Chapter Text
Theon knew he was an amazing friend. He always did things for Robb, even when Robb didn’t ask him. He pulled the fire alarm the day that Robb forgot his senior project at home, saving Robb from receiving an F. He covered Robb’s tab when they went drinking and Robb forgot his wallet. And today, Theon was going to set him up the woman he’d been pining after ever since starting at King’s Landing University: Margaery Tyrell.
Theon would admit that he was not the most observant man, but even he could see that Margaery and Robb’s sister, Sansa, were best friends. They were constantly with each other, huddled together studying and giggling, or linking arms as they walked through campus, constant sleepovers. Stuff that girl best friends always did. How had Robb never thought about this?
So when Theon found Sansa reading alone outside the library, he implemented his plan.
“Hey Sansa,” Theon waved. He sat down next to Sansa and splayed his arms across the bench.
Sansa put down her book, looking a little puzzled. “Hi Theon. What are you doing here? I thought you worked on Wednesdays.”
“Nah. Old man Umber fired me. Said something about ‘lacking people skills’ and ‘customers should be respected more than gutter rats.’”
Sansa chuckled at that. “Well, I did tell you working in customer service would require you to hold your tongue a bit.”
Theon waved her off. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I wanted to ask you something. Would you and Margaery want to go on a double date with Robb and me?” Theon grinned as adorably as he could. Sansa always went for adorable.
“You and Robb?” asked Sansa.
“Well, Robb is a bit shy about it, you see. I figure with another couple there, he won’t be so intimidated.”
Sansa thought for a moment. “I mean. Gosh, I had no idea.”
Theon smirked. Sansa lived in her own world sometimes. It was the only explanation for how she never noticed her brother mooning over her best friend. “Not much of a surprise when you think about it. So what do you, say? The two of you can meet us at Podrick & Payne’s for dinner on Saturday.”
“I’m not sure what Margaery’s plans are, but I think we can do it,” said Sansa. She pulled out a little planner and scribbled down the plans. “Alright.”
Theon patted her shoulder. “You’re awesome, Stark. See you Saturday at 7.”
Sansa shook her head in mirth. “Bye Theon.”
6:30. Theon sighed and dropped his wrist back down. It was 6:30 and they were about to be late for Robb’s date with Margaery.
“If you’re not down here in thirty seconds, I’m leaving you and I’ll spend the whole damn night with both your sister and your crush on my arms,” called Theon.
Robb’s footsteps thundered down the stairs as he adjusted his watch. Theon noticed that he had gone with the crimson dress shirt. Nice choice.
“Should I bring a jacket?” asked Robb. “I mean, it’s still fairly warm outside, but what if Margaery gets cold later? But what if it gets too hot and I start sweating?”
Theon rolled his eyes. “Bring the jacket, leave it in the car. That way you won’t look like you’re coming from a sauna, but Margaery can still use it if she’s cold.” He swore that he thought for Robb half the time.
“Okay,” said Robb. He checked himself in the mirror one last time. “Let’s go.”
Theon groaned and picked up the keys. He prayed that he would never get this lovesick over a girl.
As Theon suspected, they were late. Traffic was a nightmare as the City Watch prepared for King Robert’s arrival tomorrow. Still, they were only fifteen minutes late.
“You didn’t say it was a semi-casual restaurant,” complained Robb when Theon parked and stepped out of the car. The two walked to the window of the restaurant.
“Do you see what I’m wearing?” Theon pointed out his jeans and gray Henley.
“That’s the most dressed up I’ve seen you in two years!” said Robb. “I’m overdressed! She’s going to think that I’m a snob.”
Theon groaned. “Just roll up the sleeves or something. I’m sure she won’t care. She’ll like that you took the time to care about your appearance or whatever shit girls say.”
Robb looked deep in thought. “Yeah. Yeah I can roll my sleeves up.” He shoved them up to his elbows. “Okay?”
“For the love of the seven, you’re fine. Now, we’re late, or do you not care that you’ve let this woman wait for you for twenty minutes?”
Robb’s eyes bulged. He yanked open the restaurant door and nearly collided with the hostess.
“May I help you?” she asked, a little flirtation in her voice.
“I’m meeting someone here. Two girls,” said Robb.
“Is there a name,” the hostess asked as she read the computer screen.
“It might be under “Sansa” or “Stark”.
“Stark, table of 4,” read the hostess. She smiled. “Right this way.”
Robb and Theon followed her to a corner of the restaurant. “Right there,” pointed out the hostess before walking off.
Robb stopped immediately, staring at the booth. Theon, who was standing behind Robb, moved next to him and smirked at Robb’s slightly gaped mouth. “What? Is she too beautiful for words?”
The smirk fell from Theon’s face when he looked at the booth and saw Margaery Tyrell trailing her lips down Sansa’s neck. Sansa was blushing furiously, trying to read the menu. The two men couldn’t speak as they watch the display, Margaery twirling Sansa’s curled hair around her index finger as her mouth moved to the base of Sansa’s neck.
When Sansa looked up, she saw Robb and Theon watching. She bent her head down to Margaery’s and said something. Margaery stopped kissing Sansa’s neck and pouted a bit, crossing her arms over her chest. “Robb! Theon! Over here!” Sansa waved.
Robb glared at Theon, but Theon was still in shock. Theon knew the girls were close friends; that’s why he asked Sansa to come along. But he didn’t know they were that close.
The men walked to the booth, Theon sliding in to sit across from Sansa while Robb sat across from Margaery.
“Margaery, you remember my brother Robb, right?” asked Sansa gesturing to Robb. “And this is Theon.”
“Hi,” said Margaery. “It’s good to see you again, Robb. And nice to meet you, Theon.”
“What took you guys so long?” asked Sansa. “I was about to order for you.”
“You wouldn’t know what to order for us,” said Theon, momentarily forgetting about this disaster of a double date once food entered the equation.
“Sure I do. Anything with the words steak and chicken and French fries,” Sansa said.
Theon smiled. “Perhaps you know me better than I thought, Stark.”
“So how long have you two been together?” asked Margaery.
“Margaery, I told you. This is their first date,” said Sansa.
Theon felt his veins freeze up. He hadn’t even thought about the second duo in this double date. Sansa and Margaery thought that he and Robb were…
Robb stood abruptly. “I’m sorry, ladies. I need to speak to Theon for a moment. You can order for me, Sansa.”
Margaery quirked her eyebrow toward Theon. “Is he okay?”
“Oh, sure. Just a little antsy. You were right about my order Sansa. Get me everything with chicken and steak,” Theon slid out of the booth and followed Robb to the bathroom.
As soon as the bathroom door swung closed, Robb shoved Theon against the wall. “What the hell did you get me into?” he roared.
“I don’t know! I thought you were going to be wooing Margaery while I chilled with Sansa!” Theon shrugged in desperation.
Robb released Theon and paced in front of the sink, running his hand through his hair. “I didn’t even know Sansa liked women like that. And she clearly thought I knew! I can’t just tell her I didn’t know! She’ll be so embarrassed.”
Theon adjusted his collar in the mirror. “Sounds like you’ve got quite the problem. Good thing we can take desert to go.”
“Oh no.” said Robb. He grabbed Theon’s shoulder and glared at him in the mirror. “If I’m suffering, you are too. Just because you’re an idiot doesn’t mean that I’m going to ruin Sansa’s night. If she wants a double date, she’s getting one.”
“What?! What if someone sees us? Like what if Daenerys Targaryen walks in here. I can’t not go over to her and charm her pants off!”
“If Daenerys Targaryen looks at you for more than two seconds, I will join the Night’s Watch,” said Robb. “Come on. Let’s get this night over with.”
Theon reluctantly followed. “Grab my hand,” whispered Robb before they turned the corner.
“Why?” asked Theon.
“Cause that’s what people on dates do,” hissed Robb.
Theon prayed to the old gods and the new that he wouldn’t find pictures of this on Instagram tomorrow. He took Robb’s hand and walked back to the table.
Then Theon saw the most glorious display he’d viewed in his 23 years: Margaery Tyrell sticking her tongue half-way down Sansa Stark’s throat. “Good gods!” he whispered. “This may be the best date I’ve ever been on.”
Robb turned to Theon, eyes blazing in anger. He punched Theon in the shoulder, nearly dislocating it, and marched to the table. The protective big brother was coming out now. Theon hissed and rubbed his shoulder. It would need icing later.
Robb cleared his throat when he reached the table, causing Sansa to jump and bite down on Margaery’s tongue. Margaery squeaked in pain and jerked her head away. Sansa looked mortified, eyes wide in terror. “I am so sorry.”
Margaery winced but shook her head. “No harm done. Just a little sting.”
“Sansa, that’s hardly appropriate for a public restaurant.”
Theon slid into the booth. As long as Robb was trying to send him to the hospital, he would stay out of the way.
“Get off it Robb,” groaned Sansa, “You’re not dad. I’ve seen you do a lot more with girls.”
“That’s in private!” Robb nearly yelled.
Theon grabbed a roll from the bread basket. Stark fights were legendary. He had never seen Robb and Sansa go at it, but if it was anything like the fights between Robb and Jon or Sansa and Arya, they would be kicked out of the restaurant. It was can’t miss action.
Unfortunately, Margaery intervened, laying a hand on Sansa’s arm. “Robb’s right, darling. I got a little carried away. Best keep that stuff between us,” she winked.
Theon watched as Robb’s fist tightened beneath the table. He truly felt bad for Robb. It must be difficult to watch his crush seduce his sister right in front of him. Everything Robb wanted from Margaery, and everything he wanted to protect Sansa from, was beyond his control.
Dinner continued awkwardly from there. Theon prodded and learned that Sansa and Margaery had been together four months, at which point Robb dropped his head in his hands and claimed a headache. Robb refused to talk for the most part, leading to one-sided conversation between Margaery and Sansa.
During desert, Robb clumsily threw his arm around Theon’s shoulder and tried to feed him cake. Theon would not eat off the fork. There was a line between date and stupidity. He couldn’t ignore the smirk on Margaery’s face when she watched them though.
When the waitress brought the check, Robb and Sansa immediately pulled out their wallets. Theon would gladly accept a free meal. Between the entertainment and free food, this date hadn’t been so bad.
Margaery pulled out her own purse. “Don’t worry, sweet. I’ll pay.”
“No,” said Sansa, “You paid last time. It’s my turn.”
Margaery shook her head and grabbed the receipt. “Nope. I’m paying.” She trailed her fingers up Sansa’s shoulder. “You can pay me back later,” she purred.
Sansa and Robb both turned red. Robb reached out and snatched the receipt from Margaery. “I’ll pay. That way no one has to pay anyone back.” He filled out both receipts and handed them to the waitress.
Theon drummed his fingers on the table . “So, any good movies out?” he asked Margaery while Sansa stared at Robb, shocked.
When the waitress returned, both couples stood and left. Theon offered his arm to Robb, seeing as he was the charming gentleman that he was. Robb glanced down at Margaery and Sansa’s laced fingers and begrudgingly linked his arm with Theon. They walked over to Margaery’s green Audi.
“I guess we’re going then,” said Sansa. She pulled Robb in for a hug. Theon heard her whisper, “I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.”
“It’s not you’re fault, Sans,” sighed Robb. “It’s…it’s complicated. I shouldn’t have yelled at you in there.”
Sansa nodded and released Robb from the hug. She moved over to Theon. “You have my permission to kick his arse, later,” she said, loud enough for Robb to hear. He cracked a small smile.
“Will do, my lady,” said Theon.
Margaery opened the door for Sansa, who stepped in. She shut the door and turned to Robb and Theon. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Theon. And to get to know you better, Robb. We have the same History of the Small Council class, right?” Robb nodded. “So I guess I’ll see you on Monday.” She waved goodbye and sat in the driver’s seat.
After the girls left the parking lot, Theon spoke. “Could have been worse. Could have gotten food poisoning.”
Robb glared at Theon. “I hate you.” He stormed off to his car.
Theon shrugged. Robb would get over it. He always did.