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He's back! Gordon Freeman is back! Barney should feel elated, and he does! So... Why does it feel like Gordon is farther away than ever before?
When Barney saw Gordon on the cameras, he instantly rushed out and pulled him aside, but that look of fear in his eye was something Barney couldn't forget. Sure, it had mostly gone when he removed his helmet, but Gordon just looked so lost and confused and scared. At Barney.
Yeah, Barney can't take all the credit for Gordon's fear, but he had something to do with it, and that made Barney sick in a way he couldn't describe. He had plenty of time to prepare himself for the look of disappointment and disgust he would receive from Gordon once he'd found out what Barney became, but never had he expected fear.
But no time for emotions! They have a war to fight, so that's what Barney focuses on. He refuses to bring up anything as they work towards their mission, and it's clear to anyone that the air is heavy with unspoken words that neither are willing to say; Gordon tries a few times, though Barney pretends not to notice the hesitant hand motions. So eventually, Gordon gives up.
Barney had done such a good job at avoiding the conversation that they'd managed to save hundreds, maybe thousands of people, before the topic had been breached. But that left an awkward tension around the two, one that made Barney more than slightly nauseous.
'We need to talk.' Gordon had come to Barney's room at white forest one night. It wasn't an offer, it was a statement that they both knew was true. Barney sighs and opens the door wider after a moment of contemplation.
"Yeah, we do." Barney's hand hesitates to touch Gordon's shoulder as he passes, and decides against it. But god, how he craves physical attention from him; but with this conversation, it might just confirm his fear that he might never have it again.
His heart races as he sits on one of the ratty chairs across the equally ratty table from Gordon. Fuck, this is like a role reversal to the first time they met after those 20 years. However, instead of Gordon looking at Barney in fear, it's Barney looking at Gordon in fear. Though, if he searches hard enough, Gordon seems just as terrified.
Barney is frightened to initiate, but the silence is getting to him and wringing his hands together on the table isn't working, so he decides to start small.
"How, uh. How're you doin', doc?" Barney attempts to make eye contact, but the piercing green is too much. He chooses instead focuses on the chipped grain on the table, only looking up slightly to see Gordon's hands.
'Better.' Gordon signs after a moment of thought.
"That's good." Fuck! Why was this so hard?
'What have you been up to these past 20 years?' Barney stares intently at the hands, and a ping of guilt wracks his body as he can't keep up with how fast he's signing. I guess years without practice will do that to you. Thankfully (or not), he's able to make out enough to understand what Gordon is asking.
"Ehh, y'know." Barney avoids the question as he leans back a bit, scratching his neck, just to do something with his hands.
'I don't.'
Barney swallows and leans on the table again, using his elbows as support.
"Just... Civil Protection stuff." He forces a laugh. "Bit unfortunate naming, don'cha think? Given the acronym is CP, like uhh, yeah. Sorry." Barney attempts a joke, but stops when he looks up to see that Gordon isn't reacting. He'd always been hard to read, but Barney had gotten pretty good at it. But just like with sign, he seems to have gotten rusty, and it breaks his heart that he would let himself forget those subtle details he loves so much.
'Are you okay?' Barney looks a bit surprised at the question, and his immediate response is to brush off whatever concerns Gordon might have. But, they're here to talk. To be honest. He sighs and leans forward, staring at his hands as they grab each other for support.
"If I'm bein’ honest? I don't think I've been okay for a long while. It's uhh, it's been hard without you." Stupid! You shared too much. "But I've been gettin' through it. I mean, hey, I'm still alive, ain't I? Even if I don't look it with all these gray hairs." Barney points to his rustled hair with a huff. "Bit different than you last seen me." He tries his best at a convincing smile, but it comes off rigid.
'I think it looks good.' Gordon signs with a small smile, and fuck, if it isn't still the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen. Barney finds himself staring and swiftly tilts his head down a bit in shame.
"Aw gee, Gordon. You don't gotta go sayin' stuff like that to me."
'But I want to.' Dammit, if Gordon keeps this up, Barney doesn't think he'll be able to keep down the waterworks. Despite himself, Barney smiles sheepishly.
"I uh, I appreciate it. You... You look good, too." Barney prays to no one that he hadn't overstepped.
'I haven't changed.' Gordon signs with a frown.
"I know. I'm sorry I have." Barney meets him with a sad smile.
'Don't apologize.' Barney opens his mouth to argue, but closes it again. He should be sorry. He should be sorry that the destroyed the man Gordon loved, ruined the kind soul he used to be. That he created a monster both inside and out. But he can't tell Gordon that. Not yet.
"What was it like?" Barney hesitantly asks after a moment of silence. Gordon looks confused, so he elaborates.
"Those 20 years. What happened?" Gordon lifts his hands, but he doesn't sign anything, staring at the grain as he thinks of what to say.
'It was like I was sleeping, but I didn't have any dreams. It was... odd. I don't know how else to explain it, sorry.' Barney feels his throat tighten slightly as he tries his best to keep up, but inevitably fails. Barney runs his hand through his hair and lets out a nervous laugh.
"It's been a bit since I've seen sign, I'm a bit rusty. Could'ja slow down a bit?" He burns red with shame as he asks, deeply embarrassed with himself.
Gordon nods and repeats himself, slower this time, and it's just like when Barney was first learning. Hell, it's like they're introducing themselves again, but Barney already knows everything about Gordon. Knew everything about Gordon.
Barney is brought out of his thoughts when Gordon pokes his arm, and he realizes he must have been staring into space based on the other's worried expression.
'Are you okay? You look lost.' Barney puts his head in his hands and groans.
"I've changed a lot, doc. More than just physically. I'm not..." Barney looks up to see Gordon's still concerned expression. "I ain't a good person, Gordon. I'm not the Barney Calhoun you knew from Black Mesa, and I sure as hell ain't someone worth your sympathy." He snaps slightly and bites his lip, looking away and chastising himself for the audible anger in his voice. Not at Gordon, god, no; at himself. But maybe it's better to drive Gordon away from the energy trap Barney has become.
'You wouldn't be saying that if you weren't a good person.' Barney glares at Gordon. What does he know?
"It's the honest truth, doc. I've killed and beat so many people, most of them completely innocent! I've gone to bed with their blood still on me! I've watched the life leave so many people's eyes, and did nothing." Barney's voice breaks at the end as tears finally give way.
Gordon thinks for a moment, face completely blank, and Barney is just thankful that it's over. That Gordon can leave him alone, only offering disgusted glances his way in passing if he's lucky enough. That Barney can finally try to move on, even though he knows he never fully will.
'I don't care.' Gordon signs eventually.
Barney furrows his brow in frustration and sputters a response.
"The hell do you mean 'you don't care'? You should!"
'I said I don't care, and I mean it, Barney. I don't care that you killed people; I have, too. I don't care that you've beaten people up, I don't care that they were innocent, and I don't care that you went to bed covered in the blood you were too devastated to wash off. I care that you do care, because that means that you feel guilt. It means you didn't want to do it, but you had to, because if you didn't, a lot more people would have died. I would have died. If you didn't gain their trust, you wouldn't have been there to stop me from getting on that train. I would have been dead before I even started.'
Barney watches him with wide eyes as Gordon slowly signs, speeding up with emotion at some points before catching himself and slowing down again. When he finishes, Gordon's expression radiates passion, and Barney stares in awe at the man, before frustration takes over again. Why wasn't Gordon understanding?
"But I destroyed families!"
'But you didn't want to!'
"So many are dead at my hand!"
'I have done the same!'
"But you had to, or you would have died!"
"So did you!" Gordon's voice booms as he launches up from his chair, and it's only until Barney is gawking up at him like he has three heads that he notices tears are streaming down Gordon's face.
'What you've told me changes nothing about how I feel about you, and I understand if you have moved on, but to me, it's only been a week since we last met up for-' Gordon is cut off by Barney launching out of his chair and pulling Gordon down for a desperate kiss that tastes like salt from their combined tears. On the surface, the kiss is nothing special, but for Barney, it's an oasis in hell.
When they break away, they're both panting, and they wait only seconds before diving back in. Gordon's lips are a piece of heaven Barney never wants to fall from again, and Gordon seems to understand this as he climbs over the table instead of breaking away to walk around. Gordon sits on the edge of the table and leans down at an uncomfortable angle to attempt to keep up with Barney's pace.
"I... I thought... you were dead... and that... I'd never... see you again..." Barney manages to mutter in between kisses and sobs as he wraps his arms around Gordon, having pressed himself between his legs, trying to get as much contact as physically possible.
'I know.' Gordon spells into Barney's back.
"When... I saw those... soldiers..."
'It's okay.'
"Fuck, Gordon... I missed... you so much..." Barney finally stops his kissing and instead rests his head against Gordon's chest as he sobs.
"I'm here now." Gordon whispers into his hair, the rumble of his chest against his head doing more to calm him than any drug or alcohol could ever do.
'I love you.' Barney signs into Gordon's back, and he instantly feels Gordon's posture stiffen at the action, earning a small chuckle from Barney followed by a sniffle as he looks up at Gordon.
"Still got it, ay, doc?" He says, grinning up at the blushing scientist looking down at him, gently wiping Barney's tears before leaning down and breathing softly against his ear.
"I wonder if I do, too." Gordon speaks in a hushed tone against his ear, receiving a shudder from the other. "Hmm, guess so. I assumed I would need to up my game after all these years, but it seems you're just as easy." Barney hides his face in Gordon's shoulder and grips his thighs as he lets out a quiet whine.
"You're gonna make me act up, doc."
'I know. I want you to.' Barney lets out a shaky breath as his hands travel up Gordon's shirt, enjoying the shiver he gets in response, along with the hands exploring down the back of the neck of his shirt.
"Can I see you? Please?" Barney nearly begs, and Gordon seems to recognize the urgency in his voice, because he takes it upon himself to quickly lift his shirt over his head, and it's all Barney can do to stare before diving in and covering him in slow kisses. Gordon lets out a groan as he lets his head fall back, one of his hands drifting towards Barney's hair and giving him gentle pets, which he seems to greatly enjoy. The kisses eventually cease and Barney instead rests his head against his chest as he weakly bucks into Gordon's crotch with a groan.
"Shit, Gordon. It's been so long... I haven't... I ain't..." Barney tries to share the fact that he's been loyal all these years, but gets distracted as he continues to grind his dick against Gordon's. He stops and looks up once Gordon taps on his shoulder to get his attention.
'Bed?' Gordon signs, his face flushed with the same red as Barney, who nods impatiently, already walking towards their destination. Barney lies on the bed and Gordon quickly crawls on top of him, pulling him into another passionate kiss as his hands pull Barney's shirt over his head. After that article of clothing is removed, they swiftly move on to the pants, and Barney helps by lifting his hips, only breaking away from their kiss to look down when he feels Gordon cup his bulge in his boxers.
"Fuck..." Barney lets out an embarrassing whine as he grinds into the hand, and Gordon takes a moment to appreciate how beautiful his lover looks. Like fine wine he thinks as he watches his face contort with wrinkles.
"Gordon... Please..." Barney begs after Gordon stares for too long.
'Top or bottom?' Barney blushes at the straightforwardness of the question, but responds nonetheless.
"I don't think I can keep up with ya. It might be best if you take charge. Just, uhh. Be careful. It's been a while." Gordon nods and looks around for anything to make the process easier, and finds a balm of some kind on Barney's bedside table. He opens it and lubes up a few of his fingers, as Barney hastily removes his boxers and waits for the other. Gordon repositions himself to have Barney's legs sitting over his thighs, before bringing his hand down to Barney's hole and making eye contact with the open-mouthed, panting man under him as he slowly inserts one of his fingers, producing a soft grunt from the shorter.
Gordon takes his time, slowly pumping his pointer in and out of his lover, admiring the subtle sounds and faces he makes in response to his movement.
"You can... You can add another." Barney states, his face red with embarrassment at the request, though that's quickly forgotten as his wish is fulfilled and he leans his head into the pillow below him with closed eyes.
"Shit, Gordon~" Gordon chuckles at how sensitive Barney is, but also burns with pride at the fact he's able to make him act this way. Using his effect to his full advantage, Gordon slowly starts scissoring his fingers, taking in any and all reactions with bated breath. And fuck, if it isn't doing something for Gordon. The scientist spots Barney's hand reaching for his own cock, and quickly bats it away, relishing the whine he hears in response.
'Only me.' He signs before returning his hand around Barney's wrist.
"Yeah, okay." Barney agrees, breathlessly, letting his arm go lax in Gordon's grip, allowing it to be pinned to the bed as Gordon continues to patiently work him open. Patient is something Gordon is, but Barney can't say the same about himself as he tries to grind against the fingers in his ass, his face again burning with humiliation.
God, he's pathetic. Gordon should just leave him here. Decide Barney is ugly and gross, and spit on him as he marches out of the room. Hell, Barney would probably thank him for it, given how much Barney has been beat down and made a slave to those around him.
Barney doesn't realize he's crying until Gordon removes his fingers and frantically signs, asking if he did something wrong. All Barney can do is pull him into another kiss, this one much softer than the others, really taking the time to re-familiarise himself with all the nooks and crannies of Gordon's mouth. He smiles softly as his tongue grazes an old filling he'd forgotten about.
"No, you never do anything wrong. You're perfect." Barney responds after reluctantly separating. His smile fades as his eyes land on Gordon's, and he's once again struck with unbelievable guilt as the man looks at him with those same loving eyes from 20 years ago. The eyes that promised he was worth something he knew he wasn't.
"I'm not... I'm not good enough..." Barney's face starts to twist as tears begin their trek down his cheeks. "I don't deserve you, and I know it, yet I'm too damn selfish to let you go again!" Barney sobs as he holds Gordon tight, Gordon eagerly returning the embrace, while his eyebrows furrow in frustration at those who made him feel this way. Barney eventually pulls away and wipes his tears, forcing a sad chuckle as he sniffles.
"Shit, look at me ruinin' the mood. I'm sorry, Gordon; you didn't come here to listen to me bitch and moan." Gordon shakes his head and signs a response as he looks Barney in his eyes.
'I came here to talk and listen.' Barney's fixes his gaze on Gordon, and quickly looks away, clearly guilty and uncomfortable.
"Gee, Doc. I... I can't have you lookin' at me like I'm worth somethin' I know damn well I'm not." Barney attempts to hide the bitterness in his tone, but fails and once again chastises himself for his misdirected anger.
'Is that really how you feel?' Gordon asks, hesitantly. He can't help his face from twisting in sorrow as Barney nods with equal hesitance. Gordon is quick to embrace him again, and Barney can't bring himself to stop the tears from flowing again.
"You mean so much to me, Barney. I care about you so much it hurts. I love you more than words could ever describe, and nothing will ever change that. I... I want to show you just how much I care. Can I?" Gordon mumbles into Barney's ear, once again melting his brain into a pleasant mush as he swallows and nods. Gordon's hand returns to Barney's ass and slowly inserts his two fingers back inside, causing Barney to let out a soft groan as he tightens his arms around Gordon's torso.
"I lied about those 20 years." Gordon admits after a while, and carefully adds another finger as he continues to speak softly.
"I did dream. I don't remember most of them, but I know a lot of them were about you. Even though I was with you in my dreams, I still missed you so much. You were never really there, no matter how tight I held you." Barney moans into Gordon's ear as he works him open, and at one point he starts nipping at Barney's neck with soft bites and kisses. Barney can't help but feel happy that Gordon missed him, too, but he quickly berates himself for the selfish thought. Of course, he didn't want Gordon to be sad, but that doesn't stop a part of him from feeling a sense of relief that he was able to make Gordon feel that way.
"But I have you, now. And I'm never letting you go." Gordon accentuates his point by biting hard at Barney's neck, and thrusting his fingers deeper, hitting a spot that makes Barney jolt and release an embarrassing sound.
"Fuck! Doc!" Barney is fast to cover his mouth with one of his hands, attempting to muffle the sounds being ripped out of him as Gordon continues his movements.
"You're so beautiful, Barn. Shit, when I first saw you take off that helmet, I wanted to kiss that adorable little smirk off your face." Despite his hand, it doesn't do much to muffle the moan the words draw out of Barney. Beautiful? Gordon thinks he's beautiful? That... That doesn't make sense.
"That's... That's not- Ngh! True." Barney manages to mutter.
"It is. You're absolutely gorgeous, Barney. I'm just sad I didn't get to see the transformation of such a stunning man. Your grey hairs are like stars in your sea of black. Your wrinkles and scars tell a story of bravery and loss. And your words... Fuck, they tell so many lies that have been said to you over the years, and they pain me in a way that makes me want to hurt those who hurt you. I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long, and have left you to deal with the aftermath of my stupid mistake." Barney mumbles something in response, to which Gordon asks him to repeat.
"It wasn't your fault. You- Hah~ You tell me that the words I s-say are lies, but you didn't do anything- anything wrong that day. With or- Shit. With or without you, the result would have been the same. We would still be in the shithole we are today." Gordon hides his face in Barney's neck for a moment before speaking again.
"I guess we both need to learn to stop putting ourselves down." Barney lets out a huff of amusement.
"I guess so." Gordon pulls away after a few more seconds, and is quick to pull his pants and boxers down just enough to release his dick, which he lubes up with the balm. Barney stares with lidded eyes, nervousness and excitement creating an intoxicating cocktail in his stomach. When Gordon lines up and slowly starts pushing in, Barney closes his eyes and leans his head back, fully taking in all the physical sensations Gordon is giving him.
Gordon takes a moment to reorient himself once he's fully sheathed, and glides his hands along Barney's body, taking in each and every scar and sunspot. His attention lingers on one in particular, placed directly above his right pec. The white flesh of the scarred Combine insignia stands out against his tanned skin, and Barney moves his hand to cover it, but Gordon shakes his head and removes the hand so he can lean down and make marks over it. He sucks hard hickies over the scar, and even though Barney can't feel it as potently as he would elsewhere, the sentiment of Gordon claiming back what was his is not lost on Barney, who whines at the attention.
Gordon gives a small, experimental thrust as he pulls away, quickly signing praise about how beautiful Barney looks; said resistance leader looks up with lidded eyes and an open mouth, grinding back down against Gordon with a groan and an outreached hand to grab the other's. When Gordon entwines their fingers, Barney brings the hand to his mouth where he peppers it with kisses, taking his time to go over each knuckle with care as Gordon continues to give gentle thrusts. Though, those start to pick up as Barney's warm breath ghosting against his skin starts affecting him more than he'd like to admit.
"Shit, Doc..." Barney mumbles into the hand against his mouth, opening wider when said hand starts to press into his mouth. He closes his eyes and focuses on the salty flavour of Gordon's fingers as they drag over his tongue and soon teeth. Just as Barney took his time with his hand, Gordon focuses intently on each and every texture inside his mouth, taking notes on chipped teeth or scarred cheeks from biting.
When Barney squints his eyes up at Gordon and opens his mouth wide for him to see, the scientist can't help the noise of arousal the expression leaches from him. It's at that moment he realizes he isn't going to last much longer, and is quick to move his hand from Barney's mouth to his dick, pulling an excellent sound from the other.
He shows no mercy when both fucking into and jacking off Barney, and he seems to be very quickly nearing his limit if his noises and shaking is anything to go by.
"God, Gordon. I... I don't think I'm..." Gordon nods rapidly to share that he too is about to cum. Sensing the moment, Gordon starts to pull out so he doesn't cause a mess, but Barney keeps him locked in place with his legs. "In, in, in. Please, in." Gordon can't find it in himself to deny his request, and returns with double the vigour when he spills inside. Barney is quick to follow, and they soon both lay panting on the bed.
Eventually, Gordon pulls out and falls to the side, still holding Barney in his arms. With a soft smile, Gordon looks down at Barney, who fiddles with the hair on Gordon's chest with a look of self-doubt.
'What's wrong?' Gordon signs after getting his attention. Barney groans and pulls Gordon in tighter, hiding his face in his chest.
"It's nothin'."
'Clearly.' he writes the word on Barney's back, getting a soft chuckle out of the other.
"It's just... Did ya really mean all that stuff? I just... It's kinda hard to believe that you really... don't care." Barney states after Gordon rolls onto his back, and Barney rests his head on his chest.
'You know I don't say things just for the hell of it.' Barney nods.
"I'm gettin' tired, doc."
'Me too.'
They lay in silence for a minute or so, until Gordon very softly starts telling Barney about his day.
He doesn't care that it's the most boring day ever, most of it being sitting around and resting to regain his strength. He could be talking about how he murdered a family of four, and Barney still wouldn't care. What matters is that it's normal. It's familiar. It's safe.
And that's something Barney hasn't felt in a long time. That feeling of warmth follows him into his dreams as the soft rumble of Gordon's voice lulls him to sleep.
big_boy46 Sun 28 Dec 2025 09:42AM UTC
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