Chapter Text
The first time Hayden asks himself if Shane Hollander is gay, he’s drunk and stupid, and it isn’t even about Shane. He’s just being maudlin, the buzz of mid-shelf tequila turned sour after he stopped a girl getting too handsy with him on the dancefloor. She’d looked at him like he was crazy.
“What, are you gay or something?”
The words are still echoing in his mind five minutes later. She’s back on the dancefloor, grinding with some dude Hayden’s never seen before, but who’s a damn sight more enthusiastic than he had been. And he’s feeling weird. Because he - what, hadn’t wanted to get a boner in public? What’s so bad about that?
Hayden didn’t exactly grow up religious, but he had plenty of very religious friends growing up. Whatever settlers first colonized the area he did most of his growing up in held to their Catholicism with a death grip, and so did the generations that came after them. When Hayden’s family moved to be closer to the job his dad got in the oilsands, their mom sat him and his sister down and had a long talk about how different people have different priorities and that’s okay. His sister, four years older than him and already in high school when they moved, hated these new people and their old values with a passion. Hayden, who didn’t even really understand why people would want to have sex at that point, thought it was kind of neat.
His first girlfriend, when he was fifteen, made it very clear from the beginning that she would not be having sex before marriage. The way she was tugging at her cross necklace when she said it made him think she was worried about his reaction, but Hayden seriously didn’t mind. It was cool that she had clear boundaries. If it also happened to mean that he didn't have to freak out about sex, all the better. When she told him she would move, Hayden didn’t feel like the world was ending and she didn’t like that. She also didn’t like that he didn’t want to exchange promise rings because sixteen felt too early. So they broke up.
His second girlfriend, when he was seventeen, didn’t address it at first. Hayden didn’t think about it much. It was a non-issue in his first relationship, after he learned when exactly he had to stop kissing someone if he didn’t want to get hard. So Hayden didn’t think much of the omission, and just did what he was used to. Any time he got too hot under the collar, he put a stop to it. His girlfriend liked that until she didn’t. When she asked him why he didn’t want to have sex with her, completely out of the blue and in the middle of a Timmies, he didn’t know what to say. So they broke up.
His third girlfriend didn’t even get the opportunity to bring it up because Hayden did it first - before she was even officially his girlfriend. To make sure they were on the same page. He told her he wasn’t ready yet, and he wanted to really get to know her first anyways. It wasn’t anything religious, just personal. He wanted to be sure. And then he still wasn’t sure when he got drafted by the Montreal Metros. So they broke up.
There hasn’t been a girlfriend since. Just girls in clubs. And it’s fun kissing them, because Hayden loves kissing. The problem is when they don’t want to stop at kissing. It’s usually fine if he’s just some guy at a club - but ever since the first games of the season, girls in Montreal recognize him when he goes out with the team. Girls, Hayden has learned, expect things from hockey players.
That’s the wild thing. They expect him to be a complete asshole, and they still want to fuck him. Want him to want to fuck them. They’re very direct about it, too. Sometimes, they ask. Do you want to come back to mine later? A goal like that deserves a blowjob, don’t you think? A few weeks ago, a girl recognized him after an away game in New York. She asked if she could try the room service breakfast in his hotel room. Hayden still hasn’t quite recovered from that.
His teammates think it's weird that Hayden doesn’t hook up. Doesn’t want to hook up. There are other young, single guys on the team that don’t get nearly as many opportunities as Shane and Hayden do. They say it’s because they’re less attractive, but Hayden secretly wonders if the girls can smell how some of these guys talk about women behind closed doors. It’s not pretty. The things they’re increasingly saying about Hayden the longer he doesn’t take anyone up on their offer also aren’t pretty. Right now, they’re just questions. But Hayden is aware, hollowly and with rising worry, that questions could turn into accusations at any moment.
It’s been his saving grace that Shane also doesn't hook up. That, the first time someone had asked, Shane who is usually nervous about and embarrassed by everything, had been indignant. You seriously want me to waste energy on sex right now?, he’d asked. Our power play is still a mess. That's where my energy should go. Their teammates laid off after that. For both of them. And they never started again for Shane, not really. They just shifted their chirping to Hollander and hockey are in a monogamous relationship and neither of them is putting out.
Maybe that’s true. Maybe Shane just cares about hockey so much that there simply isn’t any space in his brain for relationships or even quick hookups. But Hayden is different. He wants sex, at least he thinks he does. Broadly, the concept is appealing to him. He just doesn’t really know how to approach it, and he thinks the guys can tell. They’re being assholes about it. And they’re not the only ones.
So now, Hayden is standing in a dark corner, far away from the dance floor, and asking himself: Wait... am I gay? The question evokes an instinctive shudder in him, because as much as he knows there’s nothing wrong with being gay on a moral level, it would be really bad for Hayden to be gay. As in: It wouldn’t be good for him. Circumstances wouldn’t be kind. But for once, Hayden clenches his jaw and forces himself to really think about it. Is he gay?
He likes girls. He’s attracted to girls. He jerks off to girls, to the point where he often prefers it if there are no dudes in the porn he watches because he doesn’t like how rough they can get without warning. Surely, that has to count for something. That has to automatically mean he isn’t gay, right? He just... hasn’t gotten to the part where he has sex. It’s fine. In sex ed, the teachers always used to say it’s different for everyone. Maybe Hayden is just a late bloomer.
The one time he thought about kissing a dude, it was born out of scientific curiosity. Like, would it feel different? Because Hayden knows gay dudes exist, and they kiss each other, so surely there must be something about it that’s good. But in the five minutes he thought about it, he couldn’t figure out what that was. There’s nothing about any guy he’s ever met that made Hayden want to kiss him, never mind do anything else.
So no, Hayden isn’t gay. What he is, though, is mad. Who does that girl think she is? That she has some sort of right to him? That she’s so attractive the only reason to reject her would be to not experience attraction towards women at all? How conceited. And to ask that question of a professional athlete, in a club where anyone could hear... Fuck her. Except, no. She doesn't deserve orgasms.
He’s mad at himself, too. Mad that he let her affect him enough that he started questioning himself. If that’s his first reaction, he really needs to get more confident. Would he even start to ask himself questions if someone did this to Shane? Of course not, Shane isn’t gay!
As soon as the thought, Hayden realizes he’s never asked himself that, either. Wait, could Shane be gay? He shakes his head. This is so far beyond the point. The point is that no is a complete sentence and Hayden needs to stop letting it rattle him when people judge him for not sleeping around. That’s it. It has nothing to do with Shane. Shane, who didn’t even come out with them tonight because he wanted to watch tape before their game against Boston in two days. Monogamous relationship with hockey, and all.
The next time one of the guys teases him, Hayden rolls his eyes and says: “I guess I’m just not as desperate as you.”
That shuts it up. It also helps that he starts steering the most obviously horny girls towards his least shitty teammates the moment he realizes what’s happening. They appreciate that, and they don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
And then, the week after they drop out of the playoffs, they go out once again. It’s the end of the season for them, so even Shane is there. Awkward as ever, ginger ale in hand, dodging phone numbers and requests to dance. When Hayden comes back from the bar with another beer, ready to rejoin him in their unofficial debrief, there’s a girl standing next to him. She’s a respectable distance away, not trying to touch him. Shane is smiling, and that alone is enough to almost make Hayden turn around on his heel. The only reason he doesn’t is that Shane sees him and waves.
Her name is Jackie. She’s got a bunch of little brothers who play hockey, at least one of whom desperately wants to go pro. Apparently, she tried talking Shane into giving her a list of reasons why that is a bad idea. Hayden is almost relieved, because if she doesn’t know that Shane would never do that, she must not be a huge Metros fan. Still, she can easily keep up with their conversation.
Jackie prefers silly dancing over sexy dancing, Hayden discovers when she drags him out onto the dance floor after he’s drained his beer. She can moonwalk and hammerdance and will try to do the macarena to any beat she might even remotely think works for it. When she loses herself in the music, doing some sort of bizarre dance that looks like it belongs in a nature documentary, she raises her head like she’s sunning herself in the flickering disco lights. It’s the most beautiful thing Hayden has ever seen.
She doesn’t ask to go home with him, she just asks for his number and texts him immediately. After that, they’re in constant contact. They meet again three days later, and then again after a week. But it still takes them a month until they have their first kiss. Jackie doesn’t seem to mind. When he worriedly brings up sex, she just laughs and says they’ll go at their own pace and she’s not worried. It takes a while, but Hayden believes her. Jackie is incredibly chill about everything. It’s easy for him to let his guard down around her.
He lets his guard down so much that he doesn’t think about it again until he’s already got his hand halfway under her shirt, only four months after they met. As soon as he realizes what he’s doing, he freezes.
“Is this okay?”
“Yeah. It’s good. Please continue.” Jackie shifts, her weight a tantalizing pressure across his thighs.
“Is it okay if we... don’t do much more than this?” Because now, Hayden has freaked himself out. The only reason it got this far is because he wasn’t thinking, and that kind of scares him. Who doesn’t notice something like that? These things should be talked about before they happen!
“Of course, Hayden.” Jackie scoots back a tiny bit so she can look into his eyes. “I want this. I want you. You don’t need to worry about it. We’ll just do whatever feels right.”
It hits her then that he loves her. Of course he loves her. She knows just what to say. Knows the difference between what feels right and what feels good. Because there are a whole host of things that would probably feel good, but that Hayden still doesn’t feel ready for. Nevermind the fact that he doesn’t have any condoms.
“Can I just, maybe... touch you? And we don’t worry about me?”
Jackie’s smile is blinding. “If you want.”
Suddenly, Hayden wants it more than he’s ever wanted anything else.