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Kaladin was having a terrible day.
In fact, he was having a terrible week, and only about half of the reasons had to do with his anxiety ridden head.
It began on Monday when he forgot to pick up the takeout that he promised to Shallan and Adolin for dinner, on his way home from work. They were not angry at him for it, but Kaladin saw the disappointment (oftentimes Kaladin’s mind convinces him he sees things that aren’t actually there).
That only fueled the anxiety when on Tuesday both Adolin and Shallan seemed to be avoiding him. Of course, the logical part of Kaladin’s head tried to convince him that Adolin wasn’t avoiding him, he was at work and then had training in the evening, and Shallan was just always so busy with her projects for school. They had no reason to avoid him, right?
So why, when Kaladin came home in the afternoon after his classes Adolin gave him a skittish excuse and left the apartment, when they could’ve spent time together? And why did then Shallan spent the whole evening doing anything but paying attention to him? Was Kaladin being too greedy? Taking up too much of their time? They don’t have to spend every waking minute together…
Kaladin spent hours that night thinking of what he could’ve done wrong apart from the forgotten takeout, that could require such treatment, instead of sleeping. He tried to comfort himself with the fact that he was comfortably cuddled up to Shallan’s side while she slept in the prized middle spot. They wouldn’t let him in their bed if he was in trouble right? You can’t be in trouble, you’re a grown man not a little kid, he internally screamed at himself. Still, he didn’t sleep.
The lack of sleep and anxiety that only got progressively worse made his morning shift at the coffee shop and afternoon loaded with classes on a Wednesday a living hell. The errors he made at work seemed to pile up infinitely (in reality he got only two orders wrong, and the customers were nice people who didn’t even yell at him for it) and he wasn’t able to focus on the content of the classes at all, feeling like he was hearing all the terminology for the first time in his life.
That evening when he came home he was ready to tell Shallan and Adolin about how low he was feeling for the last couple days, but neither of them were home. He wrote a text asking where they were but reading it again, it sounded too… Controlling. He rewrote it about three times just to end up not sending anything. Tired both physically and mentally, he took a shower and went to bed.
On Thursday morning he stirred awake when Adolin’s alarm rang. To his surprise he realized that he spent the night in the middle of the bed, flanked by his lovers on both sides. Kaladin felt a mouth brush on his forehead and a gentle voice telling him to go back to sleep, so he did, with warmth spreading in his chest. Everything would be fine, right?
Thursday was definitely not fine. Apart from that brief moment before Adolin left to work, everything was just as bad as before if not worse. Adolin and Shallan acted strangely, and Kaladin’s anxiety was spiking, which again reflected in work and classes. The memory of a professor asking him a question that he didn’t know the answer to followed him around like his own personal rain cloud. On any other day it wouldn’t have made Kaladin feel like his education was a giant waste of time and money, but after the weeks he’s been having it did. Contemplating the weight of his academic failure was probably the reason why he didn’t notice the kid on the bike. Kaladin luckily came out of the collision that send him to the ground only with some scrapes on his arm and shoulder.
Friday was the last drop Kaladin could take.
Absolutely exhausted from another shitty day Kaladin wanted nothing else than to collapse in bed and pretend that he didn't exist. He carelessly kicked off his shoes and his backpack by the entrance door and passed the kitchen. His stomach was cramping from hunger, but the thought of food made him sick. The apartment seemed empty - which didn't surprise him anymore, it seemed that he barely saw Adolin or Shallan this week. He aimed for the bedroom but whispers coming from Shallan's art room slash Adolin home gym caught his attention. He didn't make it a habit to eavesdrop on his partners, but the fragments he heard stopped him in his tracks.
Shallan's voice was hushed and urgent. “I can’t do this anymore, Adolin," she whispered. "Lying to him every time I look at him."
“We’re not lying, we’re just not telling him,” said Adolin.
“That’s the same as lying!" raised Shallan her voice and then continued, sounding almost pained. "How much longer?”
“Just until we find a place for him, we can’t kick him out on the street.” The words punched air out of Kaladin's lungs. Were they talking about him? They didn't want him to live with them anymore?
Shallan continued, “I know, I don’t want to do that either, but Kal…” Kaladin's stomach cramped stronger, but it wasn't from hunger this time.
“I thought we could make it work at first," sighed Adolin, clearly disappointed but not surprised. "But after what happened I think it’s a lost cause.” What happened? What did I do? What did I do? pulsed in Kaladin's head. He took few steps back, as if he could run away from their hurtful words.
“We have to tell him…” Kaladin didn't hear what Shallan might've said next over the crashing sound of the picture frame that he sent flying down when his back hit the wall. The door opened and Shallan spotted him wide eyed. "Hi," she blurted out, no doubt knowing that she and Adolin were caught red-handed. "We-"
Kaladin panicked and the only thing he knew was that he didn't want to hear anything they had to say right now. He didn't want to hear we need to talk or we figured we'd be happier just the two of us or we don't want you anymore. So, spouting something along the lines of I have to go, he ran away.
He didn't get farther than the door out of the apartment. His shaky hands made it too difficult to slip on shoes, and it gave Shallan time to catch up.
"Kal!" she called after him. "We can explain, just-" she cut off and laid a hand on his back. "Just stop please."
Something in her voice made him look up at her from the ground where he was still trying to tie his laces. His mind was reeling with the speed of a thousand thoughts per second, and every single one was worse than the previous, but still, he stopped when he saw Shallan's face. He had battled his anxiety long enough to know that it was less painful to listen and talk than dig himself in a hole of something that his mind made up. Sometimes it was hard to remember it, and he had to fight for the thought to take a lead in his messed-up head.
So, Kaladin stopped his hands and took a deep breath. It didn't calm down his racing heart, the thought of impending confrontation making it beat fast enough to jump out of his chest, but it surely was the better alternative. He slipped off the one shoe he managed to get on and stood to his full height. He glanced at Shallan - and Adolin, who was now by her side - and they both seemed relieved.
"Just say it," Kaladin said, his voice less shaky than he expected it to be. He aimed his eyes at the wall, avoiding eye contact with either of them.
"I'm sorry we didn't tell you earlier, it's just that-" began Adolin but Shallan interrupted him.
"We're sorry, we shouldn’t have kept it from you-" And then they were speaking over each other. "It ends today, please Kal-" and "We found him all alone-" and "It's cold outside and he was wet and-" and "We'll find him a place today, and he'll be gone."
It took Kaladin a while to catch up over their apologetic babbling. Who were they talking about? It didn't sound like it was about Kaladin.
He stopped them both with raised hands. "Wait, wait, who are you talking about?"
Shallan and Adolin exchanged a quick glance. "Um, about the... Cat," said Adolin but it sounded more like a question.
Kaladin's mind reeled with more questions, but of a different kind this time. What the hell did the loves of his life do this time? "Cat?" he asked. "What cat?"
What he now recognized in both his lovers' faces was guilt, but not the kind that a person would feel when they lied to someone that they are still in love with them. The kind that Kaladin saw when Adolin accidentally dyed Shallan's favorite white dress pink in the wash. The kind that Shallan felt when she spilled her drink all over Kaladin's anatomy flash cards. The kind that he saw in the mirror when he stepped on Adolin’s designer shoes.
Adolin gestured with a finger to give him a minute and disappeared deeper into the apartment. Shallan still stood in front of him. "We found a kitten and it was wet and it had these sad eyes... So, we took it home," she started explaining.
Kaladin stared at her in disbelief until Adolin came back with a furry little bundle in his arms.
"When?" asked Kaladin flabbergasted.
"On Tuesday," admitted Shallan.
"Is that why you've been acting weird this whole week? Because you were hiding a cat in out apartment the whole time?" Kaladin asked, hoping for a positive answer that would finally douse all the doubt in him.
Adolin held the cat in one hand - because it was that small - and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Yeah."
"And just now what I heard about lying to me and finding a place for someone, that was about the cat?"
"About the cat," confirmed Shallan. "What else would it be about?" she asked with a tiny, amused smile on her face. It faded quickly when she saw Kaladin's expression and she realized. "Did you-"
"I had a terrible week, and I thought you don't love me anymore and that you are kicking me out," spewed Kaladin out quickly to get it over with. He would have to tell them either way, there was no avoiding it now.
Shallan was the first one to jump after him, wrapping her limbs around him and squeezing him with all her might. She pressed her head to his chest, as if she wanted to listen to his heartbeat. "Kal no, why would you even... We love you."
Adolin pressed close to him more carefully from the side due to the tiny cat he still cradled. He grabbed Kaladin's nape and pressed their foreheads together. "Don't ever think that, please," Adolin whispered.
Kaladin closed his eyes and let out a breath that felt like he was keeping it in since the first shitty morning on Monday. Adolin slid his fingers up through Kaladin's hair. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to us.”
"I'm sorry if we made you feel any different," mumbled Shallan into his chest.
Kaladin cradled the back of Shallan's head with one hand and Adolin's face with the other. "I should've said something sooner," he sighed and then added. "And you shouldn’t have hidden the damn cat."
"Sorry," Adolin said again.
Kaladin shook his head and then pulled Adolin in for a kiss. Once they parted he bent down and kissed Shallan too. "I love you too," he said quietly.
The rest of the late afternoon that quickly turned into evening was spent with lots of talking, explaining and more love professions. Adolin decided to cancel his late training and Shallan skipped a lecture, so they could all be together. The two of them explained how Adolin found the kitten and decided to bring it home while telling only Shallan about it because Kaladin hated cats (Kaladin didn’t). When Adolin said that he thought they could make it work but then deemed it lost cause, it was him referring to how Kaladin complained about cats in passing during this week. Kaladin himself couldn't even pinpoint when or why he said it. They were planning to find someone who could take the kitten, but they had no luck so far and they didn't want to put in a shelter. So, they kept it in their apartment, while hiding it from Kaladin, because they thought he would immediately kick the cat out. It explained how Kaladin felt that he barely saw either of them this week, either they were out convincing their friends to take the cat or getting supplies for the cat or just with it to keep it quiet.
Kaladin then in turn explained how terribly literally everything went for him, and how he almost told them but then didn't, worried about making things worse. When he spoke about what went through his head when he overhead the conversation there was an uncomfortable weight on his chest. There was more apologies and promises of forever and each word chipped at the weight until it was gone completely.
Later, Kaladin watched as the grey kitten padded around the living room, while cuddled up with Shallan and Adolin on the couch. "So, you still haven't found anyone who would take it?" he asked just for confirmation.
"No," sighed Shallan sadly and her breath tickled his ear where her head was laid on his shoulder.
Kaladin saw how much they both already loved the tiny creature. Hell, he liked it, it was so tiny and cute and curious, and even though it was partly the reason for how terrible he felt, he couldn’t blame it. Were there actually reasons why they couldn’t just keep it? They already went through all that trouble for it. "Let's just keep it, then," he said finally.
Adolin sprang up. "What?"
"I never said that I hated cats, or that I didn't like them. It can be ours," proposed Kaladin.
"Oh my god really?" squealed Shallan and began repeatedly kissing Kaladin's cheek.
Adolin mirrored her, although much calmly and fewer times. "Are you sure about that?"
"Are you sure about that?" Kaladin asked back.
Adolin smiled and firmly nodded while Shallan said yes about a hundred times already.
Kaladin watched as the kitten tried to jump up to the couch but failed. "Does he have a name?"
Shallan being closest to the cat scooped it up and planted it on Kaladin's lap. "No, we didn't want to get too attached."
Kaladin looked at her, utterly unconvinced of what she just said. She and Adolin were both attached more than enough. "Any suggestions?" He petted the kitten while it took few curious steps up his chest and hissed when its claws caught his skin. Adolin gently tapped the cat’s paws to make it stop digging the sharp tips in Kaladin.
"I'll tell you what I'm not suggesting," said Shallan. "Any of those basic bitch-ass cats names like Whisker or Paw or Oliver," she rolled her eyes at the last one.
Adolin frowned. "Is Oliver really a basic bitch-ass cat name? How many cats called Oliver do you know?"
"None but everyone knows that it is."
"Everyone who?" asked Adolin suspiciously.
"Just- Everyone-" Shallan sputtered.
"Okay, no Oliver," Kaladin put a stop to their bickering. "Anything else, that we would actually name the cat? Come on, anything."
When no one gave any suggestion Kaladin turned to Adolin. "Say a word. Any word, anything that comes to your mind."
Adolin's eyes ticked around for a second before he said, "Software."
"No," said Shallan seriously and immediately. The kitten got spooked when Kaladin's chest shook with laughter and padded on wobbly legs to Adolin.
"Sector?" said Adolin another word and she shook her head again. "Slice?"
"Why all the S names?" asked Kaladin still laughing at the suggestions.
Adolin shrugged and stroked the kitten's tiny head. "I don't know, feels like an S name kind of cat."
"What about Silver," suggested Shallan. "I bet he'll look silver when the sun hits him, like when black cats look brown."
Kaladin looked at Adolin, who nodded. "I like Silver."
Reaching towards to kitten, Kaladin petted it again and smiled softly. "Welcome to the family Silver."
After Silver finally got a name and all was well Shallan proposed a dinner and Kaladin's cramping hunger from when he came home earlier suddenly returned to him. The thought of food didn't make him sick anymore since everything had been explained and his anxiety was almost completely banished. The memories of the ugly feelings would linger for few days but Shallan and Adolin both knew that, so they would take extra care to remind Kaladin that he was loved and wanted.
Silver ran around the kitchen while the food was being prepared and exhausted himself just in time when everyone moved back to the living room to eat on the couch. Shallan picked him up from the floor and laid him down on the corner of the couch where he continued peacefully snoozing.
The dinner was simple, rice noodles with vegetables and chicken, but it was homemade and the most delicious thing Kaladin's ever tasted. He inhaled it in few minutes, and he felt much better afterwards. He couldn't really remember if he ate anything else during the day, overall, his appetite suffered this week. But that was gone now. At this very minute he didn't feel any of the fear or anxiety, just the comfortable silence filled with the soft chatter of the random reality show on the Tv.
When the food was eaten Adolin took one look at Shallan snuggled up and dozed off on Kaladin's shoulder and got up to clean up the plates. Kaladin's lids were getting heavier with each second, so let them fall shut. When he opened them again it was to Adolin's gentle smile and hand on his knee.
"Let's go to bed," he whispered.
Kaladin found the clock on the wall. "It's not even eight," he mumbled sleepily.
Adolin squeezed his knee and smiled softly. "And? You're tired, Shallan's dead asleep already."
"'m not asleep, “grunted Shallan and shifted.
Kaladin hissed at the sudden pain that spiked through his bicep.
Adolin quickly took his hand off, worried he caused it, and Shallan jumped up wide awake. "Kal?"
Kaladin softly rubbed the scabs hidden by his shirt. Up until now he completely forgot about the scrapes he got yesterday from the collision with the kid. Shallan’s movement had to rub too harshly on them. "It's nothing," he said.
That was of course not an acceptable answer. Shallan batted his hand away and lifted the short sleeve up until it revealed the scrapes. It wasn't anything big or serious, but Shallan's dramatic gasp surely did not convince Adolin of that. "How did this happen?" she asked with her face swallowed in concern. Adolin promptly scooted over to inspect the wound too.
"A kid on bike took me down yesterday, I didn't notice him and neither did he me. It could’ve been my face, instead my arm took the fall, but it's nothing really," he tried to play it off, but it was a lost cause because Shallan kept trying to pull up the sleeve further up to find the end of the gash.
Fingers softly traced the edge of the reddened wound. "Why didn't you tell us?" asked Adolin, his mouth turned down.
Kaladin gave Adolin a self-explanatory look and the question wasn't asked again.
"How far does it go?" asked Shallan in distress and pulled on Kaladin's shirt. "Take it off."
Kaladin tried to protest but it was fruitless. So, that’s how he ended up shirtless while Shallan and Adolin were fusing and inspecting the wound that stretched from his bicep to his shoulder. It looked much better than yesterday, and Kaladin was almost glad that he didn't tell them after it happened. His arm was raw and bloody then and he hated worrying them. Especially Shallan, as she – and Kaladin too, of course – had enough of it when they fused over the bruises Adolin got during his training.
Shallan shifted and threw her leg over him, settling on Kaladin's lap. His hands automatically landed on her thighs. "If you're hiding another wound..." she muttered under her breath and began inspecting the rest of his body. She slid her palms over his ribs, and when Adolin's hand pushed him forward slightly his back too. When Shallan deemed him otherwise okay, she grabbed his chin between two fingers. "I understand why you didn't, but you should've told us, Kal. But we also should've noticed, so I'm sorry."
"What she said," noted Adolin from the side.
"I'm sorry too," said Kaladin. "But in my defense, I honestly forgot about it today."
"I don't know if that excuses you or if it's concerning," sighed Adolin.
Shallan's grip on his chin tightened and she squinted at him, suspicion coloring her eyes. "It would be concerning only if he did it to himself on purpose."
Kaladin immediately firmly denied that, gripping her thighs firmer. "I did not. I wouldn't do that." He wasn’t big on self-harm, even back when his depression used to get the best of him.
Shallan's fingers let go of him and she put her palms on his shoulders, sliding them down his arm – especially careful around the gash – until she rested them on his forearms. "Good," she said and leaned down to softly kiss Kaladin's shoulder near the scabbed over wound. Her lips were warm and her breath raised goosebumps on his skin. Feeling the effect the single kiss had on him under her hands, she smiled into Kaladin's skin and kissed her way along his collarbone. The kisses were chaste and featherlight till he leaned his head back and she gained better access to his throat. She moved her hands on his bare chest, scraping her nails lightly on it. Kaladin's eyes fell shut when Shallan began sucking on the delicate skin on his neck, leaving behind a wet trail. She focused on one spot for a little too long and he had a fleeting thought that it would leave a mark, but he couldn't have cared less. Shallan tipped his head more to the side and moved on to his jaw, nipping at it lovingly.
Fingers slid into his hair, affectionately at first but then tugged firmly. Kaladin opened his eyes and found he was looking directly at Adolin, who took up the space by his side that Shallan previously occupied.
Adolin leaned in closer to him. "You're so beautiful like this," he murmured and pressed his lips to Kaladin’s in a hungry kiss.
Kaladin quickly lost himself in the attention of both his lovers. Shallan's mouth on him and Adolin's tongue in his mouth were coaxing low moans out of him, which only intensified when Shallan ground her hips down. He slid his hands to her waist and guided her movements, relieving some of the pressure he felt building inside him. Adolin licked his lower lip and they parted, breathing heavily. Kaladin's mouth didn't stay unoccupied for long though, because Shallan and Adolin seamlessly switched.
Shallan put more pressure into her kisses now as she was growing impatient for something more. Devouring his lips she murmured something unintelligible in between them. Kaladin would maybe try to decipher what she was saying if Adolin's teeth weren't tugging on his earlobe. "Bedroom," Adolin harshly whispered and Kaladin shivered when his warm breath hit him. His only answer was a needy moan.
Just when he was about to urge them to move a crash, glass breaking and then paws skidding away shattered the feverish atmosphere. Shallan twitched in his arms and alarmed they all looked at the source of the sound. Tiny glass shards twinkling in the light were all over the kitchen floor. Shallan slid of Kaladin's lap, and him and Adolin followed to inspect the damage done.
Fortunately, they found Silver quickly, hiding behind a potted plant in the hallway, and he was okay. He ran quickly enough that the glass didn’t touch him. Cleaning up the glass took a long while, as they had to make sure that not even the tiniest shards were left behind. It wasn’t hard to figure out what had happened; Silver was curious about the edge of a kitchen cloth hanging over the edge of the counter and pulled on it, which caused the two glasses that were drying on it to fall and shatter.
Shallan still fussed over the kitten even when Adolin and Kaladin were finished with the glass. The shards were wrapped in cloth and sealed with duct tape, to make sure that none would do any more damage after being thrown in the trash.
"Um, guys?" said Shallan hesitantly.
Naturally, Kaladin and Adolin immediately assumed that she found a cut that they had missed earlier.
"Is he okay?" asked Kaladin.
Shallan looked up from the kitten in her arms. "I don't think Silver is a 'he'."
Kaladin's brow furrowed when he comprehended what Shallan was saying. "You spent a week with that cat and haven't noticed that it doesn't have-"
"We spent a week hiding that cat while trying to keep it alive," jumped Adolin to their defense.
Shallan seemed to be concerned with something else entirely. "Is Silver a girl name?"
"Of course it's a girl name," said Adolin but Shallan didn't seem convinced.
Kaladin thought about it for a second. "What if we just call her Syl? It sounds girly, but there's still something from Silver."
Shallan booped the kitten on the nose. "What do you think baby? Do you want to be Syl?"
The kitten let out a tiny meow and to everyone it was a conformation. Kaladin reached for the kitten and patted it on the head. "Again then. Welcome to the family, Syl."