Knots untie

by legolastariel

Summary:

Daryl was leaving. It was senseless to stay. If he had ever had a reason to think about settling down, that reason was gone now, along with all his hopes and dreams. They didn’t need him here – Rick didn’t need him here. He had Michonne.
She was by his side now. She had his back and protected him against any possible danger out there. She had Carl’s love and confidence and took care of Judith. She was the person Rick asked for advice and to whom he turned when he needed company and someone to listen. She was everything Daryl used to be to Rick – and more.
After all of this time, Daryl had been replaced and rendered redundant. Slowly, silently, without a word, without a reason Rick had chosen to turn away from him and rely on her instead. Why stay another day?
There was nothing … no one for him here any longer.

Notes:

After Richonne became canon, "JUST" turned out to not be sufficient to deal with it. So after "Knots untie" I wrote this story, too. Sorry, here we go again with "poor Daryl" and "stupid Rick". :-) This was another "getting over Richonne being canon" therapy writing on my account.

 

Beta'ed by the lovely staceykc more than two years after it's been posted. Thanks a lot for your help, hon!

Chapter 1

Knots untie

 

It was the break of dawn and the first golden sunrays of this young Virginia morning peeked over the horizon, shining on a lone figure who quietly emerged from one of the houses and hurried down the street.
No one else seemed to be up at this hour of the day. The town of Alexandria still lay fast asleep, save for the few people on sentry at the gate and on top of the watchtower. All the better – he didn’t want to meet anyone, didn’t want questions and having to give explanations. This was hard enough to do as it was. The last thing he needed was people holding him up or even trying to stop him altogether. He had made up his mind and if he ever meant to do what he felt needed to be done, it was now or never.
He adjusted his backpack and cautiously glanced up and down another street before he walked around a corner and approached the gate. With each step he took his feet appeared to grow heavier, as did his heart, but there was no turning back now.

Daryl was leaving. It was senseless to stay. If he had ever had a reason to think about settling down, that reason was gone now, along with all his hopes and dreams. They didn’t need him here – Rick didn’t need him here. He had Michonne.
She was by his side now. She had his back and protected him against any possible danger out there. She had Carl’s love and confidence and took care of Judith. She was the person Rick asked for advice and to whom he turned when he needed company and someone to listen. She was everything Daryl used to be to Rick – and more.
After all of this time Daryl had been replaced and rendered redundant. Slowly, silently, without a word, without a reason Rick had chosen to turn away from him and rely on her instead. Why stay another day? There was nothing … no one for him here any longer.

Daryl took a deep breath and swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. He had been alone most of his life and he was good on his own – at least he used to be. He could do it again. Had to.

When he approached the gate the sentry on duty stepped into his path and gave him a scrutiny.

         “Hey, Daryl. You’re up early.”

Daryl gave a curt nod into the man’s direction.

         “Eugene.”

The younger man took a peek to the other man’s back and gave a satisfied nod.

         “Are you gonna go looking for that sorghum again? Appreciate it. We really
need …”

         “Will ya open the gate already? Ain’t gonna look for no stupid sorghum.”

Eugene cocked his head and looked at him deadpan.

         “Well, yeah, since you obviously plan to walk it would be kind of senseless looking for sorghum, since you had to carry it all the way back. But nevertheless …”

         “Open. The. Fucking. Gate!”

Daryl felt his patience run out and he was in no mood for Eugene’s antics. The younger man raised his hands defensively.

         “Alright already. No need to be so rude.”

He went over to the gate and unlocked it, having it slide open a moment later.
Daryl drew another deep breath. This was it. The road stretched out before him and it was entirely true what they said – even the longest journey started with a single step. Yet that first step seemed to be the hardest one to take. The sun had come up higher and shone right into Daryl’s face, making him blink a few times against the stinging sensation in his eyes. No sense in postponing matters further.

         “Take care, Eugene”, was all he said before he took a large step outside and then, without looking back, kept on walking in a hurried pace.

         “Will do”, were the last words he heard from behind him before the gate fell shut.

He followed down the road, not looking left or right - or back. His eyes firmly focused on the horizon, he forced his feet to move on - step by step, yard by yard, further and further away from Alexandria, away from him, away from everything he’d ever loved.
He tried not to think of anything in particular, like all the wonderful moments he had spent by Rick’s side. All the moments the younger man had made him feel appreciated and needed, maybe even loved. All the moments when Rick had trusted him and relied on him, only to suddenly push him away as though all those past months didn’t count anymore. They’d been friends, they’d been brothers and they could have been so much more. But Rick didn’t want him.

With an angry and frustrated snort, Daryl shook his head as though he could force the painful memories out of his head this way. The memories of that morning when Abraham, Glenn and he had been in pursuit of Jesus and almost ran into Rick and Michonne, half-naked on top of the stairs, obviously just coming out of Rick’s bedroom after they’d spent the night together. He remembered how he had frozen, unable to make another move, unable to say a word, while his mind had been screaming the same word over and over and over: No! No! NO! This wasn’t happening. This just couldn’t be happening.
Daryl couldn’t recall at all how Abraham, Carl, Glenn or Michonne had reacted – all he had taken in was Rick’s expression. How he had looked back at him with an air of embarrassment and guilt on his face. He hadn’t said a thing, but then, there’d been no reason for explanations – the scene had been obvious.
Daryl had been grateful back then for the commotion Jesus had caused – it was the perfect distraction, so no one had noticed how all color had drained from his face and every muscle in his body had tensed painfully. They hadn’t paid attention to the fact that he’d been quiet, not meeting anyone’s eyes – especially not Rick’s. And in all the noise and discussion no one had been able to hear his heart breaking, for he’d been sure back then that it should be clearly audible.

He’d been such a fool. What was he ever thinking? Rick wasn’t even to blame. When he first met him, he’d been married to Lori, and although they’d grown close and there had apparently been a bond between them, at no point had Rick ever given him reason to hope for more than friendship. The man was straight. He would never reciprocate his feelings. Whatever he had thought to sense in the way Rick had looked at him, in the words he had said to him, in how he had stood or sat close to him – that had all just been in his head. Wishful thinking. A dream. No more.
Same as poor Carol probably waited and hoped in the same way for him to respond to her flirting and approaches, while he had never had the guts to tell her. Tell her that it was futile for her to hope. That he wasn’t interested – not in her or any other woman for that matter. That his heart was already taken. He was in no way better than Rick – maybe even worse.

All these thoughts had invaded Daryl’s mind, despite his attempt to force them back. He didn’t even realize he had his hands clenched into fists. Didn’t feel his jaw muscles hurt while he gritted his teeth. He didn’t know that he had started to run at one point, as though he meant to flee from all of the memories, the lost dreams and  desperation. His body and soul alike were hurting and despite his fierce attempt to hold them back, tears were pooling in his eyes. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know where to go - didn’t know why to go on at all.

Back in Alexandria, Maggie squinted her eyes against the rising sun, while she watched the lone figure disappear into the distance.
She was on sentry duty up on  the watch tower and it wasn’t her business to ask questions when people left or arrived at the gate, but one of them leaving all by themself this early in the morning and on foot was odd. She had thought about leaving her post to find out was going on, but had dismissed that idea again – it was sort of senseless to have people on sentry when everybody was coming and going as they pleased due to a sudden impulse.
But when a moment later the person out there in the distance started running, she heard alarm bells go off in the back of her mind. Throwing caution to the wind, she climbed off the tower and hurried towards the gate.

         “Hey!”

Eugene came out of the corner he’d been leaning in and raised his eyebrows questioningly.

         “Hey what?”

Catching her breath, she stopped before him, pointing to the gate.

         “Did you let somebody leave?”

He gave a curt nod.
        
         “Affirmative.”

For a moment there she waited for him to name the person in question, but Eugene kept quiet.

         “Well?” Maggie felt her patience subside. “Who was it?”

         “Daryl.”

Her eyes shot to the gate.

         “Daryl? Why is he out there?”

         “Not looking for sorghum, that’s for sure.”

         “Sorghum? Why … what …?”

         “I specifically requested sorghum more than once, but each time those guys are out there, they only ever come back with …”

         “Eugene!” She reached for his shoulders, barely able to refrain from shaking him. “Why is Daryl out there all by himself and on foot?”

Eugene just shrugged.

         “Don’t know. He didn’t say.”

         “Haven’t you asked him?”

         “Negative.”

         “Why not?!”

         “He said to open the fucking gate and that he sure wasn’t going to look for any stupid sorghum. So I figured what he was up to was neither my business, nor of any interest to me.”

With wide eyes Maggie just stared at the man, giving him a ‘you can’t be for real’ look. Then she abruptly let go of his shoulders, turned on her heels and ran off without another word.
She didn’t care about her sentry duty for the time being. It was unlikely for anything to happen right then when she wasn’t there. The first person she met would be her replacement, no matter who it was or what else they had to do. But for now she had other things to worry about. Far more important things. She didn’t know just what was going on, but something was wrong – she could feel it.

         “Rick!”

She burst into the house without even slowing down, hoping for not having to wake the man she urgently needed to talk to. She had no desire to walk into him and Michonne the way Jesus had done a while back. She liked Jesus – he seemed to be a fairly reasonable guy with a good sense of humor and a talent for diplomacy. But obviously he was a chatterbox, too, because word on how he had startled the young couple after their first night together and had driven them out of bed, reaching for their weapons while standing in their birthday suits, had spread through town like wildfire. Much to the amusement of the entire population, save for Rick and Michonne.
The moment she rushed through the door she saw Rick sitting at the kitchen table and couldn’t help a relieved sigh, while she was trying to catch her breath.
He was by himself and had obviously just gotten up – his curls were an unruly mess and he was just wearing boxers, while he sipped his first cup of coffee.
The way she stormed into the house startled him and had him visibly flinch before he jumped to his feet with an alarmed frown on his face.

         “What’s the matter? What happened?”

Maggie drew a couple of deep breaths before she said:

         “Did you send Daryl out on a hunting trip or something?”

His frown deepened.

         “What? No. – Why?”

 

         “He left. Eugene opened the gate for him.”

Rick relaxed visibly and took another sip from his mug.

         “Maggie, Daryl’s a grown man. Maybe he just needed to be alone for a while or felt like hunting – no reason to bring the house down.”

It was her turn to frown.

         “Rick, he had a backpack with him and I saw him walking all the way down the street, straight ahead – he didn’t go into the woods and he even started running at one point. Doesn’t look like a hunting trip to me. And he wouldn’t go on a supply run all by himself, on foot, without telling anyone.”
She paused, while a worried air came to her pretty face.
“I think he left, Rick.”

The man’s confusion was palpable.

         “Left? For what?”

         “For good!”

Rick placed his mug onto the table so forcefully that its contents spilled and burned his fingers. He didn’t even notice.

         “What’s that supposed to mean? Why would he leave?”

Without even waiting for an answer he turned on his heels and ran to the small room in back of the house that Daryl had occupied ever since they had arrived in Alexandria. A moment later Rick came back into the kitchen, running his hands through his hair several times in dismay.

         “You’re right. All his stuff is gone. He … he just left. Without saying a word. Without telling me where he’s going. – Why did he leave, Maggie?

         “Rick, we can stand here all day and discuss all of our theories, or you could hurry up to follow him and just ask him yourself.”

For a second he just stared at her, torn between admiration and envy of her diplomatic skills. Against him she would win any debate any day. And she was right, too.
The next moment he cursed under his breath while he hurried up the stairs to gather his clothes. Only seconds later he came back down, his shirt not buttoned yet and fumbling with the belt of his jeans. He grabbed the car keys from a coffee table he passed, while he ran to the front door.

“Which direction did he go?”

         “East. But he’s way over the hill by now and I’ve got no idea where he went from there.”

He gave a affirmative nod and then was out the door. The next second he reappeared in the doorway, looking at her impatiently.

         “You coming?”

She shook her head.

         “I’m on sentry duty. Actually, I left my post and gotta get back there. Besides – I think this may be something the two of you had better talk about in private.”

Another frown appeared on his handsome features.

         “Why’s that?”

         “Because you used to be the person he was closest to. Whenever there was something he meant to discuss, anything at all on his mind, he turned to you. He hasn’t done that now, has he? Looks as though the problem lies with you.”

At a loss for words Rick just stared at her for moment, then he turned on his heels and left without any further word.
The problem lies with you.
Come to think of it, Daryl had changed recently. He had been withdrawn, moody, avoiding him and sometimes just sitting in some quiet corner, brooding. Rick had meant to question him about all that, but in the end … he hadn’t.
The mere fact that Daryl hadn’t come to see him anymore, hadn’t asked him to hang out for a beer or to just talk and that he hardly ever met his eyes at all lately was indication enough that indeed the problem did lie with him. Rick knew that he should have talked to him, should have tried to clear things up, but he had shunned the confrontation. It was obvious that he had said or done something that had angered or hurt Daryl, but …

         “You didn’t want to hear it, Grimes”, he secretly chided himself. “You were a selfish bastard, once more only thinking about how you felt, what you wanted, unwilling to have anyone bring any clouds to your sky.”

Angry about himself, he forcefully kicked at a stone that dared obstruct his way to the car. He was the leader of this town now, regardless of whether he had asked for that position or not. It was his duty to worry about the concerns of everybody living there, yet the only one he obviously kept thinking of was Rick Grimes.
How could he just ignore Daryl all this time? Daryl of all people. If it hadn’t been for that man, he would have died countless times out there. If it hadn’t been for that man, no one would have taken care of his children the way he had, when Rick was sorting things out. Daryl, who had always stood by him, had always supported and defended him – not only against the walkers, but against the living as well. Daryl, who’d been the most loyal friend he’s ever had.

         You’re my brother.

         “Damn!”

Rick slammed the door of the car shut forcefully and started the engine, while he angrily clenched his teeth. How many more times would he do people wrong? How many times would he screw up, because of his selfishness and arrogance?
Yeah, so he had this new and thrilling thing going with Michonne – what exactly this thing was, he couldn’t even tell. But because of that he had neglected everything else – his children, his duties as chief of this town and most of all the one person who had been closer to him than anyone else. It wasn’t Daryl who had changed, it was him – and not for the better, again. After the supply run when they had first met Jesus, he had promised Daryl to listen from now on. And in the same night he had started his fling … affair … relationship … whatever … with Michonne, and all promises had been forgotten.
The world had once more revolved around Rick Grimes alone. Maybe Daryl had tried to talk to him, to tell him about the reason that in the end had made him leave. But Rick hadn’t paid attention, had not listened as he had promised.

The car sped towards the gate and came to an abrupt stop with squealing tires. He honked immediately.

He had to find Daryl. There was no way in the world he would let him simply leave like that, without a word, without an explanation, without saying goodbye.

         And then what? he almost instantly heard the little voice inside of his head, that had spoken up far too few times lately. If you find him and he does tell you why and says his goodbyes, will you just let him leave then?

Rick felt a painful knot tie in the pit of his stomach. Saying good bye to Daryl? A life in Alexandria without him? A life anywhere without him? Never seeing him again?

He almost pushed the button through the steering wheel when he once more honked forcefully, yelling at the same time:

         “Come on, open the fucking gate!”

Eugene appeared at his window like out of nowhere, totally unimpressed by Rick’s agitation.

         “You brought the car – good. Are you going to look for that sorghum I requested, because …”

         “No, I will not go look for any stupid sorghum. Open that gate – now!”

Eugene’s expression darkened.
        
         “Why is everybody calling it stupid sorghum? You guys haven’t heard a word of what I told you the other day, have you? It’s important …”

The sentence was cut off when Rick pushed the car door open and roughly shoved Eugene out of the way in the process. Without giving the other man a second look, he ran to the gate, pushed it open and was back into the car and out on the street only seconds later.
Shaking his head in annoyance, Eugene followed him with his eyes for a moment, before he dared yell after him:

         “Fine! You know what, I’m gonna go look for that sorghum myself. Don’t think you and that Dixon hotshot are the only ones who can do runs.”

The walker who’d gotten stuck days ago on one of the many spears they had left for defensive measures around the gate, gave an aggressive hiss in his direction and had Eugene retract almost instantly.

         “Mark my words!” he added, but in a lot lower volume and more than half-hearted.

He closed the door and could barely refrain from sulking.

         “And goes for you, too – there’s no reason to be so rude”, he muttered to himself.

 

Rick stepped on the gas pedal until his foot almost broke through the floor panel. Daryl hadn’t been gone for too long and he was walking, so it shouldn’t be too hard to catch up with him. Even if he’d been running the entire time, he still should be in the radius of only few miles, but for a reason he couldn’t quite put his finger on, Rick felt the urge to go as fast as only possible. He had to catch up with him. He had to stop him.
About four miles down the road he hit the brakes forcefully, making the car sling and squeal, before it came to a stop. He found himself sitting in the middle of an intersection, which gave him the choice of three directions to follow.
Rick cursed under his breath and looked into all three of them, hoping to see Daryl somewhere, but there was no sign of the older man. He could have turned in any direction from here. Maybe he hadn’t even stayed on the road and was making his way through the woods – in that case, Rick may even have passed him without noticing him. No matter where he went from here, if Daryl wasn’t even close to the road any longer, he had no way of finding him. Especially if the other man didn’t mean to be found. Yet he had to try. There was no way he would simply turn back and give up. No way.
He tried to make a decision and came to the conclusion that if Daryl meant to get as far away from Alexandria as possible, he would have proceeded straight on. The next moment he accelerated once more and followed the road further ahead, much slower than before though. Looking left and right into the trees, he proceeded on his search.

He didn’t know how long he had already been looking for Daryl, when he arrived at the intersection for the third time. An hour or maybe even two must have passed by now, but there was no sign of the other man anywhere.
After Rick had gone looking for a few miles in the first direction, not seeing Daryl anywhere, he had turned back to the intersection and had followed in a ninety-degree angle from there, only to repeat the same procedure when his search had rendered futile there, too.
Now he was back where he had started and all three directions had proved to be a dead loss. Frustrated he got out of the car, stretched his aching back and then kicked the front tire helplessly. He didn’t have a clue where to go next, what to do, how to enlarge his chances of finding Daryl – or how to accept the fact that he may never find him again.

         “Ya still can’t track for shit.”

The well-known voice behind him had Rick whirl around on his heels and find himself looking into Daryl’s face. He gave a relieved sigh and took a step towards the other man, when he noticed Daryl for his part taking a step back and crossing the arms before his chest defensively. With a frown on his face Rick stopped.

         “Mind telling me what you are doing out here?” he asked instead.

         “Me? Whadda you doin’? Ya crossed the same intersection three times in the past hour. Seems ta me yer pretty damn lost without a tracker, Grimes.”

Rick’s mouth gaped open.

         “How d’you know I passed this intersection three times?”

         “Been watchin’ ya. Took a break in that tree over there and ‘twas quite funny ta see ya takin’ a li’l cruise.”

Rick’s eyes narrowed, while he tried to keep his anger at bay.

         “You watched me? I was looking for you, goddammit, and you just let me keep on searching half of the fucking state for you?”

Daryl shrugged his shoulders, while his eyes narrowed in annoyance as well.

         “How ‘s I supposed ta know ya was lookin’ for me? Didn’t ask ya to. Thought Eugene set ya up for another search for sorghum.”

Rick’s frown deepened.

         “What is it with that blasted sorghum lately?”
He looked into the other man’s shadow blue eyes and something in Daryl’s look made him understand that sorghum wasn’t really their topic here.
“Come on, Daryl, cut the crap. Were you hiding from me?”

         “And if I was – what’s it to ya?”

The blue eyes were blazing angrily all of a sudden and the inflection was clearly defensive. It had been quite a while since Rick had last seen Daryl react this way. No, he secretly corrected himself, he had seen Daryl angry many times, but that anger hadn’t been directed towards him in a long time.

         The problem lies with you …

He heard Maggie’s words echo in the back of his mind and they had him sober down instantly. Wasn’t he here to talk to Daryl, to ask him what exactly that problem was? Didn’t he go looking for him to sort things out and persuade him to come back home with him? Then why was he picking a fight instead and kept arguing about …nothing.

He took a deep breath and then replied calmly:
         “Can we just talk, please?”

         “We are talkin’, but I ain’t got all day. So say what ya gotta say.”

Again, Rick took in a deep breath before he asked:
         “Where are you going?”

         “Dunno yet. Will see. Wherever the wind blows me – same way I’ve always lived.”

Rick raised his arms in a helpless gesture.

         “But why? I don’t get it. We really got a chance to build something in Alexandria, Daryl. And …”

         “Yeah”, the older man cut in, “ya do that. Good luck.”

         “I said we, Daryl. That means all of us. It’s your home, too.”

         “Nah, it ain’t. Never was. It’s yer home and that of … the others. Ain’t for me.”

         “Why not?” Rick sounded agitated all of a sudden. “You can’t spend all of your life on your own. Don’t you want to settle down?”

He stopped when he saw a reaction in Daryl’s eyes and noticed the other man clench his teeth violently.

         “I would’ve, Rick.” His inflection was as sharp as Michonne’s Katana. “With the right person, I would have. But Alexandria ain’t makin’ no difference for me – I’m alone there, too.”

A confused frown appeared on the younger man’s face.

         “But … what about Carol …?

         “Carol?!” Daryl’s voice had picked up in volume. “Ya really got no idea, don’t ya? After all this time ya still know shit about me and the sad thing is, ya don’t give a damn, either.”

         “’Course I give a damn. I wouldn’t be out here looking for you, if I didn’t.”

         “Yeah, same as ya would look for anyone else or some stray dog. I don’t need yer charity, Rick Grimes.”

Anger flared up in the younger man.

         “What do you need, for crying out loud? What do you want?”

Daryl just looked at him for a long moment, his intense gaze making Rick shift his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. He didn’t understand. This entire scenario was totally confusing.

         “Forget it, Rick! If ya haven’t figured it out by now, it’s senseless ta talk about it.”

Daryl made a move to walk away once more, but Rick’s agitated words made him stop.

         “Hold it right there! You’re not gonna leave me here like that – I want some answers.”

Daryl’s expression darkened visibly.

         “And as usual it’s all about what you want, right? If yer so damn smart and pretend ta care so much – tell me, whadda ya think I want?”

Rick shrugged.

         “I was hoping you’d want the same as I do – a place to stay, a somewhat normal life again as far as that’s possible, a family …”

         “And y’know what – maybe yer even right. Maybe that was exactly what I wanted, but things changed. I ‘s a fool ta think I could have all that, but that hope’s lost. There ain’t nothin’ for me back in Alexandria.

         “But why? What …? Did Carol …?”

         “I don’t give a fuck about Carol!!”
He’d been yelling that one sentence at Rick and it took him a moment to compose himself, before he continued.
“She’s a friend and I like her, a lot, but I could never love her. Not like that. D’ya got that now? Damn, I’ve loved someone else for a long time, but …”

Rick had just stared at his friend speechlessly, his thoughts racing. Daryl’s fierce reaction had stunned him and never before had the older man revealed so many emotions. What he said, surprised Rick. Or didn’t it? In a way he had always thought that there was something going on between Carol and Daryl, but then again – she had always sought his company, she had clung to him like a leech and if there had ever been a tender gesture at all, it had always been initiated by her alone. If there was anything related to love between them at all, it was single-sided. How could he not have seen that? Had he not wanted to see that Daryl’s heart belonged to someone else? And if so, why not?
Whom was the older man talking about anyway? And why should being in love with that person be a reason for him to leave?
         The problem lies with you.

He felt all color drain from his face. Those words hadn’t been meant literally, had they?

         “Oh no”, he heard himself say, cutting into Daryl’s words, “it’s not Michonne, is it?”

Daryl’s eyes narrowed even further and his face turned the deepest shade of red Rick had ever seen.

         “Michonne?!”

The same second he had yelled that one word in Rick’s face his fist came forward and socked the younger man on the jaw, having Rick drop to the ground with a violent thud. Daryl stood over him, his hands clenched to fists, panting heavily in order to get his rage as well as his racing heartbeat under control.

         “No, ya dumbass, it ain’t Michonne. It’s you, goddammit!”

After all this time, after all they had been through, Rick really had no idea how he felt? Did he ever listen to a word he’d said to him? Did he ever really look at him? Was he really just Daryl to him? 
You are his henchman. That’s what Carol had said to him once and he had dismissed that back then, had told her, no, Rick had done right by him. And he had. He’d been a friend, he had put confidence in him, had relied on him like no one else had ever done before, and Daryl was positive that Rick truly cared for him. But not enough.
Not enough to read between the lines and hear the things Daryl had said without breathing a word. Not enough to see, really see that Daryl had been reaching out to him without ever touching. Not enough to ever really know him.

Without a further word he suddenly turned around and walked away with large, angry strides. It took all the self-control he possessed to not start running again. That would have been senseless anyhow, for he could walk away from Rick, but never from all the pain and frustration, his lost dreams and false hopes and the realization that fate obviously hated him with a vengeance.

         Why am I not enough?

He couldn’t help that thought. It had been there all his life – ever since he’d been old enough to understand that he was no more than a burden to his mother, a terrible disappointment to his father and just Daryl, the pain in the neck little brother to Merle. Just another mouth to feed in a family that wasn’t known for working hard and where the little money that was there at all, was rather spent on booze than food or clothes for children neither parent had ever wanted. No matter what Daryl had ever done so they would even see him and appreciate him being there at all – it hadn’t been enough.
        
         Why am I never enough?

Chapter 2

He heard hurried footsteps behind him as Rick tried to catch up with him. Daryl didn’t turn to look at him – didn’t care to see the expression on the other man’s face. What was he thinking of him now? Was he shocked? Was he repulsed? Did he hate him, too, just like his ol’ man had done when he had found out? Was he disappointed? Was he angry and maybe even out to return the blow?
Whatever it was, Daryl was sure to not see a smile on Rick’s face. It would have taken so little to bring some joy back into Daryl’s life – just a smile from Rick, no more. But if he smiled at all lately, those smiles were reserved for Michonne or his children. Never him.
As soon as he felt that the other man was close behind him, he said without even slowing down:

         “Ya ain’t gotta say anythin’. Don’t matter no more. Just leave me the fuck alone and go home.”

Rick’s hand on his shoulder made him stop despite himself.

         “Why …?” Rick breathed in deep. “Why did you never say anything?”

Daryl whirled around.

         “Say anything? Like what, Rick? Should I’ve walked up to an apparently straight guy going: ‘Hey, did ya know I ‘s gay ‘n’ I got the hots for ya?’ Would ya still have wanted ta be friends, ta hang out with me or go on runs - alone?”

Rick opened his mouth to reply, but Daryl never gave him a chance to.

         “Ain’t no man who talks ‘bout emotions ‘n’ stuff, ya know that. And also …”, he swallowed hard, “ya was the first friend I ever had. I couldn’t risk losin’ ya.”

Daryl almost choked on every word he said, every word he was forced to say, because it was true – talking about emotions wasn’t easy for him. He had always figured that with the right person it wasn’t necessary to say them straight out – that they would know. Perhaps he’d been wrong or – and that perception hurt even more – Rick had just never been the right person.
It didn’t matter anymore. Whether Rick would ever have figured it out or not, what he would have thought or how he would have reacted, if Daryl had ever revealed his feelings for him. It did not matter anymore. He had lost him - one way or the other.

Frustration got the better of the older man.

         “Ya know, Rick, I really thought I didn’t have ta tell ya anything. I thought I showed ya how much I care. Wasn’t I always there? Didn’t I do everything I could ta support ‘n’ protect ya? I took care a’ yer kids for ya ‘n’ not just ta give ya a hand, but because … ‘cause … I luv ‘em as though they was ma own.”
Again, he had to swallow hard against a lump in his throat before he continued:
“The night with the Claimers … when they threatened yer life, and Carl’s … I woulda died for ya, Rick Grimes, ‘cause I value yer life more than ma own. What more could I’ve done ta make ya understand? What more does it take for ya ta see that someone loves ya?”

He gave the other man a helpless shove, while Rick just stood there totally flabbergasted, staring at him speechlessly.

         “And after all that ya just fuckin’ replaced me. From one day to the next ya turn ta Michonne if ya wanna talk or need advice or company. She is a substitute mom ta Carl and Judith now, which is okay – they need a mother – but I never even get ta see ‘em no more. She’s everything to ya now that I used to be – and more. I just don’t matter no more. Ya don’t give a damn.”

         “That’s not true!” Rick cut in fiercely.

         “It is! Ya haven’t even noticed, have ya? Do you even know why you do the things ya do? And don’t dish out any crap now ‘bout bein’ madly in love with Michonne – that’s bullshit, man. Only four weeks ago Jessie died. Another girl ya claimed ta love, yet the dust hasn’t even settled ‘n’ ya already bumpin’ uglies with the next. Yer dick’s doin’ the thinkin’ for ya these days, Rick, not yer heart. But have it yer way. Just don’t expect me ta stand by ‘n’ watch.”

Once more he turned around to walk away.

         “Wait!”

Again, he was stopped by Rick’s hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off immediately.

         “I’m done waitin’, Rick. Been doin’ that for the longest time. I know when the battle’s lost. If ya haven’t gotten it by now, ya never will, so I ain’t got no reason ta stay any longer.”
He paused for a moment and looked deep into the sky-blue eyes he loved so much.
“Take care a’ yerself. And Carl. He’s grown into quite a guy – reminds me of ya in many ways. And give Judith a kiss from me.”

With a parting nod he resumed his walk down the road, while Rick stood frozen in his spot. On walking away he thought he heard Daryl add “My Li’l Asskicker” in a choked voice, before the older man picked up his pace and headed straight into the woods a moment later. Away from the open road, away from Rick – out of sight. Gone.

Rick was unable to move, unable to say a word, unable to even think straight. His confusion was palpable and he was unable to comprehend complete what had just transpired.
This felt like a déjà-vu. It was like when Daryl left with Merle – the same words, the same hurt and yet hopeful expression, the same long look as though he was waiting for Rick to do something, say something. Anything. And just like back then the leader was at a total loss for words, didn’t know what to do or say.
All he knew was that it hurt – it hurt to watch Daryl leave back then, and it did so now. Maybe even more so. A feeling that confused Rick even further.

 

When he arrived back at the gate of Alexandria, he couldn’t even tell how he had gotten there. He couldn’t remember getting back into the car, starting the engine and driving back home. He hadn’t taken anything in along the way – not the occasional walkers, not the woods, not the road in front of him, nothing.
All he had seen was Daryl’s hurt expression, the way his eyes had been so incredibly sad, his inflection that had sounded so lost when he had referred to Judith as “my li’l asskicker” before he had disappeared out of sight. Out of sight. Gone.

Rick honked the horn once and the gate was opened surprisingly quick. He couldn’t help sighing when he saw Eugene walk up to the driver’s window almost instantly.

         “Hey. You’re back”, he stated matter-of-factly. “Did you find …”

         “If you dare use the word sorghum now, I’m gonna shoot you right here and now, Eugene!”

Without even waiting for a reply, Rick stepped on the gas pedal and the car sped through the open gate and down the street, leaving Eugene in a cloud of dust. Running his hands through his mullet to make sure Rick’s inconsiderate driving hadn’t messed up his hair, Eugene went to close the gate, while his eyes followed the car.

         “Actually, I was gonna say ‘Did you find Daryl’, but I guess not”, he muttered to himself. “Still no need to be so rude.”

Arriving at his house, Rick walked up the steps to the front porch with heavy feet and an even heavier heart. He hadn’t even thought about closing the car door. He was in a trance, for a moment standing totally frozen on the porch, staring at the spot in one corner where he used to sit with Daryl not too long ago, shoulder to shoulder, talking, perhaps sharing a beer, or just sitting quietly next to each other, enjoying the other’s presence – silence had never been awkward between them. He was never going to sit there with Daryl again.

Drawing a deep breath he opened the door and walked in, finding himself face to face with Michonne the next moment. She was sitting at the table, sipping the coffee he had made that morning and got up immediately on his arrival.

         “Where have you been? The car was gone and …”

         “Daryl”, he cut in with a toneless inflection, again drawing a deep breath. “He left.”

A frown appeared on Michonne’s face.

         “Left? Where to?”

Rick gave a helpless shrug.
        
         “Dunno. He just left.”

         “When’s he gonna be back?”

The lump in Rick’s throat threatened to choke him.

         “Never. He’s gone.”

Her eyes widened.

         “Why?”

         “Because … because he’s crossed in love. Loves someone he thinks he can never have and so doesn’t see a future for himself here.”

For a moment Rick was surprised about the way he had just put it. Why didn’t he say someone he can never have?

Michonne gave him a scrutiny before she said:

         “Someone he thinks he can never have?”

Rick looked at her in surprise. While he had put it that way merely subconsciously, she had noticed it right away. She didn’t even ask whom he was talking about. Not a word about Carol. Was it possible …?

         “Did you know that Daryl …?”

         “I had a hunch.”

Rick’s mouth gaped open.

         “You knew that he’s gay?”

She shrugged.

         “Like I said – I had a hunch. He turned Carol down often enough, but at first I figured she just wasn’t his type. But here in Alexandria, among more than fifty people, there should have been someone. Yet he always hovered around you. And for being a little on the asocial side, he made friends quite quickly with Aaron and Eric, as well as Denise and Tara … You know, gay couples, as though he had found related souls in them.”

She cocked her head, looking him straight in the eyes before she added:

         “Rick, you just had to watch him around you. If a guy is willing to lay down his life for you, it’s more than friendship.”

Rick ran both of his hands through his hair, shaking his head.
Daryl had been his closest friend ever since … no, even before Shane’s death. How could he not have noticed? Had he really not noticed?

         “I’ve always been wondering, you know”, Michonne continued. “That night back then with the Claimers … You risked a lot when you headbutted that guy who put his gun to your head. When you said ‘Let him go’, did you mean Carl – or Daryl?”

He froze and just stared at her for a moment, lost in memories of a night he would have liked to forget forever. His guts cramped painfully as he relived it now.
         Carl or Daryl?
Those men had threatened to rape and kill his son, but when Rick had decided to act they hadn’t done more than pull the boy out of the car, pinning him to the ground. At that point he hadn’t been in acute danger.
But he could still hear the violent blows that had hit Daryl. He could still see the archer double over, his face distorted in pain, not fighting back though. Daryl had been willing to endure it until the bitter end, hoping that his sacrifice would still the bloodthirst of those monsters, hoping to be able to save Rick’s life – and Carl’s – by giving his own.
And Rick remembered how he had felt in that moment. How each blow his friend had to take, hurt him as though it had hit him as well. They meant it. They wouldn’t stop. They were going to kill Daryl right before his eyes.
His Daryl.

         My God.

Rick’s eyes grew large and Michonne understood the look in them instantly.

         “Yeah”, she said gravely, “that’s what I thought.”

Again, Rick ran both hands through his curls helplessly, while he started to pace, his thoughts racing and his emotions in a turmoil.
What was going on? How was it possible that he had felt this strongly for Daryl all this time, yet never really knew it? Or did he? Was that the reason why he had first started the affair with Jessie and now with Michonne? A pathetic and shameful attempt to prove that he was 100% straight and that this just wasn’t true?
Was he homophobic and had seriously denied the way he felt, because he couldn’t accept it? Did he feel a lesser man, because he had fallen for another guy? And if so, did he consider Daryl to be a lesser man for that matter?

He shook his head again fiercely.

No, no – none of that was true. He wasn’t homophobic and he had never seen anything less in Daryl than what he was – the greatest guy he’d ever met. He was just scared. Scared witless to once more lose someone he loved with all of his heart.
         He’d loved Lori, despite how things had run in their marriage in the end. He had loved her. And lost.
Shane. He’d been his best friend ever since they were ten years old. He grew up with him, shared the larger part of his life with him – of course, he had loved him. In a different way than Daryl, but nevertheless. And he had lost him, too.
It had hurt so bad each time, and he had never wanted to hurt that much again.

         I’m not taking chances anymore.

And then Daryl had laid down his life for him. Right at that moment Rick had known. Known how Daryl felt for him – and that he reciprocated those feelings.
After that, things had never been the same. There was an uneasiness, a worry that had nagged deep down inside, a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach he couldn’t put his finger on, but that wouldn’t let him find any rest.
And then, in Terminus, when he’d been tied up and gagged with Daryl by his side, the guy with the baseball bat in their back, waiting for a signal from Gareth to slaughter them – he had known.
Once more Daryl’s life had been at stake and he had found himself unable to bear the thought of Daryl dying. He hadn’t worried for himself, or Glenn who’d been there with them – his only concern had been for the archer. If anything, anything at all, should ever happen to him, the pain would hit him once more with full force and he wasn’t sure that he could bear it without going insane.
But this was a dangerous world. Anything could happen. There were no guarantees on a long and happy life together. It could end at any given time. The only way to protect his heart was to deny those emotions, to force himself to not love Daryl anymore, to distract himself by having relationships with other people – people he liked and did care for, but whose death wouldn’t leave him devastated. 
So he had settled for second best – believing in all earnest that he could avoid pain that way. In the end the opposite was true. He had hurt Daryl, he had hurt Jessie, and now Michonne, too. And the only thing he had desperately tried to prevent – to lose Daryl – was exactly what his inconsiderate actions had caused.

For a while there he’d been able to delude himself. Had pretended to see signs of love between Daryl and Carol. Had told himself that it had probably all just been in his head and that Daryl would be happy – with her.

         You are helluva fucking idiot, Grimes!

Michonne’s voice pulled him out of his brooding.

         “Hey! You’re still with me?”

There was guilt and shame written all over his face when he turned to her, and instantly her pretty features turned to a stony façade.

         “Oh, really, Rick? Really?”

         “Michonne, I’m …”
        
         “Don’t say it! Don’t you dare say anything you don’t really mean to me ever again!”

         “I mean it. I am sorry. I was confused, I couldn’t deal with how I felt, couldn’t …it’s complicated. But I never meant to hurt anyone – Daryl, you …”

She gave an angry snort.

         “Why am I not surprised it’s once again his name first – as usual.”

She crossed her arms before her chest, obviously not trusting herself to not slap his face any moment now.
        
“I wanna know exactly what’s been going on between the two of you. You been screwing him, too?”

         “No! Are you listening to what I’m saying? I … He …Damn.”

He stopped, unable to put in words what he meant to say. Unable to put in words what he felt.
Chaos. In his head as well as in his heart. Chaos.
Again, he started pacing, his confusion palpable, while Michonne watched him quietly.

This wasn’t a man who’d been cheating. This wasn’t a man who’d been lying to her or had led her on deliberately. This wasn’t a man who’d just been using her for his pleasure, while his heart belonged to someone else.
This was a man who had lost the way. Whose own emotions had scared him and led him astray, had him make a wrong decision – or perhaps had him act on impulse, without making a decision at all.

         “Rick.”

Her voice was calm, yet bore the emphasis it needed to have him stop pacing and look at her.

         “I’m not gonna make a scene here. That’s not my style. I just want you to honestly tell me one thing – do you love Daryl?”

His eyes widened and he opened his mouth right away, but her warningly raised finger had him reconsider.

         “No. Crap. – I think I deserve an honest answer. We all do. So you better mean what you’re gonna say next.”

He raised his arms in a helpless gesture and, breathing in deep, she decided to show him a way out of his confusion.

         “It’s quite easy, you know. He left. He’s out there somewhere. Gone for good, if you won’t bring him back. With each passing second, chances of ever finding him are fading further and further.”

With each word she saw the pain in his eyes increase. This was cruel, but the only way to have him finally acknowledge how he felt.

         “Now tell me, Rick, how does that make you feel? Can you live with that?”

He held on to the backrest of a nearby chair, as though his strength had suddenly left him, and shook his head while his eyes had become suspiciously shiny.

         “I want him back, Michonne. – I’m sorry.”

That was all he was able to choke out. All the answer she needed.
She pulled in a deep breath and suddenly stood straight as a rod, the mere picture of a woman with pride and strength.

         “You don’t have to be sorry on my account, Rick. It’s not me you’ve hurt so bad that leaving was the only option left.”

When she saw him squeeze his eyes shut, visibly shaken, she took a step closer and placed a hand gently to his cheek.
The blue eyes open reluctantly and locked with her deep brown ones.

         “I care for you, Rick Grimes. And this”, her other hand gestured between the two of them, “this really could have worked. We’re a good team.”

She pecked his lips before taking a step back.

         “But you and Daryl – you two are the perfect team. I’ve always known that – we all have. It’s just … hey, a girl gets lonely sometimes and you’re a great guy. So while it lasted, I really enjoyed being by your side.”
She straightened her back determinedly.
         “But I’ve had my share of crappy boyfriends. Last one got my baby killed. And even before that, drugs and alcohol were more important than I was. I deserve better. I deserve someone who’s devoted to me 100% - and so does Daryl. I don’t settle for less and I don’t share. So you gotta make a decision now – him or me.”

Deep down inside she knew he’d already made that decision. In his heart he’d made it a long time ago. But she had to hear it from him, wanted him to totally and completely acknowledge his feelings – finally. His answer didn’t surprise her.

         “I love him, Michonne.”

It was said quietly, barely more than a whisper, but she had heard him loud and clear as though he had yelled.
She would have lied, if she said that his rejection didn’t hurt her. She did care for him and she had liked him for a long time – in time, it could have been love, at least on her side. But to fight for him was senseless when his heart belonged to someone else already – in fact, had been Daryl’s probably before she had even met him. She and Rick had only been together for a short while, but he and Daryl went way back. In a way, they had been a couple ever since the day they met.
She knew when a battle was lost and it was time to retreat. And she liked Rick way too much to begrudge him his happiness – on the contrary. She wanted him to be happy. He deserved it. They all deserved it. And if Rick and she couldn’t be happy together, they should both find someone else. His search was over. One day, she was sure of that, hers would be, too.

         I love him, Michonne.

         “You should hurry to find him then, and finally tell him.”

She reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, holding on to it for a moment.

         “It’s just … I really love Carl and Judith. I’d like to still see them, if you don’t mind.”

He returned the squeeze to his hand and a smile spread over his face.

         “Michonne, you can see them as often as you like. And not just because especially Carl has taken a shine to you. In case you haven’t noticed – we’re all still living in the same house.”

         “Oh yeah, about that – when Daryl’s back and the two of you are … well, sharing the room upstairs, I want his room. You tell him that. That’s the deal. Only damn room in this madhouse with some privacy.”

Rick couldn’t help laughing at that and an amused grin appeared on her face as well.
He tugged at the hand that still held his and pulled her into a hug. Her arms reached around him and with a sigh she placed her head to his shoulder.

         “I will miss that”, she said softly.

He placed a gentle kiss on her head.

         “Don’t see why you should. It’s a hug between friends, isn’t it?”

         “Friends. Yeah. Sounds good to me. Just not friends with benefits any longer, huh?”

He released her and pulled back a little to look her in the eyes.

         “Would you want that?”

She raised one eyebrow.

         “Would you?”

They held each other’s gaze for a long moment, then a smirk spread over Rick’s face. He bent forward and whispered in her ear:

         “Nope. And neither would you.”

She pulled back and gave him a nudge against the chest.

         “Damn right, Grimes, and your ‘nope’ just saved you from getting your nose punched.” A sad smile flashed over her face. “Daryl’s one lucky bastard.”

Just when Rick meant to reply to that, a sound in Michonne’s back had him look up and they both noticed Carl standing in the doorway to the hall, Judith on his arm. He looked from one of the adults to the other and Rick’s question was inevitable.

         “How long have you been standing there?”

         “You know the answer, dad. Long enough.”

Rick looked over to Michonne, cursing under his breath. Carl wasn’t a little boy anymore, but the way he was finding out about his father’s love life lately wasn’t how Rick would have liked to handle things at all. Carl kept running into scenes or learned about it eavesdropping.
Before he had a chance to react, Michonne had walked over to him, lifted Judith off his arm and then gave the boy a stern look.

         “I don’t appreciate you eavesdropping on our conversation, young man. Don’t let me catch you doing it ever again.”

He looked at her for a moment, then a wide grin spread over his face.

         “Thank God, you’re gonna be just a friend again. You already sound like my mom, you know that?”

That remark had the mouths of both adults gap open.

         “Doesn’t mean I won’t give you a spanking nevertheless, if you dare smart off to me here.”

Carl smiled at her.

         “You wouldn’t.”

She tried to keep a straight face, but in the next moment she couldn’t help giggling.

         “Nah, I wouldn’t.”

A relieved sigh behind them had the woman and the boy look over to where Rick had anxiously watched the exchange.

         “Have you heard everything Michonne and I’ve been talking about?”

         “Guess so”, Carl said, shrugging.

Drawing a deep breath, Rick probed:

         “And what do you think?”

         “About you not being with Michonne any longer? Or about you wanting to date Daryl from now on?”

Rick couldn’t help running a hand through his hair once more. God, this sounded like a really bad soap opera and his teenage son was caught right in the middle.

         “Both.”

         “Dad, that’s none of my business. It’s for you to decide. Whatever makes you happy is fine with me. I love them both – Michonne and Daryl.”

The next moment he was pulled into a bear hug by both, Rick and Michonne, Judith in their middle, and Rick felt his heart being a lot lighter already.

 

The sound of the front door opening had them break apart and only a moment later Denise, with Tara in her tow, showed up in the doorway. Almost simultaneously there were footsteps on the stairs as Glenn and Maggie hurried downstairs. They all piled into the room and had Michonne give Rick a meaningful look.

         “See”, she whispered to him, “madhouse.”

He suppressed a grin while he looked at the assembly before him.

         “Hey”, Denise spoke first, “is it true that Daryl left town this morning?”

She noticed Rick, Michonne as well as Maggie giving a confirmative nod.

         “Eugene said you went looking for him. Well, we saw the car … and … so you’re back … er, just wanted to know … well, …”

One of Tara’s eyebrows was lifted and she gave her girlfriend a get-to-the-point-nudge to the side, barely able to refrain from rolling her eyes. She loved Denise, but that woman sure had to work on her self-confidence.
Adjusting her glasses, Denise concluded:

         “Well, did you find him?”

All eyes on him, Rick stepped from one foot to the other and then gave a curt nod. Before he even had a chance to say anything, Denise had taken a step toward him.

         “And you dare come back without him?”

She didn’t have it within her to hit hard, but the poke to the man’s chest a second later surprised everyone, first of all Tara.

         “I'll reconsider her self-confidence”, she thought while stifling a laugh.

Rick looked at the corpulent person before him with wide eyes, who firmly held his gaze although the slight flush of her cheeks showed that it wasn’t easily done. Before he could reply, the front door opened once more as Carol walked in.

         “Rick”, she said as soon as she noticed him among the assembled people. “Is it true? Daryl left?”

This was the moment that Rick felt annoyance rise inside of him. He neither had the time, nor the patience to play twenty questions with half of the town’s population now. All he wanted was go look for Daryl, right away. He had cleared things with Michonne. He had filled his son in on the situation. Everything else and everyone else just had to wait.

A frown appeared on his handsome face.

         “What is this? Did someone put a proclamation to the church door?”

         “Nah”, Tara waved the comment off, “Gabriel stopped doing that when everything he put up kept disappearing …”

She trailed off, giving Rick a knowing look.

         “So what about Daryl now?” Carol insisted.

         “Look!” His annoyance increased, while he raised his hands defensively. “Yes, he left. I went to find him and did talk to him, but … I … I guess, I wasn’t too convincing.”

         “You left him out there?”

His expression even darkened.

         “Carol, quite frankly, this is none of your business.”

He couldn’t help putting some stress on the word your. After all, sooner or later she had to understand that this, including the man in question, was in no way her concern. “He’s mine”, Rick couldn’t help thinking, and for the first time ever he felt a pang of jealousy.

         “I messed up, fact, but if ya’ll would just get out of my hair, I could give it a second try. Okay?”

         “You’re going back out?” Glenn asked cautiously, his inflection showing Rick that he had overreacted once more.

Breathing in deep, the blue-eyed man gave a confirmative nod.

         “Yeah. As soon as only possible, so please, just leave now. I’ll find him. I’ll bring him back.”

         “Can I go with you?”

He had expected Carol to ask that and couldn’t help gritting his teeth.

No, you cannot go with me. No, you can just stay the hell clear of him from now on. No, he doesn’t love you – he loves me. And it’s for me to find him. And when I do, I’ll do anything I can, anything at all, to bring him back here and never let go of him again. Ever. No, you can definitely not go with me!

“No.”

That was all he did say in the end, although he would have liked to tell her everything that had just flashed through his mind. She had to know. They had to tell her. But not now. There was no time. He had to leave and find Daryl. Nothing else mattered right now.

         “You shouldn’t go alone”, Maggie derailed his train of thought. “It took you hours the first time to find him and the radius is much larger now. You’ll never make it back before nightfall.”

         “I’ll go with you”, Glenn offered.

Out of the corners of his eyes he noticed Michonne silently offer the same thing, but deep down inside she probably already knew the answer. She and Carol were about the last people that should accompany this mission. Their presence there would only complicate matters – Rick had to clear this up with Daryl in private.
Still, Maggie was right. He was likely to be out there by nightfall and should not face the danger alone. He was way too important for this town and his family to risk his life further than usual.
He let his eyes wander over the assembled group until they lingered on Tara.

         “Tara”, he addressed the young woman. “I could use a hand out there.”

         “Why are you taking her and not me?” Carol cut in, actually pouting.

Michonne noticed Rick’s jaw muscles clench and stepped forward quickly, pushing Judith into the other woman’s arms. Then she put one arm around her waist in a  friendly gesture and pulled her along.

         “Carol, you and I are gonna have a talk now.”
        
         “But …”, the older woman tried to protest.

         “Now, Carol!” Michonne cast her sternest ‘no more shit’ scowl to the side and had Carol fall quiet with a startled look on her face.

On walking out of the room, Michonne turned to Rick once more and winked at him, giving him a confirmative nod. Then she was out of the door, along with Carol and Judith.

         “Whatever that was all about”, Tara commented and then turned to Rick with a shrug, “I’m in, if you need me.”

He gave her a thankful nod.

         “I do. – Get some supplies packed quickly. I wanna leave within the next ten minutes.”

She saluted to him with a teasing smile.

         “Yes, Sir.”

Taking Denise by the hand, she headed to the door as well.

         “You make sure to find him!” Denise called back to Rick, before she was being pulled outside by her girlfriend.

         “Yes, Ma’am”, Rick muttered to himself, giving a relieved sigh as the crowd visibly cleared.

Maggie stepped up to him and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

         “Good luck.”

Then she and Glenn were gone, too. Rick turned to Carl and placed a hand on his son’s shoulder.

         “Take care of Judith while I’m gone, okay?”

         “Li’l Asskicker.”

A wide smile had the worried lines on Rick’s face fade.

         “Yeah, Li’l Asskicker.”   

Chapter 3

Fifteen minutes later, Rick and Tara had passed the gate and were speeding down the road once more. Rick had been relieved to find Spencer on sentry duty at the gate and not Eugene, so there’d been no more annoying requests for sorghum. One of these days they really had to find that stuff, so Eugene would finally get out of his hair.
They drove quietly for a while, Tara casting a glance to the side every now and then. After a few miles she asked:

         “Why me?”

He cast her a glance, before concentrating on the road ahead once more.

         “Whadda you mean?”

         “Why did you take me along and not Glenn or Carol?”

         “Glenn – well, he should be home with Maggie. With her pregnant and all. And Carol – dunno. She probably had some cookies or a casserole to take care of anyhow.”

Tara burst into laughter at that, but then nudged his thigh forcefully.

         “Bullshit, Grimes! You know damn well that pregnant women aren’t made of glass and Maggie is tough. And as for Carol – she’s a good fighter. Actually, she’s deadly, inside and outside of the kitchen.” She couldn’t help giggling at that.
“So, c’mon now, cut the crap. Why me?”

         “There’s something I have to ask you.”

         “Huh. Something you could only ask me and no one else?”

         “Yeah. Sort of.”

         “Okaaay.”

The word was stretched unnaturally, implying that she was curious now how that mysterious question would run. Somehow she had a hunch though where this was headed.
He didn’t take her along because she was a good fighter – there would have been others who were even better. He didn’t take her along to consult her about any problem with his kids or cooking recipes. There were most definitely others that were a whole lot better, for she had zero knowledge in both sections.
Actually, she came up with only one area she might have been able to share some knowledge about and saw her assumption confirmed a moment later when he asked cautiously:

         “Have you always known that you like girls?”

         Oh, brother. That kind of conversation?

         “Yeees.”

She turned around in her seat to look at him suspiciously. Why was he asking her that now? Carl was at the age when sexuality became an issue, but she had always ever seen him hang out with Enid, so the boy’s sexual orientation appeared to be what most people would label as normal. Besides, would Rick discuss his son’s sexuality with her?
He cleared his throat, keeping his eyes focused firmly on the road as though there was an immense traffic there, while in fact they were the only car in the entire area, naturally. Maybe they were the only car in the entire county, but still Rick didn’t dare look at her.

         “I … er, do you think it’s possible that someone could … well, change? I mean”, his ears started to turn a deeper shade of red, “could it be that someone, who’s always been straight, falls for someone of their own gender?”

Her eyebrows rose to her hairline. What was he talking about? Whom was he talking about? Surely not Carl, because the term someone who’s always been straight didn’t sound like he was referring to a teenager who just discovered his sexual orientation.
She stared at him with big eyes.
Daryl had left town. Something had happened that had him take off from one moment to the next. Rick was agitated and nervous and moved Heaven and Hell to find him. To bring back the man who’d been around him most of the day ever since she had joined their group. The man Rick was obviously closer to than anyone else.
Could it be?

         “Rick?”

She didn’t even have to put her question into a complete sentence. It was clear how that question would run. Are we talking about you? And the way he was squirming in his seat was answer enough at the same time.

         “You and Daryl?” she probed cautiously.

His chest heaved as though breathing was difficult all of a sudden. Instead of answering, he just nodded. He kept staring ahead and thus did not see the wide smile that spread over her pretty face.

         “Why did he leave?”

         “Because I was a dumbass. Like I said … I didn’t know … I couldn’t understand …” Another deep breath. “I’ve always been straight. I never felt this way for another man and it confused me. I … I guess I really hurt him. I pushed him away and … damn …”

         “You still sound confused now.”

He frowned and cast a glance to the side after all.

         “Rick, I’ve always been lesbian. I knew from an early age on that I like girls. But I had friends who were married to men, had kids – the normal stuff, you know. And they found out much later that this just wasn’t them. And once in a while there’s a usually straight person who swings the other way just for someone very, very special. Doesn’t mean they are gay or bi or whatever the label is – it’s just that they have found the love of their life, their soulmate in that one special person. And if that someone happens to be of the same gender, so what? Nothing to it.”

She paused for a moment, placing a reassuring hand on his thigh.

         “This is great, Rick. Nothing to be nervous or ashamed about.”

         “I’m not ashamed. Nervous, maybe.”

Pulling her hand back she cocked her head, trying to figure out what was going through his head now. A second later a knowing smirk appeared on her face.

         “You’ll figure it out”, she whispered conspiratorially.

         “Figure out what?” He opted for playing dumb, while he already knew that she had guessed what he’d been wondering about.

         “The sex.”

Her grin even widened when she saw him blush violently.

         “You even blush like a virgin.” She nudged his shoulder. “That’s cute, you know. Relax, Rick. I don’t know how experienced Daryl is, but you guys ain’t fifteen anymore. Just trust him there – you’ll figure it out together. Actually, the exploring and getting to know each other in that respect is the most magical part.”

He abruptly stopped the car, breathed in deep and then turned to her, looking at her silently for a long moment. Then he suddenly pulled her into a tight hug.

         “Thank you”, was all he whispered in her ear, before he pulled back and, without giving her a second glance, accelerated the car once more.

The gesture actually touched her and with a smile tugging at the corners of her lips she said:

         “My pleasure.”

Those were the last words spoken between them for the next hour. They were both lost in their own thoughts, while keeping an eye on the woods to the left and right of the street. Rick wasn’t going very fast, so they wouldn’t miss any movement between the trees, but all they had seen so far was an occasional walker. There was no sign of Daryl.
A new intersection, a new direction, another long empty road. Rick’s nerves were strung to breaking point. Those woods were endless and if Daryl had proceeded deep into them, there was no way of finding him staying on the road. But heading into them on foot was just as futile, since they had no idea in which direction he was headed. He could be anywhere. Chances of finding him were vanishingly low as it was, and perhaps Daryl didn’t even mean to be found.

         You had your chance this morning, Rick Grimes, and countless days before this one for that matter. But you wasted it.

He hit the brakes, almost having Tara hit the dashboard, which had him cast her an apologizing look. Then he slammed both hands onto the steering wheel in frustration.

         “Want me to drive for a while?” she asked cautiously.

         “If your guess is better than mine in which direction to go at all, be my guest”, he snapped.

She wasn’t cross about his fierce reaction. She knew exactly how he felt and it was compassion rather than anger that colored her inflection.

         “We’ll find him.”

         “No, we won’t!” He sounded desperate now. “I screwed up, Tara. I had all the chances in the world and I … I just let him go. More than once. For all he knows, I don’t give a damn, so why would he even want to be found? He knows the woods better than any of us and we have no way of knowing in which direction he’s even headed. – I lost him.”

The next moment her fist connected forcefully with his upper arm and had him flinch.
        
         “What the …?”

         “That’s from Denise. She told me to hit you each time you dare dish out crap and that just now was definitely crap. We’ve only been out here for a few hours. It’s way too early to give up, for crying out loud! You want him back or not?”

         “Course I do.”

         “Then pull yourself together and stop whining, man. I for one am not done here yet and if it takes all of tomorrow and the day after, tough shit. But we’re not giving up.”

Rick looked at her surprised for a moment, before he couldn’t help bursting out laughing.

         “I can see who’s wearing the pants in your relationship.”

         “Yeah, and I can see who ain’t in yours.”

That had him laugh again while he returned the earlier nudge. She gestured to the road ahead and with a confirmative nod he drove on.
Hours went by. They enlarged the radius as far as it made sense, went in circles, were pretty much driving zig-zag through the area they assumed Daryl would still be in, calling for him occasionally. Nothing. No sign.
Rick’s smile had vanished a long time ago and had made room for another worried frown, new desperation nagging inside of him.
The sun started to set and the light was fading. Soon it would be dark and to go on searching would be entirely futile then.

         “We’re losing the light”, Tara stated matter-of-factly. “We need to find shelter for the night.”

         “Just a little further.”

         “Rick! It’s getting dark. Sun’s setting quickly. We’re not gonna find Daryl or any shelter once we can’t see a damn thing anymore. Risking our lives out here isn’t gonna help the matter.”

She saw the urge to object in his eyes, but after a moment he gave in.

         “You’re right. There was a barn about two miles back. Let’s go there.”

They spent the way to said barn in silence, disturbed only by the occasional rumbling of their stomachs. They hadn’t taken a break all day, hadn’t eaten anything and the only time they had left the car at all, was when they’d switched drivers. They were both sore and exhausted, but Tara had totally understood Rick’s urge to press on with the search.
After she had chided him about giving up way too soon, he’d been acting like a man possessed ever since. His eyes had started to tear from staring into the woods as though he was able to deforest the area and clear the sight, if only he looked at the trees furiously enough. She had to talk him into taking a break and letting her drive once in a while, and the only time he’d been willing to stop at all for longer than thirty seconds, was when she had threatened to beat him up, if she didn’t get a chance to go for a pee right there and then.
The way this man was able to switch moods from one extreme to the other was worrying her at times. She wondered, if he’d always been like that. If he had always been a gentle, friendly and considerate person the one moment, only to lose it completely the next and act way over the top, fasten onto things like a Pitbull. She had seen him unleashed once in a while – and she had seen how Daryl had always been able to hold him back, calm him, help him get a grip. It worried her to imagine what would become of Rick in the long run, if they weren’t able to find Daryl. Without him, the younger man would no doubt be thrown off balance permanently.

By the time they arrived at the barn it was almost dark. She cursed under her breath. Getting out of the car and entering an unknown perimeter was dangerous without seeing clearly what was surrounding them. That barn could be swarming with walkers for all they knew.
        
         “Did you bring a flashlight?” he asked her.

         “Two even.”

She rummaged her backpack and then handed one of said flashlights over to him, before getting her gun out and taking the safety off.

         “Here goes.”

Rick had parked as close to the door as possible and they were there in few steps, listening into the night for any sounds of walkers before going about opening it. It was dark inside and totally silent as well. They shone their light through the room and found the barn empty. Only an old carriage stood over to one wall and in back several very invitingly looking bales of hay had Tara give a relieved sigh. They pulled the door shut behind them and rolled the carriage in front of it to provide some kind of barrier. Then they both sank heavily onto the soft hay, stretching their aching limbs.

Tara had turned her flashlight off to go easy on the batteries, but even in the dim light Rick’s was still emitting, she could see the lines of stress on his face while he stared blankly ahead of himself.
She moved a little closer to him, leaning her shoulder gently to his and nudging him almost tenderly.

         “Hey, don’t look so serious. That’ll give you wrinkles.”

He didn’t even react.

         “Rick, we’ll find him. I don’t have anything better to do the next couple of days, so as long as it takes – we’re gonna go on looking for him.”

         “I was such a fucking jackass, Tara.”

         “No objections there.”

Her teasing went unheard, while he unconsciously leaned into her as well, as though he needed some kind of support.

         “He was always there. For as long as this shit has been going on, he was always there. Never let me down. I took him for granted. Didn’t see …”
His voice broke and he stopped a second to compose himself.
“I miss him so much, Tara. What am I gonna do without him?” 

         “Lord help us – I don’t even wanna know”, she tried teasing again to lift his spirit. “Why don’t we worry about that, if we really do not find him. Told you – I’m not done searching yet.”

Once more she rummaged her bag and brought out two oddly looking things, of which she held one out to Rick.

         “Here. Denise’s homemade oak cakes.”

         “Not hungry.”

         “Yeah, you are. Besides, she’s the doctor and she says they’re good. Something about omega-3 and whatever. Healthy stuff. Better eat it or she’s gonna make you have your share when we get back.”

         “Tara, I said I’m …”

         “Listen ta her”, a voice came from out of the darkness. “They look like shit, but they’re actually good.”

Rick jumped to his feet as though his pants were on fire and had the flashlight illuminate his surroundings. Nothing. There was no one there.

         “Up here, ya genius”, the well-known voice sounded from above his head and when he directed the light there it shone into two familiar blue eyes.

Rick’s heart skipped a beat.

         “Daryl!”

         “Seek and ye shall find”, Tara muttered to herself, while she got up and dusted herself down. “Hey, come on down. Got some of that oak cake for you, too.”

Surprisingly quick the older man climbed down a nearby ladder and almost snatched the cake from Tara’s hand.

         “Thanks. I’m starving. Walking makes ya hungry, but I can’t hunt with that fucking gun. Too loud.”
He took a large bite from the cake and in between chewing added:
“If I ever get ma hands on that sonuvabitch who stole ma crossbow ...”

One or the other crumb flew into Tara’s direction when Daryl tried to talk while stuffing his face, but his lack of table manners only had her grin widen.

         “Good to see you, hotshot.” She gave his upper arm a friendly pat.

Rick stood next to her, squirming. He didn’t know what to say or what to do next. He’d prepared an entire speech, all the things he had wanted to tell Daryl when they had finally found him – and now that they had, he was at a total loss for words. All he really wanted to do was pull the man into a hug and never let go again. But taking the way they had parted earlier into consideration, he doubted that Daryl would appreciate this in any way. He was likely to break his nose instead, so Rick remained frozen in his spot, just staring at the other man.

         “Another one?”

Tara handed Daryl another cake, knowing that she didn’t have to mind their supplies any longer now. The search was over. Hungrily the older man wolfed down the second cake as well, making Tara wish she had a camera to take a picture for Denise. She would have had a ball.

         “Look, guys, I’m gonna go outside for a moment. Okay? Be right back.”

She knew when she was disturbing. They needed time to themselves now. There were things to sort out – and if she had to bar the door from the outside until they had, so be it.
Rick grabbed her wrist almost instantly.

         “You’re not going out there by yourself.”

It wasn’t a question or a request. It was said totally matter-of-factly.

         “Aren’t you ever getting tired of ordering people around, Grimes?” She pulled her arm back. “I am going outside now.”

         “What for?”

         “Jeez, Rick, she needs ta powder her nose, ya twerp.”

Daryl licked at his fingers appreciatively, while shaking his head at the other man. He winked at Tara.

         “Go ahead and just yell, if ya need us.”

         “You got it.”

On heading for the door she pinched Rick quickly, urging him to use the time she was giving them to finally speak up.
Quietly she squeezed herself through a gap between the carriage and the door and disappeared into the night. As soon as they were alone, Rick felt his pulse rate pick up immensely and for a long moment all he could do was stare at Daryl. The older man returned the gaze.

         “So, you been looking for me – again?”

Rick just nodded, still thinking of the right words to say now. Finally he choked out:

         “I missed you.”

         “Haven’t even been gone for a day.”

         “Felt longer.”

A frown appeared on Daryl’s face.

         “I was there all the time, but ya didn’t seem ta care too much lately. Told ya that before.”

         “I’m sorry. I was …”

         “A fucking jackass?”

         “Yeah, I guess. But most of all, I was … scared. I think I’ve known for a long time how you felt – how I felt. But you always took so many chances to protect me, put my life before your own …” He swallowed hard. “It was too close a call too many times and I … I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you, too. Couldn’t take the risk. So I figured, if I tried not to care all that much anymore, I could protect both of us – you from going out of your way to save my sorry ass all the time, and me from falling apart completely in case something should happen to you.”

He fell quiet and raised his hands in a helpless gesture. Daryl looked at him deadpan for a moment, trying to digest what he’d just heard. Then he said gruffly:

         “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Rick lowered his head and took great interest in the tip of his shoes all of a sudden.

         “Yeah,” he replied quietly, “didn’t really work out, either. I … I don’t know what more I can say. I’m really sorry, Daryl.”

He was the mere picture of misery. He wanted Daryl to understand, to see what he was really trying to say, to just forgive him, so they could start over. Yet at the same time he didn’t have the feeling that it would be that easy. In fact, he was expecting the other man to tell him to get the hell out of his barn and just fuck off any second now.

         “What about Michonne?”

Rick lifted his head and looked at Daryl with a tinge of hope. He wouldn’t be asking, if this conversation was over.

         “I talked to her. She wasn’t even all that surprised and took it quite well. It’s not like we’ve been together for long. Actually … I think you were right – love was never really involved. We’re friends and I like her a lot, but … that’s all.”

         “Huh.” An acknowledging grunt, no more.

         “Oh, she said to tell you that she wants your room. That’s the deal.”

         “What?!” Daryl’s eyes even narrowed. “She gets the best room in the fucking house and all I get is you? Fat chance. Tell her the deal is off.”

Rick looked at him with eyes as big as saucers. He was kidding, wasn’t he? He just had to be kidding.
The next moment Daryl reached out to him and pulled him into a tight embrace.

          “C’mere, ya idiot.”

He held the younger man close and felt Rick actually tremble. His nerves must have been strung to breaking point and he’d been under an immense amount of stress. For just a second Daryl felt bad for giving him such a hard time, but then again – he deserved no better. But they were good now. Things could actually work out between them. Rick had found him and he had truly meant to find him. He wanted him back, wanted him by his side – and this time not just as a friend. And there wasn’t any other place in the world Daryl would have wanted to be.
With a relieved sigh, Rick tightened his arms around the other man and buried his face in the crook of his neck. It was over. He had him back. And apparently Daryl was willing to forgive him, was going to give him a second chance. And this time, he wouldn’t mess up.

         “Hey, you guys? I’m done powdering my nose. Can I come back in?”

Simultaneously wide smiles spread over the faces of the two men.

         “Sure.”

They didn’t hurry to end the embrace and Tara was delighted when she walked up to them and saw them reluctantly let go of each other.

         “Don’t let me interrupt”, she winked at them. “I’m just really pooped.”

Daryl’s thumb pointed to the hayloft he’d been in earlier.

         “Go ahead. It’s actually pretty cozy up there. And it’s safer than down here.”

         “Right. Good night, guys.”

         “Nighty-night”, Daryl teased, but winked at her at the same time.

The moment she put her foot onto the first step, she felt Rick reach for her hand and give it a squeeze. He didn’t say a word, but when she looked into his eyes it was evident what he meant to tell her. Thanks. I owe you.
Returning the squeeze, she climbed up the ladder and vanished out of the men’s sight a moment later.
Alone at the foot of the ladder they looked at each other calmly, undecided as to what to do next. Finally Daryl took the initiative.

         “C’mon. Best get some rest, too. Ya look like ya was ‘bout ta fall asleep standin’ up.”

Before Rick had even a chance to reply, Daryl was already halfway up the ladder, so he followed him a moment later.
Tara had retreated to a far corner and was barely visible at all in the small light Rick’s flashlight was emitting. She had curled up into a ball on a thick pillow of hay and if her even breathing was any indication, she was already fast asleep.
Daryl moved to the opposite corner, piled up a good amount of hay there, too, and stretched out with a relieved sigh. There was nothing like lying down, if you had walked the entire day and felt every single bone in your body.
Rick walked over to him and let himself sink onto the floor, sitting Indian style a good arm’s length away.
This was odd. As long as he’d known Daryl, they had never had any fear of contact. They would walk shoulder to shoulder and stand or sit close all the time. He had never given it any thought. It had never made him feel uncomfortable – on the contrary. He had loved having Daryl close by. But now that their feelings for each other were out in the open, it was awkward all of a sudden.
He wanted to be close to Daryl more than anything and at the same time didn’t know what was expected of him and what would be considered a move too fast or too slow. Damn, he really was a virgin – at least that’s how he felt right now.

The ghost of a smile played around Daryl’s lips and he lifted his arm to hold out a hand to Rick.

         “C’mere. Ain’t gonna bite ya.” A second later he added with a smirk: “Least not yet.”

A giggle from the far corner had him glance past Rick into Tara’s direction.

         “Hey, stop eavesdroppin’ over there ‘n’ go ta sleep.”

She raised one hand and gave him the ‘peace’ gesture, before turning her back on them and closing her eyes with another giggle.
Ignoring her, Daryl had his hand pat the hay next to him, signaling Rick to finally lie down and relax. The younger man complied and a moment later they lay side by side, faces turned to each other and silently looking deep into each other’s eyes.

         “Better turn that flashlight off. Battery’s gonna run low.”

He reached over Rick’s head and turned it off himself, total darkness engulfing them the next second. Slowly Daryl retrieved his hand and had it gently run over Rick’s hair just once. The tender gesture was returned as Rick ran the back of his hand over Daryl’s cheek the next moment before pulling back as well.

A first step. The first tender gestures between two men who were about to make the transition from friends to lovers. They had already come a long way and they still had a long way ahead of them, but they had started to walk it together. Even the longest journey starts with the first step.
Daryl shifted a little to be more comfortable, stretching his legs and breathing in deep several times in order to relax.
Finally. He had already lost all hope of ever winning Rick’s heart, of ever having him lie by his side the way he did now. Only this morning he had come to the conclusion that holding on and fighting for him further was futile. Rick didn’t have a clue, but there wasn’t much Daryl had taken with him when he’d left Alexandria. He had either trashed or given away the few things he had owned and his backpack was empty, save for a picture someone had taken of Rick and his children just recently – and his gun.
He had never planned to go far. Had never intended to find a new group, a new community, start over. What for? People apparently didn’t appreciate Daryl Dixon. If his own family had never found a reason to love him, how could anybody else? Why go on fighting? He had one last cigarette in his pocket and he had totally intended to have his last smoke up here in this hayloft, before dropping the still burning butt into the hay and using the gun to end his miserable life.
         When the car had pulled up to the barn, he had held the picture in one hand and the cigarette in the other, about to go through with his plan. Rick would never know, but tonight he had saved Daryl’s life, simply by being there.
He listened to the younger man’s even breathing and while he drifted off to sleep, Rick’s head lolled to the side and came to rest on Daryl’s shoulder.

         “Yer asleep?” the older man whispered gently.

         “Yeah”, came the slurred reply, having Daryl roll his eyes. That joke sure had a beard a mile long.

He rested his head against Rick’s and closed his eyes with a content sigh. Life was good after all. First thing back home in Alexandria he would return the picture to its spot and then toss the cigarette. He didn’t need that cancer stick any longer. Home. Did he really just think of Alexandria as home?
He had. And he meant it. Suddenly it even felt like home. There were people there who cared for him. And at least one of them even loved him. He would have a family – Rick, Carl and Li’l Asskicker.
He still had to talk to Carol and see how things would work out between him and Michonne, but those were things to worry about another day. Not tonight. Tonight was perfect.
The moment he was about to fall asleep, he felt a warm hand on his open palm and Rick’s fingers interlace with his.

         “Love you”, Rick whispered quietly, obviously still not asleep.

         “Oh, man”, Tara’s voice muttering in the far corner was heard loud and clear in the stillness, “and why was that so hard to get?”

         “Will ya stop eavesdroppin’ already?” Daryl shot back.

Rick’s soft lips on his silenced him. A first tender and almost chaste kiss that was far from being passionate or overwhelming, but it saved two lives that night.
Few moments later they lay comfortably snuggled up to each other, still holding hands and not planning on ever letting go again. The last thing they heard before sleep claimed them at last, was Tara’s giggle from the far corner.