Chapter Text
It had been over a year since that night in Buck's loft when Tommy told him that he wouldn't be his last. Since then, it's safe to say that Buck's world had fallen apart: from falling out with his best friend, to being kicked out of the house he selflessly chose to sublet to help said best friend out, sleeping on a blow-up mattress in his sister's spare room, oh, and the big one, the only man who ever felt like a father to him dying in a sealed-off room after sacrificing himself for his team, the man's last act of valiance, an act that caused Bobby's team to fracture, but also to come together in ways they never imagined possible.
Since then, Buck tried to rebuild what he could, from throwing himself into uncle duties after the birth of Robert Nash Han, the second Buckley-Han baby, to helping Harry Grant train to become a firefighter, much to his mother's continued dismay. He spent a lot of time with Maddie and Chim, hosting barbecues and family gatherings, despite his distaste for the Buckley parents. He had gone to the bar with Ravi many times, as well as a night out with both Ravi and Eddie, as some sort of half-assed apology attempt from Eddie and a reconciliation attempt by Ravi, both of which failed miserably.
He even let Hen and Karen drag him to the gay bar that they frequent, and whilst he admittedly had a good time, it just wasn't what he needed. Throwing himself headfirst into the dating scene didn't work either. He met this one guy in a badge and ladder bar, and they bonded over their various injuries and dramatics in the field, but when it came down to it, Buck realised that he just really wasn't feeling it. It felt too much like the slow return of Buck 1.0, and he had always sworn that he would never become that person again, no matter what. Unfortunately, he did become that person again, even just for a night.
During another night out attempt with Ravi and Eddie, framed by Ravi as "a chance for Eddie to get back out there again" after the very weird Kim incident that caused Christopher to leave, Buck caught the eye of a guy sitting in one of the booths in the corner of the bar who gestured at him to come over. Buck hesitated for a second before he realised that Eddie had already wandered off to sit at the table of a pretty Latina woman, and Ravi was playing pool, so he decided to hedge his bets and walked over to the booth.
Sitting on one side of the wooden booth was an attractive guy, with an average build, a chiselled jaw, and a beer lazily held in his hand.
"Hey, I'm Buck," he held his hand out, unsure where the confidence had come from. However, that confidence all but disappeared when he sat down.
"Justin," the other man said as he shook Buck's hand, "what are you drinking?"
"Oh, just beer please," Buck answered, a touch of apprehension in his voice
Justin beckoned a server over and asked for two more beers before turning his attention back to Buck. He smiled, "So… what brings you to the bar tonight? Need to drink some feelings away?" he said with a humorous lilt in his tone.
Buck hesitated, "Oh, I came here with some friends, but they've both gone and left me," he laughed, nervous, "well I guess they are colleagues… although they are friends, I guess, well one of them is..." Buck rambled, thinking about Eddie's many betrayals, before remembering where he was, "I'm sorry, I'm rambling, I do that when I'm nervous," he laughed sheepishly, embarrassed.
"Oh, so I make you nervous, huh?" Justin asked in a flirty tone.
"Oh, so it's just me that makes you nervous," said Tommy from somewhere in the back of Buck's brain. He pushed it aside and tried to carry on the conversation.
"I guess so," Buck agreed with a sigh, "I've had a bit of a shit time the last few months, well, more like the last year."
Justin looked taken aback by this sudden confession but listened intently in between sips of beer, "Oh? Do tell," he encouraged.
Buck hesitated, "Well… I had a fight with the guy who's been my best friend for six years. It was coming for a while, but it still hurt when it happened, and he accused me of making everything about myself because I dared to be upset that he was leaving again! Not only that, he’d already left me once before… okay, sure, it was to go mend fences with his kid in Texas, but that's beside the point!"
It was like a top had popped off a bottle, one nudge and here came all the trauma from the past year flooding out of him like water from a broken fire hydrant.
"Oh, and the big one, Bobby died!" Buck exclaimed, voice a little manic.
Justin looked at him, puzzled, "Bobby?"
"My captain, I'm a firefighter," Buck explained, all too aware that he was rambling, yet unable to stop it, "he caught a virus that was made airborne during a lab explosion, and sacrificed himself for the rest of the team."
"Why did he have to sacrifice himself?" Justin asked, a clear frown on his face.
"Because,” Buck emphasised, “there was only one dose of the antiviral that me and his wife - she's an LAPD sergeant - ran around the length of LA trying to find, and we needed to give that vial to Chimney because he was really sick," Buck was practically vibrating at this point, nervousness translating into physical energy he couldn’t get rid of.
"Chimney?" Justin asked again, and were Buck paying attention, he’d have noticed how shallow Justin’s interest actually was.
"Well… his name is Howie, uh Howard, but we call him Chimney, it's a long story," Buck rushed out, with a shake of his head to indicate that Justin really shouldn't ask for clarification on that particular point, "and once we got everyone out, Bobby closed the door and -" Buck cut himself off, to try and hold back the tears that were forming in the corner of his eyes, "and he died!" Buck practically wailed, before he realised the volume of his voice, and winced at himself.
"I'm so mad at him,’’ Buck hissed out, “but I don't want to be mad at him, I don't want my last memory of him to be me being mad at him for dying," Buck clenched his fist, trying to hold back a full-blown hysterical meltdown at this point, but the words just kept flowing out of his mouth no matter how hard he tried.
“Not to mention, before all of this, my boyfriend dumped me!" Buck swiped at his eyes angrily, and then let out a nervous laugh, tinted with disbelief, "he said some bullshit about how, even though he's my first, he won't be my last? What kinda cop out is that?"
Justin looked at Buck with an expression of bewilderment mixed with concern, and that’s what it took for Buck to realise just how much he’d managed to talk about himself in one go.
"And now, I’ve managed to ruin your night by oversharing so much,” Buck shook his head, disappointed with himself, “way to go, Evan,” he muttered to himself, before he took a sip of his drink, his throat desperately dry from emotion and talking alike.
However, this gave Justin the subject change he so desperately needed to move the conversation along, "So your name's actually Evan? That’s cute," he inquired with a tone that felt far too flirty to be appropriate, given what he’d just shared with the other man.
Buck ignored the tone as best as he could, wondering where in his little rant that he’d invited the other man to try and flirt with him again, "Uh, yeah, but only my sister calls me that," he laughed lowly, awkwardly, and took another sip of his beer to try and claw back what was left of his composure. Tommy called him that as well, but he pushed that thought far back into his brain, where hopefully it wouldn't see the light of day again.
"Well, Evan," Justin emphasised, and Buck breathed out harshly through his nose at the overstep, "do you want to forget about that ex of yours?" Justin reached out, before he placed his hand over the top of Buck’s where he’d left it on the table. Justin probably thought it to be a smooth move, but all Buck felt was a desperate need to escape the situation. He couldn’t, though, he’d trapped himself there.
Despite the doubt, the sketchy feeling, and the way Justin’s words felt sleazy to his ears, Buck stayed, and when Justin’s smile widened, Buck tried not to compare it to that of a shark’s, predatory and dangerous.
When Buck woke up, he figured it must be around three or four in the morning. A quick glance at his phone confirmed that it was 4:02 am, and Buck grimaced at the foul taste in his mouth. He surveyed the room around him, confused for a moment by its unfamiliarity, before it hit him, memories flooding in; the bar, the beers, Justin.
Buck lifted the covers to confirm that yes, he was indeed naked, and that's when his brain registered the fact that he wasn’t in bed alone. Snoring like a freight train beside him was Justin, and Buck shivered as he realised the gravity of what he’d done. In the low light, Justin looked smaller and less intimidating than he’d felt at the bar, but it didn’t do anything to make Buck feel any better.
Once Buck’s brain had fully woken up, he felt a simmering ball of disgust and anger form deep in his stomach. He'd done it again, he’d used someone to feel better about himself, and it hadn't worked, because it never did. He’d returned to being the person he’d so valiantly swore he would never become again, and all because this guy just happened to be nice to him. God, how pathetic, Buck thought to himself.
He needed to leave. Buck scanned the room for his clothes, which were discarded in a pile on the floor, and rushed to put them back on, though he moved as quietly as he could. Buck practically sprinted for the front door - luckily it wasn’t very far from the bedroom in this tiny apartment - though he stopped briefly to take one last look at Justin, still asleep and oblivious to all of the goings-on in the last five minutes. For a moment, lying there, Justin looked and felt familiar, even if Buck didn’t want him to.
With a shake of his head, Buck left, guilt and anger a weight in his gut.
It took Buck over an hour to get home from Justin's apartment - ordering an Uber at four in the morning in LA was trickier than he’d thought it would be - but it only took him approximately five minutes to rush up to his bedroom and crawl into bed. His brain raced, the night's actions a heavy weight on him, and Buck barely managed to fall into a fitful sleep before the sun broke over the horizon.
As he woke up to the deafening sound of his ten am alarm, Buck groaned at the reminder that he had a shift at noon, and that he should really think about getting out of bed. Honestly, he really didn't want to, but maybe going to work would be constructive. Helping other people with their problems would help him forget his own, right? Buck let out a cynical laugh as he readied himself for his shift.
Cooking himself something nice for breakfast after the night he’d had wasn’t really in the cards, and so, Buck settled for a super unhealthy breakfast from the burrito place right next to the fire house, before he begrudgingly walked into the Robert Wade Nash memorial fire station to begin another twenty-four-hour shift.
As firefighting shifts go, it wasn’t a bad one. Hectic, but not awful. No lives were lost, and that’s more than Buck can say for some of his shifts.
Buck’s workday started with a T-Bone car accident at an intersection - frighteningly common, especially during rush hour - in which Buck and Ravi had to stop the two victims having a full-on physical brawl, UFC style, to determine where the blame for the accident lay. To no one’s surprise, both parties were to blame, but that’s almost always the case.
Then they responded to a call of a kid stuck in a tree, and really, it’s almost cliché, but he’d rather something mundane like this than something dangerous, even if it’s boring. How the kid actually ended up in the tree was not shared with him, and honestly, Buck thought it wise not to ask. Afterwards, they responded to a medical call at a retirement home which had suffered an incident - probably due to awful wiring and incompetent electricians - that had caused all of their electrical outlets to become live.
Many electric shock treatments later, it was time to return to the fire house. Once they had restocked the rig, the guys - sans Chimney, who had far more important captain-y stuff to be seeing to, probably - decided to try and get a workout in before the tones sounded again.
Secretly, Buck was rather happy for the development, having not worked out in a while. When you get dumped, what point is there in putting that much effort into making yourself look good? He’s in good enough shape that he could do his job, and no-one else had really seemed to notice the change in his behaviour, so it was fine. Still, the idea of working out again had him itching to go, he’d missed this, and missed having Eddie work out with him.
However, only after about five minutes, Eddie sat up on the weight bench with a smile, and asked a question that made Buck’s stomach sink, “So, how was everyone’s night last night?”
Buck really didn’t want to talk about the night before. It still lingered in Buck’s brain unpleasantly, and honestly, he didn’t want to let slip that he’d returned to his old ways. Using people to feel something, and ending up feeling empty, still, on the inside.
"Nothing special," Ravi replied, casually, "just played some pool with some friends and went home."
"Well, I met a lovely lady, Maria, who just so happens to have a kid herself around the same age as Christopher. We’re gonna get them together for a play date some time," Eddie boasted, as he smiled to himself, clearly proud.
“Oh, that’s nice Eddie,” Ravi responded, and Buck dreaded Eddie’s attention turning to him, but there’s no way it could be avoided, with how close he was to the other man.
"And you?" Eddie asked, turning his attention to Buck, who really wanted those tones to go off, not because it meant someone was in danger, but because it would end the conversation quicker.
"Oh, nothing much, just went home after a couple beers," Buck lied, as he rubbed the back of his head, dumbbell heavy in his other hand. Please, God, let it be enough to dissuade Eddie from digging into what he’d done last night.
"Really?” Eddie asked, voice disbelieving, “because I could've sworn I saw you chatting up a handsome man over those ‘couple of beers’ you had," Eddie pushed, a smirk on his face
"Oh, yeah, maybe," Buck laughed nervously, "really though, nothing much happened."
Another lie, and Buck so desperately wanted to sink into the ground so he could avoid this conversation, because it really wasn't going in the right direction.
Eddie raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure?" he asked, and Buck’s patience with the conversation at hand dried up, fast.
"I don't want to talk about it!" Buck shouted, dropping the dumbbell he was holding, which crashed to the floor causing an almighty noise, and maybe, just maybe, Buck thought, Eddie would shut up questioning him now, but Buck had god-awful luck when it came to people not prying into his private life, apparently.
"Aw, why not?" Eddie asked, tone light and teasing, even as Ravi looked apprehensive, "you looked like you were having a good time, at least from what I saw", he stated, clearly unfazed by Buck's very apparent displeasure.
"Were you watching me all goddamn night? Since you seem to know so much about what happened," Buck asked sarcastically, still a few decibels louder than usual. He knew that Eddie had seen how his entire interaction with Justin had gone down, and not to mention, Eddie had most definitely seen them leave together, so Buck was thoroughly caught out. Eddie knew, and now so did Ravi, and all Buck could feel behind the mask of anger directed at Eddie’s prying was disgust at himself.
"Woah woah woah, don't jump down my throat, Evan, I just wanna know if you had a good night,” Eddie replied, before he forged on, “since Tommy dumped you, you haven't been the same. I was hoping you'd loosened up a bit, y’know, had a bit of fun," Eddie finished, and that was Buck's final straw.
He didn't know if it was the mention of Tommy, the use of his actual name, or the fact that Eddie had just described what had actually occurred that night that set him off, but all of a sudden he surged up from where he’d been sat. He grabbed Eddie by his vest, upper lip curled in a veritable snarl, before he shoved Eddie up against the wall of the gym, similar to what Eddie had done to him that night in his kitchen, though with the heat of his anger, the impact was far more forceful. Ravi stood up just as fast and backed away from the two of them, having decided that he wanted to be anywhere else other than here.
“I told you I don’t want to talk about it,’ Buck hissed, eyes narrowed, he glared at Eddie, who was looking at him with no small amount of shock.
At that moment, though, before Eddie could respond and make Buck even angrier, Chimney rushed into the gym area, blinking at the sight in front of him.
“Put him down, Buck,’ Chimney commanded, voice stern, as if Buck were a misbehaving dog that had picked something up in its mouth that it wasn’t supposed to.
Like that, the anger drained out of Buck’s frame, and he let Eddie go, who slumped against the wall as Buck stepped back, a look of dawning regret on his face as he looked down at his hands.
“What the hell was that, Buckley?’ Chimney asked, and Buck shook his head. He wasn't sure what had come over him, but he didn't like it one bit.
“I’d also like to know,” Eddie wheezed out, but Buck caught the look that Chimney gave the other man that made him - blessedly - close his mouth and stop talking. Before Buck could give an answer, one that wasn’t as pathetic sounding as the truth, the tones chose that very moment to go off, and Buck’s conflict with Eddie was forgotten as he, Chimney, Buck, and Ravi rushed for the engine.
As they reached the truck, Chimney held an arm out in front of Buck, and Buck barely stopped short of tripping over his own feet as he stopped in his tracks.
"You're man behind for this call," Chimney stated, and Buck blinked, hurt. Any hint of the previous anger that had overtaken him was completely gone from his face and Buck looked up at Chimney with his trademark puppy-dog eyes as the other man sighed.
"It's not a punishment, Buck,” Chimney told him, “just a chance to cool off, I don’t wanna see that happen again, yeah?" he put his hands on Buck's shoulders, the gesture felt painfully paternal, and definitely something Bobby would have done, which left Buck unable to respond, "we can talk when I get back, keep an eye on things for me."
A few minutes later, Buck was left standing in an empty fire station, alone, wondering just how the hell last night and today had gone so awry.