Chapter Text
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
Ladies!!! I finally did it 😈 Got Hayden to sneak Shane’s phone while he was in the shower and I HAVE THE NUMBER
Jackie
Welcome Lily!!!!! We’ve been dying to meet you properly!
Sofia
FINALLY omg Shane talks about you constantly
Brittani
“Lily thinks this” “Lily said that” we’re SO glad you’re here!
Hello! This is surprise but nice surprise 😊 Thank you for adding me!
Manon
Your English is so good! Shane said you’ve been reading the New Yorker?
Yes, I practice very much. Want to be better for Shane.
Karolina
That’s so sweet 🥺
Petra
So how did you and Shane meet? He’s always SO secretive about you
We meet at … hockey event. Many years ago. He is very charming right away.
Satu
A hockey event! Are you a big Voyageurs fan then?
I watch all games. Shane is second best center in league, everyone knows this.
Holly
Awww you’re biased 😂
Jackie
Okay but seriously we need DETAILS. What’s he like when he’s with you? Does he do that thing where he gets all intense and focused?
Oh yes. Shane is very … focused. Very intense. Especially in bedroom.
Sofia
LILY OMG 💀
Brittani
I was NOT expecting that energy but I’m here for it
This is not okay to discuss? I am sorry, I think maybe my English …
Manon
No no you’re totally fine! We talk about everything in here
Karolina
Literally EVERYTHING. Nothing is off limits
Ah good. Because Shane is very athletic man, you understand. Very good stamina.
Petra
GIRL
Jackie
Okay I like you already 😂
Satu
So are you going to be able to come to any playoff games? We’d love to meet you in person!
Ah, my work schedule is difficult right now. Very busy season for me too. But I am always watching, always supporting.
Holly
What do you do for work?
I am in sports industry also. Analysis and performance.
Sofia
Oh that’s so cool! So you really understand the pressure he’s under
Yes, I understand very much. The pressure, the stress, the need to perform at highest level.
Brittani
It’s so hard during playoffs. They get SO stressed
Jackie
Hayden barely sleeps. Just watches film constantly
Actually, I have been doing some research on this topic. Performance optimization during high-stress competition periods.
Manon
Oh really? Do you have any tips? We’re all trying to figure out how to support them best
Well. There is very interesting studies I have read recently.
Karolina
We’re listening!
Research shows that abstinence can significantly improve athletic performance. Testosterone levels, energy conservation, mental focus. All better with sexual abstinence.
Jackie
Wait, seriously?
Oh yes, very serious research. Professional athletes should abstain completely during playoff runs. Some studies suggest 6-8 weeks for optimal results.
Satu
SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS?!
I know it sounds extreme. But imagine, Shane could have best playoffs of career. Hayden too. All the boys. They need to conserve every bit of energy.
Holly
Hmm I’ve heard about this but I thought it was like, a myth?
No no, very real science. I can send you studies if you like. The issue is men don’t have self-control, yes? They will beg, they will try to convince you it’s fine. But we must be strong for them.
Jackie
Oh god Hayden is going to HATE this
Sofia
Max is going to die
Brittani
This is going to be torture
But you love them, yes? You want them to win Cup?
Manon
Well obviously but …
Then we stay strong. No matter how much they beg. Even when they come home from practice all sweaty and desperate. We say no. For their own good.
Karolina
This is diabolical
Think of it this way, short term suffering for long term glory. They will thank you when they lift Cup.
Petra
I mean … when you put it that way
Also. I am not saying YOU must suffer. Only them.
Satu
What do you mean?
Well. You can still have pleasure. Just not with them. I have been researching products that might help.
Holly
LILY 💀
What! Is practical solution! You stay satisfied, they stay focused, everyone wins.
Jackie
You know what, she’s got a point
Sofia
I cannot believe we’re having this conversation
I am going to send you all something. Gift, for support during difficult time.
Brittani
You don’t have to do that!
No no, I insist. We are in this together now, yes? The WAGs, we must support each other.
Manon
That’s actually really sweet Lily
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Sofia
LILY WHAT THE FUCK
Sofia
[Photo of Rosegasm vibrator]
Sofia
MY PARENTS WERE HERE FOR LUNCH WHEN I BROUGHT IN THE PACKAGE
Brittani
I JUST GOT MINE TOO
Jackie
Is this what I think it is???
Karolina
It’s a ROSE TOY
Petra
SHE SENT US ALL ROSE TOYS
Satu
WITH A NOTE THAT SAYS “STAY STRONG”
Holly
I’m literally crying laughing
You receive gifts! Good! Now you have no excuse. The boys must remain abstinent but you don’t have to suffer.
Manon
Lily you are INSANE
I prefer to think of it as supportive 😊
Sofia
My boyfriend is going to lose his MIND when I tell him no
Brittani
Do we really think this will work though?
Trust me. It will work. You just have to commit. All of us together.
Jackie
Hayden’s already been giving me looks this morning. He always gets frisky on off days.
Stay strong Jackie! Think of the Cup!
Karolina
This is evil
Karolina
I’m in.
Petra
If we’re doing this we’re ALL doing this right? No one breaks?
Satu
Agreed. We make a pact.
Holly
The abstinence pact. During playoffs. This is actually happening.
This is beautiful moment. You are all such good girlfriends and wives. Shane is lucky to have friends with such dedicated women.
Manon
How are YOU handling it with Shane?
Oh, is very difficult. He gets so needy. But I stay firm. I remind him of goals, of what he wants to achieve. Sometimes he pouts but he understands.
Sofia
“Pouts” 😭I can’t imagine Shane pouting
Oh, you would be surprised. He can be very bratty when he doesn’t get his way.
Jackie
BRATTY?? SHANE???
Brittani
This is the best information I’ve ever received
He also makes this face, like sad puppy. Very manipulative. But I don’t fall for it.
Karolina
Okay I need to know more about Shane’s bratty side
Well. Sometimes when I say no, he will try to convince me with kisses. Start at neck, very slow, very deliberate. He knows this is my weakness.
Petra
Oh my GOD
And he will whisper things in French. Very dirty things. He thinks this will make me forget about his performance goals.
Satu
Does it work?
… sometimes. But not during playoffs! During playoffs I am strong like ox.
Holly
“Strong like ox” 😂
Is Russian expression. Means very strong.
Manon
Wait, you’re Russian? I didn’t know that!
Ah yes. Should have mentioned. I am from Russia originally.
Sofia
Your English really is excellent then!
Thank you! Shane helps me practice. Very patient teacher.
Jackie
This is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard
Brittani
Okay so … when do we start? The abstinence thing?
Tonight. After practice. That is when they will be most … how do you say … worked up.
Karolina
They’re going to think we’ve all lost our minds
Let them think this. Their confusion will keep them focused on hockey.
Petra
The psychological warfare of it all
Satu
I feel like we’re villains in a movie
Not villains. Strategic partners in their success.
Holly
I’m going to need regular updates in this chat to stay strong
Yes! We will support each other through difficult times. When they beg, we come here. We remind each other of mission.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
CODE RED
Jackie
HAYDEN JUST GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER
Jackie
WEARING ONLY A TOWEL
Jackie
LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT
Sofia
STAY STRONG
Think of Cup Jackie! Think of victory!
Jackie
He’s doing that thing where he dries his hair all slow
Jackie
This is a TARGETED ATTACK
Brittani
Use the rose toy!!!
Jackie
I CAN’T I’m in the kitchen and he’s RIGHT THERE
Manon
Tell him you have a headache?
Jackie
We both know that’s bullshit
Tell him you read about performance optimization. Tell him you want him to be his best.
Jackie
Okay I’m trying
Jackie
He’s looking at me like I’m crazy
Jackie
“Jackie what the fuck are you talking about”
Jackie
He’s literally CONFUSED
Petra
HOLD THE LINE
Jackie
He’s saying he’s never heard of this
Jackie
He’s saying it’s a myth
Jackie
Oh god he’s flexing
Satu
THE AUDACITY
Men always say this. They don’t want to believe science. You must be firm.
Jackie
I told him I’m serious
Jackie
He’s pouting now
Jackie
ACTUAL POUTING
Holly
They’re all going to be so mad
Jackie
He’s going to bed angry
Jackie
This is the first time we’ve gone to bed angry in MONTHS
Sofia
It’s for his own good!
You did very well Jackie. First night is hardest. Tomorrow will be easier.
Karolina
I’m preparing myself. Tomáš’s coming home soon.
Brittani
We got this girls
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Manon
so last night was ROUGH
Manon
Benoit did not take it well
Sofia
Max literally said “what the fuck has gotten into you”
Brittani
Are all our boyfriends comparing notes today at practice? Because this is going to spread FAST
This is good. They will talk, they will bond over shared suffering, team chemistry will improve.
Jackie
Team chemistry??? Lily they’re going to be MISERABLE
Miserable but focused! You will see. Their game will be sharper.
Petra
I really hope you’re right about this
Karolina
Tomáš tried EVERYTHING last night
Karolina
The charm, the accent, the muscles
Karolina
I almost caved
Satu
What stopped you?
Karolina
The mental image of Lily calling me weak 😂
I would never! But yes, staying strong is important.
Holly
Does Shane know about this? Like did you talk to him?
Oh yes. Shane knows my thoughts on performance optimization. He respects my knowledge.
Manon
Is he okay with it?
“Okay” is strong word. He understands necessity. Even if he doesn’t like it.
Sofia
The way you talk about him is so cute
Shane is … special man. Very dedicated to his craft. Sometimes too much in his head. This actually might help him stay present.
Brittani
That’s actually really insightful
I know him very well. His patterns, his needs, his tells. When he gets too tense, when he needs to relax, when he needs push.
Jackie
You sound like you’ve been together a long time
Feels like lifetime. In best way.
Petra
🥺🥺🥺
Satu
Okay but real talk, how long do we keep this up?
Through first round at minimum. If they advance, we reassess.
Holly
FIRST ROUND??? That’s like two weeks MINIMUM!
Could be three weeks if series goes to seven games.
Karolina
They’re going to mutiny
Then we must be united front. Stronger together.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Sofia
EMERGENCY
Sofia
The guys are talking
Sofia
Max just texted me asking if I’ve “been talking to the other girls about sex stuff”
Brittani
OH FUCK
Jackie
Hayden asked me the SAME THING
Manon
Benoit wants to know if we have a group chat
This is expected. Stay calm. Stay united.
Petra
What do we tell them???
Tell them you want them to succeed. Tell them you believe in them. Tell them you love them too much to let them sabotage themselves.
Karolina
That’s actually kind of sweet?
Make it about love. About support. Men cannot argue with this.
Satu
Kalle is calling me
Satu
Wish me luck
Holly
Godspeed soldier
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Satu
I SURVIVED
Satu
Barely
Satu
He tried the “but baby I need you” approach
Sofia
Classic
Satu
Then the “you’re so beautiful I can’t help myself” approach
Brittani
They’ve got MOVES
Satu
Then he tried to show me “research” that said the opposite
Jackie
RESEARCH???
Satu
He pulled up some article on his phone about how sex IMPROVES performance
Ah yes. I know this will happen. That research is flawed. Old data. Not accounting for modern training methods.
Manon
You really have an answer for everything don’t you
I am thorough. This is important to Shane’s success so I study.
Petra
They’re going to try everything to break us
Yes. But we are stronger. We have secret weapon.
Karolina
The rose toys?
The rose toys. And each other.
Holly
I love that we’re bonding over sexually frustrating our boyfriends
Sofia
It’s twisted but I’m here for it
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
Day 3 update: Hayden is cranky as HELL
Jackie
Like he’s always a little grumpy but this is ADVANCED grumpy
Brittani
They had practice today right? How was it?
Jackie
Apparently VERY intense
Jackie
He said Shane was “skating like a man possessed”
See! Is working already!
Sofia
Max said the same thing. Said Shane was doing extra drills, pushing everyone harder
Manon
Benoit mentioned Shane was “in a mood”
Karolina
A mood?
Manon
“Like he wanted to hit something but in a productive way”
Petra
That’s … specific
This is Shane when he is channeling frustration into performance. This is good sign.
Satu
Kalle said the whole team seems “on edge”
Holly
Hmm wonder why 😂
The tension is building. But so is their focus. You will see in game.
Jackie
First playoff game is in three days
Brittani
If they lose we’re going to look so stupid
They won’t lose. Trust me.
Sofia
You seem very confident
I know Shane. I know when he is at his best. This is when he is at his best.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Karolina
GUYS
Karolina
Tomáš TRIED TO SEDUCE ME IN THE KITCHEN
Karolina
MIDDLE OF THE DAY
Petra
DETAILS
Karolina
He came up behind me while I was making lunch
Karolina
Started kissing my neck
Karolina
Hands everywhere
Karolina
Whispering Czech in my ear
Satu
Oh that’s TACTICAL
Karolina
I was SO CLOSE to giving in
Jackie
What stopped you?
Karolina
I thought “what would Lily do”
Lily would remind him that his contract is up next year and good playoff performance means better negotiation position.
Sofia
RUTHLESS
Not ruthless. Practical.
Brittani
Did it work Karolina?
Karolina
He backed off
Karolina
But he looked so SAD
Karolina
Like kicked puppy
Manon
They’re all doing the sad puppy thing
Holly
It’s their only weapon left
Don’t fall for it. Sad puppy today, Stanley Cup champion tomorrow.
Petra
That should be on a t-shirt
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Sofia
Morning check in!
Sofia
How’s everyone holding up?
Jackie
Hayden slept on the far side of the bed
Jackie
Like PRESSED against his side
Jackie
I tried to cuddle and he said “I’m too frustrated for cuddles”
Brittani
That’s so sad 😭
Jackie
I KNOW
Jackie
But I’m staying strong
Manon
Benoit has been stress cooking
Manon
We have SO MUCH FOOD
Manon
He made THREE PIES yesterday
Satu
Stress baking! That’s actually kind of cute
Good! They are finding healthy outlets!
Karolina
Tomáš’s been going to the gym twice a day
Petra
Working out that frustration
Holly
They’re all going to be in PEAK physical condition
Exactly my point! You see? Is working!
Sofia
I have to admit … Max does look really good lately
Sofia
Like MORE defined
Brittani
The testosterone retention is REAL
Science doesn’t lie. Now imagine this on ice. Unstoppable.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
GAME DAY TOMORROW
Jackie
Everyone ready?
Petra
As ready as we’ll ever be
Satu
If they lose they’re going to blame us
They won’t lose.
Manon
You keep saying that
Because I know. Shane is in perfect mindset. Rest of team feeding off his energy. They will dominate.
Karolina
I hope you’re right
Sofia
I’m nervous
Brittani
Me too
Holly
What if this whole thing backfires?
It won’t. Trust process. Trust science. Trust that you know what’s best for men you love.
Jackie
Very motivational Lily
I am good at motivation 😊
Petra
Are you going to watch the game?
Of course. I watch every Shane game if I am not working. This one especially important.
Satu
I wish you could be there with us
Me too. But I am there in spirit. We are all in this together.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
JACKIE
OHMYGOD
Sofia
THAT GAME
Brittani
HOLY FUCK
Manon
SHANE WAS INSANE
Karolina
THREE POINTS
Petra
TWO GOALS ONE ASSIST
Satu
HE WAS EVERYWHERE
Holly
THE WHOLE TEAM WAS ON FIRE
Jackie
LILY YOU WERE RIGHT
Sofia
HAYDEN HAD TWO ASSISTS
Brittani
Max HAD A GOAL
Manon
Benoit WAS BLOCKING EVERYTHING
I told you. Trust science.
Karolina
They won 5-1!
Petra
It wasn’t even close!
Satu
Shane looked POSSESSED
Holly
In the best way
Jackie
He was so fast, so focused, so AGGRESSIVE
Sofia
When he scored that second goal I screamed
Brittani
The celly was INTENSE
He is in zone. This is what I knew would happen.
Manon
The boys are going to be SO smug
Karolina
They’re going to say this proves they don’t need abstinence
Petra
But we can’t give in now right?
NO! This is when we stay strongest! They have tasted success, now they must stay hungry!
Satu
Lily’s right
Holly
I can’t believe I’m saying this but … we keep going?
Jackie
The pact continues
Sofia
Until when though?
End of first round. Then we … reassess based on data.
Brittani
You’re really treating this like a science experiment
Because it is! And experiment is succeeding!
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
POST GAME UPDATE
Jackie
Hayden came home SO HAPPY
Jackie
Like bouncing off walls happy
Jackie
Still horny as hell though
Sofia
Max too!
Sofia
He was like “we won baby, we should celebrate”
Manon
SO TRANSPARENT
Jackie
I told Hayden I was proud of him
Jackie
That he played amazing
Jackie
That he should keep doing whatever he’s doing
Brittani
Smart!
Jackie
He was like “what I’m doing is NOT having sex”
Jackie
Very pointedly
Karolina
SUBTLE
They will try to use victory as negotiation tactic. Don’t fall for it.
Petra
Tomáš tried the same thing
Petra
“I played so well, don’t I deserve reward?”
Satu
Oh that’s GOOD
Reward is another victory. Reward is another playoff win. Reward is Cup.
Holly
You’re like a motivational speaker
I am Russian. We understand sacrifice for glory.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Sofia
Morning girls!
Sofia
So I did something potentially bad
Jackie
Oh no
Sofia
I maybe let Max … do things … that weren’t technically sex?
Brittani
SOFIA
Sofia
I KNOW
Sofia
But he was so sweet and he used the “please baby” voice
Manon
What kind of things?
Sofia
Like … hands stuff?
Karolina
That’s still breaking the pact!
Sofia
Is it though??? Is it REALLY?
Petra
I think it is
Satu
Lily what do you think?
… I think we may need to clarify rules.
Holly
Oh shit Lily sounds serious
Abstinence means abstinence. No sex, no hands, no mouths, nothing that leads to orgasm.
Sofia
NOTHING???
Nothing. Complete abstinence. Is only way.
Brittani
That’s HARSH
That’s SCIENCE.
Jackie
Okay but to be fair we never explicitly defined the rules
Manon
Jackie’s right
Fine. We define now. From this moment: NOTHING. Complete abstinence. All agree?
Karolina
Agree
Petra
Agree
Satu
Agree
Holly
Agree
Brittani
Ugh fine, agree
Jackie
Agree
Manon
Agree
Sofia
… agree
Good. Sofia gets pass for confusion but from now on, we are clear. NOTHING.
Sofia
They’re going to DIE
They’re going to WIN.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Brittani
Has anyone else’s boyfriend been extra clingy?
Karolina
YES
Karolina
Tomáš has been following me around the apartment
Karolina
Like a shadow
Petra
Cute or annoying?
Karolina
Both?
Jackie
Hayden keeps finding excuses to touch me
Jackie
“Oh let me help you with that”
Jackie
“Here let me get that for you”
Jackie
Everything is an excuse for contact
Manon
They’re touch starved
This is good sign. Means they are missing intimacy which means they are feeling effects.
Satu
Feels mean though
Love is sometimes being strong when they cannot be strong themselves.
Holly
That’s actually kind of beautiful
Sofia
Or fucked up
Sofia
Haven’t decided which
Brittani
Both. It’s both.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
GAME 2 TOMORROW
Petra
Everyone still holding strong?
Karolina
Barely but yes
Satu
Kalle asked me today if I still loved him
Satu
Because apparently denying sex means I don’t love him
Sofia
THE DRAMA
Manon
They’re really pulling out all the stops
Emotional manipulation is their final weapon. Don’t fall for it.
Brittani
What did you say Satu?
Satu
I told him I loved him SO much that I was willing to be the bad guy so he could be the best player he can be
Jackie
THAT’S PERFECT
Yes! This is exactly right approach!
Holly
I’m using that line
Karolina
We all are
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Sofia
ANOTHER WIN
Jackie
4-2!!!
Brittani
SHANE WITH ANOTHER GOAL
Karolina
HE’S ON FIRE
Petra
FOUR POINTS IN TWO GAMES
Satu
THIS IS INSANE
Holly
LILY YOUR SCIENCE IS WORKING
Not my science. THE science. I am simply messenger.
Jackie
The team is playing like they’re POSSESSED
Sofia
The commentators were talking about Montreal’s “renewed energy”
Brittani
“Best chemistry we’ve seen from this team all season”
Manon
If only they knew WHY
They can never know. This is our secret.
Karolina
The secret to hockey success: blue balls
Petra
I’m CRYING 😂
Satu
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever been part of
Holly
And it’s WORKING
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
Can’t sleep
Jackie
Anyone else awake?
Sofia
Yeah
Yes
Brittani
Me too
Jackie
Is it weird that I kind of miss it?
Manon
Miss what?
Jackie
The intimacy. Not even the sex necessarily but like … the closeness?
Karolina
That’s not weird at all
Petra
I miss it too
Satu
Kalle tried to cuddle earlier and I let him but then he started getting handsy and I had to shut it down
Satu
He looked so hurt
Holly
This is harder than I thought it would be
It is hard. But you are doing it for them. They may not understand now but they will thank you.
Sofia
Will they though?
When they win Cup? Yes. They will understand sacrifice.
Brittani
You really believe they’ll go all the way?
I believe Shane will do everything in his power. And right now, his power is maximized.
Jackie
How long have you and Shane been together Lily?
Long enough to know him very well. To know what he needs even when he doesn’t.
Manon
That’s real love
Yes. Is real love. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Karolina
CRISIS
Karolina
I just overheard Tomáš on phone with his brother
Petra
And???
Karolina
He was complaining about me
Karolina
Saying I’ve been “different lately”
Karolina
That he doesn’t understand what’s wrong
Sofia
Oh no
Karolina
He sounded so SAD
Jackie
What are you going to do?
Karolina
I don’t know!
Karolina
I feel terrible!
Karolina. Look at me. Well, look at phone. You know what I mean.
This is temporary discomfort for long term gain. He will be fine.
Karolina
But what if he resents me?
He won’t. When this is over, when they win, he will understand. Trust.
Manon
Lily’s right
Brittani
We’ve come too far to quit now
Satu
We’re in this together
Holly
All of us
Karolina
Okay. Okay I’m staying strong.
Petra
That’s our girl
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
They’re traveling tomorrow for games 3 and 4
Sofia
Road games
Brittani
At least we’ll have some distance
Manon
Might make it easier?
Or harder. They will be lonely in hotel rooms. They will text you. They will try to FaceTime.
Karolina
Ugh you’re right
Petra
What do we do?
Stay strong. Keep conversations light. Don’t engage with their attempts at phone sex.
Satu
PHONE SEX???
Oh yes. They will try. Mark my words.
Holly
I can’t believe this is my life
Sofia
The things we do for love
Jackie
And hockey
Brittani
And science apparently
Science and love and hockey. The perfect combination.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Manon
Benoit just FaceTimed me
Manon
From hotel room
Manon
Shirtless
Sofia
TACTICAL
Manon
He was like “I miss you baby”
Manon
With THE EYES
Jackie
The sad puppy eyes?
Manon
EXACTLY THOSE
Brittani
What did you do?
Manon
I told him I missed him too but he needed to rest up for the game
Manon
He tried to argue that he could “rest better” after
Karolina
SMOOTH
Manon
I told him nice try and ended the call
Petra
QUEEN
Perfect execution. This is how we do it.
Satu
Kalle texted me a shirtless mirror selfie
Holly
THEY’RE ALL DOING IT
Sofia
Max sent me a “thinking of you” voice memo
Sofia
His voice was all low and sexy
Brittani
COORDINATED ATTACK
They are in hotel together, they are comparing strategies. This is expected.
Jackie
Military-grade manipulation
Manon
We need to be stronger
We ARE stronger. We have each other. They only have horny desperation.
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Sofia
GAME 3 WIN
Jackie
3-2 IN OT
Brittani
SHANE WITH THE OVERTIME WINNER
Manon
I SCREAMED SO LOUD
Karolina
THE CELLY WAS UNREAL
Petra
HE LOOKED SO HAPPY
Satu
THREE WINS IN A ROW
Holly
ONE MORE AND THEY SWEEP THE SERIES
See? What did I tell you? UNSTOPPABLE.
Jackie
Okay I’m officially a believer
Sofia
The science is SCIENCING
Brittani
Shane had the puck on a STRING tonight
Manon
That overtime goal was chef’s kiss
He is in flow state. This is what peak performance looks like.
Karolina
The guys are going to be so hyped tonight
Petra
And so DESPERATE
Satu
Kalle already texted saying he wishes I was there
Holly
They all wish we were there
Good thing you are not. Distance is helping.
Sofia
Cruel but effective
Jackie
Has this been the longest any of you have gone?
Brittani
WITHOUT A DOUBT
Manon
Benoit and I have never gone more than like … three days?
Karolina
Same with Tomáš
Petra
We’re at what, almost two weeks now?
Thirteen days. But who is counting? 😊
Satu
YOU apparently
I track data. Is important for analysis.
Holly
You’re terrifying and I love it
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
Morning update from the hotel
Jackie
Hayden called me at 7am
Jackie
SEVEN AM
Sofia
What did he want?
Jackie
To “hear my voice”
Jackie
He sounded so sad
Brittani
The MANIPULATION
Jackie
I know but it’s also kind of sweet?
Manon
They’re breaking
They’re not breaking. They’re focusing. One more game and series is over.
Karolina
Then what?
Then we see how long between series. Depending on other matchups, could be few days break.
Petra
Do we … continue through the break?
Satu
Oh god I haven’t thought about that
We discuss after series win. For now, stay course.
Holly
Aye aye captain
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Sofia
GAME 4 TONIGHT
Sofia
POTENTIAL SWEEP
Brittani
I’m so nervous
Manon
Me too
Jackie
If they win tonight they advance to second round
Karolina
And we’ll have been right this whole time
Petra
No pressure
No need for nerves. Team is ready. Shane is ready. Trust.
Satu
Your confidence is reassuring
Holly
Or terrifying
Holly
Haven’t decided
Why not both? 😊
Montreal Better Halves 💅
Jackie
SWEEP!!!!
Sofia
5-3 WIN!!!
Brittani
SHANE WITH TWO GOALS AND AN ASSIST
Manon
NINE POINTS IN FOUR GAMES
Karolina
HE’S ACTUALLY INSANE
Petra
THE WHOLE TEAM PLAYED AMAZING
Satu
FIRST ROUND DONE
Holly
LILY YOU’RE A GENIUS
Not genius. Just believer in science and in Shane.
Jackie
The commentators were calling it “one of the most dominant first round performances in recent memory”
Sofia
They kept talking about Montreal’s “killer instinct”
Brittani
THE IRONY
Manon
If only they knew about the pact
They can NEVER know. This is our secret forever.
Karolina
The secret that won them the series
Petra
I can’t believe it actually worked
Satu
Lily’s abstinence experiment was a SUCCESS
Holly
This is going in the history books
Holly
The secret history books
Now. We must discuss. Series is over. Do we continue?
Jackie
Oh god
Sofia
I don’t know if I can
Brittani
How long until next series?
Manon
Depends on when the other series finishes
Karolina
Could be a few days, could be a week
I propose: we give them break during off days. But once next series starts, we resume.
Petra
That’s … fair actually?
Satu
A little mercy
Holly
They’ve earned it
Jackie
All in favor?
Sofia
Aye
Brittani
Aye
Manon
Aye
Karolina
Aye
Petra
Aye
Satu
Aye
Holly
Aye
Then is decided. Tonight, they celebrate. Tomorrow, they rest. And then … we prepare for round two.
The Motherfucking Voyageurs
Hayden
okay what the FUCK
Max
???
Hayden
Jackie finally let me touch her last night
Tomáš
Oh thank god Karolina too
Benoit
Manon as well
Hayden
and she said something weird
Hayden
she said “you earned your break”
Max
BREAK??
Max
Sofia said the same thing
Tomáš
“You’ve been so good”
Tomáš
Like I’m a fucking dog
Benoit
Manon said “we can take a few days off before getting serious again”
Hayden
SERIOUS AGAIN???
Max
What the fuck does that mean
Brady
uhhhh guys
Brady
Holly said something about “resuming the pact for round 2”
Tomáš
THE PACT?!
Hayden
THERE’S A PACT?!
Max
What fucking pact
Benoit
I think our girlfriends have been conspiring
Shane
… what
Hayden
SHANE
Hayden
Your girlfriend knows about this
Shane
Knows about what?
Max
The sex ban???
Tomáš
The abstinence thing???
Shane
I don’t understand what’s happening
Hayden
Jackie said and I quote “Lily was right about the science”
Shane
…
Shane
Lily said what
Max
Sofia mentioned Lily too
Max
Something about “staying strong like Lily said”
Tomáš
Karolina keeps talking about some group chat
Benoit
THEY HAVE A GROUP CHAT
Brady
Oh fuck they definitely have a group chat
Kalle
Satu has been very secretive about her phone lately
Anthony
Brittani too
Hayden
So let me get this straight
Hayden
Our girlfriends have a group chat
Hayden
Lily is in this group chat
Hayden
Lily convinced them to sexually deprive us
Hayden
For HOCKEY PERFORMANCE
Max
I’m going to kill her
Tomáš
We’re going to kill her
Shane
Nobody is killing anyone
Benoit
Shane your girlfriend orchestrated our SUFFERING
Shane
I honestly don’t think she meant it that way
Hayden
She sent them RESEARCH
Hayden
Jackie showed me
Hayden
Some bullshit about testosterone and abstinence
Max
This is psychological warfare
Tomáš
This is a war crime
Brady
This is actually kind of genius though?
Tomáš
Kalle
Brady
I mean we DID sweep the series
Brady
and Shane has been playing out of his mind
Kalle
Nine points in four games
Anthony
Best playoff performance of his career
Shane
…
Hayden
Shane you’re being awfully quiet
Shane
I’m processing
Max
Processing what? That your girlfriend is evil?
Shane
She’s not evil
Tomáš
She made us suffer for TWO WEEKS
Benoit
Actually closer to three
Shane
And we won every game
Hayden
That’s not the POINT
Shane
Isn’t it though?
Max
SHANE
Shane
I’m just saying. The results speak for themselves.
Tomáš
I cannot believe you’re defending her
Brady
I think it’s kind of romantic
Brady
In a fucked up way
Anthony
She did it because she believes in him
Kalle
Still diabolical
Hayden
Jackie said Lily sent them all PRESENTS
Max
What kind of presents?
Hayden
I’m not saying
Tomáš
Tell us
Hayden
… rose toys
Tomáš
WHAT
Max
SHE DIDN’T
Benoit
Oh my god
Shane
She did WHAT
Hayden
Sent them all rose toys so they could “stay satisfied” while we “stayed focused”
Max
I’m deceased
Tomáš
This is insane
Shane
I need to make a phone call
Brady
Oh this is going to be good
Hayden
Give her hell Shane
Shane
I’m not giving her hell
Max
WHY NOT
Shane
Because she was trying to help?
Tomáš
By torturing us?!
Shane
By giving us an edge. And it worked.
Benoit
He’s got a point
Hayden
Don’t encourage this
Shane
Look. I’m not saying I’m HAPPY about it
Shane
But I can’t argue with nine points in four games
Max
Stockholm syndrome
Shane
Appreciation for results-driven strategy
Tomáš
You’re both terrible
Hayden
So what do we do?
Anthony
About what?
Hayden
About round two
Hayden
Jackie said something about “resuming”
Max
Oh FUCK no
Tomáš
Absolutely not
Benoit
We put our foot down
Brady
Do we though?
Kalle
What?
Brady
I mean … if it’s working …
Tomáš
Kalle
Brady
I’m just being practical!
Anthony
He’s not wrong
Max
You’re all insane
Shane
I need to talk to Lily
Hayden
Tell her we’re onto her
Shane
I’ll handle it
Tomáš
Handle it by what? Thanking her?
Shane
Maybe
Max
SHANE
Shane
I gotta go
Jane ❤️🍆🥵
Jane
So
Jane
Interesting morning
Oh? How so?
Jane
The guys figured it out
Figured what out?
Jane
Ilya
I don’t know what you’re talking about 😊
Jane
You infiltrated the WAGs group chat
Infiltrated is such harsh word
I was INVITED
Jane
You convinced them to sexually deprive my entire team
Jane
For performance enhancement
And how did your performance go?
Jane
That’s not the point
Nine points in four games says otherwise
Jane
You sent them ROSE TOYS
So they wouldn’t suffer! I was being thoughtful!
Jane
You’re a menace
I’m supportive partner who wants you to succeed
Jane
You’re a chaos agent
Can’t I be both?
Jane
How long have you been in that chat?
Since April 5
Jane
THREE WEEKS
Jane
You’ve been torturing my teammates for THREE WEEKS
Not torturing. Optimizing.
Jane
Hayden wants to kill you
Hayden doesn’t even know who I am
Jane
He knows Lily
Lily is sweet supportive girlfriend. Very innocent.
Jane
INNOCENT???
I have done nothing wrong ever in my life
Jane
You orchestrated a team-wide sex ban
For science!
Jane
You’re unbelievable
Thank you 😊
Jane
That wasn’t a compliment
Sounded like compliment
Jane
I don’t know whether to be mad or impressed
Be impressed. Mad is waste of energy.
Jane
You do realize they’re all furious right?
They’re furious NOW. They will thank me if they win Cup.
Jane
WHEN we win Cup
When? You’re starting to sound like me, Hollander.
Jane
You’re so fucking cocky
One of us has to be. You’re too busy being Canadian and boring.
Jane
I hate that you’re right about this
About what? Being cocky or the abstinence thing?
Jane
Both. Neither. I don’t know.
You played best hockey of your career these past two weeks
Jane
I know
You were focused. Sharp. In perfect flow.
Jane
I know
So maybe I am genius after all?
Jane
You’re something
But you love me anyway 💕
Jane
Unfortunately
So mean to me always
Jane
You deserve it
Jane
Did you really send them all rose toys?
Yes. Was practical solution.
Jane
Nothing about this was practical
Sure it was. They stay satisfied, you stay focused, everyone wins.
Jane
Except we were all miserable
Productive misery though
Jane
There’s no such thing
Your nine points disagree
Jane
Stop bringing up my points
Why? Are you not proud?
Jane
Of course I am but
But nothing. You played amazing. Team played amazing. I helped.
Jane
By being devious
By being smart
Jane
The guys want to know if you’re planning to do this for round two
Am I?
Jane
Lily
The WAGs and I came to agreement
Jane
Oh god
Break during off days. Resume when series starts.
Jane
You’re kidding
Science doesn’t take breaks, Hollander
Jane
My teammates are going to mutiny
They can try. The WAGs are strong now. United front.
Jane
What have you done
I have created army of determined women who want their men to succeed
Jane
You’ve created a nightmare
Tomato tomahto
Jane
That’s not how that expression works
English is not my first language
Jane
You know exactly what you’re doing
Yes. Winning.
Jane
God I wish I could kiss you right now
To shut me up?
Jane
To thank you. And also shut you up.
You can do both when you come to Boston next series 😊
Jane
IF we play Boston
When. We will both advance.
Jane
Your confidence is insane
My confidence is EARNED
Jane
Can’t argue with that
Are you really mad at me?
Jane
I should be
Jane
You went behind my back, infiltrated my team’s support system, and orchestrated a conspiracy
When you say it like that it sounds bad
Jane
It IS bad
Jane
It’s also … kind of brilliant?
I KNEW you would see reason
Jane
I didn’t say I liked it
But you understand it
Jane
Unfortunately yes
Jane
You really think this is helping?
I know it is. You feel different, yes? On ice?
Jane
… yeah
Jane
Clearer. More focused. Like everything is just … flowing.
This is what I wanted for you. Peak performance. No distractions.
Jane
You’re a distraction
But I am PRODUCTIVE distraction
Jane
You’re a menace is what you are
Yes but I am YOUR menace
Jane
Lucky me
Very lucky. Not everyone has girlfriend who understands sports science.
Jane
“Sports science” is generous
You have better term?
Jane
Psychological warfare?
That too
Jane
The guys are never going to let me live this down
Tell them to focus on hockey not on girlfriends
Jane
I’m not telling them that
Why not? Is good advice.
Jane
Because they’ll know it came from you
And?
Jane
And they already think you’re evil
I can live with this
Jane
Of course you can
Jane
You know what the worst part is?
What?
Jane
I missed you
Jane
Even knowing what you were doing, I missed you
I missed you too, Hollander
Jane
Did you really watch all the games?
Every single one if I wasn’t playing. You were beautiful.
Jane
Stop
No really. The OT winner? So sexy 🥵
Jane
You’re not allowed to use that emoji
Why not?
Jane
Because I’m supposed to be mad at you
You’re not mad though
Jane
I should be
But you’re not 😊
Jane
No. I’m not.
Jane
I’m impressed and exasperated and a little bit in awe
This is good combination
Jane
This is a WEIRD combination
You love me for my weird
Jane
I do
Jane
Unfortunately
So romantic
Jane
You don’t deserve romance right now
Jane
You deserve … I don’t know what you deserve
Championship ring?
Jane
Your confidence is truly something else
Is Russian way
Jane
The Russian way is psychological warfare apparently
We prefer term “strategic thinking”
Jane
You’re impossible
But you love me
Jane
Yeah. I really do.
Even though I tortured your teammates?
Jane
That’s fucked up right?
Little bit. But I like fucked up.
Jane
I know you do
Jane
So what now?
Now you rest. Enjoy break. Prepare for next round.
Jane
And the abstinence thing?
Resumes when series starts
Jane
The guys are going to lose their minds
They’ll survive. Builds character.
Jane
You’re terrible
Thank you ❤️
Jane
STILL NOT A COMPLIMENT
Agree to disagree
Jane
I need to go deal with the fallout
Tell them I said hello
Jane
Absolutely not
Tell them I believe in them?
Jane
They don’t want to hear from you
Their loss
Jane
Goodbye, Ilya.
Wait
Jane
What?
I’m proud of you. Nine points. Series sweep. You were everything I knew you could be.
Jane
… thanks
Jane
Even if your methods were insane
Best methods usually are
Jane
I love you
Jane
You chaos demon
I love you too, Hollander
My beautiful suffering team captain
Jane
Don’t call me that
Too late. Is new nickname.
Jane
I hate you
No you don’t 😊
Jane
No. I don’t.
Jane
Unfortunately.