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The last thing Ken could remember before his brain drifted back into consciousness was grief. An overwhelming, insurmountable amount of grief that threatened to overtake him at any time. Grief that had weaved itself into every nook and cranny of his mind, like an elaborate knot that refused to be tugged out. Like an axe that struck down onto his heart, then pulled away violently, only to leave a gaping, unmendable crater in its wake.
And at the center of it all was a blue-haired boy, lingering like a lost memory in the depths of his anguish.
His scarlet eyes that sparkled with boyish enthusiasm every time they hung out at the chemistry lab. His long eyelashes that fluttered crossly whenever he had a point to make. His thin, pale lips that would curve up into a faint smile whenever Ken whispered something snarky back to him. His front locks that he would twirl around his fingers while he was ruminating over something. Everything about Kazutoshi enamored Ken… Had enamored him.
Kazutoshi was dead now. He’d only been gone for a day now, but to Ken it felt like a millennium.
There had been so, so many things he’d wanted to tell him.
Now fully conscious, Ken shifted in his bed, bracing himself to feel the emptiness that had settled around it ever since his best friend had died. How could he possibly sleep soundly in that bed anymore, when the boy he had clung onto so tightly the day before was dead and stuffed into a cold locker at this very moment?
But strangely, the bed didn’t feel vacant nor cold at all today. Ken’s knees hit something soft.
That was strange. His pillow was still under his head, as far as he could tell.
Ken blinked his eyes open tentatively. His heart felt like it dropped straight into his stomach.
He wasn’t in his room. This wasn’t the room that he’d been assigned to in the killing game, nor was it the one that he’d come to associate his and Kazutoshi’s frequent hangouts with. Instead, he was in a large, beige-colored room with two large desks, a bookshelf, and several other commodities he’d never thought he’d see again within the killing game. But what truly caught his attention was the figure next to him.
The long, blue hair cascading over the pillow was unmistakable. His choppy bangs covered his eyebrows and eyelashes. His lips were slightly agape. His shoulders rose and settled with each tiny breath. Ken almost forgot how to breathe.
Kamimura Kazutoshi was alive and sleeping next to him.
“K… Kazutoshi…?” Ken choked out. This couldn’t be real. This couldn’t possibly be real. Ken had seen him dead, beheaded and blood-drenched, slumped over on a chair in the art room. Ken’s heart and soul had died alongside Kazutoshi that day. So how was he here, sleeping soundly in a bed, as if nothing of that sort had happened?
The boy in question shuffled closer to Ken in his sleep, making the brunette jolt. The motion seemed to wake Kazutoshi up, who opened his eyes blearily. Bright red orbs reflected Ken’s stunned gaze. The same red that had always made Ken catch his breath. The same red that Ken had longed to see just once, just one more time, ever since he had left him.
It was really him. Ken could feel his eyes filling up with tears, disbelief clogging up his throat. Before he could say anything, however, Kazutoshi cracked a large smile, and the sides of his eyes crinkled with affection. Ken’s heart leapt in his throat again.
“Happy birthday, Ken,” Kazutoshi whispered, before heaving his upper body from the blankets, placing both hands onto Ken’s cheeks, and kissing his lips tenderly.
All of Ken’s confusion and shock from waking up in an unknown room and hearing the words ‘happy birthday’ melted away the moment Kazutoshi’s lips brushed against his own. His brain froze up. The sensation of the boy he loved kissing him spread through his body like a wildfire. Kazutoshi’s hands felt like anchors driving their way back into his heart. Instinctively, Ken leaned in closer.
The seconds flew by too quickly before they parted. Ken, dazed, brought a hand to his lips. He still wasn’t sure whether this was reality or not, but the kiss itself felt very much real. He could almost still feel Kazutoshi’s soft lips against his own. Kazutoshi, who had been staring at him, let out a soft chuckle.
“What, old age getting to you already, birthday boy?” he grinned, one hand still on Ken’s cheek.
That voice. That ever-present snark. The tiny string still holding onto the last pieces of Ken’s sanity snapped.
“Kazutoshi….!” Ken cried, wrapping his arms around the other boy tightly. The force of his body colliding into Kazutoshi’s caused both of them to fall backwards onto his pillow. Just the feeling of Kazutoshi so close to him, warm, living, breathing, was enough to fill his veins with euphoria. Kazutoshi wriggled in his grasp, laughing. It sounded like heavenly bells tinkling.
“Wh- Ken! It’s too early in the morning for this, you bastard!”
Ah. He’d missed this. Ken felt a tear roll down his cheek at the familiar insult. Kazutoshi’s smile faded at the sight of Ken crying.
“Oh, shit. Don’t tell me you’re mad that I called you that. C’mon, don’t be sad.” Kazutoshi cooed, wiping a few stray tears from below Ken’s eyes with his fingers. “I’m sorry, ‘kay? You shouldn’t be crying on the morning of your birthday.” When Ken’s tears proceeded to fall at a quicker pace, however, Kazutoshi resorted to patting the taller man awkwardly on the shoulder.
“Great. Now I’ve made you cry on the most important day of the ye-”
“I-it’s not you,” Ken sobbed. The hand that was patting Ken’s shoulder slowed, and Kazutoshi looked at him with a curious expression. “I-I just missed you… So, so much…”
The blue haired man frowned at him, though not maliciously. “We literally went to your birthday party together yesterday, babe.” Babe, Ken’s mind echoed back at him with awe. Kazutoshi gestured at the blankets pooled around them, his glossy blue manicure glinting in the light. “We were also sleeping together just now…?”
“Y-yes, b-but…” Ken stilled. How was he supposed to explain that he didn’t remember any of that? How was he supposed to explain that he was currently in what seemed like an entirely different reality? How was he supposed to tell this Kazutoshi that his Kazutoshi had died a gruesome, horrible death before he could even tell him that he loved him?
Kazutoshi’s eyes softened. His hands slowly crept back onto Ken’s cheeks, tilting his head up to look at him.
“I get it,” he murmured. “Bad dream?”
Ken took his chance and nodded hastily.
“I-it was… a really, really bad one.” Ken tried to force his voice to stay steady with little success. His throat tightened. “Y-you were… I-I saw you…”
Ken couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence.
“Shhh, it’s okay,” Kazutoshi whispered, pressing his forehead to Ken’s. He slowly planted a feather-light kiss to Ken’s lips, melting away some of the panic still thumping throughout his body. The fact that Kazutoshi just kissed him anytime in this universe, the fact that they were boyfriends, even, still stupefied him.
Would he have been able to do such things with his Kazutoshi, if he hadn’t been so much of a coward? Would they have been able to share morning kisses and cuddle for love, not just to share warmth? Ken realized, with a pang, that he would never get to know.
Blissfully unaware of Ken’s inner turmoil, Kazutoshi continued to peck every part of Ken’s face he could reach. He kissed his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids, even the tiny bit of skin just below his mouth, before returning to his lips, which Ken reciprocated earnestly. Deep, saccharine love pumped through his heart wildly, similar to how it used to when his Kazutoshi was still alive.
Perhaps this was all just a stupid trick by Monomoko. Perhaps he was hallucinating in his room, driven insane by his grief for Kazutoshi. Perhaps he had been killed in his sleep, and Kazutoshi was just a vessel meant to lead him to the afterlife.
Ken realized that he didn’t care where he was right now, as long as he could stay with Kazutoshi forever.
“So,” Kazutoshi spoke after Ken managed to calm himself down. “You ready to go?”
“Go where?” Ken asked. Kazutoshi raised an eyebrow.
“I thought you said you wanted to go to the aquarium for your birthday, no? The one that opened near our campus?”
Ken’s eyes lit up. Kazutoshi chuckled fondly.
“Alright, let’s go,” Kazutoshi announced, walking out of the bathroom. Ken stared.
Kazutoshi was, of course, always beautiful to him. But looking at him now, twenty-one and much more confident than he’d ever been in the killing game, made him look absolutely ethereal. His long hair, even longer than it had been in the game, had been braided and looped behind his head into a bun. He had a cardigan on top of a long-sleeved shirt, as well as baggy jeans to complete the ensemble. Ken noticed something glimmering on Kazutoshi’s lips, and realized he even had a hint of makeup on. It made Ken want to kiss him all over again.
“Beautiful,” Ken whispered breathlessly. Kazutoshi turned beet red. “You’re so beautiful.”
“How do you not get embarrassed saying these mushy-ass things all the time?” his boyfriend grumbled, eyebrows scrunching up cutely. Ken smiled back, feeling content that the him in this universe had apparently showered Kazutoshi with praise often, too.
“B-because it’s true!” Ken insisted. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life. I-I’m just being honest…!”
Kazutoshi smiled abashedly, the flush not fading from his cheeks. “Shuddup, you big dork. We’ve got a lot ahead of us today.”
“W-we do?”
“Yup.” Kazutoshi nodded as he slid his hand into Ken’s own. Warmth blossomed from the point of contact to Ken’s entire body.
The aquarium near their campus was fascinating, but there were no surprises there. After all, Ken could practically name every single sea animal by memory alone, and he’d gone to aquariums thousands of times with his mom and Mao when they were children. What was surprising, though, was Kazutoshi’s eagerness in all of this. The moment they bought their tickets and stepped inside, the shorter man practically dragged Ken into the first section: fish.
The area was designed like a large glass dome that people could walk under. Fish of all kinds and sizes swam lazily overhead, creating an iridescent mirage that shimmered as they ambled through. Ken felt like he was standing in the middle of the ocean itself, his mind wavering and wandering together with the fish above him.
“The place is gorgeous,” Ken breathed out.
“It's pretty sick,” Kazutoshi agreed. The lethargic movements of the vibrant fish reflected off his crimson eyes, making them twinkle like dark garnets. Ken had never seen anything so beautiful in his life.
Kazutoshi jabbed a finger at one of the fish that were gliding along the edges of the glass. “What’s that one called?”
“T-those are tiger barbs! They’ve got stripes like tigers, and they’re also mildly aggressive. They usually move together in large schools.” Kazutoshi peered into the glass, where the tiny fish was forming a small cluster with the others.
“Mmm. Harada and Airi might get a kick out of ‘em,” he noted.
“O-oh yeah, Sawa too!” Ken agreed without thinking. Kazutoshi gave him a strange look.
“…Sawa? You mean that rescued tiger Harada used to haul around a few years back? You still remember her?” Ken winced internally at that. So Sawa was already back in the wild in this timeline. He would have to be careful not to mention anything that revealed too much about his lack of memories.
“A-anyways,” Ken coughed out, face red. He pointed at a random section of the glass dome. “T-these are freshwater angelfish…”
Kazutoshi stared wordlessly at his boyfriend.
The couple continued to stroll through the various sectors of the aquarium. Ken rambled on excitedly about all of the animals he found enthralling while Kazutoshi walked beside him, adding his own comments every now and then.
This felt natural. Right. Like he was destined to stay at Kazutoshi’s side forever. Enjoying university life together. Celebrating each other’s birthdays. Loving each other.
Ken nearly began to believe the killing game had just been a nightmare.
After emerging from the last area, where they had been met with a myriad of marine autotrophs, Ken found himself having to adjust to the suddenly dimmed lights. Looking around, he realized he was surrounded with glass walls that trapped floaty, pale creatures behind them.
Jellyfish.
“Ah. Here we are.” Kazutoshi spoke from beside him. “I was looking forward to seeing these little guys.”
“Is this why you’ve been dragging me around the whole place today?” Ken giggled. “To see the jellyfish?”
“Hey! Like you weren’t enjoying it too!” Kazutoshi shot back lightly. He faced the large walls of jellyfish, eyes full of wonder. A piece of stray hair that had escaped his hair bun drooped over his ear. Almost instinctually, Ken tucked the lock of hair behind his ear.
Kazutoshi smiled peacefully, eyes crinkling at the sides. Ken’s heart drummed a half-beat quicker.
“Do you remember when you told me about the one that looks like me?”
“Hm?” Kazutoshi looked at him expectantly, twirling a lock of hair between his fingers.
“Y’know, we were watching a documentary about marine animals and shit, a-and you talked about how one of them looked exactly like my hair. I got excited when you said you wanted to go to the aquarium for your birthday because I… I kinda wanted to see it in person.”
Kazutoshi turned his gaze to the waters filled with lightly glowing jellyfish. “…Can you tell me which one it was again?”
Somehow, Ken knew exactly what he was talking about.
“The moon jellyfish,” Ken replied, taking Kazutoshi’s hand and leading him to one of the walls. A single transparent, umbrella-like jellyfish swam leisurely above the sand. Its tentacles waved rhythmically, matching the flow of the water.
“Aurelia aurita. They can have a blueish or pinkish tinge, depending on their diet. Their tentacles are short, but they help sense movement and guide food into their mouths. They… They’ve also survived multiple mass extinctions because of their adaptability.”
Kazutoshi quietly stared at the gently pulsing jellyfish for a few more moments before turning to Ken.
“They’re beautiful,” he whispered tentatively. His eyes clouded with hesitation. “You… really think they look like me?”
Ah. So this Kazutoshi still doubted himself, too. Ken couldn’t let that slide.
“…I think you need to give yourself more credit, Kazutoshi,” Ken murmured, stepping closer to him. “You’re strong, you always jump back from adversity, you’re… you’re breathtaking…”
There was so, so, so much more to that list than Kazutoshi could ever dream of. Ken felt a pang of guilt remembering that he couldn’t tell all of this to his Kazutoshi when he was still alive. When he was hurting and afraid.
But this was a second chance, wasn’t it?
Ken heard Kazutoshi’s breath hitch. He walked forward another step so that their bodies were inches apart. The pale, blue light of the moon jellyfish bathed over Kazutoshi, making him look alluring. Almost like a divine entity.
“I’ve said this before, but you’re the most beautiful person that I’ve ever had the honor of meeting, Kazutoshi. I… I only wish you would realize that, too.”
Kazutoshi’s entire body trembled, and he suddenly wrapped his arms around Ken’s neck as his lips crashed into Ken’s.
The jellyfish above them danced in a hazy azure light as their mouths glided against each other in the center of it all.
“So,” Kazutoshi started. “Did Mr. Birthday Boy enjoy his day today?”
“Oh, definitely,” Ken laughed. By the time they finished their aquarium tour, the sky had already turned dark and starry. Ken could see the faint outline of their shared apartment in the distance.
“Any ideas for my birthday party next?” Kazutoshi prompted cheekily, nudging Ken in the side.
“Wha- your birthday’s in three months!” Ken exclaimed indignantly.
“Still. I got fuckin’ Hiroaki to host your birthday party in that crazy rich mansion of his yesterday, and I went through with the aquarium date with you on your actual birthday. I think I deserve a decent birthday party too, don’t you think?”
Ken grinned. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Walking home with Kazutoshi after a long date at the aquarium. It was like a dream come true. Ken couldn’t help but grab Kazutoshi’s hand tighter in his own. He truly did have everything at this moment.
Suddenly, Ken heard the bushes behind him rustle. He turned around, expecting to see a stray cat-
A snow-white fox leapt out of the bush, clearly visible against the rest of the dark road. Its fur seemed to glow in the moonlight, and it took a moment to paw at its face before sitting upright in the middle of the path.
Ken paled.
“Ken?” Kazutoshi asked beside him. His hand slid out of his grasp.
Ken glared at the white fox, trying his best not to hyperventilate.
Suddenly, red spots began to bloom from the fox’s muzzle. They rapidly grew more elaborate, twisting and turning like floral designs on a mask.
Masks.
The red was blood.
“N-no,” Ken gasped. “Get away-!”
The blood stains on the fox’s muzzle grew darker. The twisting lines grew into splatters, dripping down its fur. Ken’s breath hitched. An unspeakable fury flared within his chest.
“F-fuck you!” He spat out, fists curling with rage. “Leave us alone, a-and don’t ever come back!”
“Ken…?” Kazutoshi spoke uncertainly, several feet behind him. Ken rushed back to him and spread his arms out, attempting to shield him from her. “W-what the fuck is going on? Who are you talking to?!”
“D-don’t worry Kazutoshi.” Ken gritted his teeth. “I won’t let her get to you. N-not this time.”
“Ken!” Kazutoshi cried out, voice cracking. “Snap the fuck out of it! There’s nothing there!”
The tension in the air seemed to dissipate instantly. Ken blinked. The road was empty, with no fox or blood in sight. There was only Kazutoshi, breathing heavily, looking at him in terror.
“…So does the hallucination you had on the streets have anything to do with the nightmare from this morning?” Kazutoshi crossed his arms. They were in their bedroom now, sitting side-by-side on the edge of their bed.
“Y-yeah… Maybe.” Kazutoshi snorted.
“What, did a fox murder me or some fucked-up shit like that?” Ken could almost laugh at how accurate that claim was. Almost.
Of course, Ken could play dumb, console Kazutoshi, and return back to whatever their ordinary lives were. But the Kazutoshi of this world deserved to know what was causing Ken to act out. To some degree at least.
After all, this world was where Ken was to stay, wasn’t it?
“I… I couldn’t protect you,” Ken admitted. Kazutoshi raised an eyebrow. “You were… right there… A-and I couldn’t protect you.”
He could still remember the gruesome, bloody scene. Where Kazutoshi had died. Where a part of himself had died alongside him.
The worst part was that he had been right next door the entire time.
Kazutoshi took ahold of both Ken’s hands. Ken hadn’t even realized that they were trembling.
“But I’m here, aren’t I?” he said quietly. He brought his hands to his chest, leading Ken’s along with his. He could feel Kazutoshi’s heartbeat thumping underneath his pajamas. “I’m here with you.”
Something broke within Ken as he began to cry freely, hands still on Kazutoshi’s beating heart.
“K-Kazutoshi…” Ken sobbed. “D-don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me again. I can’t… I-I can’t…” Live without you, the last words refused to tumble out of his mouth, lodged in his throat like a painful thorn. Kazutoshi, however, seemed to get the message, and he gently wrapped his arms around Ken’s back.
“I’ve got you,” he murmured. The gentle strokes of his hand against his back soothed Ken, and he shuddered. “I’ll be right by your side. Always.”
“Even when you’re scared, even when you feel weak and vulnerable. Even when it feels like things’ll never be okay again. I’ll be there with you, Ken.”
“H-how do I know that though…?” Ken whimpered. It was so, so unfair. He knew millions of things about this world, but he did not know the one thing that mattered to him the most – how to keep his love by his side.
“You’ll have to believe in me,” his boyfriend said quietly. He lifted his head, red eyes meeting brown. “Because I love you.”
Ken let out an estranged cry.
“P-promise me, then… P-please… Tell me that you’re still here… Tell me that the fox is gone… Tell me that I still have a chance to protect you…”
“T-tell me that I can just love you forever, right here…”
Kazutoshi stayed silent. Ken’s heart thumped wildly.
“…I’ll be there for you, Ken. Because I care for you. Because I know how it feels when the entire world is against you.”
Kazutoshi’s arms gripped onto Ken’s back tighter, as if he was scared to let go too.
“…And because that’s what you’ve always done for me, isn’t it?”
Ken stopped breathing. Time screeched to a halt.
No. That can’t be.
He looked back at the boy in his arms.
Kazutoshi looked up at him wistfully, shoulder-length hair draped over his black hoodie.
The one from the killing game.
“I’ll always be there with you,” Kazutoshi said gently. “But it’s time to wake up, Ken.”
And wake up he did.
“…You don’t even have to come out,” Hama continued. “Just let me know you’re okay so I can tell people you aren’t dead.”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He hadn’t seen Hasegawa since the end of the third trial. Nobody had. He was worried that the kid might end up hurt or dead or maybe even worse.
Just when he was about to leave, the door creaked open, revealing an incredibly disheveled Hasegawa. Eye bags rested under his eyes. His skin was pale, but Hama could see beads of sweat on his forehead. His hair looked like it hadn’t been touched in ages.
“…Hey, kid,” Hama greeted sympathetically. Hasegawa glanced at him.
“…Hey,” The quiz show champion muttered to Hama. “…Thanks for checking up on me.”
But his eyes were dark and clouded, focused on something beyond Hama.
Something beyond anything the others could possibly manage to realize.