The Guardian Angel

by Sharon1994

Summary:

On a cold winter evening, Rafael meets Santa.

When asked for his wish, he answers with the one thing he wants most: love.

Will he get what he has always wished for, or will he end up alone again?

Notes:

• For MargoBlack.

Soooo. Here is my Christmas Story for my wonderful and extraordinary beta MargoBlack.

Thank you so much for putting up with my stories and supporting me so much!

I hope you like.

Have a Merry Christmas. 🥰😘

Plus: Big shoutout to Valntine who did the betaing on this story!

Chapter 1

Rafael sat on the bar stool looking at his watch. Trevor was late. Again. Sighing he sipped on his scotch. It seemed like Trevor had something better to do than meet up with him at the bar. It seemed like everyone around him was settling down, while he was the one who didn’t have any luck in finding someone.

The bell over the door rang.

He didn’t even bother to look up. It had already been wasted energy the last few times, so he wouldn’t repeat it.

“Hey, sorry—I know. I’m late.”

Rafael looked up, raising an eyebrow. “I won’t even ask what it is this time.” he muttered, while Trevor greeted him with a short kiss on the cheek.

Trevor sighed and looked at him. “I am really sorry. And I know it's time to be honest with you.”

“You don’t even have to tell me.”

“What? Was it this obvious?”

Rafael couldn’t help himself but laugh. “My job is to read people. You, my friend, have been so happy for the last couple of weeks, it was almost disgusting. That and you coming late or canceling our meetings, have been a pretty good indicator for me.”

Trevor laughed. Trying not to get lost in his own thoughts Rafael spent the next two hours listening to the other man, speaking about the new love in his life.

It felt pathetic.

Rafael couldn’t help but wonder how it felt to really love someone. Judging from the brightness of Trevor's eyes, as well as the huge smile, it had to be an incredible feeling.

When they finally said goodbye. He reminded Trevor to not forget about him, even if he was happy with his new boyfriend.

Outside the bar they parted.

For a moment he just stayed still, looking up to the clear sky. There was no cloud to be seen. It was crystal clear and the stars were shining brightly. The air was cold, but at least it wasn't raining or snowing. He pulled the collar of his coat up a bit.

It was the first Sunday of advent, it was peaceful. The city was shimmering brightly with all the Christmas decorations. He looked around while he was walking home. The people around him were chattering delightedly, enjoying the atmosphere.

It was beautiful.
It felt light.

A full contrast to the pain and agony he saw every day at work.

When he came by a small choir, he stopped. Listening to the singing. It sounded really good and he was someone who appreciated good music. Those singers seemed to be pretty talented. They had a hat on the pavement collecting money. Smiling, he took out his wallet. He nodded goodbye when he continued his way home.

Pulling his shoulders higher to protect himself a bit from the cold, he wandered through the streets, when he saw Santa Clause at the side of the street, ringing a bell and collecting money.

Well, it was not Santa Clause himself of course.

He stopped, pulling out his wallet again.

“Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas.”

Rafael looked at the man. The beard looked natural, the costume was pretty good too, as well as the deep voice greeting him. It looked like they had spent good money on this Santa.

“Merry Christmas,” he said softly, putting a few dollars in the collection jar.

“What do you wish for, young man?” Rafael chuckled a bit.

Young man.

He was barely able to hold back a snort.

That had a nice touch, though.

“I think I'm a bit too old for Santa to grant me a wish.” He said, but played along.

The man laughed, looking at him intently. He had kind eyes. Rafael felt like he was looking directly into his soul.

“It is never too late for Santa to grant you a wish.”

Rafael thought about it for a moment. He wasn’t eager to tell some stranger his secret wishes, but otherwise he couldn’t help himself. The calm he felt in the other man’s presence was unsettling in the best way, like an exhale he hadn’t realized he’d been holding for years.

“I want… something real,” he said quietly. “Not perfect. Just honest. Someone who stays.”

It wouldn’t hurt admitting it out loud.

Would it?

“If Santa would still grant me a wish, I would wish for feeling love and being loved for real,” he admitted, finally. His own voice was soft, revealing a vulnerability he barely recognized in himself.

The words lingered between them, fragile and honest. Rafael half-expected the other man to smile politely or deflect, the way people did when confronted with something too real. Instead, there was only warmth in his expression—quiet, unwavering.

“That’s not a small wish,” the man said gently.

Rafael let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “No,” he agreed. “But it’s the one I’ve wanted the longest.”

The expression on ‘Santa’s’ face grew soft. “That isn’t a wish I hear often.”

Rafael snorted. “Oh yeah. I bet.”

“No. It wasn’t meant like this. Most people wish for fortune or material things in general. They don’t even think about human relationships. I like your wish. Especially since you wished not only for someone who loves you, but also for someone for you to love. It shows that you have a kind and genuine heart.”

First he thought the other man was laughing at him. Knowing how pathetic it sounded in his own head. But the other man just looked at him with gentle and understanding eyes.

“Th-Thanks.” he stammered, overwhelmed by all the kindness this stranger was giving him. It seemed like the right one was hired to play Santa.

“I’ll see what I can do for you.”

Did Santa just wink at him?

He shook his head. Now he was imagining things. “Have a nice evening.” he said his goodbye.

The conversation kept replaying in his mind. He had the feeling he was missing something out here. But to be honest, he couldn’t care less. With everything he saw at work, why should he be questioning a nice conversation with a nice old man? The world was already sharp enough. This moment felt soft, and he wanted—just for once—to let it stay that way.

 

He smiled a bit to himself. Asked about it he would absolutely deny it. But still, this small conversation had given him a nice feeling. For the first time in months, he felt like a small weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Rafael opened the door to his apartment and switched the light on. At first he didn’t even look up, putting his briefcase by the side of the chair. He went to his kitchen taking out his scotch.

When he turned he let out a yelp. The bottle fell on the ground breaking into a thousand pieces.

“What the–?”

In the middle of his living room stood a stranger, watching him with a familiarity that made Rafael’s chest tighten.

The first thing Rafael noticed were the blue eyes. They were clear like the ocean.

He took in the appearance of the stranger. Tall and incredibly sexy. He shook his head. How the hell was that his first thought, when apparently someone had broken into his apartment.

Rafael should be panicking.

Should be scared.

But he didn’t feel anything in that direction. Which made no sense at all. He was an ADA—trained to assess threats, conditioned to expect them. A visible target for criminals with grudges and long memories.

And yet, standing there in his own living room, facing a stranger who did not belong, the fear simply never came. For some reason he didn’t understand he felt a strange calm.

There seemed to be an aura around him. The air around the man seemed to buzz with a strange kind of energy.

“Who are you?” he asked. “What are you doing in my apartment?”

The other man looked like a deer in the headlights, but didn’t answer. It seemed like he was weighing his options. But strangely he didn’t even look in the direction of the door. It seemed like he wasn’t planning on leaving.

Rafael knew there was no way he would stand a chance in a fight. Even without the spike of fear he expected, instinct kicked in, urging him to prepare for the worst. If this went badly, his only option would be to talk—stall, de-escalate, survive.

“I am not here to hurt you,” the stranger said calmly.

“So you actually have a voice.”

Dammit, Rafael. So much for talking himself out of danger.

“Sorry, I was just surprised you were able to see me.”

Rafael’s eyebrows shot up, nearly reaching his hair.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

His eyes swept over the man again, taking in every detail with a prosecutor’s precision. No visible weapon. No tense posture, no telltale signs of someone ready to strike. That had to count for something. A good sign—at least for now.

“I think you should sit down, I'm pretty sure you wouldn’t believe me, even if I told you.”

“What if I don’t sit down?” Testing the waters seemed to be about right, given the situation.

“Then just don't, I don't care.” the stranger answered right away.

Again.

A good sign.

“So what is this about? Why would you be surprised about me seeing you?”

The stranger smirked a bit. “Typical ADA. Straight to the point.”

God, was that a gorgeous smile, or what?

 

“What about giving answers? I really would like to know why you are in my apartment and why you think that I wouldn’t be able to see you.”

Silence.

Arms crossed, he waited for an answer.

“I am your Guardian Angel.”

Rafael snorted. “That's new even for me and I have heard a lot dumb excuses for burglary.”

“Oh come on. I know you're cynical, but now you're just being mean.”

He decided to ignore the frustration. “Well, give me a better explanation. Right now I am pretty sure I'll call the cops on you.”

A laugh.

“I would certainly like to see you try.”

Well, wasn’t this a sassy guy?

“Wait a second. I'll show you.”

In the blink of an eye the blue eyed stranger disappeared and reappeared next to him. Rafael flinched hard, nearly hitting the kitchen counter with his body.

“What in heaven's sake?”

The angel snickered. “That's a really funny thing to say to an angel, don't you think?”

“Oh my God!”

The angel burst into laughter, nearly doubling over. “You really are putting your foot in your mouth tonight, aren’t you?”

“I thought it would be enough that I'm already surrounded by idiots at work. There's no need to have this,” he gestured to the angel, “around me, when I'm at home.”

“Now you're just being rude.”

Barba sighed. “I’m too old for this shit,” he muttered, dropping onto the couch and dragging a hand down his face in pure exhaustion.

Since he was fairly certain burglaries didn’t involve teleportation—or angels with a sense of humor—he settled on guardian angel as the most reasonable explanation available.

His day had been too long, too draining, to question it any further. Right now, accepting the impossible felt easier than fighting it.

“And what now? You show me my past, present and future?”

The Angel looked at him in an oddly accusatory way, arms crossed in front of his chest. It looked ridiculous. Now Rafael was the one to snicker taking in the sight.
“I am not a ghost.”

Was he really offended by Rafael’s assumption—or was that just another thing his tired brain was inventing?

“What is your name?” Rafael finally asked when the angel didn’t make any move to answer his question.

“Dominick Carisi Jr., but everyone calls me Sonny.”

“Sonny?” Rafael echoed, one eyebrow arching. “Does anyone actually call you that, or are you just trying very hard to make it happen?”

He got an offended look, again.

“Okay, Sonny it is.” he said softly, taking in Sonny's appearance again. There was a strange calm inside of him. Still no sign of freaking out about what was happening here. “That explains the golden shimmer in the air around you.”

Sonny smiled sheepishly, actually blushing a bit by his comment. Apparently the other man took it as a compliment.

Despite being exhausted from his day at work, his mind was sharp. The thoughts running through his mind.

“If you are my Guardian Angel,” he thought aloud. “have you been around me my whole life?”

Nodding softly, Sonny threw him an apologetic look. “I did my best to protect you, but we aren't allowed to actually interfere in human actions. So I wasn’t able to protect you from the violence and the pain.”

Rafael stayed silent for a long moment, letting the words sink in. This… man standing in front of him was apologizing for things his father had done.

A lump formed in his throat at the thought that this—this simple, sincere apology—was more than either of his parents had ever given him.

He had waited his whole life to hear those words.

Words no one had ever said to him before.

Now this man, or angel, was standing in front of him saying it, although he wasn’t the one to blame.

Memories rushed into his head.

Memories he had suppressed for most of his life.

Inside of his mind he saw himself as a child, hurting from his fathers belt and fists. The pain throbbing through his body, asking himself what he had done wrong to deserve this.

Then he remembered something else he had felt in that moment.

A warmth.

An unexplainable warm feeling, like someone holding him close, trying to ease his pain.

The sight of blue eyes.

Blue eyes looking at him, so gentle and caring.

He remembered the peace he felt in those moments.

Rafael's eyes widened when realization hit him. “You were the one holding me through the worst moments of my life.”

“Yeah.”

Nothing more.

Just this word. Sonny wasn’t even proud that he had been there for him.

No. Instead he was feeling bad for not being able to do more about it.

All his life Rafael had thought it had been his imagination. An escape to feel better about himself.

“Thank you. I don’t know how I'd have gotten through it, if it hadn't been for you.” he admitted quietly. “I remember the feeling of your arms around me. I felt like I was the loneliest person in the world until I suddenly saw you. Until I felt you.”

He realized Sonny was still standing in the middle of the room, awkwardly.

“Please take a seat.”

He gestured to the empty space on the sofa he was sitting on. Sonny smiled thankfully and sat down.

“Why are you visible to me now?” He asked, watching the angel sitting on the couch beside him.

“I am here to help you to get your Christmas wish.”

“Of course you heard that,” he mumbled. A flush of embarrassment creeping up his neck.

“I thought it was a cute wish. Just like Santa.”

He groaned. “Just shoot me now.”

Sonny laughed. “It will be fun. Maybe we'll be our own little version of Hitch - The Date Doctor.”

Rafael shot the angel a look.

What had he gotten himself into?

Chapter 2

Notes:

Thanks for your help, Val!

The next morning Rafael looked right into Sonny's eyes when he woke up. With a yelp he jumped out of bed. "Goddammit. What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?”

At least Sonny tried to look sorry for startling him so badly. “I was bored from staying in the living room since there isn’t so much to do when you can’t actually touch or move something.”

“So you decided to watch me sleeping instead? Do you have any idea how creepy that is?”

Sonny looked down sheepishly and it dawned to Rafael.

“I hesitate to ask,” he started, “but this hasn’t been the first time. Am I right?” He closed his eyes, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer to that question. Maybe it was better to leave some things unsaid. But being Sonny, the other man couldn’t help himself—he answered the ridiculous question anyway and Rafael already regretted asking it.

“You look really cute when you are sleeping. There isn't even any snoring involved.”

Rafael knew Sonny meant to defend himself.

It seemed to take the angel a second to realize how creepy this sounded right after the words had left his mouth. His eyes widened in an adorable way. Sonny clamped his mouth shut and stayed silent. Probably not wanting to make it even worse.

“Whatever. I'm going to go take a shower now. Hopefully without you surprising me.” He grumbled, raising an eyebrow looking at Sonny.

“I would never do that!” he exclaimed, clearly offended that Rafael would even think him capable of something like that.

“Well isn’t that reassuring?” Rafael shook his head and stopped for a second. “How about I turn on the TV so it isn’t that boring for you anymore?”

Sonny's face lit up.

“You would do that for me?”

“I would." Any preferences?” he asked, holding up the remote.

Sonny looked at him blankly, clearly at a loss.

“Maybe a TV show?”

Rafael considered it for a moment, then grinned. A sitcom felt right—light, uncomplicated. He queued up The Big Bang Theory and set it to play.

“The next episode will start automatically,” he explained. “So you won’t even have to touch the remote if you want to keep watching.”

He went to the bathroom and stepped under the shower, letting the water cascade over him. His thoughts drifted back to the evening before. It felt like a fever dream—soft-edged and unreal—but the fact that Sonny was still here told him it had been real after all.

Still he wasn’t sure what to think about it.

He remembered the old man.

Was it possible that it had been the actual Santa?

He shook his head.

“Get a grip on yourself!”

There was no way he would start believing in Fairytales now, as an adult.

He had to admit that angels might actually exist in real life—but he had never been the one meant to get the happy ending. His childhood had taught him that lesson far too well.

Life just wasn’t a Hallmark Movie where the happy ending was always waiting for you.

He knew for sure that the angel sitting on his couch wouldn't be able to fulfill his wishes. Instead he would get his hopes up and be disappointed again. He left the shower and got ready for work. Then he went into the bedroom and chose the suit for the day.

Going back into the living room he looked at Sonny. Realization hit him.

“Since you’re my guardian angel,” Rafael said, glancing over at him, “you’ll be following me to work, right?”

The angel nodded slowly and Rafael sighed.

He really needed to find a way to keep his focus on work. He couldn’t be caught talking to thin air—especially when no one else could see Sonny but him.

Rafael had absolutely no desire to end up in a psychiatric ward.

Going outside the apartment he put his headphones in his ears. Getting a weird look from Sonny he sighed.

“I can't walk around here speaking to myself. With the headphones the people around me will just think that I am on the phone, speaking to an actual person.”

“If it helps, I was an actual person, once.” The admission was quiet, barely audible.

Rafael stopped dead in his tracks and looked at Sonny, who looked at him kind of lost. How was it possible he hadn’t thought about it once? Especially since his job was questioning everything.

“Do you know anything about your former life?”

“No. There is just a void. The only thing I remember is that I was scared until I wasn't. Maybe it’s better that way. The first thing I remember is how I was asked if I would like to be a Guardian Angel. They said I spent my life helping people, so I would get the choice to continue it after my life ended.”

Rafael thought about it for a moment. “And you wanted to spend eternity helping people.”

Sonny nodded slowly. “I couldn't think about anything better.” he said softly.

Rafael looked at him for a moment and wanted to answer something when he bumped into a man. The other man's cup of coffee landed on the ground, the content spilling everywhere.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry. I was distracted.” He looked at the spilled coffee and the coffee stains on the other man's clothes. They looked insanely expensive. He grimaced. Then the other man turned around.

Rafael’s mouth went dry. The man was devastatingly attractive—broad-shouldered, solid muscle under his jacket, warm brown eyes that held his far too easily. For a second, he just stood there, probably looking like an idiot with his mouth slightly open. Then he remembered he had a voice.

“I will pay for the cleaning. That’s the least I can do.”

Before he answered he checked Rafael out in a…not so subtle way. “No problem at all.” he paused before he continued speaking. “Maybe you could go out and have dinner with me. That would be enough.”

Rafael looked at him stunned, not knowing what to answer. The vibe of that man was a bit unnerving for him, especially with the way he smiled a bit too confident. But otherwise, he bumped into him while speaking to Sonny. The Guardian Angel that was supposed to help him find love for Christmas.

“Yes.” he answered after a few seconds. The man took a business card out of his pocket and wrote his phone number down. “Just call me.”

Sonny snorted. “Isn’t that original.”

Rafael, caught off guard, nearly choked on his own spit and coughed.

The other man, Greg, according to the card, looked at him a bit concerned. “Everything alright?”

“Yes. Thanks.” he answered. His face was bright red now, but the coughing finally stopped. “I have to go now. But I’ll give you a call.” Rafael smiled at the man for a moment.

When the man had disappeared he turned to Sonny. “What the hell?” he hissed.

Sonny laughed. “That was really smooth counselor.”

*

Over the next two weeks, Rafael finally found a way not to talk to Sonny—or react to him at all—when other people were around. He’d trained himself into stillness, learned how to keep his face neutral, his focus fixed firmly on the world everyone else could see.
When they were alone, though, it was different.

Then Sonny helped him—quietly, thoughtfully—especially with legal questions. He had opinions, insights, angles Rafael hadn’t considered. It became clear that the angel had paid very close attention during Rafael’s classes at Harvard… perhaps closer attention than Rafael himself had at the time.

Without really noticing it they both grew together.

Although Rafael exchanged texts with Greg the whole time. Sonny was the one making him laugh. They talked a lot about the things Sonny had witnessed during his childhood.

Since he hadn’t really had anyone to talk about it, it was the first time Rafael was able to actually talk about it. He did try to talk about it to his mom a few times in the past, but Rafael’s mom would have changed the topic every time. Besides her, there never had been a person close to him he trusted with that.

It was kind of unnerving for him how fast Sonny had been able to win his trust. Like it happened in the blink of an eye. Talking about it now felt like a huge weight was finally lifted off his shoulders.

Today had been a quiet day at work.

Finally.

He sank down onto the couch with a groan. After barely being home and surviving on only a few hours of sleep each night for the past two weeks, he could already feel a headache forming—slow, insistent, and merciless.

It was too much. Entirely too much.

And it was the last thing he needed right now

Sonny looked over to him, he seemed to know what was happening in an instant. Probably he had witnessed all of his migraine attacks.

“Just let me.” he said gently and came closer. First Rafael started moving away when the angel came really close into his personal space. He wasn’t used to having someone this near to himself. Rafael's breath hitched when Sonny carefully cupped his face. Sitting perfectly still he felt like he was able to hear his racing heartbeat inside of his hand.

The hands started to glow and Rafael's eyes went wide watching it. The light was casting a mysterious light over the room, shadows flickering on the walls.

Even though he was surprised he managed not to flinch. Instead he felt the warmth radiating from Sonny's hands. Hands he still wasn’t able to touch.

It didn’t take long for the pain to resolve.

“Wow.” he whispered looking into Sonny's eyes. The angel was still hovering above him, without really understanding Rafael could feel a certain heat radiating from the whole body of the angel now. There was a glow around him that looked like wings, barely visible for the human eyes. It felt like he was really seeing him for the first time. He sat there unmoving, his hands laying on the couch beside his body.

As the moment stretched into minutes of stunned and heartfelt silence, Rafael could feel the longing inside of himself. His gaze got lost in a blue ocean.

Deep.

Wide.

Vulnerable.

It was like he was looking right into Sonny's soul. There wasn’t one evil thing about him. Just kindness and empathy. For a moment it felt like he was drowning inside of it, but it felt like Sonny was there to keep him above the surface.

There was a closeness he had never felt before in his life. It felt like everything was falling into a place.

Was this what love felt like?

How would he be able to tell?

He didn’t know anything about it except that it could be the best or the worst thing in your life.

Thinking about his parents he definitely had seen the most ugly sides of it. Growing up it had made him think, it wasn’t anything he would ever want to have for himself.

His job didn’t help to change it either.

But now, looking into Sonny's eyes, all those thoughts were brushed away. It felt like someone would take control over his body, while he was standing on the outside watching everything.

Sonny still hadn’t moved, as if he were caught in the same suspended moment. Without breaking eye contact, Rafael slowly sat up, the space between them shifting—tightening—until the air itself felt aware of it.

He brought his head slowly closer, his eyes flickering to Sonny's lips for a second. The angel’s eyes widened and the breath hitched. For a moment it felt like everything was happening in slow motion. Only the two of them existed, in the dim light of the living room.

Right when he was about to kiss him it seemed like a switch inside of Sonny flipped. In a second he disappeared and Rafael just knew that he was alone in his apartment.

He blinked, being torn out of the paralyzing feeling, at the same time still sitting there kind of dazed. In front of his inner eye he still saw Sonny's eyes.

What had just happened?

Rafael had been sure Sonny was feeling just the same.

But obviously he had been wrong about it.

Sonny had disappeared so fast, the message had been insanely clear to him. He felt a sting in his heart. The rejection made the pain in his head come back like a thunderclap. The warmth that had filled his heart and his body since Sonny had come into his life, was just gone.

Replaced by the well known void again. Suddenly the silence in his apartment felt like it was suffocating him.

Why had he been this stupid?

He had just destroyed the best thing that had happened to him in a long time. How could someone like Sonny possibly feel something for a grumpy old man like him. Someone that would light up every room he was entering, would never be able to feel something for him.

Sonny was an angel for God’s sake. Just thinking about it was ridiculous.

“What is wrong with you? Get a damn grip on yourself.” he muttered under his breath.

It seemed to be echoing in his empty apartment.

A reminder how damn pathetic he was.

Shaking his head he was still annoyed with himself about an hour later. Sonny hadn’t returned.

He was alone again.

The shadows dancing on the walls of the apartment, seemed to be laughing at him. His phone rang. Looking down he saw a message from Greg. He sighed. Obviously, Greg wouldn’t be it for him. But that whole Sonny disaster had made clear it wasn’t in his cards to be actually happy. Maybe Greg would be at least a nice distraction from the void that made itself at home inside of him again.

“When do you have time?”

Thinking about the way Sonny's eyes had gone wide and the way he left him behind in the apartment, he answered.

“Tomorrow evening?”

It didn’t take them long to agree on a place and a time.

Even if Sonny wasn’t back when Rafael went to bed, he left the TV on anyway.

Shoulders slumped as he laid down. The weight, lost those last few days was back again, nearly pulling him under the surface, not letting him back up. He had to remind himself again, Sonny wasn’t here to stay anyway.

Exhaustion from the last few days taking over, he finally fell asleep.

Chapter 3

Notes:

Soooo, I think this story will get an additional chapter. 😁

The next evening Rafael was getting ready for his date with Greg. Sonny had returned in the morning. It was strange between them. They had a distance that hadn’t been there since the morning the angel had turned up in his apartment. 

There was a silence none of them was willing to break. 

Rafael scolded himself. He shouldn’t think about the angel. Especially since he was getting ready for a date. But he just wasn’t able to help himself. His thoughts always drifted away to the other man with those baby blue eyes. 

Why did it have to be this difficult? 

The message had been clear enough. He didn’t even know how he’d convinced himself that Sonny could ever love someone like…him. Someone grumpy. Too old. Too sharp around the edges. There wasn’t much about him that invited tenderness.

What had he been thinking, making a wish to Santa of all people?

He shook his head, forcing his thoughts elsewhere—toward the contact he’d asked to do a little digging.

Even if the angel made clear he wasn’t interested in him, he still wanted to do something for him. Especially since he had been there for him during his whole life. 

Now the angel was sitting on his couch in his living room. Still watching “The Big Bang Theory”. Combing through his hair one last time, he nodded to himself through the mirror and left the bathroom. 

“You really don’t have to come with me. Just continue watching the show. I don’t mind.”

But Sonny was already on his feet. “Don’t even start. It’s my duty. I wouldn’t let you go out there alone.” 

Rafael nodded. Ignoring the sting in his heart. Of course. He was his duty. Nothing more. How did he even think there could be more? He didn’t even reply. Feeling Sonny being all tensed around him. Maybe…if the date today went well, he wouldn’t even have to think about it anymore. 

The restaurant was expensive in the way that tried not to look like it—low lights, crisp linens, wine glasses that caught every flicker of candlelight.

Greg looked perfectly at home. It was like he was made for his surroundings. The way he talked to the waiters told Rafael that Greg was a regular guest here. The way the waiters looked at himself he just knew that he wasn’t the only date that was brought in here. 

“This place has the best steak in Midtown,” he said, unfolding his napkin. “Client dinners, dates—covers all bases.”

Rafael smiled politely, though he felt anything but comfortable around the other man—especially after spending the last few weeks with Sonny.

Any man would have had a difficult start. So he decided to give the whole thing a try, despite his bad feeling about it. “You seem to know it well.”

“Perks of banking.” Greg grinned. “You learn where to eat and who to impress.”

Sonny hovered near Rafael’s shoulder, invisible and unimpressed. “He thinks money is a personality.”

Rafael lifted his water glass instead of replying. Ignoring Sonny the way he ignored annoying lawyers at work. 

They ordered. Wine for Greg, water for Rafael. Greg noticed but didn’t comment—yet. Rafael would bet that there was a comment about to come. It really didn’t help that Sonny wouldn’t stop commenting about everything that was happening here. 

“So,” Greg said once the waiter left, leaning back in his chair, “how was your day?”

“Long,” Rafael replied. “But manageable. I've had worse days at work.”

Greg laughed. “Tell me about it. I had a woman in my office today—reminded me of this other case I told you about. Old lady from the Bronx. Absolute mess.”

Rafael’s jaw tightened almost imperceptibly.

“She came in practically begging for a credit extension,” Greg continued, shaking his head as if recounting something mildly entertaining. “Rent overdue, medical bills, the whole sob story. You could smell desperation.”

Sonny folded his arms. “You’re being remarkably calm.”

Rafael’s voice stayed even. “What happened?”

“What always happens.” Greg shrugged. “We said no. I mean, where does it end? If you give one break, suddenly everyone wants mercy.”

Rafael nodded once, slowly. “Did she have family?”

Greg waved a dismissive hand. “Probably. Or not. Hard to say. People like that always have an excuse. But people like us, don’t have to worry about things like that. I mean. Can you imagine? She really expected to get some money for charity. What am I? Holy Mary?” Another laugh. 

People like that.

Rafael felt the words land, heavy and familiar.

It was just like during his childhood. 

He still was able to remember everything about it. The judging gazes, the feeling it would never be enough for him. 

“I grew up in the Bronx,” he said quietly.

There was an embarrassed pause, Greg blinked. “Oh.”

“My parents worked constantly,” Rafael went on, still calm. “And we were still one missed paycheck away from disaster most months.”

Sonny softened beside him, but no real reaction from Greg. Instead the other man cleared his throat, trying to recover. “Well—sure, but you made it out. Not everyone does.”

“No,” Rafael agreed. “Not everyone does.”

And that certainly wasn’t their fault. There were so many circumstances that made it impossible for people of the Bronx to get out of there.

Their food arrived. Steam rose between them like a pause neither quite knew how to fill. It was uncomfortable and Sonny tried to fill the void with his typical nonsense. There were several times Rafael had to suppress a noise or laughter. 

Finally, Greg started to speak again. But it didn’t make the situation any better. Cutting into his steak, Greg launched into another rant about people from the Bronx, as if he had any idea what that life was like.

point personal responsibility has to count.”

“It does,” Rafael said. “But so does context. You just wouldn’t know about it, since you didn’t grow up there.”

Greg frowned slightly. “You’re very empathetic.”

Rafael met his gaze, his green eyes hard and icy. “I had to be. It was the difference between surviving and not.”

The silence stretched. Not the comfortable kind of silence.

Greg took a sip of wine, suddenly less relaxed. “So… you don’t approve of what I do.”

“I didn’t say that,” Rafael replied gently. “I said I understand the people you see. It just…isn’t that easy.”

Sonny smiled sadly. “That’s the line.”

Greg nodded, but something had shifted. The easy confidence was gone, replaced by calculation—a look that left Rafael uneasy. In some ways, it reminded him of Alex.

“Well,” he said after a moment, forcing a smile, “opposites, right?”

Rafael returned the smile, softer now. “Sometimes.”

They finished dinner politely. Cordially. Like two men who had mistaken compatibility for chemistry. It was something he really wouldn’t want to have again. He was glad when it finally was over. 

Outside, the night air was cool.

Greg hesitated. “We should do this again.” he said after a few seconds. 

Rafael thought of the woman in the Bronx. Of his mother’s tired hands. Of the life he’d fought for. The way Greg had laughed about that old lady. Like it was something out of a cartoon.

“I don’t think so,” he said kindly.

Greg blinked. “Oh.” It seemed like that guy wasn’t really used to hearing the word no. 

“But thank you for dinner.”

He turned away before Greg could respond, unwilling to waste another second of his life on him.

Sonny fell into step beside him. “You okay?”

Rafael exhaled, the tension easing from his shoulders. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You learned what you needed.”

Rafael nodded. “And I didn’t have to become someone else to do it.”

They walked on, the city opening up around them, familiar and unforgiving—and still, somehow, home. For a second they even forgot the awkwardness that had settled between them since yesterday evening.

Rafael didn’t say anything for a while. He just kept walking towards his apartment. The day had been exhausting. The constant walking around on eggshells with Sonny, his own thoughts spiraling out of control, and now this disastrous date with Greg. 

He felt the nervousness radiating from Sonny beside him, without even looking at him.

“Rafael…about yesterday–” 

“You don’t have to say anything about it. It’s okay. I understand.” he said quietly, looking at him. It had been obvious that the angel didn’t feel anything for him. He didn’t need to have it explained.

“No, you don’t.” Sonny stayed quiet for a second. Thinking about what to say next. “The reason you can see me is your wish from Santa. I am here to help you fulfil your wish. But only till Christmas Eve. As soon as Christmas Eve is over, you won’t be able to see me anymore.” 

Rafael's head shot up and he looked at Sonny. “Oh,” he whispered. At the same time he felt stupid. Of course this wasn’t something that would go on forever. Why would there ever be something good happening for him? Sighing he looked to the ground. “I’ll miss you.” 

Sonny smiled a sad smile. “You won’t remember me. Maybe you’ll remember the feeling from having me around, but you won’t remember the time we spent together or the conversations we had. I’ll stay by your side. I can promise you that. You just won’t know I exist anymore.”

For a moment he let the words sink in. “And you? Will you remember everything?” 

A short nod. 

Realization hit Rafael. “That means you have to stay alone forever. With no one there to–” he stopped himself and changed the words he was about to say. “spend time with you. You don’t deserve to live like this.” 

“I’m a Guardian Angel, Rafael. It is what we do. I’ll just be thankful for our time together. It’ll stay in my heart forever.” 

Rafael looked at him and nodded slowly. It wasn’t as comforting as it was meant to be. No. It was something bittersweet. Like beautiful music that didn't get to be finished. He decided to be thankful for the time he was allowed to spend with Sonny. At least there was one more week to come. 

He thought back to his conversation with Santa and looked at Sonny who was walking  beside him. Christmas Eve wasn’t even there and his wish had already come true. A smile widened on his lips, causing Sonny's eyebrows to go up in confusion. 

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, I–just realized…something.” He shook his head. “What do you think, should we watch one of those painfully romantic Christmas Movies?“

Sonny laughed and looked at him. “You mean those you always watch when you are alone at home, but act like you hate them when anyone else is talking about it? Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” He added, still chuckling at Rafael's sour face. 

Rafael sighed, looking at him for a second before grinning too. “Yeah. Those. Maybe, A Biltmore Christmas?” 

Thinking about it, Sonny nodded. “You mean the one you were watching about a thousand times last year? I liked that film.”

“Okay. Then we’ve got a plan for the rest of the evening.”

He grinned and they walked back to his apartment. Luckily there hadn’t been many people around, seeing him talking. But otherwise he had one of his headphones on again. With Sonny around he didn’t leave his apartment without them. Anyone around them would always think he was just talking on the phone. 

They didn’t need long to get home to Rafael's apartment and settle down on his couch. Rafael leaned back and started the film. Sipping on a glass of whiskey, he sighed in contentment. Sonny was right. He wouldn’t ever admit out loud, but especially during Christmas time he really enjoyed watching those movies. They were unrealistic as hell, but he enjoyed just getting sucked into those happy worlds. 

Even if it seemed like there wasn’t any happy ending in sight for himself, at least now he knew he’d never been alone and never would be alone in the future. Instead he was surrounded by an Angel who was keeping him safe. 

He was well aware of the Guardian Angel sitting right next to him on that couch. Maybe too aware. The energy surrounding Sonny was kind of unnerving him, making his heart pound in his chest heavily. His hands were kind of sweating. 

That was typical for him. After years of not feeling anything for anyone around him, it had to be his Guardian Angel who would just disappear as soon as Christmas Eve was over. 

Concentrating back on the film, he was able to get lost in the story. It was beautifully written and amazed him again even if he knew he had watched it quite some time during Christmas time last year. 

“You know I’ve been giving a lot of thought to your idea of Charlie giving up his wings for love and I think he would.” 

A grin formed on Lucy’s lips. One that showed clearly she didn’t believe anyone would do something like this in real life. Taking a breath she looked at Jack, who was looking right into her eyes. 

It was easy to tell he was already falling for her. His eyes showed unspoken words of complicated feelings for a woman he just met and wasn’t able to figure out. 

“Would you?” 

“What?” 

Slowly, she stepped closer, stopping right in front of him while she was speaking. 

“Would you really give up what you wanted, more than anything else in the world, for someone else’s happiness?” 

Her voice was one that had experienced lots of pain caused by people she’d trusted. She wasn’t able to believe that anyone would really do it. Their eye contact didn’t break for a second. He looked right back at her, with an intense gaze.

Jack was considering his answer, taking a second before he answered. 

“I don’t know. But I hope that one day…I’ll love someone enough to find out.” 

Their gaze held, Lucy looking into his eyes seemingly searching for something proving his words false promises. Realizing there wasn’t anything else to see than honesty she nodded. A soft smile on her lips. 

Rafael looked at Sonny sitting beside him on the couch. His eyes teared up. 

“Would you?” he asked quietly, waiting for Sonny to look at him.

“If it were possible, and I loved someone enough, I’d do it without a second thought.”

He was looking right into Rafael's eyes, making his breath hitch. Without even thinking about it, Rafael grabbed Sonny's hand. The other man's eyes widened in surprise when Rafael actually got hold for a second. Electricity seemed to go through both of their bodies. The air around the angel was glowing even more, buzzing with light. 

Then the moment was gone and Rafael's hand went right through. Looking at each other, they didn’t even notice it. There were no further words needed. It seemed like they were able to look into each other's souls. 

The movie continued, the moment passed eventually. The concentration was back on the film again. 

Neither of them mentioned it again that evening, but the feeling didn’t leave either of them. Even when Rafael went to bed that night, looking up to the ceiling, he felt like he was still holding Sonny's hand in his own.

Meanwhile Sonny was sitting in the living-room looking at the screen without actually noticing what was happening there. His thoughts still wandering about that very moment he realized he had fallen in love with Rafael. 

Chapter 4

Notes:

So. This sorry seem to escalate a bit. You all will getting a 5th chapter. :)

Have fun reading this one. (And yes I am sorry that it's still Christmas in my story here! :D)

Thank you Valntine for being such a great help.

Christmas Eve

The days till Christmas Eve seemed to be a blur. 

Rafael had to work a lot. It seemed like the people were going crazy around Christmas. He was hardly ever home, and the few moments he shared with Sonny were seldom private enough to say what mattered, but at least they had lots of opportunities to work together on legal strategies at his work.

They worked well together. 

A great team.

The perfect team.

With Sonny around everything felt easy. The weight on his shoulders, normally pulling him down, seemed lighter. Sonny was his light in contrast to the darkness surrounding him with all those gruesome cases. 

He felt understood and seen in a way he had never experienced before. 

Sometimes they didn’t even need to talk. They just knew what the other one was thinking. He wasn’t sure if it was only because Sonny was his Guardian Angel. 

But sometimes it just felt like he was his soul mate. Someone destined to come into his life and stay. 

Today was the 24th. 

Waking up Rafael just looked at the ceiling of his bedroom. The last few weeks kept replaying in his mind. 

Well. 

That wasn’t the truth. 

It was more likely that one evening on his couch.

The touch of their skin. 

The electricity jolted through his body. 

The second their eyes locked. 

There had been that intense connection. 

Everything had been laid bare in front of them. For a second he had been able to picture a future together. The time had stood still. He had never felt that way in his whole life. 

Then he had lost his grip and Sonny's hand had been nothing but air for him again. 

Realizing what had happened here, he suddenly felt empty. He had fallen in love with a ghost…well no. 

A Guardian Angel. 

It was important to know the difference since Sonny got pretty upset when he was called a ghost.

He thought about Sonny's words again. That he would forget him after today. It was like he was feeling the loss already, just thinking about it. 

Otherwise he was pretty sure there was no way for him to forget Sonny. But the universe had always been cruel to him. There would be nothing new with that.

Well. 

He had wished for someone to love him and for him to love. He hadn’t wished for someone to stay. There always was a price to pay, after all. He should’ve known better than letting himself be pulled into this.

Better than letting himself fall for that angel, knowing exactly how it would end.

Sighing, he climbed out of bed. His bare feet were greeted by the cold and hard wooden floor. He left them there. Maybe it would ground him enough to come back to his senses. He looked at his phone. One missed message. His contact had been fast. He had indeed found out about Sonny's past life and sent him the details. 

Smiling a sad smile, he pressed the button to print it in his office. He would give it to Sonny without looking at it. It was Sonny's choice if he wanted to talk to him about it. 

“Rafael, can I come in?” The question was asked quietly and hesitantly.

He looked up. It felt like the Angel knew every time he was thinking about him. “I figure it isn’t anything you haven’t seen yet,” he muttered under his breath. “Come in,” he said then. 

Sonny entered the room, his gaze catching on Rafael’s half-naked body. His blue eyes darkened as they traced the bare expanse of Rafael’s chest, lingering there before dipping—just for a second—to the line of his boxers.

Did the angel just lick his lips?

“See anything you like?” Rafael snorted while pulling a plain white shirt over his head.

The Angel shook his head lost in thoughts. “No…I–I mean–Yes—I..” His eyes widened. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. It was adorable.

Now, Rafael was barking in laughter. “I didn’t know Angels were able to turn this red.” He put on sweatpants. Contrary to most people's opinions, he actually liked to wear those on weekends.  

Sonny groaned. “Have you had enough fun now?” 

Rafael grinned and opened his mouth for a retort. But then he decided to have a bit of pity for the Angel. Sonny probably didn’t get that many possibilities to communicate with someone. It was actually refreshing watching him putting his foot in his mouth all the time. 

“I have a surprise for you.” He finally admitted. Sonny's eyes widened in surprise, his eyebrows nearly going up to his hair. “For me?  But why?” 

“I want to thank you for being there for me during the darkest hours of my life. During that time no one else was there for me.” he gulped, given the kind of honesty he was offering to Sonny. He wasn’t used to opening up this much. Even if it felt easier with Sonny. Looking into his eyes he saw they had gone soft.

“It is my duty. You don't have to hand me any gifts.” 

Rafael stepped closer until he was standing right in front of him. “A duty you signed up for, because you wanted to help humans even after you died. You deserve it.”

Sonny lifted his hand. Rafael was nearly able to feel the touch on his skin and closed his eyes. His breath hitched. “It isn’t fair.” He whispered then, a single tear searching the way down his cheek. Warmth was spreading inside of this body. Opening his eyes he realized they were standing even closer than before. “I just wished you were able to stay.” 

“Me too.” Sonny whispered back. 

They looked at each other. 

Silence.

The time seemed to stop. 

There were only the two of them. 

Existing in a world of their own.

Rafael was the one to break the moment. He took a step back, clearing his throat. The closeness was replaced by awkwardness. He rubbed the back of his head. “I’ll get your surprise.” He nearly fled the moment, starting the coffee machine. The TV was still going from the night. Rafael turned it off. 

What the hell was happening here?

Why wasn’t he able to keep his distance like he was able to with every other person?

It seemed like someone up there was having fun setting him up with someone, knowing they weren’t able to build a future together. 

Sighing, he went into his office and took the printed pages out of the printer. In the living room he placed them on the dining table without looking at it. Sonny was looking at him in confusion. “What the hell is this?” 

“This is your life,” he said softly. “I hired a PI to find out what your life has been like before. I thought you’d deserve to know.” 

Sonny's eyes widened as he looked down on those pages. “You…you did that for me?” he whispered in pure disbelief. “But…” he just stopped talking. Shaking his head. “What does it say?” 

“That wasn’t my thing to know. I just printed it, but I didn’t look at it. It is your life and your story. You decide if you want me to know about it.” He smiled softly at the Angel. “I’ll leave you to it and go take a shower. Take your time and get me when you’re finished here.” 

With one last glance he got his coffee and  went back into his bedroom. He closed the door behind himself. His bathroom was connected to the bedroom. So he didn’t have to disturb Sonny for quite some time.

He took his time, drinking his coffee and showering. When he was done he sat down on his bed. He listened carefully. There was absolute silence in his living room. 

When he was done working through his E-Mails on his work phone he realized that he had left the Angel alone for almost an hour. Slowly, he approached the door. “Sonny. Is everything alright out there?” 

He could hear him sniffling and clearing his throat. “Yeah. You can come. Thank you.” 

Rafael opened the door, Sonny was standing right in front of him. The eyes were glassy. Sonny's body was tense. It was obvious that he was distraught by what he had seen. The sight made his heart clench. 

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, feeling bad about being the reason for Sonny feeling this way. 

“Are you kidding? You made me the greatest give I've ever gotten. I remember everything. It was hard, but I'm happy about it. I don’t know how I can thank you. Nothing seems to be enough.” 

Rafael smiled a bit. “I'm glad it was okay. I promise I didn’t take a look. It was none of my business. I just wanted to give you something back since you've been there for me my whole life.” 

Sonny smiled. “I thank you for it,” he looked at the time and sighed. “7 hours till midnight.” 

“So what do you want to do?” He looked at the Angel. Holding back the words he’d wanted to say instead. As much as he wanted to, there was no way to make the Angel stay. So why should he say it out loud? There was not a reason for it at all. 

They sat down on the couch, just kept talking. Rafael didn’t ask anything about Sonny's former life. It was the other man’s decision if he wanted to tell him something. He knew for sure he wouldn’t even look at the documents when Sonny was gone. 

When there was a pause in their conversation, Sonny just looked at him for a moment. It was like he was figuring out what to do next. “I was a doctor,” he admitted, finally. 

Rafael was barely able to hear it. It was not more than a whisper. He didn’t dare to move. Instead he just stilled and watched the other man. 

It was clear that talking about it wasn’t coming easily to Sonny — the hesitation in his voice said as much as the words did.

Thinking about it, it was the first time Sonny actually had a problem talking about something. 

“I was a doctor in the military. World War II.” Sonny closed his eyes. Rafael had to suppress the urge of taking his hand again. It was hard for him, not being able to comfort Sonny who clearly was in distress. “I saw it all in front of my eyes. The deaths, the injured…and finally my death.” The last word was only a whisper. “I was serving in France, helping the soldiers that got injured during the battles. There were bombs around our camp. I feel like I'm able to hear them, to smell the gunpowder in the air, to smell the death around me. I can hear them scream in pain.” 

He squeezed his eyes shut. “A bomb hit us. Most people died the second the bomb hit,” taking a deep breath he paused. “I didn’t…I was in so much pain. I screamed. I lay there in agony…seeing one of my best friends already dead a few feet away. It’s the last thing I remember before everything went black.” 

Rafael didn’t dare to speak at first. It seemed like there weren’t any words. Sonny's admission was hanging in the air heavily. So they just sat there in silence. Waiting for the air to feel lighter again. 

Suddenly, Sonny turned his head looking out of the window. “It is snowing. I’ve always loved the snow,” he said softly. His eyes were sparkling. Rafael couldn’t help himself but smile. He looked at his watch. There wasn’t much time for them to share left. He hated the snow and the cold. To be honest he hated everything about the winter. But seeing Sonny's joy watching the snowflakes falling towards the pavement he couldn’t help himself. 

“Then I’ll just go and change. We can go outside, until…” he stopped. He wasn’t able to say the words. The sad impression running over Sonny's face said it all. Rafael just turned and went into the bedroom. It didn’t take him long to change. Grabbing his hat, scarf and gloves, they left his apartment. 

Outside they just kept wandering. There was no one to be seen on the streets. The people were spending their evening at home with their families. Gathered around their Christmas Trees. Looking over to Sonny, Rafael couldn’t think of any place he’d rather be right now.

“It is beautiful,” he whispered, looking around and taking in the environment around him. He couldn’t think of the last time he had just stopped to acknowledge his surroundings. The Christmas lights were painting the city in a soft and festive atmosphere. Meanwhile the pavement was covered with snow, sparkling like there were thousands of little diamonds. 

His gaze wandered back to Sonny. “I wish I could hold this moment forever. I don’t want it to end.” Tears were swelling in his eyes and he tried to blink them away. This was the way Cinderella must have felt the moment midnight came and took away her dreams again. 

He wasn’t able to blink the tears away, instead they were slowly falling. Searching their way down his face. “I love you, Sonny.” He wouldn’t admit it. But after spending all those past weeks together with the Angel he was afraid to face the world alone again. 

His eyes flickered down to his watch, only a few minutes left. For a moment he asked himself if he should just turn around and run away, so he wouldn’t be forced to actually see Sonny disappear. But thinking about Sonny's words he knew he wouldn’t be able to do this to the Angel. 

He braced himself to look up again, when soft fingers brushed away his tears. His eyes widened and his head shot up in shock. After all those weeks just being a presence around him, Sonny really was touching him. Closing his eyes, he felt a shudder run through his whole body. It was like he had craved for this without even knowing. 

When he opened his eyes again. Their gaze locked. The air around them was humming with electricity, goosebumps were forming on his skin. Without thinking further he grabbed Sonny and pulled him in for a kiss. Their mouths, their teeth were clashing together. A jolt went through their bodies. 

The Angel was glowing as bright as Rafael had never seen before. It seemed like the light was shooting through him too. They moaned and deepened the kiss. Their tongues were fighting. 

It felt like time was standing still for a moment. 

Like everything he did had brought him here. 

There wasn’t anything in his life that had ever felt so real. 

So right. 

Rafael's arms tightened around Sonny. Like it would help him to keep the Angel in his arms. To prevent him from disappearing. “I love you too.” Sonny whispered breathlessly when they finally parted. He looked in those ocean blue eyes, looking at him with so much love. 

Somewhere the clock was striking midnight.

“Merry Christmas, Sonny.” 

He blinked and the next second Sonny was gone. The light with him. 

“Merry Christmas, Rafa.” The words were a whisper echoing in his mind, already being carried away by the wind. 

Just when everything had fallen into place, he was alone again. The only witnesses of this moment were the snowflakes falling down on him. 

The world just kept turning, like he hadn’t just lost his heart. 

Chapter 5

Notes:

So, we arrived at the end of the journey.

This story really challenged me and really felt hard to write for me in the beginning since it wasn’t exactly what I've been used to write.

As a gift for the great MargoBlack I had to force myself through the first chapter. While writing this story really grew on me and got longer than I expected it to be. In the end it was real fun to explore this universe. I hope you like it. 🥰

A special thanks go out to Valntine who helped me working my way through and made all the great beta-reading. ❣️

When Rafael woke up the next day he looked at his ceiling in confusion. He had the weirdest dreams last night. Closing his eyes, images kept replaying in his mind. 

Images of a tall man with blue eyes. 

Conversations he never had. 

A trust and familiarity he had never felt before. 

“You’ve been alone for too long,” he groaned and climbed out of bed. For a moment he stood still. He felt strange. Different. 

His mind wandered back to that conversation with the man in the Santa costume a few weeks ago. He hadn’t found someone to love, but at least he was experiencing a feeling of calm and protection he had never felt before. 

Maybe that conversation had been good for something. Looking at his watch he realized he had to get ready for work now if he didn’t want to be late. Standing under the shower he saw those blue eyes again in the back of his mind. 

Confused, he blinked. Probably a face he had seen in a crowd at work or on his way to work. They were the kind of eyes that settled somewhere deep in his chest, impossible to forget.

He looked into the mirror. For the first time in years there weren’t deep shadows under his eyes, showing his lack of sleep. It was like he was looking at a stranger. He hadn’t looked this relaxed in…forever. 

Smiling a bit he started shaving, before he went to his closet. Like always he dressed for work with extra care. In his job people had to dress to impress. There wasn’t any way around it. When he wanted to be successful bringing justice to their victims, he had to be at his very best, every single day.

Right after college, long before SVU, all he wanted was to work his way up. To prove everyone wrong who had ever looked at him and decided he wasn’t enough. He worked harder than anyone noticed, chasing every goal like it might finally silence them.

He hadn’t looked left or right, or given much thought to feelings at all. More likely, he’d been suppressing his own—never allowing himself to really feel anything.

It had been keeping him thriving. 

The fights in court. 

The art of making arguments in his cases. 

The power of dismantling bad defence tactics. 

And god he was good. He won his cases one after another. Working his way up, he hadn’t had any time to socialise with anyone. But after his childhood he wouldn’t even have known how to do it even if he wanted to. 

So he just did what he was best at. 

Winning Cases. 

Then he joined SVU and met Liv. 

Liv made him realize there was more to this than just winning cases. It was more about bringing justice to the victims. Helping them survive, and reminding them they weren’t alone—that there were people outside who believed them.

It had been a slow progress, weaseling its way into his life. Slow, but fundamentally. It made him a better prosecutor. But at the same time he was confronted with his own feelings. With his childhood memories that had been tucked away for such a long time. 

When he finally had worked his way through those memories, he had felt something different. 

Loneliness. 

Besides a few hook ups here and there, he never had a real relationship. Instead he had been standing on the sidelines, while his friends started building families. Even after Liv had changed his way of seeing life there wasn’t much change on that front. 

Even if he wanted to, he just didn’t know what to do with himself. 

Today, he felt different, more complete. The loneliness that had followed him for years was gone, replaced by a warmth he’d never once felt before. And for the first time in his life, he looked toward the next year with hope.

He took his keys. It always sucked going into the office at Christmas, but since he was nearly the only one without a family, he was the one who went in.

He decided to make a short stop at SVU and to see what was going on there. He knew that at least Fin was on duty today, just like him. 

Outside it was freezing. The snow was glistening and he had a strange feeling of a flashback. It reminded him of his dream. The tall and lanky man with those breathtaking blue eyes. He shook his head. 

What was wrong with him?

That face kept coming into his mind over and over again. But he couldn’t even remember when he had seen it. Slowly, it was getting frustrating. He was always good at remembering things. Especially faces. Why wasn’t he able to remember this one? 

Focus. 

He really didn’t need to slip and fall, because he was lost in thoughts too much. So he refocused on hailing a cab. That task done, he gave the address of SVU. Leaning back into the seat he was looking at the few families outside. 

The streets were nearly empty.

Most people wanted to stay home, given the temperatures and the fact that it was Christmas day.  

This was understandable. 

He wouldn’t do it any differently, if he had the choice. When the cab stopped in front of the precinct he smiled at the driver. “Merry Christmas!” He gave a fair amount of tip. The driver looked at him in surprise. A smile widening on his lips. “Thank you. For you too, Sir.” 

Rafael pulled his coat higher. Why the hell did it have to be this cold? Sighing, he hurried into the precinct. Inside he shook the snow off of his coat. When he arrived at the squadroom Fin was nowhere to be seen. 

It was nearly empty. 

The typical loud chatter and typing on keyboards, minimized to only a few people that were at work today. Again he wished he would’ve been able to just stay at home today. The cold just wasn’t his terrain. He was still freezing, although he was already inside of the building for a few minutes now. 

When he came closer he noticed a figure at a desk that had been empty for a few months now. Did the squad get a new colleague on Christmas day? That was an odd thing. For a second he just stood there. 

The man had blonde hair with grey strands, they were slicked back. The suits seemed to be a size too big for the man. Even from behind he was able to tell that the chosen colours weren’t doing him a favor either. 

He sighed. Whoever had advised that man on his suit clearly hated him. Hopefully he was better at work. He cleared his throat, making the young man nearly jump out of his chair. 

When he turned around, Rafael's breath was caught in his throat. His eyes widened in shock. Right in front of him was the man he had dreamed about last night. They stood there, neither of them speaking, simply looking at one another—eyes tracing up and down, taking everything in.

In front of Rafael was standing the most beautiful man he'd ever seen. At least if you were able to ignore the terrible taste in clothes. He was speechless. Not a sound made its way out of his mouth. There was familiarity in those eyes he wasn't able to put a finger on. He felt it deep in his chest—that certainty that this man wasn’t a stranger, even if he couldn’t remember why.

Finally, it was the other man’s turn to clear his throat. “Uhm, hi. I’m Detective Carisi. Dominic Carisi jr., but everyone calls me Sonny,” he said, extending his hand. 

“Yeah, like any–” he started, shaking his hand. The words died on his lips when a jolt of electricity went through his body. He wasn’t capable of saying anything further. His gaze fixed on the man in front of him, everything came back at once. 

Goosebumps spread on his skin. He closed his mouth wordlessly. 

The memories of the past few weeks were hitting him with fall force. He nearly had to brace himself for the impact. Just when he opened his mouth to react, Fin entered the squadroom. Oblivious to what was going on here, he just came closer.

“Counselor! I see you already met our new detective.” 

Finally able to look away, Rafael let go of the hand. “Yes. I didn’t know you were getting an addition for the team. He kept a calm mask, while his heart was pounding inside of his chest heavily. 

How was that even possible? 

“We didn't either. It was on short notice.” Fin laughed. “But the more the better.” 

Rafael nodded, feeling like he was in a trance. “I’ll go to my office, give me a call if anything comes up.” 

“Sure thing, see you,” Fin nodded. “Merry Christmas.”

“For you too, detectives,” he mumbled under his breath. Fleeing the squadroom he nearly stumbled over his own feet. A headache was already forming. He could feel it. His mind was back on his couch. For a second he was feeling the warmth of Sonny's hands again, could still see them glowing in the dark. 

How on earth had he been able to forget about it? 

To forget about the most beautiful weeks of his life? 

About the most wonderful person he had ever met?

The day went by in a blur. At least there wasn’t anything important happening today. He spent more time looking out of the window, thinking about the last weeks, than actually working. Christmas day was ending, the last flakes of snow were falling on the ground. 

He felt the presence of the other man before he heard him. 

Taking a deep breath to brace himself, he slowly turned around. Blue eyes were looking at him with so much love, it nearly hurt him. 

He didn’t even dare to blink, afraid the man would turn to dust if he averted his eyes even for a second. 

“Sonny,” he breathed, still not moving an inch. He wasn’t sure what to say or do. It felt like he was dreaming. 

The detective closed the door behind him and smiled. It was one of those sheepish smiles Rafael had fallen in love with. 

“Please tell me, this isn’t a dream,” he whispered, his eyes still fixed on Sonny. 

“No it isn’t.” Slowly, they stepped closer to each other. “You left the office pretty quickly.” 

“I was overwhelmed, the memories came back at once. It was a bit much.” 

Sonny nodded. His hands were still buried in his pockets, posture tensed. Rafael was able to hear the tremor in his voice.

“Do you remember the night on your couch? When we watched that Christmas movie?” 

“Of course. It was the moment I knew I fell in love with you.” His heart nearly missed a beat, while saying this. It was the first time he had ever said those words aloud. 

 The time stood still. 

Then the smile widening on Sonny's face was blinding. “That’s really good to know. You remember the question you asked me?” 

“I do.” Rafael stepped one step closer, now they were only inches apart. 

“It’s like I said. When I realized there was a possibility to stay, I did it without thinking about it twice. I love you so much.” 

Rafael didn’t let him say another word. His thoughts were racing. Sonny had given up his wings…for him. He just leaned forward and pressed his lips on Sonny's. It felt exactly like last night. 

His mind was buzzing. 

His skin was burning. 

Their lips touched and he felt whole. 

Rafael put his arms around Sonny's neck. Pulling him even closer. They kissed for an eternity, only parting when they both had to catch their breaths. Leaning their foreheads against each other’s, gazes locked. He could feel Sonny's breath on his face. Warm and steady. 

Finally, he had found someone to love him and who he loved more than anything in the world. 

This was a start into a beautiful future. 

It was scary, but they'd be facing it together.

Here it was. His very own Christmas Miracle.