Work Text:
Stephanie stood stock still as a statue the instant she felt a smooth warmth press against her face.
"Whose butt is in my face?"
Her words came out as a whisper, muffled to near inaudibility by Batman's cape. She was the most quiet out of the growing cacophony of harsh whispers. But that didn't last when said smooth surface neither identified itself nor moved away from her face.
"Whose metallic butt is in my face!?"
"Grayson, you said there was a stash of candy in one of these compartments—where is it!"
Nightwing was just about to show Damian the compartment within which Bruce kept lollipops, mostly for comforting spooked kids. And he made sure to do so with haste because the supposed "World's Greatest Detective" kept them in a compartment literally right next to his similarly circular smoke-bombs. That's when he felt the sharp end of a batarang nip at his butt.
"OW!—....who the fuck just poked me in the butt--"
"--SO IT WAS YOU!"
"Why is Jason even in here, he's too big to fit."
"Oh I know you're not the one talking."
"... what's that supposed to mean?"
"It means lay off the late night snacking."
Unison gasps
"Jason..."
"That was too far—"
"Why would you say that—"
"—not your bigback telling Tim to stop snacking—"
Superman and Wonder Woman were struggling to stifle their laughter. It occasionally escaping through a sort of snort that broke into a choked snicker, before being cut off—betraying the genuine effort they were trying to put into remaining stoic. The rest of League of course noticed this, but could do nothing more than give the two a brief side eye, lest they interrupt Batman mid debrief. Barry swore Batman's glare could actually frost over one's very soul, even if only for a second.
But soon, the rest of the League could hear it too. Turning furrowed brows to Batman's cape, and that alone seemed to be enough to crack just a bit more of Superman and Wonder Woman's composure. Not enough to outright laugh, but enough for Wonder Woman to see merit in briefly turning her face away before she's exposed.
"—I SAID I WAS SORRY!"
"Actually, how are any of us fitting in here?"
Duke's question seemed to silence the harsh whispering, but only for a moment. Batman stubbornly pressing on like there wasn't a riveting conversation currently happening underneath his cape. This was the most attentive the League had ever been during these debriefs. Hal, Barry, Oliver and Shayera literally leaning over the roundtable just to hear a bit better. Martian Manhunter was most likely the only one still listening to anything Batman was saying.
"B makes the cape wider and longer every year."
The ensuing silence from both the current residents of said cape and the League—except for Batman who was still talking (bless his autistic soul)—indicated Nightwing's answer wasn't at all satisfactory or clarifying.
"He has insatiable baby fever."
"Oohhh—" came the soft chorus muffled by the cape.
"That checks out."
"We're not babies, we're grown ass adults!" Redhood replied with a quality of irritation to his whisper. Clearly frustrated with his current predicament, especially considering he was taller than Batman.
"That's not gonna stop him." Someone replied with a snort. Most likely Red Robin.
"Well I say we revolt and reclaim our independence."
Even the League could feel the incredulous silence radiating off from Batman's cape, despite not being able to see it's source.
"I stand with Redhood."
More silence followed, it seemed Robin and Redhood were alone in this one.
"Cape is nice. Safe." Came a genuinely soft voice, so close to a stealthy whisper only metas with superhearing could pick it out.
"You don't get to have an opinion on this, you like it in here."
"Her, Nightwing and Robin." Red Robin added with clinical factuality.
What?! That didn't make any sense. Hadn't Robin just stood by the only rebel against Batman's supposed mother-henning? Hal turning a confused brow to Barry, who'd turned the same expression to him. Confirming he wasn't the only one catching on with the contradiction.
Sputtering followed the claim, a few eloquently put insults cutting each other off. But was shamefully silenced by affirming hums and grunts, indicating almost all of them agreed with Red Robin's assessment.
"Hal."
Almost everyone at the table (except for Martian Manhunter who'd genuinely been listening to Batman the whole time) sat straighter in their respective chair. Poker faces as unyielding as titanium walls.
"Would you like to suggest what word we can use as an auditory trigger for the new security systems I plan on emplacing to the Watchtower's main control room?"
"Whu—er—I—"
The rest of the League had the decency to feel sympathy for him. Almost all of them knew they were going to get called out eventually. But they also knew Hal would be the most likely to get singled out. Shayera taking a moment to be truly grateful for whatever hateboner the two had for each other. Two assholes meeting their respective match.
Snickering could be heard from within Batman's cape.