Work Text:
Reaction video: This guy is jealous of me
Ilya Rozanov
Video Transcript:
[A young man sits in the driver’s seat of his car facing the camera in front of him.]
Grumpy Man: Is there even a reason to be jealous of Ilya Rozanov anymore? I’m not saying anything against his hockey, but come on. He used to party it up in Boston with a different hot chick in his bed every night. Then he moved to fucking Ottawa, sold his awesome sports car collection to fund a stupid charity, and got gay married. What’s next for Rozanov, his soccer mom era? Ugh. Man fucking down.
[Video cuts to Ilya Rozanov walking into his house. He talks as the front door closes behind him and he tosses his keys in a bowl.]
Rozanov: I am bisexual/gay married. And I would be an incredible soccer mom. I’d bring the best snacks, and if the refs made a bad call I’d fight them. Also, since there seems to be some confusion, I’ve decided to make you a list. Twenty reasons you should still be jealous of me. There are more than that, but I am trying to keep this video short.
[Video cuts to the camera slowly panning around the interior of a museum.]
Rozanov, offscreen: One, Ottawa museums are more boring than yours.
[The camera reaches Shane Hollander, who frowns at the man behind it.]
Hollander: I thought you said this was a list of good things about Ottawa? Why are you insulting the museums?
Rozanov: Not insulting. I am saying they are the best at being boring.
[Video cuts to a close up of Rozanov sitting in a locker room in his hockey gear.]
Rozanov: Two, my husband is better at hockey than yours.
[Video cuts to a hockey game. Hollander knocks the puck off an opposing player’s stick and takes off with it. He fires it over the goalie’s shoulder and the crowd screams as the horn blows for a goal.]
[Video cuts to a restaurant. It pans around to show Harris Drover, Troy Barrett, Hollander, and Rozanov sitting at the table.]
Rozanov: Three. There is poutine here.
Drover: Aren’t you going to say anything nice about the poutine?
Rozanov: No.
[Video cuts to Rozanov standing beside a weight bench.]
Rozanov: Four. My husband is hotter than yours.
[Video cuts to Hollander on a yoga mat in a triangle pose. Hollander notices Rozanov and stops.]
Hollander: Are you filming me?
Rozanov: Yes, for the Ottawa video.
Hollander: If you want to say there’s yoga in Ottawa, shouldn’t you film a yoga studio or something?
Rozanov: No. Do the one where your ass is in the air.
Hollander: Ilya!
[Video cuts to a backyard where the Ottawa Centaurs team and their families are gathered around a grill.]
Rozanov: Five. Bood’s backyard barbecues are better than any party you will ever attend.
[There is a collected cheer from the assembled guests.]
[Video cuts to a locker room and is zoomed in on Hollander’s face.]
Rozanov, offscreen: Six. My husband’s freckles.
Hollander: Did you start a new list? What happened to the Ottawa one?
Rozanov: This is the Ottawa list.
Hollander: What?
[Video cuts to Rozanov’s dog, Anya. She is running circles around the living room playing with her toys, tail wagging.]
Rozanov: Seven. My dog is more adorable than yours. Anya, sit!
[Anya ignores him and squeaks her toy.]
Rozanov: Good girl!
[He tosses her a treat.]
Hollander, shouting from another room: That’s not how you do dog training!
[Video cuts to a sunny poolside location. Rozanov sits down on a lounge chair where Hollander is laying back with a book.]
Rozanov: Eight. My husband is still hotter than yours.
Hollander: We’re not even in Ottawa!
[Video cuts to the Ottawa Centaur’s Stanley Cup victory.]
Rozanov, in voiceover: Nine. My team is better than yours.
[Video cuts to Rozanov standing in front of a trophy case.]
Rozanov: Ten. I have more trophies than you.
Hollander, offscreen: No, you don’t.
Rozanov, looking away from the camera: I’m talking to the internet, not my overachieving husband.
Hollander: Pan to the left and show the internet how many more trophies I have than you.
Rozanov: Fine. But by the law of marriage, these are also mine.
[Rozanov turns and shows even more trophies to his left.]
Hollander: What? That’s not how that works.
Rozanov: Yes, it is. You may think I lost the Rookie Of the Year competition, but look.
[Rozanov points to a Rookie Of the Year trophy behind him and widens his eyes.]
Rozanov: There it is, in my trophy case.
Hollander: Hey!
[Video cuts to Hollander hauling suitcases out of the trunk of a car then walking towards an enormous lake house.]
Rozanov: Eleven. I have a mansion on a lake.
Hollander: It’s a cottage.
Rozanov: Canadians are using the word cottage wrong.
[Video cuts to Rose Landry and Svetlana drinking beer and watching a hockey game.]
Landry: If you don’t put me on your list I will hold a grudge about it.
Hollander: Don’t encourage him.
Rozanov: Twelve. My friends are more famous than yours and know more about hockey than you ever will.
[Landry blows a kiss at the camera.]
[Video cuts to an airport. Hollander is leaning back against a wall and texting on his phone. His suitcase sits at his feet. He doesn’t look up from his phone when Rozanov starts talking.]
Rozanov: Thirteen. My husband looks like that.
Hollander: Fourteen. Ottawa has beautiful parks with amazing hiking trails.
Rozanov: Fifteen. My husband organizes his closet by color.
Hollander: It’s convenient! Sixteen, Ottawa has boating in the summer.
Rozanov: Seventeen. I love my husband so much I want to kiss him every time I see his pretty face.
Hollander: Eigh- Wait, not fair. You can’t- Eighteen, there’s hockey in Ottawa.
Rozanov: No, really?
Hollander: Shut up! My husband is hotter than yours! Shit.
[The camera shakes as Rozanov starts to laugh.]
Rozanov: My husband is funnier than yours.
Hollander: Well, my husband is better at drinking way too many cherry cokes than yours.
Rozanov: My husband looks better in a Rozanov jersey than yours.
Hollander: My husband is better at blowjobs than yours. Fuck, edit that out. Ilya, you have to-
[Video cuts to Rozanov sitting on a bed shirtless, his hair damp and still dripping water.]
Rozanov: Nineteen. My husband is a better fuck than anyone you will ever have sex with.
[A towel hits Rozanov in the face.]
Hollander, offscreen: Are you filming right now? What’s wrong with you?
[Rozanov grins at the camera.]
Rozanov: Apparently point twenty would be “inappropriate content in violation of the terms of service” so I’ll stop my list here. I hope you’ve enjoyed being jealous of me.
Video ends.
Comments:
HockeyGirlie: Aww, Anya is the cutest! I’m totally jealous!
PluckyPucks: I love Bood’s channel! Those BBQs look so fun! Jealous!
ZamboniBunny: Ugh, I’m so jealous of that cottage. I would die to own a summer place like that.
Hockey4Life: Are we not going to talk about the Hollander thing
RozandRizz: How could anyone not be jealous of Rozanov when he JUST won a Stanley Cup?
TheLandriest: Friends with Rose Landry!!! So jealous I could explode!
Hockey4Life: The man in the initial video was straight. Rozanov spent an entire “reaction” video bragging about being married to Hollander. We’re not addressing this?
TooManyPikeBabies: Okay, I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room: Rozanov called Ottawa’s world class museums boring.
Hockey4Life: I give up
Twitter:
@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Twenty reasons to move to Ottawa! youtube.com/yg3….
@CensFanWinning: Why does this make it sound like Ilya Rozanov moved to Ottawa because Shane Hollander has freckles?
@IlyaRozanov81: That is why I moved to Ottawa
@CensFanWinning: ?!?
@HarrisDrover: Days since an Ottawa Centaurs PR Disaster: Zero