Work Text:
In all his life and afterlife, Alastor had had— even if he would never admit it— many doubts about his identity, about his path in life and about his choices in Hell. But there was one thing he had always had very clear in his mind: He didn't like sex. Yet, he found himself in what he could almost call a ridiculous fever dream. Sitting in bed, naked, and with the Devil himself wrapped around his manhood. Lucifer of all people, whom he hated. Although, ironically enough, maybe that was why he had accepted in the first place.
“So... You are bad at sex?” prompted Lucifer with a mocking tone.
“I'm not bad at sex!” Alastor replied, flaunting his hands in the air without stopping the movement of his hips. “I just don't like people. They are disgusting!”
Lucifer took a deep breath to avoid his voice coming out shaky. “A hypocrite then?”
Alastor managed a scoff between pants, now gripping Lucifer’s hips tighter. “Well- No.”
The pale man bottoming arched an eyebrow, judging him. “Explain…”
“I don't like them! It's- what is so good about other people? Being in my own company is better, I don't have to care about other people's feelings, or wants, needs... And I can't offer that ‘intimacy’ others want.”
“Yeah,— ah~— for sure,” he said between pants. “This is one of the less intimate fuckings I've ever had in my life. And that's to say something.”
“Listen, I could put on an act, but I'm not a hooker; I'm supposed to be doing this purely for desire and I guarantee you I don't desire anyone.”
“So you don't want to have sex because... People?” Lucifer groaned. “Go faster, ah~”
Alastor rolled his eyes. “No. I want to keep talking. And yes, people are disgusting; their bodies and their souls- Well, they taste good, but that's another topic.”
Lucifer huffed, both sexually frustrated and fed up with Alastor's antics. “So your cannibalism is not sexual either?”
“What? Of course not! I'm an exquisite carnivore, mind you.”
“You're a deer,” Lucifer pointed out.
Alastor's eye twitched. “Touché.”
After that, Alastor closed his eyes and, for the next minute, maintained the rhythm steady. Lucifer moaned at every stroke, but between the dead silence and the pent-up frustration building up in his groin, the pleasure turned into annoyance.
“Uh... I'm not gonna come if you go that slow, you know? You're edging me.”
“See? This is the kind of thing I mean,” he said, ignoring the other man. “I have to take the other into consideration! I already have enough of that in my schemes.” Then Alastor took a deep breath before picking the pace up.
“Oh, fuck, ah, that's better. But you're an asshole.”
“Sure. What's your point?” he replied. “I already said that's why I don't want to have sex with anyone. People are not attractive to me. At most, I could like the way their tight skin indicates the best cuts for dinner— But I would never taint food in such a disgusting way.”
“Ah!~ Yes!” Lucifer moaned with pleasure.
Alastor arched an eyebrow and waited for Lucifer to regain his bearings.
“Ah~ Er, what I wanted to say is, mmm~, typical psychopath.”
“Actually, that is called asexual— or so said Angel Dust.”
“That’s not— Wait, so you've also gone to that guy, uh? He's really good at his jo-” Lucifer placed a hand over his mouth to muffle a loud moan of pleasure as he bucked his hips up.
This, in turn, caused Alastor to curl his upper lip in disgust.
“Ugh, I hate those noises... And no, we just talked. In public. About decent things— as much as that is in Angel’s capacity.”
“Why not?— ah~— I mean, when he's working he's serving the customer. Or are his boundaries not compatible with you?— Al, don't stop now,” he begged with more urgency now.
“Don't say my name,” ordered Alastor. “I don't want to imagine I'm here with you. Huff... It's putting me off…”
“Wow... Wait, are you... Thinking you're alone? Like, not with me? Or anyone?”
“Yes! I thought this was a good idea; alleviate my physical urges and talk until relieving my psychological ones,” he explained.
“Let's just finish this, okay?” said Lucifer, feeling his mood sober.
Instead, Alastor stopped completely. He sat back on his legs and stood still, eyes closed once more. His hands began to run up and down his own thighs.
“Uh...Alastor?” Lucifer asked, confused.
A good minute passed before Alastor got into position again, making Lucifer flinch in surprise. The deer demon hovered his lanky body over Lucifer's and used his arms to keep himself propped up. Then, he opened his eyes, fixing them on Lucifer's flat stomach, and began throbbing again, this time faster and deeper.
“Just, ah, get this straight, ah, sex is a prosocial activity, you have to collaborate with your partner and share trust, ugh, ah. I don't like people and they can't give me anything I want either, so-” Alastor's smile tightened and, without warning, he launched himself to bite Lucifer's trapezium.
“Ack, fuck, but it's hot,” was all the Devil could muster in the heat of the moment.
Alastor dug his fangs firm into Lucifer's pristine flesh as he came, his whole body trembling with the energy of his release. He didn't pay attention to the hot liquid spilling between his and Lucifer's body, nor Lucifer's scent of sweetened apples, he only focused on his strained muscles until he was done. Then he licked Lucifer's golden blood and retrieved himself to one side of the bed.
Lucifer laid on his back biting his lips with a lazy smile, until he came out of his trance. “Hey!” He sat up. “At least finish what you started.”
Alastor didn't turn around to look at him. “I'm certain I did.” Instead, he slid into his underwear and, with a snap of his fingers, put the rest of his clothes on. “Now if you'll excuse me-”
“Oh, fuck you!” With this, Lucifer made Alastor poof out of his sight and sent him straight to his own room-bayou. Where exactly he didn't care to know. “I hope he landed on the cold water, fucking jerk,” Lucifer muttered under his breath. At least he had learnt a lesson: Alastor was not kidding when he said he wasn't into sex, or him, or people— did the guy like anyone but himself?
“I believe you forgot your manners, your Shortness.”
The sudden crack of radiofilter made Lucifer bolt up, he was about to turn around to confront Alastor, when the deer demon made a bucket of cold water fall onto him— and his king-sized bed.
“ALASTOR!” he howled with rage. But before Lucifer could throttle him right there, the red sinner had disappeared again.