Work Text:
Michael Kaiser understands the concept of unconditional love. He remembers the meaning of the term, he imagines what it is. But none of his favorite books give him a clue. Perhaps it’s something you can only understand through experience. But it’s too late.
***
Kaiser remembered that day well. One of the last days he and Ness spent together, as before. No more than two days remained before the match against PxG. They were sitting in the Blue Lock bathroom. He still found these Japanese showers strange. But the warm water in the pool (or whatever they call it?) was relaxing, and Kaiser sank into the water up to his neck. The accumulated stress of the past few weeks was taking its toll. Usually, he fell asleep long and heavily, but now he was overcome by drowsiness. Ness’s voice woke him from his doze.
“Hey”.
Kaiser opened his eyes. Ness was sitting on the edge. Absolutely naked. Kaiser had long been accustomed to the sight of his body. They often showered together. But now, half-asleep, the familiar image, shrouded in steam like a mist, took on new colors.
If he were a little paler, Ness would resemble a marble statue by a fountain. Wet curly hair brushed back, droplets of water on the muscles of his chest and thighs. It seemed he saw Ness’s beauty for the first time. It’s surprising how even and pale his skin is. Why had he never noticed this? And his muscles stood out more than his own.
Without noticing Kaiser’s lingering gaze, Ness carefully slid from the edge into the water. Now only his collarbones and shoulders were visible on the surface. Ness carelessly tilted his head towards him, and this angle favorably emphasized his prominent narrow chin and neat (almost cute, even) nose. Kaiser’s still clouded gaze got stuck on his lips. The cupid’s bow, the lower lip fuller than the upper. The same color as the tip of his member… (Yes, he noticed. But who would blame him? They really did shower together often. It’s impossible not to notice such things).
Ness’s mouth was slightly ajar, as if he wanted to say something. Hypnotized by the sight, Kaiser, without realizing it himself, approached so that there was no more than 20 centimeters between them. Kaiser couldn’t take his eyes off him, but Ness didn’t seem to notice. His eyes were closed.
Kaiser moved a little closer, splashing water. Ness opened his eyes. His face was very, very close. He held his breath and barely breathed. Ness had a bad habit of biting the corner of his lip when he was nervous, and he was doing it even now. His purple eyes were wide open and looking at him. Several freckles were scattered across Alexis’s face. How wonderfully clear his skin was, Kaiser couldn’t compare. It was the first time he had looked so closely at the face of someone he had seen every day for the past few years. It’s surprising how much one can miss. Michael had never known that Alexis had that dimple on his cheek. How strange. What was happening to him?
Kaiser was always embarrassed by the way Ness looked at him. There was so much adoration, understanding, and… Something else that Kaiser couldn’t name, but it gave him goosebumps. And now, he had that look again. Ness’s hot breath was felt even through the warm, humid air. Kaiser automatically licked his lips, and Ness’s gaze fixed on this spectacle. His thick eyebrows rose, his eyes became enormous. All he saw now were Ness’s dilated pupils. The freckles were hidden on Alexis’s reddened cheeks. Perhaps Kaiser was completely drowsy and imagined it, but Ness’s face was definitely slowly leaning towards him in response. Now there was no more than 10 centimeters between them. He could feel the other person’s breath trembling with impatience. But just moments before touching, Kaiser stopped.
This is wrong. This is, well, Ness… What’s so special about him? Why would I want to kiss him? Why would he want to kiss me? When did I ever allow that? Well, I mean, Ness was always there. Closer than anyone else. Michael wasn’t used to letting anyone get closer than arm’s length. Ness, however… Surprisingly, he didn’t cause such rejection.
But why would Ness want to kiss me? Why would anyone want to kiss me just like that?
He had people in his life with whom he relieved stress, but that was different. He barely knew most of them. They just came and went, and he forgot about them. In a couple of hours, you can’t learn much about a person. Especially about what a real piece of shit he is. But in a couple of years…
Sometimes paranoid thoughts visited Kaiser that Ness actually knew perfectly well what he was like, and was just waiting to gather enough compromising material, frame him, and show everyone that Michael Kaiser was just an empty shell in a beautiful wrapper. That Ness somehow learned the whole truth about him and deliberately imposed himself as a partner to then successfully disgrace him and take his place. Sometimes his glances were so understanding that they almost turned into sympathetic, and it was terribly annoying.
Pity. How dare he pity me? But more often there was admiration. Kaiser understood perfectly well that Ness was deeply attached to him. Of course, he tried so hard. Ness always looked at him with such genuine admiration, as if he were about to pounce on him. And now he was looking at him exactly the same way. Something in Kaiser’s soul demanded that he rush to meet him and finally allow Ness to pour out everything that had been stored within him for so long. Too long. He was almost ready.
The craving in Ness’s gaze was pushing him to the edge. But a sudden impulse switched him. A wave of disgust washed over him. Disgust with himself. No. This is wrong. This is not for him. Glances full of hatred, bitterness, and disappointment – that’s what’s for him. To hide the obvious expression of longing that appeared on his face, he turned away.
Kaiser could swear that a groan of disappointment had almost escaped Ness. Alexis always controlled his emotions poorly. For a moment, it seemed to him that Ness would break and kiss him anyway. A strange warm wave washed over him at this thought. It couldn’t be.
But Ness did nothing. He also turned away, trying in vain to hide his deeply reddened face, and began to mumble something.
“Sorry, I didn’t… misinterpret your actions.”
Damn it, now he voiced it. Ness bit his plump lower lip and moved away. He tried to hide his embarrassment, but Kaiser knew that his cheeks were not red from the heat in the room.
“Yeah.”
A strangely thoughtful state came over Kaiser. He threw his head back on the edge of the pool and stared at the ceiling. His peripheral vision informed him that Ness had submerged himself up to his ears in the water and continued to look at him, apparently deciding that Kaiser wouldn’t notice.
Strange. This was strange. After this, they left the shower room and never discussed what had happened.
***
The series of events was overwhelming. First, the match against PxG, then the awkward and unpleasant return to Germany, after which episodes of Kaiser’s life began to replace each other as if in fast-forward. Training, training, training. Lots and lots of training. Kaiser was angry, trained, and then angry again.
He saw how desperately Ness tried to talk to him about something clearly bothering him, but Michael ignored him time and again. He often caught himself snapping at Alexis for no reason. He knew he was wrong. He knew he was behaving unfairly towards him, but he couldn’t stop.
Surprisingly, their communication didn’t change much. Even though in the last League match Kaiser tried to push him away like a bothersome dog. Something still held them together, and Michael understood perfectly well that he wouldn’t get rid of it so easily. Disgusting.
When they were leaving the field after the last NEL match, someone caught up to him. It was still Ness. Always Ness. He decided not to look back. Ness stopped. His gaze burned through his back. He could almost feel it. Like Ness’s warm breath burning his shoulder blades.
With a heavy sigh, Kaiser turned around. Ness was just looking at him with that puppy-dog gaze, and in his eyes there was again something that made Michael’s insides twist.
No, not now, please. I don’t need your pity.
Ness didn’t seem to care whether Kaiser yelled at him now or not. He approached, determination appearing in his eyes. It seemed he wanted to say something, but the pause dragged on. At that moment, Kaiser again thought that he wanted to kiss him. His heart involuntarily began to beat in his chest.
But Ness stopped at the last moment.
***
A few days after returning from Japan, Michael Kaiser left for Spain. He needed to sort out a few matters regarding a transfer. The following weeks flew by almost unnoticed, but at the same time, he felt as if minutes were dragging on endlessly slowly. He could barely remember what he had done the day before. His brain seemed to fill with swirling tar, which drew him deeper and deeper, but at the same time served as fuel to move forward.
Then came the U-20 World Cup. Second place. The Spaniards took the gold. Not too bad. But for Kaiser, it was a real disgrace. Second again. To lose, and to whom – to his future Re Al teammates.
Communication with Ness and the others remained within the necessary limits for the team. Sometimes they talked, but not like before. Kaiser understood that he was building this wall brick by brick himself, but life was spinning so fast that it was impossible to stop.
If I look back, I’m done for.
The move to Spain went almost smoothly. Despite his many shortcomings, which he was well aware of, nostalgia was never among them. Just another place where I will live now. Another step. Loneliness was a familiar state, so he endured it relatively easily.
Re Al gifted him a new dose of competition. His mood worsened time and again. Without Ness’s observation, he drove himself to exhaustion with training. He ran until he was hoarse, lifted weights until he felt nauseous. He felt sick, and when he didn’t, his hands would automatically reach for his throat.
The makeup artists at numerous commercial shoots didn’t ask questions – they just covered up anything unnecessary after Kaiser gave them displeased glances. It’s okay, tolerable.
An invitation to the main German national team had been brewing for a long time. All that was needed was to prepare the ground before the official announcement. So he found himself in all possible collaborations. Poor Ness probably can’t even go to the store now without running into the eyes of his ex-comrade. In a couple of years, it will be even worse – Kaiser will look at him from cans of Pepsi and packs of chips.
They crossed paths a couple more times, but after that, he didn’t see Ness for months, or even years. They were inevitably called up to the national team. This separation came to him surprisingly easily, at least for a while. Ness, on the other hand, strove to communicate, until he also fell silent and Kaiser began to reply to him less often. Yes, Ness was indeed his only friend for a long time, but the freedom he granted him was burdensome.
It’s always easier alone.
***
That morning, he was woken up by a call. As it turned out later, not the first. He didn’t even immediately make out the name on the screen. And when he did, he frowned. Ness had actually called him. For the first time in several years. After agonizing moments of deliberation, he finally picked up the phone. Silence, broken, as always, by Ness’s enthusiastic voice.
“Kaiser? Can you hear me?”
It was hard not to hear. The holder of the surname “Kaiser” grimaced. For a moment, he desperately wished to have any other surname, but reality was harsh. Kaiser rubbed his eyes and decided to answer anyway:
“On the line.”
Ness laughed softly. It’s surprising, there are still people in this world who are happy to hear Kaiser’s voice in the morning. Most prefer not to make eye contact until 10, or even 11 o’clock.
“Yes, of course, it’s you.”
Ness’s voice sounded suspiciously cheerful. This was unsettling. Kaiser decided to quickly dispel his suspicions.
“Why did you call?”
Ness’s voice became slightly less pleased. That’s better.
“I wrote to you a month ago.”
Ah, yes. It seemed he had received a notification, but the message was so huge that he put off reading it. Apparently, for too long. After exchanging pleasantries (Kaiser mostly mumbled something in response because his brain was still trying to piece together Ness’s image in his head), Ness announced that he had a surprise, but what exactly it was – he would tell him in person. Michael didn’t like this very much. As long as it wasn’t a gift. However, he would have to return to Germany anyway in the near future and meet Ness face-to-face. Their World Cup preparations were about to begin.
The flight went well. He stayed at a hotel. To avoid any extra trouble, dinner was ordered directly to the room. There was a nice glass-enclosed balcony.
Ness arrived, as always, on time. Kaiser was already sitting at the table, nervously tapping his foot to some melody only he knew. When Ness entered the room, the restless foot had to be stilled. Silence enveloped the space.
Kaiser didn’t consider himself obliged to start this conversation. After all, this meeting was Ness’s initiative, so let him spill whatever urgent matter he had. Was he finally being bought by that English club that had been sending him invitations for the last two years?
“Mi… Kaiser! Good to see you!”
Kaiser couldn’t recall a time when Ness wasn’t happy to see him. Even that time when he got drunk for the first time and was hugging the toilet, and Michael walked in at the wrong time. Even then, Alexis tried to force a smile as soon as his gaze fell on Kaiser. With a nod, he invited his former teammate to join him at the table. Ness accepted the invitation, sat in his place, and began to look around. His gaze was captivated by the view of the night sky from the balcony. Of course, this room was worth every cent.
Kaiser’s foot under the table began to tap out an accelerated tempo. His patience was running out. What was the news Ness wanted to tell him? Without wasting any more time, he interrupted Ness’s contemplation and asked directly. The latter nodded enthusiastically and fidgeted. Rummaging in his pockets, Ness pulled out a small crimson velvet box.
Kaiser looked at it with suspicion. Was he going to propose? The thought paralyzed him for a second. Kaiser felt how unnaturally straight his back was as he sat the whole time. Not that the thought had never occurred to him.
Sometimes he really got the feeling that one day Ness would fall on one knee in front of him at the most unpredictable moment and make a grand declaration with fanfares and a proposal. In such moments, he thought that his plan had worked too well and surpassed all expectations to the point of becoming worrying. They had become too accustomed to each other’s company at some point. Ness took care of him like a mother (although Michael had no idea what that was like or what a mother should do). Their teammates often joked that Ness watched over his well-being like a loyal but jealous wife. No, that’s too much.
Ness opened the box. Inside were two rings. One was slightly smaller and more intricate. Was he going to give matching rings to celebrate their meeting? They looked quite expensive. Although Ness had once voiced a similar idea – to buy something matching, but Kaiser refused. First rule of the street: no trinkets.
Ness interrupted his stream of consciousness:
“I’m getting married at the end of May!”
He sounded so happy, even blushed. Kaiser felt his face fall. Okay, a gift wouldn’t have been so bad. He controlled his facial expressions quite well, so he easily returned to his impassive expression and put on a polite smile.
“To whom, may I ask?”
It sounded unnaturally polite. And who cares. It’s all better than what he actually felt.
“To my girlfriend,”
Ness’s voice sounded somewhat embarrassed. Kaiser felt his face turn into a wax mask.
“Congratulations…” he deliberately maintained a theatrical pause. He enjoyed watching Ness start to obviously nervous, waiting for his reaction, “Alexis.”
He relaxed and began to chatter incessantly. Kaiser didn’t even have the strength to stop him. The news slowly processed in his head.
“So, what do you say?”
Kaiser was lost in his thoughts.
Nightmare.
“What?”
Did I say that out loud?
“I don’t think I heard you. Could you repeat?” he himself was surprised by his own primness.
His back was still unnaturally straight. Why was he so nervous? It’s just Ness.
Alexis, it seemed, decided not to give up and to continue to finish him off with his statements. The next thing he blurted out was:
“Will you be my best man?”
So that’s it. Your best man. Your ASSISTANT. Me? Why me?
It was so strange. Most of their communication was handled by Ness, the go-between. Kaiser hadn’t been to many weddings. Only one, if that. But that was nothing but a drinking spree.
“You want me to… pick out tablecloths for you and carry the rings?”
Ness threw his hands up.
“Ah, no, of course not! Everything’s ready. But if you don’t mind, I’d really entrust the rings to you.”
Rings, huh. Someone was entrusting him with rings. It was laughable, considering how many wedding rings he’d pawned in his time. He could melt these down too. It would be enough for at least one more car. Though, why would he need that?
Sapphires, white gold. Wow. They’d probably match the color of her eyes. Ness always had a knack for noticing details.
They’d been served appetizers long ago, but neither of them had touched the food. Kaiser had managed to drink a glass of wine before Ness arrived. Now he toasted with a second and drank. When you’re drinking, at least you don’t have to talk. Something told him the evening wouldn’t be easy. The topic of building a family always caused a burning sensation in his stomach. Michael, in any case, didn’t understand it. He generally didn’t grasp the essence of marriage. Entering into some agreement to bind yourself within this social construct and hope for some state benefits. Utter nonsense.
Why would Ness need a wife?
Alexis, fortunately not hearing the thoughts in another person’s head, also took a sip of wine. Ah, yes, he preferred semi-sweet white, and this was dry red. Why do I even remember that?
Ness continued, “You’ll laugh, but she’s the daughter of the current owner of Berserk Dortmund.”
Kaiser was glad he hadn’t brought his glass to his lips. He truly did laugh. Or rather, he pretended to. He let out a chuckle. More like a snort. The daughter of the owner of the Bastards’ main competitor. Where on earth did he even meet her?
“Where did you find her?” Michael drawled in a syrupy voice.
After one question from Ness, he burst open like a dam. It seemed Ness didn’t notice the obvious venom seeping into his voice. Amazing. Before, he would have faltered, started to get flustered. Alexis, whom he knew, would have noticed the slightest hint of displeasure in Kaiser’s tone.
The information began to pour out of him in an endless stream. In a few minutes, it was revealed that the girl was 20 years old. A cute blonde. And rich. On the photos on Ness’s phone, they both looked so happy it was nauseating.
Of course, she’s happy. That girl hasn’t worked a day in her life, only vacationed and traveled to resorts. Her daddy probably gifted her mother a superjet when this little one was born. And now she’s also got the most loyal dog in Germany. Some people really do get everything in this life.
The stream of images before his eyes didn’t end. Ness with his fiancée against the backdrop of the ocean, them riding horses, them on a yacht, them in a restaurant, at the opera, at a concert… The girl wrapped her legs around Ness’s hips, he held her by the waist and kissed her against the backdrop of an old-fashioned Ferris wheel. How sweet.
In photos from Universal Studios in Japan, Kaiser felt like an old, long-healed ulcer was about to reopen. His hand instinctively reached for his glass.
“You went to Japan?”
The cursed place.
Ness, surprisingly, beamed. Oh, so you don’t have any unpleasant memories from a trip there since then? Magnificent. Michael noticed that his left hand had involuntarily gone to his neck and was gradually pressing down. Ness didn’t notice…
“Yes, she adores their culture and cuisine.”
Kaiser had no issues with the cuisine. They really did eat reasonably well there. As for everything else… Kaiser clenched his jaw and felt like his teeth were crumbling. Ness didn’t seem to notice. Amazing.
The tedious process of looking at photos didn’t end. Now, a new character appeared before Kaiser’s eyes.
“Do you have a dog?”
An Afghan Hound of a light color looked down arrogantly from the photo.
“She’s a bit mischievous. She’s not taking to training at all.”
The words barely escaped his throat. His voice had become hoarse.
“What’s her name?”
Kaiser realized he hadn’t even asked that. Ness didn’t immediately understand.
“Who, the dog?”
Kaiser barely refrained from rolling his eyes. After all, he was now the best man. Not that he had a choice, of course. It would be strange not to appear at this wedding. Or would it?
“Your fiancée.”
“Hella. Hella Liebig,” Ness blushed slightly.
Kaiser felt his eyes roll back. No fucking way. Ness had actually found himself a “drop-dead gorgeous” girl? What was wrong with him, damn it?! This wasn’t even funny anymore.
The conversation about someone else’s passion was starting to tire Kaiser out, but curiosity continued to gnaw at his mind. Where in the hell did he find her? How did she agree? I mean, did someone even notice him? He did remember that Ness sometimes received Valentine’s cards and gifts (not in the same quantity as Kaiser himself, of course), but he’d never been popular with women (unlike Kaiser himself). At least, as far as he knew.
He would stand there, taking church vows “in sickness and in health, till death do them part.” Ugh.
He couldn’t imagine Ness binding himself to some little blonde brat and then spending his whole life with her because he once vowed to do so. And then to have offspring who would live on and inherit the football club of their eternal rivals? Ugh. Disgusting. What was he even thinking when he made that proposal? But Kaiser knew that Ness would definitely do it and keep his vow. He was loyal to the bone.
If… if not… something stirred within his soul, giving rise to a pleasant thought of his own baseness. He could ruin it all. The thought was horrifying, but he damn well liked it. Yes, there was only one circumstance in this world that could distract him, right? This unfortunate girl hadn’t done anything to him, that’s true. It was always more fun to destroy those who entered into rivalry with him. He had no reason to fight with her… Except that she had encroached upon HIS property. Ness shouldn’t have done that. He’d already made a vow of loyalty once, hadn’t he?
Kaiser was sure he would never remember that episode in his life. A long time ago, about the first year of their collaboration, Ness had dug up a needle somewhere, pierced the little fingers on both of their left hands in the bathroom, took Kaiser’s hand, and delivered a solemn speech. Michael had also mumbled something (if this guy considered it important, why not, they weren’t about to cut veins, after all). After this “ritual,” Kaiser had gained complete control over Ness’s trust. Well, or so he thought.
Knights swore allegiance to their king and God first. Not to some ladies. That’s an abstraction. Ness knew that perfectly well.
His face was close again. He hadn’t changed much. Perhaps just small dark circles under his eyes from the flight. But Ness always slept little. And he looked even better now. It seemed she really did love him.
Gall rose in his throat. He could no longer hold it back. The wine, drunk on an empty stomach, only pushed it further. Didn’t Ness still notice? Taking another sip, Kaiser finally spoke. The tone was quite friendly (as he thought).
“Beautiful name,” Ness smiled shyly, “The girl herself is beautiful too. Congratulations, you deserve it.”
Kaiser emptied his glass and leaned back in his chair. Ness also took a sip of wine. Michael noted that the latter’s excitement had subsided. That was definitely better. He could begin his counterattack.
“Well, tell me, how is she?” Ness’s thick eyebrows furrowed slightly.
He asked cautiously, “How is she what?”
Kaiser shook his head and his empty glass in rhythm, as if implying such things didn’t need to be said aloud—a friend would understand.
“How is she ‘it’.”
Ness still didn’t get it. He set his glass aside.
“What ‘it’?”
The wine, hitting his head, emboldened Kaiser. His head felt light, and there was a lump in his throat. What nonsense. He wanted to play out this spectacle endlessly. The excitement that had left Ness now coursed through Kaiser’s veins.
“Sex, Alexis, sex,” pretending not to notice the complete bewilderment on Ness’s face, Kaiser deftly pulled out the cork from the bottle with his teeth and matter-of-factly poured himself a glass, almost spilling it on the table. Leaning over the fruit bowl, thus moving slightly closer to Ness, whose cheeks had a barely perceptible blush, he filled his glass too, despite it being half full. Ness bit his lip but didn’t hasten to answer. Kaiser decided to continue. Teasing him was always incredibly fun.
“Good old sex. The thing that literally makes us alive. The thing that brought us all into this world. You and me,” he raised his glass as if to show he was toasting Ness as well, and took a sip. A couple of drops of wine ended up outside his lips, and Michael licked them off his skin (making sure Ness would notice). Ness followed suit and, lowering his gaze to the table, took a small sip. Kaiser had always known that this was a sensitive topic for Ness. Which only made it more interesting to him. Watching Alexis’s reaction was very entertaining. So he wasn’t going to stop. After all, they were old friends. He had a right to know. Adopting the most casual demeanor, Michael continued his interrogation. He didn’t even have to feign curiosity. He was genuinely interested in knowing everything in detail.
“So, have you already, or are you waiting until the wedding night?” Kaiser tossed a couple of grapes into his mouth to cut the sour taste of the wine. But Ness’s embarrassment now felt much sweeter. All the former enthusiasm had vanished.
He himself wanted to tell me about his new passion. Did I ask him to? I’m just having a friendly conversation. As a true best man.
Ness finally answered. Kaiser noted peripherally that Alexis took another sip of wine before that. Michael himself pretended to meticulously clean his fingers of fruit juice with his tongue. Finally, he heard a voice from the other side of the table.
“No,” Ness’s voice sounded surprisingly firm. Kaiser stopped and looked at him. “We didn’t wait.”
It wasn’t that this information surprised him. It wasn’t that Kaiser imagined Ness to be some kind of saint. After all, they had both lived almost a quarter of a century. It was normal. Kaiser didn’t think Ness would dedicate his entire life to him, and on top of that, “wait” for him to hand over his whole self along with his virginity as a gift. Perhaps that had been true once, but those times were long gone. So now Kaiser smiled gently and patronizingly, partly hoping that his smile didn’t look like a grimace right now.
“Oh, I do hope you saved yourself for her, Alexis?” Ness blinked a few times. His scattered laughter could be heard.
“You ask interesting questions, but…” Ness tactfully decided not to mention that this side of his life was supposedly none of Kaiser’s business. “No.”
Kaiser smirked. What did “no” mean? “No, I didn’t save myself,” or “No, I won’t tell you about it.” Damn Ness. Before, he expressed himself extremely clearly and even in excessive detail. And to hell with him. Why should Michael care at all? There were more important things now.
Kaiser nodded with feigned understanding and, forming his fingers into a steeple, looked Ness straight in the eye. An impeccable weapon, it always worked. All that remained was to “pull the trigger.”
“But did she save herself for you?” He put on a pretense of concern and squinted slightly. “Beautiful girls are always restless. Parties, you know…” Kaiser swirled the remaining wine in his glass. It dripped down the sides in long drops.
You remember yourself.
The reaction exceeded all expectations. Ness’s face turned as red as the liquid in his glass.
“DON’T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!”
It seemed to be the first time Ness had shouted not for Kaiser, but at him. Michael was even taken aback. It was unexpected. But he wouldn’t be swayed by shouting. If only Ness had grabbed him by the hair and banged his head against this wonderful glass table a couple of times…
Instead of answering, Kaiser shrugged and plunged back into his glass to wash away the bitterness that had suddenly appeared on his tongue. Ness was clearly embarrassed by his outburst of anger. Once, such outbursts occurred under different circumstances. Oh well. Kaiser got what he wanted to know.
“It’s your business,” Kaiser pretended to surrender.
Excellent. This little Frau Dortmund had managed to brainwash him. How quickly.
At that moment, Ness seemed to read his thoughts:
“Mike".
Oh, what an address. I wonder where else I’m called that?
Ness continued, looking him straight in the eye:
“She hasn’t brainwashed me, believe me. I’m entering into marriage voluntarily,” there was a tremor in his voice. Sighing, he added, “Just like I followed you.”
Kaiser suddenly felt exposed. Had Ness always seen through him? Apparently, for a moment, he looked quite lonely and pathetic, because Ness blurted out:
“I still love you.”
But you’re not mine.
Ness said it so easily, it was surprising how he had carried it within him for years without ever voicing it. Kaiser suddenly realized he couldn’t control his facial expression. Because Ness’s own face was so bewildered, as if he hadn’t expected Kaiser to never suspect it.
Was it that simple? All this time, it had been that simple?
A disgustingly sweet and viscous feeling, clearly not caused by the wine, spread through his soul as if someone had suddenly turned on a broken music box with a beloved childhood melody. Kaiser felt his mouth twist.
Could he have always gotten this?
Kaiser himself didn’t understand why he had never figured it out. It was right there on the surface. Oh, so Ness was really in love with him? Yes, that explained a lot. But why? For what?
Why did you never say anything???
But something else spilled out of his mouth:
“Why did you suddenly decide to say it now?”
Ness looked at him with bewilderment.
“Did I need to tell you? I…” it took him a moment to draw breath to continue, “I tried to show it in every way possible except directly. I thought you… well, you’d get scared and leave me.” He laughed mirthlessly. “And that’s what happened anyway. One way or another, it seems to be fate,” Ness smoothed the hair on the back of his head. “So now it doesn’t make any sense. But I really always loved you. And believe me, I always will".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE? DAMN IT, IT MAKES HUGE SENSE.
YOU ARE MINE.
Ness decided not to end this execution.
“You always looked… so lonely. All this time I’ve watched you. Sometimes, when you don’t even notice, you look as if you’re constantly waiting for someone, but that person never comes.”
So he pitied him?
It seemed Ness caught the thought, as he immediately replied.
“But you never evoked pity in me. On the contrary. Your inner loneliness. It was as if it gave you a special strength. You could handle it. But, everyone needs someone by their side.”
Kaiser had nothing to reply.
“But you’re not mine. And you never will be mine. You’ll never be enough,” he shook his head. “You belong to no one, Michael.”
“I am forever yours, you are no one’s.”
Alexis’s face showed how long he had carried these words within him. Would he have never said them?
Just as easily as the confession he’d given earlier, Ness delivered his next blow.
“She loves me. She truly loves me. I feel it,” he smiled sadly somehow. As if the thought made him happy and brought him melancholy.
Kaiser already understood that he had absolutely no control over his facial expressions. He didn’t even want to know what expression he had on his face now. Anything but sadness. Disgusting. Disgusting.
“She…” Alexis fell silent.
“She loves me the way you never could,” that’s what he wanted to say.
“I think I love her too, but I’m not sure I can ever express it fully. Like… like…”
“Like I loved you.” Damn it, Alexis, stop being a coward, say it like it is! It’s no longer a secret to either of us.
But then why was Kaiser himself barely able to force out words? Fuck it!
“Then keep loving me!”
He understood how pathetic and childishly whiny his voice sounded now. He felt like a child again, whose only toy was being taken away. Unfair! Unfair!
“And was your life ever fair?” a voice in his head reasonably replied. Michael bit his lip. He probably looked like a grumpy marten right now. Even if he did, tactical Alexis wouldn’t tell him about it. After these words burst out, he looked at him with such infinite sadness and love that Michael wanted to disappear through the floor, just so no one would ever look at him like that again. No one would.
Alexis rubbed his forehead tiredly. This conversation wasn’t easy for him either. Why were they even talking about this after so many years? What was the point? He sighed.
“How unhappy must I be for you to be happy?” there was no accusation in his voice, only fatigue.
What does that have to do with anything? Now he was reproaching him? He admitted it himself. If he wants to take his words back, let him, what do I care?
How disgusting this all is. I am disgusting. Michael turned to the balcony.
“If I’m ruining your life, you could have said it much earlier.”
The fringe falling over his eyes successfully hid his face. His leg continued to tap out some frantic rhythm. A thought flashed at the edge of his consciousness—this was something from Grieg. Now he was definitely speaking like a resentful child, in front of whom a candy was waved and then thrown into the trash.
Alexis, it seemed, wasn’t going to spare him. Michael couldn’t see his eyes, but he knew what expression they held—the same as 10 years ago.
“You never made my life worse than it was before I met you.”
Nice to hear.
He didn’t even suspect he was capable of feeling such a storm of emotions. Joy. Longing. Resentment. Anger. Disgust. Pleading. Sadness. Jealousy. Grief. Loneliness. Hope. Self-pity. Fear.
He suddenly realized that he probably would never be loved by anyone in his life as much as Alexis once loved him. The thought made his soul feel so bitter. It seemed he was the only person who loved him unconditionally and faithfully. The only one who knew him for who he was and didn’t turn away. Even his parents didn’t bother. And he only realized all this now.
Kaiser rose from the table, still not looking at Ness. The darkness outside the balcony windows concealed his face. He felt an urge to press his forehead against the cold glass and hit his head against it a couple of times. I wonder if the window would hold?
Without turning around, he tossed, “Why did you say that?” Kaiser didn’t remember when his voice had last sounded so quiet and defeated. Perhaps that time, a few years ago, when he couldn’t score in the NEL finals.
The ensuing silence stretched his nerves and played them like a harp.
“You needed it, didn’t you?”
Kaiser didn’t have time to say anything. Alexis gently but firmly pulled him by the neck. His right hand landed precisely on the rose tattoo. Alexis’s lips pressed against his own—tightly shut. They patiently moved, opening the other’s. It became harder to resist. The temptation to give in was too great. Prey snatched from another’s jaws is always sweeter. In this movement was everything: an attempt to prolong the longed-for moment, barely suppressed passion, and a mad tenderness turning into desire. His left hand landed on Michael’s waist. Weightless for just a second — it immediately clutched him greedily.
Alexis no longer held back, a moan escaped his chest as his tongue touched Michael’s. His right hand fluttered and plunged into his hair, gently stroking it. Alexis pressed his entire body against him, and a faded memory of that episode in the pool years ago immediately flashed in his mind. Somewhere at the edge of consciousness, Michael regretted that they hadn’t done anything then. Now he would give anything to be in a similar situation, when they were both relaxed and unclothed. Perhaps the opportunity would still arise. Unable to contain his curiosity, he placed his hand on his “partner’s” stomach, beneath which, as he knew perfectly well, a strong press was hidden. Alexis moaned again directly into the kiss. The temptation to tease him further was extremely great.
But after your “answer,” Lexi, I’ll save that for another time.
If there had been a wall behind Michael, Alexis would have surely pressed him against it. It was amazing how much strength was in his body. Sometimes Michael was truly curious about what his “loyal ally” was like in action, but it never went beyond his thoughts. He simply didn’t allow it. But now Alexis was kissing him roughly, desperately. The first and last kiss, marred by the realization of duty and obligations. “The chains of marriage will bind no less than the strong chains of law,” a quote from some book he had read long ago flashed in his mind.
After long moments, Ness finally remembered the bonds that tied him and reluctantly pulled away. Kaiser saw his lips so swollen and red for the first time, when Ness himself wasn’t the cause. He was looking at him again as he had years ago. But now there was no endless plea in that gaze. Only absolute admiration. Kaiser immediately wanted to look away, but, surprisingly, Ness held his gaze.
Come on, can’t you get your fill for once?
He didn’t need to say that. Instead of answering, Ness blinked. Finally, he released Michael. They stood in complete silence for a couple more minutes.
“That was a very long kiss,” Kaiser noted, smoothing his disheveled hair.
Ness laughed softly and gently. He cast another tender gaze at him.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”
“I’ve waited too long for this,” you wanted to add.
But alas, the moment had passed. Now, a thoughtful expression was frozen on Ness’s face. He was clutching something in his hand. Shaking his head, Ness moved away from the table. Now, a ridiculously huge hotel bed separated them. It seemed the manager had accidentally booked him a honeymoon suite, and Kaiser hadn’t even noticed. His gaze fell on the table. A velvet black box rested on the glass table. The appetizers, next to it, remained untouched. Ness, as always, moved silently towards the door.
“Goodbye, Michael.”
Kaiser didn’t turn around. If I turn around, I’m lost.
His own face was not visible behind the veil of his hair. He tossed to the retreating Ness’s back:
“How much time until your wedding?”
After a slight hesitation, he replied, “30 days.”
“Good.”
Such silence fell in the room that Kaiser could hear his own breathing. So, you won’t say anything else?
Kaiser picked up the ring box from the table. He opened it, examined the contents thoroughly, and then slipped one of the rings onto his ring finger—the larger one, which fit him perfectly. He examined the result critically: the bright blue stone perfectly matched the tattoo on his left arm. He felt with his entire skin how Ness was looking at him.
Unable to bear it, Kaiser finally raised his eyes and looked back at him. Now he understood the hesitation: fear was readable in Ness’s eyes, and at the same time, some strange, ecstatic anticipation. Michael smiled and theatrically waved goodbye with the hand now adorned with a ring worth a small yacht.
“See you, Alexis.”
Ness disappeared behind the door. Kaiser poured himself a final glass. His mood was excellent. The sapphire reflected the gleam of the wine.
30 days is more than enough. It would definitely be enough for him.
Nothing is impossible in this world, right?