Chapter Text
“So, Katsuki, why did you want to see me?” Dr. Yamaguchi asked. She watched the blond boy sitting on the couch across from her fidget with his hands, picking at his cuticles. “It’s been a while since our last meeting in December. Are you having nightmares again?” Her voice was firm and, though it was laced with concern, it didn’t feel condescending.
Katsuki internally sighed and watched his therapist for a moment.
“No,” he finally said. “That’s not it.”
“Alright,” she said, “I’m glad to hear that. But it still doesn’t answer my question.”
Katsuki scowled and turned his head to the side. His eyes traced over the picture frames on the wall in Dr. Yamaguchi’s office. Most depicted beautiful landscapes from countries Bakugou was unfamiliar with. Somewhere in Europe, most likely.
Some photos featured a couple posing against the beautiful natural backdrop. It was Dr. Yamaguchi and who Bakugou assumed was her spouse. She was a tall middle-aged woman with caramel-colored hair and a wide smile, a direct contrast to the short black-haired woman sitting across from Bakugou in her office and offering him an understanding look.
“Have you been having trouble with your anger again?” she pressed.
“When am I not?” he retorted.
“You’ve made wonderful progress over the past months, but everyone relapses. Starting your second year is exciting but can also bring new stressors into your routine that could trigger your temper more easily.”
“I’m not here to talk about my anger,” Katsuki said with a dismissive wave.
“Alright, then why are you here, Katsuki?”
“Because I need help,” he admitted harshly. The honesty surprised Dr. Yamaguchi and also struck her with a small sense of pride.
“I’m listening,” she replied. Bakugou took a deep breath and met her eyes.
“I don’t know how to be a good friend,” he started, taking a moment before continuing, “But I want to.”
Dr. Yamaguchi couldn’t help the way her eyes widened in shock or the edges of her lips curled up slightly in the ghost of a smile. She knew better than to let her emotions fully show around her patient and cause him to clam up.
“My sense of friendship is fucked up, to say the least,” Bakugou continued, “A-and I’m not good at showing affection in… nonviolent ways. Or at all.”
Dr. Yamaguchi nodded, crossing her hands over her notebook and giving Katsuki her full attention.
“Some of my friends put up with it, even when I take it too far - but I know they shouldn’t have to put up with it at all. That if I was a good friend, I wouldn’t treat them like-” he sucked in a sharp breath and broke eye contact, turning to look out the window. “I say and do awful things to the people I care about, and I don’t know how to stop.”
Dr. Yamaguchi watched him for a moment with her lips pulled into a straight line. She tapped her pencil on her notepad once, twice, then a third time before picking it up to resist the temptation of a fourth.
“You’ve told me before,” she began carefully, “that you’re simply an abrasive person and those close to you should ‘grow a thick skin’ if they want to ‘be around the next number one.’ So please don’t think poorly of me for asking this, but,” Dr. Yamaguchi hesitated, looking down at her hands for a moment and tapping the pen a fourth time before looking back at her patient, “Why the sudden change of heart?”
Bakugou felt his face ever so slightly warm up.
“N-no reason,” he lied. He couldn’t meet Dr. Yamaguchi’s eyes, aware she knew he was lying.
“Katsuki.”
“This was stupid, I don’t know why I even came here-” he said, beginning to stand up.
“Who is it?”
Bakugou froze. Pink began to dust his cheeks.
“What are you talking about?” he tried weakly.
“Who changed your mind?”
Bakugou’s heart hammered hard in his chest, pounding against his lungs until every breath felt pained. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think of green eyes and a small outstretched hand.
“Can I make a guess?” his therapist asked.
“Be my guest,” he mumbled.
“Is it Midoriya?” Dr. Yamaguchi asked because of course she’d get it on her first try.
Bakugou felt his chest seize and had to clench his fist to keep from doubling over. He dragged his gaze back to Dr. Yamaguchi and forced himself to look her in the eye. She looked so open and ready to receive whatever information Bakugou wished to disclose to her. He knew he could trust her. He knew she couldn’t say anything to anyone without his permission.
He knew he was safe, something that took him a long time to come to terms with in therapy, which is why he could be honest.
“Yes.” The word felt like an admission, something he hadn’t intended to share, but relief flooded his veins soon after. He fell back down onto the couch, resting his head in his hands.
Dr. Yamaguchi smiled. It made Katsuki furrow his brow.
“Why are you smiling?” he asked in a warning tone.
“Because you’ve grown,” she replied simply. The praise washed over Katsuki, traveling through his body from head to toe. He fought the urge to smile, too.
“I’d sure fucking hope I’ve grown in the past six months,” he grumbled just to be a pain. Dr. Yamaguchi had none of it and smiled fondly.
“You have,” she agreed.
“I just don’t feel like anyone else has seen it,” he said tiredly.
“But you see it,” Dr. Yamaguchi nudged.
“It’s not enough!” he exclaimed, anger suddenly flooding his veins. “No matter what I do, how I try to change, it’s never enough. I’m always too - too…” he trailed off, voice choking slightly, “I’m still an asshole, no matter how hard I try.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” she said simply.
“You don’t see what I’m like around my friends,” he countered, “So how the fuck would you know?”
“I’m able to make educated guesses based on my observations and the limited information you decide to share with me,” she explained plainly.
“And what ‘observations’ have you made, Doc?” he jeered. Dr. Yamaguchi set her notebook aside and leaned forward on her knees.
“Do you know why you want to be a better friend to Midoriya?” she countered.
“Currently, we aren’t friends. We’re barely acquaintances - classmates at best,” Katsuki retorted.
“I don’t think that’s entirely true,” Dr. Yamaguchi argued, “You’ve known each other your whole lives. Although you grew apart, you were once very close, from what I understand.”
“Yeah, when we were four.”
“But he never left your life. He’s always been there, a constant. I’d say that’s more than ‘just classmates’ at this point,” she remarked. Bakugou ducked his head in embarrassment.
“Yeah, but we’re still not friends,” he grumbled bitterly.
“Not yet,” Dr. Yamaguchi corrected, holding up a finger. “You have control over your own actions, and if you truly want to become a better friend then you can actively choose to show it through your actions.”
“Well, obviously,” Katsuki snapped, “But I don’t know what fucking actions to show it through.” He crossed his arms and glared at his therapist. She watched him patiently.
“How did you show affection when you were kids?”
“I didn’t,” Katsuki scoffed.
“You’ve heard the saying that kids are mean to people they like,” she continued slowly, “And from the sound of it, you were pretty harsh on Midoriya.”
“I was more than pretty harsh,” he said with dry humor in his voice. He stared at the floor, trying to hold in his next words.
In the end, he couldn’t resist blurting them out.
“Did you know I told him to kill himself?”
His words were met with silence.
“In middle school, before we came to UA,” he explained, pausing for a moment before his next words, “I told him to jump off the roof.”
Dr. Yamaguchi was quiet, waiting. Bakugou was silent, hollowed out by his own words.
“Do you know why you told him that?” his therapist asked after a moment.
“Because I’m an asshole and wanted to cause him pain,” he replied evenly. “I chose to be as awful to Deku as possible so he would leave me the fuck alone - so he would go away.”
“Why did you want him to go away?”
“Because I couldn’t stand to be around him!” he said, voice raising in frustration.
“Why not?” she pressed.
“Because he’s weak and inferior, and he was supposed to be behind me my whole life, but before the race even started he was halfway to the finish line!” he practically yelled. “I’m supposed to be the winner, I’m supposed to be in the lead, but he’s more a hero at heart than I can ever try to be.”
Dr. Yamaguchi let Bakugou continue to rant.
“He cares about people who didn’t ask him to, and saves people whether or not they want it, and I - I can’t even say thank you to my friends without feeling like I want to vomit and punch through a wall,” he was breathing heavily now, getting worked up, “Deku always sees the good in people, even if it’s buried too deep for them to see, even if they don’t want to believe they have it inside, even if they feel like they don’t-” he cut off sharply, biting his tongue.
“Deserve it?” Dr. Yamaguchi finished. Katsuki turned away, eyes focusing on a picture on the wall. He stared at it - a close-up of Dr. Yamaguchi and the taller woman holding each other close and smiling into the camera while standing on a mountainside dappled with herds of goats.
They looked so happy together, more joy written on his therapist’s face than he’d ever seen during his sessions as if just being together made everything in the world right again.
“You think you don’t deserve to be around Midoriya,” she stated more so than asked. Bakugou stayed quiet, looking at the picture. “You think you don’t deserve his friendship.”
“How could I?” he asked, voice small.
“That’s for Midoriya to decide.”
“It doesn’t matter, because I don’t deserve it.”
“Midoriya thinks you do.”
“How could you possibly think that?” Bakugou lashed out. “After everything I’ve put him through, how can you sit here and look me in my eyes and tell me I deserve to be his friend?”
“Everyone deserves a second chance, especially those who want to earn it.”
“We’re way past second chances,” Katsuki said, taking a breath and turning back to his therapist, “I’ve had a lifetime of chances and I’ve fucked up each and every one.”
“But you don’t want to fuck up anymore.”
“No,” Katsuki sighed, “I don’t.”
“And that change, that shift in desire, that is what matters, Katsuki,” she pushed forward with hope in her voice. “That shows how much you’ve grown.”
Katsuki ducked his head and stared at his hands in his lap.
“I just - I want to be a good friend. I… want people to be proud to call me their friend, not because of my strength and status as a hero, but… because of who I am,” he muttered.
“I’ve never heard you sound so unsure of yourself.”
“Of course I’m unsure,” he fumed, tightening his hands into fists, “This is new to me, and I can’t fuck it up because I’m Katsuki Bakugou and I’m good at everything.”
“That’s a lot of pressure to carry on your shoulders.”
“The next number one hero can handle a little pressure.”
“So you don’t think it would benefit you to let someone else carry part of the load?” his therapist asked curiously.
“And let them see how weak I am?” he said dryly, “Not fucking likely.” He flexed his fingers and wiped his palm sweat on his pants. “If I ask for help, if I admit I can’t do it by myself-” he cut himself off, shaking his head.
“But you’ve already asked for my help, today,” Dr. Yamaguchi pointed out, “And I didn’t see you as weak for asking, I felt proud of you.”
“Of course you did, you’re my therapist,” he bit back, “No one else is going to psychoanalyze me to death and convince themselves they know how my brain ticks.”
“Is that what you think I do?”
“Is that not what you do?”
Dr. Yamaguchi took a deep breath and glanced over to the pictures on the wall, eyes locking on the same photo Bakugou had just been staring at.
“I’m here to help you understand yourself better - to see the things you can’t, things you don’t want to,” she said slowly. “I’m here to help you work through your emotions, not just your anger,” she turned and met Katsuki’s eyes. “But most importantly, I’m here for whatever reason you may need me.”
“I don’t need you,” Katsuki snapped back instinctively.
Dr. Yamaguchi gave him a small smile, and the two watched each other for a moment, both aware of Bakugou’s lie but unwilling to be the first to speak.
Finally, Dr. Yamaguchi sighed.
“You chose to schedule this session, Katsuki. You want to help yourself, I can feel it,” his therapist began earnestly, “And I want to help you, if you’ll let me.”
“I’m trying!” Bakugou shouted, shoulders shaking with anger. “I’m fucking trying, okay?”
“I know you are,” Dr. Yamaguchi said calmly.
“Then why is it so hard for me to show my friends I care about them?” he said in a frustrated tone, “Why is it so hard for me to be nice to them? To anyone?”
“Being kind risks rejection,” Dr. Yamaguchi spoke softly, “Maybe they don’t want your kindness.” She gave her patient a pointed look as she spoke, “Does that remind you of anyone, Katsuki?”
Bakugou’s ears began to burn and he crossed his arms roughly, holding them close to his body.
“Just because you reject the kindness of others doesn’t mean they don’t crave yours,” she continued, “Your friends want to be around you, even if you’re a self-described asshole, and they’re willing to take all the shit you give them. After accepting all of that, do you really think they would reject your kindness?”
Bakugou tucked his chin and took a calming breath to ground himself. He called his friends names, teased them about their insecurities, compared them to extras, and he had taken out his anger on them more times than he could count on his fingers and toes.
But they still said ‘Hi,’ to him in class. They still made jokes with him and invited him to hang out even if he always turned them down. They still crowded around his desk in class and begged him to cook dinner for them. They still smiled at him despite his glaring.
They still wanted to be around him, despite… him.
“You don’t have to be perfect right away - in fact, you’ll never really be perfect at it,” Dr. Yamaguchi reasoned. “But learning to be kind should start small. You’re not going to stop using rude nicknames or harsh words overnight. In fact, it might worry your friends if you did. But focusing on one small way to show kindness is a powerful first step.”
She held her fist up triumphantly.
“Choose one action you’d like to perform more often to show your affection, and start there,” she said confidently, “That will be your homework.” She glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed. “Our time is up, and I know it’ll be a while until you want to see me again, so I want to leave you with one last thing to think about.”
Bakugou watched her compose herself and level a sharp gaze at him.
“How do you feel when people show kindness to you?”
–
Bakugou hesitated at the entrance to the dorms. It was late enough that everyone would most likely be hanging out in the common room, playing games or watching a movie or some other inclusive friend activity that they so frequently tried to drag Bakugou into. He sighed and opened the door, instantly greeted with the steady chatter filtering over from the sofas.
He saw Kaminari and Kirishima’s heads peeking up from one of the couches, and at the sound of the door opening they both turned to see him.
“Bakubro!” Kirishima exclaimed, “What’s up man! You should help us pick which movie to watch tonight,” he said with a smile. Bakugou grumbled at the name.
“Why should I pick if I’m not even going to watch it?”
“Well… you could always stay and watch it with us…?” Kaminari suggested innocently.
“Not likely,” Bakugou bit back.
“Well, you have superior taste in cinema so I’d still gladly accept your opinion,” Kirishima added. He held up a few movies and gestured for Bakugou to come closer. The blond rolled his eyes and came further into the room. He could see more of his friends spread out - some baking in the kitchen with Sato, a few clustered around Jirou’s computer, others playing a board game with Sero, and the last few sitting around the table with Midoriya who was sandwiched on the other couch between Uraraka and Ida.
Bakugou stood behind the couch and leaned forward as his friends showed him their movie selection. He took one glance and scoffed.
“These are all shit.”
“What? We hand-selected each of these!” Kaminari complained.
“Yeah, and your taste is shit.”
“Well if you hate all of these, then what should we watch instead?” Kirishima asked. Bakugou mulled it over for a minute before smirking.
“Gimme a sec,” he said, then he turned and disappeared up the stairs. He retrieved a movie from the shelf above his desk and returned to the common room, walking to the center between the couches and proudly offering his movie of choice.
“You can thank me later,” he said with a smirk.
Kaminari grabbed the DVD out of his hand and his eyes went wide.
“Dude, you have the limited edition director’s cut of All Might vs. Black Matter: The Forgotten Son? Like dude, for real?” Denki exclaimed. “You can’t even buy this shit anymore! How long have you been keeping this movie to yourself?” he added, scandalized.
Before Bakugou could make a snarky reply, someone else spoke up.
“Kacchan’s had that since its initial release!” Izuku said excitedly. “But I haven’t seen it in years. Not since-” he cut himself off abruptly and glanced up, meeting Katsuki’s eyes. The blond boy stared at him, heart hammering in his chest as green eyes pierced through him. The fiery red gaze that met Izuku’s felt warmer than normal, less like a raging inferno and more like a comforting fireplace. Izuku smiled, and Katsuki felt his heart skip a beat. “It’s so cool, you guys are going to love it,” he added, turning to his other friends and shining his smile at them.
“Tch. Just don’t scratch the disc,” Bakugou said briskly, then he turned to leave.
“Wait, Kacchan, you’re not going to watch it with us?” Izuku asked, words laced with disappointment. “I know we watched it a lot as kids, but wouldn’t it be fun to-” Bakugou turned back around and fixed Izuku with an indecipherable look, cutting him off.
“I’ve already seen it a million times, I think I’ll pass,” he kept his tone as level as he could, feeling the emotion threaten to pull at his vocal cords. Izuku held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. “Just leave it on the table when you’re done and I’ll grab it in the morning,” he added as he turned and walked out of the common room before anyone could reply.
As he walked up the stairs he heard the idle chatter resume, and let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. He took his time getting to his room, letting his mind swirl and straighten out. He opened his door and shouldered inside, shutting it softly behind him before leaning his back against it as he slid down to the floor.
He knew he should’ve stayed to hang out with his friends - it would be exactly what Dr. Yamaguchi wanted - but the thought of being around so many people, even friends, felt too overwhelming after his emotions had just been dissected.
He needed some time to think.
Alone.
He let his head fall into his hands, arms propped on knees as he pulled them close. Giving them the movie was as much as he could do today - allowing them to see something he held close to his heart.
Maybe he hadn’t told them how much the movie meant to him, but hopefully, they would take his gesture for what it was - him opening up just a little bit.
He knew it was stupid to expect his friends to read between the lines, but he refused to be more blatant about it. It already felt like too much, the gesture of giving his friends one of his favorite movies to watch, and he couldn’t handle seeing their live reactions to his favorite scenes. He couldn’t stand the emotion that would fill every syllable and accumulate into an all too honest conversation.
He just needed a breather.
And lying back against his door with his head tilted up to the ceiling felt just right. He sat there for a while, content to focus on his breathing as he tried to reel in all of his thoughts.
He tried not to linger on the bright green eyes that had looked up at him with so much hope, and so, so much disappointment.
You’re not going to watch it with us?
He exhaled, running a hand down his face. He rubbed his knuckles into his eyes roughly and watched as stars appeared behind his eyelids. He didn’t want to think about the disappointment in Deku’s voice - how it sounded like he was actually upset that Katsuki wouldn’t be joining his friends for the movie. It made a sick feeling curl in his gut and pull.
His body felt wrecked from processing so many emotions in a single day and it was a struggle to drag himself to his feet. He made his way over to his desk and collapsed in the chair, trying to convince himself to look over his notes from class.
He could barely get his eyes to focus as his mind swirled with conflicting thoughts and emotions concerning his friends - and more specifically Deku. He could barely focus on the sentence he had read four times already, and finally let out a frustrated groan and slammed his notebook shut.
What the fuck was the point of studying if he couldn’t even remember what subject he was on? Bakugou grumbled to himself, then stood and walked over to his bed. He stared at the mattress for a moment before taking his sports bra off under his shirt and flinging himself on the black duvet to sink satisfyingly into the plush bed.
“Fuck,” he breathed out as his muscles relaxed into the soft mattress. He let his eyes fall closed as he basked in the comforting pressure of his bed underneath his weary body. The only noise in his room was the humble whir of his standing fan. It blew lazily over him, the cool air offering relief to his emotionally overstimulated body.
He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, or if he had accidentally drifted to sleep for a bit, but he jolted up when he heard a soft knock on his door. Katsuki stared at the door for a moment, trying to decide if he had actually heard a knock and whether or not he cared enough to check, when the knock came again, somehow more timid than the first time.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” he grumbled grouchily as he slid off his bed and dragged himself over to the door. “What do you want-” he started as he pulled open the door, but he abruptly stopped as his eyes landed on the green-haired boy in front of him.
“H-hi Kacchan,” Deku said weakly, offering a small wave with one hand. The other hand was holding a DVD case close to his chest protectively. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I wasn’t sleeping,” Katsuki lied. “What do you want, nerd?”
“I just wanted to return your movie,” Deku explained, holding out the DVD case. Katsuki stared at it for a moment before reaching for it. For the briefest moment, Katsuki’s fingers ghosted over Izuku’s, feeling the rough, scarred skin beneath his fingertips.
It shouldn’t have surprised Bakugou how rough Midoriya’s hands were - he had seen the other boy break his bones over and over again, abusing them until even Recovery Girl couldn’t fully heal them - but for some reason, he had always imagined the soft, gentle hand that he had held so many times as a kid.
Not that he thought about Deku’s hands often, or anything.
He snatched the movie back.
“Is that it?” he asked, knowing full well that was never ‘it’ with Deku.
“Well, actually-” Here it comes, “I-I just wanted to say thank you.”
“For what?”
“Letting us borrow your movie.”
“Tch. You losers would watch grass grow if I videoed it.”
“Hey, that’s not true!” Izuku said indignantly. Katsuki smirked.
“But I figured I wouldn’t waste everyone’s time, so I had to settle for a movie-”
“Not just any movie, one of the best All Might movies that was ever made! And it’s the special edition of the director’s cut that has my favorite scene of all time where All Might gives his inspirational monologue to his son, and-” Deku rambled for a moment before cutting himself off and going red in the face. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to get so worked up over a movie,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck and ducking his head, “I just haven’t gotten to watch that scene since we were kids.”
Katsuki felt like someone had pulled a rug out from under his feet.
“What are you talking about?” he asked slowly.
Deku didn’t meet his eyes, just silently stared at the floor.
“You have a copy of the movie too,” Katsuki continued, “Our moms bought them for us at the same time. Did you lose it or something?” he pressed, unsure why it mattered so much to him.
“N-no, I didn’t lose it,” Deku responded, still staring down at his feet.
“Then what happened to it?”
“It… broke.”
“What, did you watch it one too many times?”
“Not exactly…”
“Spit it out, nerd.”
“I-I brought it to school one day to show some kids in class. They didn’t believe me when I said I had the special edition,” he continued nervously. “I thought maybe if they saw how cool the movie was they m-might think… I don’t know…” he trailed off.
“You still haven’t told me what actually happened to the movie, idiot.”
“R-right,” Deku said weakly. “So, it was in my backpack at school, a-and…” he raised his head just enough to look Katsuki in the eye, “You kind of… used your quirk on my backpack… a-and threw it out the window of the classroom… and into the fountain.”
Katsuki’s mouth went dry and the smirk fell from his lips. He had done that exact thing to Deku’s backpack too many times to count over the years.
How many of Deku’s things had he broken?
How much homework had he ruined?
How had he never cared about the consequences of his childish outbursts until now?
So, of fucking course it was his fault - and better yet, he never would’ve known if he hadn’t pressured Deku into telling him. Deku would’ve taken that secret to his grave, and Katsuki never would’ve known to blame himself.
“I looked for another one for years, b-but they were only available at the initial release, and no one wants to resell something with so much value as a collector’s item,” Deku rambled on, “I still have the damaged copy, I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away, even if it’s… unusable.”
Ruined.
Katsuki had ruined it.
“It’s not a big deal, I mean it happened years ago, so it doesn’t matter- and besides, I have tons of other All Might movies, so I can always watch those instead-”
Katsuki shoved the DVD back into Deku’s hands.
“Take it,” he said.
“I - what?” Deku asked lamely.
“The movie. Take it.” Katsuki shoved it towards Deku, pushing it into his chest.
“K-Kacchan, I can’t,” Izuku tried to explain.
“Yes, you can,” Katsuki pushed. “I’m giving it to you. It’s yours now. Take it.”
Katsuki didn’t mention that it was his favorite All Might movie. He didn’t bring up the fact that the monologue scene Deku had been talking about was his favorite scene too. He didn’t talk about how it still made him cry every time he watched it, or how he always felt like there should be a sniffling boy sobbing alongside him, tugging at his sleeve.
He was allowed years to rewatch and relive those moments, years that he had stolen from Deku. It was the least he could do to offer them back.
“This movie is priceless, Kacchan, I can’t possibly take it-”
Maybe they don’t want your kindness.
Katsuki clenched his jaw.
“I don’t care how much money it’s worth, I want you to have it,” he said through gritted teeth.
“But what if you regret it and want to watch it again-”
“Then I can borrow it,” he snapped. “From you. Because it’s yours. So. Take. It.”
Deku’s hands slowly closed around the DVD case, uncertainty in his eyes. There was no way Kacchan was really giving up one of, if not the, most valuable movie he owned. There was no way in hell he was giving it to Deku. He tried to push it back into Kacchan’s hands.
“R-really, it’s okay! I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty o-or anything,” he reassured Kacchan, “I just wanted you to know how much fun we had watching it!”
“Yeah… we…” Katsuki said skeptically, pushing the DVD case back, “Judging from your red-rimmed eyes, I’d say you were the one who enjoyed it the most.”
“Hey, no fair!” Deku whined, “Kaminari and Kirishima teared up too!”
“And I bet you sobbed so hard you needed tissues, crybaby,” he replied with a smirk.
“It’s a good movie!” Deku said defensively, pushing the movie back towards Katsuki. “Besides, you cried when you watched it too!”
“Yeah, when I was four,” he scoffed, bluffing.
“You just didn’t want anyone to see you cry, that’s why you didn’t watch it with us tonight!”
“As if! I’ve just seen it too many times and had studying to do,” he deflected.
“You can make as many excuses as you want, Kacchan, but I’ll always know the truth,” Deku teased.
“Keep lying to yourself, Deku. I’m not a crier.”
“Then prove it.”
“What?”
“Watch it with me and prove it,” Deku urged with a small smile spread across his lips. It made Katsuki’s stomach flip and he had to force himself to hold Deku’s hopeful gaze. It was a conscious effort to control his breathing and not let his grip on the DVD tighten too much.
“Watch it with you?”
“Not tonight,” Deku reassured him, “But sometime soon. I know you don’t like hanging out in the common room, so we could watch it in my room - i-if you wanted,” he rushed at the end.
Deku felt like his entire body had been electrocuted and every nerve was standing on edge. His heart was beating in his chest, so loud he could hear it pounding in his ears. He was terrified to be staring at Kacchan for so long, but equally as terrified to try and look away.
“Okay,” Kacchan replied after a long moment of silence.
Deku blinked in disbelief.
“Really?” He couldn’t help the hopefulness uplifting the word.
“I said okay, didn’t I?” Katsuki bit back.
“R-right! Just let me know when you want to, and you can bring it over-”
“No,” Bakugou interrupted, shoving the DVD case fully into Midoriya’s hands and letting go of it, “You’ll keep it safe until then.”
“But, Kacchan-”
“I’ve already made up my mind, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” he said harshly. “So just accept it and stop arguing with me.”
“A-are you sure?” Deku asked, voice small. It made a vice wrap tightly around Katsuki’s heart.
“Do you not want it?”
“What?”
“Do you not want the movie?” Katsuki asked evenly.
“Of course I want it! It’s just…” Deku trailed off.
“Just what?”
“It feels kind of wrong. Taking it from you,” he explained, rubbing the back of his neck.
“So you don’t want it because I’m the one giving it to you?” Katsuki accused.
“No! That’s not it at all!” Deku rushed to correct him, waving a hand frantically. “If anything, it makes it more special because it’s from you-” he continued, catching up to his own words a little too late and flushing at the admission, “I just mean, I really appreciate gifts and kind gestures, a-and you don’t give them often. So it just feels a little unreal.”
“It’s just a movie,” Katsuki pointed out.
“But it’s not!” Izuku countered, “It’s so much more than just a movie. All of the behind the scenes footage, a-and the interviews with the actors, and all of the deleted scenes - we watched it so many times we had most of the dialogue memorized. It’s… special to me, Kacchan.” He ducked his head again. “I just want you to know, I-I’m thankful for it. All of it.”
Choose one action you’d like to perform more often to show your affection and start there.
Before Katsuki could stop himself he buried a hand in Deku’s unruly green curls and ruffled them. The moment his hands felt the soft texture he had dozens of memories come rushing to his mind.
All of them from his childhood - from their childhood.
Deku ducking his head in apology over every little thing and Katsuki taking advantage and ruffling his hair mercilessly until he smiled.
Big, sad, green eyes with tears threatening to spill at the corners, and ruffling green curls until the tears were replaced with laughter.
Moments that he had forgotten.
Moments he wanted to remember.
“You better be, nerd,” he bit out as he disheveled Deku’s hair, the action both easing the tension in his shoulders and causing his heart to hammer inside of his chest.
Izuku wanted to reply, but as soon as he felt a warm hand in his hair all of his words died in his throat. In fact, his throat went painfully dry and his breath hitched. He felt his body flush from head to toe, ears and cheeks painted bright red. Izuku was hyper aware of the gentle movement in his hair that scratched ever so slightly at his scalp and felt comforting in a way he had missed for years.
He was terrified that if he moved, if he said anything, if he breathed wrong, he would ruin the moment and lose whatever was happening in a way that couldn’t be recovered. He held his breath as his heart bloomed inside his chest and a small smile spread across his lips.
“You know, you’re pretty shitty at accepting gifts,” Katsuki commented, giving one last light scratch before dropping his hand.
“W-what? I just - I didn’t -” Izuku stuttered, straightening back up and shooting Katsuki a helpless look. “I’m sorry! Thank you so much for the gift, Kacchan! I’ll take good care of it and if you ever need it back-”
“I’m not taking it back, Deku.”
Izuku let out a frustrated huff and shook his head.
“Okay,” he said finally.
“Okay,” Katsuki nodded. “If that’s all, I need to get back to studying.”
“O-oh, um…”
“Spit it out, nerd,” Bakugou sighed, patience wearing thin.
“I-I just wanted to ask… are you okay?”
“What?” Katsuki said, caught off guard.
“It’s just - you seem less angry than normal, a-and I wasn’t sure if something was wrong-”
“So because I’m not pissed off something must be wrong?” Katsuki said, annoyance building in each word. “What, I can’t have a single moment of level-headedness without the world ending?”
“N-no, not at all! It’s nice,” Izuku explained, “I like it.”
Katsuki’s stomach flipped at the words ‘I like it’ and he felt his whole body begin to warm up.
“You like it when it seems like there’s something wrong with me?”
“No! I-I just think it’s nice talking to you when you’re not yelling at me,” Deku corrected.
It’s nice talking to you.
Katsuki’s stomach did another flip. He didn’t want to admit it, but it was kind of nice talking to Deku without his head clouded by so much anger. Sessions with Dr. Yamaguchi usually tired him out to the point of being past anger and left with only low-energy emotions. He could still get spikes of anger, but they were nothing like the outbursts he had between sessions.
“I’m working on it,” he said without really meaning to.
“Working on what?” Deku asked.
“The yelling. The anger. All of it,” he admitted as a rush of nervousness flooded his body and sent a shiver down his spine. He glanced to the side and rubbed his neck. “But all of our friends piss me the fuck off so it’s a slow process. Don’t expect much.” He sniffed and tried to fight the urge to look over and see Deku’s reaction.
Izuku watched him, taking in the way Katsuki’s shoulders were slightly shaking and his face was slightly pink. He noticed all the little ways that showed him how hard Kacchan was trying. The fact that he was even talking to Deku was proof enough - they had barely exchanged more than a few sentences for months, so a full-blown honest conversation was a shock to his system. A good shock, but a shock nonetheless.
Katsuki lost his internal battle and glanced over at Izuku, meeting big, green eyes full of a warm emotion that sent a flutter through Katsuki’s stomach. He held Deku’s gaze for a moment, before scoffing and shoving his hand into the green curls, forcing Izuku’s head down until he was bent over as Katsuki mercilessly ruffled his hair.
“What are you looking at, nerd?”
“Ow- ow, Kacchan!” Deku whined.
“Get the fuck out of here so I can study already,” he huffed, giving one last shove to Deku’s head before pulling his arm back. Izuku stood up straight, face flushed and eyes wide like a deer in the headlights.
“Um, r-right,” he stammered, taking a step back and nodding, “Have a good night, Kacchan. And thank you for the movie.”
“Whatever. Don’t trip on your way down the stairs and fall on the disc.”
“Why would you say that!”
“Because you totally would,” he teased. “Am I wrong?”
“...No.”
“That’s what I thought,” Katsuki said, satisfied. “Now leave me alone, I’m studying.” Katsuki grabbed the edge of the door, not quite closing it yet. Deku opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but hesitated for a moment before sighing.
“Goodnight, Kacchan,” he settled on with a tight smile.
“Goodnight, nerd,” he replied, feeling confident before the words had left his mouth, and more than a little bit mortified after they had. His face began to burn.
Izuku’s smile grew a fraction bigger, and he ducked his head and turned to leave. He got a few steps down the hall before glancing back over his shoulder and catching Katsuki watching him as he left. Katsuki’s eyes widened and he hastily stepped back inside of his room and slammed the door shut. Izuku couldn’t help the small laugh that bubbled up in his throat and left to return to his room with a stupid smile on his face.
Katsuki leaned back against the door and allowed himself to slide to the floor once more.
What the fuck did he just do?
Why had he ruffled Deku’s hair?
Why did he want to do it again?
His heart was trying to beat out of his chest, breaths coming in shallow gasps. His whole body felt cold and hot at the same time, skin prickling and goosebumps raised. He tried to focus his eyes, but his vision had started to go blurry around the edges and everything looked smudged.
He had said ‘goodnight’ to Deku. To Deku, of all people.
He had given his favorite All Might movie to Deku.
He had ruffled Deku’s hair.
Why had he ruffled Deku’s hair?
Bakugou let his head fall into his hands and squeezed his eyes shut. Their conversation kept looping in his head, Deku’s voice filling his ears, smiling so hard Katsuki could hear it in each word.
I like it.
It’s nice talking to you.
Katsuki’s stomach clenched painfully, and he dug his fingernails into his scalp. He tried to clear his mind, to stop thinking about bright green eyes and freckles dusting across pink-tinged cheeks. He tried to push away the memory of a scarred hand brushing his own and soft curls tangled between his fingers. He tried to rid himself of the deep clawing feeling in his gut that ached for more.
God, he was so fucked.