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If someone were to ask Cherri Bomb how she felt about being able to send letters to Sir Pentious up in heaven, via angelic courier, her first response would be, ‘What are you? A cop?’
But truthfully, she had to admit that she did like being able to talk to him. However, it wasn’t the 1800s anymore, and sending letters was tedious, especially when she had to wait for Emily to deliver them. She wanted to see Penn herself. And kiss punch his dumb face.
They’d asked, repeatedly, for Pentious to be allowed to accompany Emily to hell. The angels insisted that winners couldn’t leave heaven, just as sinners couldn’t leave hell, and Penn did confirm that he’d tried to escape and been magically denied.
Then again, Vox had been pretty sure he could make it up to heaven to take over, so maybe that asshole knew something she didn’t.
Step one was getting into Vee tower to ask. That was actually incredibly easy, and no, she didn’t even have to blow something up! She just swiped Baxter’s key card while he was busy making goo-goo eyes at Niffty, and for some truly idiotic reason, he still had full access to the tower. Ridiculous, but don’t look a gift whore in the mouth, and all that.
Cherri strolled through Vee tower like she belonged there. She ducked around a girl with her nose buried in a clipboard, and at a hallway junction encountered a girl pushing a rack full of clothes. The thing was overloaded, and swayed precariously with the weight of fur coats and some sort of leather body suit in eight different shades of red. Cherri steadied the front of it and added her strength to pushing the rack down the hall. The girl didn’t question her.
She peeled off when they got closer to Velvette’s department, and swiped the girl’s access badge from her back pocket, just in case.
It was a good thing, as Baxter’s card didn’t have access to the higher floors in the lift, but the girl’s did. Cherri just picked one of the top floors and hoped for the best.
Outside the lift she found a hallway made up almost entirely of glass, overlooking a massive fish tank. Vox’s prized shark-dog-robot circled idly below her feet. A bucket of dirty water and a squeegee on a stick sat to one side, and Cherri grabbed them. She didn’t see anyone as she made her way nonchalantly to the end of the hallway and through a door marked “filter room.”
The filters for the fish tanks took up a room that Cherri guessed was about twice the size of her room at the hotel. She ducked around tanks and pipes until she found another door on the far side. She pressed her ear against it and listened.
Muffled, but clearly Vox, she heard, “you’re just such a good boy and you did so good for daddy. I’m so proud of you and I know you tried your best.”
Well, that was easy.
Cherri opened the door just enough to poke her head in and locate Vox.
It took a minute, because she was looking for a man.
Eventually she did find him though. What was left of him, which was just his head. His screen was duct taped to the wall of the fish tank and he was cooing at the giant shark.
Cherri wedged her fingers in between one corner of his screen and the glass, and yanked. Vox’s face came loose of the glass with a horrible tearing sound. One of the strips of tape flopped over and covered his right eye.
“What the fuck?” he shouted.
“Listen to me,” Cherri hissed. “Don’t yell for security, or your little buddies, unless you want me to throw you into that tank.”
Vox scoffed. “This head’s waterproof! I made sure of that.”
“Is it still waterproof when your neck is just an empty hole? Besides, even if it is, how long will you sit at the bottom of the tank, face down, before someone finds you? Underwater, no one can hear you scream.”
Vox scowled at her. “Fine. What the fuck do you want?”
“To get into heaven.”
Vox gave her an unimpressed look. “Does this look like a charity hotel to you? Fuck off.”
Cherri shook him a bit. “Not to get redeemed, I want to break in. What was your plan for getting up there?”
Vox looked at her like she was an idiot. “As if I’d tell you.”
Cherri switched Vox to holding with one hand, and pulled out a small bomb in the other. “Well then, if you won’t tell me, I’ll just have to use your big ol’ shark tank to test out these new bombs I’ve been developing. The fuse is totally waterproof.”
“Ooh, I’m so scared,” Vox mocked.
Cherri waved the bomb around, and the giant shark tracked her motions. “Are you hungry?” she cooed at it. “You wanna widdle snacky? It’s kinda spicy!”
Vox’s screen paled. “Wait!”
Cherri waited.
Vox sighed. “Fine. I didn’t actually have a plan, okay? My plan was to intimidate the angels with the weapon and then either they’d bring me up to discuss surrender, or I could make Lucifer make a portal for me, after I drained so much of his power he was helpless against me.”
“That’s it? Fuck, you’re so lame,” Cherri groaned. “Ugh, what is it with old men and being absolutely useless?” she moaned.
She tossed Vox’s head onto his bed like a Frisbee, and let herself out of the tower.
So, Vox’s plan for actually getting himself to heaven involved coercing Lucifer. What a surprise, that he couldn’t even do that for himself.
Cherri was hesitant to ask Lucifer for help. He wasn’t really intimidating anymore, after seeing him walking around in a fluffy bathrobe and quite literally pulling Alastor’s ears like a schoolboy pulling his crush’s pigtails. Even so, she wasn’t sure if he’d be especially interested in helping her break into heaven. It would probably go against Charlie’s vision, or something.
Cherri kicked an empty beer can in front of her as she wandered, dejected. She wasn’t intending to go to Pentious’s old lair, but when the can finally skittered into a sewer drain and she looked up, she was standing in front of the same window she’d shattered last time she’d been there.
She clambered through the broken window into the cavernous warehouse. It’d gotten dusty without the egg boiz keeping it clean. She found a ladder hanging from the ceiling in the centre of the room and made her way up and through the hatch.
The space was ridiculous, and truly the embodiment of Sir Pentious. There were random levers and gears that Cherri wasn’t sure actually did anything, but they looked very steampunky. On one wall was a cork board covered in schematics for some sort of weapon. Around the edges were torn pages and sticky notes with little doodles. Quite a few of them were of the egg boiz, but there were also a handful of her. The older, more faded ones were drawings of her with her tongue out and a jagged red X slashed across her face. One was helpfully labelled ‘dead’ for anyone who wasn’t sure. There were also a few of Alastor, and one of Vox with a speech bubble saying “you win!”
The later ones changed from obvious fantasies of killing her, to one of her admitting he had won, and finally one she almost missed, as it had fallen on the floor. It was more of a sketch than a doodle, and he’d clearly put a bit more effort into it. There was a heart around her in red ink, the only splash of colour in an otherwise monochrome sketch. It was crumpled into a ball. Cherri stuck it in her pocket and continued exploring.
One wall had a massive window overlooking the roof of the warehouse. Something about it niggled at the back of Cherri’s mind, but she kept poking around.
She found the sleeping quarters. That was really all it could be called, as a bedroom would be far too generous of a description. The bed was neatly made with military precision, especially impressive, considering it was round.
Cherri wandered around the space, but it was actually fairly empty. Back out in the main room, she stared at the window again.
Finally, it hit her. The window looked just like the front of the airship Penn had been flying when he’d gone and gotten himself vaporised. And redeemed, that was important too, but she was still mad. This must have been an earlier version, and he’d parked it half inside- half on top of the warehouse to use as a permanent base.
A second airship! Cherri grinned as she slid down the ladder and took off running towards the hotel.
The single remaining egg boi, Frank, tended to toddle around the hotel rather aimlessly. He spent a lot of his time sitting and staring longingly at the portrait of Sir Pentious.
“Hey. Wanna do something fun?” Cherri asked him.
“Oh boy!” he warbled, getting to his feet.
She ended up carrying him on her shoulders like a horrible toddler, because his little legs couldn’t keep up and she wanted to get back to the old airship now!
Once inside, Frank wandered around, looking sad.
“Do you know how to fly this thing?” Cherri asked.
“Oh. Boss used to fly it mostly,” Frank said forlornly. “But before we got the warehouse, he’d have us fly it while he slept. The only problem is we always had to stand on top of each other to see out the window.”
“Show me how to do it!” Cherri demanded.
The old ship groaned as it shook free of its moorings, but amazingly, it took to the sky. Cherri pointed through the giant front window at the light of heaven in the distance. “That’s where we’re headed.”
Climbing to heaven in the airship was shockingly easy, and Cherri wondered why nobody had ever attempted it before. She was able to float right up to the entrance, where she was certain there should have been pearly gates. She hopped down onto a dubiously solid cloud, and sent Frank to take the airship back down below the cloud line and wait out of sight.
She approached the looming podium. There was a small tent card propped up on it.
Gone to see a Christmas Rom-Com, back by 3. New arrivals please wait here. -Saint Peter
Cherri snorted. Yeah right. There was a frame of what should definitely have been pearly gates, but it was wide open, so Cherri let herself in. She saw the missing gates off to the side, twisted and mangled, almost as if they’d been blown open by a giant laser.
Heaven was bustling. Winners of all forms made their way from place to place, carrying shopping bags and ice cream cones. Others lounged around fountains and waved to each other from picturesque balconies. It was all rather nauseating. But more importantly, it was all pastel.
Cherri ducked into the first shop she saw and grabbed the first thing that looked like it would fit her. It ended up being a ridiculous looking robe that was a size too big, but that just meant she could pull it on over her real clothes, which was honestly preferable.
Back out on the street, she faced a new problem. How did one find one single snake demon winner in a sea of all these people?
Cherri walked down the main street, wondering if it was paved with real gold like the stories, or if it was just paint. She kept her eye peeled for Emily, who would definitely recognise her even with her frumpy disguise. Pentious had mentioned in one of his letters that he was staying in some sort of high rise apartment building. A way-post helpfully pointed her in the direction of the residential area, so she set off in that direction.
She made it to the first block of apartments and let herself in. Heaven was apparently unconcerned about security once you got inside. She managed to find a directory, but didn’t see Pentious on the list. The next building yielded a similar lack of results.
As she stepped back outside, a loud whoosh pulled her attention skyward. A hot air balloon was drifting by, perilously close to the roofs of the apartments. As it passed overhead and continued down the street, Cherri realised that it wasn’t just a massive white balloon. It bumped gently against a building and rotated in place, and slowly, the massive face of an egg boi came into view, grinning down at her.
Cherri gasped, and took off running, racing under the balloon and ahead by a couple of apartments, dashing up the stairs and bursting out onto the roof. As the balloon passed by, she took a running leap and tumbled head over heels into the basket.
“Ah! En garde!” came a familiarly distressed voice from above her.
Cherri grinned up as Sir Pentious curled around to look at her. “I don’t think I can scramble this egg.”
Pentious blinked down at her, mouth agape. “You- what- how?”
Cherri took the hand he offered and let him pull her to her feet. “Letters take too long,” she complained.
Penn studied her, with both hands on her shoulders. Then he realised he was touching her and almost tipped himself backwards out of the basket in his haste to release his grip.
“Are you… redeemed?” he asked hesitantly.
“Pff. Nah, we both know that’s unlikely. I snuck in.”
Penn grinned at her. “I can’t believe you’re here!”
“I can’t believe you’ve got a fuckin’ hot air balloon!” Cherri replied.
Pentious rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t allowed to have a dirigible, because Sera said it was,” Pentious did massive air quotes, “‘ominous and off-putting to look at,’ but Emily convinced her to let me have a hot air balloon because that,” more air quotes, “‘sparks joy.’”
Cherri snickered. “Well, at least you have something.”
Pentious pulled a lever and a burst of flame whooshed into the balloon, lifting it above the roofs. Cherri leaned against the edge of the basket, and after a moment, Pentious joined her.
“I will admit, heaven is kinda pretty,” Cherri said.
Penn nodded. “Not as pretty as you,” he replied.
Cherri flushed. “You-you can’t just say things like that!”
Penn took her hand, lifting it to his lips in a gentle kiss. “That you’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on? That some of the happiest days of my existence in hell were when you were beating me up? Especially when you got physical?” Penn said, his face turning sly.
Cherri was sure her face was redder than Alastor’s shitty coat. “Shut up.”
“Make me,” Penn taunted.
Well, if that wasn’t a perfect invitation. She grabbed the edge of his hood — not as satisfying as grabbing a fistful of someone’s hair, but what can you do? —and dragged him in for a kiss.
Honestly, now that they were both participating in the kiss, and not him just grabbing her before going to get himself killed, she discovered that Pentious kind of sucked at kissing. One of his fangs nicked her lip, and it was a good thing she was into a little pain. With some gentle guidance — and one less gentle physically moving his head into a better position — he started getting better. His forked tongue danced against her lips, and oh, she could think of some excellent places that tongue could go.
She was considering pushing him down on the floor of the balloon basket and finding out how long his tongue was, when the basket bumped into the side of a building and knocked both of them to their knees. Or rather, Cherri to her knees and Pentious had to grab the side of the basket to not end up flat on the floor. Cherri rubbed her forehead where their heads had collided, and they both got back up.
“Ah! How fortuitous!” Penn exclaimed. “That’s my balcony, right over there!”
He flung a rope with a magnet on the end at his balcony, and on the second try, it caught, and he was able to drag them over. His apartment was on the top floor, and after they both climbed out of the basket, he left the balloon hovering from its rope tether.
“Ain’t ya worried it’ll catch fire?” Cherri asked as Penn opened the balcony door and waved her inside.
“Oh, no, we’re in heaven, things like that don’t happen!” Pentious assured her.
The moment she stepped foot inside, Cherri was accosted by a gaggle of golden, flying, eggs. They bounced around her, chirping, “egg, egg, egg!”
Pentious sighed, rubbing the back of his neck underneath his hood. “Emily made them for me. They aren’t the same, but it was very sweet of her, and they’re at least pleasant to cuddle with at night. I mean! They’ll make adequate cannon fodder when I build a new death machine!”
Cherri swatted them away, and Pentious herded them into the bathroom and shut the door. They thumped against it, still squawking.
“Ssssooo,” Pentious muttered.
“Well, whattaya do for fun around here?” Cherri asked.
“Ah! Well, there’s a unicorn polo stadium, but it’s not very interesting. There’s a multiplex but it mostly just shows Christmas rom-coms. I’ve been asking Emily if we can perhaps get some war films, or even a documentary! But apparently everyone else likes watching two people fall in love in absurd ways over the span of two days.”
Cherri shrugged. “I can appreciate a rom-com every now n’ then. What else?”
“There are quite a few shops that sell sweets, and an ice cream parlour on almost every corner. I saw a place that did a paint and sip, and I remembered those from hell, so I thought it would be fun, but they give you a paint by number kit and get upset if you don’t follow the lines, and there’s not even alcohol! It’s tea!”
“Aren’t Brits s’pposed to like tea?” Cherri asked.
“Well yes, but not when I want to get drunk! Besides, it was some fruity herbal thing, not a proper cuppa.”
Cherri snorted. “No fruity tea, got it.”
“Hmm, there’s a petting zoo,” Pentious continued.
“That actually sounds pretty nice,” Cherri admitted.
“Would you, er, would you like to go on a date with me to the petting zoo?” Pentious asked, blushing gold.
“I certainly would. One thing first. I need a better outfit.”
None of the shops in heaven were big department stores like they had in hell, or on Earth for that matter–not a K-Mart or Big W in sight. Instead they were all fancy little boutiques, the sort of places where the proprietors would’ve sneered down their noses at Cherri when she was alive. Pentious kept the shopkeepers occupied with inane small talk, which apparently everyone in heaven actually enjoyed, while Cherri found some clothes that actually fit her, and then did the same at another store while she grabbed a bunch of makeup.
They retreated back to Pentious’s apartment, and Pentious released the creepy angel eggs from the bathroom so that Cherri could perfect her disguise.
She couldn’t do much about the red of her eye, but she swapped her normal dark liner and shadow for a pastel blue, and drew on some little heart shaped freckles over her real ones. She also gave herself baby blue lipstick, and left a kiss on Penn’s mirror. Finally, she took her hair out of the high ponytail, swapping it out for pigtails.
For her outfit, she’d chosen a similarly light blue top, one with long sleeves that would hide her tattoos, because she wasn’t sure if heaven would be weird about them. She did pick one with a collar that would slide off one shoulder, because she wasn’t going to totally give up her style. She opted for a skirt that was almost prudish by hell’s standards, but would probably be considered a miniskirt in heaven, and comfortable sneakers.
When she exited the bathroom, Pentious stared at her. She blushed, fiddling with the end of one of her pigtails. “Bad?”
“Miss Bomb, you could wear a potato sack and a paper bag and make it the epitome of style. I simply —“ Pentious trailed off, and Cherri followed his gaze down to her exposed legs.
Cherri snickered, heading for the door. “Come on, old man. You owe me a date before you get to find out if I’m wearing undies under this.”
Penn’s face bloomed gold, but he eagerly followed.
None of the winners even batted an eye at her as they made their way to the petting zoo. After a few minutes of walking, Cherri reached over and took Pentious’s hand. He choked on nothing, and gripped her hand back.
On the way, Pentious asked how Cherri had even gotten up to heaven, if not through redemption.
“Oh, I stole your old airship, the one you used as a base. I didn’t even realise that was an airship until I got in there. Kind of a cool setup,” Cherri said, punching Penn’s arm. “Anyway, I made Frank fly it. He’s parked outside the pearly not-gates.”
Penn’s lip wobbled. “Will you tell him I miss him?”
Cherri gave him a soft smile. “‘Course I will.”
In the zoo, a friendly angel explained that all of the animals were happy to be petted, and if you wanted to cuddle with one that was too heavy, there were benches and cushions where someone could sit and have an animal climb into their lap.
The animals were all loose in one big pen, and none of them seemed to care that the others, some of which were predators, were present. A goat headbutted Cherri’s hip, far more gently than any goat she’d ever seen. She scratched its head between nubby little horns. Pentious picked up a massive rabbit and carried it around for a few minutes.
Cherri was in the middle of giving tummy rubs to a raccoon when she Pentious put down the rabbit and reached for another animal. Cherri slapped his hand away. “I don’t care if we are in heaven right now,” she hissed in his ear. “Do not touch that thing.”
Pentious pouted. “But it’s so cute!”
“First of all, no it’s not, and second of all, I don’t care if it is! You do not pick up a fucking Koala!”
Pentious huffed, but picked up a snake instead. It curled around his arm, and Cherri felt her eye twitch, but considering Penn was also a snake, she let it slide.
A pair of winners ran past, chasing the rabbit Penn had been carrying. Despite the angel at the entrance assuring them that everything here wanted to be petted, Cherri thought the rabbit looked like it wanted nothing more than to hide.
“Fuck, leave the thing alone,” she muttered under her breath. “There’s like fifty animals here, can’t those cunts pick a different one?”
A loud buzzer sounded, and Pentious hissed, “shiiit!”
“What? What’s happening?”
A shimmering blue portal opened, and Emily fluttered through. She zeroed in on Penn and hurried over.
“Penny! Buddy!” she said, all smiles. “Are you the one who said the bad word? You know you can’t do that here.”
Pentious laughed awkwardly. “Ah, yes, that was definitely me.”
“Oh!” Emily caught sight of Cherri. “Are you new? I don’t think we’ve met, and that’s funny, because I meet all the new winners and make sure they’re happy here! I’m Emily!” She held out her hand to shake.
Cherri took it, cautiously, and Emily shook it enthusiastically. “We should get you properly signed in. I’m surprised Pete didn’t tell me you were here. Are you a friend of Sir Pentious?” Emily blabbered a mile a minute. She herded Penn and Cherri towards the exit. “Oh, but that’s weird, because Penn died a long time ago, so how would one of his friends just now be getting here?”
They left the petting zoo, and Emily caught sight of a pair of blonde angels walking down the street, hand in hand. “Saint Peter!” she shouted, loud enough that Penn winced.
The twinky one looked up. He waved, and Emily insistently gestured for him to join them.
“Sir Pentious has a new friend!” Emily cooed. “But also, I didn’t know she was here,” she continued, looking sad.
Peter rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “I uh, well, Abel and I were on a date, so I left a sign at the gates for new arrivals to wait until I got back. It’s never been an issue before.”
Emily frowned. “You have to be careful leaving your post, especially until we can fix the gates. That’s okay though, we can all go back to the gates and get you properly checked in, let’s go!”
She herded all four of them down the street. Penn took Cherri’s hand and gripped it tightly.
“Well, it was fun while it lasted,” Cherri muttered to him.
At the gates, Saint Peter climbed up to his podium and tucked the tent card underneath the desk, replacing it with a massive book. He cleared his throat and adjusted his shirt. “Right. Welcome to heaven! Can I get your name?”
“Uh, Cherri.”
Peter flipped through the pages. “Last name?”
“Bomb?” Cherri squeaked.
“Hmm,” Peter hummed, running a finger down the page.
“I’m so sorry, Miss, um, Bomb, but I don’t see your name on the list!”
Penn squeezed her hand, and she squeezed it back.
“Wait a minute!” Emily said. “Cherri Bomb? As in, Sir Pentious’s girlfriend Cherri Bomb? DIDYOUGETREDEEMED?” she shouted.
“Ah ha ha, nah, this place is lame. Gotta go, suckers!” Cherri shouted, as she gave Penn’s hand one last squeeze, then dove off the edge of the cloud, hoping Frank had left the airship in the right spot.
Her luck held, and he had. She slid down the top of it and found a little hatch where the front window ended. As she dropped down inside, she shouted, “Frank! Punch it.”
“Okay!” came a warbling cry, and the ship accelerated so quickly, and so steeply downwards, that Cherri was thrown all the way to the back wall. Frank gripped the steering levers, stretching his little arms as far as he could to reach both of them.
Frank didn’t do a very good job of parking the ship back in the warehouse, but it was at least at the warehouse, so Cherri considered it a win. She walked the little egg back to the hotel, took off her winner disguise and tucked the skirt away to wear for Penn again later, and waited for the chaos.
Vaggi was the one who knocked on her door. She heaved a deep sigh. “What did you do?”
Cherri shrugged. “Took one of Penn’s old blimps for a joyride. Went to go see him. If heaven didn’t want me there, they should have better security.”
Vaggi pinched the bridge of her nose. “Look, Charlie’s trying to work out a way for you and Sir Pentious to actually be able to see each other again, just… don’t break into heaven again. Please?”
Cherri shrugged again. “No promises!” she said, and shut the door in Vaggi’s face.
The compromise Emily and Charlie came up with was to use the heavenly embassy. Pentious was given access to the matching tower up in heaven, and Cherri received an access badge for the one in hell. Swipe card access was required to exit as well, and they recruited Baxter to program it so that the two lovers couldn’t exit on the wrong side. After much complaining, threatening, and begging, Sera also approved Penn and Cherri to have cell phones that could span the distance between heaven and hell.
They set a date for their first meeting in the embassy, and Cherri wore the skirt she’d gotten with heaven, along with a more hell-appropriate outfit for the rest. True to her teasing from in heaven, she opted to not wear undies.
Pentious gave her a chaste kiss. “Sera says that,” he straightened up and puffed out his chest, “‘these are not conjugal visits,’ and I am supposed to remain pure as the heavens above.”
Cherri gave him an unimpressed look. “So we can see each other but we can’t fuck.”
“It does seem that way.”
“Ugh, heaven is lame,” Cherri moaned. “Oh, I didn’t get to ask when I was up there, what was up with that alarm?”
“Ah, the content filter. Heaven doesn’t like naughty words.”
“I know for a fact that I said ‘fuck’ and it didn’t go off.”
“Yes, it’s a very flawed system.” Pentious lowered his voice, despite being the only two in the building. “I suspect it was designed by an American.”
Cherri snorted. “Are there cameras in here?”
“I’m not sure, but I suspect so.”
“Right.” Cherri led Penn over to a sofa. There was a television — not VoxTek, she noticed — and a pile of Christmas RomCom DVDs. Cherri grabbed the first one on the stack and turned it on, then pushed Penn onto the sofa and sat right next to him. “Let’s see how strict Sera’s definition of ‘conjugal’ is.”
Penn blushed. “What do you mean?”
Cherri took his hand, guiding it under the edge of her skirt. “I mean that I bet that old fuddy-duddy only thinks of sex as missionary in the dark.”
Penn’s eyes widened, and his hand slowly slid up her thigh. “I see.”
“You wanna be the reason heaven has to make new rules?”
Penn squeezed her thigh. “Miss Bomb, it would be my honour!”
~fin