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“Thank you for taking care of me.”
The sharp jaw flexed as the young man raised his head to smile at Kanda. That dammed happy little smile that always irritated Kanda, since he knew it to be a lie.
Determined to look away, Kanda’s eyes caught sight of a group of men pulling Allen’s meager belongings from a cart. They flinched at the glare the young man shot them, practically daring them to step into his home.
“His things,” one of the men dared approach them, handing Kanda the burlap sack.
“Get lost.”
The men seemed taken aback at the curtness, but the look on Kanda’s face told them he wasn’t to be trifled with.
Allen remained still as the men nodded to the two of them and the loaded into the cart.
“They’re leaving,” Kanda said, watching the cart take off to vanish over the hills.
“I can hear them,” Allen nodded, “finally.”
Despite Allen’s poker face, Kanda couldn’t mistake the shoulders hanging in relief.
“Here,” Kanda said, his hand lowering to take Allen’s, “come in.”
“Thanks…”
“Mind your step…”
It felt odd for Kanda to be guiding Allen over the threshold, but given the thick white bandages around his eyes, he had no other choice.
Allen Walker, the boy that saw souls of the damned, would never see again.
The young man stepped gingerly into his new surroundings, wavering slightly and he seemed to want touch the wall for support. He swallowed, partly wanting to remove his hand from Kanda’s.
It must be torture, not to be able to trust anyone, to be so fiercely independent, and now to be rendered helpless and reliant on others.
“Seems like a nice place,” Allen said, “surprised to hear they knew where you lived.”
“A condition they set,” Kanda said grimly, placing Allen’s stuff at the entrance.
The Order was still recovering. Directionless and rudderless now, most had disbanded, flying to all corners of the world, away from its reach. Kanda wasn’t so lucky, given that it made him, but he too looked for a new home, away from it all. They could still find him, but knew better than to disturb him.
Except in this case.
Allen had recovered as best he could under their care, and was now seeking a home elsewhere. When Kanda heard this, he decided to sweeten his deal a little bit. Surprisingly, they agreed Kanda would make a home for Allen, provided the Order left them alone for good.
“Everything’s on the same floor,” Kanda was telling him, leading Allen around by the arm, “your room is here…”
He took Allen around the house, stopping and explaining the location and purpose of the rooms. Almost on instinct, he looked around, swallowing thickly when he was reminded of his current predicament.
“The wood’s a little unsteady in some places,” Kanda said, “if you trip, let me know.”
“I’ll be careful.”
Allen stepped into his room, walking slowly until his shin touched the bed. After a moment, Allen turned and sat on the mattress. Kanda took the chance to retrieve his things and bring it to Allen’s room, the young man remain unmoving on the bed.
“Sorry,” Allen huffed, “still a little hard for me to move about.”
“Hm…”
Instinctively, Kanda’s hand reached out, fingers a moment away from grazing Allen’s cheek when he managed to stop himself. Kanda also couldn’t stop himself looking down to where Allen’s left arm used to lay.
Another thing lost in a battle.
“C’mon; I’ll show you my room—”
“You’re not sleeping here?”
Kanda looked back to the shocked face.
“No,” he said after a moment, “no, my room’s over here…”
They resumed their tour, Allen having a little less pep in his step now.
“And this is the backyard,” Kanda said, “careful; there’s a drop-off right here.”
“What’s out here?”
“Nothing much,” Kanda admitted, “I’m trying to make it into a garden, but it’s not ready yet.”
“Oh… yeah… you liked gardening, didn’t you?” Allen smiled, “when it’s ready, will you let me know?”
Kanda’s mouth opened and closed, wondering why Allen would want to know something like that since he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the beauty of it.
“Sure.”
After a few months of awkward interactions and bumps, Kanda found his house had become something of a sanctuary. Allen was getting better at moving around unaided. He now knew the entire layout of the house by memory, and was doing little things to help himself, like make himself less complicated lunches, bathe himself, and even help out with a few chores. He seemed to enjoy the independence, and Kanda was grateful he wouldn’t have to watch the young man religiously.
“OW!”
Kanda leaned his head into the kitchen, watching Allen rub his knee.
“When did you move the table?”
“I needed to clean under it,” Kanda said, “here.”
“You don’t need too—"
Kanda was in front in a moment, moving the table back to where Allen was used to having it. Allen bit his lip, frustration slipping onto his face before he remembered to keep it pleasant. There were getting on like they used too, for the most part. There were still moments of uncomfortable silence, and Kanda still found himself unable to look at Allen.
Like now.
“Thanks.”
Allen took his seat, hand on the table to steady himself.
“Just glad I didn’t spill my sandwich,” he half-joked, “that’d be a messy clean-up.”
“Let me know if you do.”
The hand that slowly reached towards him was met with air. Kanda, for his part, had moved away, leaving Allen looking rather dejected.
“I’ll be outside,” Kanda said, “yell if you need me.”
“Right.”
He returned to digging in the dirt, unearthing stones and dead roots and tossing them aside. Even under the grey sky, it was more comfortable than being in the house, watching the prideful Allen Walker shuffle around muttering to himself about where the couch was.
And he was reminded of the scream that ripped through the sky.
Grunting, Kanda turned to the pile that he now needed to compost, trying to fix his thoughts away from the last few years of the war.
So much blood and death and violence. Every choice they made led to more and more death. It felt like no matter what they did they were only prolonging what was their inevitable demise. It made him more and more determined to fill his life with some color, but all the color he’d planned for his garden just seemed so dull now. Herbs like mint, basil, and lemongrass would be better; he could at least cook with those.
“Garden’s coming in well?”
Kanda nearly jumped at the soft voice.
“I need to put a bell on you,” Kanda grumbled.
“Didn’t mean to scare you,” Allen said, coming to sit on the deck’s floor, “you used to be sharper than that.”
Kanda grumbled, hating to admit he’d let himself dull since he’d retired.
“It smells nice here,” Allen said, running his fingers over the budding rosemary, “it’s coming in.”
“Careful in the far corner,” Kanda said, “the roses haven’t come in yet, but their thorns have.”
“Thanks.”
Allen remained seated as Kanda started to march up the few steps, his head turning to face the young man.
“Kanda—”
“Call me if you need coming in,” Kanda said without looking at Allen.
“Right…”
Kanda ignored Allen’s dejection yet again. It was a common enough theme between the two of them; Allen would try and be soft and sweet, and Kanda would ignore it. The months of helping him to recover, to live with one arm, to live with no sight, and Kanda would do his best to ignore the attention Allen showed him.
Lest Allen be brutalized again.
“Move out!”
“Run!”
“Where is Moyashi!?”
“There—”
“Move—”
“AUUGGHHHH!!”
“MOYASHI!”
“MY EYES! MY EYES! OH GOD!”
Blue eyes snapped open, sweat coating as he heaved and gasped, the scream still ringing in his ears. It was comfort, then, to see a plain and boring ceiling.
He rolled over, making his way to the bathroom to grab a mouthful of water and splash it on the back of his neck.
That nightmare again.
He wished he could forget it.
The war had dragged on and on. He and Allen were assigned to the same quadrant, but somehow, they’d been separated in the war. Bodies lay strewn about them, littering the battlefield with corpses, both human an akuma. In the fight, Kanda had gone to seek out Allen, only to find him a moment too late.
That scream would haunt him until the day he’d die.
A blade had cut through Allen’s arm and sliced into his eyes, adding another scar to Allen’s collection. This time, it went perpendicular to the one over his left eye, and rendered him helpless.
In a moment, Allen was painfully rendered helpless.
Kanda grunted as he returned to bed, sighing as he readied himself for another sleepless night. Whenever he looked at Allen, eyes wrapped in cotton, the only thing he saw was blood running down his face and a deep gouge running from temple to temple.
He couldn’t get that sight out of his mind.
The Order said it was a miracle he’d survived.
Kanda stiffened as he heard his door creek open and then closed, listening to the footfalls approach him. He was still half asleep when he felt the bed creek under a new weight, a hand searching for his body.
“Moyashi?” Kanda mumbled, trying to keep his body still in false hopes that he might yet return to sleep, “you’re in the wrong room—”
“I know it’s yours.”
Allen put his whole weight on the mattress.
“Go back to bed,” Kanda whispered.
“You alright?”
Kanda paused, glancing to the dark figure on his mattress, sitting in loose pants and a button-up shirt, one arm tied up and fresh bandages on his face.
And Allen was asking him if he was okay?
“’M fine,” Kanda said, “c’mon; let’s get you back to bed—”
“Why?”
A hand managed to find Kanda’s, slipping the fingers over Kanda’s.
“We’re here… together…”
“What’re you on about?”
“You know what.”
The young man had settled on Kanda’s hips, legs on either side of the young man that was now sitting up fully.
“I’ve waited three months,” Allen’s hand slipping up Kanda’s abdomen, “please, Yuu—”
“Moyashi,” Kanda gently pushed Allen back, “you’re still not—”
“I’m blind, not broken.”
Frustration was now slipping to the forefront of Allen’s expressions. All the sweetness and softness was now gone, replaced with a narrowed brow and an angry expression.
“I’m as healed as I can be,” Allen pushed back, his hand still on Kanda’s chest, “and I want to have sex with you again. Like we used too.”
“Moyashi—”
Allen’s face was much closer than Kanda thought possible. Kanda stilled, smelling the mint from Allen’s breath before the tentative lips pressed against his.
“It feels the same…”
When Kanda opened his eyes, it was to an emotional Allen. He seemed stuck between wanting to laugh and wanting to cry. His brows furled and knitted together, face tensing and twitching.
“Thank goodness,” Allen whispered, “it feels the same.”
Kanda sat up a little now, Allen adjusting to the shifting weight.
“Kanda—”
“Get back to bed,” Kanda said, “now.”
“Oi—"
How could he tell Allen? How could he tell him that, despite all the opportunities they had now that Allen no longer had babysitters and neither were beholden to the Order, all he could see when he looked at Allen was blood dripping down his cheeks as he clutched his eyes and begged for mercy? How could he tell him that the sight of Allen’s scar made guilt twist in his stomach?
That, despite all the death and blood he’d seen, Allen’s injuries were just too much for him.
“What’s the matter with you!” Allen snapped, hand pushing Kanda’s arm, “you can’t even look at me anymore!”
“You can’t see! How the Hell—”
“You haven’t.”
Kanda grimaced, but remained quiet.
Allen refused to be touched since that day. Perhaps it was because he couldn’t tell friend from foe, but regardless, he wanted nothing to do with anyone. It wasn’t until he’d come to live with Kanda did he finally seemed to relax.
And now Kanda couldn’t seem to touch him.
“You’ve looked away from me or moved whenever I reach out to you,” Allen said, “I can hear it.”
There was a bitterness in his voice; a pain not even he could hide.
“I didn’t want to live like this,” Allen whispered, “I wanted too just live. It’s why I picked you,” he snapped, “you of all people would understand why I needed to get away from them! I figured you wouldn’t pity me or-or treat me like some fragile little doll,” he swallowed, “but here you are, doing exactly that!”
“Oi—”
“Treat me like I can do things,” Allen said, “like I can make mistakes! Like I can get hurt!” the young man looked down for a moment, “maybe I should’ve had Lavi take me in—"
Allen grunted as he was pulled back onto the mattress. He felt Kanda coming over top of him, warm breath on his neck.
“The last time I treated you like you could hurt, you wound up like this.”
Kanda had buried his nose into the crook of Allen’s neck, inhaling deeply.
He missed this.
To be so close to Allen and feel like he couldn’t touch him was torturous. Anyone else? Sure. But him? No.
The last time he’d touched Allen, Allen never came back the same.
“I might be like this… but I’m still here.”
Allen’s hand ran over Kanda’s cheek. His face had softened now, to the genuine one Kanda liked so much.
“We’re still here,” Allen said, “we never thought we would be,” his nose touched Kanda’s, “now let me be together… with you.”
He kissed Kanda again, finding a more active participant this time.
“I promise you… you’re not strong enough to break me.”
“No?”
A smile spread across Allen’s face as he felt the mattress adjust under Kanda’s hands.
“No,” Allen shook his head, “but you’re welcome to try…”
Kanda was slow and gentle when he lowered to Allen’s lips. Their kiss was full of longing and desperation. Allen’s hand gripped at Kanda’s shirt, hand balling into a fist as he hummed against the elder.
Allen’s legs curled up around Kanda, pushing himself further up on the bed, grinding gently against him.
“I missed you…”
Kanda hated how good it sounded.
They grew hungrier and hungrier, loose clothes slipping to the floor, Kanda feeling a hand slip over his abdomen and stomach.
“You haven’t lost it,” Allen whispered, teasing smile on his lips.
“You expected me too?”
“Some men go… doughy in retirement,” the young man said, tongue between his teeth.
“Doughy?”
Allen grunted as he felt a chill hit his stomach.
“Were you hoping I got a bit doughy?” Allen whispered, lifting up to touch in Kanda’s ear, “I’ve been doing all my exercises… like a good boy…”
“A good boy?”
Kanda’s teeth were now against Allen’s neck.
“Since when are you a ‘good boy’?”
The young man giggled as he bounced back on the mattress, feeling like a return to the better days.
His giggle turned into a sigh as he felt lips press on his chest and abdomen, hands turning rougher as it moved over his sides and hips.
“Yeah… there… hmm…”
Kanda listened to the gentle sighs slip from the young man he’d been caring for. His tongue ran over the toned body, nails digging into the scarred flesh.
“Ah… hm… K-Kanda… K-KANDA!?”
A hand slipped between them, firm fingers gripping Allen’s growing erection. Allen squeaked as he curled around Kanda, hand hugging the young man tightly.
“Hah-uhgn—hn—”
Hips unconsciously rocked into Kanda’s hand, the young man returning to the feeling he’d missed for months.
“W-wai—hhahh—”
Nails dug into Kanda’s back as legs were pulled into the young man’s lap. Deprived of one of his senses, the others were now heightened, and the sensations around himself were driving him practically insane.
“K-Kanda—w-wait—”
“You snuck into my bed, wanting to have sex with me,” Kanda rolled his hips, silencing Allen with a choking sob, "and now you want me to wait!?”
“Just-Just a minute,” Allen panted, his body writhing on the mattress, “I-I—” he swallowed thickly, “I just feel…”
“Feel what?”
Allen’s Adam apple bobbed as he tried to collect his thoughts.
“You…”
His back suddenly arched as he felt fingers run from his tailbone down.
“Wait! Wait—”
“Did you get ready for me?”
Allen shuddered, swallowing thickly as all his bravado seemed to fail him.
“I-I—said—hnng—"
Kanda was slow as he lowered his lips to Allen’s neck, kissing him slowly, Allen’s arm daring to reach out to grip the sheets.
Teeth scraped along Allen’s skin, his fingers digging into the young man. He felt the body beneath him roll and shift, skin turned a light pink under Kanda’s onslaught. Allen panted and gasped, toes tightened, his head turning as he remembered those nights when it was just the two of them, going from rough to gentle, leaving marks in each other that were covered by battle scars.
“Hah… hm… uhgnn!”
Kanda groaned as he managed to slide into Allen, finding the earlier preparation done by the young man rather beneficial. Allen had treated his body well; eating filling meals, doing his exercises, trying to navigate alone, and it seemed he remembered how to prepare himself for their nightly romps.
“Hah… uhn… Y-Yuu…”
Allen’s body flailed a little, his hand scraping down Kanda’s arm.
“Mmph… hm…UGN!”
The movement shocked him, Allen’s body jerking as Kanda thrust into him. Allen’s body arched, the crown of his hair touching the mattress. His mouth opened as he moaned, whining and crying as he felt Kanda thrust into him over and over again, the two settling into their routine as though there hadn’t been a hiatus.
Bowing his head, Kanda found his rhythm again, hips thrusting and slamming into Allen. Arms on either side, the young man felt nails dig into his arm. Feet kicked around him as Allen danced, trying to reconcile the feeling in his body.
“Ah… huh… Y-Yuu…”
When Kanda lifted his head, he saw the wrapping slipping off Allen’s face, revealing the ugly, twisted scar that ran from ear to ear. Whimpering quietly, Allen turned to face the pillow, his hands clinging to either side of the fabric.
Kanda wasn’t having it.
His hand gripped Allen’s jaw, forcing the young man’s face to his. Allen whimpered for a moment before his lips were captured by Kanda’s, the young man’s tongue slipping into his mouth.
“Mmph… hmph…”
Allen gasped for air when they parted, his face flushed a deep red, lips bruised from the rough treatment.
“Ah-huh-haah—”
He flinched when he felt lips touch the scar on his eyes. All of Kanda’s abrasiveness was gone, his lips now gentle on Allen’s skin.
The kisses fluttered from Allen’s temple to his nose, his face twitching as he tried to grow used to tenderness on his skin.
“Yuu…”
“You wanted sex with me,” Kanda whispered, “don’t hide now…”
“Kanda!” Allen hiccoughed, “Y-Yuu!”
“I’m here,” Kanda grunted, “I’m here. I’m always here.”
He held Allen tight as a hand ran over Kanda’s cheek, feeling every crevice and angle on Kanda’s face.
“Th-There you are…” Allen panted, his forehead coming to touch Kanda’s, hand moving up, “m-m-missed y-hah-you…”
It was apparent that Allen’s body still wasn’t where either one was used too. He tried his best, but after their first climax, it was apparent he couldn’t do much more.
“Y-Yuu! YUU!”
He flailed a little as he collapsed, a hand still on Kanda’s wrist as he gasped for air. His hair was still matted over his scars, and his head turned away.
“Moyashi? Oi—”
“M… here…”
Kanda hated how fatigued he sounded. Allen seemed weak now, his body limp around Kanda’s.
Concerned, Kanda managed to pull himself away, running to his bathroom to grab a damp cloth.
“Yuu?”
Allen panted on Kanda’s bed, body splayed where Kanda left him. His hand was now moving, hand sweeping the mattress.
“Yuu!?”
“I’m right here.”
A hand covered Allen’s, him returning to the mattress.
“Give me a minute—”
His aftercare was stilled by an arm wrapping tightly around him, Kanda only now noticing Allen’s trembling wasn’t because of the sex.
“I’m here,” Kanda said, “I’m right here.”
“Stay with me,” Allen whispered, holding Kanda tighter, “don’t leave me…”
“I’m not going to leave you, Allen,” Kanda’s nose touched Allen’s shoulder, “not for anything.”
He took his time caring for Allen, wiping down the sweat and other fluids from his body. Allen remained still, always making sure to keep close to Kanda.
“There…” Kanda murmured, “how do you feel?”
“Hmm…”
“C’mon,” Kanda started, “you can—"
“I’m staying here tonight,” Allen cut him off, rolling over, wrapping himself in the covers, “and every night.”
“Moyashi—”
Allen kept quiet, tightening the blankets around him.
“Oi!”
Still, Allen didn’t respond.
“I know you can hear me,” Kanda said, leaning over, “you’re blind, not deaf.”
Again, the covers tightened, but Allen still didn’t react.
He only shifted when he felt the bed creak next to him, an arm coming around his waist, pulling him close.
“Goodnight, Moyashi.”