Work Text:
“Lassie, would you get away from there?” Shawn asked, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.
“No, Shawn! I told you, I am not going to let this go until I’ve solved it,” Lassie replied, his eyes glued in position, not looking around even as Shawn started to move towards him.
“And I already told you, it’s not a big deal,” Shawn said. “We’ll just put it in the back garden where they can’t see it. Come on, Lassie, you’re the one who insisted we had to unpack more boxes today.”
Lassie nodded, but he still didn’t turn around. “And we will, darling, but we can do that after I have figured out which meddling little piece of scum I need to take down.”
Shawn sighed, placing a hand on Lassie’s shoulder. “It’s not that important. And we’ve lived here for exactly six days and three hours. I don’t think making enemies out of half the street is a good idea. Just forget it.”
There was a brief moment where Lassie continued peering out of the window, his eyes scouring the surrounding area for clues. Shawn grimaced, knowing that Lassie was putting together all the pieces in his head.
“You already know who it is!” Lassie shouted, and now he really did turn around, letting the shade fall back into place to conceal the small sliver of window that he had been looking through during his search.
Now he was pointing a finger accusingly at Shawn, who backed away slowly, lifting his hands in a placating gesture. “Come on, Lassiebunny, don’t be like that.”
“Who is it? Which horrible piece of vermin complained to the Homeowners Association about us?!”
Shawn shook his head again. “I told you, Lassie, sweetheart, it’s just not that important.”
Lassie scowled, his hands on his hips, wearing a glare that Shawn recognised from the interrogation room. He also recognised it from very specific scenarios in the bedroom, but that didn’t seem to be the intent on this particular occasion.
“I swear, Spencer, you tell me right now, or so help me I will start knocking on doors and hauling every single one of our neighbours into the station,” Lassie hissed. His tone had lowered into one that Shawn was very familiar with.
“Detective,” Shawn began, raising an eyebrow meaningfully at Lassie. “Do you really think those threats are going to work on me?”
Lassie huffed, looking away. “No,” he admitted begrudgingly. “But do not think for one second that I am done with you yet, Spencer.”
Shawn laughed. “Well, I’m pleased to hear that, Lassie, or buying this house together was a real mistake.”
He could almost hear Lassie roll his eyes, even as his posture softened slightly. “No, Shawn. It definitely wasn’t a mistake,” Lassie muttered, and Shawn’s heart fluttered in his chest.
“So, given we both spent too many hours of our lives searching to find the perfect place to live in until we’re old and wrinkled and chasing down criminals with our Zimmer frames, can we not make everyone around here hate us?” Shawn suggested.
“No one is going to hate us, Shawn. I’m delightful,” Lassie deadpanned.
“Of course you are, Lassiebear,” Shawn said, nodding supportively.
Lassie narrowed his eyes, and he turned on his heel, marching back over to the window and pulling back the shade dramatically. “Forget it. I don’t need your help to figure this out. I’m Head Detective for a reason, and I’ll have this solved by dinner time.”
“Which dinner time?” Shawn asked. “Because my first dinner is probably only an hour away.”
“Shush,” Lassie said, waving a hand towards him. “I’m concentrating!”
“On annoying more people?”
“On solving the case! We need to show these people that we’re not some kind of pushovers that they can just bully without some serious pushback,” Lassie snarled. He was being ridiculous, but Shawn couldn’t pretend that he didn’t find it adorable.
“Lassie, they know that already. I think the speech you gave about your marksmanship and weapon inventory when the old lady dropped off the basket of muffins has already infiltrated the local gossip network,” Shawn remarked.
“That’s excellent news!” Lassie said happily, chuckling to himself. He was still resolutely fixated on the window and any passersby who showed even the slightest interest in their garden.
Shawn let him keep at it for five more minutes before he had to intervene. Lassie had moved from his spot with the intention of chasing down a ‘suspect’ in the form of an elderly gentleman who had paused to take a breath outside their home.
“It’s not him,” Shawn sighed, running a hand through his hair. “That guy doesn’t care about anything other than keeping himself in good enough shape to babysit his granddaughter. That’s why he walks around the block each day at this time.”
Lassie grumbled, letting his hand fall off the door handle and marching back over to the window. “Doesn’t mean he didn’t do this.”
“He doesn’t even have email!” Shawn pointed out.
“The board didn’t say how they got the complaint, it could have been a written letter,” Lassie said.
“Is that really likely?” Shawn asked.
“No, but it also wasn’t likely that we would end up living next to Cruella de Vil, and here we are.”
Shawn laughed. “Nice reference, Lassiepops. But we can’t hate this woman too much when it is actually against the rules. If you remember on page-,” he stopped himself at the sight of Lassie’s face turning to look at him again.
“Hah! So it’s a woman! And it’s not about the rules,” he snapped.
Shawn raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? You are telling me that you don’t care about rules? Who are you and what have you done with Head Detective Carlton Lassiter?”
Lassie huffed. “It’s a stupid rule.”
“You hated the thing anyway!” Shawn reminded him. “You told me when I bought it that it was the ugliest thing you had seen in your life and you hoped that it would die in a hail of bullets.”
“Yes, and I stand by that.”
“Then why do you care so much? Just put it in the backyard and then everyone is happy,” Shawn suggested again. This was becoming exhausting.
“No! If my boyfriend wants a giant pineapple sculpture on our lawn, then that is what we are going to have. I have not worked this hard for this long just to live somewhere that my stupidly perfect boyfriend can’t have the things that he loves with him. You love the pineapple, so the pineapple stays,” Lassie said firmly.
For a moment, Shawn couldn’t speak. He stood there transfixed, staring at the back of Lassie’s head. That has been incredibly sweet and caring, all of which he loved. But it also made him realise that his distraction techniques were going to need to be much stronger than he thought.
“Lassie,” he tried, but Lassie just kept his gaze focused on the task at hand. He was good at stakeouts for a reason.
“Come on, Lass,” Shawn said again. Still nothing. Finally, he tried the one thing he knew would get his attention.
“Carlton!” he yelled, and as Shawn knew he would, Lassie let go of the shade he had been holding and turned around. “What?!”
Then Lassie’s eyes went wide with shock, and a small yelp escaped him as he clapped a hand over his mouth. “You’re naked,” he said simply, looking Shawn up and down.
“Yep,” Shawn replied happily, knowing that Lassie really didn’t mind.
Lassie swallowed, his eyes looking up and down Shawn’s body, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. Then he gasped, spinning around again and pulling the shades violently closed.
“What if someone saw you?” Lassie asked wildly, looking around. “Anyone passing by might have been able to look in, and that’s not- they don’t get to see you like this.”
Shawn laughed. “Saw me through the tiny fraction of an inch gap you were looking out of? Relax, Lassiecuddles. There’s no way they could have seen.”
“What about that window over there?” Lassie said, pointing somewhere over Shawn’s head.
“Honey, if they climbed all the way up there to peer in, you know what? They’ve earned a peek at my butt,” Shawn said, wiggling it for effect.
Lassie groaned, and Shawn knew he had successfully distracted him. His heart rate had visibly increased and he was pulling at his collar, clearly flustered. Then there was the noticeable bulge in his pants.
“Come on,” Lassie said, grabbing Shawn’s hand and pulling him towards the bedroom. Shawn laughed, playfully slapping Lassie’s backside as he ran ahead of him. He had always known exactly how to distract Lassie.
***
Shawn lay on his back, his breath ragged. He wiped a bead of sweat that was trickling down his forehead, and let out a small moan.
“Wow,” he said after a moment, grinning happily at Lassie next to him. “Are you sure that’s not why they call you the Head Detective?”
Lassie groaned. “Sweetheart, how many more times are you going to make that joke?”
Shawn laughed, running a hand down Lassie’s chest, enjoying toying with the strands of hair in the stern bush there. “Hmm. We might have to test it some more. How about I let you suck me off again in an hour, and we see if I make the same joke then?”
Lassie entwined his fingers with Shawn’s, their hands lying together on top of his chest. “Such a generous offer, darling.”
“I try my best, Lassielovey. It’s not the only offer on the table either,” Shawn said, and he accentuated his point by lifting his hips and moving one finger down to gently play at his own hole. Lassie groaned beside him.
“You’re actually going to kill me, you know that?” Lassie asked.
Shawn threw his head back in a way he knew Lassie loved, exposing his neck to him. Lassie leaned forward, licking and sucking at the soft skin there. Shawn knew it would leave a mark for the next morning, which is exactly what he wanted. Nothing like walking into the station and making sure everyone knew who the Head Detective belonged to.
“Wait!” Lassie suddenly cried, pulling back from Shawn, unlinking their hands and looking at him aghast. “You tricked me!”
Shawn bit his lip, putting on his most innocent expression. “Tricked you? I’m sure I have no idea what you mean, my love.”
Lassie waggled a finger at Shawn, although any threat was somewhat lessened by the fact that he was naked and still had drips of Shawn’s spunk on his chin.
“You distracted me from my case! With all your - I don’t know - all your nakedness!”
Shawn laughed, giving up the pretence. “But it was a good distraction, wasn’t it?”
Lassie pursed his lips, trying and failing to look annoyed. “I will say, there were some… enjoyable moments.”
“Glowing review. Thank you.”
“I’m not here to stroke your ego, Spencer, you get enough of that from everyone else,” Lassie said.
Shawn kissed him quickly on the cheek. “And yet, you still love me.”
“I do, Shawn,” he said gently. “I love you so much.”
They lay beside each other for another moment, their eyes locked. Shawn felt like the luckiest man in the world.
At least until Lassie abruptly leapt up, and started marching determinedly towards their bedroom door.
“Going somewhere?”
Lassie glared back at him, nodding. “Obviously, yes. Since you won’t help me solve this case, I am damned well going to find out who the culprit is and see what they have to say for themselves. They are going to wish that they’d never even heard of pineapples when I’m done with them.”
Shawn considered it for a minute. “Lassie, what’s that even supposed to mean? But again, it’s technically against the rules. Relax.”
Lassie was not going to be persuaded. He already had his holster on, and given he was still not wearing anything else, it wasn’t a bad image.
“No, I will not relax until you get to have that horrible looking thing on our front lawn like you wanted. And that means finding out who is responsible and gently threatening them into withdrawing the complaint,” he said, quickly throwing on his pants.
Shawn sighed. “And if someone else complains?”
“I have a lot of guns. Do you know how much ammunition I own?”
“Yes, Lassie. I know that each week you buy-,” Shawn stopped when he saw Lassie’s face. “That was rhetorical, wasn’t it?”
Lassie nodded. “Yes, but dammit seeing your brain work that stuff out is sexy. But I have a suspect to pursue.”
“It was Carol!” Shawn called, the moment Lassie stepped out of the room. He flopped back onto the pillows, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath as he waited for Lassie’s reaction.
“I knew it!” Lassie yelled, although as Shawn opened his eyes and raised a questioning eyebrow, Lassie’s shoulders dropped and he quietly muttered, “okay, maybe I didn’t.”
“Don’t worry, Lassie. You don’t need to get yourself fired for harassment or police brutality. I think I have a plan.”
Lassie took a step toward the bed, and there was a twinkle in his eye that indicated he was open to whatever mad idea Shawn was about to propose.
“You see, now the board knows about my super cool - but maybe not totally compliant - giant pineapple, we’re kind of stuck. Even if Carol withdraws the complaint, the board is going to make us get rid of it,” Shawn began, and Lassie was starting to look dejected.
“That’s it? Your great plan is just to give up?” Lassie asked.
“No, which you would know if you had heard me out. You know what, Lass? I was thinking about what you said about us not being pushovers. You’re obviously getting to me, because now all I can think about is beating Carol at her own game,” Shawn replied, and he knew the smirk on his face was bordering on comedically villainous.
“Tell me more,” Lassie said, his excitement returning.
Shawn smiled. “The fun thing about having memorised that document is that I know we are only allowed three cats per house. Carol has four.”
Lassie looked away, his eyes dropping. “No, Shawn. She has three. It’s perfectly fine and her and her cats can continue to attack us and take away all of our joy forever.”
“You’re really taking this very personally,” Shawn noted.
“Because you love that stupid, hideous thing! And if I can’t give the man I love something as basic as a damned pineapple sculpture, then what the hell kind of partner am I?” Lassie cried, furiously rubbing at his forehead, his entire body tense.
Shawn stood up off the bed, ignoring that he was still very naked and not at all clean. “Lassie, that pineapple is unbelievably awesome and yes it kind of sucks that we will have to move it. But what I really love about this house isn’t the amazing things I can decorate it with. It’s that I get to live here with you in our own space. Forever.”
Lassie closed the distance between them, his arms wrapping around Shawn tightly as he pressed their lips together. “I really fucking love you,” he murmured.
“I love you too,” Shawn replied. They stayed there for another moment before Shawn remembered what he had wanted to tell Lassie.
“There’s two ginger ones.”
Lassie stepped back, furrowing his brow in confusion. “Two ginger what? This better not be you suggesting another double date. Shawn, I am never doing that again after last time.”
“I swear I didn’t know they were expecting us to do that with them! I didn’t want to see that part of that man either! Nor did I know that they were wanting to include us in their scheme.”
Lassie folded his arms, looking at Shawn in exasperated amusement. “I did enjoy getting to arrest them,” he said fondly to Shawn. “I know you remember that. We finished our double date at the police station with our half-naked companions in the cells.”
“It was one to remember,” Shawn agreed. “But that’s not what I was talking about. I meant the cats.”
“What about the cats?” Lassie asked.
“She only lets one ginger one out at a time. They’re similar, yes, but not identical. Maybe siblings? Look at the markings around the eyes. She has four cats, and I’m going to make sure the board issues her with a big old fine,” Shawn said happily.
“A fine? They won’t make her just get rid of one of the feral felines?”
Shawn gasped. “Lassie! Don’t be the 2002 remake of Rollerball. Of course they wouldn’t do that, what did those poor little kitties do wrong?”
Lassie titled his head in acknowledgment. “Okay, no revenge on the kitties. But if they come anywhere near your pineapple…”
“Then you’ll wave your gun at them to show them who’s boss? Or fire a warning shot?”
Lassie considered it. “It would be a field decision based on the behaviour of the cats and their proximity to your pineapple sculpture. It’s hard to say without more context.”
“Okay, just settle down there, Lassiebuns. Look, the point of a fine is that Carol couldn’t apply for a committee role for a year,” Shawn explained.
Lassie gave a half smile that Shawn knew meant that he was impressed. “And a committee role is something she wants?”
“Did you not see her unofficial information pack when we moved in?” Shawn asked. “That woman thinks she’s already on the social committee. Having to wait a whole year for her cat-themed holiday party is punishment enough.”
This made Lassie positively beam. Shawn couldn’t help but beam along with him.
“Now, shall we get started on our own little message to the Homeowners Association?” Shawn asked, and he let Lassie run to his desk to grab paper for the first draft. This was going to be fun.