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The world was still.
The blanket of night enveloped all in silence.
The stars outside gleamed softly.
Caelus couldn't sleep.
He was exhausted, yes, but…
His mind wouldn't quiet.
Turning over in bed, his gaze fixated on the warm figure sleeping beside him, a carefully maintained five inches apart.
It was Phainon. Real, and close enough to touch.
Caelus's hand reached out, and…
… Drew back. As if that touch would prove this was all just a dream.
He was happy. Of course he was happy. Amphoreus and its people were able to become a proper part of the universe, and he was able to witness it. He was able to see Phainon again, and was able to convince him to board the Express for even just a little bit.
So, what was this unease that Caelus felt?
It didn't feel like he was himself. Like he was some stranger playing the role of Caelus. He'd been acting off, and he knew it. And he knew that the others knew it, with how many concerned glances March 7th had been sending Dan Heng’s way.
Maybe they would have some idea what was wrong with him. They sometimes knew Caelus better than he did, himself, after all.
He let out a sigh.
… Phainon’s hair seemed to glow a faint blue in the low light.
Caelus always thought it was kinda funny. Phainon was such a warm, sunny guy, and yet he was always draped in cool blues. Even his eyes were that same blue.
Once more, Caelus’s hand reached out, this time successfully, gently, grasping a small bit of Phainon’s hair between his index and thumb.
It was soft.
Something stirred in Caelus’s heart.
… He was greedy. He wanted more. Of what, he didn’t know.
His hand dropped back down and brushed against Phainon’s hand at his side.
Gently nudging at fingertips,
intertwining,
traveling up to stroke against his palm,
and delivering a lingering press against the inside of his wrist, right at the pulse point.
It was warm. He was always warm.
“... Caelus?”
Phainon’s voice cut through the silence.
Golden eyes slowly met azure. Phainon had turned over and was gazing at him with curiosity, a faint tint of rose adorning his face.
“Did I wake you up?” Caelus said in a quiet voice. “Sorry.”
“It's fine, really. Is there something wrong, partner? Can't sleep?”
Caelus shook his head.
“Yeah. Don't know why, though.”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“No, it's alright. You can go back to sleep.”
“... In that case, do you want to chat with me a little bit? Until I get sleepy again.”
Caelus was silent for a moment as he thought about it.
“Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
Phainon smiled, eyes narrowing in fondness.
“Is it always so lively around here, or is it just for the occasion?”
Caelus let out a low hum.
“Kinda, kinda not. Most of the Express members are more… calm? Mature? So it's mostly just me and March making noise. This time was a reason to celebrate, so…”
Their hands brushed again, a touch so light it was like it never even happened.
Caelus didn't acknowledge it. Phainon didn't mention it. He just smiled, soft and warm.
The weird feeling from before dripped onto Caelus's heart, staining him in its color.
“... That’s why,” he finished in a low voice.
“Is that so? I’d love to see that myself.”
“Well. You’ll have enough opportunities to.”
The ‘unless…’ that Caelus left unsaid lingered between them, a stray, stagnant worry.
Phainon’s fingers gave Caelus’s own a slight nudge.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not going anywhere.”
Is that what it was? Is that what was bothering Caelus?
… It seemed like everyone had a clearer idea about his feelings than he did.
Caelus didn't respond.
“That's what's been troubling you, right, partner?”
“I don't know,” Caelus answered honestly.
A sense of frustration lingered in his chest. He didn’t know, but shouldn’t he? Shouldn’t it be a simple enough matter, just being able to recognize his own emotions? Why did he have to rely on Phainon to lay it out for him?
And what was there to even be afraid of?
In a fit of childish petulance, Caelus took Phainon’s hand in a firm grip. Phainon indulged him and reciprocated with patience.
It was… annoying. All of it. Caelus’s obliviousness, his feelings, and Phainon’s kindness.
What was there to be afraid of. Really. Caelus was happy. He was happy. It was a joyful occasion. It was what he’d worked for, waited so long for. So what was with this agitation in his chest? What was with the way he’d been acting, so strange that it’s caused multiple people to be worried about him? All because he was scared? Of what? What could it possibly be? Was there anything that could justify it? Anything at all?
He let out a sigh filled with grievances.
“... I don’t know,” he repeated.
Phainon’s gaze was gentle, eyes shining a soft azure in the low light. Caelus felt a light squeeze on his hand, enveloped in Phainon’s warmth.
According to Phainon’s words, Caelus had some sort of worry of Phainon departing from his side. But that couldn’t be true, right? And even if it was, why was he feeling the effects of it then, when he’d just reunited with Phainon? It didn’t make sense.
Caelus took a breath. “Sorry,” tumbled out of him like a stone in water. The words were difficult to get out, like his throat was blocked with cotton. “I know I’ve been off today. I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need for you to apologize.”
“Still. I should. I don’t want you to have to worry about me like this. Today was supposed to be a happy day, but I brought the mood down. Sorry about that, really.”
“You’re really apologizing too much, partner. I already said that it’s fine, didn’t I? Besides…”
Phainon’s face colored slightly as he subtly averted his eyes.
“... I don’t mind you being so clingy,” he finished.
Their palms were flush against each other then, fingers closely intertwined.
There was something else Phainon said, quieter than the rest, but Caelus found it difficult to hear over his own surprise, eyes widening in shock.
“I was being clingy?”
“Ah… You didn’t notice?”
“... No?”
Phainon’s smile trembled as he tried to stifle a laugh.
“Don’t laugh at me,” Caelus said indignantly.
At that, Phainon couldn’t hold it back anymore, the sound of his mirth filling the quiet of night. Caelus fixed him with an accusatory glare as he waited for it to subside.
“—Sorry, I just can’t help it,” Phainon breathed out, finally coming down from his amusement. “You were being just a little bit clingy, yeah. You know, you didn’t leave my side the entire day.”
“... Sorry. I didn’t realize it at all.”
“Another apology… Come on, partner, I already said it was fine. I like spending time with you, anyways”
Phainon’s thumb rubbed gentle circles onto Caelus’s hand.
“But still, what’s going on? If you want to talk about it, that is.”
Caelus was silent for a moment.
“Like I said, I don’t really know. I’ve just been feeling kinda… off, I guess, today. It’s like I’m not feeling the right… feelings.”
He furrowed his eyebrows slightly, frustrated by his inelegance in verbalizing his thoughts.
“I’m glad to see you again. I’m really, really happy. But there’s something else, and it’s been bothering me.”
Caelus's words stalled, and he let out a light sigh.
“... Maybe you were right, Phainon.”
Caelus lifted his eyes to meet Phainon's gaze. As ever, he smiled patiently. A virtue he seemed to carry in abundance when it came to Caelus.
The two of them exchanged a glance, wordlessly conveying a message between them in just an instant. Phainon held an arm out, and Caelus slotted against his side with ease.
“Phainon,” Caelus called out in a low voice.
“Yes?”
“... I think I missed you.”
With Caelus's head resting against Phainon's broad chest, he could clearly hear the sound of that persistent heartbeat, resounding thump-thump at a steady rate. That sound was proof that Phainon was alive.
Maybe that was it. Maybe it was as simple as that.
It was true that it was at Phainon's request. It was true that it was… the only choice to make at that moment. And Phainon was just fine in As I've Written, in the end. But the experience of having to be the one to strike Phainon down was…
It was difficult. A difficult action that was difficult to forget.
Phainon was real and alive. And the gravity of the situation hit Caelus like a brick. And with it, that pain and fear, amplified by separation, seemed to have caught up with him all at once, culminating in his strange attachment and behavior throughout the day.
Caelus hugged Phainon tight, burying his face in Phainon's chest. Right now, he just wanted to be close to him. As close as possible, close enough for them to become a single being.
(… Of course, it's not like he could ever put that thought to words. Phainon was right, he really was being clingy today.)
In return, Phainon placed a hand on the crown of Caelus's head, patting him in slow, gentle strokes. His eyes were narrowed in overwhelming affection, matched in strength by his tone of voice when he next spoke.
“... I missed you too, partner.”