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“You...what?”
A small part of Kakashi derives pleasure from seeing Lord Third so visibly flustered. In the whole of Kakashi’s short 14 years, he has never seen Sarutobi Hiruzen stutter. It’s just too bad that the rest of Kakashi is still numb and dissociative at seeing Sarutobi’s elderly face instead of Minato’s young one that he repeats himself.
“My mother was Uzumaki Kairi. She was a branch member of the Uzumaki line born in the Land of Whirlpools.” Kakashi nods down to the meager file folder he managed to triage after nearly a week of searching. “That makes Uzumaki Naruto my relative.”
Sarutobi’s face is impassive but Kakashi’s a highly trained shinobi. He can see the minute tensing of muscles near Sarutobi’s face.
“Uzumaki Naruto died during the Kyuubi invasion,” Sarutobi says gently, taking on the tone of an adult talking to an inconsolable child. He’s composed himself remarkably fast.
If the village was not still deep in the thick of an emergency state, perhaps Sarutobi’s patience wouldn’t be frayed so thin he chose dismissiveness. It left far too many openings.
In the Hokage’s Office is Sarutobi, a tired Nara Shikaku, and two ANBU members - Mantis and Koala. Both were part of Minato’s ANBU guard and Kakashi worked with them briefly. He trusts in their loyalty.
So he reaches into his pouch and pulls out a tuft of blond hair. “If you are going to hide the new jinchuuriki, do not use the seals that Kushina taught me herself.”
Kakashi had a pretty embarrassing breakdown after seeing Naruto in that crib. In the span of a night, Kakashi had gone through several plans of what to do next. They would never let him keep Naruto, not when he was tacked on to the masses that were told Minato and has family died in the Kyyuubi attack. If Kakashi hadn’t overheard a loose lipped ROOT agent talking about a seal barrier similar to what Kushina taught him, he would have remained ignorant until his depression took away his desire to make connections withered away.
Nara sighs, and mutters a ‘what a pain’ under his breath. He gets the vague impression Mantis is laughing.
Sarutobi’s frown immediately becomes thunderous and sharp. “Boy you dare - no, first, what nonsense is this claim to Uzumaki lineage?”
Admittedly it does get Kakashi to straighten his spine, but he doesn’t back away in the face of a predator.
Sarutobi doesn’t open the folder so Kakashi does it for him, flipping to a weathered piece of paper with a stamp of his birthdate, the head obstratician’s signature, hastily scrawled, right over the name of Kakashi’s mother with a Wave stamp. Uzumaki Kairi’s name is written in neat blocks, right above Kakashi’s own name. Hatake Sakumo’s name is written on top of the signature, clearly added in after, a Konoha stamp next to his - a stamp given after a paternity test.
“She gave birth to me in the Land of Waves,” Kakashi explains. “There is a record of Hatake Sakumo requesting leave to meet me after receiving a letter from her explaining my birth. My father took me back with him to Konoha and my mother returned to Uzushio where she died in the attack. I may be a bastard, but I am aware of who my mother was, Lord Third.”
Sarutobi sucks in a sharp displeased breath but doesn’t rise to the bait. “Even if your lineage proves valid, you are still just a child.” Seems as if he has given up all pretense of Naruto not existing. “There are far more qualified - ”
Kakashi has no desire to get into a verbal spar with Sarutobi over his qualifications. “I will take care of Naruto. I have been personally taught by Hatake Sakumo, Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina, the greatest shinobi this Village has ever produced. I’ve even received training from your own student, Jiraiya-sama, who does not seem to be in any hurry to return to fulfill his godfather duties.” Kakashi raises a defiant chin, well aware Jiraiya isn’t going to be coming home because he’s stuck in his own grief and he trusts the Sandaime to protect Naruto for him. It’s too bad that the situation has quickly grown out of Sarutobi’s control. “Naruto will be safe with me.”
“You’re fourteen,” Sarutobi retorts, spittle inadvertently flying with the passion of his incredulousness. His ire would make most shinobi cowed, but Kakashi has been raised in the presence of greatness all his life. “You cannot raise a child.”
“I raised myself,” Kakashi argues, not flinching back. Six months ago, Kakashi would never consider this level of disrespect. Six months ago, Minato was in the seat so it wouldn’t have been a problem. “I am also considered a genius. I will figure it out. More importantly,” Kakashi’s hand taps the folder on the desk, “I share a blood relation with Naruto. If you deny me, I will go to the Daimyo’s court to fight for custody. Which would be counterproductive in keeping the jinchuuriki a secret, no?”
Kakashi wins the battle, but not without the side-effect of getting on Lord Third’s bad side. Kakashi leveraged his position to get a year’s leave to raise Naruto out of infancy but would be added back to the active roster right after. Kakashi wonders if Sarutobi will purposefully assign him missions that will get rid of him. Kakashi isn’t unaware of what kind of advantage Sarutobi could have created by making Naruto dependent on him. But as soon as Kakashi heard the first whispered vitriol of a baby that bore the Kyuubi’s marking spotted in the orphanage, Kakashi couldn’t sit back anymore.
Kakashi owes it to Minato and Kushina to at least try.
_
Sarutobi’s countenance is gloomy but unsurprised when Kakashi enters his office, unannounced.
“You’re planning a mutiny,” Sarutobi mutters under his breath.
“Maa, I would say that’s your most trusted advisor.” Kakashi shrugs. “Question is, what are you going to do about it?”
Sarutobi’s eye twitches. Kakashi has been unfortunately well acquainted with that look over the past few months.
Naruto kicks his little feet from where he is strapped to Kakashi’s chest, arms swinging wildly and excited as he catches sight of Sarutobi. At just under a year old, Naruto still hasn’t figured out how to sound out words yet, but this pitch of squeal is reserved for the Hokage. How cute.
Sarutobi’s eyes do soften and he drops his head into his hands in a rare show of fatigue. Kakashi isn’t sure he deserves to see it, but he supposes that getting sent a child assassin by your former teammate-slash-friend allows for some show of exhaustion.
“The official investigation is underway, led by a trusted team,” Sarutobi ends up saying, avoiding the implied question of how this changes things. The ultimate answer is that it won’t. Sarutobi can’t afford to disrupt this tentative time of peace by ousting a traitor in his midst, an upper ranking Councillor, so soon after the Kyuubi attack and Orochimaru’s betrayal.
Kakashi figured this might happen. He might be on the Reserves officially, but Kakashi’s information network is wide, as taught by Jiraiya himself. Kakashi’s put more effort into expanding it since he gained custody of Naruto and it pays off now.
“Put Kinoe in ANBU, under Mantis’ team,” Kakashi says, just shy of an order.
Sarutobi looks up sharply, disapproving. “That is not your call to make.”
“You are thinking it too,” Kakashi defends, voice petulant with childish authority. Kakashi had been a bit chagrined to realize that raising Naruto is in fact waning his patience more than strengthening it. “In a few weeks I’ll return to ANBU. He’ll be safe with my former team for now and when I return, I can train him. We’ll need a mokuton user for Naruto.”
All of which Sarutobi has already considered. He is The Professor, after all. Kakashi has seen more of the man in the last few months than he has in all of his years as an active shinobi prior to it. Sarutobi is using Kakashi as something of a spy to report back on civilian behaviours to counteract the Kyuubi and Uchiha fear mongering. It’s given Kakashi insight to just how clever and hardhanded Sarutobi Hiruzen really is.
“Yes,” Sarutobi says, a smile cracking his face when Naruto interrupts their conversation with a happy yell followed by a spit bubble. “However, young Kakashi, you are failing to consider one other alternative.”
Kakashi’s brows furrow, wondering what he missed. “An alternative?”
“Enrolling young Kinoe as a genin under a jonin instructor.”
Kakashi gets the sinking feeling that this is Sarutobi’s revenge.
_
“Unbelievable.”
Kakashi shrugs. “It’s your commissioner’s seal,” he says, completely unrepentant.
On the folder in front of Sarutobi is a marriage certificate.
Kakashi’s marriage certificate. To Uchiha Obito.
Granted, the signature over Obito’s name is Uchiha Fugaku’s. Obito had already died when the clan decided to get them married after all, but Fugaku deemed the weight of bloodline theft a greater issue than signing off on a retroactive marriage to a dead clanmate without their consent. Minato had thought it was in poor taste, but it was the only way Fugaku was willing to let the matter lie so Kakashi had agreed. The uniqueness of the request required a higher ranking sign off and thus the Sandaime’s seal was used.
“Of course it is,” Sarutobi hisses, an air of frustration clearly directed at himself. “This is my punishment for not reading what arrived at my desk more closely.”
Probably all too happy to be rid of the hat with Minato’s impending inauguration, Kakashi thinks.
“Maa, regardless, it still stands that I am Obito’s husband. And Obito was Shisui’s maternal uncle. Thus, Shisui is technically my nephew.”
Not that Kakashi knew that until two days ago when a small child showed up at his doorstep all but begging Kakashi to adopt him with paperwork in hand. Kakashi knew of the name Uchiha Shisui, his network had noted the boy’s massive potential and his amazing feats at the age of just 10. Koala had even mentioned that Shisui reminded her of Minato when he was younger, not the least because of their obsession with the Flying Raijin technique.
Sarutobi tips his head back, looking to the ceiling for patience.
“This would have all been resolved if you had taken care of the roots,” Kakashi can’t resist pointing out.
Sarutobi grumbles something under his breath that is indistinguishable. He gathers himself quickly though and sighs. “I suppose the situation has taken a turn for the dire.”
Sarutobi’s countermeasures against the mastermind of the Uchiha vitriol has failed. There were very real repercussions with civilians even refusing the Uchiha Police Force interventions. The discontent was rebounding and the Uchiha have been more prickly than ever, the slight of being relocated and isolated brewing their own dissatisfaction.
“Shisui said Danzo approached him,” Kakashi says bluntly. “Shisui found out about Tenzo’s background,” which in of itself is as impressive as it is alarming, “so he made a leap of logic and came to me for help. However, Lord Third, we both know this matter goes beyond just my intervention.”
Sarutobi winces, pinching his nose. “I will need to speak to Fugaku. In the interim, you have my permission to proceed with the adoption paperwork. He is considered an adult under the law, but if he consents, he can make you his guardian. He is already a chunin with the likelihood of becoming a jonin so it wouldn’t bear fruit to have you assigned as his teacher. But I have heard that he is the older cousin of the Uchiha heir who has recently graduated. We have had a difficult time assigning an instructor to deal with Young Itachi’s potential."
Kakashi looks at Sarutobi wearily, understanding what is being asked. “I thought you wished for me to return to ANBU.”
Sarutobi waves away Kakashi’s concern. “Your budding reputation is far more favourable for our situation than sequestering you away in black ops. I dare say you may receive a flee on sight order sooner than even Minato.”
Kakashi sighs, accepting the trade off. “You keep sending me on all these missions,” Kakashi bemoans. “Naruto even said he hates you because I was gone for a month last time.”
Sarutobi flinches, looking genuinely sad. That was the Naruto effect, he supposed. “Yes, ah, well, if you take on Itachi as a student you’d be more homebound,” Sarutobi offers, sounding more sure as he talks. “Yes, this will be a good hold over until I can target the underlying issues.”
Kakashi shrugs but nods. “Fine, but just know that if anyone attacks my pack, I will kill them.”
_
“I told you I would,” Kakashi says petulantly, burrowing deeper under his hospital sheets. It may have been a few years since he said it but it’s not like Kakashi makes empty threats. His Bingo Book entry can attest to that.
Sarutobi looks incredibly tired as he takes a seat next to Kakashi’s bed. “So you did,” he says quietly, almost defeated. “The trail will continue posthumously. The investigation has revealed many atrocities.”
Oh, he bets. Kakashi can’t imagine what depths Danzo might have sunk to, just by virtue of him being ready to pluck an eye out of Kakashi’s nephew. If Tenzo hadn’t sensed Shisui’s distressed chakra and if Kakashi hadn’t placed a marker for Flying Raijin on Shisui, he’d be down a pack member, which was just unacceptable.
Kakashi shrugs, indifferent. “How is Shisui?”
“Recovering well. The Aburame had an antidote for the poison. They had inquired about their former family member’s remaining body parts.”
Kakashi shrugs. “I don’t know where Kamui leads.” He hopes it’s an empty space. He’d hate to startle some innocent person with a severed purple head. “Itachi and Tenzo are with him?” he asks.
Sarutobi nods, tired. “So are young Naruto and Sasuke. Fugaku is outside, waiting to complete the incident report. It will be used in the trial, which you may be called upon.”
Kakashi shrugs. “I’ll be recovered by then. It’s just chakra exhaustion.”
“Just exhaustion,” Sarutobi grumbles. “As if you didn’t use a sequence of several S-class jutsu where one would have killed a normal shinobi. Uzumaki blood indeed.”
“Maa, I’m sure you could have done it too,” Kakashi offers.
Sarutobi gives him a glare but it morphs into something that looks something akin to glee. “Get better soon, brat. After the trial, I am nominating you for Godaime.”
Kakashi, alarmed, sits up too fast. The blood rushes to his head. “Wait - what did you say, Lord Third - ” Kakashi’s vision swims and he falls back to bed in a faint watching as Sarutobi takes on a positively evil glint in his eye.
_
“I don’t care which of you,” Kakashi says, glaring down at his three young charges, “but one of you better start working on becoming the Rokudaime.”
Tenzo gives him an unimpressed look. “Senpai, you just got inaugurated as the youngest Hokage to take office. You’re only twenty-two. You can definitely beat Lord Third’s tenure record.”
Kakashi glares at the mokuton user. “Betrayal, already?”
“Now, now,” Shisui interjects, giggling, “you just got here, Lord Fifth-oji-chan. And Naruto is ecstatic to have you as Hokage.”
An understatement as the seven year old was currently on a sugar high trip through Kakashi’s office, chased after by Uchiha Sasuke as they both played ANBU. Itachi was doing his best to ignore Kakashi’s gaze but half heartedly going after them to keep them in order.
“He’s not the only one.” The door opens and Sarutobi in casual wear saunters into the room. “Now, as a concerned citizen I would like to put forward a delegation regarding financing curbside trash pick up.”
Kakashi wonders if it’s too late to go nukenin.
_
“Maa, this is awkward.”
“What do you mean 'husband'?” Obito shouts, withering in the adamantine chains Kakashi has him wrapped in. Good chakra suppressors, those. Obtio couldn’t do that troublesome intangible thing with them around him. He’d have to thank Kushina for teaching him. “No, more importantly, what do you mean, Godaime? I was gone for less than a year, Bakakashi!”
Shisui looks torn between laughing and crying. Kakashi thinks he knows the feeling but he’s gotten good at stuffing down his complex emotions into something a bit more simple. Sai would probably pout at him for the hypocrisy. Tenzo was doing his best to get his little student - Kakashi’s grand-baby-student! - to open up more.
“You were gone a lot longer than that, Ahoito. Now care to explain why you’re alive and trying to kill the Uchiha?”
Itachi stands protectively beside Shisui, bristling like a cat rubbed the wrong way. His youngest student had been the first to realize they’d been invaded and engaged in combat. His physical fitness has been doing leagues better withTsunade back to monitor him but apparently even his little murder baby student is no match for his murder husband.
“It’s all part of the plan, you asshole!” Then Obito pauses his squirming. “Wait, let’s go back to that husband thing. What do you mean I am your husband? Like is that some sort of mental attack?”
Kakashi looks down at Obito judgementally. Obito’s scarred face is blushing.
“We can talk about a divorce once I figure out the extent of your crimes. If you killed Minato-sensei and Kushina-nee-san of your own volition, I’m going to have to cut off your dick and then kill you.”
“Uh, Kakashi-senpai, there is this weird white thing growing - oh, eww!”
Kakashi leaps off of Obito just as a bubbly white monstrosity comes out of Obito’s scarred side.
“Don’t worry Obito, as your friend, I will save you!”
The sinister laugh and Obito’s shout of ‘wait’ tips Kakashi off that the friendship is likely not two-sided.
“Are you ready for the hat yet?” he asks Shisui, looking down at where Obito has been swallowed up by a black maw, chains and all.
“You couldn’t pay me enough to deal with this bullshit,” Shisui denies. “Don’t worry, we can just push it off on Itachi. Kid’s too nice to say no.”
Itachi kicks Shisui’s butt. “I could go nukenin before you could find me.”
Ah, Kakashi should probably stop joking about becoming a traitor. It becomes problematic when his cute little students that could level a city joke about it.
_
“What do you mean we missed one?” Kakashi says, aghast as Sarutobi winces, weathered hand rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. The gesture looks nearly garish on Sarutobi’s elderly face as sticks out his tongue in an ‘oopsie’.
Haruno Sakura looks tiny, nine year old face caught between reverence and annoyance at being brought to the Hokage’s Office during school hours. Apparently she is missing prime Sasuke viewing time.
“I don’t get paid enough for this,” Shikaku groans, prodding at Itachi. “Come on, man. Become Jonin Commander already.”
“Excuse you, he’s going to become Hokage,” Kakashi snaps before turning his attention back to Sarutobi. “Explain.”
“Fugaku-kun is still looking into the matter, but preliminary investigations have found that Sakura-kun’s mother is one of the survivors of Orochimaru’s earlier mokuton experiments,” Sarutobi says with a wince, which gets Sakura to look at him sharply.
Kakashi wants to cry. “Bring me Tenzo.”
_
“This is punishment, isn’t it?” Tenzo hate-whispers at Kakashi, looking like he wants to leap over the desk and strangle him. “It’s because you caught me and Shisui making out.”
Kakashi slams his hands over his ear. “Lalala, I can’t hear you, what pseudo-incestous nonsense are you spewing?”
“We’re not even related other than the fact we have you as a teacher!” Tenzo cries out.
Kakashi crosses his arms over his chest in a scowl. “I disapprove. As Shisui’s uncle and your...mentor?”
“Older brother?” Tenzo supplies helpfully.
“Older brother,” Kakashi repeats, tutting, “you are forbidden to engage in this romance without my approval. Which I will never give.”
Tenzo stomps his foot. “Obito agreed! And we both have Hashirama’s cells grafted on us and he’s Shisui’s other uncle. Blood related even!”
Kakashi gasps. “How dare you pit us against each other?”
“You have him locked up in a cell!”
“Only until I master sage mode!” Kakashi pouts. “I’m this close!”
“Unbelievable,” Tenzo mutters, head in his hand. “You’re the freak of the century, senpai. Why would you need to know senjutsu on top of mastering ninjutsu, taijutsu, genjutsu, and kenjutsu? You even have the bloody mangekyo sharingin and the flying raijin technique.”
“You can never learn too much,” Kakashi shrugs. “Besides, it'll make Kiri think twice about attacking us for Obito’s misdeeds. I’ve got Jiraiya giving Naruto some lessons too.”
“Ah ha!” Tenzo yells, as if they’ve come back full circle. “If you already have Jiraiya-sama teaching Naruto, there is no need for me to be his jonin-sensei!”
Kakashi cups his head on his palm. “You got the mokuton so you get to reign Naruto in just in case the Kyuubi chakra takes control. Even better, you get to train Sakura on how to do the same thing. I heard she’s even better at controlling the mokuton than you.”
Tenzo pouts. “Yeah, okay. But what about Sasuke? Itachi is freakishly protective over him! Just let Itachi be his sensei!”
Kakashi points to his student who is currently hog tied to a chair by Kakashi’s desk. “I can’t spare him, I need him to become Rokudaime already. I want to retire before thirty.”
Itachi spits out the handkerchief Kakashi stuffed in his mouth. “I am going to join the Akatsuki,” he seethes.
Kakashi pets his head. “Then you wouldn’t see Sasuke anymore. Nice try. Now tell me what you’ve learned about our waste-water policy.”
_
Naruto isn’t happy about Obito. But that seems more to be because Obito is pretty handsy with Kakashi than the fact that Obito may have killed his parents.
“How does he do that?” Obito roars, pulling himself out of the wall that Naruto kicked him into after he groped Kakashi’s ass. “He’s a fucking Uzumaki and a jinchuuriki, how can he mask his - wait, is that fucking Sage mode?”
Kakashi pats Obito’s rump. “You’re such an absent father. Naruto has been practicing sage mode since last month. How else do you think he keeps sneaking up on you?”
Naruto cracks his knuckles. “Stay away from my dad. I don’t need any more siblings.”
“I’m still your favourite though, right?” Shisui calls from the dining table.
Sasuke throws an edamame bean at his head. “You’re technically his cousin.”
“Don’t throw your food away,” Itachi chides, putting more beans into Sasuke’s bowl.
Tenzo puts his arm around Shisui’s chair. “You’re my favourite.”
“I swear to god,” Kakashi mutters, but Sakura, bless her soul, is already there.
“I don’t want any more siblings either,” Sakura tells Tenzo. She jabs her thumb at Sai. “He’s already enough.”
“Are you sad because Sasuke-kun won’t look at you, dickless?” Sai goads. He definitely knows what he’s doing. Sakura yells and throws herself at Sai. Her punch splinters the floor. He’ll have to talk to her about following Itachi and Tsunade around too closely.
The doorbell rings. Naruto perks up, excited. “It’s jiji! Oh and Pervy Sage and Tsunade-baa-san are with him!”
“Your family is so weird,” Obito complains, as if he has any right. Kakashi tried to serve him divorce papers but somehow the bastard managed to wheedle his way into Kakashi’s bed and for Kakashi’s own virtue, he kind of left him there.
“Whatever,” Kakashi rolls his eyes. “Everyone eat up, I don’t want anyone fainting at the chunin exams tomorrow.”
_
“I am not adding him into the family,” Kakashi hisses at Sarutobi who looks all contrite sitting next to a wrapped and sealed up Orochimaru. “He attacked the village, again!”
“A miscalculation,” Orochimaru huffs. “I hadn’t realized this is where our treasured leader had gone.”
“Bro, I kicked you out of the Akatsuki a long time ago,” Obito protests. “And like, even if I weren’t here, Kakashi is still a standing threat? Not to mention his three little godling students? Who are raising their own little godling students? And that it’s a known fact Jiraiya and Tsunade came back home? Like what happened to your recon abilities?”
Orochimaru pouts.
“Is he the guy that experimented on my mom?” Sakura asks, peering out from behind Tenzo’s leg. “Can I punch him, one time?”
“Get in line, kiddo,” Kakashi cracks his knuckles.
_
“What do you mean, Madara has come back to life and has an army of white Zetsus and is planning on taking the jinchuuriki?” Kakashi says through gritted teeth, hands wrapped around Obito’s neck.
“Honey, baby, sweetie, ekk,” Obito starts choking, Kakashi loosens his hands just enough to get Obito to talk, which he does after hacking. He does not fight Kakashi’s hold, kinky bastard. “So turns out the original Zetsu is the black Zetsu and he has this goal of bringing his moon goodness mom back to life? Remember that Infinite Tsukiyomi plan I told you about that had you bringing out the whip?”
Kakashi wonders if he could muster up Amaterasu with one eye.
“Don’t kill me Bakakashi, how could I have known when Madara jiji unplugged himself from the god statute that he could actually come back to life? Who even creates a jutsu like Edo Tensei anyway? We should just blame the Nidaime!”
“Anything else you are forgetting to tell me?” Kakashi says through gritted teeth.
“No!”
Then a pause.
“Oh shit, I think Pein might be on his way. He has the Rinnegan.”
Kakashi’s eye twitches.
_
“That was anticlimactic,” Kakashi mutters, exhausted sitting on top of some rubble. The damage isn’t as bad as it could have been but it still makes Kakashi groan thinking of all the paperwork.
“Seriously, it’s like these guys have their heads lost without me,” Obito mutters, plopping down next to Kakashi. “Did they even try to count how many S-class shinobi were homebound? We didn’t even need to call on the other shinobi! The little Uchiha prodigies, Sarutobi and the Sanin, and Tenzou’s little team obliterated the Peins. It’s like Konan and Nagato saw a shiny rock in the river and decided to jump over a waterfall to get it!”
“I’m going to kill you,” Kakashi vows. “What the fuck have you been teaching these kids?”
Obito pouts. “First, it wasn’t me! They’re older than me and Jiraiya’s the one who fucked up. By the end of this, you’re going to have two more S-class shinobi living here, mark my words.”
Kakashi’s eye twitches. Knowing Naruto, that’s entirely possible.
“I should have just escaped during the chaos,” Kakashi bemoans.
“As if, you loyal dog,” Obito knocks into his shoulder. “Hey, can you activate your sage mode in the bedroom? Your long hair is fucking sex - ow, ow, ow, knock it off, Bakashi!”
Kakashi gives Obito a withering glare. “Good boy, Bull, don’t let go until you taste blood.”
His loyal hound drools happily.
“Hokage-sensei-sama,” Itachi calls, a disgruntled Sasuke following behind him, “you can’t keep pushing off an assembly of Council.”
Kakashi opens up a storage scroll and plucks out the cursed hat. He tosses it at Itachi. “You’re practically Hokage already - ”
Itachi unhesitatingly throws the hat back at Kakashi who instinctively uses kamui to send it away.
“Oh no,” Kakashi moans dramatically. “I’m fainting from chakra exhaustion. Obito, catch me.”
“As if, asshole! Your dog is still using my leg like a chew toy!”
“It’s not even your flesh and blood one,” Kakashi snaps. Then he glares at Sasuke. “Stay back, grand-baby student. I don’t need your brand of healing.”
Sasuke just grins darkly.
_
“Your Village is insane,” Inoki hisses, glaring at Kakashi’s pretty impressive line up of elite jonin. It’s not even the full roster. Naruto yawns and leans back into Sai’s chest, legs kicked up on Sasuke who glares at Sai. Sakura, bless her soul, is keeping Itachi locked in place by Kakashi’s side by virtue of her mokuton tying Itachi’s feet down.
Shisui is on an intel gathering mission with Tsunade as they try to gather more information on Madara’s army. Kakashi thinks it just because he doesn’t want to admit that Tenzo breaking up with him is hitting him harder than normal.
Kakashi told Shisui to stay out of the complicated parental-child relationship Orochimaru and Tenzo have decided to rekindle.
“You haven’t even met my husband yet,” Kakashi chirps cheerily. “He’s currently rehabilitating the leaders of Ame who have attachment issues. Jiraiya is playing the nursing mother because Lord Third was pissed at him for raising a bunch of orphaned children and then immediately abandoning them.”
“So fucking insane,” Mei repeats on behalf of Inoki.
Thankfully before Kakashi has to try, and fail, to defend his Village’s honor, Zetsu’s head pops up. He happily sets a date and time for a war. How cordial.
As soon as he finishes, Naruto’s overexcited rasenshuriken explodes the table.
It looks like Zetsu is disappearing. Kakashi gets an idea.
“Oh no,” Kakashi deadpans, taking the hat off his head and flinging it at an Itachi whose eyes go wide with incredulousness. “I’m being kidnapped.” Then Kakashi jumps into the black maw of Zetsu’s jaw.
“Oh,” White Zetsu says, surprised to see Kakashi. “This is awkward.”
“Doesn’t have to be,” Kakashi offers. “Now, how about you tell me, is Madara secretly in love with Hashirama?”
White Zetsu’s eyes light up. “Oh, oh, I have plenty to tell you, Hokage-sama. Madara is what I recently learned is the definition of a yearner.”
_
“I’m very disappointed in you.”
Kakashi shrinks, shoulders hunching down and his two index fingers poking each other sheepishly as Shisui and Naruto stand over him with their arms crossed in frustration.
“We won though?” Kakashi offers.
“Yeah, because apparently Obito-ji-chan is certifiably insane,” Shisui hisses, arm sweeping wide to show off the destruction of his husband. “And filled with trauma,” he says after a beat, nodding to where Madara’s corpse is currently disappearing into the ether, a crying Hashirama holding on to him.
“‘Sides Itachi-anki-senpai is super pissed,” Naruto warns Kakashi. “You better beg for forgiveness before he decides he wants to go through with the Infinite whatchamacallit.”
“Tsukiyomi!” Minato chirps beside Naruto happily. Apparently at some point during the war Orichimaru ran off with Kabuto to reawaken the previous kage. Sarutobi hadn’t been able to meet Kakashi’s eyes during the entire war.
“Thanks, other dad!” Naruto beams.
Minato pouts looking over at Kakashi. “Why do you get to be his dad? What about an older brother?”
Kakashi gives him a stinky glare. “Who spent years changing his diapers, sensei?”
Chagrined, Minato sulks. Naruto looks torn so Kakashi waves him over to Minato, finally dusting himself off to make his way over to his team.
Sakura levels him with an unimpressed look. “This is all your fault,” she declares. Somehow, Kakashi can believe it.
Sai gives him two thumbs up and says, “Yamato-sensei is plotting your murder. He framed it as an exercise so you should have about two business days to prepare to run before our team is given the attack order.”
Kakashi shrugs. “Honestly, if I am dead, at least I don’t have to deal with this paperwork.”
“Which is why nii-san has requested your immediate capture,” Sasuke dutifully informs him as he makes a motion to his team. The Uzumaki girl gives him a ‘what can you do’ shrug and adamantine chains erupt from her back.
“Fuck,” Kakashi curses, struggling. “Oh, Obito, love of my life, idol of my shrine, can you come here and - oh wait, don’t bring Itachi with you!”
_
“I hate you.” Itachi says through clenched teeth, his passive smile looking otherwise serene. Nearly six hours of waving to a crowd would do that to you.
Kakashi beams. “I love you too, Rokudaime-chan!”
“Take back the hat or I will broker a political marriage between you and Darui-san and sell you off to Lightning,” Itachi threatens.
“Polygamy is banned there just like here,” Kakashi happily informs him. “Just wait a few years, I’m sure Sakura-chan will make a great Seventh.”
On cue, a harried shinobi walks in through the door. “Um, Lord Fifth, Lord Sixth, we’ve just been informed that Haruno Sakura has been seen leaving the Village. Um. Unauthorized. Um, s-she’s with the lady Uzumaki. They said they are off on a journey of life and will be back in, um, fifteen years?”
“Oh wow, look at the time, I’ve got my own journey to get to,” Kakashi says rapidly, tugging at his chakra urgently.
Obito immediately manifests beside him, dripping wet and in only a towel. He’d had Sasuke throw up all over him after Itachi’s inauguration party. Terrible alcohol tolerance, those Uchihas.
“Who’s attacking?” Obito shouts, in battle ready position.
“That one,” Kakashi nods to Itachi, who is now standing over the desk threateningly. The Hokage Hat is on the floor, in flames. Somehow it’s managed to survive thirteen years of Kakashi’s nonsense. He doesn’t think it’ll survive Itachi’s.
“Oh shit,” Obito shrieks, grabbing Kakashi and immediately kamuing them away. Kakashi thinks he feels the thin flame of Ameterasu behind him.
“You know, I think it’s time we head for our honeymoon,” Kakashi tells Obito. “I betcha Sakura-chan and Karin-chan are going to Uzishio. We should go pay our respects too.”
Obito squints at Kakashi. “You know Naruto is going to follow us right? Are you setting me up? You know he has attachment issues.”
Kakashi smiles ominously. “You want a family trip? I suppose we could invite Shisui too.” The he sighs dramatically, “And here I thought you wanted to try to recreate chapter six of Yuki Yuki Falls that you liked so much - ” a hand muffles his mouth.
“I can outrun the brats for at least two days,” Obito professes. “Come on, let’s go.”
Kakashi wonders how long it will take for his pack to catch up to them. He can’t say he’s too upset by the thought.
“Yeah, let’s.”
{End.}
Omake:
“I did not see this coming,” Obito hisses at Kakashi, trying to keep an awkward smile on his face as Naruto introduces a blushing Hinata to them.
“We need a war plan,” Kakashi hisses right back, ushering Naruto to lead Hinata inside as Kakashi pulls Obito to the side. “Sasuke is going to be so broken-hearted he is going to leave the Village and then Itachi’s brother complex will kick in and he’ll go after him.”
Obito cups his head in his hands. “Yeah. Yeah, they’ve got the crazy Uchiha genes in them. We gotta stop Naruto.”
Kakashi turns to where Naruto is laughing as he puts chopsticks up his mouth, pretending to be a walrus. Hinata, bless her soul, is giggling. Sasuke would have thrust his palm up to send the chopsticks through Narutos’s skull.
“Do we?” Kakashi says, heartbroken. “One Uchiha is enough for our family.” Kakashi gives Obito an unimpressed look. “We could have grandbabies with blue eyed byakugans, isn’t that cute?”
“If you want the hat back so bad,” Obito glares at him, arms crossed, “then keep dreaming.”
Immediately, Kakashi sobers up. Naruto likes Sasuke enough that he’ll learn to deal with it and Hinata is probably better off not getting involved in Naruto’s bullshit.
“Let’s go.”