Chapter Text
Yuna knew she was a good mother. Objectively she could agree with this statement, after all she lead Shane to his grand success. Because hockey was far more than just being able to play good.
It meant coverage beyond it to stay relevant. Especially with Shane’s background as a half Canadian, half Japanese. So she vowed to protect him.
Her strongest weapon? A squeaky clean reputation. This entailed carefully selected sponsors, photo shots and intensely thought over interviews. Every public instance of Shane would become a puzzle piece to his perfect exterior, to his invisible shield.
Now the press would talk less about his ‘exotic-look’ and more about his accomplishments. Inside and outside of hockey - both equally important.
She had often been described by the public as ‘intense’ , she’d much rather call herself passionate but oh well. She just wanted what’s best for her son. To protect him from the harsh public opinion. And she succeeded after all. Shane was probably the first hockey player in history to never end up in fights, scandals or controversies.
She made sure that her sweet boy would always be polite and accommodating. That he would treat even the enemy with the utmost respect which contributed to his pacifistic image on the ice. (In hindsight, he really did respect the enemy, didn’t he?)
And it wasn’t really hard to teach him these things or the media training, Shane would always agree and dutifully nod his head in acceptance to whatever was thrown at him.
He never complained about the ridiculous schedule that she would send him over e-mail. Never asked for just five minutes of breathing between post-game interviews, just acceptance, acceptance and more acceptance.
She never realised, or she just never bothered to push, which she now deeply regretted how much pressure all this was putting on Shane. Yes, she knew he had some anxiety but she never connected the dots that maybe she made it worse (or that maybe she was the very one who had installed it in him with all these unspoken expectations that she placed on him when he was just still a boy.)
Belatedly, she thought back to Shane’s upbringing and noticed how he never had the normal experiences of a teenager. No wild parties, it would look bad to get caught drinking. No silly, irrational pranks with teammates, it would show the public that he was the same as everyone else. Which he was not, he had to be better, more mature in order to prove that he is more than just a minority in this sport.
Sadly she thinks that maybe he wanted to have fun, connect with his other teammates on a more evenly layer instead of the filtered Shane Hollander that his mother demanded of him at all times.
Maybe he would have been confident if he felt as if he could be himself instead of a role model. She pushed this narrative so much, that he was a role model and that he had to act like it. She erased his personality to make him more likeable and digestible to the public and called it protection.
And now she was paying the price of it all with hee conscience. Because Shane would never admit, much less confront her about all the hurt she’s unintentionally caused him.
But she knows now. She has finally started looking ever since he came out. Well, if David catching them in the act counts as a coming out. She watched her everything, cry in front of her and apologise for simply loving someone that didn’t fit into the norm.
It went unsaid that he felt bad about loving someone didn’t fit into her expectations, her vision of a ‘role model’. Someone unconvient and messy. A PR manager’s nightmare and Shane seemed to have known it, why else would he hide this for fucking years?
She wished that she had been more observant before but it’s too late now. And she can tell that even now he is afraid.
It’s why accidentally overhearing a private conversation between her son and his boyfriend is breaking her already bruised heart into pieces.
”Sweetheart, you should rest” whispered Ilya.
“I can’t Ilya” he paused, she could hear him take a deep breath which sounded tired and physically painful.” This shots been planned for weeks, mom worked really hard to get it for me, they don’t work with everyone”
”Fuck that”
“Ilya”
“Hollander” oh he was serious, she had learned that Ilya rarely used Shane’s second name. Only when the situation seemed to need it. “You are sick, you are literally now burning”
“I’m fine” tried Shane. Who was immediately shooted down by Ilya.
”You are working with fever, if I would not hold you up you would be kissing the ground right now”
He continued,”Yuna would understand, sweetheart, I can tell her if you dont want to”
And yes, she definitely would, she is already chastising herself for not noticing sooner that Shane wasn’t feeling well.
Shane sighed and what came next seemed like the final hit on her poor heart.
”No, please don’t. I know realistically she would just cancel the shot but she’d be disappointed and trying not to show it which would make it even more obvious that she is.”
Another exhausted sigh escaped Shane,”I just want to get it over and then go home, okay?”
By the rustling that she could hear she knew that Ilya was about to protest. Only Shane bulldozed past him “M’gonna be fine, Ilya” said her baby with the most unconvincing tone she has ever heard from him. It sounded almost like he wanted Ilya to push more and just take over. Free him from the pressure of responsibilities and forced discipline.
Discipline that she often praised him about. So disciplined with his diet, so disciplined with his hockey training, so disciplin-
She could have said something more along the lines of “I am so proud of you, honey don’t forget to take it easy from time to time yes? Eat a burger.”
But no, every success was celebrated but only seen as badge he finally got and now he already needed to start striving for the next one.
Ilya relented and she heard the sound of a gentle kiss being presumably pressed against Shane’s burning forehead. “I do not like this but I will let it go, yes? You are too stubborn right now, I will wait outside yes to drive you home”
“No, Ilya I’ll take a few hours-“
”No this is compromise, yes? Let me atleast worry here and then take you home to take care of you, sweetheart”
”Mhm okay, thank you”Mumbled Shane, the fatigue seemed to set in unexpectedly in his body.”I have to go, I love you”
”I love you too” replied Ilya.
With their conversation seeming to have ended she quickly moved away from, what felt like a crime scene with a heavy feeling.
She felt guilty, felt guilty for how good Shane knew her, felt guilty for her thoughts process.
Yes, canceling this ad would be a horrible mistake, speaking as a manager. She worked hard to get them on board and see her vision. But her motherly instincts were also screaming at her to take him away and coddle him in numerous blankets and feed him the soup he loved as child.
She had to be brave, stand up for her son like she should have years ago.
As she stomped over to the head director of the shoot, she saw Shane already seated at make up, looking statingly normal. He was even conversing with the make up artist.
Was she overthinking this? Maybe Shane was fine and Ilya was just being overbearing?
(Something in her was screaming at her for omce again falling for Shane’s mask, but she was so full of relief at seeing him up and standing, ready to shot a campaign that would another badge.)
Shane was perfect, listening intently at the instructions thrown at him and executing them to perfection. This went on for the first two scenes were he had to pose with two different products in front of a blank backdrop.
“Okay, take 15 Hollander! Great job, we need to change up the scenery and we’ll continue!”
“Mr.Hollander, please come over here, let me adjust the makeup” said the make up artist. That was weird, Shane usually nevee needed a touch up, he was goo like that never smearing the hard work of the artist.
”I’m sorry, it’s pretty hot in here” replied Shane shyly and oddly breathless. Well it wasn’t really hot if she was honest. She wasn’t cold but she wouldn’t say that the temperature was so uncomfortable to cause him to sweat so much.
She couldn’t help herself, usually she stayed back on auch shoots. Only occasionally quipping in when necessary.
“Excuse me, could we please have a minute alone?”
“Ah! Of course Mrs. Hollander!” With that she rushed out of her way leaving Yuna alone with her only son. Her sick son.
”Are you feeling okay, honey?” She hoped that maybe he would be honest now. That he would trust her now to admit that he did indeed feel miserable.
“Yeah of course” he cringed as his voice broke halfway down the sentence.”Just a lil’ hot”
Still holding on to the mask that she had created. The silence tagt followed was deafening. She didn’t know how to process her own conflicting feelings as a manager and as a mom. The lines between the two roles blurring by the second.
“Hollander! Change of plans! We will have you in a different outfit, please come change promptly!”
Fuck. She really had missed her chance hadn’t she-
“Uhm well I’m off” said Shane awkwardly.
She let it go, slipped on her own mask of only a manager and not a confused mother who couldn’t divert from her professional persona anymore.
The shoot continued on, even fir Yuna dragging itself as more spontaneous changes took place. Luckily, the photographer seemed to atleast be happy with Shane and only mildly irritated by his own bipolar crew staff. Even apologising for the circumstances.
Of course Shane deflected, perfectly accommodating, no push back.
Maybe Yuna should have pushed back some more, maybe then she could have prevented what would happen next.
The last scene of the shoot was simple. A rail and Shane leaning against it, showing off the clothes. Instead of a casual, cool lean Shane seemed to have needed the support more than anything. She wasn’t the only one to notice, as the photographer kindly suggested,”Shane can we try a different pose? Maybe standing more free,loose from the rail? Kinda like opposed to it.”
Shane nodded and time seemed to stop in Yuna’s mind. She watched as he struggled to adjust his balance to only sway more and suddenly collapse right then and there.Looking like a puppet with its strings cut.
Shouts erupted and she saw some crew members sprinting to catch Shane from his fall. One of the lighting staff managed to save him from hitting his head, barley though.
She barely heard her own voice over the ringing in hear ears,”Shane!”
What had she done to her poor baby.