Chapter Text
DAY ONE
The feeling of his hand on my chest and pushing me away from the warmth of his worn-out body was different. It was different from all of the other touches he gave me, the lingering hands on my shoulders or the back of my neck, the brushing hands as he walked past me, the fast taps to get my attention. This was a whole new realm, something that almost felt like disgust, maybe even shame.
People had been noticing all day, I didn't miss the eyes staring at where his hand met my body, i'm not an idiot, but they didn't even see the half of it. It feels like Dr. Robinavitch couldn't even be in the same room as me without touching me. Earlier that day - at the bedside of a patient - he was standing beside me and shuffled his foot so it sat against mine and I let him! It's stupid, really, he probably just sees me as a project like everyone else and he can hardly touch the girls like this but I'm a boy- a man! - I'm a man so it's different, isn't it? It's not inappropriate because I'm a man and so is he.
Even if I am a very gay man.
That fact doesn't make any difference here though because I am a gay man and Dr. Robinavitch is not, not as far as my excellent gaydar was picking up. It doesn't even matter that I have a crush on him - because who wouldn't?. Nothing matters because he is not gay and he is also about twenty years older than me. Don't get me wrong, that's no issue to me, in fact, I've gone older, but Robby is a noble man. He has strong morals, he lives by his ethics, and sleeping with a boy- man half his age is probably not one of them.
I'm getting ahead of myself because that doesn't matter anyway because that touch, that wasn't soft or supportive like they had been all day. This was disgust and shame, this was 'get the fuck away from me'. This was 'never come close to me, I can't stand the sight of you'. I know that because I know it all too well, I've had it before. Not by someone like Robby but by someone and it's something that I don't forget. I know the day had been rough for us all but a push like that wasn't implicit, it was actually rather explicit. If anyone were to see it, they would know what it means.
No one had been able to find him for a while. The slow echo of "where's Robby?" was bouncing off the walls from one trauma room to another and I had noticed it because I barely went twenty minutes the whole day without him being near me, being in my space, and it had been longer than twenty minutes.
Everything had changed though, the bays were all full, every single bed had someone on it, every single chair. There wasn't a doctor without blood all over their robes, some, like Dr. Abbot, had blood bags taped to their legs just so they could donate and I was just trying to help as much as I could. The idea of trying to make an impression had passed me, I didn't need it anymore, I just needed to help as many people as quickly as I could. I wish I could have cloned myself ten times over if only to do scut and get low priority patients out of the way. But I couldn't and I scolded myself for wasting time even thinking about it.
Trinity had told me that we needed more blankets and I knew this, of course, and any other time I would have offered just to be helpful until she said "They're in peds" and stood up straight from the clown-faced patient she was examining before adding "the morgue". I felt defeated already. There's having someone die on a table in front of you, once alive and breathing, and then there's walking into a room full of dead bodies voluntarily, bodies that I couldn't save, that Robby couldn't save, that had no real chance if even he couldn't do anything about it.
She offered me a game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide who the lucky winner of retrieving the blankets would be and I wordlessly agreed, swiftly losing and muttering a "shit" before walking off towards the peds room. It felt like a war zone or at least as close as I had come - Dr Abbot might have something to say about that - and I felt like I was wading through blood just to get anywhere. Now, I've seen animals give birth or die or be eaten in the middle of the night by mountain lions but nothing makes you feel your mortality like your fellow homosapien brethren clinging on for dear life in every direction that you look in.
So I walked through with my head down with the idea that everyone knew I was shy, I kept to myself, instead of that I am a weak man who cannot bear to see another death today because one is enough and it has been a lot more than one.
Going into a morgue is bad, I know that, but a sick part of me actually felt relief to go into an empty room away from the chatter and panic of the staff and the radios and the patients and the tannoy announcements. Dead people don't tend to make a lot of sound and that suited me just fine.
But my sanctuary of silence wasn't all I thought it was going to be. I walked in with my eyes on my feet but as the door began to close I looked up, spotting a man curled up against the wall, a colourful mural of a animals covering it. The shock is what got to me first so an expletive "oh geez!" fell out of my mouth accompanied by a small smile at the sight of Dr. Robby, a man I considered myself to get along with quite well but Robby was not smiling and he was not looking at me. In fact, Robby was rocking back and forth muttering some kind of mantra and I didn't know what else to do but say "Dr. Robby?" hoping he would jump up from the floor, squeeze my shoulder and say 'don't worry kid, i'm all fine, nothing wrong here' and I could move on with my day.
His hand covered his eyes and his elbows rested on his knees and his shoulders were moving up and down in a way that is only explained by one thing: crying. So he was crying and muttering words that I didn't know, not English words and I didn't know what to do because what does anyone do when someone is crying let alone their boss who they kind of fancy?
"Dr. Robby, are you okay?" I asked him and wanted to slap myself in the face because of course he wasn't okay, idiot! His robe wass covered in blood, his head was hanging, if I could paint I would paint this scene to show someone what true despair looks like. He was a man hiding from the world and I was an idiot who brought the world into his space.
When he didn't answer, I took a couple of breaths as I looked around the room before pulling off my goggles to surrender a part of the outside horror and not bring it to him, he didn't need that from me. Actually, he didn't need anything from me, I'm probably the last person he would want to have beside him in a situation like this but I am the one who is here and I am not the man to walk away from someone, not when so many walked away from me.
I look back at the door as if to make sure the coast is clear, as if I was doing something wrong, and then I look back at Robby, the big, strong man who looks so small and young and vulnerable right now, and I decide that helping him could be illegal and I would still do it. So I walk over to him and I sit down beside him with a small gap between us and my back against the same wall. He sobs but he lowers his hands from his eyes to the Star of David hanging around his neck before letting out a quick breath. His body moved to the side slightly, away from me before he let out another sharp breath and tilted his head over his shoulder, almost to look at me.
"You have to go, you have to go. They need you out there." He told me quickly, quietly, breathlessly. His words shocked me and I quite literally twiddled my fingers because he is the one we need, the one that I need. He is the one that needs to be out there.
I thought it in my mind and most of the time that would be as far as I would go but not now, no, for once I was brave and I said "we need you out there" because he needed to hear it and I... wanted to say it.
He looked away from me again, shaking his head a little and letting his hand go up into his hair, grasping at it like he was trying to pull it out. I wanted to take his hand in mine, pull it away, let him use my hand as a stress ball, let him break every bone in my body if it made him feel better but I was powerless and I was weak and I didn't try to do that. Instead, he shook his head at me and pulled at his hair and I looked at him for another moment until I glanced out the door at the war zone beyond the glass.
I could be selfish and sit here with him for the next year of my life or I could do what I came here to do and help every person out there by getting him pack out onto the playing field. So I jumped up and I sighed and I held my hand out to him as I said "okay, come on, give me your hand." as if my body would drag his weight off the floor with no help.
He let out some kind of strained gulp before saying "I can't" in a teary voice, his eyes still not one me. He was probably embarrassed, he probably wanted to be swallowed by a black hole, but I was there and I was giving him no other option but to get up off the floor and help the people he swore to help.
"You have to." I told him and he let out a deep breath. That was a good sign, he was regulating his breathing, he was breathing period. "because if you don't, we're fucked." I told him honestly. The Pitt is nothing without Robby, everyone knows that, I'm pretty sure even Robby knows that.
This is what got him, he moved his head so he was looking at my legs before dropping his hand and looking up at me, at first my hand and then past it into my eyes. His tears gave his brown eyes a shine, a sparkle, something I shouldn't have found so beautiful given the circumstances but did, and something almost like a smirk was on his lips. He didn't look as sad as he did before, he looked entertained, and I got a warm feeling in my chest like pride at knowing it was me who did that for him.
He looked away again and then down and then at my hand again before shaking his head. He was weighing his options, I could tell, I had been noticing it all day. Then he began to blink away the tears and his hand reached for mine while the other went to the wall and I did my best to help him up off the floor, steadying him as best I could.
When he stood up, he turned his side to me, cowering inwards like he didn't want to see me, looking down at the floor again. The hand I used to steady him, the hand I held, pulled away ever so slightly, not even an inch, I could still feel its warmth on me, and then it pushed me in the chest so I was forced to take a few uneasy steps backwards and away from him.
It was a horrible feeling, to see someone like that at their worst and then to be shoved away like my job was done. I looked down at his knees for a brief moment almost as though I was checking that he would stay standing before I remembered why I was here in the first place and turned back, glancing again at Robby, to get the blankets.
I never have been good at hiding my emotions so if he did look at me he probably would have seen how much he hurt my feelings but, to Robby, I wasn't even in the room anymore. He was up off the floor and it was just him. I reminded myself that I was at the bottom of the food chain and in a few weeks I would be gone and he would be fine and he wouldn't even remember my name but I would remember his.
I pick the blankets up and look down at them in my bloodied hands before muttering "Okay" and then, louder, "see you out there, Captain." before making a speedy exit, not daring to look back, not letting myself even fantasise about the possibilities of what could happen. I didn't let myself think about wrapping my arms around him, cradling his head down into my neck, stroking his hair like my mom used to do when I was sick. I didn't let myself consider whispering sweet nothings into his ear as we rocked slowly. I didn't think about it and I couldn't let myself be distracted from my work so I did not look back at Dr. Robinavitch standing against the paintings of cartoon deer, covered in blood, whispering Hebrew, and crying even as much as I wanted to.
He may have been hurt but I comforted him and he hurt me right back.
I rushed back to the clown and laid the blanket across his lap before hearing "Any word yet on the guy who did this?" from a patient in the bed across from where I was standing so I replied "nothing yet" because it was true, even we were in the dark. The patient kept talking but I zoned out while taking a small blood sample from the clown because I couldn't get Robby's face out of my head.
I've felt the way he was feeling before but I didn't know that anyone else did. I had never seen anyone else ever looking like that other than when I would look in the mirror. It was all new to me because I knew how to deal with myself but never anyone else, especially not someone like Dr. Robby.
"You okay, Huckleberry?" I hear, suddenly right beside me. I didn't like the nickname at first but, amongst this chaos, it's kind of a nice bit of comfort.
"Yeah." I mutter, my eyes on what I'm doing.
"You sure?" she asks me again. "I know it's tough in there with all the... bodies." I watch her adjust her gloves, looking at me with that sympathetic look that people always give me so I just nod slowly and repeat "Yeah" to her.
I'm saved by a nurse yelling "Can I get help with a pressure dressing over here?" and rush off to move onto that, away from Trinity so I don't have to be subjected to any more questions that I really don't have the answer to.
*
I was hard at work, between two different beds with a nurse to help me, but I didn't miss Robby's reappearance. His hair looked like he had just woken up - I had a brief image of him getting out of bed in the morning fluttering behind my eyelids - and he was moving slowly but I could see him taking it all in, trying to see what he missed.
My eyes stayed on him as he walked past my beds, watching what we were doing before saying "Good job, Whitaker, Donahue." and maybe I made it up but I noticed some more emphasis on my name than on Donahue's and the look back Robby gave me as he walked away and my eyes trailed after him.
I could hear him. I couldn't see him but I could hear him making comments here and there, mostly words of encouragement for all of us to keep up the work, always aimed at people, and then I heard him shout something about a 'managerial ivory tower' and I was trying to focus but his voice was distinguishable from anyone else's maybe on the planet. I could have picked it out from a room of a million men.
About ten minutes later I could see him across the pit talking to Dana and Mel. I couldn't hear him but I couldn't take my eyes off of the way his mouth moved, the way he spoke so gently sometimes and so commanding other times. I didn't miss how his robe tied around his waist to show off his broad chest and shoulders and I didn't miss how he caught me staring. It was just a quick glance over Dana's shoulder but it was enough to make my cheeks burn red and my eyes to look anywhere but over there.
Only a few minutes later, everyone was crowding around Gloria at the nurse's station to hear "the shooter was neutralised" and I let out a shaky breath as I leaned against the wall behind her. The war was over. It was over but the soldiers are still injured and we still need to help.
"What's going on?" Robby asked as he approached us all standing a few feet in front of me to my right. He didn't look at me, his eyes stayed on Gloria as she said "SWAT found the shooter. Self-inflicted gunshot to the head."
I could have sworn it was happiness hiding on Robby's face. Maybe, like me, he was just relieved that this was it but his eyes moved over to the boy locked in one of the trauma rooms across the Pitt.
"He had a duffel bag full of ammo," Gloria continued. "He was in some bushes down by the river with his AR-15." He sighed and let his head hang down as Javadi asked a question and I took none of it in as I just stared at the way his nose curved and his lips pursed together and his top lip was covered by his facial hair.
He had grey hair patches in his beard but not as many as you would think for his age and his eyes were wide with something like youth as he looked at people as they spoke. The only words I heard were "Are we expecting any more victims?" in a tired voice and only because they came from him and I was staring at his lips as I leaned against the wall.
Gloria continued to talk and Robby pulled off his gown, nodding defeatedly and then saying "We need to prep to open back up to the public" which would have shocked me if it came from anyone else but it didn't from Robby. He's just non-stop like that. Or, really, stop-only-when-you-cant-breathe.
I walked away and began to process out all of my patients, hoping that I could still get out of here at a reasonable time and get some shut-eye before I had to be back in the morning. The idea of it felt wrong, we shouldn't just have to go straight back. We shouldn't be acting like any of this is normal but we don't have a choice. I wasn't even allowed sick days.
*
The next time I saw Robby, he was standing at the nurse's station talking to a woman, a very beautiful woman. They were emotional, they were close with each other. Of course, it makes sense that a man at his age and like him would be dating a beautiful woman like her but after all of the heartbreak of the day I just couldn't face that fact so I put my head down and I kept walking.
My worst nightmare happened when I was in the lift coming back down from delivering samples to the lab. I could hear his raised voice before the door even opened and when it did, he was standing there with Dr. Shen, clearly angry about something. I was not getting in the middle of it this time, I tried once and I got pushed away... literally. It was none of my business so I scooted around Shen but I could feel Robby's eyes on me and I could escape quick enough before I head "Hey, Whitaker." from behind me followed by the sound of his footsteps and that all too familiar feeling of his hand cupping my shoulder, his fingers grazing the bottom of my neck.
I wanted to shiver at the feeling but I would have been lying if I said it was out of anything but pleasure. "You got a minute?" he asked, his voice significantly quieter than what it was when talking to Shen.
"Yeah, yeah," I nodded because I don't think I could physically say 'no' to him even if I wanted to and I have never wanted to.
I do my best to keep my eyes on the floor in front of us as he steers my body, switching from one side to the other with his hand as he said "I just... wanted to say 'thank you' for earlier when I was... um," we stopped walking and somehow his hand made me face him but I looked around the Pitt, not willing to see those eyes that I once saw sparkle.
When he can't find the words I chuckled and said "Oh your brief moment of silent reflection?" as is if to suggest that it wasn't a big deal at all. I looked at his nose and his facial hair, anything to look at him but not at his brown eyes. I tried to savour the moment between us, to take in that he was still talking to me even though he was disgusted by me not even an hour ago and it was working until he said "Yeah. You didn't mention that to anybody?" and my entire body deflates.
It's not the first time I had heard it and it wouldn't be the last, I have long been a secret and had to keep secrets, but I had a ball of hope in my chest very briefly that Robby might be different. that our interactions could be as public as they way he touches me under the watchful eye of the staff. I knew it was different, that it was his secret to keep and it hurt nonetheless and in a different way as if he thought I was the kind of man who would go running to Princess and Lupe saying 'You'll never see what I just saw Doctor Robby do in the morgue!' and laugh at him from the nurse's station.
Luckily, my mouth worked faster than my brain as I quickly said "No, no. God, no. No." and he looked down at the floor before telling me "I don't know what that was, I was just- I felt like I was drowning." and all of my anger towards him dissipated because I remembered how it felt to drown in your own shit so much that you can't pull yourself out, I reminded myself that I have been Doctor Robby in that situation before and that I had no right to be angry about anything that he was feeling.
He looked at me, my eyes were on his lips and he pulled the bottom one into his mouth using his teeth. That could have seduced me alone.
"What was that you were reciting?" I asked him instead, to distract myself from the tender way he was looking at me with his head stooped ever so slightly that I'm almost sure no one else on planet earth would have noticed but I noticed because I noticed a lot about Robby, like I couldn't help it.
His body rocked back and forth as he told me "It's called the Shama prayer, it's a declaration of faith in God." His eyes wandered, not wanting to look at me. He was still disgusted by me. "I lived with my grandmother when I was little," He looked back at me so I looked away. "And she and I used to recite it every morning." It felt good to know something about him. It did not feel good to not be able to look at him in the eye right now.
"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall but those who hold hope in the Lord will renew their strength and soar on wings like eagles." I recited to him something that was recited to me as a child. My father always wanted me to be strong and I was, I am, but not in the same way. "It's Isaiah 40." I felt pathetic even saying that to him, it was stupid, but it's all I knew and all I could say and, instead of sharing something about my childhood with him like he did I said "I was an undergrad theology major" because it wasn't a lie and it was safer. I shook my head and said "I don't know why I said that." because he was just looking at me, not saying anything.
After a moment he shrugs and says "I don't know if I actually believe in God, especially on days like today." His eyes flick down to my hands and then back up to me. I realise that we are standing in the middle of chaos, talking about religion when we should be doing literally anything else but I don't want to walk away just yet.
"A wise man once told me that you learn to live with it, learn to accept it, and find balance if you can." I quote himself to him and a small smile appears on those lips that I can't take my eyes off of. "I hope we all do." I tell him but what I mean is 'I hope you do and I hope I do right beside you'.
He nods slowly, thoughtfully, and no more words come. It's not uncomfortable or awkward, it's simply just the end of the conversation so I nod once and I walk away with his eyes burning into my skin as I do.
The feeling of his hand lingered like a bruise as I got around to discharging and redirecting all of my patients. I kept rubbing my shoulder with my own hands trying to replicate what was missing but it didn't work, it never worked. Instead, I had to live with this empty void of need around my body as I powered through until, eventually, we all crowded around the nurse's station, around Robby when Dana yelled "Listen up!" and looked to Robby to say "you got it, Cap."
I stood to his left, a too-big hoodie around my body for warmth and eyebags that I could feel weighing me down. He cleared his throat and I wanted nothing more but for him to turn and look at me and talk to me directly but he didn't, of course he didn't, idiot. He rubbed his hands together, Dr Abbot looking at him with all the respect in the world, and said "Today should never have happened."
Honestly, he could have left it there, it perfectly sums up the day as a whole but he continued to say "It's impossible to imagine what would possess someone to commit such a horrific act." Everyone looked tired, defeated. We all wanted our beds and a warm meal. At that moment I couldn't ever imagine myself recovering from the day we had. "It's the worst of humanity," He said and inhaled deeply. "but it brought out the best in the rest of us."
I knew then that he was bullshitting. It's his job to keep us all motivated and I'm sure he saw good sides of people during all of this but Robby isn't the kind of man that would hear a sentence like that and make him feel better. Maybe he just thinks everyone else is.
"We saw our better angels come to the aid of our patients, each of you rose to the occasion." I could see something in his eyes and the way he was moving his head around that told me this man was about to cry because I had seen it now, I knew what was coming. "and I-" he glanced at me, he did. "I can't tell you how proud I am of all of you. This place will break your heart," he said, looking at Dana. "but it is also full of miracles and that is a testament to all of you coming together and doing what we do best." He takes a beat, a breath before adding "Thank you for everything you did here today. We saw one hundred and twelve mass casualty patients come through here in the last four hours," the number hits me in the chest, it's visceral, I even take a step backwards. "and a hundred and six of them are gonna live."
His voice broke. I wanted to run to him and throw my arms around his body especially when he pressed his lips together and tried to blink away the tears in his eyes as he looked down again, shaking his head. "none of us are gonna forget today..." He lifted his hands and rubbed his eyes, probably taking some tears with it too. "Even if we really, really want to." he exhaled. "So go home, let yourselves cry. You'll feel better. It's just grief..." his lip quivered and I felt powerless. "leaving the body."
He looked around at all of us, his eyes, teary and red, lingered on me for a moment before he turned around, into the arms of Dr Abbot and he walked away from us all. From me.
Everyone dispelled, heading in their own direction, everyone away from the Pitt to rest at last. My body felt weary but I didn't feel like I deserved the rest as I weaved through the patients in the waiting room and up the staircase on the opposite side.
I had been sleeping in the abandoned west wing of the hospital since I started at the hospital a couple of weeks before when my car broke down. I had been living in my car for months before that due to my lack of financial aid from anyone but myself and the occasional... friend. When my car broke down, I couldn't justify making the payments or paying for insurance so I sold it for scrap and took to squatting where I could and where it was safe.
I had scouted this place out when I heard they were waiting for the funding to go through for renovations and when I saw that they left the furniture and the water and electricity still worked, I couldn't help but settle here. It keeps me off the streets and behind locked doors. I'm safe here.
so I showered and I changed into sweatpants and an old talking heads tshirt I found in a donation bin behind the GoodWill one night last summer. I was comfortable and my body could rest but my mind was racing and my packet of cigarettes was flirting with me from the table beside the bed.
I picked it up along with my lighter and headed back to the stairs as I hummed a tune that I think I made up or played from the nurse's radio in the waiting room. Either way, I didn't have a name for it and I didn't care to name it. My only focus was on forcing my body up the stairs.
After what felt like years, I pushed open the door and the cold air hit me. I shivered but I wasn't really cold, I quite enjoyed the feeling. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, up to the sky, but my solitude didn't last long. Someone cleared their throat and when my eyes snapped open and my head turned towards the sound, there he was.
"Dr- Dr. Robby." I stuttered at my own words. He was looking at me over his shoulder as he stood on the other side of the railing, a breath from falling off.
"Whitaker," he said and I could have sworn he sniffled but he turned away from me too quickly to really see. "Here to enjoy the view?" he asked me and I began to step closer to him. I stepped slowly, not wanting to frighten him, until I reached the railing.
I noticed his stethoscope hanging from it and I brushed my fingers over the bit that looped over the railing before leaning beside it. How lucky of a thing it was to snuggle against his skin all day.
"I came for a smoke, do you want one?" I asked, offering the pack to him when he looked back again. Sure enough, his eyes were red and so was his nose.
"Why not?" he shrugged and took a step back so he could lean against the railing beside me. He was close, within reach, I could have reached out, held his arm with my hand. I could have reached into his hair, even his shoulder, like he did for me. he took a cigarette from my open packet and the lighter resting on top of it and I took a cigarette too, putting it between my lips to wait my turn.
He, however, did not give me my lighter back. He lit it and held it to my cigarette, making his face glow in my view. The last thing I needed was to see those brown eyes again but it felt good. God, it felt so good.
"Did you change?" he asked me and I noticed him pocket my lighter but I didnt ask for it back. If he wanted it, he could have it.
"Sorry?" I asked him and then took a deep drag of my cigarette as I watched him exhale a deep cloud of smoke.
"Your clothes," He pointed at me with his cigarette, his eyebrows low. "You weren't wearing those when you left the Pitt." So he was looking at me. I knew he had glanced at me but I hadn't actually thought that he was paying much attention to me.
"Yeah." I nodded but I didn't dare try and speak any more. I didn't want to risk tripping over my words and telling him that I was homeless and sleeping in the hospital. When I didn't say anything more he commented "I didn't think you would be the type to smoke." It wasn't a question, more of an observation. I didn't know what to say to it for a moment.
"I used to smoke with one of the boys from my town," I told him something true because I didn't earlier. "We had this barn in our bottom field that was pretty much abandoned and I fancied this boy, Thomas, he was a football player. So when he offered me a cigarette, I took it. I choked on it and almost threw up but he laughed and he kept coming over and he kept offering me cigarettes and I kept taking them." I explained to him, my eyes on the city in the distance as I felt his eyes on me. I couldn't look at him, I just hinted at being gay and I couldn't look at him in the face lest he read my mind and realised that what I wanted to say was 'yes I like men and I know you don't think you do but I could help you find out. you could use me as an experiment, I wouldn't mind'.
Instead, I said "It worked until one day he came over and took me to the barn where two other boys were waiting for me. They beat me up and my brothers found me laying in a pool of blood in the hay." I shook my head and looked down at my hands and the amber glow of the cigarette. "Sorry, I don't know why I told you that."
"Why did he do it?" Robby asked me instead of the scolding I had begun to imagine in my head.
"One of the boys on his team saw us... kissing one day. He lied and told them I forced myself onto him." I scoffed and shook my head at the idea. "I mean I was half his size, it made no sense, but I suppose none of them wanted to believe that one of their kind could like a boy. They were blinded by their ignorance and I got the brunt of it." If I had told this story even a year before, I might have cried but my body was full of anger, not tears. I was so young, so small, had no way to defend myself- "What did your brothers do?" Robby asked to cut me off of my stream of thoughts.
"Nothing," I shook my head. "I told them I fell from the rafters while being an idiot. They didn't believe me but I wouldn't tell them what really happened so there was nothing they could do."
"Why didn't you say something?" he asked, his voice nothing more than a whisper.
"I was fifteen, I thought I was in love." I scoffed again before taking a long drag. "Maybe I was."
"No, no," his hand touched my elbow with purpose. There was no other explanation for his two fingers to lay against my bare skin. It was bad enough with clothes on. "It wasn't love, you don't do that to people you love."
I looked down at his skin against my skin. I couldn't think straight with him touching me. "You should know that." He said to me and I could feel his breath on my ear.
"Why?" I asked, my own voice breathy. I glanced at him, his eyes were glazed over and he stared down at me. I felt so small under his gaze, I could feel him examining me as he said "You're twenty five-"
"Twenty six." I corrected him.
"You're twenty six, you're trying to tell me you've never been in love?" He asked and my breath caught in my throat at the idea of talking love with him. "Whitaker."
"Sorry, no, no," I shook my head quickly. "I haven't." His eyebrows raised at my statement and then he looked away from me and I once again admired his side profile. "Some people never find love." I said to him as if it were meant to be a comfort for one of us.
"You... shouldn't think that Whitaker." He said, something stern in his voice.
"Why? Do you know it?" I asked and it came off harsh without meaning to. I looked out again at the city. I wasn't saying I could love him, I didn't think that, but I could listen to him talk about his love and pretend it was me. I didn't think he was going to answer me, it was none of my business, but then he said "I've been in love a couple of times. Jake's mom... I got close with her."
"What happened?" I asked him but immediately regretted it and added "You don't have to tell me."
"I... realised I liked men." He admitted and I had to clear my throat so I wouldn't choke on my own breath. "It didn't feel fair to stay with her when I was so curious so I came out to her and I left on good terms." he must have been able to read the look on my face because he told me "finding out you're bisexual at forty-five isn't for the weak."
"Weak isn't a word I would use to describe you." I said to him and regretted it. He must have thought I was such a loser and showed that by mockingly asking "No?" I just shook my head. "How would you describe me, Dennis?" hearing my name from his mouth was what I imagined being shocked by a defibrillator feels like. It was like my entire body had new life breathed into it.
"No, don't." I shook my head at him, my cheeks burned bright red and I looked away to puff on my cigarette again as he asked "Don't, what?" I didn't answer him. I didn't dare see what would fall out of my mouth if I opened it. "Have I embarrassed you, Dennis?" he asked, moving his hand up and squeezing my elbow before leaving it sat there. I didn't pull away. "Why did you change your clothes?"
"I had a shower." I muttered back.
"You don't have a shower at home?" He asked. He was asking a lot of questions and I didn't know why, I just assumed he was trying to get his mind off of today so I answered "Best not to contaminate my home with my work."
"And where is home?" I shook my head again. "Secretive."
"You just don't want to know."
"I am asking, aren't I?" he said, looking at me again and I met his eyes too. He raised his eyebrows and I still didn't answer. "Why do you think that people don't care even when they ask you things?"
"About my address? Because they don't tend to." I told him and he was quick to say "but I do." I couldn't bring myself to lie to him so I just didn't answer but that didn't stop him "or are you homeless?" my silence must have been something different now because his head tilted to the side and when I looked at him he had something sad in those brown eyes. "I'm sorry." he muttered and I shrugged. "Where have you been sleeping?"
"The west wing." I said, looking down again.
"Here?" he asked and I nodded once. "That won't do. Get your things."
"What?" I asked and put my cigarette out on the railing before dropping it onto the floor.
"You can stay at mine, I have a spare room." He offered to me and I began shaking my head. "I'm not asking, Whitaker, I'm your boss."
"I'm not at work." I said and he rolled his eyes when I looked at him. "You are." he said before adding. "I am not leaving you here, it's not safe."
"It's fine, I've been here for two weeks already."
“Two weeks?” He asked and I nodded in reply. It was at this point that I became too tired to even try and lie to him so I stopped. “How do you do your laundry?”
“Sneak to the basement.” I shrugged. “If I go between five and six then there’s no one there.”
“You’ll stay with me.” He said again and I still didn’t want to accept it but I couldn’t see him giving in and I was too tired to argue. “Come on,” he told me as he ducked beneath the railing, flicking his cigarette someone far away and forgotten. “Get your stuff, I’ll make you dinner.”
“No.” I said and it comes out louder than I intended it to. “No, I’ll cook, I can cook.”
“You can?” he asked, an eyebrow raised in intrigue and I quickly answered “Some things, yes”. he chuckled at this, a hearty chuckle, looking down at me as he stood so very close but not touching. “Like what?”
“Pasta.” I whispered because it sounded stupid as soon as I said it out loud. “or anything.” I shrugged and he chuckled again. “Come on,” he told me, reaching for my shoulder again. “You must be cold.”
“I’m fine,” I lied as I shook my head but he began to steer me towards the staircase anyway. “Do you have enough clothes?” he asked me and I shrugged again. “I can give you some of mine, they’ll be too big but they’ll be yours and… that’s something.”
“They’ll still be yours, actually,” I pointed out to him as we stepped through the door and I went first down the stairs. “but i appreciate it.”
“You can make me dinner to repay me.” He said, closely behind me. It almost sounded flirty but I shook it off and led him to the room I had been staying in.
The door closed behind him when we walked in and he looked around at the clothes and junk food laying around. “Have you been eating properly?” He asked me, picking up a box of lucky charms from the foot of the bed. “I eat at the cafeteria.” I told him, picking up my backpack and beginning to shove clothes into it. “For lunch but what about breakfast and dinner?” He pressed further and I ducked into the bathroom to take whatever toiletries I had. “I don’t know, I just make do.” I told him, rolling my eyes to myself. I heard him chuckle behind me before he said “This is not making do. God, i’m going to have to feed you up.”
“And you won’t catch me complaining.” I told him as I turned again, my backpack already full of my worldly possessions. “Is that it?” he asked and I nodded as he looked at me with sympathy. I usually hated it but, from Robby’s eyes, I didn’t mind. “Okay,” he nodded. “I’ll have some clothes from college that might be better. Still too big but… better than now.” He said and my eyebrows knitted together, not understanding what he was saying. “I’ve gotten fat in my old age.”
“You’re forty-“
“Fifty.” he corrected me just as I did only a few minutes ago.
“You’re fifty and you’re not fat.” I told him and he shrugged, clearly not believing what I said. “Trust me, I’ve seen fat guys, it’s not you.” I doubled down and, still, he didn’t accept it. “Come on, I'm getting hungry.” he told me and I followed his lead out of the room, leaving only remnants of junk food and dirty sheets. “You’ll have to excuse my mess, I don’t remember how i left the place.” he said as we walked towards the elevator together. “I live alone so I don’t usually have to think about these things.”
I cleared my throat when we stepped into the elevator and said “Um, I can't… I can't pay you rent.” He laughed. He actually laughed out loud at this. He laughed basically in my face until he realised I wasn’t laughing and whispered “Sorry, sorry,” and coughed. “I thought you were kidding. I don’t want money, I’ll have you in my spare room until we find you a place to live.”
“I can’t go to a shelter, I did that and-“
“How long have you been homeless?” He asked me and I looked down at my feet. “Since I left college.” I ran my hands up my own arms to try and settle the goosebumps but he noticed too quickly and began to shrug off his zip-up. I didn’t really notice what he was doing until he handed it to me and nodded for me to put it on so I handed him my backpack and did just that, letting it swallow my body before pulling the backpack back on. “So five years?” he asked and I nodded. “What did you do before this?”
“I had a car,” i told him. “and then I jumped around shelters and… friends places.” I lied and his face told me that he thought there was more to the story but I didn’t say anything else. “What about your parents?”
“I don’t talk to them.” I shake my head. “and I only talk to one of my brothers.”
“How many are there?” he asked and I was silent for a moment before I said “I'm the youngest of four.”
“Wow.” He breathed out and I nodded. The elevator door opened and I followed his lead out of the doors in front of us into the cold night and across the lot to a large red pickup. “Sorry, it’s a bit messy.” He said when we both climbed in but it was only a few Dr. Pepper cans and some napkins, nothing actually messy. I’ve lived in worse places. “It’s nice.” I told him and he sent me an appreciative smile. He had no reason to appreciate me, though. “Well come to work together until you find somewhere new, if anyone asks we’ll just say that you’re on my way so we’re carpooling, okay?” he asked and I nodded as he pulled out of the lot and onto the street. “No one at work knows I like men so it’s not suspicious or anything, not that… I mean, not that that’s what this is but I didn’t want to give them any more reason to gossip.”
“I get it.” I said. “I haven’t told anyone either.”
“So we’re just two dudes who carpool.” He said and that made me chuckle. “Cool.” He muttered to himself and kept driving. The radio played a station I’ve never heard of but he didn’t change it and he didn’t turn it up either, it was at a level that we could talk over if we wanted to but I didn’t much feel like talking after the day we had.
When he pulled up to a curb I looked at the building beside us. It was a nice residential apartment block. As I was taking it in he was already getting out so I quickly followed him, jogging up the path after him. “It’s nothing special,” he said as he unlocked the front door. “I have a spare key i can give you for now too, just so you’re not locked in or out.” He rambled, leading the way along the hallway past one apartment. There was a set of stairs to the right but we ignored them and went to the second apartment downstairs at the back of the building.
When he opened the door, it looked pretty much how I expected. The space was basic, a nice couch, coffee table, tv, and then the kitchen off to one side. Then I spotted the hallway. “Your room is on the left, mines the right. I have an en-suite so the main bathroom is all yours.” He explained to me as he put his bag on the arm of the couch and began to kick off his shoes. “Come on.” he urged me, leading me down the hallway. When he opened the door, I didn’t realise it would be this nice. A large double bed sat in the middle of the room with a cloud-like duvet on top. There were two nightstands, a large dresser, a wardrobe, and a large window looking out into the garden at the back of the building. “What’s wrong?” he asked, my eyes had been lingering on the bed.
“I’ve never had my own room before.” I told him. “Other than at the hospital. I shared with my brothers growing up, had a roommate in college, and then lived in my car. So… thank you.” I said and looked at him to see that sad look in his eyes. “Sorry.” I muttered.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” He told me. “Do you want to wash your clothes?”
“Yeah, that would be great.” I agreed and followed him again back into the hallway where he opened a closet to reveal a washer and dryer as well as everything I would need so I knelt down in front of him as he explained how it worked and I put a wash on. When I stood up again he said “I'm going to start on dinner, you should shower.”
“I said I would cook.” I immediately argued and he shook his head.
“You can cook tomorrow but tonight you need to just get used to the place and relax. You had a long day.” He said and I quickly countered it with “So did you.”
“Yes but cooking relaxes me.” and I had nothing to argue back to that. “There should be towels in there.” He pointed to the door that I guessed was the bathroom and I headed towards it, leaving Robby in his hallway in his apartment where I was now staying.
I began the shower but turned to face myself in the mirror. My eyebags were full and I looked physically tired but Robby hadn’t mentioned that. I supposed it was my right when we had a day like we did. I needed to get it together and not think about how Dr. Robby was about to be sleeping twenty feet away from and getting naked in the room right next to mine. I needed to stop thinking about the fact that my intuition was wrong and he did like men and I was a man who liked him.
When I had stared at myself for long enough I shed my clothes and stepped into the hot shower. I savoured it for a long while, letting my entire body heat up even though I had already showered at the hospital but there water pressure was awful and there was no driftwood scented body wash like there was here. So I lathered myself in it and the rinsed it off and when i stepped out, I realised that all I had in here were the clothes I wore to smoke in and it felt like a waste to smell so good and the cover it in cigarette-smelling clothing.
“Dr Robby!” I called from the bathroom door with a towel wrapped around my waist. “Dr. Robby!”
“Yeah?” He called back to me from the living area of the apartment.
“Can i have some clothes?” I asked him.
“I can’t hear you!” He came back to me almost immediately so I asked again “Can i have some clothes?”
“I can’t hear you Whitaker, come here!” He told me and I looked down and my half naked body before thinking ‘he’s a doctor, he’s seen a lot worse’ and stepping out into the hallway.
“What were you-“ He cut himself off. “Whitaker, you’re naked.”
“I’m not!” I protested. “I have a towel, that’s why I was yelling.”
“Oh, you need clothes!” He said like he just remembered and I could feel my cheeks growing red hot and embarrassed. It probably spread over my entire body. “I'm sorry, I couldn’t hear over the fan.” He said and I looked at the chicken he was cooking on the stove but when I looked back at him I caught his eyes lingering… on my abs. They’re only slight but they’re there, okay? When he looked into my eyes again, he smiled like he had been caught before saying “Let me see what I have,” and leaving the chicken to walk past me, his arm brushing against mine as he did.
I followed him to his room which was almost identical to the guest room other than the two doors on the far wall. One of which being his en-suite and the other his wardrobe i’m guessing. I was right about one when he opened his wardrobe door and walked in, immediately rummaging.
“Here!” He exclaimed and held up an old Pittsburgh sports t-shirt. I didn’t recognise the team and I wouldn’t expect myself to but he threw it at me and I caught it with the hand that wasn’t holding my towel up. “And…” he said, spinning around. “These!” He threw me an old pair of basketball shorts with an adjustable waist so that would do.
“Thank you.” I said and quickly scurried off to my room opposite, closing the door and speedily pulling on the clothes.
I took another deep breath as I tightened the shorts around waist and then looked around the room, the empty room. It must have felt like what staying in a hotel felt like if my biggest crush in the world was staying next door. It was stupid really, I didn’t know him that well, he didn’t know me, but I liked him, I liked him a lot. He’s handsome and funny and had a way of commanding an entire room of people even in the midst of what felt like an apocalypse. There was just something inherently attractive about that. Plus, I hadn’t been laid in weeks.
“Hey,” he smiled at me as I walked back into the kitchen. “Are those okay?” I nodded immediately, looking down at the clothes on my own body. “Dinner will be done soon, it’s just chicken and pasta. I’ve done some garlic bread too.”
“I love garlic bread.” I told him to show him approval in my own way. “When was the last time you had a home-cooked meal?” He asked and I shrugged my shoulders. “Am I talking about it too much?”
“No, you have every right to ask questions.” I said and leaned my hip against the counter I was standing at. He looked over and down my body but I didn’t feel judged enough to move and even if I did I probably would have stayed anyway, my body was exhausted.
“I don’t feel sorry for you.” He told me, adding something into the pan. “I mean, of course no one wants to be unhoused and it is a horrible situation but I'm not doing this because I think you can’t cope yourself. You have been for years and just because I give you a bed for a couple of nights, that doesn’t mean I've saved you and it doesn’t take away from everything you’ve done for yourself. It just means that I can help and I want to help. You didn’t need to tell me at all and that’s brave.”
“Thanks.” I muttered, looking down at my feet on the small area rug between the counter and the island. “The second you want me gone, I’ll go.”
“I don’t want you to go.” He shook his head at me, he seemed offended that I had even suggested the idea. "To be honest Whitaker, with our schedules, if you’re quiet and clean, you could probably stay forever and I wouldn’t even notice.”
“thanks,” i chuckled “but i wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Why? Are you messy?” He asked and I glanced back to the coffee table where empty takeout containers and beer bottles are sitting as I said “No more than you.”
“Hey, hey, that’s not fair! I didn’t know I'd have a guest today.” He defended himself through laughter and I conceded with a raised hand and a nod of my head. “Dinner's ready.” He said and turned off the stove before reaching into the cupboard beside him for two bowls. “How hungry are you?”
“Starving.” I replied back quickly and watched the way his hands moved intently as he plated up our food. It was almost surgical, like everything he was doing could affect someone’s life. “For you,” he said a second later, handing me a bowl and opening the drawer to hand me a fork too. “I usually sit on the couch but we can sit at the table.”
“Couch is fine.” I agreed and started to make my way over there. I could feel him staring but when I sat down and looked back at him, he was looking away. He was probably rethinking everything, doubting himself for bringing me here. I didn’t say anything so I didn’t burst the bubble or ruin the possibility of sleeping here, I just folded my legs beneath my body and a bite of the creamy pasta with some of the chicken. I hummed loudly. I couldn’t help it, it just happened. The food was so delicious that my body was reacting by itself.
“It’s good?” Robby asked as he walked over to me too, carrying two beer bottles.
“It’s delicious.” I nodded and took the beer he offered me.
He was quick to turn the tv on and we sat in silence. It wasn’t awkward, we were both eating, but I did find myself thinking about everything before i did it. I felt like he was watching me even though every time I glanced over, his eyes were fixed on the tv screen.
I ate every bit of food in my bowl and had to physically hold myself back from licking it while Robby watched some British show about cars that I’d never heard of before but when he was done eating, he placed the bowl on the small free space on the coffee table and looked at me. This time, when I looked at him, he didn’t look away and I waited for him to say something, feeling myself shrink beneath his gaze.
“Ask me.” he told me and my mind started racing with possible questions that he would want me to ask. Of course, my first thought was sexual. I mean, here he was, cozied up on his own couch, the largest arms I’d ever seen basically squeezing out of his black t-shirt and one muscular leg folded over the other. “What?” I squeaked out and he glanced down at his lap before he said “I’ve asked you a lot, so ask me something.”
The possibilities were endless and I considered a lot but not much of it was very appropriate. So, after a moment of thinking, I asked “the way I found you today, does that happen often?”
“No,” he shook his head and I do think he meant it. “Not often but occasionally. I don’t know what it is but, on particularly bad days, I just feel like I'm drowning and everyone is screaming and I can’t breathe or catch a moment of silence.”
“I know that feeling.” I told him and he quickly replied “You do?” so I nodded. “Have you gotten over it?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Started when I was really young and doesn’t happen as often but it does happen.”
“Is that why you knew what to do?” He asked and I shook my head again. “But you did so well.”
“No one has ever seen me like that,” I told him. “I didn’t know what to do at all, I just tried to figure out what you needed.”
“You did good, Whitaker.” He told me and I nodded as a way to thank him. “Why do you get yours?” he asked me and a series of memories appeared in my mind. “You don’t have to talk about it.”
“I can’t.” I said to him because i’d never said it out loud, I didn’t even know if it was possible. “That’s okay.” he quickly told me. “I’ll do the dishes in the morning, I think we should hit the hay.”
“Okay.” I agreed with him. So we both stood up from the couch and he took my bowl from my had before i could argue with him. “Hey, Dr. Robby?”
“Just Robby, Whitaker. If you’re living with me it’s just Robby.” He said over his shoulder as he placed the things on the counter.
“Okay, then you should call me Dennis.” I told him. “Thank you for letting me stay here. I don’t remember the last time I had a real bed… to myself anyway.” I mumbled the last part but by the way he turned around and leaned back against the counter, I figured he heard it. He crossed his arms and his eyes shone in that way that they did.
“You’ve shared a bed with someone recently?” he asked me, more sad than anything which I didn’t understand but I think it’s because he knew what I was talking about. My suspicion was proved correct when he asked me “Do you sleep with people so you have somewhere to stay?”
“Only when my back hurts or I haven’t had a warm shower in a while.” I admitted to him, looking down at my bare feet against his hardwood floors. “It’s not who I am, I just… loads of people do it.”
“I know.” he nodded slowly. “God, I should’ve met you sooner.”
“It’s not your fault.” I told him, looking back up at him.
“I know, it’s not just that, it’s…” his words disappeared and I wanted him so badly to finish that sentence but he never did.
“I did okay, didn’t I?” I asked jokingly but it was true. Some people die on the streets, others start to sell their bodies. I just used to hook up with guys so i had somewhere to stay occasionally. It could have been a lot worse.
“You did great, Dennis.” he said, all too serious. “Get some sleep, we have to be back at the hospital soon.”
“Yeah, okay.” I nodded. “Goodnight, Robby.”
"Night Dennis.”