatever you want, you deserve it," he'd said.
"Could I have the cheeseburger, with fries and a uh water?" He asked, almost wondering if that would be too much for his stomach to handle.
"Of course, sweetie, and for you, sir?" The server had grinned, seemingly unaware of the situation at the table prior to being called over.
Robby had ordered and now they were sitting in uncomfortable silence once again.
He took a moment to really look at Dennis, shivering in his seat, wearing clothes that couldn't quite fit him, living a life he didn't want to when he seemed so passionate about a different field- Robby had to do something, he couldn't forgive himself if he didn't.
"You should become a doctor," he started, getting a wary glance in return.
"What?" Dennis had asked, almost dumbly. He had been telling himself every day how much he wished he could do medicine but that he couldn't do it, of course.
"It wouldn't be easy, trust me, but I can see how much you want this, please don't spend your life trying to impress people who don't care about you. You deserve so much more than that." Robby finished, his eyes glistening. He just cared so much about this young man. I mean, he saw people die, people in terrible situations every single day but for some reason, it just felt different when he looked at Dennis.
"I'm in so much debt already.. What can I even do at this point?" Dennis mumbled in reply, he wanted this so terribly bad. It may have been all he wanted. But, there were still obstacles and he wasn't ever that good at putting up a fight.
They talked for a while longer, eating their food when it came, and Robby explained all the pathways he could take into medicine and how to deal with the debt. He was almost excited, he was going to be able to make a real difference in someone's life (as if he doesn't do that every day at the hospital..).
They left, and Robby walked with Dennis for a while before they ended up outside a shelter.
"I'll uh, probably stay here for tonight.." Dennis spoke, shocking Robby out of his head.
"Oh, right, okay, thank you for letting me take care of you, Dennis, stay safe. I'm sorry there isn't anything more I could do," he replied, looking into the younger man's tired eyes.
"Hm.. thank you again for the meal, I'll try, Dr. Robby," Dennis smiled, turning away and walking to the shelter doors.
"Wait! I hope I see you on your ED rotation, Dennis!" Robby shouted, earning a nod before the door shut behind him.
-
As Dennis thinks back on that night, the wind blows on his face from his place behind the barrier. It's cold, and strangely refreshing which is unusual in and of itself as he has always hated the cold.
He got too used to it on the streets and by the time he was off of them, he'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be warm. Though Trin was helping him with that now.
Trinity. He's still so thankful for her. Distantly, his thoughts wonder if she might blame herself for this, but he shoos them away quickly, instead focusing on Dr Robby.
When he had started his rotations, he had no clue what hospital Robby would be in and thus had no way to prepare for when he walked in on his first day and saw him. The man who had practically saved his life was just there.
And Robby didn't even recognise him.
He tried to pretend that was okay, I mean, yeah, he wouldn't be here today without him but, did that really matter? All he had to do was get through it and he'd never have to look Dr. Robby, who had somehow become hotter since their last interaction and, who won't stop touching him, in the eye ever again.
If anything, maybe Dennis was glad. This way, no one knew his secret, of course Trin had found out, but that was better than the whole hospital.
Okay, fine, it was increasingly hard to ignore the touching and the caring from Robby, but what was he supposed to do about it? He just found out the man is married. Married.
Like, married-married, ring on his finger that wasn't there before, stories about his wedding-
And even worse, his husband is hot too. And, though Dennis has only witnessed them a handful of times, he can tell they're perfect for each other. Even if their marriage was open, they wouldn't open it to him and that just makes him feel worse for crushing on admiring the couple.
Dennis looks up at the sky and just breathes for a moment before looking down at the ground that he would hit if he jumped right now. It calmed him in a way, this control. He couldn't control whether his patients died, despite his best efforts, but he could control whether or not he died.
Shit, no he couldn't do this. He still had people to help, he had Trinity now and as much as it ached to watch Robby and Abbot, he couldn't just disappoint them. What if Robby was the one who found him?
No, he couldn't think like that. Dennis took a step back, still on the wrong side of the barrier, and turned around just as he saw the door to the roof open and Robby come through it.
-
It was nearing the end of the shift and Robby was getting worried. Whitaker had disappeared after losing a patient and there hadn't been any time for him to see where he went. He decided to go ask Dana as she almost always knew everything.
"Hey, uhm, have you seen Whitaker?" Robby asked, his brow furrowed.
"Hm, I think I saw him go up the elevator, he's probably taken a trick out of your book and gone to the roof, you want me to go get him?" She smirked, though there was an underlying hint of worry that Robby could sense in her voice that made him similarly worried about Whitaker.
He shook his head, thanking her before walking in the direction of the elevator.
The truth was, Robby had a small soft spot (read:crush) on the kid. He was a very competent doctor, he had this charm to him that just pulled you in and he was cute.
Not that Robby would admit his feelings that to Whitaker, or anyone else for that matter- except for Jack, of course. Their marriage wasn't open per-se, but it wasn't sealed-shut either, is how he'd describe it. And either way, Jack had also admitted his own, albeit weaker, feelings for the younger man at the same time.
Regardless of that, Robby was very worried about him, his attempts at providing the same comfort that he had received during Pittfest, that nightmare of a shift, while having his breakdown silent reflection, definitely hadn't gotten through.
He didn't believe in "love at first sight" but he had experienced something similar when he locked eyes with Dennis Whitaker on his first day. It felt like everything had aligned for them to meet at that moment in their lives. But Whitaker was half his age, Robby was his boss and he didn't even know if the younger man was gay.
It was almost that "deja-vu" people sometimes describe in the cheesy soulmate stories Heather had shown him, like he had met Dennis before, in another life.
The elevator doors open as he finishes that thought and he makes his way out onto the roof, freezing at what he sees.
"Hey kid, I really wouldn't want to have to see your body down there, it'd be pretty rude- you know," Robby tries to employ the same tactics he uses on Jack, but they only really work when you know the person isn't going to jump- much less in front of you- he has none of those assurances with Dennis and that terrifies him.
"Oh, Robby, I'm so sorry, I should get back out on the floor, how long have I been up here..?" Dennis rambled, there were tear tracks that Robby could see on his face as he stepped closer to the other man, almost like he had been crying unconsciously.
There was something in the way Dennis had said his name that made Robby pause, he could almost feel that the younger man had been thinking about him before he arrived.
"You want to talk about it?" He asked, hoping his eyes didn't expose how much he needed the answer to be yes.