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Robert knew it was going to happen at some point, Chas had been banging on for weeks about it, telling anybody who would listen: My boy’s coming home soon. He’s coming to visit and I’m going to get him to stay. So he can’t say he wasn’t warned. It’s one thing to know it’s happening in a far-off nebulous way, and another to experience it.
Vic had told him to get out of the house for a bit, away from the farm that tends to rule his days and his life. Jack’s legacy, living on through his only blood-related son. He’s in the pub, where else does a young, virile, small village-based farmer go in his spare time? Turns out, he should have decided to forgo tradition. He’s on his second pint, letting Vanessa’s chatter about the cats she’s been helping out wash over him, and he’s planning to call it a night after this one. Farm work can’t get delayed just because he fancies a night out. Suddenly, Chas is squealing in a borderline non-human way and running out from behind the bar. Robert’s whole body stops moving, his pint freezing halfway to his mouth. That reaction can only mean one thing.
Robert mentally calculates whether he can escape through the back before Aaron Livesy inevitably steps into the building.
No chance.
Chas drags Aaron into the middle of the pub, her arms locked around his head and neck so he can’t escape.
“My baby! My baby’s home!” Chas sing-songs.
Robert slides further down his seat, trying to become invisible. Aaron is hitting at his mum’s arm, like a wrestler tapping out when they know they’re defeated, struggling out of her hold. She lets him go only so she can cup his face in both hands and squeeze him.
“Oh my god, you look so grown-up.”
“Alright, mum, I get it,” Aaron laughs the same as he did when he was young; sounding like it’s been dragged out of him unexpectedly.
Chas lets him go except for a hand wrapped around his arm, scared of him disappearing when she’s just got him back. Robert gets an unhindered look at Aaron for the first time in four years.
It’s unfair that he somehow looks fitter than the day he left. His jawline is sharper, his beard grown-in properly - no longer patchy like it was during his teen years - and neatly trimmed, his shoulders are broader, and he’s standing with a confidence that Robert doesn’t remember him having.
“I can’t help it. Look at you!”
Robert’s looking.
☀︎
Robert and Andy get to travel by themselves the September after Andy moves in. Before that, Sarah or Jack would take Robert and Victoria in their car, first to Connelton Primary then carrying on to Hotten Comp. Usually, Robert would end up late because Victoria cries every morning before she has to go into the building. But now Robert and Andy are brothers and they get to take the bus together.
They’ve brought their comic books with them to read on the journey to Hotten. Robert’s got his brand new Batman that Sarah had brought home for him as a special back-to-school gift. Issue 617 that will be read, enjoyed, then carefully put into the box under his bed that’s starting to burst at the seams. Andy is borrowing Robert’s last month’s Daredevil because he likes reading them but doesn’t like to spend money on them for himself. Robert doesn’t mind sharing as long as Andy doesn’t ruin them. He hasn’t so far. They get to talk for hours about their favourite superheroes. Jack thinks superheroes and comics are a waste of time and Victoria’s too much of a girl to understand them properly but Andy loves them almost as much as Robert does.
Robert takes both comic books and puts them into the plastic wallet he’s brought to protect them.
“You’re so weird about them, Rob.” Andy says, swinging his backpack onto his shoulder as he stands and watches Robert.
“I can’t reread them if they get ripped, can I?”
“Jack thinks they’d make good kindling for the fireplace.”
Robert’s mouth pulls into a frown. His dad has told him before that he should spend his pocket money on something more useful and he always sighs when Robert has to ask for more money for a bus fare to Hotten. Robert is used to ignoring the opinion of Jack Sugden; he’s had twelve years of practice. He’ll have to teach Andy how, too.
Navigating the halls of Hotten Comprehensive was not Robert’s strong suit in his first year. He’d struggled to make friends outside of the other kids from the village, preferring to stay in that safe crowd rather than branch out. Now, though, he has Andy his built-in best friend who goes to the same house as him! Robert shows Andy the way to their first class - being the one who knows more makes Robert feel powerful - and they wait outside for the teacher to let them in.
Andy’s sitting on the windowsill with his backpack beside him and Robert’s leaning on the wall with his arms folded, people-watching. A group of big lads, Year Elevens that Robert remembers dreading getting on the wrong side of the year before, walk past whooping and hollering and throwing a heavy-looking metal water bottle back and forth. Robert likes to think of them as the henchmen in videogames who are all brawn, no brains. He doesn’t want to get on the wrong side of them but he’ll surpass them soon enough. Sarah always tells him that he’s destined for greater things. He still holds his breath when they pass, not wanting them to notice him.
They’re about seven strides away when a scrawny little black-haired kid skids to a stop right in front of Robert and Andy.
“Oi!” He shouts to the group of lads, “Give that back!”
They stop and turn back. Robert tries to activate any chameleon DNA he may possess to blend into the wall. Five of them, all at least double the height of this kid, nudge each other and laugh.
“What did you say, you little runt?”
The boy puffs himself up, not adding much to his very short stature,
“I’m not afraid of you. Give me my water bottle.”
He takes a brave step toward the group.
“It’ll be in a bin somewhere. If you can find it, you can have it back.”
“That’s not nice.” Andy hops off the windowsill and stands next to the kid. “Give him his bottle back.”
Robert’s stomach clenches nervously. He doesn’t want to get involved.
“Oh, you want it back, yeah? Take it.”
The bottle gets launched at Andy’s face, losing height just in time and colliding with his chest instead.
The scrawny kid snatches it up from where it lands on the floor, running his thumb over the dent now caved into the base.
“Dad’s gonna be mad.” Robert hears him mutter to himself.
The Year Elevens are already gone.
“Are you alright?” Andy asks the kid.
The kid shoves him in the chest and Andy stumbles backwards to where Robert still hasn’t unstuck himself from the wall.
“Didn’t need any help.”
The kid stalks off in the opposite direction.
Andy and Robert are eating lunch in the courtyard together. Sarah has packed them matching lunches, Andy’s box is green and Robert’s is blue.
They’ve not even finished eating but Andy goes,
“Ey, isn’t that the kid from earlier?”
Robert turns to where Andy is pointing and yeah, there’s the same kid walking along the edge of the courtyard, pushing at the fence every so often.
“He’s breaking out of here!” Andy exclaims, “Come on. Let’s go with him!”
“What?”
Robert’s question falls on deaf ears. Andy has grabbed his lunch box and bag and starts running across the courtyard. Robert scrambles to follow him, dropping his crisps packet but he doesn’t give it more than a passing thought because he’s chasing Andy.
When Robert catches up, they’re already halfway through a tense conversation,
“My cousin told me there’s a gap in the fence, mate. If you’re coming, help me find it.”
“Andy,” Robert grabs his brother’s arm and tries to pull him back, “we’re going to get into trouble.”
Andy shakes him off. The kid snorts derisively in Robert’s direction,
“You bringing ‘im?” he says to Andy.
The bell has rung and the courtyard is devoid of all human life except the three of them when Andy throws himself at a piece of fence behind a bin and it gives.
“Ah, Aaron-” because the kid’s introduced himself now. Aaron Livesy, year seven, new today. “It’s here!”
“Ace! Let’s go!”
Aaron throws his backpack through and crawls after it, jumping up on the other side and whooping at the top of his lungs. Andy follows, no questions asked.
“Rob? Are you coming?”
Robert dithers; he really should go to class. His mum and dad had been very clear that he had to behave himself.
“Rob? You’ve missed maths anyway, just come with us.”
Andy crouches to hold up the broken fence and Robert has no choice, in the end.
☀︎
“A pint for my big grown-up rally-cross mechanic, Diane!” Chas demands, pushing Aaron toward one of the bar stools.
“Uh, you’re going to have to make it two pints.”
“What?”
It’s less a question and more a demand for information when it comes out of Chas’ mouth. Robert doesn’t want to hear anymore. That was enough, thank you very much. Aaron has a girlfriend. Fine. Expected, in fact, given how good he looks. Just ‘cause Robert has pathetically never been able to shake off the hold Aaron has on him, doesn’t mean it was ever mutual.
Aaron scratches the back of his neck in an endearingly awkward way. Chas is practically vibrating with excitement now.
“Yeah, I… I met someone. We’ve been together nine months now so I thought it were time to introduce them to you and scare ‘em off.”
“Well, where is she then?” Cain asks from the other end of the bar, “You know forgetting ‘em at the airport tends to be a dealbreaker.”
Aaron huffs a laugh,
“Just getting the bags into the B&B, I figured I should pre-warn you all.”
Aaron sweeps his eyes around the room at large and Robert’s sure it’s wishful thinking but he seems to falter when he sees him. Robert averts his gaze immediately, finding the beer mat he’s not using immensely interesting all of a sudden. He never should have let Vic talk him into having a night off.
The door slams open again and Robert feels every muscle in his body tense. Here she is. The stunner that Aaron’s met on his motorsport travels; the young, fit mechanic covered in grease could probably pull any girl he comes across.
“Mum said she’d seen your ugly mug getting out of a taxi!” comes the excited, familiar, and distinctly male voice of Adam Barton.
Robert’s experienced enough of Adam Barton to last him three lifetimes. What with him always being around the house seeing Vic, and working for Robert when he needs it, he didn’t need the reminder that Adam had, once upon a time, been Aaron’s replacement for him.
Aaron turns and his face brightens,
“Ad!”
He’s moving, his whole body fluid and lacking the urgency that he always carried as a teenager, to hug Adam tightly. As if they’d never been apart, falling back into place beside each other like two pieces of the same puzzle.
“I’ve missed you, mate.” Adam says, inhaling deeply like he can steal a piece of Aaron to keep with him, tucked safely in the space between his nostril and his eyes.
Robert knows for a fact that Adam has been to visit Aaron multiple times over the years, as recently as four months ago. He wouldn’t stop banging on about how beautiful France was, and how cool Aaron’s job is, and all the hikes they’d been on. Hikes. Robert would rather cover himself in petrol and play with matches. He must have met Aaron’s girlfriend. Probably started up a funny, playful flirty thing with her that Aaron, well-adjusted as he seems, would just laugh at. Completely safe in the comfort of his best friend and the partner he deems serious enough to bring home to his mum. As Robert scowls at the thought, a realisation hits him. Vic went too. Four months ago, Vic and Adam had gone to visit France.
She never said anything.
Robert feels a stab of betrayal deep in his gut.
☀︎
“Dad!” Andy hollers, “Me and Rob are going to ride our bikes.”
Robert’s already holding them both outside the house, Andy’s got one foot in and one foot out, yelling to Jack somewhere beyond.
“Alright. Don’t get into trouble. Back before tea.”
The usual rules.
Andy slams the front door behind him and grabs his bike from Robert.
“Should we call by the pub?” Robert asks, “See if Aaron wants to come.”
Aaron lives with his dad, really, somewhere on the far side of Hotten. Robert’s never been invited to his dad’s house. But when Aaron has to visit his mum, he stays at the pub. They’re Robert’s favourite days because Aaron’s always trying to find a reason to be out of the house at his mum’s and usually Robert is that reason.
“Sure.” Andy agrees easily. “Race ya!”
Robert wins.
Andy cycles around the pub car park in circles and Robert, staying straddled over his bike, leans over to knock on the pub’s back door. It opens a few moments later, Carl King looks down at Robert like he’s something disgusting landed on the doorstep.
“Aaron in?” Robert asks, grinning up at him in the way that always gets him an extra biscuit from his mum, along with a comment about what a little devil he is.
Carl’s nose wrinkles up and he turns back into the house,
“Aaron. It’s for you.”
Carl disappears and Aaron comes into view, putting his middle finger up to Carl’s back. Robert giggles and Aaron turns to him.
“Hi, Robert.”
“Me ‘n Andy are goin’ to ride about in the top field. Wanna come?” Robert jerks his thumb over his shoulder to gesture to Andy.
“Don’t have a bike.”
“Bring ya skateboard.”
Aaron nods,
“Alright. Give me a sec.”
He runs back into the building. Robert hears some crashing about that can’t indicate anything good, and a bellow of,
“Mum! I’m goin’ out!”
Then Aaron’s stepping outside with a grin and putting his skateboard down,
“Let’s go.”
Aaron’s skateboard doesn’t travel very well on the grass of the top field so he skates back and forth on the roadside while Robert and Andy race to finish lines that keep moving. After a while, Robert sees Aaron sit down with his skateboard next to him.
“Andy!” He calls.
Andy skids to a stop dangerously close to Robert’s legs.
“What?”
“I’m goin’ to sit with Aaron a bit. He’s been alone for ages.”
“‘Kay.”
Robert walks his bike back up the small hill and lets it fall to the ground, plopping himself down beside Aaron.
“Hi,”
“Hi. You got bored?” Robert asks.
Aaron shrugs. He runs his hands through the grass next to him. Robert feels an inexplicable urge to hold one of his hands. Like his mum and dad do.
“We can go somewhere else.” Robert pushes,
“Nah, you’re alright. You two are enjoyin’ it.”
“I’ll enjoy it more if you’re joinin’ in.”
“I’ve got something for you.” Aaron says suddenly.
“You do?” Robert begins to feel slightly giddy. Aaron’s bought him a present.
“Yeah. I ain’t got one for Andy, though, so I’ll give it ya now.”
Aaron’s hand goes to one of the leg pockets of his cargo trousers. Robert thinks they must be hand-me-downs from someone because they don’t fit Aaron at all. They’re so long they’re rolled up at the bottom and the waistband has been tied with a hairband so they don’t fall down - Robert knows because Vic does that sometimes, it must have been Chas done it for Aaron.
Aaron struggles for a second but manages to retrieve whatever he’s stuffed in there.
“Here.” Aaron says quickly, shoving whatever it is toward Robert.
Robert catches it with clumsy hands. He looks down at it and feels a bit confused.
“You bought me a CD?”
“No, I- It’s stupid. I burned a bunch o’ songs on it. Used one of dad’s old discs, he won’t miss it.”
The case has a big crack down the middle and the hand-drawn cover Aaron’s shoved in it is not art to write home about but Robert feels a dopey smile overtake his face anyway. Aaron’s made him a CD.
“You know,” Aaron’s not usually a talker, but he is when he’s particularly nervous. Robert knows. “since your music taste is shit, thought I’d educate ya.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t be soft.”
Aaron’s hands run through the grass again, then he focuses and starts picking daisies. Robert can’t get rid of his smile, he probably looks like a lunatic. He opens the case and sees a plain silver disc with Robert’s Mix scrawled on it in Aaron’s messy hand. He can’t wait to get home and listen to what Aaron’s put on it, wishes he had a portable CD player so he could hear it instantly. With Aaron.
“Would ya stop starin’ at it like it’s the Bible or sommat?” Aaron says, not looking up from his daisies.
“I love it.”
“Shut up.”
Robert laughs and lays back in the grass. He holds his new CD to his chest and sighs happily.
“Here,” Aaron says after a while, “sit up.”
Robert does as he’s told and sees Aaron is very carefully holding a daisy chain crown. They both laugh and Robert offers his head. Aaron rests it on his hair and nods, satisfied.
“Perfect fit.”
“Yeah,” Robert breathes.
They sit and stare at each other for a long moment. Robert’s fourteen and thinks he could sit and stare at Aaron Livesy until he’s dead.
Trust Andy to ruin the moment. He lets his bike clatter down on top of Robert’s and kicks him in the leg.
“We’ve gotta go home. It’s already past teatime.”
“Fine.” Robert sighs.
He goes to stand up but stops, confused, when Andy starts laughing.
“What? Were you joking?”
“You look gay with that thing on your head.”
The daisy chain gets thrown on the ground halfway home, left to be run over by a thousand different car tires. Robert knows Aaron sees him drop it. He can’t let his dad see it. Aaron will understand.
After tea, Robert invades Vic’s room to use her CD player. It’s pink and usually only used to play the Cheeky Girls on repeat so this will make a nice change for the poor machine.
“Rob! I didn’t say you can touch my stuff!” Vic complains.
“I need to. Mine’s broken.”
Robert puts the CD in the player and presses play, sitting down on Vic’s pink desk chair to listen to every single word of every single song.
The sound of electric guitars fills the room, of course.
“What band is this?” Vic asks,
“It’s a mix. Aaron made it for me.”
“Oh.”
They listen for a minute.
“Does Aaron like you?”
“‘Course he does. I’m his best friend.”
“No…” Vic says slowly, like Robert’s being obtuse, “Like, Kayleigh got a mix from Owen for Christmas and now they’re dating.”
Robert’s heart skips a beat.
“Don’t be stupid, Vic.”
☀︎
Diane pours three pints, and Aaron and Adam start drinking two of them, still clutching onto each other like long-lost lovers in a shitty romance film. If the ground opens up and swallows Robert right now it would have come too late. Chas goes back around the bar, standing in front of her boy and staring at him relentlessly. Cain, Adam, and Aaron start talking about the rally team Aaron’s been working with and, in another life, Robert would have been right there talking just as enthusiastically with them. Unfortunately, Robert is in this life and so he’s stuck being forced to listen as he feels his teenage heart break all over again.
“Another one?” Vanessa asks, picking up both their empty glasses.
“Yeah, mine’s a double brandy.”
Vanessa gives him a look.
“You sure?”
“Call it one for the road.”
That settles her worry, and she heads up to the bar. She has to nudge Aaron and Adam out of the way,
“Sorry,” she says, “welcome home. I’m Vanessa, I work at the vet’s with Paddy. He’s told me a lot about you.”
“Ah, all good things then.” Aaron quips,
“Yeah, ‘course! Diane, one red wine and a double brandy for Rob, please.”
At the sound of Robert’s name, Aaron turns again. Robert determinedly avoids looking at him, waits until he feels the weight of those blue eyes lift off him.
“Brandy, Robert, is that really a good idea?” Diane calls over to him.
He wishes people would stop treating him like a child. His dad used to drink the barrel dry and get up for the animals no problem the next morning. Just because Robert had some trouble controlling himself when he was nineteen (and twenty, and twenty-one, and twenty-two) when he’d just lost his dad and been forced to take on the farm he’d never wanted, doesn’t mean he can’t handle one brandy on a workday.
“It’s fine. I’m going after that one.” Robert is proud that his voice comes out steady.
Aaron jolts at the sound of it and Robert feels smug that he still has some sort of effect on him. Then Adam is pulling Aaron back into his hold, arm around his waist and touching his back and shoulders and hair, and Robert just feels bitter.
Vanessa places the drinks down on the table and Robert snatches his up, taking a (carefully measured so Diane doesn’t have a go at him) sip.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Aaron says, “Adam, I got you that picture you wanted signed. It’s in my bag, I’ll give it to you tomorrow.”
“Mate! You’re the best!” Adam crows, grabbing Aaron’s head and pulling him in to kiss his cheek.
“Woah.” The Woolpack door has opened without anyone realising. An admittedly very fit bloke stands there; unfamiliar in a place where nothing unfamiliar ever appears to Robert. He’s wearing a red and blue checked shirt over a grey t-shirt and he wears it well. Virile young man, indeed. “Should I be jealous?”
The man finishes his sentence and Robert feels the world grind to a halt. He can’t mean–
Aaron laughs, self-conscious now, and extracts himself from Adam’s grip to go and stand beside the man,
“Of course not,” is said so quietly that Robert knows Aaron didn’t mean for anyone else to hear it. Unfortunately for him, Robert’s ears have always been able to effortlessly pick out the tones of his voice, like a radio station he’s permanently tuned into. Aaron moves his gaze to his mum and Cain. “Mum, this is Ed. My boyfriend.”
☀︎
Robert and Aaron are walking down Main Street. Andy doesn’t hang out with them anymore. Aaron has a big stick he found in the woods earlier that he’s intermittently whacking on the ground. They’ve been walking quietly for a while, Robert hasn’t been able to find many words since his mum died and Aaron has always been content to let silence have its time. Aaron’s sporting a fresh black eye that he claims was from football but Chas has been fussing over anyway.
Aaron whacks his stick against a lamppost.
“Can I stay at yours tonight?” He asks.
“Probably. Long as we ask Diane before dad.”
“Cool. Can’t be arsed to stay at mum’s.”
Aaron’s been at his mum’s for a day and a half. Robert’s been missing his mum for nine months.
“When you goin’ back to your dad’s?”
Robert doesn’t really want to know. He hates when Aaron goes back to his dad’s and they can’t hang out 24/7.
“Soon as.”
Aaron and Robert sit on his bed, pressed together at the hip. Robert’s Mix is back in Vic’s CD player that’s been moved into Robert’s room while she’s out, and they’re playing Street Fighter. Robert, having had more practice, is easily winning. Aaron shoves him in the side, unbalancing him.
“Cheater!” Robert says, laughing, and rights himself.
It barely affects his game so then Aaron plays really dirty. He digs his hand into Robert’s side where he knows Robert feels it worst.
“Oi!”
Robert tries to move away but he can’t while keeping concentrated on the game. He drops the remote, calling it a lost cause, and begins his mission for retaliation. Aaron laughs, dropping his remote too and throwing his bodyweight at Robert.
They fall to the floor with a loud thump that makes Robert grateful they’re home alone. They struggle for a while, until Robert gets the upper hand for real and catches Aaron’s wrists. He pins them to the ground next to his head and puts his full weight on Aaron’s stomach. The boy keeps struggling.
“Yield!” Robert laughs.
“Never!”
“You’re not getting out of this.”
Aaron gives it a valiant try, but eventually he gives up. He stills and puts his head back against the floorboards, laughing quietly. Robert loves when Aaron smiles, when he’s happy despite the black eye and the fact that he lost their wrestling match. Robert stays leaned over him and he can’t, for the life of him, seem to catch his breath.
Aaron wriggles after a minute,
“Gerroff me then, heavy.”
Robert does something far stupider.
Aaron’s lips are soft and warm and his eyelashes tickle lightly against Robert’s skin. Robert’s eyes are screwed shut. It feels right. They’ve been Robert-and-Aaron for years, people never expect one without the other. This is logical, natural, and it makes Robert’s spine tingle.
Robert hits the floor.
He lands heavily on his side and hip, thinks distantly that it’ll bruise. Aaron scrambles to his feet and glares down at him. Robert stares back at him, wide-eyed and stupid, stupid, stupid. Aaron wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, as if Robert is something dirty that he wants to get rid of the taste of.
“What the hell was that?”
Aaron’s voice is low and dark. Robert’s seen Aaron’s anger before, knows how close to the surface it sits under his skin. He knows how quickly it shows itself in fists flying and legs kicking. He pushes himself up to sit, trying to avoid the beating if at all possible.
“I- I- I don’t-”
“I’m going home.”
Aaron grabs his bag, and throws open Robert’s bedroom door, and is halfway down the stairs before Robert thinks to chase after him.
Jack has caught Aaron before he storms out of the house. He must have just stepped in when Aaron threw open the front door and now he won’t let him past. Robert stops at the top of the stairs. Anxiety clamps down on his legs and his stomach and his head. He doesn’t know what to do.
“Aaron, son,” Jack’s voice is warm. Always is for Aaron. It’s why he’d offered him the farmhand job this past summer when he heard Aaron complaining about being broke. “what’s gone on?”
“Let me go!” Aaron shouts but Jack doesn’t.
Let him go. Robert thinks. Please, please, let him go.
“Tell me what happened. Maybe I can help.”
“Yeah? You wanna help?” Aaron turns to look at Robert, “Your weirdo son just kissed me!”
Jack’s attention snaps to Robert, his face a portrait of shock that Robert would have laughed at in any, any, other situation.
“Still wanna help?” Aaron twists the knife.
“I’ll drop you home.” Jack says, voice so calm and even that it’s obvious he’s faking it.
“Fine.”
Jack picks up Aaron’s backpack and puts an arm over his shoulders. The front door shuts noiselessly, something impossible unless it’s done deliberately.
Robert retreats to his bedroom and sits on the edge of his bed. He grips the duvet and tries to keep his breathing even, tries not to cry.
Robert doesn’t get called for tea that night.
His stomach rumbled as his dad undid his belt.
☀︎
Aaron wasn’t supposed to come back to Emmerdale. He definitely wasn’t supposed to come back with a fit bloke on his arm. Aaron is glowing and tanned and he’s accepting hugs from Chas and Cain, and Robert can feel the ghost of a black eye and welts on his back.
“Robert?” Vanessa says, waving a hand in front of his face.
Robert downs his brandy.
“What?”
“Are you alright? Are you going home?”
Robert looks over her shoulder at the happy scene. Ed is being accepted by Cain Dingle of all people. Robert’s heard him say stuff about queers that’s so despicable it made his eyes water but here he is, all smiles and hugs and we’re so proud of you, Aaron.
“Yeah. I’m going home.”
Vic is sitting up watching something on the TV when Robert enters. She looks around and smiles,
“Hiya! Did you have a nice time?”
Robert examines her face. He doesn’t find anything traitorous in her expression and can’t figure out if that’s better or worse.
“Aaron’s home.” Vic’s eyebrows shoot up into her hairline; she didn’t know he was back then. “He’s brought Ed.”
“Oh.”
Oh. Fucking Oh.
“You knew.” Robert feels like the biggest idiot on the planet, “How could you not tell me?”
“Rob, he begged us not to tell anyone. I couldn’t out him, could I? We can’t understand what that’s like.”
Robert can understand perfectly well. He takes a deep breath and reminds himself that Vic doesn’t know. Vic is innocent. She was just trying to do right by her friend. Robert goes into the kitchen and starts opening and closing all the cupboards. As far as Vic’s concerned, Robert’s had one girlfriend in his whole life and they imploded after six months. Robert has his romantic trysts quietly, brings people home when he knows Vic will be out, doesn’t let them linger and certainly doesn’t call them back. Vic doesn’t know.
“What are you looking for?” Vic asks.
“Aha!” Robert finds it, gripping it around the neck of the bottle and holding it aloft.
It’s a three-quarter full bottle of Jack Daniels that Robert thinks is actually Adams. Vic can buy him another.
“I’m taking this. And you can’t protest because you didn’t tell me.” Robert isn’t allowed alcohol in the house. If there is any, it belongs to Vic or Adam and they don’t share with him. Tonight is taking him about seven steps backwards.
Robert sits on the damp wooden planks of the bridge. The world has started moving again, going faster than it should to try and catch up to where it should be. He doesn’t mind it spinning around him. He’s tracing his fingers over the dark carving of Aaron woz ere 2003 that’s keeping him grounded. Robert has missed his good friend Mr Daniels almost more than he’s missed Aaron. There’s a cold breeze whipping around Robert’s face, making his nose run. He wipes it with the back of his sleeve, no care for how disgusting that is, and takes another drink. The burn of the whiskey doesn’t register anymore, hasn’t for a long time. Robert kind of thought that his body would forget how to cope with him covering it in copious amounts of alcohol but he guesses it’s like riding a bike.
Robert’s humming a song to himself. He had tried standing up at some point but his legs didn’t want to balance. So his existence is now confined to this bridge. Oh well. There’s nothing worth his time outside this bridge anyway. It’s a nice bridge. He and Aaron used to throw stones into the river running underneath it. It’s sturdy in a way nothing else in Robert’s life is. Everything is prone to collapsing but not this bridge. This bridge will be standing even after the rest washes away. Robert hopes he washes away soon. The big flood would be mighty convenient right about now. His eyes won’t focus anymore and his nose isn’t working. Breathing is loud through his mouth. He can hear himself. Fascinating. He doesn’t know where his bottle has gone. It may be empty. No, he hasn’t drunk that much. It’s lost to him, either way.
“Aaron!” A voice makes him jump.
He rolls his head to the side and squints at the dark blob standing at the end of the bridge. His and Aaron’s bridge.
“I’ve found him!”
The blob speaks again. Not speaking to Robert. Not Robert’s problem.
Next thing he knows, he’s being hauled to his feet. Some mystical force under his arms forcing him upward. His legs still don’t work. He lilts sideways into the hands and arms holding him. Ah, how nice it is to be held.
“Come on, Rob. Vic’s been worried about you.”
It’s a gruff tone that Robert shouldn’t recognise, all these years later. All the changes they’ve both been through. Identifying Aaron’s voice is an innate talent he has, across time and across countries. Like a siren call, and Robert the hopeless sailor who drowns at his feet.
☀︎
Without Aaron or Andy, Robert finds himself alone. He spends three years kicking rocks and lashing out at everyone who passes him by. He doesn’t like being at home anymore and he can’t find a place where he fits (not as comfortably as he fit with Aaron) outside. He watches from the sidelines as Aaron moves on - a social magnet despite how grumpy he is - with Adam Barton.
Robert behaves: doesn’t say anything about how Adam’s birthday is the day before his and that seems almost too perfect, doesn’t pick a fight about how often Aaron comes to Emmerdale now to hang out with Adam when he could barely stand to be in the place when Robert was his best friend. He steps out of the way of their quad bike and keeps his mouth shut when they get served in the pub at sixteen. Tells himself he doesn’t even notice them in the pub because he’s too busy applying for university. He’s doing the right thing; going to get out of this village, do a business degree, get a high-earning job, then come back to rub his dad’s nose in it. Destined for bigger things is Robert. Fuck the farm, the legacy, the nosy neighbours, and the ghosts around every corner. Robert will show them all.
Jack Sugden has a heart attack at the beginning of February 2009.
It kills him pretty effectively.
Robert holds a black umbrella over his and Vic’s heads as they lower their dad into the ground. He’s not crying. He’s barely feeling anything at all. When he’d imagined losing his dad, he thought it would hurt. Instead, he’s thinking about what he’s going to put in the email to the University of Bath to retract his acceptance of their offer. He’s worried about what food they have in the house to cook for Victoria the next day and whether it would be beneficial to keep her off school for a couple of days. Diane has moved back into the Woolpack already, promising to be there for them emotionally but she never signed up to run a farm by herself. She’s standing opposite them, dabbing her eyes with a saturated handkerchief. Robert’s going to have to take over. Head farmer Robert Sugden. His future is laid out in front of him, horrifyingly vivid. It was a path he was naive enough to believe he could drift from.
It’s the first time he wishes he’d paid more attention to Jack Sugden’s own brand of education.
The wake is at the Woolpack. A suffocating amount of people are crammed into the room and Robert can’t U-turn out of there without seeming like the disappointing, good-for-nothing son Jack always knew he is. A drink is pressed into his hand and it slips down his throat like water. He accepts another from someone else. Wakes are for getting blackout drunk. Robert’s not a bloke to defy expectations. (He’d been fourteen when Sarah died and drank his dad’s best bottle of whiskey at home while everyone else closed down the pub.) Diane’s hung up a portrait of Jack on the wall behind the bar. No one told Robert that he’d be under constant observation even after the old man kicks it.
A series of hands clap down on his shoulder, offering sympathy that’s of no use to him. He spits it back at them in favour of another drink, please, Chas until she’s standing there, all righteous, with her hands on her hips and one eyebrow cocked: don’t you think you’ve had enough? There’s never enough. No amount of brandy can make right what’s gone horribly wrong in Robert’s life but he can give it a damn good go.
“Robert,” and there’s someone he doesn’t want to speak to right now, “I’m really sorry, mate. Why don’t you let Andy take you home now?”
It’s the first time they’ve spoken beyond Hey. You alright? for nearly three years. Robert stares at Aaron, wide-eyed and mute, and wonders when Aaron stopped being able to read his mind. Or did he simply stop trying to?
Because there’s no way Robert is going anywhere with Andy and he’s about to tell Aaron exactly that but Chas, stupid loud-mouth Chas, drags the conversation back to herself. Always does, the selfish cow.
“Aaron! How did it go?”
Robert is still staring at Aaron so he doesn’t miss the minute changes his face goes through at the question. There’s a slight pull downward on the right side of his mouth accompanied by a twitch of his eyelid on the left. His voice is bright, though, when he says:
“Yeah, they’ve accepted me.”
“Oh my god! My baby’s going to France!”
Invincible Robert doesn’t flinch at the declaration that feels like a punch to the face. He has no reason to. Aaron is not part of his life anymore. So what if he’s going to France? So what? It doesn’t matter that Robert was the one who used to talk about escaping this village, curled up together under the darkness of the Spider-Man bedsheets on his single bed, while Aaron would shrug and mutter something about working at the garage for his mum’s sake. Any history there was between them is well and truly forgotten by now. Aaron’s going places without him and Robert’s left behind with no dad and a burden he never wanted.
“Can I have that drink now, Chas?”
She glares at him and turns so her shoulder is serving him. Better customer service than she normally has.
Word spreads fast. Emmerdale is a game of telephone before it is a village. Soon, the message on everyone’s lips is Aaron’s going away rather than Jack Sugden is gone. Robert doesn’t congratulate Aaron, doesn’t say anything to him. He turns his back and strops back over to his seat next to Victoria.
Aaron is talking to Adam and grinning with his family and Robert’s dad is dead and the only person he has for company is his little sister. He avoids looking over to the happy congregation at his dad’s wake, convinces himself that Aaron’s nothing to him anymore.
Good luck, good riddance to him. Out of sight, out of mind.
Nothing can hurt Robert. He is above it all, impenetrable skin and a mind that shakes off hardships.
Aaron is always Robert’s best friend, in his heart.
☀︎
Robert wakes up, bleary-eyed and foul-breathed, on a sofa that he quickly recognises as his own. He groans rather pathetically and tries to remember how he got here.
“There’s a bucket next to you.”
“Who let you in?”
“You did, mate. Last night.”
Aaron is the last person Robert wants to see right now, or ever. There’s too much he wants to say to him and so much he never can. Especially hungover with his head threatening to kill him and his stomach threatening to reverse-engineer both his binge drinking and his dinner from the day before. He’s exhausted. A conversation with the bloke who he hasn’t stopped thinking about since he was a teenager is not something he has the energy for.
Robert has a hangover routine: he wakes up, he goes back to sleep, he wakes up, he gets plain toast and water and watches trashy TV until he feels better. Aaron is the greatest inconvenience in his life.
“Robert?”
“Will you go away? Go back to France, and stop botherin’ me.”
Aaron clears his throat uncomfortably,
“Vic says-” Oh, this gets better and better. “-that you’ve had some… nights like yesterday before.”
Ah, the careful tactfulness of someone who still thinks Robert is a sensitive subject. The villagers who are used to him treat him with the harsh abrasiveness he deserves.
“Vic should keep her nose out of my business.”
“She loves you.”
Robert squints at Aaron,
“What do you know about it?”
Robert gets a hand underneath himself to slowly, carefully push himself upright. He’s the worst person ever. His head spins from the movement and nausea has him reaching for the bucket. He hangs his head into it, keeping his breathing deliberately even. Not his first rodeo. Aaron’s silent, watching and thinking probably. What Robert would give to know what he’s thinking. It’s not like he’s never seen Robert in worse states; his grief for Sarah had him messed up for ages and it was Aaron’s hand he was reaching for in those days.
“She’s arranged cover for the farm today so you don’t have to worry about it.”
Robert mutters something unintelligible into the comforting walls of the bucket.
“I still can’t believe you’re a farmer.” There’s laughter in Aaron’s voice that twists something ugly inside Robert. He raises his head to glare at him. Unaware, Aaron continues, “Never would have imagined that when we were kids.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
Aaron notices the bitterness and looks at him.
“I offered it anyway.”
Robert puts the bucket aside, forcing the hangover away through sheer force of will, and gets to his feet.
“What are you even doing here? I’m a big boy, I don’t need you.”
“Yeah, you’re a grown man who couldn’t find his way home last night.” Aaron’s up too, matching him step for step, “You’d be freezing to death on that bridge if we hadn’t found you!”
“You never used to be one for dramatics. I’ve been fine before, I’d have been fine without you.”
“See, that’s what worries me.”
He scoffs derisively,
“You signed away your right to worry about me years ago. Shouldn’t you be getting back to your boyfriend?” Robert spits the word out with as much vitriol as he can infuse into his tone.
“Look, it’s not my fault that you never learnt how to move on!”
“It’s your fault my dad beat the shit out of me!”
Aaron immediately deflates. His mouth is open like he had words to say but they’re gone now.
“What?” He whispers.
Robert is struggling to breathe. The declaration has made him malfunction. His lungs are expanding while he’s trying to exhale and he’s scared his body is about to shut down. Wide-eyed yet he can’t see. Three-feet away, Aaron is blurred. His body is heavy but his head is floating. His mind is going three-hundred miles an hour. All of it’s bad. A warm hand cups the back of his neck.
“Hey. Come on. Breathe, Robert.”
He slams back into himself. It’s a cruel irony that Aaron still knows him best.
Aaron guides him to sit down on the sofa again. There’s no words forthcoming, only the terrible rasp of Robert’s gasping breath. Aaron is running a hand up and down his back, leaving a trail of heat in its wake that’s driving him slightly mad.
“You okay?”
Trapped in a room with no escape from the can of worms he accidentally opened, but other than that,
“Yeah.”
“Gonna tell me what that was then?”
Robert’s life has been a humiliation ritual for years, he should be used to this.
“Panic attack, I guess.”
“Robert.”
“It’s not your problem, is it, Aaron? You stopped talking to me and fucked off to France. I wish you hadn’t come back.”
There’s genuine sadness in Aaron’s face at his words and that’s not fair. He has no right to make Robert feel bad for wanting him to stay gone. Robert’s heart is safe when Aaron’s not around.
“Look, I was fourteen and- and confused.” Now his tone is defensive. Why couldn’t he have just come back with a girlfriend and avoided all this? “I didn’t know what I was feeling about you. I didn’t work out I was gay until I was eighteen, and already in France. So-”
“Aaron.” Robert’s voice is quiet and tired. He never wanted the argument. “You ran out and my dad tried to beat the queerness out of me. That’s what happened. It wasn’t your fault so you don’t need to do all that.”
“I’m not doing anything. I’m- I never hated you.” Aaron breathes in and it shudders for some reason. “You remember how Jack took me home? That- that day.”
Robert makes a noise that he hopes comes off as affirmation. How could he forget anything about that day?
“He gave me a talking to. Said it was best I didn’t tell anyone about it, and… some other stuff.” Robert can imagine, explaining it away as a lapse in Robert’s judgement or a bout of mania. Jack Sugden protected his image and not his son, as always. “I was angry and I thought that Gord- That’s not important. No one was nice to me like you were. I didn’t know what to do with it. I am sorry, for what it’s worth.”
Getting shot would hurt less.
“I’m happy you found yourself,” Robert says through gritted teeth.
Aaron’s answering scoff tells him he didn’t mask that very well,
“No, you’re not.”
Robert manages a small smile and it’s almost normal.
“So, are you..?” Aaron asks,
“Bisexual.”
“Right. But no special someone?”
“No.” He bites back the not one who compares to you because that’s slightly too forward even for them.
Aaron’s phone pings. Brilliant timing.
“Is that him?” Robert asks, feeling catty and immature.
“Yeah, he’s asking if you’re alright.”
“Wow, remind me to give my thanks to Saint Ed.”
“Don’t be boring. He’s a nice bloke. He’s been good for me.”
And there’s probably a whole story there that Robert was never privy to.
“Do you- Do you want to grab a pint or something later?”
A pained look appears on Aaron’s face, similar to if he’d been sucking on a lemon.
“We’re flying back tonight.”
“You’ve only been here a day.”
“Mine and Ed’s schedules never align. I’m needed back with the team for prep for Turkey and he’s got a match Saturday. I’ve literally fit this in the two free days we both happened to have.”
And he spent the night looking for and watching over Robert. It has to mean something. Maybe not what Robert selfishly hopes it means but something.
It sounds like Aaron and Ed are barely spending any time together anyway, their relationship can’t be that solid.
“Your mum wants you to come home.”
Aaron tilts his head and his eyes soften as if he knows that what Robert isn’t saying is I want you home. Even now. Even still. His hand makes an aborted move toward Robert’s face or hair or-
“I know.”
Aaron’s phone goes off again. He picks it up and a small smile lifts the corners of his mouth at whatever Ed has put.
“You know.”
Desperate for attention, ever since he was a child. It’s one of the reasons Jack couldn’t stand him, and Diane would snap at him because he’d bug her as she was trying to tend to Vic. Pushing for too much was what lost him Aaron the first time.
“I have to go.”
It’s abrupt and too much like being fifteen. Aaron’s on his feet and has his hand on the doorhandle,
“Cain owns the garage now.”
Robert can’t let him go. Can’t let history repeat itself. Can’t live another eight years with the absence of Aaron torturing him constantly.
“You what?”
Robert stands also; a better vantage point to plead his case.
“He’d give you a job if you asked.”
“I have a job.”
Robert makes a mad lunge for Aaron’s hand. Suddenly they’re so close Robert can feel the heat - not just in Aaron’s hands, it turns out - emanating from him. They’re both breathing like they’ve run a marathon and Aaron’s fingertips glide, light as a feather, down Robert’s cheek.
“Tell me,” Robert whispers, “that you haven’t thought about me and I’ll let you go.”
Aaron’s sharp inhale is shaky and when he kisses him it’s as natural and logical as the last time. Robert’s got the sides of his hoodie clutched in white-knuckled fists and knows he’s squeezed his eyes shut too tightly, probably looks like he’s in pain to an outsider. Good thing the outsiders know nothing about it. He’s never been better.
Aaron pushes him away gently, two palms flat against his chest,
“I don’t want to hurt you every time we kiss,” Aaron’s tone is sorrowful.
The hangover and the aftermath of the panic attack crash back into Robert’s awareness like a train. Aaron’s not about to deliver good news.
“I have to go, Robert.”
Robert pulls him back in, wraps his arms around his waist. It’s not a hostage situation but Robert’s not opposed to escalating it that way.
“You don’t. Stay with me, with your family. We could be so happy, Aaron.”
Arms settle around his shoulders in return. One supporting his back, the other his head.
“We don’t know each other anymore. My life is in France.”
“Rebuild here. Or I’ll give the farm to Vic and come with you.”
Aaron chuckles and drops a kiss onto Robert’s shoulder.
“You’re an idiot.”
“I love you.”
Aaron’s hug tightens around him, a python versus a sacrificial lamb. Robert will bleat sweetly until his brain shuts down. He and Vic watched it on a David Attenborough documentary a few weeks before. She’d been disgusted; she has to look away every time animals kill other animals.
“You should get some more sleep. I’ll text you when I land.”
Aaron’s hands pull insistently at Robert’s arms until he loosens his hold.
“Are you coming back?”
Aaron threads his fingers back into Robert’s hair and he thinks they’re going to kiss again but Aaron presses their foreheads together instead.
“Robert, there’s a lot of stuff we need to… catch up on. We can’t… It’s not as easy as you want it to be.”
Nothing ever is.
Robert steps away, nodding like a bobble-head on a car dashboard.
“You’re right. I should go back to bed. Have a safe flight.”
Bury it properly this time. A six-foot grave for whatever he and Aaron could have been.
“I’ll text you.” He’s said it twice now so it must be true.
Everything is murky between them and the door clicks quietly when Aaron closes it behind him.
Robert wonders how many times he has to watch Aaron leave before he stops wishing he’d stay.