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If you asked Xie Lian if he felt pain, he would laugh awkwardly and say that he didn’t. But, the truth is, Xie Lian was always in pain. It was one of the only constant things in his life and one of the only things he could rely on to always be there. It was something that had almost become a friend.
Xie Lian didn’t like keeping secrets from Hua Cheng but after 800 years of suffering in silence, it had become a hard habit to break. So, he hid the bad days. He hid the days that made in near impossible to get out of bed and to keep a smile on his face. He pretended like everything was fine and if there was one things Xie Lian was, it was a good actor.
It was hard though. The pain reminded him of times he would rather forget. It brought him back and sometimes the memories were so strong it was like he was living through them once more. But even so, he persisted. He pretended. He played the role he needed to to make sure he wasn’t a burden to anyone.
Over the hundreds of years that he had been in pain for, some might think that he would have gotten used to it. When Xie Lian started having it and when he realised that it wouldn’t go away, he too thought that he would get used to it. But life played a cruel joke on him and made it so that he never did.
Xie Lian didn’t even fully wake up before he had the harrowing revelation that his pain had never been so bad before. He couldn’t even vocalise how much pain he was in as Hua Cheng was lying right next to him, probably already awake. When he was alone, he would sometimes let himself have one or two groans before he got on with it. He didn’t want to worry Hua Cheng though.
Xie Lian opened his eyes and turned to face his husband, a small smile on his face as Hua Cheng turns to face him as well. “Morning, San Lang. How are you today?” Hua Cheng gently caresses Xie Lian’s face.
“Perfect. How about you, Gege?”
“Perfect.” Xie Lian hated how easily the lie came, and how convincing it sounded. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stay around Hua Cheng that day, that if he did, he would let slip how much pain he was in. “I have things I need to be doing today. Up in the Heavens. I’m sorry I won’t be able to spend time with you today.”
Hua Cheng almost pouts at that and Xie Lian can tell that he had wanted to spend all day with him, doing whatever. Xie Lian was consumed with guilt that he couldn’t do that with Hua Cheng. Even if he wasn’t lying through his teeth, he wouldn’t have been able to do whatever Hua Cheng had had planned for them that day.
They both went about their morning routine before Xie Lian kissed his husband goodbye and left for the Heavens. He knew Hua Cheng would find out if he hadn’t actually ascended. It wasn’t that Hua Cheng didn’t trust him. Xie Lian knew he just liked to make sure Xie Lian was safe.
The Heavens was packed with people as usual and Xie Lian avoided all of them. He just wanted to make his way to his palace and curl up on the bed and avoid anyone who might want to speak to him. But centuries of bad luck didn’t just go away, even if he didn’t have his cursed shackles anymore.
“Your Highness!” Feng Xin ran up to him and looked glad to see him. “I didn’t expect to see you here today. I though I would have to contact you through the array. I need your help with something.”
Xie Lian had to fight himself not to sigh. Or to scream. Even just standing was way too much for his body and now he actually had work to do. Still, he smiled at Feng Xin and gestured for him to continue. He knew he couldn’t trust his voice at that moment.
“There is a Fei that has been wondering around, causing chaos. Both Mu Qing and I have sent disciples down to try and eradicate it with no success. We hoped that you would be able to help us.” Feng Xin quickly explained. Fei could be a nightmare to deal with.
Xie Lian knew he shouldn’t help them, not with how he was feeling. But, him, Feng Xin and Mu Qing were starting to get close again and he didn’t want to let them down by refusing to help them. So, he nodded and decided that he would deal with the shear amount of pain he was in later that day when he got the chance.
When the three of them descended from Heaven, they wondered around for a while, trying to find the trail of death that the Fei would have inevitably left in it’s path. For some reason, they couldn’t find its trail and that started an argument between Feng Xin and Mu Qing.
“You idiot! You said that it was around here somewhere! Where is it?!” Mu Qing shouted and Xie Lian had to suppress a wince at the raised voice as he turned around to look at the two of them arguing.
“Well I thought it was! It’s not like you were any help in finding it!” Feng Xin yelled back and the two of them kept arguing.
Xie Lian started to get more and more overwhelmed with the pain in his body. He was sick of the pain and he was sick of them arguing. It was causing him to have a headache and he really didn’t want to be in any more pain than he was. “Will you two just be quiet!” Xie Lian snapped.
It was completely out of character for him which caused both Feng Xin and Mu Qing to instantly cease their argument to look at him in utter shock. Xie Lian felt guilt and so he took a deep breath before he started again. “Arguing will do nothing to help us. So, please, just stop.” Xie Lian spoke in a much calmer voice but it did nothing to reduce the worry that Feng Xin and Mu Qing felt.
They stopped their arguing though and that was what Xie Lian wanted in the first place so he just continued looking for the Fei. The pain was beginning to pull at Xie Lian’s very being though and he had to stop himself from limping as he walked which was beyond difficult as he was close to just collapsing on the floor.
It must have taken half the day to even just find the right place and even more time to find the Fei. By that time, Xie Lian pain had developed. If it had been the worst he had felt before having to deal with this, it was now astrochemically worse than that. He was barely conscious, hanging on by a thread while he still had to pretend he was fine. His façade was fading though and he knew he couldn’t keep it up for much longer.
Still, he fought. He fought the Fei and he fought to keep his composure throughout the fight. To not let the pain show but by doing that, it consumed most of his concentration and he knew his fighting was sloppy at best and dangerous at worst. Feng Xin and Mu Qing didn’t comment on it until the fight was over.
“What is wrong with you? You never fight like that. If you didn’t want to join us, you could have just said.” Feng Xin looked hurt and Mu Qing just looked displeased.
“It’s not that. I just have a lot on my mind right now. I’ll do better next time.” Xie Lian said simply. He knew his voice sounded weak but he didn’t have any more energy to fix that.
“Yeah right.” Mu Qing scoffed. “So much on your mind that you didn’t notice that you’re bleeding?” Mu Qing crossed his arms and Xie Lian looked himself over quickly to see what he was talking about. His arm was bleeding. It wasn’t bad and because of the pain he was already in, it made sense to him why he hadn’t noticed it.
“Yeah, I guess so. I’m sorry to have caused so much trouble. I’ll leave you two be now.” Xie Lian whispered and he ascended to Heaven again and made his way to his palace. He didn’t attend to his arm. He couldn’t care less about that. He just went to the bed and laid down on it.
He finally let himself express the amount of agony he was in and he started crying. That soon turned into sobs and his body began shaking. Any movement at all made everything worse but he couldn’t stop it. He also began to sweat immensely while he also began to feel incredibly sick as his body protested the pain.
He thinks he screamed a few times but his mind had started to become muddled. His mind kept bringing him back to all the times that caused his pain. Of Bai Wuxiang causing him to be stabbed 100 times. Of being trapped in the coffin with a stake through his heart, keeping him trapped. Of when he tried to kill himself after seeing his parents bodies. So much inescapable pain.
He was brought back to the present as he began to throw up. He didn’t have it in him to make it to the bathroom so he was just sick right on the sheets of his bed. He didn’t care. He was in too much pain to care. His body wouldn’t even grant him to reprieve of falling unconscious. Xie Lian didn’t know if he should laugh or cry.
That was how Hua Cheng found him. In a mix of blood and vomit, body shaking and tears rolling down his face. Xie Lian heard Hua Cheng run to him, checking him over. When he only found the small cut on Xie Lian’s arm, he began to be confused.
“Gege, what happened? Why are you in so much pain?” Hua Cheng watched as Xie Lian tried to speak but all that came out was a sob. Xie Lian couldn’t speak. “Gege, I’m going to move you. Scream if it hurts but I need to take you back to Paradise Manor. I’ll fix this, don’t worry Dianxia.” Xie Lian could make out several wavers in Hua Cheng’s voice. He was scared.
When Hua Cheng picked him up, Xie Lian did indeed scream. He didn’t have it in him to hide his pain anymore. He didn’t have it in him to hide it from Hua Cheng anymore. He never should have done it in the first place. He had known this sort of thing would be inevitable.
The next thing Xie Lian knew, he was being placed on a soft bed and Hua Cheng shouted for Yin Yu to get a healer. Xie Lian tried to protest, tried to say that he didn’t need to be seen but it just resulted in him sobbing more and Hua Cheng looking even more worried. He was glad when his body finally had enough and he fell unconscious.
———————
When Xie Lian woke up, the first thing he realised was that his pain was more manageable. It was nowhere near as bad as it was before and for that, he was incredibly grateful. The second thing he noticed, when he opened his eyes, was that Hua Cheng was fast asleep, hunched over from a chair onto the bed, holding Xie Lian’s hand.
When Xie Lian moved, even just a small bit, Hua Cheng shot up and looked at Xie Lian as if he had seen a ghost. When he realised that Xie Lian was awake, he started fussing over him. Xie Lian had to stop him. “San Lang, it’s okay. I’m okay. I’m sorry for scaring you earlier.” Xie Lian held Hua Cheng’s hands tight and smiled at him.
Looking at Hua Cheng closer, the other man had been crying. Xie Lian let go of one of Hua Cheng’s hands and brushed a finger under his eye. After he did that, Xie Lian sat up slowly, Hua Cheng helping him before he put a bunch of pillows behind Xie Lian to make him more comfortable. Xie Lian winced a little as he moved but it wasn’t anything too bad and he could tell the wound on his arm had been healed.
“Dianxia, are you okay? Does it hurt again?” Hua Cheng looked just about ready to call another healer but Xie Lian shook his head.
“No, San Lang, it doesn’t hurt. Not too much anyway. I just ache.” Whenever Xie Lian’s pain reached any kind of peak, when it got better, his body usually ached for days afterwards. It was something that he had long since gotten used to. “San Lang, sit with me?”Hua Cheng hesitated before he sat down next to Xie Lian on the bed. Xie Lian moved himself to snuggle into Hua Cheng. He wanted the comfort, and to comfort, his husband. Hua Cheng wrapped his arms around Xie Lian and they stayed quiet for a while. However, after a while, Xie Lian knew that Hua Cheng had questions and Xie Lian was finally ready to tell the truth.
“I have chronic pain.” Xie Lian said simply. He felt Hua Cheng’s arms around him tighten but the other man didn’t seem too surprised. “I’m sorry I hid it and didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Why?” Hua Cheng asked and it sounded like he was close to tears. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did I do something to make it so you do not trust me?”
Xie Lian started shaking his head back and forth and he moved from where he was leaning up against Hua Cheng to turn and face him. “No! No, that’s not it.” Xie Lian took a deep breath before he continued. He needed to calm down. “San Lang, pain is something I am used to. Something that has been with me for hundreds of years. I don’t even notice it sometimes. And…I don’t want to be a burden to you.” Xie Lian looked down at the bed, not wanting to look Hua Cheng in the eye.
However, Hua Cheng had different ideas. He gently moved Xie Lian’s head up to look at his face. “Dianxia, Gege, you could never be a burden to me. Never. I love you. I wish to know when you are hurting so I can help you, I wish to know when you are happy so I can be happy with you. I wish to know everything about you. You could never burden me with anything.”The dam broke and Xie Lian began to sob. Hua Cheng gathered Xie Lian in his arms once more and held him as he sobbed. “It hurts! It hurts so much San Lang and I don’t know how to make it stop! I don’t want to be in pain anymore!”
Hua Cheng continued to hold him, whispering in Xie Lian’s ear that he knew. That he would try to help as best as he could. There was no cure to chronic pain and that was the best that Hua Cheng could promise and even though Hua Cheng thought it would never be enough, Xie Lian though it was more than enough.
When Xie Lian calmed down, Hua Cheng continued to hold him but Xie Lian wanted to have a bath. His body still ached and he knew that the warm water would help, even if it’s just a little. “San Lang, can we have a bath?”
Hua Cheng nodded and scooped Xie Lian up into his arms and carried him to their bath. It was a massive bath, bigger than either of them would have ever needed but Xie Lian liked it. Xie Lian let Hua Cheng undress him before he undressed himself and he let himself be carried into the bath and gently deposited into it. He could have done it himself but he recognised that Hua Cheng wanted to look after him right now.
Xie Lian sighed happily as the warm water did its work. The ache subsided and while it didn’t get ride of it, it helped a lot. Over the centuries, before Xie Lian had been reunited with Hua Cheng, he had never really had the opportunity to have a bath to ease his pain but the couple of time he had, they had helped.
“San Lang, I know I said it before but I want to say it again. I’m sorry.” Xie Lian said in a quiet voice. Hua Cheng sighed and started running his hands through Xie Lian’s hair.
“I know, Gege. I still do not feel like you need to apologise. I understand. You have been so alone for so long. It is only natural that you keep things to yourself.” Hua Cheng began the process of washing Xie Lian’s hair and Xie Lian closes his eyes. “Please tell me next time though. I do not wish for you to go through this alone any longer.”
“Okay. I promise.” And Xie Lian was being truthful when he said that. He never should have hid it in the first place, let alone kept it a secret for so long. “I should tell Feng Xin and Mu Qing. I shouted at them earlier.” Hua Cheng hummed and Xie Lian could tell he was curious. “I was lying, earlier, when I said I had business up in the Heavens. However, when I got up there, Feng Xin requested my help to track down and eradicate a Fei. Mu Qing was there and they started arguing as they usually do. I shouted for them to stop.”
Hua Cheng snorted and Xie Lian shook his head. He knew the relationship between Hua Cheng, Feng Xin and Mu Qing was rocky at best, even now. He clearly found it funny that Xie Lian had yelled at them. Still, Xie Lian wanted to apologise to them and maybe given them an explanation as to why he snapped.
During the bath, they each took their turns taking care of each other. They washed each others hair, taking their time doing it. And then, when they exited the bath, they took their time drying each other. Sure, Hua Cheng could dry them both off instantly with a bit of spiritual power but it was nice. Taking care of each other like they were.
After that, they got dressed into some light robes and went to bed holding each other close. Xie Lian was happy to be safe in his husbands arms. He brought up Hua Cheng’s ashes up to his mouth and kissed them. He heard Hua Cheng laugh. “Gege, you don’t need to kiss my ashes. I’m right here.”Xie Lian let out a small laugh and he moved a bit to kiss Hua Cheng’s lips who kissed him back, very enthusiastically. They stayed like that for a while, just kissing each other, before tiredness caught up with Xie Lian and he closed his eyes before he fell into a peaceful sleep.
——————
A few days later, Xie Lian’s pain was back at its normal level after he had had a few days of it being not too bad. It had taken a bit to get used to it again and Hua Cheng had helped him through it, holding him when it got more than he could safely manage and soothing him when it brought back unwanted memories.
Now that he had gotten used to it, he had asked Feng Xin and Mu Qing to meet up with him at Puqi Shrine. Hua Cheng had offered to come with but Xie Lian had told him he wanted to do it himself and didn’t want to cause any arguments between the three of them. Feng Xin and Mu Qing had agreed to meet him and so he waited at his shrine.
They came into his shrine without knocking but Xie Lian didn’t mind. He just got up from where he had been sitting and made them some tea as they got comfortable. He served it before he sat down himself. “I’m glad the two of you came. I have something I want to tell you both, something I have been hiding for a very long time. Before I say that though, I just want to apologise again for how I acted with the Fei.”
“Yeah, whatever. Just don’t do it again.” Mu Qing said as he took a sip of his tea. Feng Xin looked like he wanted to start arguing with Mu Qing but he didn’t.
“What did you want to tell us?” Feng Xin asked. His voice was a lot softer than Mu Qing but Xie Lian was long since used to Mu Qing’s attitude and it didn’t necessarily mean he cared any less.
Xie Lian took a deep breath before he told his secret. “I have chronic pain. I have had it for hundreds of years by this point. The day we went hunting, it was the worst it had ever been. That’s why I snapped, and that’s why I was nowhere near my best. Again, I am sorry.”
Feng Xin and Mu Qing looked at him in shock for a while. Xie Lian started drinking his own tea to distract himself from the silence. It was unlike both of them to remain quiet for so long. Eventually, he had had enough of it and spoke up. “Say something? Please?”
“Why did you never tell us?” Feng Xin whispered and it was the question that Xie Lian had expected.
“Well, um, we weren’t in contact for the majority of it. And, after that, I was just used to it. I didn’t think of it as a big thing but after what happened a few days ago, I thought it would be good to let you know.” Xie Lian explained simply. He had planned his answer in advance and knew that it was best to keep his answer as simple as possible.
“How often are you in pain. I know you said that it’s chronic but…” Mu Qing didn’t finish his sentence. Xie Lian didn’t know what else Mu Qing had been planning on saying but didn’t question him about it.
“All the time. Some more so than others but it’s all the time.” Xie Lian looked down at the table and sighed. He knew it was never easy finding out someone you knew was in constant pain. There was silence again before both Feng Xin and Mu Qing pulled him into a hug. Xie Lian quickly hugged them both back, a small smile on his face.
The hug didn’t last long but they remained close. “You tell us, the next time you can’t do something, okay?” Mu Qing said and Xie Lian nodded.
The three of them spent some more time together but when it started getting late, Xie Lian went back to Ghost City to be back with Hua Cheng. He had enjoyed his time with Feng Xin and Mu Qing but he was excited to get home and rest.
As soon as he Xie Lian saw Hua Cheng, he walked straight over to him and hugged him before he kissed Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng kissed Xie Lian back before pulling away. “Welcome home, Gege.”