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It was a quiet afternoon on Hermitcraft, everyone busy doing their own things. There was going to be a meeting tonight, just general things and reminders for later on. Some people had stuff prepared to speak about, others were just there to hear those things.
Joel had something to say there, he was holding a summer party with everyone invited. It was kind of like a potluck, people were allowed to bring food, it was to bring everyone together. As he said when planning it.
But this wasn’t on Joel’s mind at the moment.
He was in his bathroom, on the floor with a razor in his right hand.
His left arm was covered in scars, some new, some older. He was crying.
What was he doing with his life? Why was he doing this? He should be doing something productive. But it was the only way to get all the self doubt out of his system.
Joel couldn’t help but feel like he was an awful person. The things he did, the people he killed in the life games. It wasn’t serious, everyone got over the series pretty easily, except him.
The latest series he just won, so why did he feel guilty about it? It was just him and Grian, and Grian had already won, so what was eating him alive about it?
He didn’t know, it felt like he never would know.
But he had to clean up fast. The meeting was in 45 minutes.
There were no bandages left, so he had to leave the new scars bare. He then checked his wardrobe for clothes.
They were all in the wash.
“No, no, no, no!” he shrieked.
All long sleeves and jumpers had been put in the washing basket he has been procrastinating doing.
All that was left were t-shirts and singlets, but Joel spotted one thing in his closet that would cover his wrists.
A Kimono. One with long sleeves.
It was perfect, he rushed into it and looked in the mirror.
He had massive eye bags and messy hair. He didn’t have the energy to fix any of it, he just had to go like this.
Joel headed over to the meeting area, which was right next to Xisuma’s house.
He said hi to the other hermits who had arrived early and chatted with them before Xisuma let them in.
Everyone came in at different times and soon, the whole table was filled with hermits.
But there was one person missing.
Etho.
And of course, the only seat left was next to Joel.
Etho rushed in five minutes late saying he was having trouble with some redstone, as usual. He sat down right next to Joel.
“You’re a bit late, huh?” Joel whispered to Etho.
“Can’t really help it, you know?” He whispered back.
Joel chuckled and then tuned into the meeting.
It was mostly normal stuff to begin with, notices, reminders. It kind of felt like homeroom at school for Joel.
Then, it was his turn to speak.
He headed up to the front, with Xisuma standing to the side.
“Okay, so as we can tell by how blummin’ hot it's getting, summer is on its way. And i thought, what better way to celebrate than a party!! Indoors WITH aircon! And amazing themed drinks made by yours truly! It’s about two weeks from now, if you can’t come just let me know! But hopefully everyone will be there!” He smiled through the whole speech.
Everyone clapped and Joel took a bow.
Then the claps stopped.
Everything went silent.
Joel was confused, but then realised.
His sleeves went down when he bowed. They saw everything.
Joel’s stomach flipped.
He ran. He didn’t know where.
He heard people shouting for him.
He didn’t stop.
Joel flew to his house, and ran up the stairs. He grabbed the stuff he needed. He left his comm at home. It was already blowing up with notfications.
Grian: JOEL COME BACK NOW.
XisumaVoid: Its not that bad i promise, we are all here for you.
Etho: Joel please come back.
He switched it off.
And grabbed a razor blade.
…
Joel was 1000 blocks east from his house. He went as far away as he could from everyone else. He soon found himself in a cherry blossom field near a waterfall.
He rested there. There was no way anyone could find him.
He pulled out the razor blade. It was still stained with blood from earlier.
“Why not.” He thought to himself
He started adding small cuts next to the ones from earlier, then moved on to his right wrist. Once that one was covered he started on his thigh. He was losing so much blood, but he just kept going.
This wasn’t enough for him. He grabbed out his flint and steel, and lit a small fire next to him. It spread around him and eventually to him. He let himself take damage until there was no more left to take.
Smallishbeans went up in Flames
Grian: what the fuck
Etho: does anyone know where his bed is?
XisumaVoid: he usually carries it around but i dont know this time
Etho: well can someone go to his house? If not then i’m already on my way there
Grian: you should do it, he trusts you more than anyone else
Joel woke up in his bed, he had to leave again. There was no way he would let anyone get him. He grabbed his spare elytra and tools, another blade, flint and steel. He ran out and flew into the sky, then heard a voice.
“JOEL!”
He turned.
It was Etho.
Etho was chasing after him.
How pathetic.
To think that the people on the server actually cared about them felt awful.
He kept flying.
Maybe he could go back to his spot from before, he had to find somewhere.
Etho was catching up to him, and Joel was running out of rockets. He started flying circles because he didn’t know where else to go. Then, he used his last one.
Etho caught up and pulled him into his arms.
“Joel please, come home, i don’t care-”
“LEAVE ME ALONE! NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW, THIS WAS MEANT FOR ME ONLY!”
Joel pulled himself out of Etho’s arm and let himself fall. Etho tried to catch him, but failed to.
Smallishbeans was doomed to fall by Etho
Grian: etho what the fuck
Etho: i had him in my arms and then he fell, he should be back at his house
Grian: already there.
Joel woke up and scrambled to get out of his room, but he was met with Grian instead.
“Joel, stay here.”
“NO LET ME, GO LET ME OUT!” He screamed.
“JOEL, PLEASE YOU HAVE TO STAY!”
Joel suddenly broke down into sobs, crying that he just wanted to be alone.
Grian held him through it all.
Etho came in a few minutes later, along with Xisuma.
They all sat around him, letting him cry out his feelings.
Joel finally finished his cries, and took a deep breath. He started to explain how he struggled with the aftermath of each life game, feeling like shit because he could have hurt so many people. Which is why he turned to harming himself to try and cope.
Grian was the first to speak. “Joel, look, I understand the life games can bring almost everyone on the verge of mania sometimes. But this isn’t good, if you are always feeling like this afterwards, maybe you should take a break? It’s okay to, you wouldn’t be the only who has. But just let me know if it ever gets to a point like this, okay?”
Etho spoke next. “Joel, I will always be around if you need anything. I care about you a lot, like, a lot a lot. And, I would love to be there for you if you wanted me too.”
Joel smiled. He hadn’t felt this loved in ages.
“Okay,” Xisuma started. “I think Etho might be right. Maybe he should stay with you for a bit so we know for sure you’re okay. Is that alright with you?”.
Joel nodded.
“Okay, Grian, let's give him some space for a bit.” X smiled.
Him and Grian headed out and then it was just Joel and Etho left, alone.
“What you said earlier, was that meant platonically, or, romantically?” Joel asked.
“It can be whatever you want.”
Joel blushed. Etho then gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“WHAT WAS THAT???” Joel shrieked.
“A kiss, do you not know what that is?” Etho smirked.
“Uh, of course I know what a kiss is, dumbass!”
“Then why don’t you kiss me back?”
Joel looked up at Etho. He slowly removed his mask, and tilted his head.
Joel kissed him.
And it was the best damn thing he had ever done.