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The first thing you have to understand is that I am the boss goat and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.
I have been boss goat of this herd for eight years, and I was alive for four years before that. The humans say I look very good for my age.
A few days ago I heard a vehicle arrive. I didn’t pay much attention to it, the humans are always coming and going, but then I heard a voice I recognized. Boss human was back. Boss human had been gone a long time this time, I was worried she had died and I wasn’t ever going to see her again. That happens sometimes, members of the herd go away and never come back. It’s sad, but that’s life.
Anyway, I was really pleased that boss human wasn’t dead after all. One thing I appreciate about humans is the way they remember a person, and treat them normally even if they haven’t seen them in a while. If I was gone for that long, I’d have to fight all these fools when I came back because they would have forgotten I was boss goat. Boss human does not appear to be having this problem with her herd, and I am a bit jealous.
I am distracted from this by the arrival of a large bug thing. It is almost big enough to be a bird but it is not a bird, so it must be a bug. It is flying around the pens, and that makes the herd nervous. It hums like a wasp and a wasp that big is going to hurt a lot if it stings you. When it flies over our pen the rest of the herd runs away. I really want to run away too, but being boss goat means doing things you don’t want to sometimes.
Instead of running like the others, I look right at the thing and I say, “Fuck off!” loudly, in goat. Then I stomp my foot to show exactly what I will do to it if it does not.
Apparently the weird giant bug understands goat just fine because it goes away and does not come back.
After a bit boss human comes out to see us. “Hi Mom.” I call. I know she’s not my mom, my mom died years ago, but humans don’t speak goat very well so I try to keep things simple.
She comes to the fence and scratches my ears the way she knows I like. There’s a stranger following her, and I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s human shaped and wearing clothes, but that’s about all it and boss human have in common. It smells nothing like a human, and it makes different noises when it moves. Its clothes taste the same as everyone else’s, and it doesn’t try to come in the pen, so I don’t worry about it.
Maybe I should have worried about it. I get used to seeing it following boss human around. I still have no clue what it is, but it seems well behaved, and I trust that boss human wouldn't bring it around us if it was a threat. Things are normal for a day or so, until one of the adult humans shows up with a ridiculously large herd of human kids following them. This is a thing that happens sometimes. They bring young humans here to teach them things like what a chicken is, or how to get hair off a rabbit. The rabbits don’t mind this, and the humans like it because they can make string out of the hair. Humans are crazy about string, they use it for everything.
Apparently today’s lesson is me, because boss human comes over and clips a thick string onto my collar and leads me out to the outdoor stand that is usually used for baths. I hate baths, and I hope I’m not going to be given one in front of a bunch of human kids, but I don’t see the hose around so I’m probably going to be alright. The stranger is following boss human around like normal, and I ignore it because I am used to it by now.
The human kids do not ignore it. The smaller ones stare at it like they have never seen anything like it before, and the bigger ones shuffle nervously. They look like young goats who have gotten out of the pen for the first time and found themselves face to face with a dog without a fence between them. Like they know it can hurt them but they aren’t sure if it will. I could have told them that boss human does not let any animal on this farm hurt a human kid. Even threatening to will get you grabbed by the beard, or an ear if you don’t have a beard.
With those thoughts in my head I look back at the stranger who is trailing behind us. I have seen dogs who were very large, or who had flat faces, or who had no hair and wore clothes. I guess if you combined all those traits you might end up with something that looked human. I’m surprised I didn’t realize it before, probably because it doesn't smell like a dog. But it acts like a dog, and the older human kids act like it is a dog, so I consider the mystery solved.
I turn my attention to the next mystery, what is in the food dish on the stand. I would like to just walk around and eat it while I stand on the ground, but boss human blocks me, and I have to jump up on the platform to reach the food. Boss human is explaining to the kids what she is doing. I put my head through the bars, and boss human ties a string around them so I can’t pull my head out until it is united. This means I can stand here and eat, but if I want to go anyplace else, I can’t take my head with me.
I do not want to go anyplace else at the moment though, because the bowl is absolutely full with all kinds of great things to eat. There is my usual grain even though it is early, alfalfa pellets, bird seed, almonds, and marshmallows. This means I am going to be here a while. Since I can’t leave anyway, I start picking through the dish, eating things one type at a time in order from most to least favorite. I start with the marshmallows of course.
While I eat boss human points to various parts of me, and tells the human kids about goats and how to care for us. They have tasty looking notebooks, and are writing in them with those weird yellow sticks. The yellow sticks are not tasty, I have eaten one before, there were rocks in the middle. I am happy to stand around and be stared at until boss human picks up one of my back feet, and takes a pair of sheers out of her pocket.
Oh no, I do not like foot trimming. It isn’t as bad as a bath because there is no water involved, but it is still very unpleasant. Sooner or later I know that someone is going to accidentally cut something that is going to hurt, and so I try as hard as I can to take my foot away before that happens. This time, instead of holding the foot with one hand and trimming with the other, boss human hands my leg to the stranger.
I’m shocked. Dogs are not allowed to touch me, not even weird human shaped dogs who don’t smell like dogs. I attempt to pull my foot back, but it does not move. Now boss human is pretty strong for a human, and can keep a hold of my leg without moving her arm too much. This is something different. This is like the time I got my foot stuck in the fence. I am pulling and nothing is moving at all.
There is however, more than one way to make a thing let go of your foot. I shift my weight to my front legs, and lash out with my other back foot, aiming for the place the stranger’s back legs meet their body. Where your udder is if you are a doe goat. Human shaped things don’t have udders, but they do not like being kicked there, they all flinch.
Not this one though. The stranger grabs my leg with its other hand and holds both of them like I weigh nothing. The human kids laugh. I am furious. This was not supposed to happen. Boss human takes my leg back from the stranger, and places my foot down on the stand. She holds it there for a moment, where she wants my foot to be. I know she wants me to keep my foot there. I know if I don’t it will get grabbed again. I learned this when I was two years old and had to be taught not put my foot in the milk bucket. She is explaining to the human kids a lesson I learned ten years ago, but am getting taught again with an audience.
“Fuck you,” I tell the stranger in goat, this isn’t over. It ignores me, or maybe doesn't understand. Boss human understood, and gives me a look. I pretend to be very interested in the food dish, even though all that is left is alfalfa pellets which I never liked very much and don’t even have enough teeth to chew any more. I amuse myself by seeing how far I can spit them while my feet get trimmed.
The foot trimming is apparently the last part of the lesson, because when it is done the adult human lures the human kids back in the house with a promise of snacks. I would like snacks also, it has been a long time since there was anything in the dish I wanted to eat, and I feel like I deserve a reward for putting up with being grabbed.
When we go back into the pen, the stranger follows us in. This is the first time it has been in the pen, and the rest of the herd is being stupid and nervous about it. It isn’t even looking at them. It’s not even looking at me. I realize this is probably the only chance I will get for payback.
When boss human unclips the string from my collar, I step sideways and rear up on my hind legs. I am in very good shape for my age, and can still move quickly. I am about to deliver two hundred pounds of goat to the center of the stranger’s body, when boss human GRABS ME BY MY BEARD!
“No!” She shouts, dragging me back down to all fours. I am shocked. I have not ever been treated like this before. The stranger is looking at me now. Boss human stands between me and it. Her message is clear. If I want to fight the stranger, I have to fight her first.
I am not going to fight boss human. The idea is absurd. Boss human can pick me up, she has in the past. Not since before I had kids of my own, but I have no doubt that she could do it if she wanted to. And aside from knowing that there is no possible way I can win, I don’t want to fight boss human. She has always been kind to me, there for me when I was scared, or hurt. I shake my head and back up, realizing I have seriously misunderstood the situation. Clearly this is not a dog, since I am allowed to hit dogs who grab me. She herds the stranger out of the pen.
When I reach the herd they are curious. None of them have ever seen me get reprimanded like that before. They want to know what happened. What had I done to make boss human mad.
“She was absolutely right,” I tell them, “I threatened a member of her heard, I’d do the same if anyone tried to hit one of you.”