Chapter Text
It was a stormy day, which always worsens Remus's joint pain and with that shortens his nerves. He hates these days. They are reminding him of his first transition; it was on a terrible stormy night, and he was locked in the wet basement alone. He was scared and didn't know why he was down there and why his father locked the door. He cried for his mother as the transition began, but his cries were unanswered. When he woke up again, it was still storming, and he screamed for his mother again, hoping to get an answer this time, but it took another hour for his father to open the basement door. He hated Storms.
Sirius hates them too. They remind him how he and Regulus would sleep next to each other to not feel so scared of the thunder and lightning. How his father came in his room and ripped them apart, pushed them down the stairs, opened the door to the garden, threw them on the wet grass and slammed the door shut. They stayed in the garden for the rest of the night. Both of them never complained again about being scared of the storm and they never slept next to each other again, too scared to be caught again and be screamed at and thrown out again, like Orion promised them.
Sirius was muttering; normally it isn't an issue for Remus to ignore it, but with two days before the full moon his senses are sharpened, and because of the stormy weather his joint pain was worse. To make it even more unpleasant, the memories of his anger after his first transition were as present as the day. So Remus tries to sit at his desk to do his homework and to ignore his anger, while Sirius walking through the whole dorm to clean for the third time today.
The music in the background was getting more irritating by the second, and his aching wrists and fingers weren't helping to write anything, but Remus tries to calm himself with drinking his tea. It didn't help, it got cold and wasn't at all comforting.
Sirius still muttered and started to dust the whole dorm again, while turning the music louder. Remus tried to breathe in and out, to tell himself it would bring nothing if he asked Sirius to stop, because he is not the problem; his sharpened senses and aching joints are. He tried to focus again on the essay before him, but thunder interrupted him. At the same time Sirius let his favourite mug fall down, that stood on his shelf. Remus snapped after trying to be calm for the entire day.
'Sirius, can you not fucking look at what you are doing! Are you really this fucking stupid, huh?" Sirius flinched at those words and looked at him with wide eyes. Remus waited for a response that normally would follow, but none came. Unfortunately, Remus didn't realise why and didn't stop yelling. He stood up and began to yell at Sirius again.
'I mean, it's clear that you never had to look out for things that are important to you, because you could just get a new one! You are so fucking selfish and always act like you never had to suffer consequences for your actions!" That was a lie, and deep down Remus knew that it was unfair to say something like this, but he was in pain and was angry and could finally let it all out.
'Got nothing to say, Sirius? Did you lose your fucking tongue, huh? Or are you fucking realising that not only you is affected by your actions?" That was a low blow, but Remus didn't care at that moment; he just wanted a response, someone who he could fight with.
Sirius took a step back as Remus got closer; he ripped his eyes from Remus and stared at the floor, saying nothing. He stood there like he was waiting for something.
Remus felt that something was off, this wasn't something that Sirius did, backing off an argument. But Remus didn't stop, he wanted an answer.
'Say something!"
"My apologies," Sirius whispered, still looking at the floor before him.
The broken-sounding apology took all of Remus's anger away and he finally realised what had happened. The entire morning Sirius tried to distract himself from the memories of his father yelling at Regulus and him, throwing them in the garden into the storm. He didn't do it to annoy him or because he just felt like it but to overtune his thoughts. Remus felt like a complete arsehole for snapping at him.
He took a step towards the boy before him and reached out to him. Sirius flinched at the raised hand but didn't try to escape the potential danger. Remus wanted to throw up. He had to get it together; otherwise, he would push Sirius deeper into his memories. So he spoke softly.
''Pads, I'm sorry; I shouldn't have yelled at you. I know that you didn't break my mug on purpose. We can repair it, and then everything is like it was before. Okay?''
Sirius finally looked at him, his eyes still a bit unfocused, but the nod showed that he heard him.
''Do you wanna go to bed ?" Remus asked carefully, not knowing what would help Sirius.
''Together?'' he asked him.
''Yeah''
''But he will find us' ,Sirus muttered , ''He will see it, curses us, will punish us''
''Nobody will punish us for it, Pads. We are safe here. I promise.'' Remus tries to calm him before he spiraled again. ''I have another idea, how do you feel about a bath?''
''Okay'' Sirius says in a unusal quite voice.
Remus offers him his hand with slower movements. Sirus takes it in the same manner. With that Remus turns to the bathroom they all share and made a warm bath for Sirus in hope it would help to calm him and bring comfort to the boy.
Sirius just akwardly stood behind Remus, it was obvious that he didn't know what to do or feel in this situation. He played with fingers and still tried to aviod eye contact as if he felt ashamed. Remus wanted to talk sense into the boy that he doesn't have to be ashamed and that if someone should feel ashamed that it's him. But he didn't, he knows it wouldn't help, he would only scare him more and that was something he wanted to avoid. He never wanted to hurt his favorite star.
When the bath was full Remus wanted to leave, to give Sirius some privasy, but he held him back. 'Can you stay with me?" asks Sirius. ''I don't want to be alone''
Remus looks him at him not sure what to say. He was sure he should go to avoid hurting Sirius more than he already did. Sirius eyes said something different, he looks pleading at him, like he was the only one who can pull him out of the suffering and like he forgot that he was the one who pushed him into it. And Remus felt himself getting weak and thought ; who am I to deny Sirius anything?
''Okay, i can stay'' he said.
So Sirius got into the bath and Remus lowered himself on to the floor next to the bathtub. Even though his joints protest. Neither spoke and the silence was heavy. Both had something that troubled them, but both didn't want to speak about it.
Remus felt like a horrible person for forgetting that Sirius was also affected by this kind of weather; he felt like his father, who was always looking for arguments with his mother. He felt like the monster that locked him in a fucking basement.
And Sirius felt like he was a burden and wanted to be swallowed by the bathtub. He hated that he was so sensitive on stormy days; he hated that he couldn't gain control over the memories. He didn't want to remember the yelling of his father or holding his shaking brother soaked by the rain in his arms.
So both suffered in silence in the small shared bathroom.
After some long minutes Sirius held his dripping hand, reaching Remus, quietly asking for his hand. Remus took it but couldn't bring himself to look at the other boy. Like he was scared that if he looked at Sirius he could physically hurt him.
''Remus?'' Sirius asked.
''Yeah?'' He answered.
'' Are you still mad?''
''No, I shouldn't have been in the first place.'' Remus looked at his smoke-grey eyes. He saw the hesitation in them. As Sirius feared to trust him.
He really was his father's son. Remus thought.
''I'm sorry,'' Sirius whispered.
''You don't have to apologise. I know that you didn't mean to annoy me or let the mug fall.'' He tried to reassure his favourite star.
''Still, I shouldn't have done it.'' Sirius argues quietly.
''Such things happen all the time, and that's part of life.'' Remus answered and fully turned to Sirius without letting his hand go.
'Okay.'
After some time, Remus's pain got worse, and Sirius was on the edge of falling asleep. So Remus stood up and said, 'Come, I think the bed is a better place to fall asleep.'
'Hmm, I'm coming.' With that, Sirus got out of the bathtub and quickly dried himself, while Remus left the bathroom and searched for the pieces of the broken mug to repair it.
Remus remembers what his mother always said when something broke 'When something can be fixed, fix it without anger, because it still works and when you can't fix it it has served it purpose so be thankful for the times you could use it.' and suddenly he felt some peace forming in his chest. He wasn't a broken monster, he just need to be repaired, like the mug.