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It was his first time seeing Professor Crewel look apologetic.
"You're not the first student I've had with this exact issue." He sat sideway at his desk, legs crossed. "That's the thing with fae—they don't realize what kind of commitment a human child is."
The autumn wind whistled through the latched window. Silver shivered. Sweat soaked his shirt at the lower back and armpits. Professor Crewel had had him drag a chair over: you should sit down, he'd said, I won't carry you to the infirmary if you faint.
"So you can't fix it?" asked Silver.
"There's nothing to be fixed. It's all as it's supposed to be."
"I have a father. He's raised me since I was a baby."
"I hear you, puppy. Your fae father raised you, yes. Maybe he even called you his son. Didn't flinch when others called you by his name, did he? None of that matters when it comes to law. Who did your enrollment papers?"
"My father."
"There you have it." He gestured with his pointer. "In the eyes of that old-fashioned Briar law, you are an orphan. If your father wanted to contest that, he could have written his name on your enrollment papers. He didn't."
Professor Crewel had made a copy of his enrollment papers to show him. The papers, five sheets neatly stapled at the right corner, now rested on Silver's lap.
Name: Silver
Surname: N/A
Legal guardian(s): N/A
He recognized his father's penmanship. The way the fields had been struck through as if by a sword.
A lifetime with his father, disappearing with one stroke of the pen.
"Every couple of years, we get students just like you. Suddenly you realize the warm family that raised you might have been an illusion. Then, it turns out you can't even confront them. No signal in the Valley." He looked at Silver's face and sighed. "Anyway, I thought I should warn you. The College has become your temporary guardian for now. No need to worry about the bureaucracy just yet, but you should start considering what surname you'll pick once you're an adult."
The chair groaned as Silver moved, swaying.
Professor Crewel held him up. "Take your time, puppy."
It made no sense.
He'd always assumed that his name was Silver Vanrouge. When others spoke of their home, they said 'Vanrouge household.' Was he not part of it?
Suddenly, it felt like a waterfall crashing on his head. A million little details jumped out at him. He'd been oblivious this whole time, asleep as always. Everyone called him Silver, whether they were close or not. Few called Lilia his father, instead it was always him who was Lilia's son. Even Lilia rarely referenced their relationship. Had he been surprised the first time Silver called him Dad? It was like he barely tolerated the link between them. It could exist, maybe, but only out of sight.
As if he'd only indulged Silver's fantasies.
"He doesn't want me to call him Father around others," Silver whispered.
Professor Crewel went quiet. He moved the documents on his desk, searching for something to do. It wasn't his first time breaking that particular type of bad news, but he'd yet to learn the technique. Too brusque, Trein said. Not as bad as Crowley, though. He'd leave it to the old man next time.
"I said it might have been an illusion. Maybe your father does consider you his child. Won't you head back home for the holidays? You can ask him then."
"I can't," Silver said. Tears beaded in his eyes.
Professor Crewel looked uncomfortable. "Is that so?"
Silver didn't answer. Instead, he accepted the offered white handkerchief and dabbed away the tears.
"We don't have a school counselor, but I know a few people downtown," said Professor Crewel. "Here, I'll give you their numbers."
Silver left the classroom carrying a wet handkerchief and a scribbled list of phone numbers. He'd yet to make any friends here, so no one was waiting at the door. Next period had already begun but Professor Crewel had excused him for the day. He already struggled following classes and didn't want to skip, but had no choice. His face was wet, his eyes puffed. He couldn't breathe without sobbing. Quiet, hiccuping gasps. The way a child cries when he wants to hide.
Professor Crewel's handkerchief had a little D.C. embroidered at one of the corners. It reminded Silver that he had no such thing.
S.
He was only S.
During their first year, NRC students didn't have much fun. Their entire curriculum involved very little magic practice, which inevitably led to many disgruntled, hormonal teenage boys—and all of them with the equivalent of a bomb in their breast pocket. After some fifty years of nonstop strife, the Headmage finally resolved to find a solution: don't only beat the child with a textbook… give him candy as well!
As a result, every first years went on a week-long field trip.
"I remember mine, I was in a group with Rook Hunt," said Cater. "Back then, he was still in Savanaclaw. What a wild guy! He climbed the Late Rabbit statue in Clocktown. We had to wait a whole day for him to come down."
The three of them sat in the pop music club room, exchanging snacks and soft drinks. Their various instruments laid abandoned by the wayside.
Kalim didn't try out their snacks. He wasn't allowed to. "That sounds like fun! It's too bad that that all the first year classes can't go together. I was gonna pay for the reservations, but Jamil said I shouldn't."
"That would have been fun," snickered Lilia.
"More like deadly," said Cater, only half joking. "But you've got plenty of friends to go with, right? Like that new boy you like."
'That new boy' was a recent addition to their gossiping. Kalim had arrived to NRC a few months late, and though he flitted around people easily, he'd had a hard time establishing a deep bond with anyone in his class. Until that boy had come in.
Kalim pouted. "I don't know if he'll come…"
"Does he not want to go?"
"It's because we need our parents' signatures to go," said Kalim, uncharacteristically mulish. "He's an orphan, so he might not be able to go."
"A legal guardian will do," said Lilia.
Kalim shook his head. "He doesn't have any."
"That's possible?" Cater exclaimed in shock. "Is he unregistered? No ID papers?"
"He's from Briar Valley," Kalim said, as if that explained everything.
Cater glanced at Lilia and saw him nodding.
"Professor Crewel made him stay after class and told him all about it. I didn't really hear much because everyone was chatting, but he showed me after. I think he needs his housewarden's signature? But when I told Jamil, he said that might not be possible…"
"Wait, where is he from?"
"Briar Valley?"
"No, no, I mean…" Cater trailed off. In a way, that answered his real question too. Students from Briar Valley tended to be assigned to Diasomnia. Or maybe it was the overlap with fae blood that gave off this illusion.
"Is Malleus really that strict?" asked Kalim. "I still haven't seen him at the housewarden meetings."
"He's a nice young man," Lilia said. "So long as your friend manages to catch him, he'll sign the form… Say, your friend."
"Yes?"
They waited for Lilia to continue, but he seemed distracted, looking off in the distance.
"Lils? What's up?"
"Do you have a stomachache?" asked Kalim, looking at the snack bags.
"If your friend is from Diasomnia, maybe Lils knows him?"
"Really?" Kalim looked poleaxed, as if he'd never once considered that. "You know him, Lilia? He's super nice, right?"
Lilia turned back towards them, wearing a thin smile. "Is he? I'm not sure, Kalim. There are many students in Diasomnia."
"Oh. That's too bad." Kalim's shoulders slumped. "I'm sure you'd like him!"
"I'm sure I would."
Cater swallowed back what he'd wanted to say. How could a vice-housewarden like Lilia, who constantly had some gossip, not know a Diasomnia orphan from Briar Valley? He hadn't even tried to learn his name before declaring he didn't know him. It was so obvious that it became annoying. Mostly because Cater couldn't gossip about it.
You don't have to know. That was what Lilia's enigmatic smile said.
"Anyway, I'm sure he'll be able to find Malleus," said Kalim. "And if he can't, I'll sneak him aboard! Jamil will help me."
That poor Jamil.
"That would make it even more fun," said Cater, now hoping Malleus wouldn't show.
Unfortunately, that wish would go unanswered. At that very moment, Malleus Draconia himself had been presented with a wrinkled paper.
"Sorry. It creased when I fell asleep on it," said Silver, contrite.
The rain had the equitation club ending early, so he'd gone looking for Malleus all over school and now stood before him, wet and red-nosed. Of course, Malleus had been outside admiring gargoyles the whole time. Club hours.
"I can read it just fine," dismissed Malleus, studying the paper with curiosity. "A school trip to the Queendom?"
"First years go on a field trip. It happens every year."
"Every year except my own, maybe." Malleus certainly didn't recall having been invited anywhere. Although there had been one week when Lilia disappeared… "But why show me this?"
"I need my housewarden's signature in order to go."
"Whatever for? None of your year mates have approached me. Have they forgotten who their housewarden is?" He paused. "Did they ask Lilia instead?"
"They must not have needed it."
He spoke so quietly that Malleus's ears strained to hear. His face had gone pale, but as usual didn't show any particular expression. A strange sense of coldness emanated from him. The wrinkled paper didn't reveal much either. Most of it had already been filled out: standard information such as name, date of birth, blood type, allergens. The only empty field was the signature at the bottom.
"Where am I supposed to sign?"
"There."
"That space is for the parent's signature," said Malleus.
Silver rubbed his arm. His gaze fixed on a point between the paper and Malleus's shoulder. "No, it's the legal guardian's signature… Professor Crewel said my housewarden can do it instead."
"Very well. I suppose this is to hide the relation between you and Lilia?"
Silver refused to meet his eye.
"Are you falling asleep?"
He shook his head.
"Child, what ails you? Do you not wish to go on this field trip?"
"I want to go."
"Then what is the matter? Do you fear being far from your father and myself? I recall that you looked well when we left you in Briar last year. Surely you don't need to cling to Lilia at all hours."
"Malleus," said Silver.
His mouth clicked shut. Silver hadn't called him by his first name only in a long time.
But this little bravery wasn't born out of the affection he longed for. Silver had just wanted to interrupt him. He looked uncomfortable, like he wanted to be anywhere else in the world. That wasn't a pleasant thought—that he hated being here with Malleus. Far from pleasant, but also far from normal. Something was wrong.
"I tire of your half-words. Tell me the truth," Malleus demanded.
Silver's brows creased with anxiety. "I don't have to go on the trip if you don't want me to."
"I won't repeat myself."
"I don't…" Silver trailed off, then thought better of what he'd been about to say. "I'm sorry. I'm still in shock over learning this, so I've had a hard time talking about it… Since my father isn't my father, you're the only one who can authorize me to go."
"…Pardon me?"
Silver looked off to the side again, arms tight over his chest. "NRC is currently my legal guardian, but they still want my housewarden's permission to attend off-campus events."
"No," said Malleus firmly. "What do you mean, your father isn't your father? Are you speaking of Lilia?"
Silver nodded jerkily. "Yes. Fa… I mean, Lilia isn't my father legally."
"Why not?" he asked, truly bewildered. "Does this school not recognize adoption?"
"No… Lilia never adopted me." Silver saw his incredulity and added, "Legally-speaking. I'm an orphan without family."
"He did adopt you. He raised you."
"I consider him my father, but I'm not his son," Silver insisted. "There's no legal tie between us. He's not my legal guardian."
He kept repeating that word, 'legal,' as if trying to convince himself as well. As if he, too, couldn't understand. Since when had he known? Who had told him? Had he been taken by surprise when seeing this permission form? Had he talked to Lilia about it? Why hadn't anyone told Malleus? It just didn't make sense. There must be a mistake. Yes, a mistake! Lilia, not Silver's father? That Lilia? How could that be?
But even as he questioned it, an old anger rekindled in Malleus's heart.
Why was he surprised? This was the Lilia he knew. Of course he would take in a child, raise him lovingly, then abandon him without a word.
That Lilia Vanrouge.
He'd always been like that.
Malleus didn't know what to say. He looked at the child he'd helped raise, standing there, shivering in the rain. "Are you not upset?" he asked.
"No," said Silver without having to think about it.
"Lilia abandoned you."
"He must have his reasons."
"Which are?"
"I don't know. I… I'm not sad. I'm not angry."
Silver bowed his head. This whole time, Malleus had assumed him to be crossing his arms. But that wasn't it. He was only hugging himself.
That was fine. Malleus would be angry for him.
Lilia's shoe rested on the first step, but he remained firmly on the ground floor, turned toward the lounge. The room had emptied out as soon as Malleus had appeared in a flurry of magic, warned off by the thunder outside.
"Look here."
Malleus showed him the papers. Lilia held them up, reading steadily. He behaved as though he didn't hear his fury.
As if he didn't know anything.
"Have you finished reading?" he asked impatiently.
"I have." Lilia folded the paper in half and laid it on the stair's banister. Malleus watched all of it with his piercing gaze.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
Lilia's eyebrows jumped up. "Are you trying to scold me?"
Malleus was unamused. "You appear in need of it. Did you know about this?"
"Kalim mentioned his classmate was having trouble with getting permission for the trip. Wasn't hard to make the connection."
"That's not what I'm talking about. Did you not see the signature?"
"I saw."
"Did you know Silver isn't your son?"
Leaning against the banister, Lilia looked at him silently.
Malleus's jaw clenched. "You have nothing to say?"
"Is there something I should say?"
"Don't take that attitude with me. Not about him. Do you not understand? In their eyes, I am more Silver's father than you are."
Malleus might as well have spit poison with the way Lilia recoiled. His nose lifted in disgust and his eyes tightened, but after a short exhale, he managed to stifle all of it. "Trying to anger me, are you? I'm afraid I'm getting too old for a fight," he joked.
"I am."
The smile dropped off Lilia's face. When the thunder struck, the flash of light deepened the planes of his face. For a brief moment, he looked his age. Then it vanished again.
"Why are you angry? It doesn't concern you," said Lilia. He'd been playful before but now sounded a little short.
"It does concern me."
"Are you that upset over signing a few authorization papers?"
It was the first time in Malleus's adult life that he wanted to hurt Lilia. He was facing a stranger, wearing Lilia's face. Except that maybe the stranger had been the fae who took in a human child. All the old hurts came back to the surface. Knowing that Silver was the one suffering this time made it easier to be angry. He hadn't felt this strongly when it'd been his turn. He hadn't been raised by Lilia—that made a difference too—but Silver, oh Silver… Why couldn't he be angry?
Lilia looked out the window as thunder struck.
"He wasn't crying." The words came out clipped.
Lilia turned back to him. "What?"
"He's already exhausted all his tears."
"Malleus…"
"When did he learn of this? When the semester started? It can't have been more than four months. He's not even seventeen but he already knows his father cannot wait to abandon him."
Lilia frowned. "I'm not abandoning him."
"Are you not? It seems to me that you are. As you always do."
Lilia sighed. "Oh, go on then."
"You're running away again!" snapped Malleus. "When will you finally face us? Silver and I. Do you know how long we've been waiting?"
Lilia laughed dryly. "What do you know of waiting?"
Malleus's blood boiled. "I know it well. I waited my entire childhood for you."
He'd never spared a thought to how Malleus felt, had he? It was fine for him to love them, but the moment they asked him to stay, he disappeared. Even now, he looked like he'd much rather flee.
"Malleus…" Lilia's lips moved without speaking. His eyes flickered around the room. "It was… complicated."
Thunder struck again. By the time Lilia looked back at him, all of Malleus's fury had gone out, suddenly doused. He felt numb. It'd never been possible, him and Lilia. None would have allowed it. And maybe Lilia was right, too. Maybe it would have ended terribly. Malleus had never been able to rid himself of his resentment.
Those endless days and nights waiting for Lilia to come back. That silence.
"Forget it," he said.
Lilia stepped closer. "Malleus, I never harmed Silver," he said. "You're right that I… intend to leave him at some point, but isn't that natural? Human children don't stay with their parents for long."
"Don't try to fool me."
He continued as if Malleus hadn't spoken. "You'll see. Silver will go on and build his life, forgetting all about us. He's smart, capable, disciplined. Handsome, too. He doesn't need us anymore."
Malleus could hardly bear hearing more. "You are so cruel," he whispered.
Lilia went silent, looking more pained than Malleus himself. He loved Silver. Malleus knew he did. So why? How could he? Had he convinced himself that Silver would leave eventually, and so Lilia had to abandon him first? It made no sense.
Malleus was just glad Silver hadn't been here to hear it.
"If you don't want him," Malleus said, "then I will have him. I raised him too."
With a sparkle of green, he disappeared.
Lilia was left, alone, with only that damned paper as company. The bottom of the page asked for the guardian's signature. Malleus Draconia. He'd been right to say he was more Silver's father than Lilia, at least Silver didn't have to hold back when saying Malleus had helped raise him.
Who was 'Lilia Vanrouge' in the midst of it all? A stranger. A childhood friend, maybe. Someone who knew him.
Thunder flashed. Everything could disappear in a flash. Before you realize you'll miss them, if you hesitate for even one moment, your child could be snatched away forever.
Who had told him? Who had dared to tell his son?
Why had Silver not asked him anything?
At the next lightning strike, Lilia disappeared as well.
"Did something happen? …Are you hurt?"
"I am unharmed," said Malleus.
Silver glanced doubtfully out the windows of Malleus's dorm room. He'd barely looked that green magic drew the curtains closed. White light continued to flash from beneath the curtains.
"I see you've dried yourself."
Silver nodded bashfully. He'd changed into his dorm uniform. "Yes… Thank you for lending me your washroom." He looked around the room. "I shouldn't intrude any longer. If you'll excuse me…"
Malleus held up a hand to stop him. "Grant me some of your time."
"Of course."
How could he say this? Silver's trusting face made it hard to open his mouth. Had he betrayed his confidence by confronting Lilia?
"I spoke with Lilia."
"…With my father?"
"Yes."
Silver lowered his head. It seemed that he'd suspected from the start but hadn't dared to ask. Perhaps to him, ignorance hurt less than knowing. He'd spent sixteen happy years believing he was his father's son.
Malleus had many questions himself, some of which he would never say aloud. At that moment, the first thing he asked was: "Why did you not tell us as soon as you'd learned? You could have told me."
"I thought you already knew," said Silver quietly.
"I didn't. I would not have let it stand if I'd known."
Silver's eyes squinted with confusion. It hurt that he would assume the worst of Malleus—that Malleus would let him be hurt in front of him. It hurt far more to see him so sad. Listlessly looking down, speaking so quietly, accepting the hits without complaint. He'd been so lively as a child. Always smiling. Always giggling. What happened? What changed? What had they done?
He wished he could make it all disappear. He would do anything to make Silver smile.
"Do you wish to bear my name?"
"…Pardon?"
"I can make it happen," promised Malleus with a dangerous smile. "I am powerful enough that none would dare to oppose me."
"Bear your name?"
"You could be Silver Draconia."
A flush appeared on his cheeks. He stepped back. "Draconia…?"
The more he thought of it, the more Malleus wanted it. Others might complain—even his grandmother would be upset—but he had faith in his power. He would protect Silver. That was the role of family, was it not? He already had a claim over Silver anyway. This would only be a public demonstration of it.
"You should feel honored," he said cheerfully. "None have received this offer."
The gloom lifted off of Silver's face. He smiled slowly. It pushed up his cheeks, making his eyes close halfway. "Lord Malleus…"
"None of that. If we are to be family, you must call me by name only."
Silver shook his head, still bearing that sincere smile. "Thank you, but… I can't accept it."
Oh.
Malleus lowered his arms. "You refuse me."
"That's not it. I'm really happy that Lord Malleus would go this far for someone like me. But I can't accept it. It wouldn't make either of us happy."
Malleus scowled. "Do not presume my feelings."
Silver laughed softly. "Lord Malleus, everyone already knows I am bound to you."
"As my guard only," he said, still cross.
"I have sworn fealty to you. I will always belong with you."
"Hm." Malleus couldn't help his smile.
"But my bond with my father is invisible. Only those that were there will know," said Silver, voice growing quieter. "That's why I wish I could bear his name."
Malleus didn't understand. "Is it not to become his son?"
"I am his son," said Silver, although he didn't sound too sure. "It's only that I'm too selfish, and I want for more. Even if it's only some lines on paper, I wish I could be linked to my father forever… I wish our bond will withstand the passage of time."
"The passage… of time?" Malleus paled.
"I'm sorry, Lord Malleus, I know you feel uncomfortable with such topics."
"…Don't hold back on my account."
Silver pursed his lips, troubled. "If I am to be completely honest… what I want the most is for my tombstone to bear Father's name," he confessed quietly. "If Father were to leave me right now, everything would disappear. It would be like he'd never been part of my life. I'm sorry, I know that's very selfish of me."
Malleus glanced silently at the dorm room's door.
"If I could still be part of his memory once I'm gone, I would…" Silver exhaled shakily. He showed a small, subconscious smile. "I would be very happy."
Malleus sighed, closing his eyes.
He had misunderstood everything. Why had he let his own feelings overshadow Silver's? Silver had said he was neither sad not angry. He hadn't been lying.
All along, Silver had not doubted Lilia's love.
What he'd feared was not Lilia leaving him, but instead not having proof they were father and son. A gentle and docile child like him wouldn't oppose his father's decision to abandon him. He'd only wanted a reminder. A name. Similar to a doll to hug while waiting for his father to come home. Had Lilia not trained him into this? Teaching him every survival skill he knew. Leaving him as a child while he went sightseeing around the world. Enrolling at Night Raven while he was still a teenager. Securing him a career with Malleus before he was even an adult.
Silver had not been surprised that Lilia would abandon him. He'd only been surprised that he would be left with nothing.
"Hah," Malleus laughed shortly.
"Lord Malleus?"
"No, it's nothing…"
He could admit it now. He'd been jealous. Of Lilia, for having Silver. Of Silver, for having Lilia. He couldn't bear to witness them be torn apart when they had everything he wanted.
And he'd been scared. Terribly scared of what it would mean if they argued. Would Silver really leave as he matured? Would Lilia? Would anyone stay for him?
Silver had sworn he would always belong to him. He had to trust in that.
"May your wish come true, Silver."
May your father realize his stupidity. Malleus held back the words and instead smiled.
What pitiful people they all were.
Two orphans, drifting through the forest of long trees, tethered only to each other. He'd always planned to cut it out at the root, to let his child plant his own tree somewhere warmer.
Could he really tie Silver to him? Someone like him? Did he have that right? Oh, but it was so selfish. He had nothing more to give to Silver. He couldn't be sure he would survive this year, let alone the next… It would only bring more pain!
He wanted it.
Lilia stood with his back against Malleus's door, tasting salt, holding in his breath to hear more.
He really wanted it.
And Silver wanted it too.
"Here you are. The fixed version."
"Thank you?" Silver said unsurely, accepting the papers Professor Crewel handed over. He recognized them as the enrollment papers he'd received at the start of the school year. "Was there an issue with the print…?"
Professor Crewel was busy using his magic to wipe the board clean and keeping an eye on the students filtering out. "Your name," he answered distractedly.
Silver looked back down.
Name: Silver
Surname: Vanrouge
Legal Guardian(s): Malleus Draconia
"…Huh?" he murmured. He rubbed his eyes, then pinched himself.
"You're not asleep, puppy. Would you like me to prove that?" Professor Crewel cracked his whip in warning.
"There's an issue with my surname," said Silver, deciding that Malleus appointing himself legal guardian wasn't too surprising.
Professor Crewel lifted an eyebrow, smirk at the corner of his lips. "An issue?"
"I don't have a surname."
"Are you sure?"
Silver opened his mouth but nothing came out.
Professor Crewel nodded as if that was an answer in of itself. "So you're related to that second year Lilia Vanrouge, are you?" His smile twitched tensely. "At least the unruliness doesn't run in the family, hm?"
"I… No, we're not…" Silver struggled to find the words. How had his father's name appeared on there? Had Malleus added it?
Professor Crewel continued as if he hadn't spoken. "Vanrouge—that is, Vanrouge senior—is a full-blooded fae, isn't he? Perhaps as old as Draconia… or older." The way he looked at Silver, then, was enough to convey that he knew. He'd already figured out who Lilia was to him.
He knew Lilia had raised him.
Silver stood stiff. He left in a daze and walked down the halls. Students passed by him in a blur. He could not have said if anyone had talked to him or where he was going. Nothing reached him.
All he could see was the paper in his hands.
Surname: Vanrouge
Vanrouge.
Silver Vanrouge.
His steps slowed, then stopped.
The black ink on paper. Professor Crewel's teasing look.
He recognized the handwriting. The violent streaks, as if the slashing of a sword.
There was someone in this world who knew Lilia was his father.
Lilia wanted them to know he was Silver's father.
The long-awaited tears welled up, silent, and as he raised his head he saw his father standing before him, smiling with a secret.